Gratitude

Because of the way that I've been feeling lately, I thought it would good for me try to change my focus and mindset. I know a lot of my outlook depends my attitude, so I'm trying to shift that. 

I got together with a few of my fertility buddies this past weekend. One of them had the same dr for her son as I did for the delivery of L & C. She said she recently saw this dr for an annual visit and she mentioned something about my friend being one of her favorite patients. My friend then said it was because she wrote her an amazing thank you letter and sent her flowers after the birth of her son. 

This really got me thinking. To be honest, I never really thought about writing a thank you letter to my ob/gyn after either birth. I've thought about it for Dr. Braverman, but haven't ever actually done it. 

I've decided I'm going to write Dr. L a thank you note. I think doing this will be a good exercise for me in gratitude and gratefulness. It will help shift my focus to the positive surrounding Stella's birth. 

Definition of gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I've also started to try to focus on the things I can be grateful for every day. Yesterday as I sat inside and watched W playing outside with the girls in the snow (!!), I thought about how grateful I was for our warm home and a wonderful husband who is such an involved and amazing father. I appreciated that he gets three weeks off from work to help our family acclimate and assemble as a new unit of five. When one looks around and focuses on life in a positive way, they find there's so much to be grateful for. 

In-Laws

Lately I've been feeling frustrated by my in-laws. Part of it is that it's the middle of winter and I am starting to feel like I live in the arctic tundra. We seriously have about three feet of snow outside and the temperatures have been so low it's not going anywhere. It's times like this that I wonder why we live where we do. The simple answer? Family.

I don't really enjoy living in a place where I can't play outside with my children for half of the year. We moved to a house within walking distance to a playground. The only problem is we can only really walk and play there half of the year.

We also lack sunshine. It's so grey in the winter because we are close to the great lakes and receive lake effect snow and weather. I grew up about 3 hours east of here. It is much sunnier there in the winter. W and I also spent two winters together in Jackson Hole, WY. When it wasn't snowing it was generally sunny. It's so much more motivating to get outside for a walk or some cross country skiing when it's sunny. It feels like the only sunny days around here are also the sub zero ones.

My mom is a great help for me. She generally comes over a few times a week to help and I'm so grateful for that. My in laws, on the other hand, aren't very consistent or reliable. Well, actually my FiL is a great help and loves to spend time with the girls. The only thing is, every winter he leaves for 6 full weeks to go ski in Jackson Hole, WY. It's hard to be able to rely and count on someone and then have them be gone for 6 weeks. 

My MiL really only sees the girls about 2 times a month. She prefers to me to bring them to her and they won't nap there well (not to mention last time they tried Lucy fell out of the crib because they hadn't lowered it). If W and I bring them to her we get about an hour and a half and often spend it running errands. 

It frustrates me that my MiL doesn't want to be more involved. We live here to be close to family and she spends more time with her nephew who lives 6 hours away than the girls. To her friends she pretends to be super-grandma, but I don't even think she's totally comfortable watching both girls by herself. 

After we got back from NYC we were totally burnt out. Since my mom came with us we didn't feel comfortable asking her to do more. Not to mention she has my brother to care for too (he's 13). It was Valentine's day and W and I didn't get to go on any kind of date. My FiL was thousands of miles away and my MiL was in NJ helping plan weddings for W's cousins. To be honest, we still haven't celebrated our anniversary that was in October. 

It really just seems like we're not a priority to her. Church, going to the gym, seeing her grandson in DC, and conference calls all seem more important. It's frustrating to say the least.

So, W had a conversation with her this week to tell he how we were feeling. I think part of it is that I'm feeling exhausted and sick, and taking care of 17 month toddler twins is tough when you don't feel good! I could really use more help. 

She was here today so that I could go to a yoga class. She still took a conference call and insisted on heating up her lunch before the girls', but hey, it's a start. My FiL will be back in another week or two and I know he can't wait to see the girls. I'm just hoping they can step it up a little to help more with another baby on the way. In all fairness though we haven't told them yet. I guess I feel like if they were more involved in our lives they would know by now. 

Updates

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Due to having shared my blog with friends and family, I've been hesitant to share what's been going on. But, I've decided I need to get this off my chest. 

I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on January 7th. They did an ultrasound and there was a large cyst on my left ovary (the ovary without a tube). Having had a positive ovulation test the week prior I assumed it was a corpus luteum cyst from ovulation. The ultrasound technician said it was hard to tell what kind of cyst she was looking at, but if I thought I had ovulated it was possible it was a corpus luteum cyst. I talked with my dr after the ultrasound. I was meeting with him because my cycle the prior month had been 62 days and I felt like a hormonal nightmare. He said he didn't feel like I needed to do anything specific, but he was happy to offer progesterone to help regulate my cycles. I told him that I had started taking Pregnitude (a myo-inositol and folic acid supplement) I had leftover from my IVF cycle with Lucy and Clara and felt like it was really helping with my moods and to shorten my cycles. 

I left the appointment feeling positive. I was feeling like my moods were better, my cycles were shortening, and I was tuned in enough to my body to have an idea of what was going on. Based on my ovulation test and ultrasound it seemed I ovulated the week prior on CD 16. That was way better than the prior month. Maybe the myo-inositol was helping. 

The next day I started to feel like taking another ovulation test was worth taking. Having been clued into my body and how I was feeling, I thought I was showing signs of ovulation. Within a minute of taking the test I had a super dark and obvious positive test. Compared to the week prior, it was a much more convincingly positive test. At one point I debated calling my drs office to find out the size of the cyst on the ultrasound. It made me wonder whether it was actually a follicle rather than a post ovulatory cyst. I never did call. 

At that point I started to feel frustrated and like I had no idea what was going on. Just the day before I had my appointment and left feeling so positive. I was frustrated my cycle was going to be longer, and who knew how many times I'd get positive ovulation tests that month. I had read that using ovulation tests with PCOS can yield inaccurate results. Was this going to happen every week? Were my cycles going to continue to be 50-60 days?

11 days later after my second round of positive ovulation tests (on January 20th) I wrote this post: 

Yesterday morning after putting the girls down I started to get myself ready since we had a play date scheduled with some friends. On a whim I took a cheapy pregnancy test. Prior to hopping in the shower I peeked at it and swore I saw a shadow of a second line.

While in the shower I talked myself down. There was no way. I knew I ovulated from the ovary without a tube. 

When I got out I took another look. There was definitely a shadow of a second line. So, like any sane person would do, I used two more tests. Both also showed a super faint second line. It was at that point that I started shaking and didn't stop for at least an hour. 

The first thing I did was to email Dr. Braverman. He said to get an HCG test done ASAP so I called my ob. They were happy to call a script in to my local hospital. 

The girls woke up and we went to our play date. It was nice to have a bit of a distraction from my racing mind. From her house I dropped the girls at home with my mom and went to the dentist. Luckily the dentist didn't take long and I was able to head over for blood work after without having to tell my mom. 

