Viability!!!

Last Saturday I hit 24 weeks in my pregnancy. It's so amazing how fast the time has gone, and it's hard to believe how soon baby girl #3 is going to be here.

The newest nursery in our house still looks like a guest room. It's painted blue and has a full sized bed and large desk. I've been searching for a nice crib on Craigslist, but nothing really has come up. W's parents have a dresser we can paint and also use as a changing table. I think I've picked a theme/colors for the room, but sometimes it's hard to tell online. I ordered a crib skirt and am hoping it helps us with the rest of the room. It still hasn't shipped though, so progress isn't exactly happening yet. I know we have all summer, but I also feel like we were so much more ready last time. 

I'm feeling lots of movement and baby girl has even gotten the hiccups a few times. I love feeling those little movements. 

I'm still experiencing nausea and food aversion. Eating can be challenging. We spent last weekend in NJ for a bridal shower and eating was the most difficult part. I don't want just anything, so it was tough. Otherwise, we had a great time with family. It was a nice chance to re-set some of the patterns the girls seemed to be stuck in, like waking up before 6:30 and not eating well. Since getting back they've been napping better, sleeping in later, and inhaling all the food we give them.

I had my first appointment with my new OB yesterday. Unfortunately, the wait times weren't any better and I spent 45 minutes in the waiting room before being called back. Once I got called back I had to answer what felt like a million questions. It took quite a while before I got to see the dr. The dr was great! I learned this practice has a cesarean rate somewhere between 6 and 8% and a VBAC success rate above 80%. All of these things sounded great to me. The dr said my platelets were a bit low with my last round of blood work so they wanted to draw more blood that day and continue to monitor that. I was informed of the risks (and benefits) of a VBAC and signed a consent form. I then learned that this little baby is breech. I know I have a ton of time to get her to flip, but I didn't like hearing that. I feel like had it been my old practice they would have had a "told you so" attitude about it all. They would have been trying to schedule my c section then. Instead, this new dr stressed that we have tons of time to get baby to move and offered me exercises that can help. She also said there are things that can be done around 36 week to help if baby hasn't flipped by then. The chiropractor I see is trained in the Webster technique and is able to get a lot of babies to flip. I texted her and told her we better make this happen!

As I was leaving the office I was tempted to take a picture of their bulletin board. It was full of things that totally appeal to me: my prenantal yoga class fliers, breastfeeding help and support as well as a breastfeeding cafe, doula information, reiki and massage, chiropractic care, etc. It was like a breath of fresh air!

In other news we have hired a doula. She came to the house last week to meet with us and talk and I loved her. I actually talked to her when I was having difficulty with breastfeeding as she is a LLL leader locally. She's actually the one who referred me to the really great IBCLC that identified Lucy's problem and helped me work through it. Jen will come again next week for our first prenatal appointment. I'm really excited about having someone to help and support me through this process.

I've gained a total of 10 pounds now but am at the weight I was when I got pregnant with the girls. It's crazy to compare the pictures from last time to this time. Two babies make a huge difference! My belly is definitely obvious and I feel like people give me looks when I'm out with my toddler twins and big belly. I keep hearing about how I must have my hands full. I have developed diastasis recti of my upper abdominals, but my chiropractor is confident she can help me fix this once the baby gets here. I think all of the lifting of the girls has contributed to that since I didn't have it last time.

I'm feeling lots of movements, and learning about how the baby is positioned helps to try to figure out what I'm feeling. W has been able to feel a few movements, but none are huge yet. I'm craving salad like crazy as well as iced tea. I'm really trying to pair protein with most meals in an attempt to avoid gestational diabetes, but we'll see in 4 weeks when I take my test.

I can't believe we're already at 24 weeks! I'm hoping we can start to make some progress with the nursery so I can feel a little more confident about things. I'm so glad my appointment went so well yesterday, but baby girl better get on the move and start flipping! 

16 Weeks

15 Weeks

12 Weeks

16 Weeks!

It really feels like time is starting to fly by. The weather has been beautiful, spring has sprung, and so has my belly. I'm embracing this pregnancy so much more and we've told a lot of people in the past week or so. It started with my work and branched out to so many people so quickly. I didn't realize how much fun it was going to be to tell people. I love the look or reaction I get when I tell people it's twins. It's totally priceless. 

