He's Back

Our kitty Hoback came home on Tuesday afternoon. He's doing very well and we're so happy to have him home. I'm not sure if he has seasonal allergies or a cold, but he is sneezing a lot and sniffly. His eyes are also very watery. He's on antibiotics so I don't think we need to worry much about it. Since he's been home he's been spending a lot of time hanging out next to open windows, sleeping on pillows on the couch, and drinking from the faucets in the bathrooms. He's got a tough life. 

My crazy dreams are also back. Every night for about the past week I've had crazy/bad dreams. This is something that happened a lot early on in my pregnancy, but disappeared for quite a few months. Last night I dreamt I had a baby boy. A family friend came to help out but was doing everything and not giving me a chance to take care of him. I then dreamt my baby was our cat and that I was trying to breast feed him and then give him a bottle. Neither was very successful. The other night I dreamt about 2 snakes, one of which that kept trying to attack me. It finally bit me on my big toe and wouldn't let go. 

I'm sure some of this anxiety in my dreams comes from the fear of having these babies so soon. At best we have 40 days until they arrive. 

I had an ob apointment yesterday with an ultrasound. The girls were measuring a bit different in size. Up until now they have been measuring about the same. A month ago there was a 7% difference between them. Yesterday there was a 13% difference. Baby a was estimated to be 3 lbs 13 oz and baby b was estimated to be 4 lbs 7 oz. They both looked great otherwise though. It's so crazy to have an ultrasound at this point because there are so many body parts everywhere. It's hard to keep it all straight. They had their little heads right next to each other. So cute! My cervix was also staying strong at a bit longer than 3 cm. It hadn't changed much from my last ultrasound a month ago. 

I also had my first non-stress test. Both babies cooperated very well so it didn't take much time. I met and talked with my ob after. It's looking like baby a is still breech and I'm sure very cramped for space. I hope she is able to move, but I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I'm accepting the possibility of a c section at this point. Whatever gets them here the safest way is the most important. Dr. R said he doesn't worry about the size difference until there is a 20% difference between them. 

I can't believe how soon these girls will be here! It's getting really exciting. I just wish we could settle on some names for these girls. 

Wedding

Last weekend we attended the wedding of W's cousin. It was in NJ, about 5 hours away by car. I had no idea how much my feet would swell from just sitting in the car and it made me really glad I don't have a desk job. 

We didn't go for the "welcome dinner" on Friday night because I just knew it would be too much. I also wanted some time to spend with W over the weekend not doing anything special. 

We headed down early Saturday morning and arrived at the hotel with a few hours to spare. Since we don't have cable (just Netflix) we watched some mindless T.V and relaxed. The wedding was at 5:00.

The venue was beautiful and the ceremony was absolutely perfect. We both admitted that we liked the ceremony better than our own. I teared up as the bride walked down the isle and as they said their vows. Whenever I hear a couple say their vows it makes me think of everything we committed to on our wedding day and how we've kept those commitments despite everything. No one ever thinks their marriage will face so much stress and pressure those first few years. It makes me so glad I have such a great guy who has stood by my side throughout it all and that we came out of it a stronger couple. 

There was dinner under a tent and dancing in a barn up the hill a little ways. The cake was made by the groom's sister and was the most amazing carrot cake ever. I may have had 2 slices. It was a lot of standing on my feet in not very smart shoes, but I still enjoyed myself. 

I wanted to share a few photos from the wedding since I really liked them. I was 24+4 in these pictures and our BiL took them. 

At the wedding I took a few bites of things I haven't been eating. It's so hard when you are at a wedding and faced with so many delicious things. I passed on a lot, but tried a few things. That night I had a horrible dream that a doctor told us the babies were going to die and we just had to wait for their hearts to stop beating. It really made me think it's better to just pass than to feel guilty about eating things. It's such a small sacrifice for something so amazing. I think next time I'll just say no. 

8 Weeks

I'm almost through week 8. I oscillate between feeling really positive and confident about things to worrying a whole bunch. Early in the week we watched the first episode of the Walking Dead. That night I had a horrible dream that the babies died. I also dreamt I was chasing my cat around the supermarket because he got free from a bag I was carrying him in. I have a lot of crazy dreams, but this was one of the worst. I woke up feeling horrible and scared. When I told my sister about my dream she said she had bad dreams when she was pregnant and watched that show. We won't be watching it again any time soon. 

I finally made a decision about an OB and made an appointment this week. When I saw Dr. Br.averman on Monday he said he wanted me to be seen this week or next. I was so overwhelmed by the decision of who to choose I put it off until later in the week. 

