It's the Little Things in Life

I've feeling much better than I did Friday night. I slept for almost 12 hours on Friday night and took a nap Saturday during the day. That definitely helped. 

On Sunday W came with me to yoga. It was a hot vinyasa class and it kicked my butt! At first I was directly under the heat vent and was sweating so much I couldn't hold any pose long for fear of slipping off my mat. I eventually moved a little further away and that helped, but I just didn't feel strong during the class. I think fighting off the cold and having my period took it's toll on my body. Last week I felt really great during the same class but this week it was super challenging for me. 

I still enjoyed going and especially enjoyed the hot tub, sauna, and steam shower after. 

I recently found out all yoga classes are free there for us because we are patients at the fertility center. They buildings are connected and there also have massage and acupuncture available there. They offer one free acupuncture session with a transfer, so I usually take them up on that offer. I haven't been going to acupuncture regularly because it didn't seem to make a huge difference for me. Sure, I enjoyed it, but it didn't seem worth all the money. 

The headaches are getting a bit better but I am bruising so badly with my shots. I started Lovenox and baby aspirin last week and I don't think that is helping the cause. Any tips to reduce bruising? At this rate my entire stomach will be covered. I've been avoiding the right side of my stomach completely because I can't seem to find a single spot that doesn't bruise. It's not the best look. 

My next appointment is Wednesday morning. Our tentative transfer day is exactly two weeks from today! 

I bought something this week I'm super excited about it. It's really shows how it's the little things in life that make me happy.

 Last year we hosted Thanksgiving and our local supermarket had turkey butter sculptures for sale (it would fit in your hand if you wanted to hold a buttery little turkey). I missed my chance to get one as they sold out quickly. Well, this past week I saw them and snatched one up. I was so excited I even had to tell the cashier. 

Isn't he cute?

The New York State Fair is nearby and one of the main attractions is the giant butter sculpture. Maybe it's an upstate NY thing, but it's something we always have to check out when we go.

The sculpture from 2 years ago at the fair.

While you're in the dairy building, you better get some 25 cent chocolate milk.  Can't you tell I'm excited about it?

 I can't wait for that little buttery turkey to grace the Thanksgiving table with its presence. That is, until someone chops off his little head for their mashed potatoes. 

Relying on Vitamin C and Neupogen

All week I've been getting headaches from the Lupron. This morning I woke up with a stuffed up nose and sore throat. I thought getting through a work day with a headache was rough. Today I realized it's much better than trying to work with a headache and sore throat. 

I started Neupogen today which helps boost white blood cells. I'm hoping those white blood cells can kick this cold's ass. Come on Neupogen!

I also started Lovenox and baby aspirin this morning. I've been bruising really bad on my right side so might have to just stick to the left side of my stomach. I also start Delestrogen tonight. 

Unfortunately, my insurance didn't cover the Delestrogen. When I called the insurance to find out why they cover Estradiol but not Delestrogen they gave me a very strange reply. They told me it's something that is typically administered by the doctor in their office and then the doctor bills the insurance. It's not something that is covered if just dispensed. I don't get it. On the plus side, my insurance covered the Neupogen and I only paid 50 bucks. You win some you lose some. 

I just hope I can start feeling better soon. I don't plan to do much this weekend except lay low and try to feel better. We are having dinner at my in-law's tomorrow and hopefully will go to yoga on Sunday. 

The side effects have been rough this time around. It's so strange how each cycle the meds affect me differently. I've taken Lupron and had no issues and taken it other cycles and gotten daily headaches. 

Happy Friday!! I hope everyone has a good weekend. 

IVF #4 CD 20- Interesting...

Where to start? How about with me throwing up in my car yesterday? Doesn't that sound like a fun place to start? All weekend my stomach was bothering me and I was feeling super nauseous. By Monday morning I emailed the NP to see if I could stop taking Dostinex (possible culprit for stomach upset). She said fine. By a little later in the day I asked if I could stop Metformin and she said that was fine temporarily as well. 

So I headed off to work. I saw two little boys at the same daycare and struggled to get through the sessions. After, I headed off to a Head Start. I stood outside my car, willing myself to feel better and go inside. When I was mapping out the quickest way to the bathroom in my head I figured I should probably head home. Well, home was about 20 minutes away. On the drive I started to feel really awful, so grabbed for a bag and pulled over. Not fun. Cue me sitting on the couch the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. 

So work was a no-go yesterday. I'm hoping it goes better today. Especially since I have a long day paired with two evaluations at the end of the day with my boss and someone shadowing us. 

Last night we were sitting on the couch watching some mindless television when W's phone rang. He didn't answer it initially, but it rang again. It was his Dad calling to say his grandmother isn't doing very well. She has been in a nursing home for years and I guess has taken a turn for the worst. W is planning to go down to visit her this afternoon. 

