It Was All SO Good!

I always think of Christmas as one of our lowest points with infertility. Christmas is the time when everyone celebrates their families. It's the time of year when it's very lonely for those who don't have kids. Four years ago we celebrated our hardest Christmas ever. We had just failed another cycle (our first cycle with Braverman) and hope was all but lost. We had tried his immune treatments and still didn't have success. About a week before that Christmas we attended our first adoption orientation and started to look in that direction. On Christmas Eve, Walt's cousin announced she was pregnant after they had just gotten married in June. It was hard. We barely made it through and I distinctly remember throwing up in the driveway after Christmas dinner and too many drinks.

This year couldn't have felt any different. We did so many fun and festive things as a family this Christmas season. We went to Lights on the Lake and the girls loved driving through the light tunnels and seeing the princesses. We cut down our Christmas tree as a family and enjoyed the hot chocolate and popcorn they had to offer for free after. We hung ornaments and lights on our tree together and listened to Christmas music. We got the girls their own little Christmas trees for their bedroom that they decorated with lights and ornaments. We made a whole bunch of handprint cards and went to a nursing home to hand them out and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. We had a book advent calendar and opened a Christmas book every day to read. We made a few batches of Christmas cookies and enjoyed them immensely. We attended the Mom's of Multiples Christmas party and built a snowman. We saw Santa and had very mixed results. We went sledding for the first time as W had a few days off before Christmas and the girls LOVED it! We also got to go to Lucy and Clara's preschool for a Christmas tea and to see them sing holiday songs. In addition, we attended a Christmas Eve church service and had dinner with W's parents for Christmas Eve. Boody Mary's, my in laws, and pajamas at home on Christmas morning. It was all so good!!

Our Christmas card

Our snowman we built

Christmas pajamas

Our book advent calendar before I wrapped them all. 

We got a fireplace this year too! I loved decorating it. 

MMM Christmas party

Library fun 

Our Christmas tree!

Where we get our tree

Hot chocolate after tree hunting

Santa cookies!

Decorating our tree

Post bath crazy Santa 

decorating the tree at pop pop and Grandma Becky's house 

Baking cookies with grandma becky and pop pop 

After singing Christmas songs at preschool 

My girls

Sledding with Daddy. So much fun!!

Ready for swim lessons

Close encounter!

Christmas Eve church service 

Christmas Eve Dinner 

Reading The Night Before Christmas

Daddy's last day off so we went for carousel rides. 

This holiday season I can't forget how lucky I am to have everything we have. I have THREE beautiful girls that make life feel so full. They fill my days with laughter and joy as well as frustration from time to time. I have an amazing husband who works hard every day and a job he loves to provide for our family. He is such an amazing hands on daddy to our girls and we're all so lucky to have him.

I just feel so lucky and blessed to be where we are now. I know how lucky we are because I've seen the other side of that. I've felt heartbreak as we waited for our turn to be parents. We were so close to giving up.

"When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time." I'm beyond grateful I emailed Dr. Braverman when it felt like all hope was lost and he told me I had to give it one more try after that unsuccessful December cycle. He told me I had to try at least one more time in order to know if the treatment was successful or not. When all hope felt lost I had a glimmer of hope in his reply. That glimmer turned into an IVF cycle at his clinic the following month. That next month I got pregnant with twins after the hardest Christmas ever. One month and a little hope was all it took to change our fate beyond belief.

The Other Night I Saw a Medium

Last week a group of my friends all got together and had a medium come do a reading. This group of friends was actually my fertility buddies and we found out we all had this similar interest a few months prior when we saw the Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo. We had fun at this show, but none of us actually got a reading done. It was a huge theater and she came close to us but didn't really seem to connect anything. Regardless, we all had a great time.

When we talked about that showed after we all said it would be fun to do a smaller reading. One of my friends started doing research and we all decided on a date. I didn't think about it much going into it or really have any expectations. My grandmother passed away a few summers ago but she was 94 and I was able to say good-bye. The best thing to say was I wasn't exactly expecting to connect with anyone.

