Mama's Milk

I've been pumping every morning for the past few months to have a little frozen stash. I know I really won't need that milk, but it's nice to know I have it and can rely on it. It also means I rarely have to pump if I miss a feeding here or there. L&C see me pump and help bring me the pieces in the morning. We often talk about "mama's milk". Most nights with dinner the girls get milk to drink. We often offer them the choice of mama's milk or cow's milk. Although Lucy has tried my milk a few times, she never seemed to like it. Clara, on the other hand, loves it. 

Most days I'll only let Clara drink a few ounces since I only pump about 5-7 ounces after feeding Stella in the morning. I want to freeze some of it after all. 

Last week W brought home a low grade cold. As a result, I started pushing the beast milk for Clara. Saturday night Lucy woke up feeling awful. She coughed so hard it made her vomit, her nose was running like a fountain, and she was running a fever. 

Since then I've pretty much been giving Clara all the milk I pump in the morning. And? She still not sick...yet. Haha. 

It is interesting that Clara generally gets sick first between my girls. After all, she was my sicker preemie. She's always sick for a few days before passing it on to Lucy. 

 I'm not saying my milk will keep her from getting sick completely, but I definitely can see a difference. She has a bit of a cough, but no runny nose, fever, or misery like Lucy. 

It's amazing to me that when I've told a few people that Clara likes my milk they think it's weird or gross. Drinking the milk of another species is much weirder if you ask me! She's not nursing, but getting all the benefits. The best part? When Stella doesn't finish a bottle we know it won't go to waste. Instead, Clara happily finishes it. 

Milk with lunch for L &C. Can you tell the difference?

A Mom of Multiples

Even from my pregnancies I can tell you that having twins and having a singleton is very different. I didn't get really big really fast this time. I went into labor naturally (without a car accident) and delivered my baby a day before her due date. 

I know I've said it before, but life with one baby is just so different from life with two. 

As proud of I am of exclusively breastfeeding my twins, I wasn't able to do this from the start with Stella. On our third day in the hospital she cried and cried and acted so hungry. I tried pumping, hand expressing, and nursing her as much as she wanted, but she was still screaming and acting hungry. In addition, she lost 9% of her body weight and the nurses said things get concerning at 10%. I know this is totally normal, but something had to give. My baby was hungry and my milk hadn't come in yet. After talking to my favorite lactation consultant from the NICU I made the decision to supplement a little with formula. I used a syringe and squirted little amounts into her mouth as she was latched. I don't think she got more than 20 ml's total, but it was so different from the girls. I really struggled with this at the time. How could I exclusively breastfeed twins but not a single baby? I think them being preemies gave me a little buffer as they didn't get any milk for a few days. This allowed me time for my milk to come in and to build up a little stash before they started eating. Luckily, my milk came in the night I supplemented Stella with formula, and I haven't given any formula since. It was hard for me to accept at the time, but I look back and don't regret any of it. 

When the girls were in the NICU everything I read and heard said to keep them on the NICU schedule once they came home. I took this advice to heart and we kept them on the same schedule. From day one at home they were on a schedule. I rarely fed them more often than every two hours and when one woke to eat I'd wake the other. I remember when Lucy wasn't gaining weight well I was told to feed her on demand. The person who told me that didn't understand life with twins. I couldn't feed one baby on demand and keep the other on a schedule or feed one baby while the other just cried. Well, I guess I could have but it would mean feeding babies all day long. I wasn't up for that. 

When Stella was born I thought I'd approach parenting differently. There was only one baby and I wanted to be more relaxed about having her on a schedule. 

The thing I'm realizing is, I'm still a mom of multiples. I learned to be a parent to twins as I didn't know anything else. Being their mom molded me into the type of mom I needed to be to best take care of them. 

On Monday I went to a tea time circle of moms and their babies hosted by the yoga instructor I loved and took prenatal and mama baby yoga with. I noticed all these other moms just feeding their babies whenever they cried. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that looked at my watch first. 

When the girls were little we used the Babywise book to guide our daytime routine. We did an eat, play, sleep routine. It made life predictable to both them and me and it worked well for us. Even though Stella is only a month old, we've been thinking about this routine and trying to keep her awake some after feedings. I try to be sure when she eats that she gets a full feeding rather than snacking, since I can't be available to feed her all the time. I have two year old twins to take care of. Even though Stella is a singleton, I'm still a mom to multiples. 

As time goes on sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not able to be the kind of parent to her that I envisioned. The thing is, with her reflux I can't feed her all the time. Feeding her more just makes her more uncomfortable. Also, there are times in the day when it's just not feasible. 

I shared at the tea time my feelings about this and the overwhelming response was, just do what works for you and your family. It doesn't matter what kind of parenting you decide to do as long as it works for you. This made me feel so much better. 

I guess even though I only have one baby now I'll always be a mom of multiples. I learned to be a mama with my twins and that's the only kind I know how to be. And you know what? I realize that a mom who needs schedules and structure is just as great as a mom who doesn't.

We all approach parenting differently and I'm learning there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's all about what works. 

Reflux?

Over the past week or so Stella has started to get more and more uncomfortable after eating. There were also a few days last week where she emptied her entire stomach contents spitting up. I've spoke to a few different lactation consultants trying to figure out what's going on. 

When she first came home I was offering her both breasts with each feeding. This whole breastfeeding a singleton is new to me. L & C always just ate on one side, but I was under the impression that when feeding a single baby you should let them finish on one side and then offer the other. I think as a result she was eating too much and that's what was causing the extreme spitting up. 