On the way home I stopped at he pharmacy to pick up my metformin and purchased some FRER pregnancy tests. I came home and took one only to see 2 lines again. 

I didn't want to tell W over the phone or text so I waited until he got home. As he was feeding the girls their afternoon snack I set up my camera and took a video while I handed him the tests. His face was absolute shock and confusion at first that quickly turned into happiness and excitement. 

I had to laugh that these were the shirts I picked out for Clara and Lucy that morning. 

Two days later I wrote this:

As I said, the first person I contacted when I discovered on Monday I was pregnant was Dr. B. He advised me to get a beta ASAP and I did that afternoon.

I called my ob's office to get the results on Tuesday. My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 14. I had taken another FRER test that morning and the line was darker than the previous afternoon. With the positive result, my ob's office wanted me to repeat the test on Wednesday. 

I emailed Dr. B Tuesday afternoon with the results and he advised I call the office and register with their pregnancy management. I called that afternoon and talked with the receptionist. Despite telling me she'd email me the packet of info, she didn't that afternoon.

I didn't sleep well all night and finally emailed Dr. B early Wednesday morning saying I'd called but hadn't gotten the information. He replied quickly and I heard from the office shortly after. They sent me the packet of info I needed to fill out and fax or email back ASAP. 

After our Music Together class this morning (Wednesday) I headed for another blood test. From there I went somewhere to fax the paperwork. 

I got my protocol Wednesday afternoon and medications are being ordered. I will be on Lovenox, baby aspirin, neupogen, metformin, and calcium. 

I'm feeling so anxious and scared. I said it's impossible to embrace this pregnancy without getting excited and I'm too scared something will go wrong to get excited. 

Things moved quickly to get medications ordered. My second beta was 73. This was a doubling time of 25 hours. I found out my insurance needed to pre-approve the neupogen so we paid for the first vial OOP at $360 so I could get started ASAP.

A few days later I called the insurance company to find out an update on the medication. I was told it was denied because I didn't have any of the specified conditions listed for the medication. They told me I could appeal if I wanted. 

We've been forced to pay for this medication OOP. One vial lasts about three and a half days. To say I'm stressed about the price is an understatement. I'm not sure whether it's worth it to appeal to the insurance company as I've been through the process before without success. This expense is really unexpected for us.  

Things have been stressful. I've been so scared and anxious. I've had three early miscarriages. I need certain medications to sustain a pregnancy and I wasn't on them initially. We want to get excited about this amazing news, but we still are having a hard time. 

Starting the neupogen meant stopping breastfeeding. I wasn't planning to stop as suddenly, but was in the process of gradually weaning the girls. I wanted it to be more on their terms, but I stopped because it wasn't safe to continue. That's been another tough thing I've been dealing with emotionally. 

We've also found out that two sets of good friends will be moving in the next few months. 

I guess you could say we were trying to get pregnant... sort of.  We really didn't think it would happen, but said we'd be thrilled if it did. I knew my cycles were long and things weren't looking too good for it happening without assistance. We had talked about going back to Dr. B in the fall around the time the girls turned two.  

I finally scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. B for next Monday, February 9th. Based on my timing, I will be 6w3d. I was so scared to schedule anything. I'm still terrified to go all that way and receive anything but positive news. 

I've been in the early stages of pregnancy unsuccessfully more times than successfully. Twice I felt so positive and optimistic between my positive betas and ultrasounds only to get devastating news at an ultrasound appointment. I can't let myself feel that disappointment again. 

That's the hard part about all of this. I so badly wanted to be able to experience pregnancy like a normal fertile person. I'm quickly realizing that will never be the case. Someone who hasn't experienced loss can't understand the fear of it happening again. Immediately I also had to start injecting myself with medications three times a day. 

So, if you know me IRL and I haven't shared this news with you it's likely because I'm just not ready. It's nothing personal, it's just something I'm not really sharing with many people at this time. I'm hoping things will continue to progress, but I'm glad to have written it all down. I'm feeling ready to reclaim my blog as my space to voice it all. 

    

#MicroblogMondays: Happiness

Recently we had family photos taken. I wanted to get pictures done for Lucy and Clara's first birthday but also wanted some of all of us together. We hired my friend who also has twins and is a professional photographer. She recently got me the images. One of them really resonated with me. 

W and I got married 5 years ago. We didn't start trying for a family for the first year and just enjoyed married life. About a month after we started trying I got a referral to an endocrinologist due to abnormal hormone levels. We took the fast track to surgeries and IVF after getting some devastating news early on. 

For years we did treatments. We did 2 IUI's, 5 fresh IVF cycles, and 4 FET cycles. There wasn't a whole lot of down time between cycles. We miscarried three times in that time. It was really hard on both of us and, honestly, I stopped feeling genuinely happy. I would smile for pictures, but I just didn't feel happy. I often would look back at this one picture from our honeymoon and wish I could feel that same blissful happiness again. 

Then we got pregnant and I successfully carried twins to 34 weeks. Our lives drastically changed. I went from trying to speed up time to get to the next appointment or cycle to trying to slow down time to enjoy my girls. 

When I looked through our 172 images from my friend a certain picture stood out. It's one that captures the happiness and joy we both feel again now that Lucy and Clara are in our lives. It perfectly sums up life with them and I love it.

It's just so nice to see that look of genuine happiness on my face again. 

This post was written as part of Mel's MicroblogMondays. Check it out here to participate. 

Week 1

It's been a week since the slip on the stairs that led to Lucy's broken femur. To say it's been a rough week is an understatement. On top of having one child in a half-body cast, her sister came down with a cold and started teething on Wednesday. At first I though it was just teething as she had a low-grade fever and runny nose, but I feared a cold as my MiL was sick with one the previous week.

Originally our plans had been to leave the girls with my in-laws on my birthday so W and I could go out for a birthday lunch at the Melting Pot. As it got closer and I learned my MiL had been sick, I decided against bringing the girls to her. The girls have gotten colds 2 other times. Both times it was when I left them with someone who had been sick. I didn't get exposed to it so didn't produce the antibodies in my breast milk. So, instead I decided to keep them with me that day.

Then on Monday we had to spend the night at the hospital. We needed help with Clara. So, she spent the time with my in-laws. Am I surprised she got sick? Not really, but I also can't help but be angry about it. I know my MiL didn't mean it, I just didn't need that on my plate too. Big surprise, Lucy got it too. She started feeling crummy on Saturday and her sleep has really suffered too.

Generally I can count on Clara for 11 hours of solid sleep. Starting Wednesday night she was up multiple times. I hit rock bottom on Saturday night when I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep more than 45 minutes straight. Lucy has been waking a lot too. She's stuffy, she uncomfortable, she's in pain, she's hot, who the heck knows. I do know it breaks my heart to hear her crying so much at night. She's usually very easily comforted at night but that has not been the case this week. She's pretty much sleeping in our bed minus the first part of the night when we put her down in her crib.