I first started with the hospital I knew I wanted to deliver at. I chose that one because they have the highest level NICU. I really hope we don't need it, but it's good to have "in my back pocket" as my general physician said. I got recommendations from 2 friends and my general physician about who to use. Then I called and made an appointment. They didn't have anything this week so I made an appointment for next Thursday afternoon. They offered me one Tuesday morning, but the afternoon is much better so that W can be there. I'm really nervous about the idea of not getting and ultrasound. I have no idea whether I will not not, but I'm not sure I can go too much longer without one. It's so easy to get spoiled with weekly ultrasounds. 

After my bad dream this week I decided I wanted to buy a doppler. I ordered one online and am hoping it comes this week. I really hope it doesn't cause me more stress since I bought it for reassurance. I realize it doesn't always pick up a heartbeat, so I promise I'll try not to stress if that happens.

This week the babies are the size of raspberries or about 3/4 of an inch. The fingers and toes are still webbed but starting to differentiate. Upper lips, the tip of little noses, ears, and eyelids are developing. The babies even have distinguished wrists and elbows that they can flex.  

My belly is definitely getting bigger. I still don't think it's noticeable to anyone else, but it feels more firm and has a different shape. I'm still fitting into my jeans but joked the dryer really shrunk my one pair this week. I put them on one morning and had to really stretch them out before they felt comfortable. I may not be putting them in the dryer again. I'm sure it's the dryer's fault, not the fact that I'm getting any bigger, right?

My symptoms are about the same. The nausea fluctuates from day to day and hour to hour. I'm still exhausted and love my sleep and naps.

The meat aversion has improved slightly and I had meat at 2 different meals this week. One was a soup that had chicken in it and I had a few bites with the chicken and then last night I ate corned beef. I know it's not great a great choice, but it's a once a year occasion. I've noticed anything with nitrates in it seems to give me headaches so that wasn't so much fun last night. 

I'm still getting up a few times a night to pee although I tend to resist and then not sleep as well. The bathroom really isn't that far and I try to keep my eyes closed as I pee so that I can fall back asleep easily. 

I've had some heartburn this week and eating Tums seem to help a bunch. 

My ovaries still feel huge and are really painful if I move fast or suddenly. Last night I rotated in bed and was in so much pain on both sides. 

My back has also started hurting a little bit this week and I'm not sure why. Good thing my hubby is a physical therapist. He said he was going to look into some exercises for me. I also want to start doing prenatal yoga but there isn't any place that close and the only one I found offers it on Thursday evening. Not sure how well that will work. W and I talked about ordering a DVD. We took the dogs for a walk today since it was so beautiful. I have honestly been too scared to do anything but am realizing it's really important to at least walk as much as possible.

I haven't really had any cravings. Every time I open the fridge and see pickles though they look absolutely delicious. It's the only thing that looks good all the time (even in the early morning). I don't think that's really anything new though. Just typing this makes me want to eat one. It just seems so cliche. 

I don't have a ton of patience these days. I feel badly as I work with young children and really should be more patient, but I'm struggling lately. I also don't have a ton of patience with W but he's pretty understanding. He appreciates that I recognize it and apologize after.

I'm still on Metformin 2000 mg/day, Neupogen 35 units each evening, Lovenox 40 mg in the morning and evening, 3 estrogen patches every other day, 2 cc's progesterone in oil every night, baby aspirin and Foltanx in the morning, and a prenatal vitamin. Last time I asked Dr. Br.averman he said just to continue everything. Not sure when I will stop them but I'm nervous just thinking about it.  

Last night we stopped at the mall and looked at a few baby things. We haven't bought anything other than the onesie and outfit in NYC but it was kinda fun to look at things and start thinking. W and I both woke up this morning and talked about dreams we both had where we were lost. I think it pretty much sums up how we are both feeling. The twin thing is sinking in more and more and I'm starting to get excited and feel attached to them. I've been really guarded this whole time but I feel myself letting my guard down more and more. I just hope things continue to go well. 

Retrieval Keeps Things Interesting

My retrieval was scheduled for yesterday (Monday) at 1:30 P.M. I've never had a retrieval that late in the day, so I figured I would be very hungry and thirsty leading up to it. The cutoff for food and drink was midnight Sunday night. 

On Sunday afternoon we headed to Queens to stay at an empty apartment owned by our friends. They are in the process of selling it but are waiting to close. We arrived around 9:00 and found the place easily. The apartment was really nice and spacious, but quite empty. Apart from the bed there wasn't much else. Unfortunately, we weren't able to pick up on any wireless networks so watched Net.flix from W's i.Phone. Not the biggest screen ever, but it worked. 

