2016 in Review

I've done this post every year for the past few years and I always enjoy doing it. Even though we are part of the way through February already, it's always nice to reflect back on the past year. Reading this post for last year makes me sad I didn't keep up with blogging much this past year. I'd love to recap what I did each month like each prior year, but I'm afraid I didn't keep close enough track to do that.



What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before? 
I took my diet/nutrition seriously and lost a lot of weight. I did the 21 day fix in February and then a round of Whole 30 over the summer. I got back to the weight I was 7 years ago when we got married. Losing all this weight unfortunately ended up in the loss of my wedding ring as it no longer fit my finger and I was still wearing it. Good thing we had insurance and I was able to get a new one, but it was pretty devastating. 
We took a road trip with the kids to North Carolina. We had done vacations, but always flew. This was our first big car trip with all three girls. 

Did you keep your resolutions and will you make more for this year?
I did a great job of trying to get and stay healthier this year. I'm so proud of myself for all of the weight I lost (about 25 pounds) and the shape I'm in. I'm able to run a 5k no problem and with a pretty decent time. Cutting out sugar is a big deal but starches was an even bigger deal. I feel like I got my PCOS under control and learned to listen to my body and how food makes me feel. The Whole 30 was seriously life changing and I'd love to keep up that way of eating as much as possible. I'd also like to make healthier choices regarding exercise and our evening routine. Most nights we don't accomplish much and veg out to the television. It would be nice to spend that time doing more reading or productive tasks. When the weather is nicer it's much easier to feel motivated. I hope to do more running this year and maybe even do a 10k. I also really wish I kept up with this blog better. I'd like to at least do a monthly update post on our lives to have it written down somewhere. Life is so crazy it's hard to find the time though. 

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Michele welcomed a baby boy Benjamin in January. 

Did anyone close to you die?
Luckily, no. 

What countries did you visit?
We stayed in the US but did take a trip to my parent's condo in Florida. It was such a nice trip and we plan to go again this year. Much better than our trip to Mexico the year prior. 

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
I would love to lose another 10 pounds and get into the 120's. Taking care of myself and filling my own cup has been so huge for me. W and I struggled some but really communicated well in the end and made some huge realizations. I'd like to make healthier choices that my girls can witness and internalize. 

What dates will be etched upon your memory, and why?
September 3- Lucy and Clara's third ice cream birthday 
October 3- Stella's first Fiesta birthday!
I'm so bad with remembering dates all that's left here is birthdays

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Taking care of myself and putting myself first for the first time in a long time. It felt so great to have "me time" at the gym and put energy and effort into myself, not always just my kids. W really stepped it up to make this happen by watching all three girls most evenings and preparing dinner while I went to the gym. 

What was your biggest failure?
I can't really think of any ways I feel I really failed this past year. W and I struggled with communication, but things are better now and we are seeing eye to eye more consistently. Making time for each other and date nights has made a huge difference. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got food poisoning in the fall and for the first time since having children felt entirely unable to care for them. It was so bad. Other than that, no major illnesses. Clara and Stella both got ear tubes. 

What was the best thing you bought?
We took two amazing vacations this past year that I funded by working part-time. Our first one was to Florida. It was so nice to get away from Central New York in the winter and have some family time. We had a great trip with some super fun beach time. We also took a trip to North Carolina with friends in August. It was so much fun to be at a beach house all week with our family. I hope we can do that again. 

Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, bills, food, car, endless amounts of cute kid/baby things. I'm pretty sure this will be the case for a while. I discovered a new kids clothing line this year and spent far too much on it. Luckily the resale value is good!

What did you get really excited about? 
Our vacations and family time. Finally succeeding at losing weight and making progress with my endurance and speed with running. I'd love to do a 10k this year.

What songs will always remind you of 2015?
Renegades by X Ambassadors
Send My Love by Adele
Can't Stop the Feeling and Get Back up Again from the Trolls movie

Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier or Sadder? Definitely happier. Putting time and energy into myself has been huge for me. I'm happy with my weight for the first time in a long time and feeling stronger and more confident at the gym. I got a Y membership for Christmas from my FiL and have been going at least a few times a week.  
Thinner or Fatter? Thinner! I weigh less than I did when we got married 7.5 years ago. I think I'm back to my college weight!
Richer or Poorer? Probably the same

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saving money haha
What do you wish you'd done less of? 
Arguing and fighting with W. Having three young kids is a huge challenge on our marriage. Amazingly enough, cutting out sugar has made us so much nicer to each other, especially in the mornings. We had a tendency to snap at each other from being crashed and notice we both feel so much more even tempered when we don't consume tons of sugar. 

