The Other Night I Saw a Medium

Last week a group of my friends all got together and had a medium come do a reading. This group of friends was actually my fertility buddies and we found out we all had this similar interest a few months prior when we saw the Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo. We had fun at this show, but none of us actually got a reading done. It was a huge theater and she came close to us but didn't really seem to connect anything. Regardless, we all had a great time.

When we talked about that showed after we all said it would be fun to do a smaller reading. One of my friends started doing research and we all decided on a date. I didn't think about it much going into it or really have any expectations. My grandmother passed away a few summers ago but she was 94 and I was able to say good-bye. The best thing to say was I wasn't exactly expecting to connect with anyone.

The reading was so fun and interesting. There were 9 of us there plus the medium. She was actually quite a bit younger than I expected, although I'm not really sure why. I'm not going to go into specific details about what she told other people because I can't really remember those details well enough to reproduce them. She did however come to me at some point as I connected to a date she stated. Without getting too specific, she kept mentioning butterflies and I couldn't really connect much to that. She was talking about my twins and butterflies and someone who wanted to say hi first to my sister and then me (my sister wasn't there). This person was also concerned about my sister financially. At the time I couldn't make any real connection to the butterflies or anything too specific. When I told my sister about it the next day she was also confused at first. Then she mentioned my mom's close friend Susie. Susie was our neighbor growing up and was present at my birth. My sister was in her wedding and then later rented her house. Susie pasted away two years ago from ovarian cancer. She was one is the nicest people I ever met. Just so incredibly kind. She was also super crafty. When my sister mentioned Susie, for some reason my mind immediately went to my baby shower and the card she made me. In that moment I knew I had to find that card. I went up to Lucy and Clara's room and quickly found the stack of cards in their dresser. I flipped through them and was amazed to find the card Susie made me. On the front were two butterflies and the word "Twins". 

The medium gave everyone she did a reading with a piece of paper with notes she took on it. She wrote the word butterflies twice on my paper, both on the front and back. She also drew a picture and next to it wrote, "gift that is given" and "art piece with the twins". 

When I messaged her daughter (who is a few years younger than me) she said her mom always loved butterflies and that she has butterflies all over her house to remember her. She said she still feels her mom's presence and often dreams about her. My sister had a very vivid dream about her a few months ago and said she woke up crying. In it Susie was sitting in her old house in a chair and had all of her hair (she lost it with chemo treatments) and was just beaming with a huge smile. She gave my sister a huge hug and that's when she woke up crying. My sister also moved out of her house without paying all of her rent. She's always struggling financially. 

I'm not trying to convince any one of anything, but what I can say is it was a really amazing experience. I also realized after while she was talking to me she said the name Robert about 3 times. I didn't make any connection at the time and someone said it was their cousin's middle name, but that wasn't the connection either. When I thought about it the next day I remembered my step-father's dad was Bob, or Robert. I didn't think about him because we always just called him Bob. I wonder now if maybe that was him. 

I just wanted to share this awesome experience and document it so I can look back on it someday. If anyone was ever considering seeing a medium, I can say from my two experiences that they definitely reported things that a stranger couldn't possibly know. They made some amazing connections and I truly enjoyed it. 

Lucy and Clara's Third Birthday Party

Last weekend we celebrated Lucy and Clara's THIRD(!!) birthday with an ice cream themed party. My sister came out for the weekend to help and everything was a huge success. For their actual birthday we mostly just hung out at home with my sister as there was a stair project going on with our front porch. We walked to the playground and played for a while before we headed to the State Fair for dinner. It was a nice relaxing day.

The party wasn't until 3:00 on Sunday so that gave us lots of time to set up and get ready. I made a bunch of large ice cream cones out of chinese lanterns, tissue paper, and card stock. I also made a fabric banner from strips of different colored fabrics including one with ice cream cones. I made ice cream garlands, ice cream cone cake pops, and ice cream shaped sidewalk chalk as favors. We served meatballs, a tomato and cucumber salad, fruit salad, corn, macaroni and cheese. For dessert we hired an ice cream truck that serves soft serve ice cream to drive right into our back yard. It was so much fun and such a big hit! We also had cake which surprisingly still got eaten. It was so much fun to celebrate my girls with such a fun party and the weather was beautiful!

