A New Job

I've been working a little bit here and there as a speech pathologist since my girls were born. I do early intervention evaluations and generally do about 3-4 per month. It's a nice way to keep my foot in the door without having to commit to too much at once. 

I love being home with my girls and am so grateful I don't have to work full time. A few months ago I picked up one early intervention kiddo for feeding therapy. We've been making slow progress and I see him once a week. 

In December I noticed one of the local hospitals placed an ad for a per diem weekend speech language pathologist position. The ad was for someone to work one weekend a month. I applied because I figured it couldn't hurt. Childcare wouldn't be an issue either since W is home on weekends. 

I interviewed right before Christmas. I have zero hospital experience professionally or from graduate school and was unsure how the interview went. I interviewed with two people and one was very nice and friendly and seemed to like me while the other wasn't impressed by my lack of experience in hospitals. While in graduate school I was so convinced I only wanted to work with kids so didn't get as broad of an experience as I could have. 

Well, I was offered the job and quickly accepted. I figured it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. W could be with the girls on the weekends I worked and it might provide some nice "empathy training" for him as I called it.

I'm in the process of training/orienting now. The computer system is overwhelming as is the documentation. Let's not even mention the nature of the job. This hospital is a level 1 trauma center. They have a new and big head and neck cancer center. I'm not used to seeing people that are that sick for therapy. It's intense to say the least!

I've worked one weekend so far and am excited. Some moments I feel totally in over my head, but then I realize I still want to learn new skills and information. I'm not happy to continue to do the same thing forever as I still have a strong desire to learn. It means really going outside of my comfort zone to expand my knowledge and skills. While that is scary, it's also pretty exciting. 

Most of the job is doing bedside swallow evaluations. It's mainly determining the safest consistencies of food and drink for people who have been hospitalized for one reason or another (stroke, pneumonia, cancer, surgery, trauma, etc). I know I can do it and learn it, it will just take time. I'm excited to learn more and get a whole new level of experience. I work this weekend so am looking forward to being scared shitless again. Haha

Connected

One of the biggest things I have struggled with since having children, is feeling connected to my spouse in my marriage. Having kids definitely shifted the focus and changed things for us. 

Prior to having children, we got along great. We never really "worked" on our marriage because it didn't feel like work. Sure, life got busy at times with school, work, or our house, but nothing like having three kids in two years busy. We were still pretty able to focus on each other a lot of the time. When we went through infertility, it just brought us closer together. We worked together towards a common goal and supported each other. When things got tough, we got through it together. We were a great team. 

That's not to say we aren't now, It's just saying it's much more challenging. Between the kids and the house, there are days when I don't have a ton of patience by the time W gets home. I don't necessarily want to hear about his day at work. I don't want to give him a hug because I've had children climbing on me all day, even while I went to the bathroom. While we parent together, things still get frustrating. We argue much more easily. We don't put each other first because life is busy. Some days it just feels like we're constantly in survival mode. Between getting up multiple times at night for multiple children, a tough morning of someone being cranky, tantrums throughout the day, the house to pick up and stay on top of, the children to discipline and keep busy and from fighting, the stress of getting to activities on time and without anyone losing it, and just plain life it's tough to feel as connected as we once were. 

Most nights we try to have the house picked up before we head upstairs for our bedtime routine (baths, stories, songs, etc). That means when we get back downstairs and it's just us we don't have a ton to do. The main exception to this is folding laundry. Some nights we have that waiting for us as it's tough to find the time to fold clothes for five people. This is the time we should really be focusing on each other, but usually we're just too exhausted. We turn the t.v on and zone out to that or our phones. It's not like we ignore each other or go to different places. We are still sitting together on the couch, it's just tough to feel connected in those moments. 

To help change this we have started trying to have a regular date night. We have gone out a few nights to dinner or a movie and either had a grandparent come over or a sitter. We are still working on finding a consistent and good babysitter we can trust. I'm just sure exactly how to do that to be honest. We have tried a few different people and haven't found anyone I feel can handle my three. 

Apart from date nights we haven't done much. I'd love to unplug some of the couch at night, but I feel like we're both just so exhausted. We really don't get much time with just us. We haven't ever gone on an overnight other than to the hospital to have Stella. 

I love that W supports me in my new ideas and as a parent. He is an amazing father and provider for our family. If I want to try something new he's generally on board. If I want to eat super healthy, he's right there along with me rather than buying and eating junk like other husbands I know. He supports me emotionally, but we just don't have a ton of time for each other. There isn't a lot of time where we focus solely on the other person and their happiness. 

I guess I'm wondering how other couples stay and feel connected? Are there other things we could try or do or should I just accept that this is life with three kids two years apart? In general we communicate well, I just feel like life is too busy and difficult for the time and attention we once paid each other. At to be honest, I really miss that. 

Marriage

This week my sister informed me that her marriage is over, she plans to leave. When she first told me the news I was so caught off guard and scared by her tone and seriousness. I went back to W that night and told him how she really sounded like she meant it and how it scared me. 

Since we speak pretty much daily the next few days gave me the opportunity to ask and find out more details. 

According to her it's been "really bad for a really long time."  I knew he didn't help much around the house or with their son. That he was ungrateful for everything she does to keep their household afloat. Every winter while he's at home on seasonal unemployment playing video games and smoking pot, my sister is busting her butt, working two jobs and dropping Benny off at daycare. She put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Apparently they had a big blow out fight about it all and my BiL asked her if she even still wanted to be married. That's when she told him no. 

But it all makes me so sad to think about. My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 9. I remember those following years like they were a deep black hole for my family. My mom cried a lot, was very depressed, and it affected us all so much. When she started dating and put that before us and her family, it once again affected us. Maybe it's that my dad left and my mom didn't see if coming, but it was so hard for her and our family. 

I hate to think of my sister feeling like that and going through something like it. If it were just her it'd be one thing, but my three year old nephew is about to be along for the ride. Breaks ups are really hard, I can't imagine breaking up when married with a child. 

All week any time I thought about it I'd get super upset. I would cry thinking about being a spectator during the process. Having to watch their marriage and family unravel. Knowing Benny will be experiencing it all with them and that he will also grow up in a broken home with broken parents.  

Today I talked to my sister and through tears I told her my fears. My fears for her and my nephew. How even though I'm not a huge fan of my BiL, how I'm still feeling terrible for him and waiting to hear about his self destruction and decline. 

It's all so sad. I wish they had tried harder to work on things sooner. That my sister had stood up to him years ago and put her foot down. That they could work together rather than give up. 

My sister said she wants to move out within the next month. That she can't take being around him and constantly being guilted by him. That maybe they could work on things, just not in their current living situation. 

I'm really so sad about all of it. I hate to think of my sister going through a divorce, especially knowing how hard it was on my mom and family as a child. Please keep my sister in your thoughts and send her strength during this time. I know she'll need it.