I started to think maybe I have an overactive letdown. I can tell when my milk lets down that she struggles. She sputters, gulps, pulls off sometimes, and milk pools out of the sides of her mouth. I've been trying to nurse her in a more reclined position so at least gravity is working against us. It just doesn't seem to be making much difference. She never eats more than 10 minutes and won't comfort nurse. I've been pumping in the mornings since I'm so full and get between 5 and 6 ounces in 10 minutes. It's reasonable to think she gets a lot of milk in a short amount of time. 

All of her signs and symptoms seem to point to reflux. There are times she spits up, but other times I hear it and then she cries (silent reflux). After eating she'll grunt, clear her throat repeatedly, arch, and she gets awful hiccups if you lay her flat. She also has a tendency to sound congested. She hates her carseat and will generally scream in the car as well. 

I've tried feeding her more frequently to ensure she gets less and isn't as full and uncomfortable. I've tried eliminating dairy from my diet, gas drops to no avail, wearing her, keeping her upright after eating, changing her diaper before feedings so we don't have to put her flat after, nursing in a reclined position, and even a Hyland's homeopathic product that's supposed to help neutralize stomach acid. Nothing seems to be making a huge difference and I'm feeling frustrated and discouraged. 

So, this afternoon I'm taking her to the pediatrician. I'm not jumping up and down to get her on any kind of medication, but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I'm not even sure the ped will want to put her on anything. When I talked to the nurse last week she told me she was too young and to give it time. Poor baby Stella is so uncomfortable and cries a LOT. I feel so helpless.

My experience with L & C tells me that medications do help and make a difference. I'd hate to reach that same point we did with Lucy where Stella starts to associate eating with pain and then refuses to eat. The thing is, L & C are still on Prevacid. We've tried a few times to stop but every time they wake up screaming in pain and stop eating well. I don't really want to get her on something thats so hard to get off of.   

So I guess we'll see what her dr has to say. I'm curious to see what her weight gain has been like and to get his input. I'm hoping that something will make a difference soon and that I'll have a baby that's content a least a little bit of the time when awake. This whole crying any time she's awake thing is not fun. 

Stella's Birth Story

The way my daughter entered the world wasnt how I pictured or envisioned it. She arrived safely and was screaming within a few seconds of her birth, but I can't say I was prepared for how everything would unfold.

It all started on Thursday October 1st. I woke up feeling similar to how I'd felt all week; super nauseous and exhausted. I planned to take the girls to story time at the library at 10:30 and my mom was going to join. Sometime during the morning I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I noticed I was losing my mucous plus. Since I was already feeling super nauseous it actually made me gag and throw up. 

Not feeling much different (maybe a little more crampy) I stil decided to go to the library. My FiL also met us there and my mom rode with me. When we arrived Clara wanted nothing but me. She was crying and carrying on so I carried her some. At 39+ weeks pregnant I was struggling with carrying her. 

After the library we headed to the bakery for donuts. Once again, Clara was just inconsolable unless I was carrying her. In pain, I carried her the four or so blocks it took to get there. I was seriously ready to cry it was so uncomfortable, but we made it. At that point I still hadn't had anything to eat so ordered a smoothie and managed to have about 2/3rds of it. I was still feeling really nauseous. 

After lunch Lucy refused her nap. She cried and carried on for nearly an hour as I begged her in my head to go to sleep so I could also get a little rest. I was exhausted and defeated and wasn't able to really take care of myself. I didn't eat much of a lunch and was feeling so stressed from my day with the girls. 

When W arrived home I was so grateful. I'd been feeling crampy and having lots of pressure and was glad he was home to take over with the girls. Around that time I texted our doula Jen to tell her I had lost my mucous plug and that I was feeling really crampy. 

Since the girls continued to be cranky we decided to take a walk. It was a beautiful day so it seemed like a good idea. As we walked I felt more and more contractions and started tracking them on my phone. They were about 10 minutes apart at that time. Clara ended up throwing another huge fit on our walk as she didn't want to be in the stroller and only wanted to be carried. It was exhausting to say the least. 

We got back and had dinner. I still wasn't hungry so didn't eat much. The contractions and cramping continued pretty consistently but we still did baths and put the girls down for the night. I again texted Jen to tell her things weren't really slowing down and to give her the heads up. 

As the evening progressed the contractions weren't stopping. I bounced on my ball, relaxed as much as possible on the couch, and then decided to take a shower. I made W come with me to keep track of contactions while I was in the shower and because for some reason I didn't want to be alone. 

Around 10:30 I called my drs office. I spoke with the one dr I hadn't met yet (Dr. B) and she suggested I go to the hospital to get checked. She also said I could skip my evening Heparin injection. It didn't feel like we really needed to go in at that time so I texted our doula. W made me a quesadilla and I was able to eat that. It was one of the few things I ate all day. At 11:30 we asked Jen to come to the house. A little earlier we had told my FiL to also come to stay with the girls.

The doula arrived about an hour later and I labored at home for quite some time. Since it was a VBAC Jen suggested that at around 1:45 am we leave for the hospital. My contractions were regular and I was unable to talk or rest much during them. Jen helped to get me situated in the car and suggested I lay down in the backseat rather than ride in the front. She followed behind us. 

The car ride felt really long. I tried to stay calm and relaxed, but it was difficult. It took us about 35 minutes to get there. The final turn to the hospital corresponded with a huge contraction and I remember that feeling like the hardest part. 

