IVF #1 CD 25, Putting myself back together

I haven't posted on my blog in over a week. I needed to step away and pull myself together before I could write again. The disappointment of the way things turned out was overwhelming and it's taken me some time to get myself back into an OK place. I haven't been great about commenting on blogs, and I haven't had much to say on my own blog. It was so hard to feel like I did everything in my power for success and just ended up with some really bad luck. 

My thoughts have been all over the place since last Friday. I got up early last Monday in order to get my HCG and progesterone levels checked again. My HCG was 11 so it was definitely going down and the fluid is still unexplained. On the plus side my progesterone was over 100 which means the PIO worked well for me. My RE thinks the fluid was likely a reaction from my endometrium to the meds, but isn't sure why it happened. He said the drugs don't only stimulate your ovaries but they also stimulate your fallopian tubes and uterus. My lining was at 14 a few days before the transfer which is the thickest I have known it to be outside of when I was pregnant.  I can't tell you how scared I am for my next period.

By that afternoon I called my RE. We spoke on the phone for an hour and I discussed with him my future options and concerns. W and I had been thinking about just skipping the FET and doing another fresh IVF cycle, as were concerned mainly about the financial aspects. After talking to my RE I found out the FET will only be the cost of the meds which are pretty cheap. I paid for an IVF cycle and the cost includes a transfer, so there will be no additional cost for the FET. Even if we had to pay, our clinic only charges $500 for a FET. 

In a sense doing the FET will allow me to feel like we completed the cycle and didn't waste the money. It will give me closure and make me feel like we gave our embryos the best chance for success. I imagine a future where I tell my child that he/she was frozen in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen.  

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this FET working, even though I would love it to. I know the success rates for frozen transfers are lower and my embryos were slow to develop all along. In addition, they were frozen on day 3. Going into the IVF cycle I had been optimistic and the real thought of getting pregnant existed. Once again I feel really far away from being pregnant. 

When I talked with my RE I asked him some questions. He did say that the fact that only one egg fertilized naturally and divided was definitely significant. I've come to accept the fact that infertility for me isn't going to be a day trip, it is a journey around the world. I thought and hoped that Clomid would work for me or that IUI's would be successful. I thought I would get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage, or that I would get pregnant with twins on my first round of IVF. In reality I thought it would all be much easier than it has been. I know I will come out on the other side of all of this a stronger and more grateful person, but the journey has been much bumpier than I ever imagined. 

Dave and all the ladies

My sister's wedding was this weekend, and to be honest, I was glad to not be PUPO. I had to give a speech and was super nervous about that. I was able to stress without more stress (if that makes any sense) and was able to drink, hang out late and really enjoy myself. We were up until 3 last night and I had such a fantastic time. My speech went well and I got some good laughs. My sister looked beautiful and they were so happy together. Listening to the ceremony and the vows definitely made me tear up and think about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other. 

beautiful bride

As we drove home W and I talked about how I thought I was going to be super pregnant at Kate's wedding. The fact that the EDD for my miscarriage is coming up and I don't feel any closer to being pregnant is upsetting. 

My speech (I don't look as nervous as I felt)

Kate and I after the wedding. We look SO much alike in this photo

My RE kept me on progesterone support in hopes that I will shed everything with my next period (including whatever was in my uterus prior to transfer). He switched me from PIO to Prometrium and I took the last pill this morning. I am now waiting for my next period and will have another ultrasound once I stop bleeding. The FET is potentially only a few weeks away so I am excited about that. Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize for not being a better blogger. 

sibilng rivalry

My sister and I are about 2 and a half years apart. She's the older one and never took the little sister thing well. In fact, the first day they brought me home my sister went upstairs and peed through a heating vent onto my Mom's head as she was holding me. 

Things didn't get much better as time went on. I was super cute when I was little (perhaps a little biased), and K was always jealous of me. My Mom and I also got along better since I was the easy-going one. My parents split up when we were young and my Mom raised us for the most part. My sister argued about everything and always gave my mother a hard time. She also tortured me often. She never wanted me to play with her and convinced me to do all sorts of things that got me in trouble. Example: telling me she would give me $20 if I danced on the roof naked when I was about 7. The neighbor called and all I got was in trouble, definitely no money. 

When I became a teenager and started dating she would find out everything bad I was doing and tell my mom. Not that anything really came out of that, but she sure tried to get me in trouble. I always did well in school and had lots of friends. K struggled more, especially with doing well in school, despite the fact that she is very smart. Our fights escalated as we hit our teens and we barely tolerated each other. 

When I was in late middle school my mom started dating a guy who lived a few hours away. In the end, she decided she would move out to live with him. The plan was to move the summer after my sister graduated from high school (I had completed my freshman year). It was up to us whether we wanted to move or not. I knew I wanted to move to get a fresh start, especially out of the shadow of my older sister. My sister made the decision to stay and move in with my dad. 

After this point we started to get along again. I would go up on weekends and we would hang out. She would call me and we would talk. 