Unfortunately, I had an unexpected trip to the ob a week ago Friday. I got a call that morning from the neurologist saying they had a cancellation and could see me in a few hours. I wasn't sure whether to take the appointment or not and called my ob's office to see if it was still recommended since my headaches were better. I decided to take it because it wouldn't hurt, but by the time I got back to them they had filled it. My ob's office called again to follow-up and I happened to mention some pain I was having around my belly. I've had a TON of round ligament pain recently and it wasn't the same. It felt different and wasn't in the same spot. So, the nurse recommended I come in to be seen to make sure everything was ok. I spoke with my ob, gave a urine sample to check for a UTI, and she did a quick ultrasound to check for heartbeats. Both babies were wiggling away and their heartbeats were great. I then mentioned my fears about my cervix and asked if she had checked in on ultrasound. I've 3 D&C's and worry that will compromise my cervix some. I asked her and she said she could check it or send me to the hospital for a more detailed ultrasound since she didn't trust her measurements using the vaginal probe. I told her whatever she recommended and she suggested the second ultrasound. No complains about 2 ultrasounds in one day, that's for sure. At the hospital my cervix was long and closed and the tech was great. I asked her to take a peek for genders since W wasn't with me but neither baby cooperated. I guess it's a sign I should stick to what we decided. Later that afternoon my ob called to tell me everything looked great. 

I returned this past Friday with my MiL since W couldn't make it. We got another ultrasound to check heartbeats (once again, no complaints there). Both babies were great but the scale made me nervous by reporting that I had gained 4 pounds in one week, putting me up about 8 pounds total. I'm hoping to not gain that much in another week for a while! 

Babies- The babies are about 4.5 inches this week. Their movements are becoming more controlled and their legs are more developed. Their heads are more erect (which I can actually see as a progression in ultrasound pictures) and they are developing their hairlines. They are even growing tiny toenails. 

Weight Gain- At my appointment a week ago Friday I was up 2 pounds. Last week I was up another 4! I guess I'm making up for the lack of weight gain in my first trimester. I hope it slows down a little bit. 

Belly/Maternity Clothes- I made the switch to all maternity pants last week. I joked to my sister that she did something to me over the weekend because the following week nothing fit. I bought a few more maternity shirts and started wearing them this week. I had to tell people I was pregnant before I started wearing tighter fitting shirts. My belly popped out last week and continues to grow. I know it's not really that big, but it feels a lot bigger to me.

Feeling brave enough to add a belly picture. 

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings- The nausea is SO MUCH better. Last week I stayed out late for dinner with friends and felt horrible the next day. It was like the first trimester all over again. The aversions are pretty much gone as well. I haven't had any huge cravings, but the only thing that has really "hit the spot" recently has been cheeseburgers. So delicious!

Symptoms- The heartburn has been much better this week so I'll take it. The round ligament pain has been increasing and is quite frequent. I went to a prenatal yoga class this past weekend and asked about yoga poses to help. Unfortunately, her best advice was a chiropractor or support belt. Luckily, I won an initial visit with a local chiropractor at the Baby Expo and had an appointment scheduled. I'm really looking forward to it as her speciality is pregnancy. A few women at the yoga class knew her and went to her. My energy ebbs and flows but the past few days I've been exhausted. We watched our friend's 3 month old on Sunday and I was just so tired all day. When I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffed up nose I realized why I was so tired. The sore throat still hurts but I'm hoping it gets better soon. I napped for 2 hours the past 2 days. Overall, I'm feeling pretty good though. No huge complains which is great. 

Sleep- Like I said I've been feeling more tired lately. I think it's because I'm fighting something off. I finally received my pregnancy pillow and it's my new best bud in bed. I love it! It makes sleep so much better! It's a little big to rotate with in bed so I leave it on one side mainly. It really is fantastic. I can't recommend one highly enough. Still sleeping really well but the bad dreams are back. W said it's likely because I'm feeling a little anxious about telling everyone our news. 

Mood- Feeling super emotional these days. My sister often sends me pictures of my little nephew and last weekend I started crying when I saw a picture. I really wish I lived closer to her and could spend more time with him. He also spits up a lot and I worry about him. I just love that little guy so much. I can't imagine how much I'm going to love these little ones once they get here. I'm not as moody, just ready to cry on the drop of a dime. 