We arrived at the hospital around 2:00 AM and they took me to triage on the labor and delivery floor. The first contraction I felt I tried to get onto all fours, but the nurse yelled at me and told me I needed to lay back so she could get me hooked up to the monitors. I was a little shocked to say the least. A resident checked me and I was 4 cm dilated, -2 and 70% effaced. They said they'd call my Dr and come back to let me know the plan. My dr decided to admit me and at 4 AM they drew my blood. By 4:30 I was in a room and hooked up to monitors. I had no idea how awful those monitors would be. 

For the next few hours I labored in the room. I rested, bounced on the ball, labored on all fours, walked, and tried anything else our doula suggested. At 5:30 AM Dr. B checked in and told me there was no need to check my cervix again unless my water broke or I felt the urge to push.

At 7 am the nurses switched and somehow I got two nurses assigned to me. By 9:15 I found out the Drs also switched shifts and Dr. L came in to see me. She wanted to check me and I agreed. I was 5 cm dilated, still -2, and 80% effaced. Around that time my contractions slowed so we tried walking. I can honestly say that there wasn't a 10 minute timeframe during my whole labor where the nurses didn't come in to mess with and adjust my monitors. The most comfortable position I found was folded over, yet any time I'd get in any variation of this position the nurses would come in and insist on adjusting the monitor. I don't think there's anything more unpleasant than strangers touching, poking, pushing, and tightening two belts around your waist while you're contracting. I would beg them to let the contraction end before touching me and pushing on my belly, but they never listened. Even if I was sitting on the toilet they'd come in and insist on making their adjustments. I didn't want to really be touched at all in labor and to have strangers doing it every few minutes was really unpleasant. I really feel like this impacted my ability to relax. It's hard when there are tight belts around your waist and people constantly in your face messing with them. Not to mention, any comfortable position was out since the monitors couldn't pick up a signal when I was in them. Being upright, walking, or in bed were the only reliable positions to pick up the signal. As a result I did a lot of laboring leaning on W or Jen and  basically slow dancing. I didn't realize how great it would be to have a doula who was short like me because she was the perfect height to lean on during contractions.

Around 12:30 pm they suggested the whirpool tub and I agreed. Jen left to get herself some food and I labored in the tub. They really only let me stay in the tub for about 20 minutes before they asked me to go back to my room so they could get me back on the monitor. While I was in the tub we used wireless monitors. The tub was nice and seemed to help me relax, but once again the nurses were in the room every few minutes and I wasn't allowed to stay in very long.

Around 1:30 PM Dr. L wanted to check me again. At that point I was only 6 cm dilated and still -2 and 80% effaced. She wasn't very encouraging about my lack of progress so at 2:30 I tried walking again.

At 3:30 PM a hospital midwife came in to see me. I remembered her from Lucy and Clara's birth and also knew she delivered one of my friend's babies. She commented on how exhausted I seemed, how she could smell ketones on my breath, and how I seemed to need a little push to get things moving again. My contractions had started to space out and she said we needed to get them closer together to get things progressing. She was worried about my level of exhaustion and dehydration and suggested we start IV fluids and a bolus. I was so exhausted and didn't want to hear what the midwife had to say. She wasn't super optimistic about things and really focused on my level of exhaustion. The whole time I was in labor I was so afraid of feeling more nauseous and vomiting that I wasn't able to drink much water. I wasn't allowed to have any food. Jen offered me a drink after every contraction and I would take little sips, but my body needed more. It was obvious by the ketones on my breath.

At 4:30 PM I finally consented to start the lowest dose of Pitocin (2 mg) in order to help things progress. I really feel like this was a turning point and wish more than anything I would have made a different decision at that time. I was just that Dr. L and the midwife made valid points. I was so exhausted I started to fear I wouldn't have the energy to push my baby out. I remember talking with Jen and her saying pushing would feel different because I would be more active rather than passive like getting through the contractions.

Little to my knowledge, the pitcoin got turned up every half hour. No one asked, no one told me, and I had no idea. All I know is that I went from feeling like I could stay on top of and ahead of my contractions to feeling totally out of control. Jen had told me to picture each contraction as a wave and myself as surfing those waves. To picture myself staying just ahead of those waves in order to stay on top of them. Things got so intense so fast and I had been laboring for nearly 24 hours. It was amazing to me the difference between natural contractions and contractions on Pitocin. At 6:30 the Pitocin got increased to 6 mg and by 7:00 PM I was asking about pain relief. I debated the narcotic pain medications but after a few more contractions I asked about the epidural. When the dr told me the anesthesiologist could be there quickly, I told her that's what I wanted.

At 7:00 PM a new nurse also came on. At 7:30 my water broke in a huge gush as I stood up to lean on Jen during a contraction. It was a really weird sensation and felt like a huge water balloon came out of me and gushed onto the floor. Jen happened to be right in the line of fire and her pants and shoes got covered in my amniotic fluid. She said since my fluid levels had been high that was likely why there was so much fluid. The Dr checked me agin and I was 7 cm dilated, and still -2 and 80% effaced. By 8:00 PM the epidural was in place. I couldn't believe the difference. I went from feeling totally out of control of my contractions to not even being able to feel most of them. It was absolutely amazing and allowed me to rest for a bit.