Dining room all decorated

A friend lent us this super fun pop up ice cream tent. It was SO cute!!

Enjoying some soft serve with sprinkles

Decor

Nutter Butter cookies dipped in chocolate to look like ice cream cones. These were SO yummy!

Homemade sidewalk chalk for favors

Cousin Benny

Clara

Sitting on the ice cream truck

SO yummy!

Cutie

Ice cream truck in our backyard

Good thing for dishes for ice cream cones

Cake time!

My little loves

Such cuties!

Family photo

Me and my girls

34 Months (I totally had to do the math to figure that one out)

Clara:

Still loves monkeys and now Paw Patrol 

Has 4 comfort items she sleeps with (lovey, kitty, big lovey, and purple tissue)

Daddy's girl

Language has finally taken off-still difficult to understand at times

Much less frustrated and "emotionally unstable" 

Physical therapy seems to be helping with balance, strength, and endurance 

Such a big hearted girl, always thinking of her sister and wanting to help

Loves "cooking" dinner with daddy and has amazing food identification skills

Doesn't like to have her hair done other than "curls" 

Still loves the color purple

Lucy:

Never stops talking

Loves princess stuff, especially Little Mermaid and Frozen 

Not napping consistently but stays in her crib for "quiet time"

Loves her baby Stella and is such a great helper with her

Will go, go go when it comes to anything athletic and/or outdoors

Still loves playing with her baby dolls

Has a special headband she wears all the time and loves accessories  

Want to get her hair done in pigtails all the time

Loves the color teal and sometimes still pink 

Helps mommy exercise and is always asking to do it

I'm loving spending every day with them and watching them change and grow. They have such a close bond and really love each other so much. There is so much giggling all the time in our house and van. They are so lucky to have a build in best friend. 

I seriously can't believe their third birthday is coming up! I'm in the beginning stages of planning an ice cream sundae party for them. 

My Sister

My sister and I have been really close for quite some time. A few weeks/months (not sure) I wrote about her and how she wanted to leave her husband. When she made that decision, I was one of the first people she told. We talked about it all often, and I felt in the loop. She even would send me things about how sisters stick together as we talked about getting tattoos together. 

Flash forward to now. Almost 2 weeks ago my sister came for an overnight with her son. I had no idea how bad she was until I saw her. She's lost a ton of weight and was a shell of her old self. She barely paid any attention to her son or me. I didn't see her smile or laugh once, even at her son. This was the first time she had come to visit in at least 6 months. She spent a majority of the time sitting in her car smoking cigarettes alone. When I asked if she wanted to do anything, she had a headache. To say it was a tough visit is an understatement. I felt horrible for her and the way she was doing, but also horrible for her son she basically ignored the entire time she was here, throwing crap food in his direction if he asked. I barely felt like she spent time together because she was on her phone or smoking in her car so much. It was not the visit I had looked forward to, it was an escape for her. 

I'm really not trying to make this all about me because I know she's going through a lot personally. She's obviously super depressed and likely needs medication. I know she mentioned it initially, but as far as I know hasn't done anything about it. She's confused as she has absolutely no idea what's she doing or what she wants. Even though she moved out she's still spending a lot of time with Dave. She's going to his house every night and morning to put Benny down and be there when he gets up.

Initially she told me there wasn't anyone else despite what everyone was saying. She was adamant there was no one, just a friend from high school she was talking to as he was going through a breakup too. 

The thing is, I don't trust her anymore. As more time goes by, it's obvious she's talking to that guy. When she came out she was showing me his picture and when I commented that he was a little overweight she was like,"That's fine."  She talked about how she found some building she wanted to turn into a hair salon and he wanted to help her and back her financially. How are you not talking with/dating that person when you say things like that?