Meds- Nothing has changed. My ob gladly send refills to the pharmacy for Metformin and Lovenox but was hesitant about Foltanx. She is waiting to hear what the perinatologist says before writing the script. 

Memorable Moments- Getting our first bunch of newborn cloth diapers, they are SO CUTE! We started with 10 in varying colors. 

Telling work and so many other people our big news. I'm still telling the families I work with this week. Actually enjoying telling people!

Making to move to all maternity pants practically overnight. Seeing my belly get bigger and bigger and loving it!

Seeing the babies on ultrasound multiples times. They have moved from being on top of each other to being next to each other and Baby A isn't happy about it. It was kicking its sibling in the head! They are really looking like babies now. Picture can be found here.

Installing a ceiling fan in the nursery, painting the ceiling, and moving everything out of the room. 

Attending the Baby Expo and winning a free chiropractic visit. Going to my first prenatal yoga class.

Spending time with my sister and nephew and seeing his little smiles in person. 

Upcoming- First visit with the perinatal center tomorrow. I'm feeling a little anxious about it but W will be there so that's great. We have to meet with a genetic counselor so I'm curious what that will entail. I think W will get to see the babies for the first time in quite a few weeks. I'm just spoiled. 

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for May 16th. Hopefully we can stay strong and not find out the genders. 

Prenatal yoga again on Thursday night. I really enjoyed going and need to actually going to a class to do it. We bought a DVD for at home but it still hasn't been opened. Being at a class is just so much more enjoyable to me. 

14 Weeks

I'm amazed and so incredibly grateful to be at this point. There's no denying now that I'm into the second trimester. I'm feeling much better than I was last week and I really appreciate all of the positive and supportive comments I received on my last post. I know being pregnant is scary, but being pregnant after infertility and loss seems even scarier.

I'm embracing things a bit more and feeling more confident in things. The headaches have been better so I'm not sure if it's the magnesium or the little amount of caffeine I'm finally allowing myself to have. This past Saturday was my first almost headache-free day. Things are definitely looking up. I didn't hear any more about the neurologist so I'm not pushing it. 

I did hear from my ob's office today regarding a MFM (maternal fetal medicine aka perinatologist) appointment. They said they didn't have any record of the MTHFR or Leiden Factor V despite having nearly 50 pages of information from Dr. B's office, so they asked for their number in order to get that information. They are going to schedule the appointment for me, so it's just a wait and see kind of thing. I only want to go in hopes of getting another ultrasound. I think I'm officially cut off until our anatomy scan. That's a long time when you're used to scans every other week at least. I've been using my doppler a bit more recently, but it's just so reassuring. 

Babies-The babies are about 3 inches each now. This week they are able to make facial expressions like squinting and grimacing. Their kidneys are producing urine and they can pee (and then hang out in it).  They can grasp and suck their thumbs. It's amazing to think there are 6 inches of baby in my ute! 

Weight Gain/Loss- As far as I know, still not much change. We don't have a functional scale (not a mistake) so I haven't been weighing myself.

Belly/Maternity Clothes-Big surprise, my belly is still growing. I'm still mainly wearing my regular jeans but have purchased a few maternity pairs. They are so much more comfortable but are tighter fitting than the ones I have been wearing. I wore a t-shirt yesterday and noticed it didn't just fall in the front. It got a little hung up on my belly and fit much more tightly there. I definitely haven't popped out and I'm eagerly awaiting that (I know I'll regret saying that eventually). Now that it's getting warmer it's harder to hide behind a sweatshirt. I'm still in the looking chubby vs pregnant stage.

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings-The nausea is just about gone. I have moments from time to time, but it's really nothing like it was. The food aversions are much better as well. I've been loving asparagus, steamed clams, and Fruit Loops recently. I generally eat really well/healthy for breakfast and dinner but lunch is always more questionable. Being out on the road for work all the time leads to lots of unhealthy temptations. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry so I tend to just pick something up.

Symptoms-Heartburn has been more frequent. Tums are my friends, especially the minty ones since the other ones just don't work as well. The round ligament pain continues and I've had a bit of cramping the past few days. It continues to make me nervous even though it's probably just growing pains. Shifting in bed can be quite painful with the shooting ligament pains, as can sneezing. The extreme fatigue is slowly improving. I don't feel any huge bursts of energy, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep by 2:00. This afternoon was the first time I didn't nap in a long time. I'm pretty sure I will be in bed early though. 