At 9:30 Dr. L came in to tell me that the baby was experiencing decelerations with each contraction. She started to seem concerned, yet let me try different positions. I laid on my left side and they came in to tell me it was still happening. They tried oxygen and switching me to my other side but the baby wasn't tolerating things. With each contraction her heart rate would fall to around 100 and take a minute or so to recover. I started to watch the monitors and I saw her heart rate falling. It wasn't recovering after the contractions and I watched the door waiting for the dr to come back. The dr checked me again and I was 8 cm dilated. It was at that time that she also discovered meconium in the amniotic fluid. I knew at that point it was likely over. The dr let things continue with the decels until 10:45 PM when she came in and said she strongly suggested a c section. We asked for a few minutes to discuss things, but I knew it was over. At 11 PM I consented to the c section and I was wheeled into the room at 11:50 PM.

When I got into the OR they upped the epidural and I started to feel really numb. I was so cold and shivering like crazy. My teeth were chattering so hard it made my jaw hurt. They brought W in at about 12:10 and Stella was born at 12:25. I felt lots of tugging, pulling, and it smelled really bad when they cauterized things. They didn't lift Stella above the drape, and instead brought her right over to be suctioned. It took a few seconds and then we both heard her cry. They put a diaper on her and gave her to W to hold skin to skin. It was then that I was able to see her little face. Originally they said I could do skin to skin but at some point that changed. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have been able to hold her because I was shaking so much. The anesthesiologist had a heater that he was blowing on me. It helped to warm me up, but didn't make the shaking go away.

When they brought me to recovery (around 2:00 am) the Dr came and talked to me. She told me that my c section was "exceptionally difficult" and that there were a lot of adhesions and scar tissue, especially on my right side. Her scrubs were covered in blood and she said it was a good thing it hadn't been a true emergency because she may not have gotten the baby out on time. It took her 25 minutes to get to Stella.

Our doula Jen stayed with us in recovery for a while and helped me get Stella to nurse. She is also an IBCLC and was very helpful. It felt super awkward to be reclined, but Stella still latched and tried for a bit before falling asleep.

What wasn't shared with me immediately after surgery was shared the following days. Dr. L came in the following day and reiterated the difficulty of my surgery. She also said my incision was "paper thin". I honestly had no idea what that meant at the time.

At one week I had a follow up to look at my incision. I saw Dr. L and we discussed everything. I asked for clarification and she said that when she opened me up I had a "window" and that had she poked with her finger she could have opened my uterus. 

The next day I messaged one of the others Drs in the practice on Facebook. She is the one who is in our local mom's of multiples group and who got me into the practice. I asked her about the "paper thin" description and she explained things further. Apparently I had a "dehiscence" or "window", meaning the muscle layer of my previous incision had separated. The uterus has three layers; the endometrium which is what we shed every month, the myometrium which is the muscle layer, and an outer thin mucousal layer. My myometrium was no longer intact and that's why my incision was so thin. My uterus had started to rupture and Stella's decelerations were a result and signal of that. 

The days and weeks following her birth have been difficult for me. I'm still processing things and having all the post-partum hormones certainly don't help. Each day I feel a little better and I know I'll be fine, but talking to friends, W, and our doula has really helped. I'm so grateful we hired Jen and that she was there to support me in labor. I honestly don't know how anyone labors without a doula. 

  I know that the most important thing is that my daughter is safe and healthy, but I can't say I wasn't disappointed and sad about her birth. Even though I wrote a birth plan in case of a cesarean section, I honestly didn't have an open heart and mind to that possibility. I changed OB's at 20 weeks, hired a doula, and educated myself about vbac via documentaries and books. I truly thought if I wanted it and tried hard enough it would happen. I wanted this experience to be healing from my last birth. Throughout my pregnancy I said the most important thing to me was that I be able to hold my baby when she was born. I didn't get that experience of holding my daughter on my chest immediately after she was born and I think I'll always be sad about that. 

On the other hand, Stella's birth was a much better experience from Lucy and Clara's. I was conscious, we both got to hear her cry for the first time, and W was able to hold her skin to skin. I held her in recovery and was able to nurse her within the first hour of her birth and she never left our sides. I labored for 29 hours surrounded by the love and support of my husband and doula, and gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I know that the Dr gave me the best possible chance for the vbac and also let the decelerations continue for quite some time before insisting on a cesarean. For everyone's health and safety it's best I had a cesarean. 

I'm so grateful to have another beautiful daughter to love and snuggle. It's been a difficult recovery physically and emotionally, but my heart is so full!

My first time holding her.

Nursing in the recovery room. 

Lucy meets her baby sister for the first time. 

Kisses from Clara. 

First family photo. Perhaps not our best, but its our first one all together. 

All my girls. 

Kisses for baby Stella. 

Proud big sister. 

I think she loves her!

Ready to go home. 

Proud mama. 

Babies!

Yesterday morning my "little sister" Andrea had her twins. She was back in the hospital last Friday after her blood pressure was high at her OB appointment. On Saturday morning they sent her home. Sunday she attended her nephew's baptism, and that night she was back in the hospital. At this point, they were having a hard time controlling her blood pressure and they started magnesium sulfate. Monday morning they started an induction with cytotec, a pill that is supposed to help dilate the cervix. All day monday she went from 1-2 cm dilated. I figured it was going to be a long road with a possible c section at the end. 

When I woke up to pee around 3 AM I saw she had texted about an hour earlier saying they had broken her water and started Pitcoin. Up again around 6:30 AM I saw a text saying she was fully dilated and they were taking her to the OR to push. At 7:11 and 7:31 Abigail and Caleb were born weighing 4.8 and 4.15. I guess she was able to hold both of them briefly before they were taken to the NICU. 