Clara has also developed quite a bit of jealousy. In all fairness, I wasn't really thinking much of her those first few days. I was meeting her basic needs but relying on others to do a lot of the playing, snuggling, and loving her. I feel horrible admitting it, but I was just spread too thinly for it all. As a result, she's been very unhappy. When she seemed to be feeling worse on Friday and started really screaming multiple times I brought her to the ped to be sure she didn't have an ear infection. Her ears looked find and the ped pointed out how much her life had changed too. Since then W and I have been much more conscious to give her special attention too. 

I had lots of help last week because I didn't think I could take care of both girls by myself. As beggers can't be choosers, I was stuck with my MiL a few days. I know she means well, but she's just too intense. She can't do anything without asking a million questions. It would be helpful if she just did things to help with the girls or around the house. Instead, it's a thousand questions just to know what to give them for a snack, to know which clothes to put back into the wash (if it's dirty it's a safe assumption it needs to go through again, please don't ask me!) She also lingered far too long. When the girls finally went down for their afternoon naps she would show zero signs of leaving. I felt like I had to be there to entertain her and talk with her when all I wanted was some alone time or a chance to lay down myself. By the end of the week I told W I just couldn't have her help. I was more stressed out and struggling with her around. 

This week I am planning to do more without help, try to plan some kind of small outing every day,and try to get our lives back to as normal as possible. 

Today was a great start. W left for work around 8:30 and my SiL came over around 11:30. I showered and packed some snacks for the girls while they were napping and we went for a walk and picnic in the park. 

Tissues

I stayed the night at my in-laws house. W said he was feeling much better by the late afternoon yesterday and his passport was en route, so things are looking up. 

When the girls were in the nicu we stayed at W's parents house as it was only 10 minutes from the hospital compared to the 45 minutes our house was. 

This morning I reached over and grabbed a tissue to blow my nose. As I threw it in the trash under the bedside table I had a déjà vu moment. I remembered all the tissues I threw out in that same trash a little over 6 months ago. I remembered all those tears and hysterical sobs late at night as I was trying to sleep while my babies were in a hospital. 

It makes me so grateful that we are where we are today. I am so lucky!

One of Each?

Whenever I take the girls out I get the same question. Most times the girls are dressed in the same thing yet I hear, "A girl and a boy?" 

It seems everyones idea of the perfect set of twins includes one of each sex. Well, I have 2 girls. That is the perfect set of twins in my eyes. 

W and I did not have the same first reaction to the sexes at our anatomy scan but I think each on our own time we  spent some time being disappointed we weren't going to have a boy. It didn't hit me for quite a while where he felt it pretty quickly. Don't get me wrong, I have a sister and know how amazing a sister bond is. I'm so happy my girls have each other. I wouldn't change anything about my children. It's just I'm sick of everyone asking the same question and them seeming disappointed when I say it's 2 girls. It's like reliving that moment over and over again. And it's not my proudest moment. 

The other thing is I don't love pink. I'm not a girly girl. Big surprise, when grandma offered to knit for the girls I didn't choose pink and purple. I chose my favorite shades of turquoise and she added pink buttons. As much as I don't love girly stuff I do love cute headbands. As cute as they are, we when go out my girls are wearing warm hats, not cute headbands. 

I guess the flip side is that if I had one of each I'd have to hear other people tell me how perfect that is and how I'm done having children. That would probably drive me crazy too. Oh well, I guess I either better get used to it or come up with a good response. 

Kicks

I was lying in bed the other morning. Clara started to stir and move next to me as she was waking up. Her little feet started to kick around in the bed next to me. 

She then made contact with my body and kicked me in the ribs. When I felt those kicks I remembered her kicks from the inside. Clara was so high in my belly and loved my ribs and diaphragm. The morning the girls we reborn Clara had been on my diaphragm for hours that morning. Her kicks from the outside didn't feel the same, but they made me miss those little nudges from the inside. 

Pregnancy is so amazing and I'm so grateful I was able to experience it. I can't believe my body grew and nurtured two tiny little humans. 

Christmas Eve

I can't help but reflect on how this Christmas is so different from any other. Sure, I'm more exhausted than I've ever been and I missed most of my dinner tonight because I was busy feeding the girls, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I got the best presents of all this year and my heart is so full of love for my little girls. Merry Christmas to everyone. Hoping you have a great Christmas. 

Failure to Thrive :(

My little Lucy is still not gaining weight well. After our appointment on December 2nd we started her on reflux medication. We were giving her Prilosec ,and within a few days things definitely improved. I wasn't a huge fan of this medication because it obviously contained red dye, but I was glad it was working and she was eating well again. Within a week we were running low on the medication. In an effort to avoid the red dye I brought the prescription to a different pharmacy that was able to compound the medication. We picked that up last Tuesday and started it on Wednesday.

Last week Lucy started to come down with a little cold. At first I thought she wasn't eating well because she wasn't feeling well. I also noticed that Clara wasn't eating as well but didn't connect it. I thought maybe she had been going through a growth spurt previously and just didn't need as much suddenly.

By Saturday I put the pieces together. Clara was pulling off during feedings and spitting up more. Her fussiness also returned. Lucy started to arch and cry during feedings and then refusing to eat beyond 10 minutes. It appeared the reflux was back and the new medication, despite being the same thing, wasn't working. I called the first pharmacy with the medication that had red dye and they told me we had a refill of the medication but that it wouldn't be available until after 5 on Monday as it needed to be specially ordered.

The weekend was really rough and I was so grateful W was around to help. On Monday things were horrible with Lucy's feedings and I just told myself I needed to make it to 5:00 and I could pick up the prescription. I knew that one worked and that once I started to give it to her things would improve. Even though Clara wasn't eating as well, her behavior wasn't as extreme and she persisted with feedings despite crying at times and taking frequent breaks.

Monday night I made it to the pharmacy and was told there was no prescription to pick up. When they told me that I stood at the counter and asked why as my eyes welled up with tears. The girls weren't eating or sleeping well and were both incredibly fussy. It was obvious they were both in pain.

The pharmacist looked up the order and under that prescription it said it wasn't available. She was unable to tell me when it would be available. Incredibly upset we spoke and she looked through the prescriptions. In mid November our pediatrician had called in Prevacid as we talked and I wasn't wild about the red dye. I had never filled it. The pharmacist told me it was equally strong to the Prilosec so I decided to give it a try. A $50.00 co-pay later I left the pharmacy with the new prescription in hand and renewed hope.

Tuesday the home health nurse came again to weigh the girls. We weighed Clara first and she had gained 7 oz in the past week, a great gain. I nervously put Lucy on the scale and my heart sank when the nurse told me she had only gained 1 oz in the past week. We talked about different ideas to help with her feedings but I was so discouraged when she left. After I thought about it for a few hours I called the pediatricians office. After speaking with the nurse she said the dr wanted to see her so I scheduled an appointment for yesterday. Both girls continued to be completely miserable. It was rough. I went to bed feeling as exhausted as the first few days at home.