Sleep- It's still pretty good. I'm getting up a few times to pee but am usually able to fall back asleep pretty easily. Occasionally I have some difficulty falling back asleep, but it's really nothing to complain about. I ordered a pregnancy pillow online and the wrong one arrived today. They are shipping out the right one so hopefully I will have it soon. This past week I had a few bad dreams, but it's not a regular thing. We're only watching positive/funny stuff on t.v, so I'm not sure where they are coming from.

Mood-My mood has been better since feeling so down last week. This morning I had zero patience with the kids and felt a little bad about it after. It's really frustrating to me when kids throw items of drop them under a table or something. I know I'm not big at all and shouldn't be complaining about bending down and picking things up, but it really is uncomfortable. I try to get the kids to get things as much as possible, but it doesn't always work. Yesterday this little boy would get the item and then just throw it further away.

Meds-It terms of meds I'm down to Metformin, Foltanx, and Lovenox by prescription. I'm taking prenatals, iron (since the chewy delicious prenatals don't have it), magensium, and baby aspirin. It's a bit but it sure beats PIO shots every night. My butt is still recovering from the shots and I continue to have a few little lumps left behind.

Memorable moments-W and I attended a cloth diapering class this weekend in Ithaca. It was super informative and opened my mind a bit more. W is definitely the driving force with the cloth diapering, but I think I'm getting more on board. They are seriously super cute. We are thinking about using all-in-one diapers to cut back on the work. After, we had lunch with my friend T (6 weeks ahead of me with her IVF pregnancy), her sister, and her niece at one of my favorite places. After lunch we went to a children's consignment store and I bought another pair on maternity jeans.

We had a Skype date with my mom and step-dad tonight and told them the news. They were really happy and excited for us and it was really fun to see their reactions (since they are in Costa Rica until July). My step-dad kept saying, "Wow, twins".  

I may have felt a little bit of movement one evening, but I'm not completely convinced. 

We also assembled a cradle we bought years ago (before we ever knew we would have trouble getting pregnant). We got a great deal on it and it's been sitting in our attic since. It was in an effort to get excited and embrace things a bit more. It's SO cute, but the cat discovered it and has been sleeping in it.

I still haven't told my work but plan to do it sometime this week. I still have thoughts that taking these steps will jinx things, but I can't help it. W told a co-worker yesterday when we walked the dogs to her house. She and her hubby have been trying for a long time and I know she's had some losses. W told her we used fertility treatments and I offered up my knowledge to her if she ever has any questions. I guess today at work she told W that her husband had a ton of questions. I'm more than happy to share anything/everything I learned in the process. I wish I didn't know so much, but I'm happy to help others if possible.

This weekend W is going to a bachelor party for his cousin in Montreal. I'm going to a Mom's of Multiples sale on Saturday morning and then there's also a baby expo somewhere else. My MiL is joining me. I'm not looking for anything specific, but you never know. After those I will head to Albany to spend time with my sis and little nephew. I'm looking forward to seeing baby Ben since he has started smiling. I have seen it via Face Time, but it's just not the same.

Once again, thanks everyone for all of the amazing support and all of your wonderful comments. It made a world of difference to know I wasn't alone in my feelings/fears.

11 Weeks

Today marks 11 weeks. I am so amazed and grateful to have made it to this point. The babies were both doing great last Friday when I had an ultrasound. They were wiggling and dancing like crazy. Baby B was having a little dance party while A did a few flips and turns. Both had strong heartbeats and measured right on track.

The ultrasound was at the hospital where I will deliver as the ob's office didn't have any availability on such short notice. The receptionist was super friendly and excited for me about having twins. A woman came to get me to bring me down to the ultrasound. She introduced herself and told us (me and my MiL) that she was a student and that she would be performing the ultrasound. She told me to lie down and pull up my shirt. I was amazed and super excited to have graduated from "Wandy". I don't think I'll miss her any.

The student took a while doing the ultrasound, but I can't complain because it just gave us more time to watch the babies. She took some measurements and I noticed the crown rump length wasn't the same for both babies. This made me worry a bit because they have always measured exactly the same week and day on every other ultrasound. She looked around quite a bit more and then called in her supervisor.