We haven't talked basically since she came to visit (almost 2 weeks ago) and that's highly uncommon. We seriously used to talk almost every day. She always called me on her drives home from work. I've called and texted and basically gotten zero reply. 

It's hard not to feel let down by my whole family. When my parents used to disappoint (which unfortunately is a pretty regular occurrence for one reason or another), my sister and I always had each other to lean on. Our last trip to Albany resulted in some serious conflict with my dad and step mom. You know, that time we drove our 3 kids 3 hours out to my step-sisters baby shower and got a hotel only to find out my kids weren't invited. My mom is spotty at best, coming and going depending on her mood. She's been "bad" since she returned from Florida in May so I haven't seen her much. I guess it feels like my family was held together by my friendship and relationship with my sister and now that's falling apart too.  

 Lately it feels like I've lost my best friend. 

Friendships

Quite a few months ago I posted about a group of moms that I got together with regularly for play dates with our kids. I loved seeing those friends and getting together so frequently. It made our weeks pass by more quickly and I looked forward to our time spent together. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

About a month and a half ago one of the mommies from our group moved away. Like, 16 hours far away. We were super sad to see her go with her adorable and fun little girls, but that was the plan for their family when they moved to this area two years prior. We all still have a group text going, but the play dates have been much less frequent. In fact, the other mamas and I haven't all gotten together since. 

I've tried quite a few times to suggest times or ask if people were free to all get together, but have been unsuccessful. Here's the thing about friendships for me; I don't like to be the one doing all the work. I think a friendship should be mutual with each person keeping up their end. I know there are times when this isn't possible and close friendships allow for that, but this doesn't feel like one of those times. Generally, when I feel like the one doing more work (or all of the work in a friendship), I'm quick to retreat or give up. 

My best childhood friend and I finally fell out of contact after years of me feeling like I was holding up the friendship alone. We are still Facebook friends and try to see each other at least once a year, but it makes me sad to think of how things once were. 

Maybe I'm too quick to give up and should try harder, but I don't know. My husband is one of the worst people about keeping in contact and maintaining friendships. When we first got together I was definitely the one doing most of the work. Luckily that balance has shifted and things are much more equal now. As for friendships outside of our marriage, nothing there has changed much for him. 

Most of my friends in high school or college were guys. I've always gotten along with them better and found friendships to be simpler. At this point in my life, as a stay at home mom, I'm not likely to be making many guy friends, nor do I really want to. 

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm ready to give up on these play dates, and perhaps even one of these friendships. One of the friends and I are still getting together and I think we'll continue to stay in touch. As for the other, I guess only time will tell. I know I'm getting tired of feeling like the one that's trying harder. 

Am I the only one that's quick to give up when feeling like I'm the only one trying?

"Quincy"

My husband is the 4th generation W in his family. W and his father go by different, yet similar names. When I got pregnant with the girls we discussed using his name and having a 5th W. To be honest, I'm not wild about the name. I consider it an "old man" name and don't know many people even the same age as W that share the name. It's typically a name seen on the charts in nursing homes. 

In the end, we had two girls so didn't need to worry about using the name. 

This time around, I guess we'll see whether we feel pressured to use it or not. In the past his mother had suggested using the name and then calling the child something completely different. I don't really understand doing that, but my friend Natasha (click on her name for the link to her blog) was quick to help come up with nicknames for the 5th generation.  

One of those nicknames was Quincy. And it's stuck. I'm not saying the W name stands much of a chance this time around either, but I like the nickname Quincy. We had talked about using W as a middle name possibly, but we're really not ready to talk names yet. 

So, for the foreseeable future, baby #3 will be referred to as Quincy. 

Updates

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Due to having shared my blog with friends and family, I've been hesitant to share what's been going on. But, I've decided I need to get this off my chest. 