Fast-forward about 10 years. She still lives there and I still live 3 hours away. I have my master's degree and a great job, she just (after 3 attempts and about 7 years) finished cosmotology school and is currently a waitress. I have been married almost 2 years, she is getting married this summer. We own a house, she rents a half-house that is not in great condition. I'm not trying to say how much more awesome I am than her (even though I am), I am just trying to paint a picture of how things are between us. We get along well and she calls me often to chat about nothing and everything. She knew about my first surgery, but doesn't know about the miscarriage or any of the treatments we have been doing recently. The reason I don't tell her is because she has a big mouth and will tell the world. I'm not sure I want the world to know I am doing IVF or everything else we have been through.

This weekend we went to visit for a bridal shower and wedding-related cocktail party. For the first time since I can remember, she is thinner than me. I haven't been feeling great about my weight, but that's another post for another day. The parties were fine, but recently she has been talking a lot about starting a family. I asked her if she will continue to exercise and try to lose weight after the wedding and she said that she was going to be pregnant right away after the wedding. I think she has even said she knows she will get pregnant right away (that being her "kind of luck"). She says it like it's a bad thing that she could get pregnant right away.

 The thing that scares me the most is that she will. I would hate for my under-acheiving sister to finally surpass me at something. I understand she is probably due for a chance to show me up and she is already 30, but it will completely kill me if it happens. I know it's not a competition and her getting pregnant doesn't affect whether I will or not, but I don't want that to happen, especially when we have over a year of a head-start on trying. 

We rode up with my Mom who hasn't been supportive at all through this infertility process and she said something to me like, "It looks like K is going to beat you to having kids." Really Mom? You want me to feel worse about it than I already do? I didn't have much of a response, but felt pretty crappy for a while. I don't even bother telling anything to my mom because she just sucks about this. 

K asked me this weekend when I was going to get pregnant. I told her a few months ago that I wasn't "allowed" to try after the most recent surgery. She totally bought my story at the time, but this weekend was pressing for dates as to when I can start trying. I said something like we have an appointment around the time of her wedding and we will see what is up (when hopefully in reality I will be in the 2ww from our first IVF cycle). She said that it will be great because we can be trying at the same time. 

I guess I could be more open about everything we are going through, but the few people I have told have disappointed me so much. I really only have 2 people who are actually supportive consistently about it all, and a bunch of people who either don't ask at all or say the wrong things. Unless you've been there you won't be able to understand. 

This weekend was hard. It was hard to hear people talking about their pregnant children, their grandchildren, and how they are going to get pregnant right away. The reality of all of this hits hard sometimes. Why do we have to be in the minority when it comes to getting pregnant and why do I have to feel so bad about it all? Why does getting prenant have to feel like a competition with my sister? Welcome back sibling rivalry!

Updates at 6 weeks

So my RE called yesterday to discuss my ultrasound with me and to answer any questions. The conversation ended up lasting about 25 minutes, but like I have said before he is always extremely thorough and a big talker. The only thing I can say negative about him is that he is never overly optimistic about anything. He always plays the cautious role, but it doesn't always make me feel great. He said the heart beat was in fact a little slow at 101, but that many things can affect it and he didn't think it was "clinically significant." He said if it had been 50 he would be concerned. He also said the most important thing is that they were able to detect a heart beat and that it is there.

We also talked about progesterone and he said as long as the cost isn't too high for me, he wants me to continue until 12 weeks. He would have the nurse call in more of the Endometrin since I ran out this week. I have to say, I'm pretty used to it at this point and the "leakage" doesn't make me nervous anymore. I am not thrilled about taking it until 12 weeks, but whatever I can do to help the baby I am willing to do. It's no big deal at this point. I will have even more to celebrate at 12 weeks!

He also was going to write a script to get my beta and progesterone levels done locally. He said the beta levels weren't that important at this point and he just wants to make sure they are going up. With the heartbeat he seemed pretty confident they were going up.

 I went yesterday and called the clinic this afternoon to get the results. I spoke with the nurse and found out my beta was 3,972 and my progesterone was 14.99. She said an average range for the beta at this point is about 10,000 to 100,000 but when I looked in my "What to Expect" book it said a normal amount at 6 weeks is 1,080 to 56,500. I'm not sure if the nurse was looking at the wrong thing or what, but I'm hoping the levels are fine. I think like the doctor said, as long as they are going up that is what is important. The nurse also said at this point they rely more on the ultrasounds and measuring growth to make sure everything is fine. Next Friday is getting close and the days are passing faster. Seeing fewer kids per day makes life much easier and less stressful.

The nurse also said that the vaginal progesterone doesn't enter your bloodstream and that my levels could be higher "down there" but not detectable in my blood. I'm not sure what to make of that. I know the level is also up from last time.

