A New Job

I've been working a little bit here and there as a speech pathologist since my girls were born. I do early intervention evaluations and generally do about 3-4 per month. It's a nice way to keep my foot in the door without having to commit to too much at once. 

I love being home with my girls and am so grateful I don't have to work full time. A few months ago I picked up one early intervention kiddo for feeding therapy. We've been making slow progress and I see him once a week. 

In December I noticed one of the local hospitals placed an ad for a per diem weekend speech language pathologist position. The ad was for someone to work one weekend a month. I applied because I figured it couldn't hurt. Childcare wouldn't be an issue either since W is home on weekends. 

I interviewed right before Christmas. I have zero hospital experience professionally or from graduate school and was unsure how the interview went. I interviewed with two people and one was very nice and friendly and seemed to like me while the other wasn't impressed by my lack of experience in hospitals. While in graduate school I was so convinced I only wanted to work with kids so didn't get as broad of an experience as I could have. 

Well, I was offered the job and quickly accepted. I figured it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. W could be with the girls on the weekends I worked and it might provide some nice "empathy training" for him as I called it.

I'm in the process of training/orienting now. The computer system is overwhelming as is the documentation. Let's not even mention the nature of the job. This hospital is a level 1 trauma center. They have a new and big head and neck cancer center. I'm not used to seeing people that are that sick for therapy. It's intense to say the least!

I've worked one weekend so far and am excited. Some moments I feel totally in over my head, but then I realize I still want to learn new skills and information. I'm not happy to continue to do the same thing forever as I still have a strong desire to learn. It means really going outside of my comfort zone to expand my knowledge and skills. While that is scary, it's also pretty exciting. 

Most of the job is doing bedside swallow evaluations. It's mainly determining the safest consistencies of food and drink for people who have been hospitalized for one reason or another (stroke, pneumonia, cancer, surgery, trauma, etc). I know I can do it and learn it, it will just take time. I'm excited to learn more and get a whole new level of experience. I work this weekend so am looking forward to being scared shitless again. Haha

Transitions

It's safe to say my family has gone through a huge transition with the birth of Stella. L & C had only ever spent 3 nights total away from us when they went to stay with my in laws while we were in the hospital. Bringing Stella home is one of the biggest changes we've all gone through. 

Our first few days home as a family of five were challenging to say the least. I think having a c section and being unprepared didn't help. I went from doing almost everything for the girls to being unable to do a lot of simple things. I couldn't lift them, change diapers very easily, help bathe them, or carry them. It was tough for everyone. Top that with post-partum hormones and feeling guilty for turning their lives upside down and it's safe to say there were a lot of tears from everyone. Clara in particular had a really tough first few days. There were a lot of tantrums, time outs, and tears.

W and I are trying to be as consistent as possible with the girls. Now that I'm feeling better and more able to help, they are doing much better. They really do love their baby sister and I often find them bringing her blankets, pacifiers, toys, and giving her kisses and fist bumps. They talk about her all the time and ask about her if they don't immediately see her. They also seem to have a lot more patience for her crying (especially in the car) than I do. When I put her in the car seat they'll come over and say "baby happy" in hopes that she doesn't scream her head off like usual.  

It seems at this point a lot of the issues we're seeing with the girls are just typical two year old things. They fight over things like good sisters and don't have enough language to fully communicate their wants and needs, especially when they get emotional. Sometimes I think life would be easier if we waited a little longer to have another baby, but I'm also excited for my girls to grow up together. I know before long the girls won't even remember a time without Stella in our family. The thing about infertility is you don't really get to plan your family and time things "perfectly". 

Tomorrow W goes back to work and I take back over. I have help lined up a few days a week (my FiL is taking the girls to gymnastics every wednesday and my MiL has agreed to help Tuesdays). My mom has also said she'd help but it really depends so much on her mood how much she's able to do. I'm super nervous about having to care for all three girls mostly alone, but I'm also somewhat looking forward it. Having him home has been amazing and great, but in some ways it makes life more difficult. Getting out the door always seems to take longer with him and I don't feel like he's as firm with the girls. I've noticed a lot more negotiating and whining/crying since he's been home. 

Wish me luck (and a TON of patience) tomorrow as I take over with my three amazing little girls. I can do this!

We Made It

Well, it wasn't the fastest week ever, that's for sure. My days ended up being about 11 hours and I'd be fast asleep on the couch early every night. The first few nights the girls were okay, but by the end of the week they were miserable and super bratty during my time with them. A few nights I questioned why I didn't get a hotel to myself rather than come home to whiney cranky kids. 

The reason though was because I missed them like crazy!! Even if they weren't super pleasant to be around, there was no way I was leaving them that long. 

I took my test on Friday afternoon. The multiple choice portion was pretty straightforward and easy, but the movie portion with the latch evaluation was trickier. I really hope I do pass it all. 

I was so grateful to come home on Friday afternoon to my family and know I didn't have to leave again the next morning. The girls were so happy to have both of their parents home all day. 

As wonderful as it is to have free childcare with grandparents, it's crazy how much they can change their behavior in one short week. Hopefully we'll fall back into our old routines and behaviors quickly. Everyone having a cold certainly didn't help. 

A Long Week Ahead

This week I'm taking a course to become a CLC or Certified Lactation Counselor. I knew I wanted to pursue becoming a lactation consultant but then was also faced with needing 30 hours of continuing eduction for my speech pathologist state license. In the best interest of time and money I signed up for this course. I lined up childcare with the grandparents, and have been commuting an hour and 15 minutes each way. 

The course is Monday-Friday from 8:15-4:30. To say I'm not used to being in a classroom for 8 hrs a day is an understatement. It's also an understatement to say I miss my girls! 

Hopefully the week will fly by and the girls will have a great time with their grandparents. 

As someone who loves learning , I have to say I'm really enjoying it so far. Crazy to remember all of the obstacles we overcame in order to establish and succeed at breastfeeding. I only hope I can help other moms in the future. 