Yesterday we saw the pediatrician. They first weighed her which was the same.as what the nurse had her at the day before with an extra half ounce. Then we waited for the dr to come in. We first talked and told him about the history with the reflux medication. Then he examined her. He said she looked healthy and not like she was sick or malnourished in any way. She smiled a big gummy smile up at him as he was looking her over. We then made a plan. The plan was to add human milk fortifier to pumped milk a couple times during the day. This would up the caloric content of the breastmilk from 20 calories per ounce to 22. We would also give the new medicine some more time to work as she had only been given 2 doses at that point. He also wanted to send her for basic blood work to be sure he wasn't missing anything obvious. We will return the first week in January for a well child visit and recheck her weight then. If at that point she still isn't gaining he would do more involved blood work including a urine sample. If everything from that comes back normal and she still isn't gaining he will send her to a GI specialist.

It eased my mind that both he and the nurse the previous day reassured me of how healthy she looked. She's doing great developmentally and is actually more advanced than her sister physically. Lucy loves tummy time and holds her head so high during these times. Clara still prefers to cry with her face in the blanket. I know she looks fine, but it still breaks my heart that she is now being considered a baby with failure to thrive.

Yesterday and today her feedings have been going really well. She's cried and arched a few times after meals, but she's eating for so much longer. I tried to go to a pharmacy to get the fortifier, but they told me they were unable to get it. The dr warned me that might be the case. I was told if I was unable to get it that they may have to order it for me.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the fortifier. I will do whatever it takes to get my little girl gaining weight, but I hope that is just getting her to eat better. I'm still waiting on a call back from the LC at the NICU who has helped me problem-solve so many other issues in the past. For now though I'm just feeling more positive about her reduced reflux symptoms and longer feedings. I hope we are on the road towards making progress with her weight gain. Her sister's amazing growth on my milk is testament that great gain can be achieved on my milk alone. It's always nice to have a "control baby".

Would Have, Could Have

Yesterday was October 1st. This was the date that we would have scheduled my c-section had I made it that far. 

I was attached to the idea of October babies. We got married in October. We bought our house in October. Good things have happened in October. I loved the idea of my girls having their birthday in October. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. 

One of the things I learned through my job and working with young children and families is that part of being a mommy is feeling guilt about a variety of things quite frequently. It's not the best part of being a mommy by any means, but it comes with the job. 

I still feel guilt about how the babies were born. When crashed my car I was talking on my phone to my sister. I'm not sure where you live, but in the state of NY it's illegal to drive and talk on your phone. I'm sure it was part of why I was distracted and didn't react quickly enough. I feel guilty that my poor decisions lead to the early birth of my children. 

I haven't told many people that part of the story. 

I'm hoping that since the 1st has passed I will start to feel less guilt. They would be here now had they not been born 4 weeks ago. 

There's no way to know how much longer I would have been pregnant for. I may have only made it another day and my body may have decided it was ready. Or, it may have gone another 4 weeks past that day. 

I'll never forgot rubbing my belly and feeling the girls move for the last time inside me as they wheeled me down for my c section. 

I hope I feel better as time goes on and that I stop blaming myself for how things unfolded that day. If anything, I certainly learned not to talk and drive any more. 

Last night I dreamt I had a horrible car accident. One of the girls was bigger and waiting for me at the end of the road when I lost control and crashed my car really badly. 

I'm sure things will get better in time and the day will fade as the girls grow. But, for now, I can't help but feel guilty about it all.

W's mom knitted these adorable pumpkin hats. 

We took them to the pumpkin patch today. Expanding the yearly tradition to include them is amazing!

I can't believe Clara and Lucy will be 1 month old tomorrow. I feel so lucky to have them in my life. 

28 Weeks

I'm officially in the 3rd trimester and it's so amazing!! Things are getting harder and I'm feeling quite large, but I'm just so happy and grateful to be cooking these little girls.

I had an ultrasound and appointment yesterday. Both babies are growing so well and are both still around the 50th percentile. Baby a was 2 lbs 11 oz and baby b was 2 lbs 13 oz. They were super active and everything looked great.

My appointment after went well. I don't have a choice and have to do the 3 hour glucose test, but the doctor gave me a 90% chance of passing. I'm just not looking forward to it. He mentioned birthing these babies and said as of right now baby a isn't cooperating in her breech position. I know there's still plenty of time for her to move so I'm trying not to worry about it. My cervix had gone done from 5.4 to 3.2 but he didn't seem concerned. It makes me want to be a little more cautious, but there's not much else I can do. 

Last Thursday I was having a really rough day physically. My chiropractor was out of town all last week and I could tell the difference. By Thursday I felt like I hit a wall. I forced myself to go to yoga and struggled through the class. That night I saw Tam.ara for the first time since having her baby 2 days prior. I brought her dinner and we visited for a while. After dinner she asked me if I wanted to go see the baby. Seeing him and all the other little babies up there was a huge reality check for me. Later that night I told the girls they could stay in as long as they want.

I've seen the baby a few times since. He's so amazingly adorable, but the NICU is definitely a scary place. He's so long! He was born at 17 inches. It's been nice to see Tam.ara outside the hospital and be able to go and do normal things. She's still experiencing a lot of pain from the c-section but she's recovering nicely.

I have another friend who I met at yoga a few years ago and have kept in contact with since. She did 5 IVF cycles at the same clinic as me locally but finally decided to see Dr. Br.averman. She found out this week she is pregnant and had a great second beta. I'm so incredibly happy for her. 

Babies- Like I said, 2 lbs 11 oz and 2 lbs 13 oz. They are getting so big and I can tell. I feel completely full of baby! They should be about 15 inches long each. They can blink their eyes that now have lashes (hopefully some long ones like mommy and daddy). They are developing neurons in their brains and putting on fat. 

Weight gain- Up 25 pounds total. It's a little scary seeing the scale climb and climb, but it's for a good reason. 

Belly- It's growing! I've been getting a lot of round ligament pain again so know things are happening. I have my first stretch marks but so far they aren't very dark. I'm starting to embrace them more and joke to W and call them my "stretchies". For some reason, this makes me feel better about them. I measured 36 1/2 weeks yesterday and can't believe I still may have 10 weeks to go. Baby B is still up really high and pushes almost her whole body out near my rib cage along the top of my belly. It's a bit uncomfortable, but also somewhat amazing. Last night she was pushing on my diaphragm and it did not feel good. I definitely feel her more than her sister who appears to be more mellow. She had a serious case of the hiccups last night. 

Cravings- This week it's watermelon. I also had a half & half to drink (half lemonade, half iced tea) yesterday and it was so good! I need to stay away from all that sugar though. I'm kinda feeling my meat aversion come back. No meat sounds good to me and I'd rather just eat vegetarian. 