Then my phone rang and it was my Mom. I made W answer it and he has a strange conversation. When he hung up I got the scoop: A family friend is pregnant again and considering adoption this time. The family is very close to mine. The grandparents of this soon-to-be baby were our neighbors growing up (Susie & Angelo) and good friends with my parents. Susie was present at my birth, taking glorious pictures of my head crowning. Susie & Angelo adopted Haylee and another child over 20 years ago. Haylee got pregnant and had a little boy about 17 months ago. The little boy lives with her parents and she isn't a very active participant in his life. A few months ago my mom brought up me adopting the little boy and the family seemed pretty upset. Well, I guess Susie called my mom yesterday to ask if W and I would be interested in adopting this baby. Haylee is due on February 15th with a little girl. My sister's due date is 5 days later.  

I called back my mom and talked to her for a bit. I said we would be interested, but it's not something I'm going to get my hopes up about yet. It doesn't sound like Haylee has made that decision yet. But, it's definitely interesting and somewhat exciting. 

In other interesting news, it looks like my period showed up this morning. It has only been 5 days since my retrieval so I'm going to email Dr. Br.averman to see what he has to say. It seems crazy to start back up already. I'm also a little bummed because I wanted to try the endometrial biopsy this cycle. We don't even know what ended up being frozen. They will be freezing our embryos today and tomorrow. 

So those are the updates! Throwing up in my car, W's grandma not doing well, a possible adoption??!!, and my period. How's that for variety?

IVF #4 CD 9- Follicle Growth

Things are progressing well. My appointment on Friday was the quickest one ever. I was in and out of my clinic in under a half hour. It was amazing to not have to sit forever in the waiting room. 

All of my follicles are growing and my meds were kept the same. I emailed the nurse at Dr. Br.averman's and asked about the trigger. She said she was hoping for significant growth over the weekend with a possible trigger on Monday or Tuesday. A Monday trigger would mean my retrieval would be on our anniversary, so I'm hoping for Tuesday. Also, I don't think I will be ready on Monday based on how things looked yesterday. 

It seems my left ovary is lagging behind a little bit. On the left side I had 7 measurable follicles. They were: 1x9 mm, 5x10 mm, and 1x13 mm. On the right I also had 7 measurable follicles. They were: 2x11 mm, 3x12 mm, and 2x14 mm. My estradiol had a nice jump and a little more than tripled from Wednesday. 

I'm so bloated and getting much more uncomfortable. I still have been feeling nauseous (I think from the dexa) and have been getting headaches. On Friday I felt so crappy I ended up having to cancel all of my afternoon therapy sessions in order to lay at home in bed. I pretty much feel okay when I don't do anything. 

I stated another quilt for my friend who is due with a baby boy in January. She is a friend I met through yoga and conceived through IVF. I got a ton done of the quilt done, and I love the fabric and design. I'm pretty impressed that I was able to teach myself how to quilt. I never took a class and just got some books and taught myself. 

Otherwise, not much is going on. My FIL is here today helping my hubby do some house projects and I'm just laying low and relaxing. Pretty exciting, I know!

IVF #4 CD 3- Yuck

A dahlia from my flower bed

Things are well underway with IVF #4. Tonight marks injection #3. The shots are going well. The dexamethasone isn't. It's making me feel like crap. My stomach is upset and I feel nauseous. If I don't do anything and just sit around I feel fine. I've also had some not so great side effects in the bathroom. Good times! I'm hoping my body will adjust soon and I'll feel better. 

Speaking on the dexamethasone, my clinic refused to call in the script. They said since it wasn't the normal dosage they prescribe (.75 mg instead of .25) that they didn't want to do it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but the NP is really being a pain. She was willing to call in Ganirelix which I have never used with them, but not a stronger dose of a med I have used with them. Oh well, I'm trying not to let them bother me. I was super agitated about it yesterday though. 

I'm feeling crazy moody and bitchy. It's been a while since I've been on meds and I'm hoping I will get used to it soon. Poor W has to put up with me! He's a trooper about it though. 

As far as what I'm feeling physically, at this point I'm just feeling cramps from my period. Not much action in the ovaries yet, but thats not surprising at all since it's so early. I won't get much of an idea as to what is going on until my first monitoring appointment Monday. 

This morning we stopped at an estate sale down the road. I got these really neat silver bowls with pretty colors on the inside and we got a pretty sweet bright yellow salad spinner. There were some side tables we debated for our bedroom but decided one was just too beat up. It was a beautiful house and made me kinda miss house hunting. I love looking at homes, especially ones located right on the lake. 