How did you spend Christmas?
We went to Syracuse for church on Christmas Eve with my MiL and then had dinner at my in-laws after. On Christmas morning my in laws came over after we had breakfast and we opened presents and drank bloody marys. We celebrated with my mom at her house about a week prior as they went to Florida for Christmas. My dad came out a week or two after Christmas for the day to celebrate. We never celebrated with my sister :(

What was your favorite TV program?
We watched a bunch of Naked and Afraid. Prior, we had been totally turned off by the title, but once we realized what it was about we watched it a bunch. 
What was your favorite book of the year?
Wish I had gotten to read more. Even though we started book club back up I still haven't gotten to read any of the books. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch watching T. V.

What were your favorite films of the year?
We saw the Trolls movie at the theatre with Lucy and Clara. It was their first time to the movies and so much fun! It was a super cute movie too. 

What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I wish I could contribute more financially but it's worth it to be home rather than working every day. 

What kept you sane?
W and my friends. I love my fertility buddies and that we still get together often. Winter is always tough for friendships as we don't live super close to any of my friends. I guess my phone really keeps me sane because it keeps me in contact with the outside world. I wish I got to see my friends more often, but hopefully that will improve with nicer weather. 

Tell us valuable lessons you learned in 2016:
It's so important to fill your own cup as a mom. I spent so much time filling up everyone else's cup and never really prioritized myself. It's worth it to put yourself first because you are much better able to fill the cups of those around you when you're pouring from a full one. 

Diet is so much more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss. I learned a lot by doing a round of Whole 30. I'd love to complete another round and reap the benefits, it's just so hard in our culture to eat well. PCOS feels like so much less of an issue when I fuel my body with the right foods. I wish I had figured this out sooner. 

Transitions

It's safe to say my family has gone through a huge transition with the birth of Stella. L & C had only ever spent 3 nights total away from us when they went to stay with my in laws while we were in the hospital. Bringing Stella home is one of the biggest changes we've all gone through. 

Our first few days home as a family of five were challenging to say the least. I think having a c section and being unprepared didn't help. I went from doing almost everything for the girls to being unable to do a lot of simple things. I couldn't lift them, change diapers very easily, help bathe them, or carry them. It was tough for everyone. Top that with post-partum hormones and feeling guilty for turning their lives upside down and it's safe to say there were a lot of tears from everyone. Clara in particular had a really tough first few days. There were a lot of tantrums, time outs, and tears.

W and I are trying to be as consistent as possible with the girls. Now that I'm feeling better and more able to help, they are doing much better. They really do love their baby sister and I often find them bringing her blankets, pacifiers, toys, and giving her kisses and fist bumps. They talk about her all the time and ask about her if they don't immediately see her. They also seem to have a lot more patience for her crying (especially in the car) than I do. When I put her in the car seat they'll come over and say "baby happy" in hopes that she doesn't scream her head off like usual.  

It seems at this point a lot of the issues we're seeing with the girls are just typical two year old things. They fight over things like good sisters and don't have enough language to fully communicate their wants and needs, especially when they get emotional. Sometimes I think life would be easier if we waited a little longer to have another baby, but I'm also excited for my girls to grow up together. I know before long the girls won't even remember a time without Stella in our family. The thing about infertility is you don't really get to plan your family and time things "perfectly". 

Tomorrow W goes back to work and I take back over. I have help lined up a few days a week (my FiL is taking the girls to gymnastics every wednesday and my MiL has agreed to help Tuesdays). My mom has also said she'd help but it really depends so much on her mood how much she's able to do. I'm super nervous about having to care for all three girls mostly alone, but I'm also somewhat looking forward it. Having him home has been amazing and great, but in some ways it makes life more difficult. Getting out the door always seems to take longer with him and I don't feel like he's as firm with the girls. I've noticed a lot more negotiating and whining/crying since he's been home. 

Wish me luck (and a TON of patience) tomorrow as I take over with my three amazing little girls. I can do this!

Stella's Birth Story

The way my daughter entered the world wasnt how I pictured or envisioned it. She arrived safely and was screaming within a few seconds of her birth, but I can't say I was prepared for how everything would unfold.