Repetition and Speech

Being a speech language pathologist working with pediatrics I'm always very aware of milestones and typical development. We started doing sign language with the girls around 6 months and have slowly added more and more signs.

At this point Clara will say two words: "yum-yum" and "hot". Lucy has somewhere between five and ten words she uses consistently. They both use about 10 signs as well. 

I used to give parents strategies to help enhance and improve their child's speech and language. I knew repetition was important and a great strategy, but I've found a new way of implementing it that really seems to help Lucy and Clara try to imitate words. It certainly makes them more willing to try. 

The girls are at the age where they know what it means when you ask them "can you say...". It's hit or miss whether they'll try. Recently I've found that if I repeat the word I'm trying to get them to say (e.g., hot-hot-hot, up-up-up, etc) they're much more likely to try. 

It makes sense if you think about it. When learning a new motor task (speech is a motor task) it takes practice. We aren't exact or precise and getting a little more leeway is expected. The best anology I could think of was coloring. You don't expect a child new to coloring to stay in the lines. Heck, it's good if they can stay just on the paper. As they become better at it you expect more precision. 

The same applies to speech. Expecting a new talker to be able to plan, isolate, and execute something like the word "up" is like trying to get them to color in the lines the first time they do it. Giving them the repetition of the word a few times makes it easier to produce. When babies first start to babble everything is a long string of syllables. They don't just say "ma" they say "mamamamama". 

The more the girls practice words the better they get at them. This new repetition trick seems to be getting them imitating much more frequently. I thought I'd pass this tip along to anyone reading hoping it may work for someone else too. My friend Katie said it was working well for her 14 month old. 

Roadblock

I recently write about how I want to pursue my IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). Well, I got the really great IBCLC to agree to take me on and supervise me. I thought that was going to be the difficult part. 

Well, not so much. I've encountered a problem with the hospital approving it. Explaining all of the details would be boring, but basically the hospital and NICU currently have a staffing issue. They are currently looking to hire an IBCLC part time to fill the days that Char isn't there and they currently don't have anyone fully qualified to do it. The hospital told me they want to make the certification available to current staff first. 

Hopefully once they solve this issue I'll be cleared to start. I'm really disappointed but am staying hopeful it will work out. 

Me, Professionally

I always wanted to be a mom, I knew that. I also knew I wanted to work with children. The younger the better. My father is a special education administrator and my mother is a special education teacher who also has her bachelors in speech therapy. As a child my mother worked part time as a speech therapist at the end of the day after her full time job. I enjoyed going on therapy sessions with her as I loved the kids and thought it was really fun.

When it came to going to college I knew I wanted to work with children. I thought I wanted to study general education but with some guidance from my parents I decided to pursue speech therapy. They convinced me that it was easier to work 1:1 versus as a classroom teacher. I received my undergraduate degree in 2005 in Communication Disorders. This meant I could get a speech therapist job (generally in a school) go on to become either a speech language pathologist or an audiologist. I thought I wanted to work in audiology. I was so interested in cochlear implants but quickly realized most of audiology is testing hearing and dispensing hearing aids. That didn't sound very interesting to me.

Right after I graduated (I graduated a semester early in December) we moved out to Jackson Hole Wyoming for the winter. I became a ski bum and absolutely loved it. I worked for the ski resort and skied over 100 days that winter. It was amazing. Then the summer came. We quickly realized when you aren't skiing, you're just a bum. So, we moved back to NY. W decided that summer he wanted to be a physical therapist and signed up for prerequisite classes for the fall. I decided to try to get a job with my bachelor's degree. I landed a daycare job. It lasted about 10 days and I realized I needed to get my master's degree. I quit my daycare job and applied to graduate school.

I graduated with my master's degree in speech language pathology from Ithaca College in the spring of 2009. Prior to graduation I had a job lined up with a company working with early intervention and preschool aged children.

I loved my job but never felt like there was much room for growth or advancement. I became interesting in feeding difficulties with children and wanted to pursue more of that. I took continuing education courses and learned as much as possible without hands on experience. I landed a feeding early intervention case that didn't go well. The daycare provider didn't like all of my questions I asked her (about the child and what/how she was feeding him) so told the mother to request a different provider. Unfortunately, it stopped there. I didn't get any other feeding cases despite my interest and continued asking. I continued to work with the same kinds of cases. 

After everything we went through to get the girls I knew that if it was possible I wanted to stay home with them. W got laid off from his job around the time that I was 30 weeks pregnant but he lined up a new job that gratefully paid much better. This has allowed me to stay home with the girls. I work and do evaluations about 3-4 times a month. It's not much but it brings in a little extra cash.

With all of the hurdles we encountered breastfeeding I sought out lots of help. I spoke with at least 10 different lactation consultants. Initially I kept in contact with the IBCLC Char from the NICU. She was amazing and so great, but incredibly busy and difficult to reach. I remember one day in December when Lucy's eating was absolutely horrible I called at least 5 different places and spoke with so many different people. The La Leche League put me in contact with another IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) named Erin. She also had a NICU background and was incredibly helpful. She was the one that actually identified the oral aversion and helped me work through/past it. I still text her regularly.

It was through my contacting various people that I realized how difficult it is to find good help. I had so many horrible suggestions and people telling me things that were definitely not the problem. It was then that I started to think about pursuing my IBCLC. I researched it and read about it. I learned that there are different pathways to achieving this international certification, one of which is for "healthcare professionals" including speech pathologists.

Basically, to obtain the IBCLC I would have to: take a 90 hour lactation specific course (that is offered online), complete 1000! hours of clinical experience, and take an examination. I looked into the coursework and learned I could use it towards continuing education credits for my speech pathology license that I have to maintain. I then started to think about the hours. How on earth would I get the hours? It was there that I stopped. For months I didn't really think about it much. Then, the girls' birthday was coming up and I reached out to Char from the NICU. I invited her to the birthday party and we talked some on the phone. It was then that I brought it up to her about the hours (we had spoken about my interest in getting my IBCLC many times prior). She gladly offered that I could do the hours with her. I was surprised but didn't say much at the time. 