This afternoon we ran some errands and I felt horrible in the store. We made it home and rather than me helping W plant our new fall plantings I sat on the stairs and kept him company. I was good at instructing though.

Also, here is the progress with my quilt. I added a bit more after I took this pic, but it's a good sample. I think it looks pretty good so far. Don't mind the mess of a bookshelf in the background.

4dp6dt FET #3

First off, I'm a bit confused. The embryos we transferred we frozen on day 6. Does this make it a 6 day transfer? I don't think so because they were at a day 5 point when they were frozen. If anyone has any insight, please enlighten me. 

This weekend was amazingly relaxing and fantastic. Our friends C&J came over Friday night with their little girl E who will be 2 tomorrow. We had a nice dinner and watched some of the opening ceremonies for the olympics. E got a little whiney and needed some distracting. W is so great with her and took her outside for a little walk around our yard. It was so cute to look outside and see them sitting in the grass talking together. He's going to be such a great daddy. 

On Saturday W went into Syracuse with his Dad to free our new boat from their garage. That's right, my in-law's have an antique wooden boat that is just sitting in their garage. They are giving it to us. It will need a little bit of work but should be functioning just fine. It's going to be so nice since we are about a 5 minute walk to a marina on the lake where we could keep it. 

I laid around and read my book as well as took a nap while W was gone. On Saturday night we went to see Ted and it was pretty darn funny. There were lots of fart jokes that went over well. I saw a preview for The Odd Life of Timothy Green and definitely shed a tear or two. If you haven't seen the trailer, click HERE. I challenge you not to cry. 

Today we slept in and then headed over to the in-law's lake house. We sat in the sun, swam, and read a whole bunch. I've been reading a lot and really enjoying the step away from the T.V. That's not to say we haven't been watching the Olympics, but we've been reading before bed more consistently than watching T.V. 

I got the masochistic urge to POAS today. W doesn't want me to so I didn't tell him. No matter how long I looked at it or how much I wanted it to be positive, it was definitely negative. I think I'm good on testing for a bit. 

As far as symptoms go, my boobs are crazy sore! I switched to a different PIO this week and am thinking that was it. I switched pharmacies a while ago but was using old progesterone. This week I started one that it compounded instead and that seems to correspond with the new soreness. I'm peeing a lot but that's also related to progesterone. Some small cramps here and there, but also probably from the progesterone. Today I was a little moody and couldn't be reasoned with but who knows what that is all about. I've been tired, but also probably the progesterone. I'm still trying to be positive, but the pee stick didn't help. I know it's still early though so I'll try to put that out of my mind. 

Truckin'

After feeling disappointed on Wednesday after my appointment, things have really picked up. I went in Friday and there were 10 measurable follicles on each ovary. My estradiol had risen to 2469. They reduced my dose of Gonal-F to 75 IU's and kept the others the same. Then they ruined my Saturday plans by telling me they wanted to see me again the next morning. I was really looking forward to going with some friends to a giant garage sale, but I missed out. 

This morning the NP told me she was going to get carpal tunnel measuring all of my follicles, but my estrogen made some huge leaps and was at 4691 in a little more than 24 hours. For some reason my estradiol levels want me to be immature about things, so it always seem to include the number 69 somewhere in there. They told me only to do Lupron tonight and skip all stims and then 75 of Gonal-F and 37.5 of Luveris tomorrow. I return Monday for blood work, an ultrasound, and intralipids.

When the nurse first entered the room this morning to draw my blood she mentioned that I would probably trigger tonight. This threw me a bit because I had been anticipating a Wednesday retrieval and told people I was taking that day off. When the NP did the scan she said she wanted me to get the full potential of this cycle and didn't want to trigger me too soon. I still have quite a few smaller follicles that I hope catch up. 

I will be taking Dostinex again to help prevent OHSS. This time I'm not as freaked out about things, I'm just trying to do my best to trust them. Coasting helped last time to reduce my levels and I didn't end up having any issues despite high estrogen levels. I am thankful I am such a high responder and that I can save some bucks on already expensive meds. Of course I ordered more that I don't think I will be using. 

We made some purchases today for our upcoming bathroom remodel. We bought an amazing sink and some tiles so I'm starting to get excited. I'm not excited about showering at the Y while our own shower is out of commission. 

I've been feeling really full and uncomfortable the past few days. I've also been pretty exhausted and making sure I get plenty of sleep. The headaches have been much better this time around which I am thankful for.  A new issue is that my contacts have been driving me crazy. I asked about it today and she said it could be a side effect of the meds or it could be that things are so wet in other places that it is drawing the moisture from other places. Great, my va-jay-jay is sucking the moisture from my eyes. How awesome of a mental picture is that? 