I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on January 7th. They did an ultrasound and there was a large cyst on my left ovary (the ovary without a tube). Having had a positive ovulation test the week prior I assumed it was a corpus luteum cyst from ovulation. The ultrasound technician said it was hard to tell what kind of cyst she was looking at, but if I thought I had ovulated it was possible it was a corpus luteum cyst. I talked with my dr after the ultrasound. I was meeting with him because my cycle the prior month had been 62 days and I felt like a hormonal nightmare. He said he didn't feel like I needed to do anything specific, but he was happy to offer progesterone to help regulate my cycles. I told him that I had started taking Pregnitude (a myo-inositol and folic acid supplement) I had leftover from my IVF cycle with Lucy and Clara and felt like it was really helping with my moods and to shorten my cycles. 

I left the appointment feeling positive. I was feeling like my moods were better, my cycles were shortening, and I was tuned in enough to my body to have an idea of what was going on. Based on my ovulation test and ultrasound it seemed I ovulated the week prior on CD 16. That was way better than the prior month. Maybe the myo-inositol was helping. 

The next day I started to feel like taking another ovulation test was worth taking. Having been clued into my body and how I was feeling, I thought I was showing signs of ovulation. Within a minute of taking the test I had a super dark and obvious positive test. Compared to the week prior, it was a much more convincingly positive test. At one point I debated calling my drs office to find out the size of the cyst on the ultrasound. It made me wonder whether it was actually a follicle rather than a post ovulatory cyst. I never did call. 

At that point I started to feel frustrated and like I had no idea what was going on. Just the day before I had my appointment and left feeling so positive. I was frustrated my cycle was going to be longer, and who knew how many times I'd get positive ovulation tests that month. I had read that using ovulation tests with PCOS can yield inaccurate results. Was this going to happen every week? Were my cycles going to continue to be 50-60 days?

11 days later after my second round of positive ovulation tests (on January 20th) I wrote this post: 

Yesterday morning after putting the girls down I started to get myself ready since we had a play date scheduled with some friends. On a whim I took a cheapy pregnancy test. Prior to hopping in the shower I peeked at it and swore I saw a shadow of a second line.

While in the shower I talked myself down. There was no way. I knew I ovulated from the ovary without a tube. 

When I got out I took another look. There was definitely a shadow of a second line. So, like any sane person would do, I used two more tests. Both also showed a super faint second line. It was at that point that I started shaking and didn't stop for at least an hour. 

The first thing I did was to email Dr. Braverman. He said to get an HCG test done ASAP so I called my ob. They were happy to call a script in to my local hospital. 

The girls woke up and we went to our play date. It was nice to have a bit of a distraction from my racing mind. From her house I dropped the girls at home with my mom and went to the dentist. Luckily the dentist didn't take long and I was able to head over for blood work after without having to tell my mom. 

On the way home I stopped at he pharmacy to pick up my metformin and purchased some FRER pregnancy tests. I came home and took one only to see 2 lines again. 

I didn't want to tell W over the phone or text so I waited until he got home. As he was feeding the girls their afternoon snack I set up my camera and took a video while I handed him the tests. His face was absolute shock and confusion at first that quickly turned into happiness and excitement. 

I had to laugh that these were the shirts I picked out for Clara and Lucy that morning. 

Two days later I wrote this:

As I said, the first person I contacted when I discovered on Monday I was pregnant was Dr. B. He advised me to get a beta ASAP and I did that afternoon.

I called my ob's office to get the results on Tuesday. My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 14. I had taken another FRER test that morning and the line was darker than the previous afternoon. With the positive result, my ob's office wanted me to repeat the test on Wednesday. 

I emailed Dr. B Tuesday afternoon with the results and he advised I call the office and register with their pregnancy management. I called that afternoon and talked with the receptionist. Despite telling me she'd email me the packet of info, she didn't that afternoon.

I didn't sleep well all night and finally emailed Dr. B early Wednesday morning saying I'd called but hadn't gotten the information. He replied quickly and I heard from the office shortly after. They sent me the packet of info I needed to fill out and fax or email back ASAP. 

After our Music Together class this morning (Wednesday) I headed for another blood test. From there I went somewhere to fax the paperwork. 

I got my protocol Wednesday afternoon and medications are being ordered. I will be on Lovenox, baby aspirin, neupogen, metformin, and calcium. 