We slept in Monday morning and took our time as we showered and got ready. We left the apartment around 11:00 to head into Manhattan where the retrieval would take place. We found a cheap parking garage nearby and left our car for a few hours. 

From there we had over an hour to kill so decided to walk around some. I do not recommend walking around Manhattan around lunch time when you haven't eaten in twelve hours and are super hungry. I have to say though that the good and bad smells would waver from one step to the next, and one block to the next. There were certainly tons of restaurants to admire as we walked. There was even a guy who stood outside a place and offered free hot soup samples. Soup is my absolute favorite so it was a bit torturous to walk past and not take a delicious sample. 

We went into a few stores and made a few small purchases to kill the time. We then headed to the clinic with plenty of time to spare.  The staff was not overly communicative about anything. There was another couple there scheduled to go before me and the husband was not being cooperative. He refused to sign any consents without things being thoroughly explained to him. He also came to the front desk to complain that it was 1:05 and his wife's procedure time was supposed to be 1:00. I'm not sure if it was their first time or what, but they were making things much more difficult than they needed to be. 

Dr. Br.averman has a contract with this office. They only perform procedures and don't actually treat any patients. I would not see Dr. B during this procedure. 

I got changed and waited in the smallest recovery room ever. As I changed the other woman was taken into the procedure room. The recovery room I waited in contained three beds with a curtain between each one. They had me wait in the bed closest to the wall with the procedure room on the other side of that wall. There was a sliding door between the rooms.

As I waited a nurse came in and told me W had gone to give his sample. At one point the RE came in to explain the procedure and risks to me. He asked me if I had any questions and I asked about what kind of anesthesia would be used. For my last retrieval there was a shortage of Pro.pofol and I was in a lot of pain and remembered most of the procedure. Luckily the RE said they had Pro.pofol and joked I had done my last retrieval in Mexico. 

After what seemed like a little while the sliding door opened and I heard hysterical crying. I guess the woman who went before me did not wake up in a good place. They wheeled a bed from the recovery room into the procedure room and I heard them giving her instructions to transfer into that bed. The whole time she was hysterical and I heard it all. I'm not going to lie, this definitely made my heart start to beat a bit faster. 

After they wheeled her into the recovery room and had her cry in the bed next to me they told me it was my turn. I walked into the adjacent room and was immediately asked by the nurse if it was my first retrieval. When I told her it wasn't she was relieved because she didn't want the other patient to freak me out. 

The next bit was a complete whirlwind. The RE came in and instructed me to scoot down the bed while lots of other people moved around the room. I guessed who the anesthesiologist was and finally asked. He started the IV and asked me literally three questions, two of which were the same. It wasn't exactly the confidence I desired. Next things I knew I looked up to see am empty syringe in the anesthesiologists hand and heard him say, "things are underway." I felt a slight burning in my throat and was asleep quickly. 

I woke up and the nurses asked me to walk back to the recovery room. I was super lightheaded and felt  lots of cramps. They had me lie in the same bed I was in previously and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep a little more. 

I guess they had other plans for me. They continued to bother me as I just wanted to be left alone to nap. The one nurse offered me a drink and I had zero interest in it. The anesthesiologist and RE came in numerous times. They put a blood pressure cuff on each of my arms. The anesthesiologist at one point lifted my legs and held them in the air for a few minutes. He kept straightening my arm for the IV and asked me to lie on my back rather than my side. They asked me if I was in pain to which I replied yes. They gave me something for the pain but it didn't really help. Most of this time was mostly a blur. 

Eventually I realized they were concerned about my blood pressure. When they asked me what my systolic pressure typically ran I said around 120-130. I then asked what it was. They replied that it was in the 70's! 

I remember seeing W as he hung back a bit and that I felt really cold. The RE came back (apparently he had left) and grabbed my hand to talk to me. I told him his hand was really cold. He decided he wanted to do an ultrasound since my blood pressure was so low and I was in pain. 

They wheeled me back into the room and did a trans-abdominal ultrasound. There wasn't any fluid there so they just continued to pump fluids into me through my IV and brought me back into the recovery room. 

Slowly my blood pressure came back up. The RE said he didn't want us to leave that night and told us it would be best to stay another night. He gave W his cell phone number, his secretary's number, and the hospital info for the one he had rights to. He said he thought I would be fine but it was just good to have that info and keep and eye on things. He said my blood pressure likely got so low due to the fact that I was so dehydrated. I guess that's what happens when you can't have anything to eat or drink for 13 hours. 