The supervisor then basically repeated the same thing, talking the student through it all. This meant an even longer ultrasound! She was very friendly and shared lots of laughs and giggles with us when the dance party got going. She took the measurements again and told me both were measuring exactly the same. The other thing I was surprised to find out was that they are not next to each other, but instead one is on top of the other. She also told me they always label Baby A as the one closest to the cervix. I guess there is a system to labeling them. Maybe it changes as they get bigger?

From the ultrasound we headed down to the ob's office. We waited a really long time to be seen and were even called in once only to find out it was the wrong Elizabeth. Once we were seen they took my weight and blood pressure again (I lost a pound), then asked me a bunch of questions. I met with a different doctor since the one I saw last time had been in a car accident and was taking a bit of time off. They thankfully told me she is okay, but just needs a bit of time to recover. This new doctor was also very nice and accommodating to all of Dr. B's recommendations. She was reassuring and we talked a little more about the NT scan. She said we could do another ultrasound prior to my appointment with Dr. B and I scheduled it before I left.

Later that day I got a call from the office asking why I needed another ultrasound. I guess because everything looked so great they didn't think it would be medically necessary. I explained the situation and she then understood better. She just left it as she wasn't sure whether my insurance would cover it or not. W and I have talked about it and I also talked with the insurance company. They said it would likely be covered, but really it doesn't make much sense to have 2 ultrasound 4 days apart since the one locally is scheduled for Thursday and the one with Dr. B is scheduled for next Monday. I think we will cancel it and look forward to our ultrasound with Dr. B.

W was really bummed that he couldn't be at the ultrasound last week. He is trying to save his paid time off from work so decided it would be best not to go. He was so disappointed when he heard how cute they were being. Last Friday was the day I really fell in love with those little jumping beans. I've been in love with the concept of a baby for so long, but seeing them move and flip was just so amazing.

Two Weekends ago we got together with our good friends who have a 2 month old. The wife is one of my fertility buddies, T so they know we are pregnant. Her husband was so amazing and accommodating to make so many food choices. It was quite the "Mexican fiesta"! From there W and I went to the store to buy a new t.v. We had been talking about it since we bought out new sectional around Christmas. The huge amazing couch didn't work with the 32 inch t.v. We had to squint to see the print when making a selection on Net.flix. So, we purchased a 55 inch with part of our tax return. W is pretty thrilled with our new purchase, especially since it's correlates with March Madness.

This weekend we had some good friends J and C over for dinner with their 2 1/2 year old E. She was so excited to see us and be at our house, she didn't stop bouncing around the whole time. She played with some of the toys I have for work and we took this great picture.
We also told them that we are pregnant. They were so excited and C starting squealing and they both gave us huge hugs. It was really fun to share our excitement with some good friends. C was too funny because she said she always pays attention to what I eat and drink. She had noticed I skipped out on the goat cheese that evening prior to dinner.

Now to do the boring pregnancy update thing. Feel free to skip but I just want to document for myself. 

The babies are about close to 2 inches long each. Their heads are half the length of their bodies and they are growing hair follicles and finger and toenails this week. The most critical part of their organ systems have developed and they have reproductive organs (that we won't know about until they are born.)

My belly continues to grow and it's getting harder to hide. This morning when I took my weekly photo I tried to smile despite how chubby I felt like I looked. Luckily I can dress really casually to work so have been wearing sweatshirts and looser clothing. I swear a co-worker stared right at my belly as I took my jacket off when I arrived at a meeting last week. I think I'm just being sensitive, but I'm sure I look like I ate too many donuts to most of the families I work with.

The nausea and food aversions have definitely improved. I'm better able to eat a wider variety but feel like I get full really quickly. I still have moments where I don't feel too great and it's generally when I try to do too much. My body is good and telling me when to slow down and W is great and picking up the slack. I started getting round ligament pain this past week. There was one time when I stood up too quickly from sitting cross legged on the floor and had to immediately sit back down I was in so much pain. Today it was more constant and even when I was just sitting in a chair. I asked at my ob appointment last week and thats what she said it was. Unfortunately, she also said it's only going to get worse.

My mood is better and more stable, especially since I am avoiding sugar. I noticed it was giving me headaches and mood swings so it helps to just stay constant with my mood and blood sugar levels throughout the day.