I'm feeling so anxious and scared. I said it's impossible to embrace this pregnancy without getting excited and I'm too scared something will go wrong to get excited. 

Things moved quickly to get medications ordered. My second beta was 73. This was a doubling time of 25 hours. I found out my insurance needed to pre-approve the neupogen so we paid for the first vial OOP at $360 so I could get started ASAP.

A few days later I called the insurance company to find out an update on the medication. I was told it was denied because I didn't have any of the specified conditions listed for the medication. They told me I could appeal if I wanted. 

We've been forced to pay for this medication OOP. One vial lasts about three and a half days. To say I'm stressed about the price is an understatement. I'm not sure whether it's worth it to appeal to the insurance company as I've been through the process before without success. This expense is really unexpected for us.  

Things have been stressful. I've been so scared and anxious. I've had three early miscarriages. I need certain medications to sustain a pregnancy and I wasn't on them initially. We want to get excited about this amazing news, but we still are having a hard time. 

Starting the neupogen meant stopping breastfeeding. I wasn't planning to stop as suddenly, but was in the process of gradually weaning the girls. I wanted it to be more on their terms, but I stopped because it wasn't safe to continue. That's been another tough thing I've been dealing with emotionally. 

We've also found out that two sets of good friends will be moving in the next few months. 

I guess you could say we were trying to get pregnant... sort of.  We really didn't think it would happen, but said we'd be thrilled if it did. I knew my cycles were long and things weren't looking too good for it happening without assistance. We had talked about going back to Dr. B in the fall around the time the girls turned two.  

I finally scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. B for next Monday, February 9th. Based on my timing, I will be 6w3d. I was so scared to schedule anything. I'm still terrified to go all that way and receive anything but positive news. 

I've been in the early stages of pregnancy unsuccessfully more times than successfully. Twice I felt so positive and optimistic between my positive betas and ultrasounds only to get devastating news at an ultrasound appointment. I can't let myself feel that disappointment again. 

That's the hard part about all of this. I so badly wanted to be able to experience pregnancy like a normal fertile person. I'm quickly realizing that will never be the case. Someone who hasn't experienced loss can't understand the fear of it happening again. Immediately I also had to start injecting myself with medications three times a day. 

So, if you know me IRL and I haven't shared this news with you it's likely because I'm just not ready. It's nothing personal, it's just something I'm not really sharing with many people at this time. I'm hoping things will continue to progress, but I'm glad to have written it all down. I'm feeling ready to reclaim my blog as my space to voice it all. 

    

Mistake?

I can't help but feel like sharing my blog with people I know IRL was a mistake. In the past, knowing that I didn't actually know anyone that was reading made it easier. That's not to say I haven't connected with other bloggers, but it's just saying that I didn't have to worry that something I wrote would be brought up in conversation or something. I could be completely honest without worrying about what other people thought. 

This past fall I started sharing my blog with friends. I felt much more open about everything we'd been through so didn't worry about sharing our story. I also knew most people weren't likely to dig back through all the stuff from the past (~450 posts) to find those super raw or truthful posts from our darkest moments. Either way, since it was all in the past and behind me it didn't matter as much. 

The thing is, it's changed the way I'm writing and now I'm debating switching to Wordpress or making my blog private. I have some things going on in my life right now that I'd really like to write about to get off my chest, but don't feel comfortable doing so. In fact, I have a few posts that are sitting in draft mode because of this. Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice? I don't really want to switch from this space because I've been writing here for so long. I'm just torn on what to do and where to go from here. I want to go back to writing in a completely honest fashion because I'm honestly really struggling and miss the support I received from people who had been through similar things. I could certainly use it right now!

DIY Christmas

Since I'm home this year I decided I was going to try to make as many of my presents as possible. 

On Thursday night we had our girls night out and exchanged gifts. Katie was unable to make it as Jack wasn't feeling well, so I still have her present to give her.