It all started on Thursday October 1st. I woke up feeling similar to how I'd felt all week; super nauseous and exhausted. I planned to take the girls to story time at the library at 10:30 and my mom was going to join. Sometime during the morning I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I noticed I was losing my mucous plus. Since I was already feeling super nauseous it actually made me gag and throw up. 

Not feeling much different (maybe a little more crampy) I stil decided to go to the library. My FiL also met us there and my mom rode with me. When we arrived Clara wanted nothing but me. She was crying and carrying on so I carried her some. At 39+ weeks pregnant I was struggling with carrying her. 

After the library we headed to the bakery for donuts. Once again, Clara was just inconsolable unless I was carrying her. In pain, I carried her the four or so blocks it took to get there. I was seriously ready to cry it was so uncomfortable, but we made it. At that point I still hadn't had anything to eat so ordered a smoothie and managed to have about 2/3rds of it. I was still feeling really nauseous. 

After lunch Lucy refused her nap. She cried and carried on for nearly an hour as I begged her in my head to go to sleep so I could also get a little rest. I was exhausted and defeated and wasn't able to really take care of myself. I didn't eat much of a lunch and was feeling so stressed from my day with the girls. 

When W arrived home I was so grateful. I'd been feeling crampy and having lots of pressure and was glad he was home to take over with the girls. Around that time I texted our doula Jen to tell her I had lost my mucous plug and that I was feeling really crampy. 

Since the girls continued to be cranky we decided to take a walk. It was a beautiful day so it seemed like a good idea. As we walked I felt more and more contractions and started tracking them on my phone. They were about 10 minutes apart at that time. Clara ended up throwing another huge fit on our walk as she didn't want to be in the stroller and only wanted to be carried. It was exhausting to say the least. 

We got back and had dinner. I still wasn't hungry so didn't eat much. The contractions and cramping continued pretty consistently but we still did baths and put the girls down for the night. I again texted Jen to tell her things weren't really slowing down and to give her the heads up. 

As the evening progressed the contractions weren't stopping. I bounced on my ball, relaxed as much as possible on the couch, and then decided to take a shower. I made W come with me to keep track of contactions while I was in the shower and because for some reason I didn't want to be alone. 

Around 10:30 I called my drs office. I spoke with the one dr I hadn't met yet (Dr. B) and she suggested I go to the hospital to get checked. She also said I could skip my evening Heparin injection. It didn't feel like we really needed to go in at that time so I texted our doula. W made me a quesadilla and I was able to eat that. It was one of the few things I ate all day. At 11:30 we asked Jen to come to the house. A little earlier we had told my FiL to also come to stay with the girls.

The doula arrived about an hour later and I labored at home for quite some time. Since it was a VBAC Jen suggested that at around 1:45 am we leave for the hospital. My contractions were regular and I was unable to talk or rest much during them. Jen helped to get me situated in the car and suggested I lay down in the backseat rather than ride in the front. She followed behind us. 

The car ride felt really long. I tried to stay calm and relaxed, but it was difficult. It took us about 35 minutes to get there. The final turn to the hospital corresponded with a huge contraction and I remember that feeling like the hardest part. 

We arrived at the hospital around 2:00 AM and they took me to triage on the labor and delivery floor. The first contraction I felt I tried to get onto all fours, but the nurse yelled at me and told me I needed to lay back so she could get me hooked up to the monitors. I was a little shocked to say the least. A resident checked me and I was 4 cm dilated, -2 and 70% effaced. They said they'd call my Dr and come back to let me know the plan. My dr decided to admit me and at 4 AM they drew my blood. By 4:30 I was in a room and hooked up to monitors. I had no idea how awful those monitors would be. 

For the next few hours I labored in the room. I rested, bounced on the ball, labored on all fours, walked, and tried anything else our doula suggested. At 5:30 AM Dr. B checked in and told me there was no need to check my cervix again unless my water broke or I felt the urge to push.

