Yesterday was October 1st. This was the date that we would have scheduled my c-section had I made it that far.
I was attached to the idea of October babies. We got married in October. We bought our house in October. Good things have happened in October. I loved the idea of my girls having their birthday in October. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way.
One of the things I learned through my job and working with young children and families is that part of being a mommy is feeling guilt about a variety of things quite frequently. It's not the best part of being a mommy by any means, but it comes with the job.
I still feel guilt about how the babies were born. When crashed my car I was talking on my phone to my sister. I'm not sure where you live, but in the state of NY it's illegal to drive and talk on your phone. I'm sure it was part of why I was distracted and didn't react quickly enough. I feel guilty that my poor decisions lead to the early birth of my children.
I haven't told many people that part of the story.
I'm hoping that since the 1st has passed I will start to feel less guilt. They would be here now had they not been born 4 weeks ago.
There's no way to know how much longer I would have been pregnant for. I may have only made it another day and my body may have decided it was ready. Or, it may have gone another 4 weeks past that day.
I'll never forgot rubbing my belly and feeling the girls move for the last time inside me as they wheeled me down for my c section.
I hope I feel better as time goes on and that I stop blaming myself for how things unfolded that day. If anything, I certainly learned not to talk and drive any more.
Last night I dreamt I had a horrible car accident. One of the girls was bigger and waiting for me at the end of the road when I lost control and crashed my car really badly.
I'm sure things will get better in time and the day will fade as the girls grow. But, for now, I can't help but feel guilty about it all.
|W's mom knitted these adorable pumpkin hats.|
|We took them to the pumpkin patch today. Expanding the yearly tradition to include them is amazing!|
I can't believe Clara and Lucy will be 1 month old tomorrow. I feel so lucky to have them in my life.