Friday, September 30, 2011


Today is the day that I could have become a mother. Instead I'm trying to stay positive, trying to keep my head up. 

My mood goes from feeling happy and satisfied to sad and like there are a ton of bricks on my chest. I thought I would be pregnant at this point. When I got pregnant I was convinced it would happen again easily. Easy is not an accurate word to describe this journey. 

 I thought having a baby was supposed to be fun, exciting, and pleasurable. Instead, the past 15 months have been trying to say the least. I have shed so many tears and learned a lot about myself. I felt sad, happy, excited, and depressed all within an hour's time a thousand times over. 

I wish I was holding an adorable lovable baby today. Instead, I will hug my hubby and furbabies and be glad for everything we do have. I'm not a mommy yet, but I know I will be someday soon. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pre-Op Appointments and Life

I thought yesterday was going to be a nice break from the working norm. I had two separate pre-op appointments and they were scheduled at a range of times. The first one was with my RE at 11 and the other was with the hospital (nursing, anesthesia, phlebotomist) at 1:30.  It seemed to take my RE forever to fill out the paperwork and I felt like I was just sitting there watching him. 

Observations I made while sitting there: 
1. Dr. S has the craziest glasses. The things that keep them on his nose are always going in every direction. It doesn't look comfortable. At one point he got new ones and they looked normal, but now they are all wonky. 
2. There were little flies in the plant on his desk. They looked like fruit flies or something. 
3. Dr. S likes to write post-its about random unrelated things. I wonder what happens to them all.
4.  The chairs are really uncomfortable.

 Oh, I forgot about the bleeding/spotting. The bleeding did stop after the weekend and has since been minor spotting. Hello my panty liners friends, I've missed you. 

I arrived on time to my 1:30 appointment and didn't even get called back until 2:05. In the meantime, there was some decent people-watching in the waiting room. This woman was sitting there filling out paperwork so obviously getting surgery soon. She was VERY overweight and I just figured maybe gastric bypass...?? Well, then her husband shows up with a frozen coffee beverage complete with whipped cream and she starts chatting with the secretary. She mentions a baby who only lived 25 minutes. The woman then goes on to say it took her 8 years to get pregnant with her first and 10 years with "this one". Only then do I notice she's rubbing her belly. When she got called in and I saw her I still wasn't convinced she was pregnant. I guess that will teach me to make assumptions. Yeah, probably not.

Monday, September 26, 2011


I have a box of Menopur that is unused but will expire at the end of this month. If anyone wants it or knows someone who can use it, let me know and I will mail it off. 

I just checked the expiration this weekend and found it was this month. Any takers????


Nothing else unidentifiable has appeared, so that is good.

I went to my GYN for my annual this week. When she asked if anything had changed, I gave her the full run-down. I barely made it through without starting to cry. This makes me wonder whether I've reached a point where I really should see a counselor. She was very nice and everything was super quick. I mentioned the tissue thing to her and she didn't seem to think anything of it. I was still spotting at that time.

On Friday I started bleeding, like a period. I'm still on birth control pills and haven't missed any. That afternoon I called my RE's office and left a message for him to call me back.

When he called, another 45 minute conversation ensued. He offered me another sonohysterogram prior to the hysteroscopy but I said no. He said it was possible that I passed the polyps, but it was certainly unusual and without a tissue specimen it was impossible to tell. He left it as he planned to keep me on BCP's but to call Monday afternoon to let him know if the bleeding had stopped. 

I was bleeding all weekend, so no, it didn't stop. I will call this afternoon and see what he has to say. It's not quite as heavy as a period, but definitely not just spotting. 

He also said that we won't be able to do the FET until I have a cycle after the polypectomy. This means at least 6 weeks until CD 1 for FET.

We rejoined the Y this week so I am hoping to do some running/jogging more consistently. Wish me luck!