At 7 am the nurses switched and somehow I got two nurses assigned to me. By 9:15 I found out the Drs also switched shifts and Dr. L came in to see me. She wanted to check me and I agreed. I was 5 cm dilated, still -2, and 80% effaced. Around that time my contractions slowed so we tried walking. I can honestly say that there wasn't a 10 minute timeframe during my whole labor where the nurses didn't come in to mess with and adjust my monitors. The most comfortable position I found was folded over, yet any time I'd get in any variation of this position the nurses would come in and insist on adjusting the monitor. I don't think there's anything more unpleasant than strangers touching, poking, pushing, and tightening two belts around your waist while you're contracting. I would beg them to let the contraction end before touching me and pushing on my belly, but they never listened. Even if I was sitting on the toilet they'd come in and insist on making their adjustments. I didn't want to really be touched at all in labor and to have strangers doing it every few minutes was really unpleasant. I really feel like this impacted my ability to relax. It's hard when there are tight belts around your waist and people constantly in your face messing with them. Not to mention, any comfortable position was out since the monitors couldn't pick up a signal when I was in them. Being upright, walking, or in bed were the only reliable positions to pick up the signal. As a result I did a lot of laboring leaning on W or Jen and  basically slow dancing. I didn't realize how great it would be to have a doula who was short like me because she was the perfect height to lean on during contractions.

Around 12:30 pm they suggested the whirpool tub and I agreed. Jen left to get herself some food and I labored in the tub. They really only let me stay in the tub for about 20 minutes before they asked me to go back to my room so they could get me back on the monitor. While I was in the tub we used wireless monitors. The tub was nice and seemed to help me relax, but once again the nurses were in the room every few minutes and I wasn't allowed to stay in very long.

Around 1:30 PM Dr. L wanted to check me again. At that point I was only 6 cm dilated and still -2 and 80% effaced. She wasn't very encouraging about my lack of progress so at 2:30 I tried walking again.

At 3:30 PM a hospital midwife came in to see me. I remembered her from Lucy and Clara's birth and also knew she delivered one of my friend's babies. She commented on how exhausted I seemed, how she could smell ketones on my breath, and how I seemed to need a little push to get things moving again. My contractions had started to space out and she said we needed to get them closer together to get things progressing. She was worried about my level of exhaustion and dehydration and suggested we start IV fluids and a bolus. I was so exhausted and didn't want to hear what the midwife had to say. She wasn't super optimistic about things and really focused on my level of exhaustion. The whole time I was in labor I was so afraid of feeling more nauseous and vomiting that I wasn't able to drink much water. I wasn't allowed to have any food. Jen offered me a drink after every contraction and I would take little sips, but my body needed more. It was obvious by the ketones on my breath.

At 4:30 PM I finally consented to start the lowest dose of Pitocin (2 mg) in order to help things progress. I really feel like this was a turning point and wish more than anything I would have made a different decision at that time. I was just that Dr. L and the midwife made valid points. I was so exhausted I started to fear I wouldn't have the energy to push my baby out. I remember talking with Jen and her saying pushing would feel different because I would be more active rather than passive like getting through the contractions.

Little to my knowledge, the pitcoin got turned up every half hour. No one asked, no one told me, and I had no idea. All I know is that I went from feeling like I could stay on top of and ahead of my contractions to feeling totally out of control. Jen had told me to picture each contraction as a wave and myself as surfing those waves. To picture myself staying just ahead of those waves in order to stay on top of them. Things got so intense so fast and I had been laboring for nearly 24 hours. It was amazing to me the difference between natural contractions and contractions on Pitocin. At 6:30 the Pitocin got increased to 6 mg and by 7:00 PM I was asking about pain relief. I debated the narcotic pain medications but after a few more contractions I asked about the epidural. When the dr told me the anesthesiologist could be there quickly, I told her that's what I wanted.

At 7:00 PM a new nurse also came on. At 7:30 my water broke in a huge gush as I stood up to lean on Jen during a contraction. It was a really weird sensation and felt like a huge water balloon came out of me and gushed onto the floor. Jen happened to be right in the line of fire and her pants and shoes got covered in my amniotic fluid. She said since my fluid levels had been high that was likely why there was so much fluid. The Dr checked me agin and I was 7 cm dilated, and still -2 and 80% effaced. By 8:00 PM the epidural was in place. I couldn't believe the difference. I went from feeling totally out of control of my contractions to not even being able to feel most of them. It was absolutely amazing and allowed me to rest for a bit.

At 9:30 Dr. L came in to tell me that the baby was experiencing decelerations with each contraction. She started to seem concerned, yet let me try different positions. I laid on my left side and they came in to tell me it was still happening. They tried oxygen and switching me to my other side but the baby wasn't tolerating things. With each contraction her heart rate would fall to around 100 and take a minute or so to recover. I started to watch the monitors and I saw her heart rate falling. It wasn't recovering after the contractions and I watched the door waiting for the dr to come back. The dr checked me again and I was 8 cm dilated. It was at that time that she also discovered meconium in the amniotic fluid. I knew at that point it was likely over. The dr let things continue with the decels until 10:45 PM when she came in and said she strongly suggested a c section. We asked for a few minutes to discuss things, but I knew it was over. At 11 PM I consented to the c section and I was wheeled into the room at 11:50 PM.