My friend Stacy is a photographer. She took our family photos this fall and did an amazing job. So, I looked on Pinterest and found a camera ornament made out of felt. Challenge accepted. It came out so cute and I honestly had a hard time giving it away after trying it out on our tree for a bit. The white sparkly buttons are extras from my wedding dress. I also bought her a travel mug that looks like a camera lens but had Katie use her Anazon Prime so it would arrive on time, only for Katie to be sick. Oh well. 

For my Friend Natasha I wanted to do something Georgia themed since that's where she's from and where her parents still live. I also found this idea on pinterest. I printed a map of Georgia and hammered in nails all along the perimeter. Then I found what part of Georgia she was from and hammered nails into the shape of a heart in that part of the state. Then I wrapped and strung string from one nail to the next until it was complete. It was pretty frustrating as the nails kept falling out, but all in all I like the way it came out. 

For my friend Katie I wanted to do something with pictures because I know she loves pictures. I found this easy idea and improvised using super glue as it's all we had on hand. I also bought her a bottle of wine. 

We also had a Christmas themed play date with the babies a week ago and exchanged gifts for them. I made them a crayon holder each and they came out super cute. 

Here are the links to the project ideas:

Crayon holder: http://skiptomylou.wordpress.com/2007/04/25/on-a-roll/

Photo magnets: http://forums.thebump.com/discussion/7620931/easy-cheap-diy-grandparent-gift-idea-pip

Georgia string art: http://theharpsterhome.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/heart-in-ohio/

Camera ornament: http://kristensbloglife.blogspot.com/2009/11/handmade-christmas-for-photographer-on.html?m=1

I have more gifts in the works for family and will share them at another time. 

Thankful

This year we traveled to my sister's house in Albany for Thanksgiving. W had to work on Friday but was able to get finished fairly early on Wednesday so we could get on the road. Unfortunately, they were expecting a snow storm so our last hour (at least) of the drive was quite slow going. The girl were so great in the car and that helped a lot.

Traveling isn't quite what it used to be. We now have to pack for 4 people rather than 2. We need to find someone to watch and feed the pets. Remembering to bring everything important is always exciting too.  

Then there's staying at my sister's house. My sister tries, but she really is a bit of a slob. She has 3 cats (one of which peed on our suitcase), a dog, and a toddler. The room they give us to sleep in is an open loft. There's no door. And, the living room is directly below. My BiL loves his TV and video games so they're always on and loud. I love spending time with my sister, but it's stressful at her house. 

Also, my BiL's aunt passed away on Monday afternoon. Because they are Jewish, they bury their dead in a certain timeframe. This meant my sister and BiL had to attend a funeral Thanksgiving day. My dad came over early to start cooking and we went for a walk to visit my childhood friend.

My sister lives in the same neighborhood that we grew up in. From her driveway you can look down at the house that we grew up in. It's also where my sister was born. So, visiting K means I can visit our old neighbors. My best childhood friend was my next door neighbor. She now lives in NYC, but on Thursday morning W and I went down to her parent's house for a visit. It was so nice to see her and her family, and she got to meet Lucy and Clara for the first time. I really enjoyed visiting with her and miss her like crazy. Over time we've fallen out of touch some, but we are Facebook friends so stay somewhat connected that way. 

When we returned to K's house W and I put the girls down for their nap. Then I logged onto my blog and read my Thanksgiving posts for the past few years. Last year's post had me seriously tearing up. 

It's amazing everything we went through. Some days I'm amazed I kept going and pushed through all of the sadness and hurt. I had no idea how strong I was at the time, but looking back it's amazing. 

Some days it's easy to lose track of all the things to be thankful for in life. There are days that the stress of caring for twins and the house builds up. W and I aren't always wonderful to each other, but we're working on it. Life is definitely different, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I'm so thankful and grateful for my husband and partner in life. He leaves every day and works so hard for our family. He loves his girls and tells me how much he misses them on Monday when he has to go back to work. He listens to me and gives me breaks when needed and I can always count on him to laugh at my jokes. On the weekends he picks up the slack with the girls and does most of the care for them, giving me a much needed break. He sings to them, dances with them, and snuggles with them in bed. Recently we've been working hard on our relationship. It's crazy that something that was so easy and important in the past has taken a bit of a back seat. Now, we realize we need to work on our marriage and make time to make it a priority, something that isn't always easy when raising twins. 