Money, Money, Money

So we haven't filed our taxes yet. We seem to slack on it and then hustle to get it done last minute. This year's hold-up has been my lack of getting our medical expenses together. So, tonight I sat down and finally finished it while W was working on dinner (fun Saturday night, I know!) 

And the total for 2011? Drumroll please..........12,827.19. This is with great insurance and co-pays. The major expenses were IVF (not covered by insurance) with 3.5 rounds paid for, W's sperm wash with the IUI's (1000) since his insurance is different and didn't cover it, and drugs. I recently got the bill for the other half of the unpaid IVF from our first failed cycle, so that is a fun expense we have to look forward to. Nothing like paying for something that didn't work 6 months later! I have been doing a better job of saving receipts for this year all in one place and the envelope is bursting already. It's only March. 

I know this isn't that much money compared to what others spend. But imagine what we could have done if we hadn't spent it on fertility treatments? Judging by my bank statements I probably would have spent it at Marshalls, Dunkin Donuts, or Wegmans.

Estrogen sucks. I'm irritable and my sense of smell is out of control. Everyone's breath smells horrible. W is being a trooper with me, but I feel badly for being so moody. We had a super busy and productive day today. I got a new bathing suit for vacation and my back wiper on my car finally fixed. Trying on bathing suits after stuffing yourself with thai food for lunch is not recommended. Oh yeah, we also got tickets to go see Aziz Ansari in April. I'm pretty excited for it. 

IVF #2 CD 9 Freaked Out

I had another ultrasound and more blood taken today. The appointment was at 6:45 and W joined me. It was so nice to have him there and to drive. To be honest, I felt horrible when I woke up. I started Dexamethasone yesterday and think this was part of it. 

I had gotten up last night around 3:30 or 4 to pee and had a really hard time falling back asleep. When I did I had horrible dreams. I was super late for my appointment in my dream and started off by getting a ride from my Mom in a crappy car. Then I was driving a rental van with a bunch of people and got stuck in really bad traffic. Then I was running and happened to be running more or less in circles. I woke up feeling incredibly nauseous and anxious. I really thought I was going to throw up but ended up being ok. W drove this morning so I was able to listen to music and recline in the seat. 

I had a much better dream the other night that I was riding my dog all around town. I had to hold on to her collar, but she was definitely larger than life in the dream. I also dreamt that I was pushing an empty baby stroller. 

I've been feeling really full and uncomfortable. Lots of action down there for sure. Today I really started feeling nauseous and my appetite wasn't very good. I've also started getting a bit of a sore throat and feel like I might be getting sick. A lot of the kids I work with are sick right now, but I'm hoping for the best. 

My blood pressure was a little better today because I had a nurse I like a bit more. When the RN did the ultrasound she commented on how many follicles there were but how it was a "great IVF cycle" since I had so many follicles so close in size. Her first reaction was "Oh, wow!" When I told her what my estradiol was on Wednesday, she said to expect a call with a change in instructions this afternoon. I left feeling really optimistic and positive about everything. 

On the left side they measured 8 follicles. 2x9 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x12 mm. On the right they measured 9 follicles. 2x9 mm, 2x10 mm, 2x11 mm, 1x12 mm, and 2x13 mm. 

Then I got the call around 12:30. Yeah, my estradiol is 5006. Holy $#!*. I was told to take a much smaller dose on Gonal-F tonight (37.5 instead of 150) and to skip the Menopur. They want to see me again tomorrow and were talking about giving me something else (Cetrotide?) to help reduce to estrogen levels. 

I'm totally freaked out and worried about OHSS. I know there are more follicles they haven't measured and my estrogen is scary high. It jumped from 1710 to 5006 in two days. I'm scared. I'm really hoping it goes down a bit and that were are able to do a fresh transfer. 

Hoping for better news tomorrow. 

They Hit

Side effects. Always after 3 days on any medication I start to feel side effects. I have had a dull headache since Wednesday night right before bed. I woke up yesterday and it lingered all day. I was able to take a nap while hubby was cooking dinner so that was nice but when I woke up the headache was still there. 

Crazy dreams! This morning I was dreaming about a giant horse kicking and biting me in the face when W woke me up. It was scary! I also dreamt I was in my freshman college dorm. Little things pop up during the day that remind me of parts of a crazy dream. 

I'm feeling a little spacey and forgetful. I will start a sentence and not be able to finish. Makes me look smart. 

Hot flashes. I'm usually pretty cold but yesterday when I asked someone "Is it hot in here" and they replied, "no, I'm actually cold" I knew something was up. I drove with my windows down for part of the day. 

My boobs are getting a little sore and uncomfortable. 

I'm craving crap food. Not sure if this is just me though. I can't seem to consistently make good choices. I was at a pre-kindergarten class yesterday and it was someone's birthday. Those cupcakes looked too good to pass up. Funfetti with whipped cream frosting. Boy did I regret that one. I don't ever eat that much sugar so it shocked me a bit with a super intense headache and stomachache. It was pretty delicious in the moment though. 