When I got into the OR they upped the epidural and I started to feel really numb. I was so cold and shivering like crazy. My teeth were chattering so hard it made my jaw hurt. They brought W in at about 12:10 and Stella was born at 12:25. I felt lots of tugging, pulling, and it smelled really bad when they cauterized things. They didn't lift Stella above the drape, and instead brought her right over to be suctioned. It took a few seconds and then we both heard her cry. They put a diaper on her and gave her to W to hold skin to skin. It was then that I was able to see her little face. Originally they said I could do skin to skin but at some point that changed. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have been able to hold her because I was shaking so much. The anesthesiologist had a heater that he was blowing on me. It helped to warm me up, but didn't make the shaking go away.

When they brought me to recovery (around 2:00 am) the Dr came and talked to me. She told me that my c section was "exceptionally difficult" and that there were a lot of adhesions and scar tissue, especially on my right side. Her scrubs were covered in blood and she said it was a good thing it hadn't been a true emergency because she may not have gotten the baby out on time. It took her 25 minutes to get to Stella.

Our doula Jen stayed with us in recovery for a while and helped me get Stella to nurse. She is also an IBCLC and was very helpful. It felt super awkward to be reclined, but Stella still latched and tried for a bit before falling asleep.

What wasn't shared with me immediately after surgery was shared the following days. Dr. L came in the following day and reiterated the difficulty of my surgery. She also said my incision was "paper thin". I honestly had no idea what that meant at the time.

At one week I had a follow up to look at my incision. I saw Dr. L and we discussed everything. I asked for clarification and she said that when she opened me up I had a "window" and that had she poked with her finger she could have opened my uterus. 

The next day I messaged one of the others Drs in the practice on Facebook. She is the one who is in our local mom's of multiples group and who got me into the practice. I asked her about the "paper thin" description and she explained things further. Apparently I had a "dehiscence" or "window", meaning the muscle layer of my previous incision had separated. The uterus has three layers; the endometrium which is what we shed every month, the myometrium which is the muscle layer, and an outer thin mucousal layer. My myometrium was no longer intact and that's why my incision was so thin. My uterus had started to rupture and Stella's decelerations were a result and signal of that. 

The days and weeks following her birth have been difficult for me. I'm still processing things and having all the post-partum hormones certainly don't help. Each day I feel a little better and I know I'll be fine, but talking to friends, W, and our doula has really helped. I'm so grateful we hired Jen and that she was there to support me in labor. I honestly don't know how anyone labors without a doula. 

  I know that the most important thing is that my daughter is safe and healthy, but I can't say I wasn't disappointed and sad about her birth. Even though I wrote a birth plan in case of a cesarean section, I honestly didn't have an open heart and mind to that possibility. I changed OB's at 20 weeks, hired a doula, and educated myself about vbac via documentaries and books. I truly thought if I wanted it and tried hard enough it would happen. I wanted this experience to be healing from my last birth. Throughout my pregnancy I said the most important thing to me was that I be able to hold my baby when she was born. I didn't get that experience of holding my daughter on my chest immediately after she was born and I think I'll always be sad about that. 

On the other hand, Stella's birth was a much better experience from Lucy and Clara's. I was conscious, we both got to hear her cry for the first time, and W was able to hold her skin to skin. I held her in recovery and was able to nurse her within the first hour of her birth and she never left our sides. I labored for 29 hours surrounded by the love and support of my husband and doula, and gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I know that the Dr gave me the best possible chance for the vbac and also let the decelerations continue for quite some time before insisting on a cesarean. For everyone's health and safety it's best I had a cesarean. 

I'm so grateful to have another beautiful daughter to love and snuggle. It's been a difficult recovery physically and emotionally, but my heart is so full!

My first time holding her.

Nursing in the recovery room. 

Lucy meets her baby sister for the first time. 

Kisses from Clara. 

First family photo. Perhaps not our best, but its our first one all together. 

All my girls. 

Kisses for baby Stella. 

Proud big sister. 

I think she loves her!

Ready to go home. 

Proud mama.