I spoke to W about it. He wasn't wild about me doing 1000 hours of unpaid work, but he said he would support me and my efforts if I really wanted to pursue it. So recently I spoke with Char again. I sent a resume to her that she brought to the charge nurse. The NICU has approved her mentoring me but now it's up to the hospital. I've spoken with educational services and am waiting to hear back. They were concerned that since I'm not with a university that I may not be covered for liability. 

To be honest, I'm super excited about getting an amazing experience and hours in a level 3 NICU. I know from experience how knowledgable and amazing Char is and I can't wait to learn from her. On the other hand, I'm incredibly nervous about being away from the girls. I've never really been away from them for more than a few hours at a time, and that's not all that often. We've introduced milk in sippy cups and dropped a daytime feeding. I'm hoping to drop another feeding soon (yesterday was great with Clara but a fail with Lucy). I know some time apart will be great for everyone, but at the same time making any changes comes with uncertainty. I'm not sure exactly when I will start but I'm so excited about learning new skills and information. 

33 Weeks

Today I'm 33 weeks and 1 day and I'm just so happy to be at this point. I'm so glad these babies are still cooking.

The best news of the week/month is that W accepted a job offer. We were worried about him accepting and getting time off to be home with the babies. He had been offered the job last Friday but he met with the director again yesterday to discuss taking time off. Originally, he was planning to take a month with the old company. He was going to get 2 weeks of paid vacation and then take 2 weeks without pay. We were planning and saving for that. 

He's done working at his current job at the end of next week. The new job said he could start at the very end of October. This means he's still going to get the 2 weeks paid time off from his old job, and that he will also be able to collect unemployment for his time home with the girls. It's really pretty fantastic. We are both so happy and relieved with this scenario.

The new job will be home care physical therapy. He's excited about this change as it was what he originally wanted to do. I'm so happy for him. 

In other news W's parents are leaving a week from yesterday for 2 weeks of vacation. They are going to Croatia and Italy. As our biggest sources of help and support, we are really hoping the girls hold off on making their arrival until they get home. 

I've been monitoring my blood sugar levels and they have been great. They aren't even slightly elevated so it's frustrating I have to prick my finger twice a day to test them. Flavored seltzer and sparkling water have become my new best friends. 

Babies- The should both be at least 4 pounds this week and around 17 inches long. 

Weight Gain- I'm up 25 pounds total. I really think most of the gain has been in my belly as I'm still wearing the same pants I was in the teens of this pregnancy. 

Belly- Still measuring 37 weeks. I asked my ob today about the fact that it hasn't changed in the past few weeks and he didn't seem concerned. He said this may be as big as I get. The stretch marks on my left side are reaching a little higher despite my best efforts to stay moisturized. My belly button is also about flush with the surrounding skin. The babies are still really high in my belly and up around my ribs. 

Cravings/Aversions- I have a lot of flexibility at night to indulge and my fasting blood sugar levels are always good the following morning. We made a peach pie the other night and it was absolutely amazing. I've been enjoying flavored seltzer as well and that helps to have some variety outside of plain water. I'm getting better with the meat since I don't have much of a choice, but I'm still not loving it. 

Symptoms- Not much has changed. I'm still low energy, peeing a ton, sleeping like crap, sore and tired physically, surviving nighttime heartburn, and there are still some braxton hicks. The girls are so active while I lie down and I feel little limbs rolling and moving in my belly. It's so amazing. Baby a gets the hiccups multiple times a day and one day they both had them at the same time. 

Mood- Feeling pretty good overall. I'm so happy to be to this point. There are days when I get a little bored and impatient being home, but I'm also trying to enjoy this time to myself. 

Memorable Moments- Seeing the girls on ultrasound again and seeing how big they are getting.

W getting a new job. 

Washing all of the newborn cloth diapers.

Holding and snuggling baby Car.mine and getting to see Tam.ara.

Seeing President Obama's motorcade drive by and having him stay the night in the town we live in. 

Taking a few more rides in our boat before we took it out of the lake for the year. 

New sewing projects to keep myself busy.  

First and second non-stress tests for the babies. Both babies were very cooperative. b n

Arriving at the wrong time for my appointment with the dietician and needing to reschedule. 

Upcoming- W's birthday is the 1st and he'll be 32. Upon discussion with my ob today it looks like if we schedule a c-section the girls will be born a month later on October 1st. I hope they stay put until then despite it feeling like a lifetime away to my very pregnant and tired body. 

My in-law's will be on vacation for 2 weeks and hoping the girls stay put a while longer.

Next ob appointment in another week with another NST. 

Quite the Week!

This week was an emotional and exhausting one. 

On Monday W found out he was going to have to find a new job. Since that time he's been looking at ads, working on updating his resume, and looking to apply to a few positions. He knows that the new agency that comes into the facility will likely offer him a job, but he's heard terrible things about working for them. We both know that working for them is better than not having a job at all, but he's hoping for some better options. 

We've been looking at getting a new car. I took my car along with the carseats to the state trooper's station to get installed a few weeks ago. The trooper was able to get them in, but it meant having both front seats extremely far forward. It would not make for comfortable driving over long distances. Since my sister and dad live about 3 1/2 hours away, we know we will want to visit them with the girls. Let's not forgot the 2 big dogs we have. So, we started looking at SUV's that offer third row seating. W's dad insisted we look at some mini vans, and I hate to admit it, but we may get one. I joked that part of my soul was going to die in the process, but they just offer so many more features and comfort. In addition, they are more affordable than the SUV's. If anyone who reads this drives a van, please tell me how much you love it. Make me feel better about this decision. 

On Tuesday I got a call from one of the nurses at my ob's office regarding my 3 hour glucose test results. She told me I failed all 3 hours, 2 of which only by a few points. I got off the phone and cried. It was super upsetting and surprising to me considering I failed my 1 hour by only a few points. She said at my appointment Wednesday they would give me further instructions and teach me how to use the glucose meter. 