Once things were under control and I was more conscious I asked about how many eggs we got. The nurses disappeared for a few minutes and came back to give me some seriously disappointing news. 

They retrieved twelve eggs, only twelve. I know I had at least twenty follicles and felt a bit blindsided by this information. I started to ask questions and they brought in the embryologist. She explained that many of the follicles did not contain eggs. I was completely heartbroken. I am used to egg counts in the high teens or twenties and I knew we had a LOT of follicles. 

I know a lot of people would be thrilled with that many eggs but I was just caught off guard. I really had expected a much higher number. 

I had been instructed by Dr. B's office to take a HCG booster shot of 1,500 IU's after retrieval. I was completely confused about how to do this, so called his office to speak to a nurse. She talked me through it and then I asked about the empty follicles. She said she would ask Dr. B and put me on hold. 

Then Dr. B got on the phone and asked me what was up. I told him what I was told and how disappointed I was. He listened and replied with true concern and compassion. He said no one really knows why empty follicles occur but they likely aren't really empty. The eggs instead stick to the wall of the follicle and then the egg does not come free easily. He said likely it was an egg quality issue with those eggs but that it said nothing about the eggs that were retrieved. He told me it was way too early to get disappointed and that anything over 10 eggs was still good.  He said it could have been the stimulation protocol but there was no way to know that at the time. I honestly felt on the verge of tears. I was glad I was able to talk to Dr. B, and he seemed so positive, but I still felt pretty low. 

W tried to reassure me that we still got a bunch of eggs and that the embryologist said the eggs we got looked really great. 

We left around 4:30 and headed to get some food. My friend had recommended a mac & cheese restaurant so we ate there. As we sat and ate I wanted to cry multiple times. Between the blood pressure fiasco and empty follicles I was feeling really low. W continued to try to reassure me, but I just needed to process everything. From there we headed to a frozen yogurt place a few blocks away and I treated myself to as many delicious toppings as appealed to me. 

We headed back to the apartment in Queens and I napped for a bit in bed. After an hour or two I woke up and wanted to get some fresh air and go for a walk. I was a little hungry so we decided to look for a place to eat. We stopped at some kind of South American restaurant and had some delicious homemade soup. W and I both joked after we left that being in that restaurant was like being in another country. I was convinced I wanted to take the train into Manhattan to see a late night movie, but W was a little more guarded. He didn't think it was a good idea and I realized he was probably right when the cramping returned. 

We went back and watched a little more Net.flix on the i.Phone before we fell asleep. We did my PIO shot and I slapped some estrogen patches on my stomach. I still felt pretty sore and had a lot of cramps. 

I dreamt last night that I was looking for a place to hide and bawl my eyes out. I didn't want W to be there, so found some place and curled up in a chair with one of my dogs. I'm sure it reflects the disappointment I felt. 

I woke up this morning and felt much better. My stomach seemed to have gone done in size and I had gotten up a few times in the night to pee out some of the fluid they pumped me full of. 

We walked to get some breakfast and had another foreign country-like experience. After, we got back in the car ready to head home and I felt SO bloated and full. I reclined for most of the ride and things were quite uneventful as we drove. 

Around 3:00 I emailed Dr. B to get the fertilization report. He responded in literally two minutes to tell me of the twelve eggs retrieved 8 were mature. They performed ICSI on all 8 and... ALL EIGHT FERTILIZED!! This really helped to perk me up a lot.  Our first IVF we had a 55% fertilization rate, #2 we had 80%, #3 we had 61%, and #4 we had 68%. 100% really is great! I asked about In-Virto Maturation and he said they would try with the other 3 eggs. 

So, as much as I was disappointed by the number of eggs retrieved and overwhelmed by the whole blood pressure thing, I was happy to hear about the fertilization. 

We got home this evening around 5:00 and my MiL brought our dogs home to us and joined us for dinner. I still feel pretty full and uncomfortable and am sure I have at least a little OHSS, but I am okay. I'm going to try to work tomorrow but will see how I feel when I get up/as the day progresses. I really need to make some money and work since I have taken off so much time lately. 

I joked to W that I've had two near death experiences (sliding off the road in the snow and really low blood pressure after retrieval) already this cycle. Hopefully everything else will be smooth sailing from this point forward.

My transfer is still scheduled for Saturday at this point and we will head down Friday night and possibility stay the weekend in the city now that we have our own apartment to stay in. 