Symptoms- Exhaustion, heartburn, round ligament pain, pelvic pain, peeing constantly at night, and some swelling in my feet. 

Sleep- It's officially taken a turn for the worse. I'm sleeping horribly because I'm up about every 45 minutes to pee at night. I wake up in the morning feeling so exhausted despite how many hours I was sleeping for. The babies are also really active at night and often decide to have dance-offs regularly. 

Mood- I was feeling really weepy and overwhelmed after my shower and was crying a lot. I'm feeling better now and fewer tears have been flowing. The not sleeping well makes me feel a little more bitchy, but I don't think I'm too bad. 

Memorable Moments- My baby shower. It was so wonderful and amazing and we got so many nice things. 

Meeting baby Car.mine and being able to visit him a few times since. 

Having an ultrasound and seeing the girls this week. I can't believe how big they are. 

Going through baby shower gifts and getting things more ready for these girls. 

Taking an infant CPR class.

Upcoming- We are going to a concert this Friday with some friends.

I have another ob appointment in 2 weeks but am thinking of doing an elective 3D ultrasound. W isn't sold, but I'd love to get some great shots of their little faces. We've had so many ultrasounds but I never feel like I get sick of them.

3 hour glucose tolerance test next Wednesday.

Breast feeding class next Tuesday and then a tour of the hospital the following Tuesday.

Hopefully receiving the final things for the nursery so it can be officially finished.

My 30th birthday on August 3rd, yikes! I'll hit 30 weeks the same week I turn 30. I'm sad to say goodbye to my 20's but can't wait to see what my 30's will bring with these girls. 

The difference 10 weeks makes. Hoping for 10 more weeks!

Comparisons

I've been thinking about this for a while and it's something I've been struggling with somewhat. 

Every woman's body is so different, so makes sense that during pregnancy they would all look different. There are times when I go to prenatal yoga and just look around the room at the 20+ people and all of the different shapes that women take on once pregnant. It's actually quite amazing. 

Prior to getting pregnant I was a little heavier than I wanted to be. Not by a lot, but I certainly wasn't super confident with my body. Dealing with infertility for 2 1/2 years also made me lose some confidence in my body.  

I tried to hide the fact that I was pregnant for about 16 weeks. I wore bigger clothes despite the fact that I had purchased a few cute maternity items earlier on. For quite a while I just looked like I ate too many donuts. 

Being pregnant with twins made things happen very quickly. I got noticeably pregnant fast. For the first 24 weeks I measured 6 weeks ahead of where I would be for a single pregnancy. At 24 weeks I made the jump to measuring 7 weeks ahead. It was like I had the shortest second trimester ever. Monday at my ob appointment I was told I was measuring 8 weeks ahead at 34 weeks.

Wherever I go I see pregnant women. Women who have cute little bumps and wear them well. My cute little bump was very short lived. 

Women constantly compare themselves to others, sometimes without even realizing it. A few weeks ago I was at a preschool for the end of the school year. It was a day that all the parents were present (mostly moms) and I sat at a table to work with a little boy for speech. At this table were two other pregnant women, both due in October. Compared to them I was huge. One woman didn't even look pregnant yet talked about how huge she was already and how she was scared she was going to get really big. Hearing that didn't do great things for my confidence. I was thinking, if think you are huge, what do you think about me?

I love my body now that I'm pregnant. I wear tight shirts to show off my bump. It's just hard when it comes to comparing to other women. I know I'm pregnant with twins, but I don't really get to meet other twin mommies to compare to. It doesn't help that the ob constantly compares me to women pregnant with a singleton as well (measuring 8 weeks ahead). I know this is normal and I should be bigger, but sometimes it's hard to feel like the huge pregnant girl all the time. 

Every week yoga starts by everyone going around the room, introducing themselves, telling how far along they are, and then telling if they've have any complains or requests for the class to focus on. I've been going pretty consistently every week. Out of the 20+ people each class, there have only ever been one other woman pregnant with twins and they never return. 

Some people tell me I'm small for twins and other people tell me I'm big. Whenever people ask when I'm due I tell them October and that it's twins. I told a few people October without telling them twins and they looked at me like I had 2 heads. One suggestion I read was to say your due date is earlier and more like what you are measuring. We talked about it but decided we didn't want to tell people it was August and have these babies arrive early. I don't need to put that out there.

I'm so happy to be carrying twins and feel so blessed to be doing it. I think I just need to meet other mommies pregnant with twins.

I've joined the local Mom's of Multiples group but the first dinner they had was on the 3rd this month. I wasn't able to go because we had planned to go to the fireworks like we do every year. They matched me with a "big sister" who lives here in the same town and has 18 month old twins. We have exchanged a few emails and are planning to meet up soon.

I guess I just need to embrace my body fully and stop comparing to other pregnant women. I am growing 2 babies. 

Feeling Run Down

This past weekend we went to NJ for an engagement party. We drove down Saturday morning and back home on Sunday evening. We stayed with family in a large house with a lot of people. On Saturday night we stayed up pretty late hanging out. I slept in some on Sunday morning but it wasn't the most restful sleep.

My bladder is interfering with my REM cycles. I don't feel as rested as I'm up at least 3 times a night to pee. It's hard to get a good night's sleep when that happens. 

Sunday was the party. I had a hard time being overly social because everyone was standing around. I'm definitely not on my feet much all day and it was hard to stand for too long. I kept having to go sit down and relax. I'm not overly social in big groups to begin with, so it wasn't super unusual. 

On Sunday when we got into the car I pulled out my pillow and slept for 2+ hours. W said the sun was blaring in my face and I didn't even seem to notice. 

Monday I didn't end up working even though W did. I drove down to Ithaca and met up with my friend Toni, her husband, and baby O. We had lunch, walked around some, and got some delicious milkshakes. 

Yesterday I worked all day and went straight from work to the chiropractor. From there I went to Target and got a dress for a wedding I'm going to in June. W met me there, we left his car and drove to the hospital to bring T dinner. We ate quickly and headed out because we had our multiples class (right next to the hospital). We didn't get home until close to 11. 

This morning I woke up and was dragging. I didn't feel great all day and cancelled my afternoon sessions to stay home and nap. I was so easily irritated during the day it was probably humorous. 

I felt slightly better after my 2 hour nap, but I'm pretty ready to crawl back into bed at 8:30. 

I'm feeling exhausted. And run down. It almost feels like I'm sick without the sickness. Where did my energy go?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining, but I guess I am. Oh well. I just hope I wake up feeling refreshed and full of energy tomorrow. Have I told you that growing 2 babies is hard work?

Firsts

I'm sure this pregnancy and then becoming a mommy will mean plenty of firsts for me. The past few days mark a big one though. 

We have movement! I think I had been feeling it for a little bit but was expecting something different. I was expecting something to feel like "flutters" as everyone else described it. Honestly, it really wasn't as subtle as I was expecting it to be. To me it feels more like a little cramp or nudge in one spot. Since then I've been feeling lots of movement. There is definitely movement in two distinct spots. 