I went to visit Andrea last night a little after W got home. She seemed to be doing okay, but was still on Magnesium so was not able to see or visit the babies. I asked the nurse for a pump and kit for her and got her started pumping. The nurse was so clueless, yet felt the need to "teach" her how to use the pump. It's hard to hear advice like, just pump 10-15 minutes every 4 hours or so. What?! She also didn't know how to operate the pump. I'm not an expert with the hospital pump since I only used it a few weeks, but I tried to stand back and bite my tongue while the nurse was there. Once she left I felt more comfortable giving her advice. Her first pumping session she got a bit of colustrum. It took me quite a while before I got that much so I was glad I was helping her get started so soon (I ended up waiting at least 24 hours before I started pumping). I'm sure having a vaginal birth will help her milk to come in more quickly too. 

I had stopped at Target on the way for a few nursing tank tops and also found two super cute preemie outfits. I know she didn't have much small stuff (newborn) so I figured she could use a few preemie things. I know they won't fit into them long, but preemie clothes are teeny tiny and adorable! I had a lot of fun buying them. 

She was able to see the babies this morning and hold the baby girl. They started the boy on antibiotics and had to put him on a ventilator this afternoon. She's doing well considering, but I know the scary feelings of having babies in the NICU. Please keep Andrea and her babies in your thoughts! 

A Long Week Ahead

This week I'm taking a course to become a CLC or Certified Lactation Counselor. I knew I wanted to pursue becoming a lactation consultant but then was also faced with needing 30 hours of continuing eduction for my speech pathologist state license. In the best interest of time and money I signed up for this course. I lined up childcare with the grandparents, and have been commuting an hour and 15 minutes each way. 

The course is Monday-Friday from 8:15-4:30. To say I'm not used to being in a classroom for 8 hrs a day is an understatement. It's also an understatement to say I miss my girls! 

Hopefully the week will fly by and the girls will have a great time with their grandparents. 

As someone who loves learning , I have to say I'm really enjoying it so far. Crazy to remember all of the obstacles we overcame in order to establish and succeed at breastfeeding. I only hope I can help other moms in the future. 

17 Months

The girls are growing and changing like crazy. I can't believe they'll be a year and a half old soon. Time really does fly when you're having fun!

Lucy- You have turned into a walking fool. As soon as we took the gate down between the living and dining rooms you starting walking laps around the house. You love practicing and are getting so good at it. You're officially walking more than crawling. This past month your speech has really taken off too. You're imitating like crazy, using the following words consistently (mama, dada, up, down, rock, cheese, pepper, Ben-Ben, Pop Pop, Hi, book, stamp, pa-pa for Paci, dog, go, sss for sissy), and also still using about 5-10 signs (eat, milk, water, help, more, music, all done). This past month was huge for you as you stopped nursing (not by choice, but by necessity). You did so amazingly well with the transition and I'm so proud of you. It took about 2 weeks, but now you don't ask for it and you seemed to have forgotten completely. You're drinking great out of your sippy cup and generally eating well. You love carbs and cheese, but also love trying new and different things. For the first time in your whole life you slept 11 hours straight. You're still usually up once a night. It's getting better as you're more willing to let your daddy soothe you at night. Since stopping nursing you're sleeping so much better. You have 11 teeth and are working on your last bottom molar. You know a bunch of clothing items and body parts and love to point to them when we ask. You're understanding so much and it amazes me. You still love in and out type of play but I found you pretending to care for two babies one night and it completely melted my heart. You're wearing mostly 12-18 month clothes and you still don't need and rise snaps on your cloth diapers. You decided you don't want to cooperate for physical therapy again and the therapist is mostly working with Clara. You have been extra attached to your Mama and you and Clara both don't like when Grandma Dukes gets you out of your carseat. You're such a little cutie walking around everywhere. Someone at music class thought you were too small to be walking. You're still our little peanut! 

Just brushing my teeth in bed!

stacking blocks

Our last nursing session :(

Clara- You're also trying to walk so much more like your sister. When you see her walking it motivates you to also try. Unfortunately, you're having a slightly more difficult time. We will probably see an orthopedic to check it out soon. You are able to walk about 5-10 steps most times before falling and have figured out the slower you go the easier it is. You have 8 teeth but feel like you're working on a bottom molar. Your favorite foods are clementines. You would eat them all day long if we let you. You are trying to talk more and imitating more consistently. You say mama, dada, sss (for sissy), cheese, pop pop, and stamp. You tend to rely more on signing and are getting so much better about using signs rather than whining. It's great to see you communicating your wants and needs so effectively. You're still our great sleeper although teething sometimes wakes you up. When you do wake up you generally go back to sleep easily. You transitioned to not nursing easily. I knew you would as you happy to go with the flow most times. You are wearing 12-18 month clothes and have a rise snap on your cloth diapers. You love that you are getting the physical therapist's attention and really enjoy working with her. You're much more outgoing with people you know but still quite attached to your mama in unfamiliar or large public places. You don't want me to put you down during music class and don't like Grandma Dukes to get you out of your carseat. You still love your paci and snuggling with your lovey at bed and naptimes. You really liked playing on your slide and with jewelry and puzzles this month. It's so amazing to see you learn and grow every day and I feel so lucky to be able to watch it every day. 

It's a tough life!