The reading was so fun and interesting. There were 9 of us there plus the medium. She was actually quite a bit younger than I expected, although I'm not really sure why. I'm not going to go into specific details about what she told other people because I can't really remember those details well enough to reproduce them. She did however come to me at some point as I connected to a date she stated. Without getting too specific, she kept mentioning butterflies and I couldn't really connect much to that. She was talking about my twins and butterflies and someone who wanted to say hi first to my sister and then me (my sister wasn't there). This person was also concerned about my sister financially. At the time I couldn't make any real connection to the butterflies or anything too specific. When I told my sister about it the next day she was also confused at first. Then she mentioned my mom's close friend Susie. Susie was our neighbor growing up and was present at my birth. My sister was in her wedding and then later rented her house. Susie pasted away two years ago from ovarian cancer. She was one is the nicest people I ever met. Just so incredibly kind. She was also super crafty. When my sister mentioned Susie, for some reason my mind immediately went to my baby shower and the card she made me. In that moment I knew I had to find that card. I went up to Lucy and Clara's room and quickly found the stack of cards in their dresser. I flipped through them and was amazed to find the card Susie made me. On the front were two butterflies and the word "Twins". 

The medium gave everyone she did a reading with a piece of paper with notes she took on it. She wrote the word butterflies twice on my paper, both on the front and back. She also drew a picture and next to it wrote, "gift that is given" and "art piece with the twins". 

When I messaged her daughter (who is a few years younger than me) she said her mom always loved butterflies and that she has butterflies all over her house to remember her. She said she still feels her mom's presence and often dreams about her. My sister had a very vivid dream about her a few months ago and said she woke up crying. In it Susie was sitting in her old house in a chair and had all of her hair (she lost it with chemo treatments) and was just beaming with a huge smile. She gave my sister a huge hug and that's when she woke up crying. My sister also moved out of her house without paying all of her rent. She's always struggling financially. 

I'm not trying to convince any one of anything, but what I can say is it was a really amazing experience. I also realized after while she was talking to me she said the name Robert about 3 times. I didn't make any connection at the time and someone said it was their cousin's middle name, but that wasn't the connection either. When I thought about it the next day I remembered my step-father's dad was Bob, or Robert. I didn't think about him because we always just called him Bob. I wonder now if maybe that was him. 

I just wanted to share this awesome experience and document it so I can look back on it someday. If anyone was ever considering seeing a medium, I can say from my two experiences that they definitely reported things that a stranger couldn't possibly know. They made some amazing connections and I truly enjoyed it. 

Connected

One of the biggest things I have struggled with since having children, is feeling connected to my spouse in my marriage. Having kids definitely shifted the focus and changed things for us. 

Prior to having children, we got along great. We never really "worked" on our marriage because it didn't feel like work. Sure, life got busy at times with school, work, or our house, but nothing like having three kids in two years busy. We were still pretty able to focus on each other a lot of the time. When we went through infertility, it just brought us closer together. We worked together towards a common goal and supported each other. When things got tough, we got through it together. We were a great team. 

That's not to say we aren't now, It's just saying it's much more challenging. Between the kids and the house, there are days when I don't have a ton of patience by the time W gets home. I don't necessarily want to hear about his day at work. I don't want to give him a hug because I've had children climbing on me all day, even while I went to the bathroom. While we parent together, things still get frustrating. We argue much more easily. We don't put each other first because life is busy. Some days it just feels like we're constantly in survival mode. Between getting up multiple times at night for multiple children, a tough morning of someone being cranky, tantrums throughout the day, the house to pick up and stay on top of, the children to discipline and keep busy and from fighting, the stress of getting to activities on time and without anyone losing it, and just plain life it's tough to feel as connected as we once were. 