This may be TMI, but the other night when I was peeing it felt like Baby A decided to kick my bladder at the same time. I've never experienced any pain during urination, but this time there was. I haven't had it again so I'm assuming that's what it was. Thanks little one, that was a hoot!

Baby A is tucked down super low in the middle and Baby B is off to my right side, also pretty low. Most times I feel one moving at a time but I few times I've felt it in both spots at the same time. It's going to get crazy in there!

It's absolutely amazing to feel them wiggling around. They move a lot when I'm still (like lying in bed or on the couch). I just love them so much! Feeling them move makes it so much more real. 

I also saw a chiropractor last Thursday for my round ligament pain. I found her at the baby expo and won an initial visit. She specializes in pregnancy. She took a complete history and we chatted for a bit. To be honest, I didn't love the way she presented some information. She's also a nutritionist. She didn't think the prenatal vitamin I took was any good, she though I was on a lot of medications, she didn't like Tums for heartburn, etc. She made a comment at one point about how easily and quickly she and her husband got pregnant. I just don't think she understood infertility and the things we will do to have a baby when it's not easy. Despite the not so great presentation of some information, I felt amazing after. I have felt really minimal round ligament pain since the adjustment. It's so much better than the constant pain I was getting. I'm going back again tomorrow and hoping there will be less talking and more adjusting this time. It's all worth it to get rid of that constant pain I was having. It helped a lot. 

Otherwise, things are great. W did a lot of yard work this weekend while I kept him company (aka watched). Things are looking really great outside the house.

I've also been crafting mobiles for the cribs out of felt. I will definitely post a picture when they are done. We picked our theme/bedding for the nursery and they go with that. I found one like it on Etsy for $130 and got the idea that way. It's a lot of work but I enjoy doing it. 

We went to Ithaca Sunday for a little bit and found the newborn diapers we have been buying used. I haven't seen them used anywhere yet so it was pretty exciting. I'm fine with buying used ones, especially when they look brand new. All our babies are going to do is poop in them anyway. We got 5 diapers for $75. It sure beats the $18.95 we have been paying for each one. We also brought the dogs to the dog park and went for a walk. It was a wonderful day. 

I love how happy we are. It really feels amazing to be in this place after all the sadness we experienced leading up to this point. W looks at me all the time and just smiles. We are just so grateful to finally be here. 

16 Weeks!

It really feels like time is starting to fly by. The weather has been beautiful, spring has sprung, and so has my belly. I'm embracing this pregnancy so much more and we've told a lot of people in the past week or so. It started with my work and branched out to so many people so quickly. I didn't realize how much fun it was going to be to tell people. I love the look or reaction I get when I tell people it's twins. It's totally priceless. 

Unfortunately, I had an unexpected trip to the ob a week ago Friday. I got a call that morning from the neurologist saying they had a cancellation and could see me in a few hours. I wasn't sure whether to take the appointment or not and called my ob's office to see if it was still recommended since my headaches were better. I decided to take it because it wouldn't hurt, but by the time I got back to them they had filled it. My ob's office called again to follow-up and I happened to mention some pain I was having around my belly. I've had a TON of round ligament pain recently and it wasn't the same. It felt different and wasn't in the same spot. So, the nurse recommended I come in to be seen to make sure everything was ok. I spoke with my ob, gave a urine sample to check for a UTI, and she did a quick ultrasound to check for heartbeats. Both babies were wiggling away and their heartbeats were great. I then mentioned my fears about my cervix and asked if she had checked in on ultrasound. I've 3 D&C's and worry that will compromise my cervix some. I asked her and she said she could check it or send me to the hospital for a more detailed ultrasound since she didn't trust her measurements using the vaginal probe. I told her whatever she recommended and she suggested the second ultrasound. No complains about 2 ultrasounds in one day, that's for sure. At the hospital my cervix was long and closed and the tech was great. I asked her to take a peek for genders since W wasn't with me but neither baby cooperated. I guess it's a sign I should stick to what we decided. Later that afternoon my ob called to tell me everything looked great. 

I returned this past Friday with my MiL since W couldn't make it. We got another ultrasound to check heartbeats (once again, no complaints there). Both babies were great but the scale made me nervous by reporting that I had gained 4 pounds in one week, putting me up about 8 pounds total. I'm hoping to not gain that much in another week for a while! 

Babies- The babies are about 4.5 inches this week. Their movements are becoming more controlled and their legs are more developed. Their heads are more erect (which I can actually see as a progression in ultrasound pictures) and they are developing their hairlines. They are even growing tiny toenails. 

Weight Gain- At my appointment a week ago Friday I was up 2 pounds. Last week I was up another 4! I guess I'm making up for the lack of weight gain in my first trimester. I hope it slows down a little bit. 

Belly/Maternity Clothes- I made the switch to all maternity pants last week. I joked to my sister that she did something to me over the weekend because the following week nothing fit. I bought a few more maternity shirts and started wearing them this week. I had to tell people I was pregnant before I started wearing tighter fitting shirts. My belly popped out last week and continues to grow. I know it's not really that big, but it feels a lot bigger to me.

Feeling brave enough to add a belly picture. 

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings- The nausea is SO MUCH better. Last week I stayed out late for dinner with friends and felt horrible the next day. It was like the first trimester all over again. The aversions are pretty much gone as well. I haven't had any huge cravings, but the only thing that has really "hit the spot" recently has been cheeseburgers. So delicious!

Symptoms- The heartburn has been much better this week so I'll take it. The round ligament pain has been increasing and is quite frequent. I went to a prenatal yoga class this past weekend and asked about yoga poses to help. Unfortunately, her best advice was a chiropractor or support belt. Luckily, I won an initial visit with a local chiropractor at the Baby Expo and had an appointment scheduled. I'm really looking forward to it as her speciality is pregnancy. A few women at the yoga class knew her and went to her. My energy ebbs and flows but the past few days I've been exhausted. We watched our friend's 3 month old on Sunday and I was just so tired all day. When I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffed up nose I realized why I was so tired. The sore throat still hurts but I'm hoping it gets better soon. I napped for 2 hours the past 2 days. Overall, I'm feeling pretty good though. No huge complains which is great. 

Sleep- Like I said I've been feeling more tired lately. I think it's because I'm fighting something off. I finally received my pregnancy pillow and it's my new best bud in bed. I love it! It makes sleep so much better! It's a little big to rotate with in bed so I leave it on one side mainly. It really is fantastic. I can't recommend one highly enough. Still sleeping really well but the bad dreams are back. W said it's likely because I'm feeling a little anxious about telling everyone our news. 

Mood- Feeling super emotional these days. My sister often sends me pictures of my little nephew and last weekend I started crying when I saw a picture. I really wish I lived closer to her and could spend more time with him. He also spits up a lot and I worry about him. I just love that little guy so much. I can't imagine how much I'm going to love these little ones once they get here. I'm not as moody, just ready to cry on the drop of a dime. 