Since last Thursday I've started to feel a lot worse. I've been exhausted every day, having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, and I noticed a slight increase in discharge. I debated calling my ob's office a few times, but decided to wait until my appointment on Wednesday. The cramping did not improve on Monday and Tuesday. I really wanted to stop working, but was too nervous to make that call myself. 

On Wednesday I had my ob appointment. When Dr. R asked me how I was feeling I told him everything that had been going on. He said he would do a FFN (Fetal Fibronectin) Test. 

"Fetal fibronectin is a protein that acts as a "glue" during pregnancy, attaching the amniotic sac — the fluid-filled membrane that cushions your baby in the uterus — to the lining of the uterus.

Fetal fibronectin is often present in vaginal discharge before week 22 of pregnancy. Fetal fibronectin also begins to break down and can be detected in vaginal discharge toward the end of pregnancy.

If your health care provider is concerned about preterm labor, he or she might test a swab of secretions near your cervix for the presence of fetal fibronectin between week 22 and week 34 of pregnancy. A positive fetal fibronectin test is a clue that the "glue" has been disturbed and you're at increased risk of preterm labor."

Dr. R said if it was positive we would be looking at steroid shots for the babies lungs, but also said a negative result was more accurate than a positive one. He told me results would be available that evening or the next day. He then checked my cervix for the first time. Let me tell you, I thought he was trying to shake hands with one of the babies. It. was. not. comfortable. I asked him about work and whether he thought I should continue and he directly said "no". In addition, he told me he wanted to see me weekly from this point on. Dr. R said he would write a note for me to be done working and then I asked about talking with the nurse regarding testing my blood sugar levels. 

We went to the nurses station and Dr. R asked the nurse to again check my levels and test results. Well, come to find out according to the College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists, only one of the three hour results was considered failing. He asked me how the test made me feel and I told him not too bad. He then said the best thing to do would be to repeat the test and check results again. Oh boy, lucky me!

I made my appointment for the following Wednesday and then the week after for our next ultrasound (at 32 weeks) and left. I called my boss that afternoon but didn't get through. I eventually talked with her on Thursday morning and gave her the update. We made a plan for all of my remaining cases and she was quite understanding. I spoke with the HR person regarding disability benefits and applying for the FMLA. 

I spent Thursday and Friday making phone calls and deciding what I was going to do with all of my new spare time. I decided I would work on some sewing projects and got to work. I made 2 super cute little dresses that came out amazing. I was very impressed with myself because I didn't think I could sew clothing. I used all fabric I had leftover from quilts. I spent some more time sewing this weekend and then we went to my in-law's lake house. 

Some pictures from today (31+5)

Sunday night has a whole new meaning when you don't have to work in the morning. I have to re-take my glucose test tomorrow, but have more sewing projects lined up. I have to say the week ended much better than it began. 

Also, here are a few other pictures I've taken with my new camera:

My birthday dinner. Our nephew Owen getting ready to try lobster.

Owen and my SiL

Mmmmm lobster

doggies

Pepper!

A look down the lake and at our boat

Well Shit

Today I took the day off to take my 3 hour glucose test. In all honestly, it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. They gave me the fruit punch flavor instead of orange and I requested ice with it this time. It was so much better. 

The first hour I felt pretty awful but from there it wasn't as bad. My mom was supposed to go with me and didn't, but that's a story for another day. I brought my thank-you notes to write from my shower and was able to finish them all. My veins cooperated and the blood draws weren't too bad. 

I came home after and took a long nap. I slept horribly last night due to heartburn. I didn't want to take anything because I was supposed to be fasting and wasn't sure if it would mess up the results.

I heard W come home after work and he climbed in bed with me a put on an episode of The Office on the laptop while I continued to nap. 

When I woke up he told me he had some bad news.

Around Memorial Day W was offered a new position with the company he worked for. He is a physical therapist and has his doctorate degree. He was offered a raise and a position at a nearby rehabilitation facility that was more his speed than the nursing home he was at.

Sometime this summer the rehabilitation facility was taken over by a new company. It was unclear whether they would keep his contract agency in place for the therapy services or not. Well, today he found out the company he works for lost their contract there. 

It couldn't be any worse timing. He will be done working there the first week of September. His boss promised he would try to find employment for the therapists ASAP locally, but couldn't promise anything.  Worst case scenario, W sticks with the company and commutes an hour and a half each way to work. 

He was planning to take a month off when the girls got here. They had hired someone to cover while he was away but now that person is no longer even working for them. Now that month of him helping me with the girls will be spent applying for jobs and interviewing. That is, unless he is able to line something up before that. It's hard to line something up when you don't know exactly when you are going to need time off. It all depends on when these girls make their arrival. He isn't planning to take off the time until they come home, but we still don't know when that's going to be. 

I know that he is in a great field and he will find a new job. It just really changes how his time off is going to look. It stresses me out and makes me want to keep working as long as possible. I had been thinking I'd be done August 16th. I'm not feeling so confident about that anymore, but know I need to stop soon. I've been having more and more braxton hicks and so easily feel like I overdo it. Working for a few extra weeks is not worth having these babies early. 

It really sucks that this happened today, but I know in the end we will be fine. I really just wish W hadn't taken the raise and change of position in May. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Better Safe Than Sorry and Changes

On Friday I was out shopping with my MiL. As I waited in line at the checkout I felt some pretty intense cramping. It only got more intense and then came some back pain. I ended up having to sit down, but didn't make a big deal out of it. 

On Saturday morning I got out of the shower and once again felt cramping. My body told me to lie down so I did and it passed. 

Sunday night after getting up to pee in the middle of the night I felt the same thing. 

3 days in a row of a single episode of intense cramps. It was enough so that I had to sit or lie down until it passed. I figured the best thing to do would be to call my ob. 