I'm still on all of the same meds. I emailed Dr. Br.averman earlier last week to see if things were going to change before out appointment at 12 weeks. He told me to remain on everything. I'm hoping 12 weeks brings at least a huge reduction in what I am taking.

All in all, I'm just so happy to be at this point. I love these little ones so much already and can't wait to see them again next week with W. 

Taking it Easy and Feeling Queasy

Things have started to sink in since Monday's ultrasound. The only thing really sinking in is that I'm pregnant, not that I'm pregnant with twins. 

I'm 6 weeks 6 days today and symptoms are really starting to kick in. How am I feeling?

Exhausted: I had a super easy work week this week and did lots of napping every day. I try to take at least an hour nap most days and have no trouble falling asleep at night. The other night I didn't nap and was passed out on the couch before 9. I love the weekends because I can nap and relax as much as I like. Sleep has always been one of my favorite things, so I love that I'm getting lots of extra sleep. 

Sore Boobs: I was surprised how long this took to happen. I've had cycles where progesterone made them feel so big and sore before I ever found out if the cycle worked or not. I would say this really just started this past week, but man, they are suddenly so painful and huge. They also look more veiny lately. The right one appears to be bigger than the left so that's fun. I think it's always subtly the case, but it's just exaggerated now. 

Nauseous: This comes and goes and I haven't thrown up. I just feel like I have motion sickness a lot. Eating definitely helps so I try to keep my stomach full. I was having a lot of middle-of-the-night nausea at first but that's been better lately. I think it may have been related to my prenatal. I don't mind this because it's a reminder that I'm pregnant and it makes me feel more confident about things. W says, "It's it bad that it makes me smile when you tell me you feel nauseous?" 

Hunger: I'm SO hungry all the time. It's truly impressive how often I want to eat. Snacking often really helps to keep the nausea away. 

Aversions or Cravings: I want nothing to do with meat. We have been making lots of vegetarian meals and eating lots of beans for protein. Yesterday morning W served me a plate of bacon and eggs and I couldn't handle it. I ate a few bites of eggs but was so grossed out that I couldn't eat it. I'm not really craving anything specific, but occasionally I will hear a food mentioned and then I really want it. Going to the supermarket is always interesting because of what I suddenly decide I want to buy. 

Frequent Urination: The cat doesn't want to sleep with me anymore because I get up a few times each night to pee. Our dog also dodges me each time I get up because she thinks I'm going to step on her. It happened once a long time ago but I guess it was memorable to her.  

Smells: I really dislike this symptom. I go into so many homes and am exposed to so many different smells every day. I feel like a blood hound. 

I read online what is supposed to be happening and how big our babies are supposed to be this week. I haven't signed up to receive any updates or anything. I did that in the past and then got updates about things my baby definitely wasn't doing. I even received formula and coupons in the mail a few times. So, I'm staying cautious, but still reading.

According to those websites our babies are developing a nose, mouth, and ears this week. They have oversized heads with dark spots that will turn into eyes and little nostrils that are starting to form. They also have little buds that will turn into arms and legs soon. The kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing. The babies are about a quarter of an inch long. I've looked at pictures of embryos at 7 weeks and they aren't exactly cute. I tell W they look like him or a baby dinosaur, but definitely not like me : )

I'm trying to stay positive and believe that everything is going well. I have another ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not willing to go to any ultrasounds without W for a while. This week we should get measurements on the babies as well as the heart rates. We didn't find those things out last week so I'm nervous to find out whether everything is where it should be. 

Dr. Br.averman ordered some additional blood work to see how the Lovenox was working. I went on Thursday to get my blood drawn exactly 4 hours after my shot. That morning I must have hit a blood vessel because the shot really bled and then bruised SO badly. I can't believe how big and dark the bruise is. It's probably the size of the palm of my hand and a deep dark purple. I heard from the nurse Sandra the next day that my levels were a bit low. Dr. B wants me to repeat this test and we may have to increase my Lovenox dose. I can't help but wonder if my shot mishap that morning had something to do with the results. I guess repeating will be the only way to find out.

Feeling symptoms really helps to ease my fears. I know we have a long way to go, but I'm feeling pretty good about things. Please let these be my take-home babies.