Conversation with RE this afternoon and pre-op appointment on Wednesday. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011


TMI alert. You probably want to skip this entire post if you aren't interested about the inner-most workings of my effed up body.

I had some spotting yesterday. I think it was still a result of the sonohysterogram from Monday, so it didn't concern me. What concerned me was when I went to the bathroom to pee when I wiped a large piece of tissue was there. It was larger than a quarter but not rounded. I have no idea what the hell it was. It was almost like a membrane, but what the...???

When I went to flush I noticed there were two more pieces in the toilet. Then more spotting for the rest of the day. 

I called the nurse at my clinic just to let her know and perhaps find out what was going on, but she said she would tell me doc and possibly call me back. No phone call so I think I will survive. I guess I'm not dying. The nurse did tell me to save it if there were more, but there wasn't any more. 

She said she knew you can shed a fibroid because she's seen to happen with another patient, but she had no idea whether that was possible with polyps. I seriously doubt it, but I'm not gonna lie, if there aren't any polyps there when I have my hysteroscopy I am going to be pissed. 

In other exciting news I have my annual appointment with my GYN today. Two violations in one week? No wonder we haven't had any sex, I'm getting enough action without my hubby.

UPDATE: I just talked to the nurse from my clinic. She said without bringing the tissue in to be looked at by the lab, there is no way to tell what it was. She said it isn't likely that someone could shed a polyp unless it was barely hanging on. Mine didn't appear that way. In the future, I am supposed to save anything like that and bring it in so the lab can figure out what it is. It's just another mystery now. I said "So it was probably just some tissue that got dislodged from the sono?" Her reply, "There's shouldn't be any tissue there." Who the hell knows!

Monday, September 19, 2011


Why do the hurdles keep getting higher? Do you know how short my legs are? 

I had SHG #2 today. W was able to make it this time so it was nice to have him there. The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but it didn't take very long. The results....2 polyps. Just great.

So now I have surgical procedure involving anesthesia #4 with Dr. S scheduled. I had Lap #1 last Oct, Lap #2 with bonus D&C in Feb, and my egg retrieval in July.

My surgical hysteroscopy is scheduled for October 5th at noon. I have my pre-op appointment next Wednesday. The procedure itself is supposed to be quick, I just wish it could have been scheduled sooner. 

I can't say I was shocked or surprised about having polyps. At this point I have started to expect the worse, so I had kinda prepped myself to receive the news of polyps. The endometrial biopsy showed traces, so it's no huge surprise. My RE thinks they grew as a result of the high levels of estrogen during my IVF and pseudo-FET cycle. He wasn't able to say whether the poyps and the fluid were related. 

I will stay on the birth control pills until at least October 5th. My biggest question to Dr. S was when will we be able to do the FET after the hysteroscopy? He wasn't able to give me an answer, but said he would discuss it with the panel of doctors this Thursday in order to make the best decision. He said he would call me on Friday and let me know what the consensus is. 

Today was the closest I have come to breaking down in tears in Dr. S's office. Is this FET ever going to happen?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Getting there

Only one week until my next appointment with Dr.S. This is to do sonohysterogram #2. I have very mixed feelings about everything at this point. I have been on birth control pills for almost 5 weeks now, just waiting to get to my next appointment.

Taking a forced break didn't do great things for my mindset. I lost momentum, positivity. I put my vehicle into neutral and didn't move for weeks while the traffic continued around me. 

I wore shorts to work today. When I looked down and saw how hairy my legs were, I knew it had been too long since I had had an ultrasound or appointment. During my IVF cycle in July my legs were shaved so consistently. Nowadays I do it maybe 1x/week. Don't worry, I have shaved since my last appointment : )

I hadn't thought much about my miscarriage lately but there is one reminder. On Facebook my neighbor as a little girl (who is 3 years younger than me) is pregnant and due around the same time I was. Today her status read: "9 months pregnant and baby could come anytime in the next 1-6 weeks! I have started getting some mild cramping on and off everyday... my body is getting ready. I wonder when she will come :)" I really should block her, but I guess I want to torture myself watching her belly grow bigger and bigger.