We have a bunch of snow on the ground this morning and are supposed to get a few more inches today. I wish I could just stay home and drink hot chocolate. 

3 more BCP's and 4 days until my suppression check. Is this really happening? Hope everyone has a safe Friday the 13th. I have a friend who has her beta for IVF #3 today. I hope she gets good news. 

Thought Vomit... Monday??!!

Upon completion of this post I realized it was more of  Thought Vomit Thursday (TVT) kind of post, but hey, it's only Monday so I'll leave off the bullets.

Wednesday's ultrasound appointment is looming. I'm trying to stay relaxed and calm about everything and some days I completely forget that we are currently in a "cycle." It doesn't seem real when all you do is pop a little pill at night (estradiol) and then forget about it. 

Speaking of those little pills... holy side effects. Who would think something so small could pack so much feisty?? My mornings are rough and I try not to lose it each day. Little things frustrate me to no end and I have ZERO patience. It goes well with working with 2 year olds, ha yeah right! The mornings are the worse and by the end of the day I feel much less feisty. 

My appointment with Dr. Gere is in less than a week and I really need to get my file sent over. I am hoping to tackle that tomorrow. I was super impressed that when they called to confirm my appointment that they had also called my insurance to see what was covered. Although the information was nothing new, it really was nice that they had taken the time. 

Last weekend I went to the spa with my friend Caitlin. She had a gift certificate for a massage and I had a guest pass so spent the time she was getting a massage running. Totally equivalent experiences. The steam room, sauna and hot tub were thoroughly enjoyed by both of us. 

Caitlin has a 15 month old little girl who W and I adore. We have been spending a lot of time with Caitlin, her husband J, and their little girl E. Most weekends we get together with them. There are times when it is hard to watch them love and kiss their little girl, but E lets W and I love and kiss her too, so it's not all that bad. 

I got a really nice complement at work today which made my day. It's nice to hear positive things about your work performance. Speaking of work, I'm going to try to branch out again and work with another child who had feeding issues. I will have more support this time and I feeling positive about trying again. 

We are hosting Thanksgiving on Thursday. We won't have too many people (9), but my sister is coming out and I am really looking forward to that. We have been in our house 13 months and she has visited 1 time. She is the type who likes to be in her own comfort zone. Even though it is only 3 hours away you would think it was 30. I'm anxiously awaiting her pregnancy announcement, but hopefully it won't be during Thanksgiving. She started trying in August and it's only a matter of time. As long as I'm not far behind her that's fine. 

I had some spotting this evening but it has gone away. I'm hoping it's nothing since it's brownish, so hopefully my lining is getting nice and cozy for our little totsicles. 

Battle of the wills

Well, I think the Clomid started to really kick in today. Of course I said something yesterday and pay the price today. It was the same with the Provera, I didn't really feel any side effects until day 3. Well, I am MOODY today. I can feel my hormones going crazy like with PMS, but a bit worse. I keep reminding my hubby not to mess with me because I'm on Clomid!

Last night W set the alarm yet I woke up on my own this morning. Monday's are my earliest and longest days all week and it turned out he set the alarm for PM, not AM. Well, I had about 45 minutes to get ready total (compared to a usual hour 15). I was doing well when W popped his head in the bathroom to apologize. I really just didn't say much. I lost it when I went downstairs and I had to do things I don't normally do. I know I have it good and that W helps me SO MUCH in the mornings, but on the mornings that I have no time it really sucks to have to do things I don't normally do. I was pretty pissed, and when he came downstairs and started talking, I kinda went off on him. I just voiced how frustrated I was and bitched a little bit. No big deal, I still left and we were fine. He even sent me a text a little later to apologize again. I told him when I got home this afternoon that I was sorry for getting upset, but MY HORMONES ARE GOING CRAZY!!

The second kid of the day that I saw decided to give me a hard time. He was being a squirmy wormy and by the age of 3 1/2 I expect a child to be able to sit and focus for at least 20 minutes. He wasn't being cooperative and was having a difficult time listening. Well, it got worse rather than better and the session ended with him crying and giving me the stare down. Both of us were feeling stubborn and didn't want to back down. He has a very permissive Mom and gets away with a lot and when I am feeling moody I tend to butt heads with him a bit. When I was pregnant before, I had a difficult time with him. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do since Mom never makes him.  Usually though, he loves me and we have great sessions. In fact, just last week he insisted on showing me his superhero underwear (just got potty trained a few weeks ago). The underwear were on backwards so the images were on the front and he kept pointing to the guys and telling me about them. I couldn't help but laugh really hard. Needless to say though, Will wasn't happy with me today. I just realized I titled this entry "battle of the wills" and I had a battle with Will today. Very appropriate : )

The last kid of the day also decided to be difficult. He didn't want to play a game by the rules and became focused on turning all of the cards over when it wasn't his turn. I became pretty frustrated but wasn't feeling stubborn by this point in the day. Instead, we cleaned up the game (he didn't want to help but ended up helping) and I spent a little extra time talking with the grandma rather than pushing him. 