Meds- Nothing has changed. My ob gladly send refills to the pharmacy for Metformin and Lovenox but was hesitant about Foltanx. She is waiting to hear what the perinatologist says before writing the script. 

Memorable Moments- Getting our first bunch of newborn cloth diapers, they are SO CUTE! We started with 10 in varying colors. 

Telling work and so many other people our big news. I'm still telling the families I work with this week. Actually enjoying telling people!

Making to move to all maternity pants practically overnight. Seeing my belly get bigger and bigger and loving it!

Seeing the babies on ultrasound multiples times. They have moved from being on top of each other to being next to each other and Baby A isn't happy about it. It was kicking its sibling in the head! They are really looking like babies now. Picture can be found here.

Installing a ceiling fan in the nursery, painting the ceiling, and moving everything out of the room. 

Attending the Baby Expo and winning a free chiropractic visit. Going to my first prenatal yoga class.

Spending time with my sister and nephew and seeing his little smiles in person. 

Upcoming- First visit with the perinatal center tomorrow. I'm feeling a little anxious about it but W will be there so that's great. We have to meet with a genetic counselor so I'm curious what that will entail. I think W will get to see the babies for the first time in quite a few weeks. I'm just spoiled. 

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for May 16th. Hopefully we can stay strong and not find out the genders. 

Prenatal yoga again on Thursday night. I really enjoyed going and need to actually going to a class to do it. We bought a DVD for at home but it still hasn't been opened. Being at a class is just so much more enjoyable to me. 

14 Weeks

I'm amazed and so incredibly grateful to be at this point. There's no denying now that I'm into the second trimester. I'm feeling much better than I was last week and I really appreciate all of the positive and supportive comments I received on my last post. I know being pregnant is scary, but being pregnant after infertility and loss seems even scarier.

I'm embracing things a bit more and feeling more confident in things. The headaches have been better so I'm not sure if it's the magnesium or the little amount of caffeine I'm finally allowing myself to have. This past Saturday was my first almost headache-free day. Things are definitely looking up. I didn't hear any more about the neurologist so I'm not pushing it. 

I did hear from my ob's office today regarding a MFM (maternal fetal medicine aka perinatologist) appointment. They said they didn't have any record of the MTHFR or Leiden Factor V despite having nearly 50 pages of information from Dr. B's office, so they asked for their number in order to get that information. They are going to schedule the appointment for me, so it's just a wait and see kind of thing. I only want to go in hopes of getting another ultrasound. I think I'm officially cut off until our anatomy scan. That's a long time when you're used to scans every other week at least. I've been using my doppler a bit more recently, but it's just so reassuring. 

Babies-The babies are about 3 inches each now. This week they are able to make facial expressions like squinting and grimacing. Their kidneys are producing urine and they can pee (and then hang out in it).  They can grasp and suck their thumbs. It's amazing to think there are 6 inches of baby in my ute! 

Weight Gain/Loss- As far as I know, still not much change. We don't have a functional scale (not a mistake) so I haven't been weighing myself.

Belly/Maternity Clothes-Big surprise, my belly is still growing. I'm still mainly wearing my regular jeans but have purchased a few maternity pairs. They are so much more comfortable but are tighter fitting than the ones I have been wearing. I wore a t-shirt yesterday and noticed it didn't just fall in the front. It got a little hung up on my belly and fit much more tightly there. I definitely haven't popped out and I'm eagerly awaiting that (I know I'll regret saying that eventually). Now that it's getting warmer it's harder to hide behind a sweatshirt. I'm still in the looking chubby vs pregnant stage.

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings-The nausea is just about gone. I have moments from time to time, but it's really nothing like it was. The food aversions are much better as well. I've been loving asparagus, steamed clams, and Fruit Loops recently. I generally eat really well/healthy for breakfast and dinner but lunch is always more questionable. Being out on the road for work all the time leads to lots of unhealthy temptations. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry so I tend to just pick something up.

Symptoms-Heartburn has been more frequent. Tums are my friends, especially the minty ones since the other ones just don't work as well. The round ligament pain continues and I've had a bit of cramping the past few days. It continues to make me nervous even though it's probably just growing pains. Shifting in bed can be quite painful with the shooting ligament pains, as can sneezing. The extreme fatigue is slowly improving. I don't feel any huge bursts of energy, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep by 2:00. This afternoon was the first time I didn't nap in a long time. I'm pretty sure I will be in bed early though. 

Sleep- It's still pretty good. I'm getting up a few times to pee but am usually able to fall back asleep pretty easily. Occasionally I have some difficulty falling back asleep, but it's really nothing to complain about. I ordered a pregnancy pillow online and the wrong one arrived today. They are shipping out the right one so hopefully I will have it soon. This past week I had a few bad dreams, but it's not a regular thing. We're only watching positive/funny stuff on t.v, so I'm not sure where they are coming from.

Mood-My mood has been better since feeling so down last week. This morning I had zero patience with the kids and felt a little bad about it after. It's really frustrating to me when kids throw items of drop them under a table or something. I know I'm not big at all and shouldn't be complaining about bending down and picking things up, but it really is uncomfortable. I try to get the kids to get things as much as possible, but it doesn't always work. Yesterday this little boy would get the item and then just throw it further away.

Meds-It terms of meds I'm down to Metformin, Foltanx, and Lovenox by prescription. I'm taking prenatals, iron (since the chewy delicious prenatals don't have it), magensium, and baby aspirin. It's a bit but it sure beats PIO shots every night. My butt is still recovering from the shots and I continue to have a few little lumps left behind.

Memorable moments-W and I attended a cloth diapering class this weekend in Ithaca. It was super informative and opened my mind a bit more. W is definitely the driving force with the cloth diapering, but I think I'm getting more on board. They are seriously super cute. We are thinking about using all-in-one diapers to cut back on the work. After, we had lunch with my friend T (6 weeks ahead of me with her IVF pregnancy), her sister, and her niece at one of my favorite places. After lunch we went to a children's consignment store and I bought another pair on maternity jeans.

We had a Skype date with my mom and step-dad tonight and told them the news. They were really happy and excited for us and it was really fun to see their reactions (since they are in Costa Rica until July). My step-dad kept saying, "Wow, twins".  

I may have felt a little bit of movement one evening, but I'm not completely convinced. 

We also assembled a cradle we bought years ago (before we ever knew we would have trouble getting pregnant). We got a great deal on it and it's been sitting in our attic since. It was in an effort to get excited and embrace things a bit more. It's SO cute, but the cat discovered it and has been sleeping in it.

I still haven't told my work but plan to do it sometime this week. I still have thoughts that taking these steps will jinx things, but I can't help it. W told a co-worker yesterday when we walked the dogs to her house. She and her hubby have been trying for a long time and I know she's had some losses. W told her we used fertility treatments and I offered up my knowledge to her if she ever has any questions. I guess today at work she told W that her husband had a ton of questions. I'm more than happy to share anything/everything I learned in the process. I wish I didn't know so much, but I'm happy to help others if possible.