Terrified

I'm really struggling with knowing how to feel about everything. I want to be excited, but I can't help but be guarded in my feelings. My body has only failed me when it comes to pregnancy so it's hard to think everything is going to be fine. I have moments where I feel really confident that this is going to work out, but then I also have moments of terror where I worry that things will go poorly again.

I'm feeling exhausted, my boobs are sore, I'm peeing more, I'm having crazy ass dreams every night, and I've been feeling nauseous and yucky. Those are all things to feel positive about. The cramps and headaches scare me though. To be honest, I really don't know what a normal pregnancy feels like because I've never had one. I so badly want this to work out, but I'm terrified it won't. Did other people experience cramps early in their pregnancies?

I haven't had any spotting or skull crushing headaches. These things have indicted a poor outcome in the past.

I keep wondering why I wanted this. Now that I'm pregnant again it's hard to feel positive about it. I'm anxious, scared, worried, and overwhelmed. It's hard to just sit back and think everything is going to be great.

I know our numbers were really fantastic and things have never started so great for us. But I'm also not naive enough to think that just because things started great they will all end great. I really wish I could sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'm just too terrified. I'm really trying, but I feel like I'm still riding a roller coaster of emotions.

Why Symptoms are a Bunch of Bull

I haven't even started my 2WW, yet I could be convinced I was pregnant if I didn't otherwise know. After my last two transfers I was on symptoms watch during this period. What have I learned by doing this? That you can have all of the classic early pregnancy symptoms and not be pregnant. In fact, I think I had more "symptoms" the cycle I didn't get implantation than the one I did. And currently, I have a ton of "symptoms" despite having zero chance of being pregnant. 

Let's recap:

Transfer #1 (T1)- frozen transfer of 4 day 3 embryos. I didn't get implantation.

Transfer #2 (T2)- fresh transfer of 2 day 5 embryos. I had implantation that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. 

Currently (C)- Awaiting a transfer on Monday of day 5/6 embryos (not sure how many yet)

Currently I am on estrogen (orally 3x's/day) and progesterone (vaginally 2x's/day). 

I looked online at common early pregnancy symptoms so let's see:

Cramping: C-Yup. I've noticed this more since starting the progesterone on Friday. No embryos in there to implant yet, but still a symptom I'm currently experiencing. Also present with T1 and T2.

Breast tenderness: C-Not yet but I'm sure in the next few days. Again, progesterone related. This always appears within a few days of starting progesterone. Big time both with T1 and T2. 

Fatigue: C-Nope. When I did PIO (T1) and my progesterone levels were really high I was the most tired of any cycle. Not with T2. 

Nausea: C-Nope. Again, after T1 was when I had this symptom the most. Not after T2. 

Bloating: All cycles. Thanks hormones!

Constipation or Diarrhea: C-Nope. This was BAD after T2 and not present after T1. 

Headaches: C-Yes. None in the past few days but when I first started estrogen (first week or so) I had a headache pretty much every day. After T1 and T2 I had headaches. Headaches generally accompany rising or falling hormones for me. Both times my pregnancies didn't work out I had headaches for about a week straight leading up to the bad news. 

Backache: C-No, but lots after T2. I also had a lot of backaches the week before my period started after T2. 

Spotting: None ever.

Increased basal body temperature: I don't keep track. I did when I was first TTC, but it was a real pain and seemed too inconsistent. Not for me. 

Darker areolas: Never

Vaginal Discharge: Does crinone discharge count? Hard to tell when you are on vaginal suppositories. 

Mood swings: Ummmm.... all the time?

Frequent Trips to the bathroom: C-Yes. Last night I got up 3 times to pee. I did drink a bit of wine last night, but since starting the Crinone I have definitely noticed this. Didn't have this after T1 but did with 2. 

Heightened sense of smell: All cycles. 

Food Aversions: C-No. Didn't after T1 but did a little after T2 (dark meat of chicken). 

Increased thirst: Not really something I've ever noticed. 

So what can be learned from this long-winded post? That "symptoms" are a result of the hormones that I take, not an actual pregnancy. I've decided in the past few days leading up to transfer #3 that I don't believe in symptoms. Maybe if I were a normal fertile trying to get pregnant they would mean something. But, I take a ton of hormones that mimic all of the same symptoms. For this transfer I'm not going to be on symptom watch because symptoms are a bunch of bull.