I guess I am feeling like I have a really bad case of PMS and can tell it's all hormonal. Oh well, two more nights of Clomid and I am done! I am still having a hard time giving up caffeine and don't know how I am going to do it. I really regretted not giving it up when I miscarried, but it's SO HARD. I was able to give up coffee before but found a new love for it after when I was able to have it again. Tea just doesn't do the trick. 

Any ideas?

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We spent this past weekend putting in a walkway from our driveway to the gate where we access our yard/backdoor. It was a LOT of digging and W kicked some serious ass with the axe. There were so many roots and we called many of them a "yule log" once they were removed. The dog had a blast playing with all of the roots as we would throw them into the yard for her. I will post pictures once I take some of the completed product. I have to say, it was super nice to not have to walk through the mud this morning to my car, especially since it was raining. 

This afternoon we did a first coat of paint in our previously purple guest room. I can't believe anyone would ever pick the color that was there and it's been a project we have been looking to do for a while. It feels nice to do some projects with the house, especially since we are planning a big housewarming/grad party for the second weekend in June. You are all invited!! 

My hormones are a ragin'

I've only started  taking hormones for this cycle on Friday, but damn Provera, you suck! I hadn't really been feeling much for the first few days, but today it hit me. 

My face looks like a teenager's (well the pimples aren't that noticable, but they are definitely a nice framing feature to my face right now). 

I wanted to bite my husband's head off and then decided to cry instead. 

My head was throbbing all afternoon and continues. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoon and relying on coffee to get me through. I am thinking about cutting out the afternoon coffee and did well today. Now that I say that, thats probably why I got the headache!

Wow, this is going to be a fun couple of weeks! Only two more nights of Provera and then hopefully AF will come shortly after that. I am starting to dread the side effects of Clomid since that is the overwhelming opinion. Wish me luck.

Alright already!

So I have finally gone insane. I am on day 13 of Lupron and still no signs of AF. I woke up this morning incredibly disappointed (my period tends to come at night when I am sleeping.) I actually started crying when I told my hubby, and then thought for sure that because I was crying first thing in the morning that it would come today.

I tried to call the RE's office this afternoon when she still hadn't appeared, but they were closed for MLK day. I am sure I will be calling tomorrow, because I am starting to wonder whether she is EVER going to show up!! I am beyond frustrated and feeling a bit depressed. The nurse told me about 10 days after starting she would come and we are now 3 days past that. I tend to do well with bad news or things not going well when I am prepped in advance. My worst case scenario was that it was going to come this weekend, but NOPE. I guess the plus is that if it had come over the weekend I would have tried to call the RE's office and stressed that they weren't open. I was doing really well handing my stress up to this point where I am starting to feel REALLY stressed out! I am starting to fear I have a new cyst, I will run out of Lupron during this cycle, or my cycle is going to get cancelled. Those meds in the fridge are just staring at me!

I've tried everything else, so maybe just posting this and complaining will convince AF to show up! A lot of people say once they called their RE's office and made an appointment to get things checked out, it came. I have been feeling like it has been coming for about a week or so, especially since my boobs are SO SORE!! I can barely walk down the stairs without being in pain (I know this is also a side effect of Lupron.)

Matron of Honor

My sister is getting married July 23rd of this year and I am the matron of honor in her wedding. Unfortunately my sister lives about 3 hours away and we don't see each other that often. She was my maid on honor in my wedding in October of 2009 and it was pretty obvious I would play that role in her wedding (I am really happy to be the one). The problem is, she went dress shopping with her friends a few weeks ago. Lately she has been pressuring me to go look at dresses and maybe even order one. I can't remember when they ordered the dresses for my wedding, but I know I still have some time.

The thing is, I'm not ready. I weigh a little more than I would like right now and am really hoping I will be pregnant for her July wedding. Her friends like a specific dress from David's Bridal but she also gave me the option of picking my own dress. The biggest issue is I WANT TO BE PREGNANT and don't want to buy a dress yet. There, that's my rant.

In other news I think the rash that developed on my hands was not a side effect of Lupron and was instead a side effect of too much hand sanitizer and really cold temperatures. My hands ended up cracking and becoming really dry. I talked with someone today who showed me her hands and they looked even worse that mine. I bought some Burt's Bees hand lotion and that seems to be helping.