Our last time nursing

drinking and driving

Lucy and Clara play nicely together at times but still fight quite a bit and will try to bite or hit one another when frustrated. The thing is, they use their sign language a lot with us but not with each other so there's still a lot of frustration between them. Opening up the gate between the rooms of the house has given them more space and reduced some of their fighting. It really think it's just a frustrating age because they are able to understand so much but not really express much at all. I'm sure as they get more words they will learn to play together better. There are times when one is upset and the other will get a paci and give it to her or they will hug each other spontaneously and it melts my heart. I know they really do love each other. 

Big girls can do this huge slide by themselves. 

Giving sissy high fives

The biggest thing this month that happened was we found out Lucy and Clara are going to be big sisters. It's really been surprising to say the least. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and scared for having three children 25 months apart, but there are also times where I look at my girls and think about how much I love them. It makes me so excited that I'm going to get to love on another little person soon. 

Updates

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Due to having shared my blog with friends and family, I've been hesitant to share what's been going on. But, I've decided I need to get this off my chest. 

I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on January 7th. They did an ultrasound and there was a large cyst on my left ovary (the ovary without a tube). Having had a positive ovulation test the week prior I assumed it was a corpus luteum cyst from ovulation. The ultrasound technician said it was hard to tell what kind of cyst she was looking at, but if I thought I had ovulated it was possible it was a corpus luteum cyst. I talked with my dr after the ultrasound. I was meeting with him because my cycle the prior month had been 62 days and I felt like a hormonal nightmare. He said he didn't feel like I needed to do anything specific, but he was happy to offer progesterone to help regulate my cycles. I told him that I had started taking Pregnitude (a myo-inositol and folic acid supplement) I had leftover from my IVF cycle with Lucy and Clara and felt like it was really helping with my moods and to shorten my cycles. 

I left the appointment feeling positive. I was feeling like my moods were better, my cycles were shortening, and I was tuned in enough to my body to have an idea of what was going on. Based on my ovulation test and ultrasound it seemed I ovulated the week prior on CD 16. That was way better than the prior month. Maybe the myo-inositol was helping. 

The next day I started to feel like taking another ovulation test was worth taking. Having been clued into my body and how I was feeling, I thought I was showing signs of ovulation. Within a minute of taking the test I had a super dark and obvious positive test. Compared to the week prior, it was a much more convincingly positive test. At one point I debated calling my drs office to find out the size of the cyst on the ultrasound. It made me wonder whether it was actually a follicle rather than a post ovulatory cyst. I never did call. 

At that point I started to feel frustrated and like I had no idea what was going on. Just the day before I had my appointment and left feeling so positive. I was frustrated my cycle was going to be longer, and who knew how many times I'd get positive ovulation tests that month. I had read that using ovulation tests with PCOS can yield inaccurate results. Was this going to happen every week? Were my cycles going to continue to be 50-60 days?

11 days later after my second round of positive ovulation tests (on January 20th) I wrote this post: 

Yesterday morning after putting the girls down I started to get myself ready since we had a play date scheduled with some friends. On a whim I took a cheapy pregnancy test. Prior to hopping in the shower I peeked at it and swore I saw a shadow of a second line.

While in the shower I talked myself down. There was no way. I knew I ovulated from the ovary without a tube. 

When I got out I took another look. There was definitely a shadow of a second line. So, like any sane person would do, I used two more tests. Both also showed a super faint second line. It was at that point that I started shaking and didn't stop for at least an hour. 

The first thing I did was to email Dr. Braverman. He said to get an HCG test done ASAP so I called my ob. They were happy to call a script in to my local hospital. 

The girls woke up and we went to our play date. It was nice to have a bit of a distraction from my racing mind. From her house I dropped the girls at home with my mom and went to the dentist. Luckily the dentist didn't take long and I was able to head over for blood work after without having to tell my mom. 

On the way home I stopped at he pharmacy to pick up my metformin and purchased some FRER pregnancy tests. I came home and took one only to see 2 lines again. 

I didn't want to tell W over the phone or text so I waited until he got home. As he was feeding the girls their afternoon snack I set up my camera and took a video while I handed him the tests. His face was absolute shock and confusion at first that quickly turned into happiness and excitement. 

I had to laugh that these were the shirts I picked out for Clara and Lucy that morning. 

Two days later I wrote this:

As I said, the first person I contacted when I discovered on Monday I was pregnant was Dr. B. He advised me to get a beta ASAP and I did that afternoon.

I called my ob's office to get the results on Tuesday. My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 14. I had taken another FRER test that morning and the line was darker than the previous afternoon. With the positive result, my ob's office wanted me to repeat the test on Wednesday. 

I emailed Dr. B Tuesday afternoon with the results and he advised I call the office and register with their pregnancy management. I called that afternoon and talked with the receptionist. Despite telling me she'd email me the packet of info, she didn't that afternoon.

I didn't sleep well all night and finally emailed Dr. B early Wednesday morning saying I'd called but hadn't gotten the information. He replied quickly and I heard from the office shortly after. They sent me the packet of info I needed to fill out and fax or email back ASAP. 

After our Music Together class this morning (Wednesday) I headed for another blood test. From there I went somewhere to fax the paperwork. 

I got my protocol Wednesday afternoon and medications are being ordered. I will be on Lovenox, baby aspirin, neupogen, metformin, and calcium. 

I'm feeling so anxious and scared. I said it's impossible to embrace this pregnancy without getting excited and I'm too scared something will go wrong to get excited. 

Things moved quickly to get medications ordered. My second beta was 73. This was a doubling time of 25 hours. I found out my insurance needed to pre-approve the neupogen so we paid for the first vial OOP at $360 so I could get started ASAP.