I'm so thankful for my children. They made me a mama and have taught me so much about myself, love, and patience the past 14 months. Their little faces light up any room and bring smiles everywhere we go. The love they have for each other is amazing and so fun to watch as well. 

I'm thankful for my supportive family. My mom who lives a few minutes up the road and often watches the girls. How they love her so much and crawl full speed to the door when they see her. My in-laws who are always so helpful and supportive. My FiL who will drop anything to help us at any given moment. My sister who I love but wish lived closer. My nephew who loves his babies (Lucy and Clara) and asks about them constantly. 

My pets who continue to love me and stay loyal despite my lack of attention for them.

Our beautiful house that is so full with bodies and love. The large yard we have for our dogs to roam and for our girls to play in. 

My job that allows me to work just a little in order to stay involved and contribute to our "vacation fund". The chance it gives me to get out some and help others. 

There's so much to be thankful and grateful for and I know I just scratched the surface.  

This was Lucy and Clara's second Thanksgiving. As I watched their big cousin Benny show off for them, help them walk by holding their hands, and give them eskimo kisses and hugs I knew every year will just get better. These cousins will grow up together and cause lots of trouble together. The love I have for my family will expand and grow as my children do. I'm just so thankful to be able to live this life!

Friends

One of the hardest parts of being a stay at home mom is the social aspect. It's easy to feel lonely at home all the time. As a result, I try hard to get out of the house most days to do something. I've worked hard at finding friends to have play dates with.

I'm lucky that I have a great group of friends. My little group consists of my friend Natasha and her twin girls that are two weeks older (and twice the size) of Lucy and Clara. Stacy has twin boys that are almost 2 months older than my girls, and Katie has a son (who was a twin until 27 weeks) that is 8 weeks younger. All of us primarily stay home with our babies. Stacy is a photographer and shoots about 15-20 weddings a year as well as family photos. She took our photos this fall. 

I met Natasha and Stacy through the local Multiple Moms Mingle group. Natasha and I had due dates that were only a few days apart. I met Katie at prenatal yoga and we bonded over the fact that we were both pregnant with twins. Katie's pregnancy was complicated by placenta Previa and IUGR. 

The four of us (and our 7 babies) try to get together regularly. Our babies are all very close in age, play well together, and we generally have similar parenting ideas and styles (thus far at least). We always have a group text going with discussions, advice, questions, recipes, etc. The best part? We all went through infertility so totally "get it". A few months ago we started a girls night out where we go out for drinks and dinner once a month. 

We recently celebrated "friendsgiving". Here's a group shot. 

That's not to say I don't still try to branch out and meet other mommies. Recently I had exchanged quite a few messages with a girl from high school. She has a son that is 3 days older than Lucy and Clara. We planned a play date at the museum of play for last week. 

We had a really fun day. Her son was adorable and about twice the size of the girls (hmm...seems to be a recurring theme). Our conversations were quite the reminder why I love my usual mommy friends. In all fairness, she doesn't know our history and what she said came from a place of blissful ignorance. 

As we were walking she told me she was pregnant. Only about 5 weeks and she hadn't been to the dr yet. She told me she was worried she wouldn't be able to love another child as much as her son. When I asked if they were trying she said they had been. She was disappointed they hadn't gotten pregnant in August because her hubby was a teacher and that would be "perfect" timing. Instead, it took her 2 months to get pregnant. 

In my book, the fertile teachers are the worst kind. They plan their pregnancies so perfectly that no only is there perfect spacing between their children, but they are also born at the end of the school year. This allows them to take the remainder of the school year and summer off. 

I sat in so many meetings in the spring time with those pregnant teachers when we were going through fertility treatments. It was hard because there was always down time and chit-chat about their pregnancies. Their huge pregnant bellies would be an easy topic of conversation. 