Most nights we try to have the house picked up before we head upstairs for our bedtime routine (baths, stories, songs, etc). That means when we get back downstairs and it's just us we don't have a ton to do. The main exception to this is folding laundry. Some nights we have that waiting for us as it's tough to find the time to fold clothes for five people. This is the time we should really be focusing on each other, but usually we're just too exhausted. We turn the t.v on and zone out to that or our phones. It's not like we ignore each other or go to different places. We are still sitting together on the couch, it's just tough to feel connected in those moments. 

To help change this we have started trying to have a regular date night. We have gone out a few nights to dinner or a movie and either had a grandparent come over or a sitter. We are still working on finding a consistent and good babysitter we can trust. I'm just sure exactly how to do that to be honest. We have tried a few different people and haven't found anyone I feel can handle my three. 

Apart from date nights we haven't done much. I'd love to unplug some of the couch at night, but I feel like we're both just so exhausted. We really don't get much time with just us. We haven't ever gone on an overnight other than to the hospital to have Stella. 

I love that W supports me in my new ideas and as a parent. He is an amazing father and provider for our family. If I want to try something new he's generally on board. If I want to eat super healthy, he's right there along with me rather than buying and eating junk like other husbands I know. He supports me emotionally, but we just don't have a ton of time for each other. There isn't a lot of time where we focus solely on the other person and their happiness. 

I guess I'm wondering how other couples stay and feel connected? Are there other things we could try or do or should I just accept that this is life with three kids two years apart? In general we communicate well, I just feel like life is too busy and difficult for the time and attention we once paid each other. At to be honest, I really miss that. 

Frozen Halloween 2016

Happy Halloween from my frozen obsessed family! The girls had so much fun trick or treating and we ended the night with a nice hot bubble bath to warm up. I had so much fun with the costumes this year. I made capes for Lucy and Clara, Stella's Olaf costume, and my and W's costumes. Lucy and Clara dressed up for their preschool parade and party, for dance class saturday morning, for story time on Halloween, and for Daddy's work party. We were frozen in more ways than just our costumes. The morning of their preschool parade we woke up to snow on the ground. It was in the 30's and raining during their parade/trick or treating. Last night it 35 degree as we left the house to go trick or treating, hence the bubble bath after. It was so much fun to all get dressed up. W and I even got into it this year too. It was so fun to have a family costume. I hope everyone had a great Halloween!

Snack time at the library. Stella was so excited to be at the table like a big girl!

The capes I made them 

Costumes at dance class

Trick or treating with preschool

The pumpkins we carved with friends. So much fun!

Summer Vacation

It's hard to believe it's already fall and another summer has come and gone. Here is upstate NY the summers are so short and sweet. I love summer more than any other season and just wish it would last a little longer.

 The second week of August we took a vacation to the Outer Banks, North Carolina. We rented a house with a friend and her family. I met this friend through the local moms of multiples group and she has twin boys that are a few months older than Stella. We rented a three bedroom house in Kitty Hawk and had a fantastic week. Our friends had an awesome setup for the beach complete with a large tent and blow up kiddie pool. The house had a hot tub and in ground small pool we also enjoyed. It was a week full of tons of beach time, fun with friends, and delicious food. The girls did great on the car ride down and we had a rough hour or so on the way home. Not bad for 10 hours or so each way. On the trip down we stopped in Virginia Beach and then spent the following day at the aquarium before driving to the beach house. The trip included many firsts like smores, kite flying, shaved ice, and mini golfing. Lucy even started jumping in the pool without her float. It really was so great! 

Our friends were great and we got along with them despite only meeting the husband once before. To be honest, I know a lot of my friends husbands aren't super helpful with their kids, but it was tough to sit back and watch. It was fine for us, but I'm just glad I'm raising children with the person I am. I know different dynamics work for different people, but I know I wouldn't be happy if I were doing 90% of the work 100% of the time. It's nice to know that when W is home, everything is split at least 50/50. 

It was so nice to go somewhere different as we went to the beach in Maine the past two years. I hope we can go back another time as I have memories as a child going to the outer banks. It was so much fun and the weather was beautiful. I'm so grateful for these memories I got to make with my family.