A few days later I called the insurance company to find out an update on the medication. I was told it was denied because I didn't have any of the specified conditions listed for the medication. They told me I could appeal if I wanted. 

We've been forced to pay for this medication OOP. One vial lasts about three and a half days. To say I'm stressed about the price is an understatement. I'm not sure whether it's worth it to appeal to the insurance company as I've been through the process before without success. This expense is really unexpected for us.  

Things have been stressful. I've been so scared and anxious. I've had three early miscarriages. I need certain medications to sustain a pregnancy and I wasn't on them initially. We want to get excited about this amazing news, but we still are having a hard time. 

Starting the neupogen meant stopping breastfeeding. I wasn't planning to stop as suddenly, but was in the process of gradually weaning the girls. I wanted it to be more on their terms, but I stopped because it wasn't safe to continue. That's been another tough thing I've been dealing with emotionally. 

We've also found out that two sets of good friends will be moving in the next few months. 

I guess you could say we were trying to get pregnant... sort of.  We really didn't think it would happen, but said we'd be thrilled if it did. I knew my cycles were long and things weren't looking too good for it happening without assistance. We had talked about going back to Dr. B in the fall around the time the girls turned two.  

I finally scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. B for next Monday, February 9th. Based on my timing, I will be 6w3d. I was so scared to schedule anything. I'm still terrified to go all that way and receive anything but positive news. 

I've been in the early stages of pregnancy unsuccessfully more times than successfully. Twice I felt so positive and optimistic between my positive betas and ultrasounds only to get devastating news at an ultrasound appointment. I can't let myself feel that disappointment again. 

That's the hard part about all of this. I so badly wanted to be able to experience pregnancy like a normal fertile person. I'm quickly realizing that will never be the case. Someone who hasn't experienced loss can't understand the fear of it happening again. Immediately I also had to start injecting myself with medications three times a day. 

So, if you know me IRL and I haven't shared this news with you it's likely because I'm just not ready. It's nothing personal, it's just something I'm not really sharing with many people at this time. I'm hoping things will continue to progress, but I'm glad to have written it all down. I'm feeling ready to reclaim my blog as my space to voice it all. 

    

Weaning

I knew I wanted to breastfeed before the girls were born. When they were born at 34 weeks I had no idea how it all would work. Luckily, both girls were nursing within their first few days of life with the help of a nipple shield for my flat nipples.

I was amazed that my little 3 1/2 pound baby could nurse so well. Early on I didn't want to say my goal out loud because it seemed so far off. I wanted to nurse my girls for the first 12 months of their lives.

There were so many days it just didn't seem possible. With Lucy's oral aversion and serious lack of weight gain I received lots of pressure to supplement or fortify my breastmilk. 

Despite what the drs were telling me, I trusted my gut and my body to provide for my daughters. I knew Clara was gaining well on my milk and that the issue was getting Lucy to eat more than anything else. 

Around 7 months we got over the hump. There were still bad days, but my goal of 12 months actually seemed obtainable. 

At 11 months old Lucy broke her femur. I had to learn how to nurse her in a body cast. When the surgeon found out I wanted to continue to nurse despite the cast she practically rolled her eyes at me. With fierce indignation I said to her that if I made it 11 months a cast wasn't stopping me from meeting my goal. We figured things out and persevered. 

When their birthday rolled around I was so proud of us. Proud of myself and my body to meeting my personal goal, but also proud of my girls for making it possible. 

So now here were are at 16 1/2 months old. Up until last week I was still nursing first thing in the morning and before bed. Most nights Lucy would nurse around 3 am as well (at a minimum). I knew the girls were getting more ready to eat food in the mornings so on this past Saturday we dropped the morning feeding. 

I'm not going to lie, I cried, but the girls did great. We had sippy cups ready for them and gave them cups in their room when they first woke up. 

Today was day 3 without nursing in the morning. I've also started to cut back on the length of time they're nursing before bed. Rather than letting them go until they're satisfied, I'm cutting them off after a minute or two and offering a sippy with breastmilk. They've done great with this as well. 

Lucy is still wanting to nurse at night but less. I'm also cutting her off shortly after she starts and then offering her a paci. Last night she wasn't thrilled about this and would initially cry, but then resettled fairly quickly. 

My hope is to have them completely weaned over the next week or two. It's really hard and sad for me because I know I'll miss those snuggles and the power of the boob.  

I never had a plan beyond 12 months and I'm glad to be finding and falling into one. I'm definitely the last one standing among my friends when it comes to nursing. 

Wish me luck as we close this huge chapter that was the last 16 month of our lives. 

1 year old

Playing footsie in the stroller

Finally able to play together again after Lucy got her cast off. 

Good morning cuties.  

One last swim in the lake for the year. 

A little over a year ago my life changed in ways I was unable to comprehend at the time. After years of infertility and heartbreak I gave birth to perfect twin girls. When I was pregnant I tried to picture my life and how it would look as a mom to two girls, but I honestly had no idea.

"I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go." This is the first sentence in one of our favorite books to read to the girls. The power of those words aren't lost on me. It's so true.

I cried so many tears, we drove thousands of miles, I injected my body with countless medications and went through several surgeries, and we spent our savings and an inheritance check from W's grandmother just for a chance to be parents. Unlike everyone, we got lucky and were given the 2 most perfect little girls.  I'll never regret anything I went through for it.

As much as getting them here was difficult, I had no idea how difficult the first year of raising twins would be. Everyone says the first 6 months are the toughest and that it all becomes a blur. It's true. While we were living it it didn't feel too blurry, but looking back it sure does! But, we made it. We kept 2 babies alive for the year and they are thriving. We are falling into our roles as parents and embracing all that it means.