I wasn't jealous of this friends pregnancy. I'm not really ready for another baby just yet. I'm just jealous of her blissful ignorance. Her ability to time things and then get pregnant so easily. 

The thing about infertility is, I don't think it ever leaves you. It continues to affect how you respond and feel about pregnancies even once you've gotten to experience it for yourself, and it even has the ability to shape your friendships. I'm so grateful to have been able to meet such a great group of women to raise my girls alongside. 

11 Months Old

The girls turned 11 months old on the day I turned 31. We celebrated by attending a picnic for families with multiples. We had such a great day. Every other month if I didn't take monthly pictures or write my post on the exact day it wasn't a big deal. Well, Lucy broke her leg the following morning. So, despite her not actually being in a cast on her 11 month birthday the pictures will have it in them. Also, life has been turned totally upside down. It's as if Lucy was turned back into an infant overnight. She lost all independence she had gained so it makes it hard to write about how she was before. I will do my best to remember because I know I will regret if I miss a month of these updates.

Celebrating my 31st birthday with my girls

Play date with friends

Mmmm...blueberry muffins!

Good morning mama!

First morning in Maine

Hanging on the porch in Maine

Out for a morning walk

First lobster dinner

Trying out our new twin pool float

Such cuties

Checking out the elephant at the zoo

Playing with baby Everett. We're big girls now!

Rocking on our elephant

Big girls sitting in chairs

Tandem nursing in the backseat of the car in party dresses

Pool party with Jack

Lavender Festival

This month we took a vacation to Maine. We swam in the freezing Atlantic Ocean, tried out our new twin pool float, ate lobster for the first time, and tried ice cream. We attended a lavender festival, got together with lots of friends for play dates, attended two first birthday parties, learned how to crawl backwards and pivot while sitting, visited the zoo, learned "if you're happy and you know it", and met our friends new baby and suddenly became the big kids. You visited New Jersey and met some family and then briefly also visited the states of Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts. You also met your great grandma Karolyn in Maine. 

Lucy- you're so little yet so, so strong. You love standing up and will do it for long stretches. Your sleeping took another turn for the worse this month as mommy and daddy went to a concert and left you with grandma. I guess you woke up and cried for about a half hour that night and then for about 10 days after you were up like a newborn again. You needed the reassurance that mama was there, and boy was it exhausting. You even went through a phase where you wouldn't let daddy comfort you at night. By the end of the month, gratefully, things had definitely improved. You still love sleeping in our bed and cuddling with mama, but we're trying to get you back in your crib ASAP after night time feedings. You really took off with your sign language this month. You started with "please" when we introduced you to lobster. My eyes teared up with pride as you signed please and then devoured your lobster. As you will find out, lobster is your mama's favorite food. You wave consistently and are showing me you understand more words. You also love dancing to music. You love peek a boo and think putting your hands on your head counts as playing. Any time I pulled out my camera this month your hands went straight to your head. You love your doggy pepper and think it's great if he lets you pet him. You are so smart, cute, and wonderful and I love you so much.

Ride em cowboy

Look out, I'm driving!

Snoozing with daddy

Clara- This month you got your first tooth and your mama was so excited! It was right after our vacation which helped explained some of your unhappiness at times. You are moving and changing positions like crazy. You pull to stand independently and also crawl backwards only. You get so frustrated when we try to get you to work on crawling. You love splashing in the tub or pools and can get crazy sometimes with it. You wave consistently and are just starting to dance to music. You haven't really started using any sign language but we're working on it with you. You are still such a great sleeper. Your pack and play kept getting slanted on vacation, but that didn't seem to bother you. You've decided you need to voice your unhappiness whenever you don't think things are equal. If your sis gets something you're not shy about demanding equality. You started making a squinty nosed smile for pictures this month and thought you were hilarious. At the beach or in the sun you refuse to keep your hats on. You continue to be a great eater and love trying new things. You don't always like them, but I'm glad you're willing to try. You are such a strong and beautiful little girl miss Clara.

Trying out baby Everett's quilt that mama made

squinty nosed smile

Nursing with a view