They told me it was likely round ligament pain and I disagreed. I've had more round ligament pain then I ever cared to experience in this pregnancy, and know it wasn't that. When I told her it lasted about a minute and I felt the need to lie down she offered for me to come in and get checked out. I took her up on that offer and called my Mom (Mama-Dukes) to see if she could join me for the appointment. She said she would and would come over to my house before. 

I worked that morning and we left around 1:15 for the appointment. In the waiting room I ran into a co-worker I rarely see and we chatted while I waited. 

When they called me back they took my blood pressure, weight, and a urine sample as per the usual and then brought me to a room. They asked me to undress from the waist down in case he wanted to do an exam. 

I had requested the only ob in the practice I was yet to meet (#5 Dr R). He came in fairly quickly and first used his doppler. He easily picked up both babies' heartbeats and we chatted for a bit. He asked me what I did for work and whether I was going to get the summer off. I sadly informed him that no, I would be working this summer, but to a lesser degree. He told me that since I was past the half-way mark in my pregnancy if I started to feel like I was having more bad days than good days, it would be perfectly reasonable for me to stop working. I was really surprised to hear him say this. 

He basically told me the cramping was likely contractions but that they are nothing to worry about since they aren't consistent. Everything is growing so quickly and it's putting a lot of stress on my body. He said I really need to listen to my body and take it easy when it tells me to. He said if I was feeling the same thing 4 or more times per hour than I should call right away, especially if any discharge or bleeding accompanied it. 

So last night I emailed my boss back and declined a summer case for work. I figured since I was reducing my caseload it made sense to not add or any more right now. I want to work as long as possible, but not add anything at this time. This afternoon my boss responded by saying, "I know caseloads will be changing July 1st. Please let me know how many visits you need." 

Cue my stressed out tears. Technically, to be considered full time and continue to receive my benefits I need to do 35 visits per week. It always fluctuates and generally they understand that summers are slower. Well, my summer right now looks like about 17 visits per week and I'm not really interested in increasing that. 

I'm looking forward to cutting back. I've been doing a lot more than 17 for quite a while. Earlier in the year I was up to 43 visits. After this week everything is supposed to slow down. I still want to work. I know I would be bored if I wasn't and I still feel like I can. I just know I can't keep up the pace at which I've been going. 

 I came home this afternoon and made W call his insurance company. They said me cutting back on work is considered a life-changing event and that it would be a possibility to add me at that time. It's not cheap at all, but it's good to know the option exists. That's the plan for when the girls get here anyway. There's also the FMLA, but I'm not ready to take that yet. I'm not even positive my work offers it. 

I really thought my reduced caseload will slide by without them noticing it (at least for a little bit) but I guess declining that case last night made them think about it. I'm thinking about asking if I can sit down with my boss and go over everything with her. I have no idea right now who will be taking over my caseload when I go out and they don't know that I'm not planning to return to work right away. It's tough when families ask me who would take over when I leave and I have no idea. It's hard not knowing what is offered and not to me in case I need to stop working. 

When Dr. R said I could stop working if I I needed to, a small smile spread across my face. Then, when the logistics of it came into perspective, the tears started to flow. I've worked full time for 4 years at the same company doing the same thing. Changes can be good, but also incredibly scary. 

A Very Proud Non-Mommy Moment

I feel like I've said this a million times, but for clarity sake I will mention it again. My job involves working with young children (birth-5). 

Even though I'm a speech pathologist, I work on overall development and overlap with other disciplines (occupational therapy, special education, etc.). I try to help support each child in every way that I can. It's not just about speech and language. 

Today was my session with little C. He turned 4 in May and I've been seeing him for therapy since just before he turned 2. I've known him for half of his life and see him 3 times a week. I'm very connected to him and enjoy my time with him. A little over a year ago I went to his developmental evaluation and sat in the room as the evaluators told his parents that he had PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified). Feel free to read more about it here. I've also watched him go from being non-verbal and unable to imitate simple mouth and facial movements to talking in age-appropriate length phrases all within a year. He's my little super star client and has made me proud so many times before. 

Well, C's mom has been trying to potty train him for months. It really just seemed like he didn't get it. He would go into the bathroom and play with the toilet paper dispenser, rock back and forth, ask about any little noise he heard, and just be overly distracted. He didn't seem to get the concept and it became somewhat frustrating to everyone. His mom wanted to give up so many times. 

Well, his mom had something on Facebook yesterday about how he peed on the potty for the first time. Today when I got him from his preschool classroom for therapy he looked like he had to pee. I told him to go to the bathroom as I had so many times before. Like usual, he asked about noises, tried to pull up his pants after about 1 minute, and played with the toilet paper dispenser. Then, he got super quiet and looked down all focused. And he peed! For a long time. 

I can't even begin to describe how proud I was of him at that moment. Even though I'm not his mommy, I felt overwhelming pride for him and his accomplishment. When his mom came to pick him up I got to share my excitement with her and she was so happy. All of his classroom teachers were super surprised as well. 

It was such a great and proud work moment. Most days I really love my job, and especially on days like today. 

Feeling Run Down

This past weekend we went to NJ for an engagement party. We drove down Saturday morning and back home on Sunday evening. We stayed with family in a large house with a lot of people. On Saturday night we stayed up pretty late hanging out. I slept in some on Sunday morning but it wasn't the most restful sleep.

My bladder is interfering with my REM cycles. I don't feel as rested as I'm up at least 3 times a night to pee. It's hard to get a good night's sleep when that happens. 

Sunday was the party. I had a hard time being overly social because everyone was standing around. I'm definitely not on my feet much all day and it was hard to stand for too long. I kept having to go sit down and relax. I'm not overly social in big groups to begin with, so it wasn't super unusual. 

On Sunday when we got into the car I pulled out my pillow and slept for 2+ hours. W said the sun was blaring in my face and I didn't even seem to notice. 

Monday I didn't end up working even though W did. I drove down to Ithaca and met up with my friend Toni, her husband, and baby O. We had lunch, walked around some, and got some delicious milkshakes. 