One of my biggest goals was to make it to a year breastfeeding. I wanted to give up so many times. Lucy was so difficult for months to feed and her lack of weight gain was a reflection of that. Despite how difficult it was, I had heard to never quit on a bad day. The bad days were the only days I ever wanted to quit. So, I persisted and never gave up (thanks also to a good friend who was in the breastfeeding twins trenches at the same time). I'm so proud of myself and my girls. I regained so much confidence and love for my body from the experience. Unlike getting and staying pregnant,  I realized my body could succeed at something from the get-go.

Lucy- Your blue eyes sparkle and light up your little chubby cheeked face. You're still so little for a one year old, but I think petite will be a word to describe you for a long time. You are such a mama's girl and I love that. You are one of the toughest little babies I've ever met and that was apparent from the start.
You are trying to imitate and talk but won't do it around anyone else. You've said, "hi, bye-bye, yup, no, Pepper, Pop-Pop, and stop" as well as imitated animal sounds for the kitty, dog, sheep, and lion. You have perfected different expressions and I love your little looks of wonder, excitement, uncertainty, or confusion. The last month of your life you spent stuck in a huge cast. You rarely complained and you became so chill and relaxed. You really were such a trooper. When the cast came off you complained out of fear, but then were so happy and relieved to be able to move around again.
You love your sister and think it's hilarious to pull her hair while she's trying to eat. You watch her so closely and imitate a lot of what she does. Your bond is already so close and I can tell how much you love each other. Having a sister is one of the best things!
 You had a rough month with eating but I don't blame you. I'm sure your appetite wasn't the same in the spica cast. Despite your lack of eating solid foods, it didn't slow down your nursing at all. Although uncomfortable for both of us, we still managed in the cast. You love to eat greek yogurt though and often have to also use it as a moisturizer while eating it (aka rub it all over your hands and face). You also love watermelon and raisins. You missed a month of baths with your sister and are so happy to be able to splash with her again. We even got some new bath toys during that time so you're extra excited about those.
You still aren't a great sleeper, but don't tell daddy, I love snuggling with you in bed. Your daddy said one morning he found us both sleeping with your hand on my face. I guess we both like the closeness of another body in bed for sleeping.
You're a happy girl that loves music and dancing. Even when I sing horribly, you get into it and start bobbing your little head. You love to clap your hands and are starting to learn a few body parts. I love you so much little Lucy. Thank you for being such an amazing daughter and for teaching me how to be a great mommy to you this past year.

I often said the only cute part about the spica cast was the way her buns looked in it. 

Trying out a chair at Mashall's

Waiting at the dr's office

The same size as a 2 month old baby!

What nursing in the spica cast looked like.

Just hanging out in her beanbag chair.

Cast free and sitting up!

Jamming out.

Clara- Every time I look at you I see so much of myself. You look just like me (but with hazel eyes) and you're a little wild and outspoken, just like your mama. You started crawling this month and nothing can stop you. When grandma dukes came over one morning and she yelled upstairs to try to locate us, you squealed and screamed back and crawled towards the gate at the top of the stairs to alert her to where you were.
You are big on equal treatment and advocating for yourself. When your sister gets something, you make sure you get it too. When she gets picked up, you make it clear you want it to. We joked when Lucy first got the cast that you wanted one too since she was getting extra attention and you were getting jealous. For this reason I know I won't have to worry about you. I know you will be direct and clear about what you want in life. Hmmm...I wonder if I know someone else like that....
You love playing and take it very seriously these days. I'm amazed by your attention span and persistence. You love to put things in and out and will do this for hours every day. It's so awesome to watch you play with toys as they were intended rather than just mouthing everything.
You're so silly and love to giggle and laugh. I often hear you giggling to your sister when I'm in another room. You love books and even if you are upset they always calm you down. You haven't started to really talk or imitate much yet, but I'm sure once you start there will be no stopping you. You're understanding so much more and are starting to show us that.
You're a great sleeper but with learning to crawl, your have a harder time falling asleep. When I put you down in your crib you like to sit back up and chat. You used to just roll over and fall asleep but now it takes you a little more time. You started pulling to stand in your crib so we had to lower it down. That means your shorty mama had to buy a stool so she didn't have to drop you from a foot above the mattress to put you down.
You love eating and still prefer carbs and sweets. You love watermelon and blueberry pancakes. Your favorite foods seem to change often. You still love nursing but recently bit your mama. When I told you it wasn't okay and stopped you you got so upset. I felt horrible, but it really hurt. You still seem to have a sensitive stomach and spit up from time to time. When I try to give you water you almost always chug too much and then throw up. You can't help it that you're enthusiastic.
You're such a happy, lively, and persistent little girl. I love how much you remind me of myself, and although I know you will be trouble at times, I can't wait to watch and see what kind of person you become. I know you'll do great things! I really am the luckiest mama around.

So cute!

Modeling her tutu skirt mama made for her birthday party. 

Wait, that doesn't go there!

Crawling to mama in the bathroom.

Sitting in her new chair.

Looking like such a big girl!

Blueberry picking

I can't believe Lucy and Clara are a year old and we are officially into the second year of their lives. It's been the best year of my life and I'm so grateful for my beautiful daughters.

Hanging with our friends Quinn and Kensi. They are 2 weeks older.

At the zoo. 

When daddy first assembled their new chairs/birthday presents.