Tomorrow I will hear again how things are progressing and hopefully it will be more good news. Things have definitely been crazy this time, but I know it will all be worth it if we end up pregnant. Either way, there nothing else we can do but hold on and try to enjoy the ride. 

They Hit

Side effects. Always after 3 days on any medication I start to feel side effects. I have had a dull headache since Wednesday night right before bed. I woke up yesterday and it lingered all day. I was able to take a nap while hubby was cooking dinner so that was nice but when I woke up the headache was still there. 

Crazy dreams! This morning I was dreaming about a giant horse kicking and biting me in the face when W woke me up. It was scary! I also dreamt I was in my freshman college dorm. Little things pop up during the day that remind me of parts of a crazy dream. 

I'm feeling a little spacey and forgetful. I will start a sentence and not be able to finish. Makes me look smart. 

Hot flashes. I'm usually pretty cold but yesterday when I asked someone "Is it hot in here" and they replied, "no, I'm actually cold" I knew something was up. I drove with my windows down for part of the day. 

My boobs are getting a little sore and uncomfortable. 

I'm craving crap food. Not sure if this is just me though. I can't seem to consistently make good choices. I was at a pre-kindergarten class yesterday and it was someone's birthday. Those cupcakes looked too good to pass up. Funfetti with whipped cream frosting. Boy did I regret that one. I don't ever eat that much sugar so it shocked me a bit with a super intense headache and stomachache. It was pretty delicious in the moment though. 

We have a bunch of snow on the ground this morning and are supposed to get a few more inches today. I wish I could just stay home and drink hot chocolate. 

3 more BCP's and 4 days until my suppression check. Is this really happening? Hope everyone has a safe Friday the 13th. I have a friend who has her beta for IVF #3 today. I hope she gets good news. 

It's been one week

Ok, it been more than one week, but I woke up last Friday with the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" stuck in my head. It had been one week since we found it. I have been singing in periodically since. Here, get it stuck in your head too: One Week

Not too much to report these days, just waiting anxiously till Friday when we have our ultrasound. I am hoping for the best and my mood about it changes from day to day. Some days I feel great and have no reason to believe anything bad will happen. Other days (like today) I wake up with a terrible sinking feeling for absolutely no reason. I had a bad dream last night and was up for at least an hour unable to fall back asleep. I think this was part of my bad feelings about it all this morning. I guess also reading infertility blogs and forums makes you realize that miscarriages are all too common. I tell myself some days I need to stop reading and just relax.

I have been a little stressed about work since I am incredibly busy and exhausted as a result. I am making great money which really helps build up our savings. We are hoping to take a vacation this spring when my hubby gets a week off. I can't wait since we haven't taken a real vacation since last May in Aruba. I guess that isn't all that long, but it sure feels like it. I only took 2 days off for Christmas and am feeling like I really need a break.

Last weekend we got together with our friends who have the 6-month old baby. She is absolutely adorable and we had a great time. We witnessed a "polar bear plunge" into the finger lake Skaneateles (pronounced skinny-atlas.) It was quite the spectacle. The said the windchill was 5 degrees, yet people were jumping into the lake in their thongs. It was all for charity, but I can't see being that crazy.

I know it doesn't look sunny, but I am addicted to my sunglasses and wear them whenever there is the slightest bit of light. 

We had lunch and headed back to our place to hang with our friends and the baby. It is crazy to hear them talk about how 5 minutes of time to themselves is amazing. They had hired a babysitter a few nights before and gone on their first date since having the baby and were super excited about getting out and just being a couple again. They said the babysitter was $40 plus the cost of the date. Makes it seem much more special I guess. I know we have to enjoy our weekends of watching movies, relaxing, and being spontaneous. It is hard to appreciate it when you have it all the time.

It is so difficult not telling people our news, but I know it is for the best and we need to know everything is going well before telling people. We are planning to tell after our first trimester and should get a better idea of how far along I am on Friday. The hardest is when people ask "What's new?"

On other news I am definitely ready for a new bra since I take mine off now and have marks from it indenting into me. I am getting a little tired of the progesterone and leakage, but know it is for the best. We are thinking about investing in a larger mattress since we currently only have a full sized one. We bought it a few years ago when we had a tiny bedroom. Had we gotten anything bigger, we wouldn't have been able to get to both of our closets. We looked at some mattresses and bed frames this weekend and found some great deals so we will probably get one some time soon. I feel like things aren't too interesting these days so I apologize if I just bored you with my mattress talk. I am still hearing One Week in my head, how about you?