Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Would Have, Could Have

Yesterday was October 1st. This was the date that we would have scheduled my c-section had I made it that far. 

I was attached to the idea of October babies. We got married in October. We bought our house in October. Good things have happened in October. I loved the idea of my girls having their birthday in October. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. 

One of the things I learned through my job and working with young children and families is that part of being a mommy is feeling guilt about a variety of things quite frequently. It's not the best part of being a mommy by any means, but it comes with the job. 

I still feel guilt about how the babies were born. When crashed my car I was talking on my phone to my sister. I'm not sure where you live, but in the state of NY it's illegal to drive and talk on your phone. I'm sure it was part of why I was distracted and didn't react quickly enough. I feel guilty that my poor decisions lead to the early birth of my children. 

I haven't told many people that part of the story. 

I'm hoping that since the 1st has passed I will start to feel less guilt. They would be here now had they not been born 4 weeks ago. 

There's no way to know how much longer I would have been pregnant for. I may have only made it another day and my body may have decided it was ready. Or, it may have gone another 4 weeks past that day. 

I'll never forgot rubbing my belly and feeling the girls move for the last time inside me as they wheeled me down for my c section. 

I hope I feel better as time goes on and that I stop blaming myself for how things unfolded that day. If anything, I certainly learned not to talk and drive any more. 

Last night I dreamt I had a horrible car accident. One of the girls was bigger and waiting for me at the end of the road when I lost control and crashed my car really badly. 

I'm sure things will get better in time and the day will fade as the girls grow. But, for now, I can't help but feel guilty about it all.
W's mom knitted these adorable pumpkin hats. 
We took them to the pumpkin patch today. Expanding the yearly tradition to include them is amazing!
I can't believe Clara and Lucy will be 1 month old tomorrow. I feel so lucky to have them in my life. 


  1. Aww Liz, I'm sure if I were in your shoes I would probably feel guilty too. However, your girls are here safe and sound and doing really well! And they are cute cute cute! I love looking at baby pictures, especially of twins now. So seriously precious. Enjoy those little girls of yours! Hope you can shed the mommy guilt soon. Hugs!

  2. OMG so cute! Little pumpkins in the patch! Please don't blame yourself!!! know I live in NY too..and I admit I have been on my phone once or twice! Do not blame yourself. It was their time to come and thank goodness they are happy and perfect! All is well :)

  3. Oh those pictures are adorable!!! They are so precious. Hope you can move past the guilt and focus on the great job you did carrying them so far along and the great job you are doing being a mom now. Happy October!

  4. First of all, they are beyond gorgeous. One looks like you and another like W.
    the guilt you feel is normal esp being first time mum, I believe you are more sensitive and analytic. However, the fact that the girls spent a short time in nicu says they were ready to, you know that twins most of the time are delivered earlier. So, don't waste your time worrying about that but rather enjoy those cute pumpkins:)
    Sara ff

  5. They are so sweet and precious. I imagine I would be having the same guilt in your circumstances, but since I'm on the outside, it's easy for me to say to go easy on yourself. All in all, the girls are doing really well, and you're doing such a great job despite the unexpectedly early arrival. Be proud!

  6. Oh hon, this is just the first in a long line of things you'll feel guilty about as a parent. There's nothing you can do to change the past, so try to do your best to let that guilt go. The girls are doing great, and that's the important thing.

    Absolutely awesome pictures as usual!!

  7. Mommy guilt is so tough, especially those first few months. For me, it still pops up when I'm too tired to play with my daughter or just not in the mood to be touched yet she wants to cuddle. Although it doesn't really go away, it does become easier and less frequent.

    Love the pumpkin patch pics and the little hats! So cute!

  8. Love the little pumpkin hats!!! I can't get my little guy to wear hats anymore. :(

  9. Those hats are adorable. Also, nearly everyone talks on their cell phone in the car. You will always have something to find to feel guilty about. For example, I haven't met my babies and haven't harmed them in any way because I'm sticking under the limit, but everyday I choose to drink a small cup of coffee in the morning, even though I know that caffeine isn't good for babies. Why do I do this even though I feel guilty about it? I have no idea. But I think we all do the best we can in any given moment and that is it. It's all we can do.

  10. Man, I can so relate to this right now. There is nothing I could have done to prevent preeclampsia, but I still feel guilty about my girls coming so early. I keep thinking I should still be pregnant right now. You're right, though. There is no way to know if they would have stayed put or come on their own just a few days later. I am also hoping as more time passes (and my hormones get under control) that I can feel less guilty about it all.
    They look adorable in their little hats. So cute :)