Yesterday I worked all day and went straight from work to the chiropractor. From there I went to Target and got a dress for a wedding I'm going to in June. W met me there, we left his car and drove to the hospital to bring T dinner. We ate quickly and headed out because we had our multiples class (right next to the hospital). We didn't get home until close to 11. 

This morning I woke up and was dragging. I didn't feel great all day and cancelled my afternoon sessions to stay home and nap. I was so easily irritated during the day it was probably humorous. 

I felt slightly better after my 2 hour nap, but I'm pretty ready to crawl back into bed at 8:30. 

I'm feeling exhausted. And run down. It almost feels like I'm sick without the sickness. Where did my energy go?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining, but I guess I am. Oh well. I just hope I wake up feeling refreshed and full of energy tomorrow. Have I told you that growing 2 babies is hard work?

Occupational Hazards

For my job I go into people's homes every day. Some are better than others, and some are pretty horrible. At the present moment, I don't have any that are too terrible. I wear jeans to work every day so I can sit on the floor and not worry about ruining any nice clothes. I love that my job is casual and that I can be comfortable every day. 

I've been working with half brothers since September. Their house was never the cleanest, but it was fine. I would often see the boys are daycare so that was much better than at home.

Recently they moved out of their house and into a family member's house. There are a lot of people in the house including two teenage girls with autism. It's busy, loud, and chaotic, but there is a big table I can sit at in the dining room with the boys. My arm may have gotten stuck on a sticky spot on the table a time or two, but I've definitely seen worse. At least I was at a table with chairs. 

The first day I left the new house I smelled like smoke. I saw an older guy with an unlit cigarette in his hand but never saw anyone smoking. I don't love that I smelled like smoke, but it happens a lot. Smoke lingers in people's home, regardless of how recently they smoked. 

The second time I walked into the house I looked all the way back through the house to see a kitchen so dense with smoke you could hardly see the people in the room. The room with the big table was directly next to the room filled with smoke. I looked and there were no doors we could close to contain it somewhat. 

I suffered for an hour, debating what exactly to do. It's hard to go into someone's home, especially their extended family's home and tell them what to do. I know I wouldn't like a stranger telling me what they would like me to do or not do in my house. In addition to the smoke I could hear little animals running around within the roof/ceiling. I think they were squirrels and that was slightly humorous to be honest. 

I left and went home to immediately pull off all of my clothes and put them in the wash. It was disgusting. The next session was supposed to be at daycare so I didn't feel the need to say anything. When I drove all the way to the daycare the next time the mom told me she forgot to text me and tell me, but the boys were at her father's smokey house. I decided to not see them that day. 

Last week was spring break and I didn't see the boys at all. Luckily, the mom texted me today to tell me all of the days I see them this coming week they will be at daycare. 

I guess it's time to start telling people so they are more considerate. I would love them to be more conservative and cancel when their children are sick, or put the cigarettes out when I'm in the house. I even debated asking that mom if she would meet me at the library or something so I didn't have to go into the house. I guess I'm glad I have another week to figure it out. 

I had the chance to tell my boss last week but chickened out. W laughed at me but I'm still having a hard time uttering those words, "I'm pregnant" without any kind of prompt or question. I'm sure I'll get there, and hopefully it will be sooner than later. 

Today when I put on something other than a sweatshirt it was obvious there's something going on. I've purchased a few pairs of maternity pants and I hemmed and wore my first pair this weekend. It's hard to get used to not having a button and fly when going to the bathroom. I'd love to be more open about it and start to wear some tighter clothes rather than big baggy ones. It's time I embrace and show off my belly that is growing bigger and bigger. 

I called my ob's office last week and asked a few questions including when they would want to see me next. The nurse said she would ask the doctor and call me back. When she called back she told me the doctor wanted to see me again this next Tuesday. She said we would talk and they would also do an ultrasound to check for the heartbeats. We are going to have a photo album of ultrasound pictures, but I'm sure not complaining. I'm pretty sure after this appointment that I won't be going for a while. Maybe after that I will start to tell more people?? 

Heck, I still haven't told my mom and step-father. Granted they are in Costa Rica until the end of June, but it's still almost laughable. W and I joked we would pick them up at the airport to a huge surprise. I really want to tell them over Skype but just haven't gotten the chance yet. 

I'm so unclear as to when the second trimester officially starts. Is it 12, 13, or 14 weeks? I know it's just a number and concept, but I guess I would just like to know since I'm super confused. 

Invested and Involved

It feels weird to not want to cross the days off the calendar. In the past 2 1/2 years we have done so many cycles it feels like I should be counting down to something. Counting down to my next lining check, my start day for meds, my transfer date, etc. Watching the days pass is strange. I do have an ultrasound that I am looking forward to this week, but it's just a different type of anticipation. 

My ob's office called today to say my doctor will be out of town for the next week. They scheduled me a different time for the ultrasound this Friday and after I will meet with a different doctor. W isn't going to be able to make it, but I think my MiL is going to come. Undressing in front of her should be interesting, but I had 1 other vaginal ultrasound with her in the room before so I guess it's no big deal. I remember last time she folded my underwear for me : )

Last week work was particularly emotionally draining. When you go into someone's house and see them multiple times a week you get involved and invested in their families. I don't think I would be a good therapist if I wasn't involved, but sometimes it means being involved in things that are not directly related to the child. 

One family I work with fosters children. They currently have 5 children in their care, 4 of which are under 2 1/2 in addition to their own 3 children. I am currently working one of the little ones. The older one in care is around 8 years old and was having some issues. He sees a psychologist and it was recommended he go to a treatment center to address these issues. Well, after quite a few weeks there he finally came home last week.

 It was so upsetting to see how heavily medicated he was. He sat across from me at the table, totally out of it, slurring his speech, trying to talk to me. He could barely function. I know this child and know that he is highly functional normally. I was so upset with the way he was acting and the foster family agreed. We spoke about it in depth and they were glad to have validation of their feelings.