I had to go to the dentist today. Last Thursday I was snacking on something and then noticed part of my molar had chipped off. I went today and got it all fixed but I think I may dread sitting in the dentists' chair more than reclining in a chair with stirrups. That's a tough one....what about you, what is your preference? Dentist or RE?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

I haven't updated in a while, but I don't really have any exciting news to report. I am still chugging away taking my BCP's, feeling like time is passing rather slowly. I finally called the clinic today (spoke with them last week) and got my appointment scheduled for the sonohysterogram (SHG). Guess what day they had me for? The same day I have a consult scheduled with the other RE, September 19th.

I had to make a decision, and I chose to keep the SHG appointment and reschedule the appointment with the other RE Dr. K. I feel good about this decision because I was feeling a little stressed and pressured about the upcoming appointment. I'm not quite ready to switch RE's, I was really just seeking a second opinion. I rescheduled it for the next available time (November 28). Doing this allows me to go forward the next few months with Dr. S 100%. I feel comfortable and confident with my decision.

So on to Labor Day weekend. We went to Cape Cod with my family for my cousin's wedding. We rode in the car with my Mom, stepdad, and 9 year old brother. It was nice to spend some time with them although it was a LOT of driving over 3 days. We left early Friday and arrived around 3. We stayed at a house with my parents, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, her husband, and their 2 little boys. My aunt and uncle live in Cali so we rarely see them, and my cousin (H) and her hubby live in Jackson, WY and I hadn't yet met her boys. I really only met her hubby at their wedding. 

H's boys are 3 years and 5 months. The 3 year old (T) took to me immediately and we became best buds over the weekend. He wanted me to play with him constantly and would refuse to play with anyone else. He got jealous when I held his baby brother and kept asking me how many more minutes I was going to hold him for. I had a great time and really enjoying spending time with the little guy. Not to mention, he is pretty darn cute! His Dad was sad when he only wanted to hold my hand and his little looks melted my heart. I can't imagine how much I will love them when I have my own kids.

On Friday we went on a boat for the rehearsal dinner. Best. rehearsal dinner. ever!

Passed hor d'oerves, full open bar, raw bar with oysters and clams, lobster rolls, clam chowder, etc. Can you tell how amazing the food was? I ate SO MANY oysters since they were absolutely amazing. I've never really been a fan, but when you are eating them above the water they came from, they taste pretty fresh and delicious. I had quite a few drinks and found the boat was easier to walk on the more drinks one consumed. My hubby said it was because of the water being calmer, but I am going with the beverage theory. 

The wedding was Saturday and was quite the event. The ceremony was in a small church next to the water and the reception was at a historic house.  There were over 200 people and the hor d'oerves were again AMAZING. Bacon wrapped scallops, beef tenderloin with gorgonzola, coconut shrimp, fried oysters, scallops with gazpacho, lobster salad, spanakopita, ahi tuna, crab cakes, shrimp with andouille sausage, etc, etc, etc. When we sat down for dinner we were SO FULL. The dancing was a lot of fun, the party was great, and spending time with family was great. The bride looked beautiful and her hubby and his family made your neck hurt looking up at them. 

Maybe it's because I didn't notice previously, or maybe because the bride and groom are already in their mid 30's, but boy were there a lot of references to having babies in their ceremony and during the speeches. 

All in all, it was a GREAT weekend. Highlights? My little buddy T and the food! I think I can get away with not eating for a few weeks and be OK. 

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

With my Cousin H and her hubby

Doesn't he look patriotic?

Enjoying the last of the sun on the boat

Mmmmm....raw bar!

gorgeous Cape Cod scenery

Beautiful bride with her Mom

My little buddy T. Isn't he adorable?

The bridal party took a trolly to the reception

W with our bro

first dance