This weekend W is going to a bachelor party for his cousin in Montreal. I'm going to a Mom's of Multiples sale on Saturday morning and then there's also a baby expo somewhere else. My MiL is joining me. I'm not looking for anything specific, but you never know. After those I will head to Albany to spend time with my sis and little nephew. I'm looking forward to seeing baby Ben since he has started smiling. I have seen it via Face Time, but it's just not the same.

Once again, thanks everyone for all of the amazing support and all of your wonderful comments. It made a world of difference to know I wasn't alone in my feelings/fears.

Feeling Lost

I've been feeling super emotional. It all started with my ob appointment yesterday. 

The most important thing is that the babies are doing great. They're growing, wiggling, and thriving. The ultrasound technician was super friendly and we got some great pictures. As always, Baby A was the cooperative one. Baby B didn't want to face the right direction so we didn't get as many good pictures of that baby. She switched into 3d/4d and they looked super cute. Sure, they're skinny little things, but they're cute. She told me my uterus is already up above my belly button and measuring the same size as someone would at 20 weeks pregnant with a singleton. Holy crap!

From the ultrasound we went back into the waiting room and did what everyone does there, waited. For a long time. There were so many cute big bellies and I sat there feeling like a poser. There was a guy singing along to his headphones, really annoying me and W. Once the room was completely cleared of any of patients, they finally called us in. 

Once again, we got stuck with the easily flustered nurse. She asked me to give a urine sample and I told her I gave it to the ultrasound tech. She then asked me to step on the scale. This was when things started to get really crappy. I had lost a pound. What?! I had eaten SO MUCH yesterday and was super shocked to learn this. My first reaction was to ask the nurse if I should be concerned about not gaining weight. She nodded and then retracted somewhat, knowing it wasn't really her place to answer this question. In total, in my first trimester I gained maybe 2 pounds. This was judging by my physical with my general physician on an incredibly bad week where I hadn't eaten much due to nausea. My guess is I'm about the same, if not a little lighter than I was when I started this round of IVF. 

The nurse brought me into the exam room and asked me if I had any other questions. I mentioned a few concerns I had and she noted them. Then we waited some more for the doctor. I had specifically requested the ob I saw the first time I went. The one who was so great and who also delivered my friend's little boy O. 

She finally came in. The first thing she asked about was whether I had a report from Dr. B about recommendations moving forward. When I saw him at 8 weeks he said when we met at 12 weeks we would "make a plan for the rest of the pregnancy." I guess I thought that meant he would give written recommendations to my ob and I told her something along those lines that last time. Well, at 12 weeks when I saw Dr. B he gave me verbal recommendations and answered all of my questions, but said he couldn't put anything in writing because he was no longer treating me. He said he was open to being contacted by my ob, but that was about it. 

I feel like from this initial question from Dr. Hill everything went sour. Her mood completely shifted and she was distant. She didn't ask if we had any questions and everything felt very one-sided. When I told her Dr. B recommended I stay on Lovenox once daily she cautioned me that studies show it could have as many risks as benefits. This was something she had leaned towards recommending last time I spoke with her. I then mentioned the headaches I've been having. I've been getting them daily since the weekend we went to Albany/Long Island for Easter. Her recommendation? To refer me to a neurologist due to "the blood clotting issues." Really? She also said I could try taking Magnesium and see if that helps. She didn't reassure me (like I wanted) that it was normal or okay. Instead, she instilled a huge amount of worry with the mention of a neurologist. 

I then asked her about the weight gain. She said she wasn't hugely concerned and then recommended that I only gain 15-20 pounds throughout the pregnancy. I didn't say anything but was shocked by this amount. Last time she told me 30-35. 

W and I left both feeling a bit upset. She was distant and more focused on her computer. She didn't show any empathy or compassion for our situation. She recommended a referral to a neurologist and contradicted herself with her weight gain recommendations. She left a bad taste in both of our mouths. How could this be the same doctor as last time? Was she really that upset that she wasn't going to get recommendations in writing? 

I spent the rest of the afternoon worrying like crazy. W tried to reassure me that the babies were doing great and growing and that's what was important. We talked about how there were other doctors in the practice that I could see like the one I saw with my MiL that I really liked. 

I took a bath last night and tried to relax. Instead, I came out of the bathroom crying to W. I'm so scared in so many ways that I'm going to fail our babies. Not gaining weight is a huge way. How can I be 13 weeks with twins and have not gained any weight? Sure, I had some nausea and food aversions early on, but recently my appetite has been great and I've never thrown up. I told him my fears for our babies. I really just want to be the best mommy to them in every way possible. 

This morning it wasn't any better. When I again woke up with a headache again I thought about the neurologist recommendation. I emailed Dr. B to get his opinion and once again cried my eyes out to W. We talked about how stress could play a part in it all and I told him I had slept terribly last night. We talked for a while and realized it all coincided with my discharge with Dr. B's care. 

I think I'm more upset about being discharged than I realized. I've thought about it a few times from time to time and gotten almost depressed. I guess I feel like after everything we went through it was a huge breath of fresh air to find a doctor like Dr. Br.averman. Finally someone understood what was going on and figured out what I needed. He responded to all of my questions in an amazing way and was the rock I felt I needed. No longer having him scares me. 

Maybe I'm putting too much on a doctor. I'm not trusting and accepting the fact that it's been my body thats been succeeding for the past 13 weeks. It hasn't been a doctor or the medicines alone. My body has been succeeding. I just don't believe it. I'm just still so scared to accept this all as real. 

I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm so amazingly grateful and happy to be where we are. The huge dark cloud of infertility that followed us around for 2 1/2 years has parted from over our heads. It's a huge relief to not be in that place anymore. But it's doesn't change how I feel about things right now. 

I looked briefly about PTSD and I read some about dissociation/detachment. "Detachment includes experiences of disconnection from the self or environment, such as depersonalization, derealization, and out-of-body experience." Also, "In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanism in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress."

I really don't think it's anything severe, but I do think my denial of pregnancy falls somewhere along these lines. I'm trying to protect myself by denying that it happening to me. 

As I trudged through the trenches of infertility I thought I handled it all pretty well. We went through some incredibly tough times but I remained (mostly) positive throughout. I persevered and stayed strong. It was incredibly hard but I thought I handled it well. I'm starting to realize that the scars left behind are much deeper than I ever thought. 

W and I talked about taking small steps to embrace this pregnancy. I'm not to the point of making a huge announcement to everyone, but I know I will get there. Part of this comes in accepting and acknowledging that I am doing a great job. My babies are thriving and it's my body thats supporting that. 

Please understand that I'm not complaining. I'm so happy and blessed to be pregnant. I'm just having a difficult time accepting and wrapping my brain around this new reality.