Another story involves a different family. Many grandparents care for their grandchildren, so I do therapy at their houses. I have one little boy I have been seeing for almost a year and I do at least 1 therapy session a week at grandma's house. We have developed a really great relationship and I really like her. Unfortunately, her husband was diagnosed with colon cancer this past fall after a routine colonoscopy. Then about a month ago I got a text from mom that they needed to cancel the session at home due to a "family emergency". When I went to grandma's house the next day I asked if everything was okay. She told me that the mom of the little guy I see had a miscarriage the previous day. Most recently, grandma went for a routine mammogram and it was discovered that she has breast cancer. Last Friday she had a lumpectomy and she will do radiation and chemotherapy. 

In one day I was at the house with the foster care child that was too heavily medicated, and then went to see the grandmother for the first time since her diagnosis (2 days before her surgery). I left both homes with a heavy heart. When W called me on his lunch break I broke down in tears. I know I'm extra emotional lately, but it was a really rough day. 

Since then, the child in foster care has been seen to a different treatment center to ween him off of a lot of the meds he was on. I spoke with the family and was so glad to hear this. The grandmother had her surgery on Friday and I probably won't see her for a while. I will see her grandson and his mom tomorrow and will be sure to ask about her and send her my best. 

Even though my job can be tough, it's also incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. I really wouldn't change it, despite the way it makes me feel on certain days. Even though there are bad days from time to time, the majority of my days are great. 

On another note, the kids I work with love the fact that I'm always snacking lately. I often share some of my snacks and they think it's the greatest thing ever. I really do enjoy building relationships with these children and their families. 

Surreal

Every year I have to get a TB test for work. It's really no big deal and the county I live in offers a clinic every Tuesday for 10 dollars. I've been slacking on getting this done and finally made an appointment to do it today.

The appointment was at 4:00 and I showed up a little early hoping I could get home sooner. I was the first one there and they immediately gave me paperwork to fill out.

The first page included a bunch of simple questions. I answered no to most questions and was then able to answer the golden question the way I've been dying to for years. The question read "Are you pregnant?" It was pretty amazing to be able to make an x in the "yes" column. 

When the nurse "Jackie" called me over to talk prior to the test she scanned down the questionnaire page. Then she came to the bottom question. She immediately congratulated me and told me the test was safe during pregnancy (I had previously asked Dr. B so knew this to be the case). I told her I was really early and that we had been trying for a long time. She asked me when I would be due and I told her October.

A totally normal conversation that a pregnant person might have. It really felt like a dream. 

I then got called to the back of the room to get the shot. At this point no shots really phase me so it was no big deal. She told me I was done and that I had to return on Friday to get the test read. She then said I would get a copy of the form that day to send to my employer. 

Que my minor freak out. I told her there was something on there I didn't want to share with my employer and pointed to the same question that made me so happy to answer yes to a few minutes prior. She called over the first woman I talked to and she came up with a plan. She said when I go on Friday to get it read that I should ask for her. She said she could white-out the original so we can send it to my employer without that information on it. 

It's amazing how something can go from so exciting to so troublesome so quickly. I'm glad we made a plan and that my boss won't find out so soon. I'm also super thrilled I got to put an x in the "yes" column. I was so excited I almost took a picture. 

Beyond Frustrated (Rant)

Today was not a great day. Going back to work after lots of time off is never easy. With how busy I am right now it's been particularly hard. There are some days where I go home and wonder if I really want kids. They are exhausting and can really drain all of your patience quickly. I hear it's different with your own kids and I really hope that's true. 

I'm also in the process of planning/hosting my sister's baby shower. She's always said her MiL was crazy, but now I fully believe it. We are doing the shower at her in-law's house and her MiL had only offered to do the cake. I assumed that's all she wanted to do and didn't feel comfortable asking her to do much more. I guess she was complaining that she wasn't feeling involved so I sent her an email. I then found out that my very friendly and nice email made her even more upset. In the end we got it all smoothed out, but it required an hour and a half conversation on the phone. Sometimes I just don't understand why adults can't act their age. I'm not really interested in making things more complicated and difficult than they already are going to be. This isn't the easiest thing for me to do to begin with. 

The biggest thing that has been bothering me this week is the nurse at Dr. B's. When I was in the office last Friday she told me she would send me a calendar that afternoon. By Monday I still hadn't received it. When I called Monday to pay my balance I asked the receptionist about it. Later that day I finally received the calendar. With the calendar was a message asking me to inventory my meds and then let her know what I would be needing. Tuesday morning I responded with my list of meds and also had a list of pertinent questions. When I still hadn't gotten any kind of reply this morning I emailed her again. I again told her my list of meds, asked her to call the others into the pharmacy, and asked my questions. I got zero reply today. I'm willing to be patient and I don't always expect an immediate response, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable in feeling annoyed by it all. We are paying a lot of money and I expect a reply in a somewhat timely fashion. I'm relying on her to call in my meds in order to start this cycle and I'm supposed to start on Monday. I plan to call the office tomorrow morning and am considering asking to be assigned to the nurse I had last cycle. She was much more responsive. I don't want to feel like I have to do someone's job for them. I shouldn't have to try so hard to get some answers to my questions and my prescriptions called in. 

I was hungry this afternoon when I was out running errands. I decided I would buy some pickles to eat since they looked delicious. When I got into the car I really wanted one so opened up the jar. It then spilled everywhere, so now my car smells like dill pickles, yummy!

Sorry for all the bitching, I just needed to get it all out. Okay, I think I'm done. 

Glad It's Over (Christmas 2012)

Our tree sits proudly, taking up a quarter of our living room. Our lights outside are well hung and look awesome. The cookies were baked, frosted, and quickly eaten. The presents have all been opened and we are back home together. 

Christmas is over and I can't lie, I'm pretty glad it is. We made the best of what we could this year, but it was especially tough. 

Pepper Claus

Can you find the kitty in the tree? His new favorite skill

The front of our house

Our tree in the living room

The garage

I don't have the fondest childhood memories from Christmas. My parents got divorced when I was seven so I don't have any Christmas memories with my Dad at home. From as early as I can remember, I dealt with my sister unintentionally trying to ruin Christmas for us. She hated surprises (and honestly still does) so she made it her life's work each December to find our presents and show them to me. 