We joined the gym for 2011 yesterday. I had been going for over 2 months on a free month membership, but finally got busted last week. We went the past two nights but had to leave earlier than we wanted to get home and do my shot. My body really seems to be adjusting to the Lupron and I am have far fewer side effects. I am still waiting on my period which seems to be allusive. The nurse at my RE's office said it should be about 10 days after starting Lupron. Tonight was our 9th shot, so tomorrow is the 10th day. Please come on out lady friend (wow, she's my friend now)!

I was really hoping originally that I would be starting stims this week, but I realize much of this is a waiting game and out of my control. I know once we start the stims it will all happen very quickly. I am able to talk with one of the mom's of the kids I work with since she also went through IVF. She said the most important thing is to reduce my stress and not let my mind play games with me. She said I should do whatever relaxes me. I love taking baths but know I will have to stop this soon. I have a great new book I have been reading and we have been going to bed much earlier. It is really relaxing to lie in bed next to my hubby and read a great book.

We had brunch with some friends on Sunday who have a 5 month old baby girl. The wife of the couple (C) was a classmate of my husband's and she got pregnant 2/3 of the way through school. When we got to know her better, she told me the baby wasn't planned. Their insurance had changed and they had been using the "pull and pray" method of birth control. C ended up taking this entire year off from school and will go back next summer to complete her final year of schooling. When we first got there they were running behind schedule. C still had her hair up in her towel and was chopping veggies. I immediately noticed a pregnancy test on the counter. Eventually her hubby took it off with a bunch of other stuff, but it was staring me in the face. It was hard to pretend like I didn't see it.

We ended up staying about 5 hours and the pregnancy test issue came up as C and I were talking in another room. I asked her if she is able to take birth control while nursing and she said she is on a progesterone only "light pill" but that it completely throws off her cycle. Her hubby made her take the test because she hadn't had her period, but she is not pregnant. I had a great time with their little girl and it was the first time we saw her that she didn't cry when I held her. She is starting to babble sounds and imitate a little bit and I got her laughing really hard. I had a great time playing with her. And then the question came up: When are you guys going to have kids? We have debated telling them about all of our issues, but the main reason we haven't is because they take their fertility for granted (I'm not positive of this but it's hard not to think it.) They got pregnant without even trying and here we are, dropping a ton of money for the chance to get pregnant.  We had a great time with them and are so glad to find other people who we have so much in common with (I think that is part of why they want us to have kids.) We are planning to go x-country skiing with them in two weeks and my hubby is planning to take the baby on him while skiing. He is very athletic and confident (especially when it comes to skiing), but I think he is crazy!

Let the fun continue

Some of my side effects have vanished (hot flashes, diarrhea) some continue (bitchiness, moodiness) and I had a new one last night (a rash all over the tops of my hands.) I'm not completely sure this is a side effect of the Lupron, but I looked online and it seemed like it could have been. I guess I started noticing it Saturday night when my left hand started itching like crazy and little bumps popped up. I really hadn't worried about it at all until last night when the backs of both of my hands became blotchy red, slightly raised, and burned when I washed them. Most of the kids I work with are sick right now so I was using my hand sanitizer quite a bit yesterday. This is when the burning started (I use it all the time and have never felt this before.) I got a little bit nervous last night, but was able to calm down. When I woke up this morning it had faded quite a bit. I'm trying not to let the side effects bother me, but I did freak a bit last night. Also, I had worse bruising last night at the point of injection and it became blotchy and red all around it. Today it looks a little red, but is mostly just a bruise. I haven't really had many headaches or been feeling very tired, so that is all good. I try to drink a lot of water during the day and that seems to help (minus all the additional bathroom trips.) Speaking of bathroom trips, I can no longer sleep through the night without getting up to pee. Ahh, the joys of it all. Other than that, just waiting on AF to show her face so I can start the stims. Reading through a book the other night I thought they made the whole IVF thing seem so simple and quick. Unfortunately, I have not felt that way.

In other news our doggie Togie has been having knee problems for a while. Today she is feeling REALLY bad and we are going to take her to the vet. We went x-country skiing for 2 hours on Sunday with my inlaws and their crazy dog. The vet recommended surgery previously, but I can't fathom spending that right now. I hope she is OK and that it doesn't cost us too much. She hasn't really moved much all day, yelped when I pet her, and wouldn't eat food out of my hand (VERY unusual for that piggy.) She appears to be feeling a little better so, but better take her and see what the vet has to say.

