I've been feeling super emotional. It all started with my ob appointment yesterday.
The most important thing is that the babies are doing great. They're growing, wiggling, and thriving. The ultrasound technician was super friendly and we got some great pictures. As always, Baby A was the cooperative one. Baby B didn't want to face the right direction so we didn't get as many good pictures of that baby. She switched into 3d/4d and they looked super cute. Sure, they're skinny little things, but they're cute. She told me my uterus is already up above my belly button and measuring the same size as someone would at 20 weeks pregnant with a singleton. Holy crap!
From the ultrasound we went back into the waiting room and did what everyone does there, waited. For a long time. There were so many cute big bellies and I sat there feeling like a poser. There was a guy singing along to his headphones, really annoying me and W. Once the room was completely cleared of any of patients, they finally called us in.
Once again, we got stuck with the easily flustered nurse. She asked me to give a urine sample and I told her I gave it to the ultrasound tech. She then asked me to step on the scale. This was when things started to get really crappy. I had lost a pound. What?! I had eaten SO MUCH yesterday and was super shocked to learn this. My first reaction was to ask the nurse if I should be concerned about not gaining weight. She nodded and then retracted somewhat, knowing it wasn't really her place to answer this question. In total, in my first trimester I gained maybe 2 pounds. This was judging by my physical with my general physician on an incredibly bad week where I hadn't eaten much due to nausea. My guess is I'm about the same, if not a little lighter than I was when I started this round of IVF.
The nurse brought me into the exam room and asked me if I had any other questions. I mentioned a few concerns I had and she noted them. Then we waited some more for the doctor. I had specifically requested the ob I saw the first time I went. The one who was so great and who also delivered my friend's little boy O.
She finally came in. The first thing she asked about was whether I had a report from Dr. B about recommendations moving forward. When I saw him at 8 weeks he said when we met at 12 weeks we would "make a plan for the rest of the pregnancy." I guess I thought that meant he would give written recommendations to my ob and I told her something along those lines that last time. Well, at 12 weeks when I saw Dr. B he gave me verbal recommendations and answered all of my questions, but said he couldn't put anything in writing because he was no longer treating me. He said he was open to being contacted by my ob, but that was about it.
I feel like from this initial question from Dr. Hill everything went sour. Her mood completely shifted and she was distant. She didn't ask if we had any questions and everything felt very one-sided. When I told her Dr. B recommended I stay on Lovenox once daily she cautioned me that studies show it could have as many risks as benefits. This was something she had leaned towards recommending last time I spoke with her. I then mentioned the headaches I've been having. I've been getting them daily since the weekend we went to Albany/Long Island for Easter. Her recommendation? To refer me to a neurologist due to "the blood clotting issues." Really? She also said I could try taking Magnesium and see if that helps. She didn't reassure me (like I wanted) that it was normal or okay. Instead, she instilled a huge amount of worry with the mention of a neurologist.
I then asked her about the weight gain. She said she wasn't hugely concerned and then recommended that I only gain 15-20 pounds throughout the pregnancy. I didn't say anything but was shocked by this amount. Last time she told me 30-35.
W and I left both feeling a bit upset. She was distant and more focused on her computer. She didn't show any empathy or compassion for our situation. She recommended a referral to a neurologist and contradicted herself with her weight gain recommendations. She left a bad taste in both of our mouths. How could this be the same doctor as last time? Was she really that upset that she wasn't going to get recommendations in writing?
I spent the rest of the afternoon worrying like crazy. W tried to reassure me that the babies were doing great and growing and that's what was important. We talked about how there were other doctors in the practice that I could see like the one I saw with my MiL that I really liked.
I took a bath last night and tried to relax. Instead, I came out of the bathroom crying to W. I'm so scared in so many ways that I'm going to fail our babies. Not gaining weight is a huge way. How can I be 13 weeks with twins and have not gained any weight? Sure, I had some nausea and food aversions early on, but recently my appetite has been great and I've never thrown up. I told him my fears for our babies. I really just want to be the best mommy to them in every way possible.
This morning it wasn't any better. When I again woke up with a headache again I thought about the neurologist recommendation. I emailed Dr. B to get his opinion and once again cried my eyes out to W. We talked about how stress could play a part in it all and I told him I had slept terribly last night. We talked for a while and realized it all coincided with my discharge with Dr. B's care.
I think I'm more upset about being discharged than I realized. I've thought about it a few times from time to time and gotten almost depressed. I guess I feel like after everything we went through it was a huge breath of fresh air to find a doctor like Dr. Br.averman. Finally someone understood what was going on and figured out what I needed. He responded to all of my questions in an amazing way and was the rock I felt I needed. No longer having him scares me.
Maybe I'm putting too much on a doctor. I'm not trusting and accepting the fact that it's been my body thats been succeeding for the past 13 weeks. It hasn't been a doctor or the medicines alone. My body has been succeeding. I just don't believe it. I'm just still so scared to accept this all as real.
I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm so amazingly grateful and happy to be where we are. The huge dark cloud of infertility that followed us around for 2 1/2 years has parted from over our heads. It's a huge relief to not be in that place anymore. But it's doesn't change how I feel about things right now.
I looked briefly about PTSD and I read some about dissociation/detachment. "Detachment includes experiences of disconnection from the self or environment, such as depersonalization, derealization, and out-of-body experience." Also, "In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanism in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress."
I really don't think it's anything severe, but I do think my denial of pregnancy falls somewhere along these lines. I'm trying to protect myself by denying that it happening to me.
As I trudged through the trenches of infertility I thought I handled it all pretty well. We went through some incredibly tough times but I remained (mostly) positive throughout. I persevered and stayed strong. It was incredibly hard but I thought I handled it well. I'm starting to realize that the scars left behind are much deeper than I ever thought.
W and I talked about taking small steps to embrace this pregnancy. I'm not to the point of making a huge announcement to everyone, but I know I will get there. Part of this comes in accepting and acknowledging that I am doing a great job. My babies are thriving and it's my body thats supporting that.
Please understand that I'm not complaining. I'm so happy and blessed to be pregnant. I'm just having a difficult time accepting and wrapping my brain around this new reality.