One year my mom hid them in the trunk of her car. When my mom went running my sister brought me outside and we played with our toys in the driveway. She got a Game Boy that year that got lots of use before Christmas. I remember I got a stroller for my dolls. 

Another year she showed me how to unwrap the presents from the corners to peek and see what was inside. 

Then there was the year that I had heard rumors that there wasn't a Santa (probably from my sis) so I wrote him a note and asked him to sign on the line if he was real. In my excitement I brought it to my sister to show her and she prompted replied with, "That's moms handwriting." 

As we got older my mom gave us money a few weeks before Christmas and took us shopping. We were able to pick out what we wanted and then she wrapped them for us for Christmas. 

I know it's not my sister or mom's fault that I don't love Christmas. It always just felt like such a let down. 

For Christmas Eve this year we went to my in-law's house. This was the first year my mom and step dad were in town for Christmas in about ten years so they were there as well with my brother. In addition, our friends C, J, and their little girl E came over. It was nice to spend time with everyone. The tough part came when I overheard W's aunt talking about how she was going to be a grandmother again. Her son and his wife are pregnant and due in May. 

Yeah, that wedding we attended in June? They're pregnant already. Not to mention the fact that she left him for about a month within a few weeks of them getting married. Yeah, they're pregnant. 

From the point that I heard that news on I struggled. I knew we would be seeing W's cousin and pregnant wife for Christmas dinner and I started to dread it. We managed to arrive as late as possible, both tearing up a bit on the ride over.  I didn't converse with her at all tonight. I didn't tell either of them congratulations. I was a jerk and I don't care. I'm not handling pregnancy announcements particularly well these days. 

I just don't get how it's possible that she is in her upper 30's and got pregnant within a few short months of them getting married. It's really starting to hit us hard that for every wedding we attended since our own, the couples are either pregnant or already have already had a baby. Couples that are way older than us. One of my co-workers who was expecting at the same time as we were supposed to be the first time told me recently that they are expecting their second child this spring. They started trying late this summer. 

To be completely honest, I just don't get it. I don't understand why I'm still in my 20's (for eight more months) and unable to get pregnant. Unable despite trying everything we can. Unable despite all of the money we have thrown at the situation. 

 I'm okay with babies, but pregnancy is really starting to rub me the wrong way. It's probably because I'm coming to terms with the fact that it may never be me. 

Things have been ok lately. Last week brought some serious work drama that had me crying in bed at midnight that night. It's hard to feel the stress of infertility and then pair it with work stress. It just feels like too much sometimes. Everything is fine now, but it didn't feel that way for a bit. 

On Thursday we meet with Dr. Br.averman again. I'm not sure how I feel about things. Going through another IVF cycle does not sound like fun. I'm curious to see what he has to say and to see whether he can re-inflate our hope balloon. 

Then next Thursday we have an appointment with an adoption attorney to talk. I'm not sure what our plans are exactly with that, but it will be nice to talk to someone about things. 

Christmas wasn't easy this year. We both struggled to put on a happy face and to focus on the positives We have so many things to be happy and grateful for but it's hard not to feel like something's missing. 

"Do You Have Any Children?"

As I've said before I work with little kids (birth-5). I love their little giggles, snuggles, faces, attitudes (ha!), and personalities. Although I am a speech therapist, almost everything I do is done through play (especially with the really little kids). Parents need to be clearly told what early intervention will look like because otherwise they seem confused. Sure, I'm playing with the child, but I use strategies during play to get them talking and accomplishing their other set goals. The strategies aren't rocket science, but a lot of people don't think that way (using short and simple speech when talking to their child to increase opportunities for imitation, repetition and expectant waiting, labeling items of interest, etc.)

I always knew I wanted to work with kids. When I was a child I wanted to be a pediatrician. That was until I realized kids don't like their pediatricians. They are usually scared, sick, and unhappy to see them. 

Both of my parents have a background in special education and they encouraged me to pursue speech as a career path. My Mom did early intervention and preschool speech when I was in middle school and I often accompanied her when it was a therapy session after school. I loved it and thought it would be a great job. 

Almost always on the first visit/session the parents like to ask me if I have my own children. I usually reply with "not yet" and they don't tend to ask much else. Most recently the mom looked at me and said, "Really? That's hard to believe." Well, believe it lady!

Working in this job I am supposed to keep the family involved, give them strategies and "homework" so that their child can progress. My hour a week I spend with them isn't going to change the world, I need carryover from families. Giving someone advice when they know you don't have children is strange. Sure, I'm the expert on the given topic, but I often feel like they are thinking does she really have a clue since she doesn't have her own children?

Service coordinators come to sessions about once a month to observe a child's progress and answer questions/concerns the parents have about the program. They all have children and they talk about them non-stop. I always feel like it discredits or excludes me because I can't participate in the conversation. I just sit there and feel stupid. Hopefully I don't look stupid : )

I don't discuss my infertility with any families. I'm not trying to get them involved in the situation and keep my personal and professional lives as separate as possible. I just wish people understood better that I don't have children yet because we haven't been able, not because I don't want them. I want to understand and be able to relate better, I swear!

How would you feel if your child's therapist didn't have any children, yet they were giving you advice on how to enhance you child's development? Would you take the advice with a grain of salt or respect it? 

Blog-iversary

Today marks two years that I have been blogging. At first I never thought anyone would want to read. To be honest, no one did. But as time went on I found lots of great blogs and also gained some followers. It's blows my mind how things have evolved over the past two years! I really appreciate the followers, readers, and commenters! Thanks for sharing your positivity and love. 

Today I was at a house at work and had noticed a piece of gum on the kitchen floor. After about 20 minutes with a little kid he noticed it, got all excited. jumped down from his chair, and popped it in his mouth. All before I could figure out what was going on. After a short chuckle I made him spit it out in the garbage.