In other news, I have had headaches the past two days. Nothing I do seems to help except exercise. I find that while I am exercising, this is the only time I don't really feel the headache. I have tried drinking lots of water, eating more snacks and more frequently, upping my protein, etc. but haven't tried Tylenol. I'm the type of person that tries to avoid medicine whenever possible. Most people seem to say that the Tylenol doesn't help. I also had some pretty bad heartburn today which was fun. I had a training meeting for work and was sitting there with a headache, heartburn, and feeling exhausted. Not the greatest since I wasn't even getting paid for it.

I went to the gym with my pregnant co-worker after the meeting and we walked on the track. It was nice to talk and get to know her more. I am making more of an effort to get to know her since our babies will be 4 months apart and she lives about 5 minutes down the road. The funny thing is she bought one of the houses we looked it. She is really nice and we share some kids that we work with in common. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and I would love to tell her, but we have decided not to tell anyone until we are at least 12 weeks along.

I have to make another appointment for the 18th for another ultrasound. I think the RE said at this point as long as everything looks good, he will send me on to a OB/GYN.

I went to David's Bridal to look at Matron of Honor dresses last night and I remember why I don't like that place. The woman who was helping me was helping about 3 other people, so wasn't much help. She also said I need to order my dress ASAP. How am I supposed to know what size I will be in July? When I told her I was pregnant but haven't told people yet, she didn't respond at all. I guess I was kinda expecting a "Congratulations." I think I will look elsewhere since my sister said I can pick my own dress.

Matron of Honor

My sister is getting married July 23rd of this year and I am the matron of honor in her wedding. Unfortunately my sister lives about 3 hours away and we don't see each other that often. She was my maid on honor in my wedding in October of 2009 and it was pretty obvious I would play that role in her wedding (I am really happy to be the one). The problem is, she went dress shopping with her friends a few weeks ago. Lately she has been pressuring me to go look at dresses and maybe even order one. I can't remember when they ordered the dresses for my wedding, but I know I still have some time.

The thing is, I'm not ready. I weigh a little more than I would like right now and am really hoping I will be pregnant for her July wedding. Her friends like a specific dress from David's Bridal but she also gave me the option of picking my own dress. The biggest issue is I WANT TO BE PREGNANT and don't want to buy a dress yet. There, that's my rant.

In other news I think the rash that developed on my hands was not a side effect of Lupron and was instead a side effect of too much hand sanitizer and really cold temperatures. My hands ended up cracking and becoming really dry. I talked with someone today who showed me her hands and they looked even worse that mine. I bought some Burt's Bees hand lotion and that seems to be helping.

We joined the gym for 2011 yesterday. I had been going for over 2 months on a free month membership, but finally got busted last week. We went the past two nights but had to leave earlier than we wanted to get home and do my shot. My body really seems to be adjusting to the Lupron and I am have far fewer side effects. I am still waiting on my period which seems to be allusive. The nurse at my RE's office said it should be about 10 days after starting Lupron. Tonight was our 9th shot, so tomorrow is the 10th day. Please come on out lady friend (wow, she's my friend now)!

I was really hoping originally that I would be starting stims this week, but I realize much of this is a waiting game and out of my control. I know once we start the stims it will all happen very quickly. I am able to talk with one of the mom's of the kids I work with since she also went through IVF. She said the most important thing is to reduce my stress and not let my mind play games with me. She said I should do whatever relaxes me. I love taking baths but know I will have to stop this soon. I have a great new book I have been reading and we have been going to bed much earlier. It is really relaxing to lie in bed next to my hubby and read a great book.

We had brunch with some friends on Sunday who have a 5 month old baby girl. The wife of the couple (C) was a classmate of my husband's and she got pregnant 2/3 of the way through school. When we got to know her better, she told me the baby wasn't planned. Their insurance had changed and they had been using the "pull and pray" method of birth control. C ended up taking this entire year off from school and will go back next summer to complete her final year of schooling. When we first got there they were running behind schedule. C still had her hair up in her towel and was chopping veggies. I immediately noticed a pregnancy test on the counter. Eventually her hubby took it off with a bunch of other stuff, but it was staring me in the face. It was hard to pretend like I didn't see it.

We ended up staying about 5 hours and the pregnancy test issue came up as C and I were talking in another room. I asked her if she is able to take birth control while nursing and she said she is on a progesterone only "light pill" but that it completely throws off her cycle. Her hubby made her take the test because she hadn't had her period, but she is not pregnant. I had a great time with their little girl and it was the first time we saw her that she didn't cry when I held her. She is starting to babble sounds and imitate a little bit and I got her laughing really hard. I had a great time playing with her. And then the question came up: When are you guys going to have kids? We have debated telling them about all of our issues, but the main reason we haven't is because they take their fertility for granted (I'm not positive of this but it's hard not to think it.) They got pregnant without even trying and here we are, dropping a ton of money for the chance to get pregnant.  We had a great time with them and are so glad to find other people who we have so much in common with (I think that is part of why they want us to have kids.) We are planning to go x-country skiing with them in two weeks and my hubby is planning to take the baby on him while skiing. He is very athletic and confident (especially when it comes to skiing), but I think he is crazy!