Side Effects= Menopause

So I started feeling the side effects of the Lupron yesterday. We are doing 20 units which seems like a lot compared to other people's blogs and postings. I see now why avoiding the internet is probably a good idea at times. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether they may have made a mistake with the dosage, but then I remember that the nurse had my chart in front of her while talking to me. I try not to doubt anything about my RE and trust in him 110%. It's amazing how quickly this all seems routine. Filling up the syringe, injecting, and then giving the team ___(our last name) high five to complete it all. 

Yesterday after work I decided I wanted to go out and do something for our Friday night. Usually we spend weekend nights sitting on our couch streaming something off of Netflix. We like to lay low most of the time, but it also results in us falling asleep early. I decided I wanted to stay up later so last night was our gift card night. We had a bunch left over from Christmas and I am usually horrible about using them. I've heard that companies make a lot of money this way.

We first went to Marshalls to look for a side table to put next to our reclining chair. We ended up finding one but also got dog treats (2 varieties) and a new shower head (so our stinky dogs can get baths.) Of course we spent more than our $50.00 gift card, but nothing excessive. We then went to dinner at Panera with our $20.00 gift card. Midway through the meal I felt a hot flash. It put it together that I had felt one previously in the day as well. My face got so flushed and I felt extremely hot. I thought it would be an OK sensation (I'm almost always cold), but once you actually feel one you realize how unpleasant they really are.

Also, earlier that morning I was driving to a house for work and the sun was coming up. It really was beautiful, but not worthing tearing up and almost crying over. 

The other really unfortunate reaction I have had relates to my digestive system. Once we finished eating we headed over to Target to look for either a Yoga Wii game or dvd. We weren't able to find a Wii game, but as soon as I found the dvd selection, my dinner hit my stomach. This made me immediately feel like I had to go to the bathroom. I guess I will be more direct and state the truth: I have had really unpleasant diarrhea. I go about 4 times a day and it's not fun, especially in a public restroom. That's all I'll say about that one. On the other hand I am excited about our new yoga dvd's. 

This evening we are having some family over for dinner. We were cleaning up the bathroom and my hubby dropped something into the sink as I was cleaning it. He then proceeded to clean it off on the new and clean towel I had just hung in the bathroom. I immediately yelled "what the heck are you doing?!" He looked at me like I was crazy and then told me he thought it was a bit of an overreaction. I looked at him jokingly and yelled "I'm going through menopause!" In case you don't know, Lupron shuts down your body and acts similarly to menopause. Basically I am going through menopause, but I guess it is just a look into the future and will make me more understanding to those who actually are going through it. 

I've noticed my skin breaking out a little more. Usually at a certain point in my cycle I do break out a little bit on my chin. That time had come and gone when I started my Lupron. Sure enough, those little suckers popped back up with some friends.

The hardest part has been not telling people about our IVF. Whenever I am around friends or family I think about it, but then realize it is just more people asking how things are going. 

I work with a lot of young children and their families. This week I had two mom's asking me whether I had kids or not. This tends to be one of the first questions people ask me when they see how much I seem to enjoy children. I do love them and love working with them, but am sick of people asking me if I have my own children. Early on my reason was because I wasn't married yet. Once we got married, I said we were newly married and wanted to enjoy our time without kids. My newest reason is that my hubby wants to finish school and get a job first. This was the main reason we waited a while to start trying, but now that he is almost done this excuse isn't going to work for long. Here is a conversation I had with a mom this week:

Mom: When are you going to have kids?

Me: Ask my husband

Mom: Why, he doesn't want to have any?

Me: No, he just wants to have a job first

Mom: That makes sense. Isn't he almost done?

Me: Yeah, he has 19 weeks left

Mom: Well then you should start trying

Me: (smile)

Mom: (looks at the little boy I work with and says) Don't you think L should have a baby in her belly?

Awkward to say the least. Most of the families I work with the parents are younger than me and already have a few children. One of the families had a baby 3 weeks ago and I went to the house for the first time since she was born this Thursday. I was really looking forward to seeing the new baby, but when I got there she was sleeping in the bedroom. I kept looking over to the video monitor to see if she was going to wake up, but she never did. When the session was over I had to ask to see her. The mom brought me into the bedroom and showed me the beautiful sleeping little baby. She was absolutely adorable. I've found with the infertility that the initial pregnancy announcement is hard to take, but once I get over the initial shock I am really excited for them. One of my co-workers is pregnant and due in May. This week she found out she was having a boy. I am so happy for her because that is what she wanted. When she first told me I was shocked. She just got married in May. I tend to pry a bit and ask a lot of questions "do you guys start trying right away?" They were the "were weren't trying but we weren't not trying." 

One of the weird things about my job is that I problem-solve situations about children with the parents (temper tantrums, potty training, getting rid of pacifiers, ideas for play, developmental milestones, napping, etc.) It is strange to give advice about these things not being a parent yet, but it gives me a better idea of what it will be like. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly for sure!!