Friday, March 25, 2016


This week my sister informed me that her marriage is over, she plans to leave. When she first told me the news I was so caught off guard and scared by her tone and seriousness. I went back to W that night and told him how she really sounded like she meant it and how it scared me. 

Since we speak pretty much daily the next few days gave me the opportunity to ask and find out more details. 

According to her it's been "really bad for a really long time."  I knew he didn't help much around the house or with their son. That he was ungrateful for everything she does to keep their household afloat. Every winter while he's at home on seasonal unemployment playing video games and smoking pot, my sister is busting her butt, working two jobs and dropping Benny off at daycare. She put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Apparently they had a big blow out fight about it all and my BiL asked her if she even still wanted to be married. That's when she told him no. 

But it all makes me so sad to think about. My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 9. I remember those following years like they were a deep black hole for my family. My mom cried a lot, was very depressed, and it affected us all so much. When she started dating and put that before us and her family, it once again affected us. Maybe it's that my dad left and my mom didn't see if coming, but it was so hard for her and our family. 

I hate to think of my sister feeling like that and going through something like it. If it were just her it'd be one thing, but my three year old nephew is about to be along for the ride. Breaks ups are really hard, I can't imagine breaking up when married with a child. 

All week any time I thought about it I'd get super upset. I would cry thinking about being a spectator during the process. Having to watch their marriage and family unravel. Knowing Benny will be experiencing it all with them and that he will also grow up in a broken home with broken parents.  

Today I talked to my sister and through tears I told her my fears. My fears for her and my nephew. How even though I'm not a huge fan of my BiL, how I'm still feeling terrible for him and waiting to hear about his self destruction and decline. 

It's all so sad. I wish they had tried harder to work on things sooner. That my sister had stood up to him years ago and put her foot down. That they could work together rather than give up. 

My sister said she wants to move out within the next month. That she can't take being around him and constantly being guilted by him. That maybe they could work on things, just not in their current living situation. 

I'm really so sad about all of it. I hate to think of my sister going through a divorce, especially knowing how hard it was on my mom and family as a child. Please keep my sister in your thoughts and send her strength during this time. I know she'll need it. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

5 months old


I can't believe you're five months old already! You're growing and changing so much and definitely aren't that same squishy baby we brought home 5 months ago. You're officially rolling both ways now and are so proud of yourself when you do. We've started focusing more on sitting and helping you practice that and you're already getting better. You've almost grown out of all of your three month clothes and I was a little sad you barely even wore some things. Your sisters fit in 0-3 month clothes for a long time. You're generally very happy and smile at everyone. Your face lights up so huge when you see your sisters. They're so good at helping to bring you toys or talk to you when you're being fussy. You're getting really great at grabbing things and pulling them to your mouth and you love to pull my hair any chance you get. We're still working through the hearing and reflux issues, but hopefully will have that figured out soon. You had a few great weeks when we first upped your reflux meds but lately it seems to be bothering you again. I tried a protein shake that you really didn't like and you started waking 3-4 times a night to comfort nurse. I'm glad I figured out the problem. You're generally up once, maybe twice a night to eat. You are still sleeping in our bed in the Dock a Tot, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Since you're still waking at night to eat and likely my last baby I like having you close. You nap about 4-5 times during the day and have a pretty good routine/schedule. You are a pretty relaxed baby that is willing to hang out as long as you are a part of the action or can see what is going on. I can't believe next month you will be half of the way to a year old! Time can slow down whenever. 

I was sleeping next to her until her sisters woke up. 

Taking a break during our car trip. 


Someone found the tubing to my pump. 

Lucy "reading" to her sister. 

Play date with twin boys Sam and Jackson. 

Cool kids

Saturday, March 12, 2016


I drove a Subaru Impreza Outback until the day my girls were born. On that day I rear ended someone, breaking my water and totaling the car I loved so much. 

We were planning to get me a new car to accommodate our growing family, but the accident sped things up. My husband wanted a mini van, I wanted a Honda Pilot or Totota Highlander, and my FiL thought we should get an SUV with third row seating. We decided shortly after on the Mazda CX-9. 

While there were things I really liked about that car we ultimately decided to sell it about 14 months later because it was so large and I didn't feel like I could see well out of it. In the fall of 2014 I traded in my Mazda for a Subaru Outback. 

3 1/2 short months later we found out I was pregnant with baby #3. In an attempt to not get a new car right away we got Diono car seats that fit three across for L &C. 

Although it's a tight squeeze we mostly make it work. We couldn't afford another car right away so we were determined to make it work. 

The thing is, it's tough. When we travel long distances even the passenger can barely reach the girls. They fight because they're so close to each other, and recently L & C have given Stella food on a few occasions. Before it wasn't a big deal, but now she's super into it and will try to put anything in her mouth. The other day I arrived home to discover her munching happily on a cereal bar. 

We've started talking about and looking at vans but I'm not totally sold. I'm not convinced climbing into the third row will be any easier and I'm not sure how to configure three rear facing car seats. Another option would be to transition Stella to a convertible Dionk seat and keep the Subaru. 

What do you drive?

Thursday, March 3, 2016


Last weekend we traveled to my sister's house to visit my nephew and celebrate his third birthday. We planned to stay Friday night and return Saturday evening while the girls were sleeping. 

The prior Monday my dad started experiencing severe vertigo. He was unable to drive himself, walk very far without leaning on the walls or others for support, or even stay upright for long. He was spending most of his days in bed sleeping. He went to an urgent care facility and was given an antibiotic and something for the vertigo. They assumed it was a sinus or ear infection. When he wasn't improving he called a few days later. They told him they wanted him to finish his antibiotic before being seen again. 

By Benny's party on Saturday dad still wasn't feeling any better. He came to the party but spent most of the time sitting or laying on the couch in the corner. He was super low energy and just looked awful. He said he was so nauseous from the vertigo that he couldn't eat much. With everyone's urging, his girlfriend took him to the ER after that party. 

As we were sitting on the couch spending the last few minutes with my sister, car packed full of stuff, we got a call saying they found out that my dad had had a stroke. It was then that we knew we were staying another night. 

The following morning we went to visit dad at the hospital. He seemed to be doing better and said the vertigo had improved. With lots of further testing in the following days they were able to find a small blockage in his cerebellum (the part of your brain responsible for balance and coordination). He was given something to break up the clot and was able to go home Tuesday night.  

Dad has a lot of follow up appointments including an ENT because they found a small mass on his thyroid. We're all hoping this serves as a wakeup call and that he starts to make choices to get healthier. He seems to be in denial now, but I just hope he realizes how lucky he was. A blood clot can be extremely devastating or even fatal. The fact that he had one and is now seemly fine really is lucky. 

I'm just so glad that my dad is okay.