IVF #3 Beta Results

I mentioned earlier my fear of another chemical pregnancy. I'm pretty sure my fear is becoming a reality. My beta HCG levels came back at 19.5 today. Yeah, that's less than half of what it was last chemical pregnancy at this point (43). I'm not alluding myself at all. I'll return on Tuesday (closed Monday for the holiday) and have my blood drawn again, but I may stop my meds before then. I bought some FRER tests and I'm going to watch the progression in the next few days. I used a FRER and a cheapy test this afternoon. On the cheapy test today the second line really wasn't any darker than it was 2 days ago. 

I did find out we have 2 frozen embryos and I booked a follow-up appointment with Dr. Greene for June 8th, so we have a backup plan for now. Honestly though, I don't think FET's work for me. It's just part of the contract we are in that we have to use them before moving on to another fresh cycle. 

Speaking of fresh cycles, we only have one more paid for. I feel like we need to change something. What we are doing does not seem to be working.

I'm going to ask about PGD. I know it's expensive, but so are repeated rounds of IVF. I feel like it was stupid to expect a different result with the same (more or less) protocol for IVF #2 and #3. 

I wish I had better news to share today and I hate the disappointment of another (likely) failed IVF cycle. This process is starting to become really disheartening. 

IVF #3 5DP5DT

I haven't given any update since the fertilization report. I was feeling really anxious about doing a 5 day transfer with only 8 fertilized eggs, but I tried to trust in my clinic and RE. I knew they would check on our embryos on day 3 (Mother's Day) and if needed call me and have me come in for the transfer. I was so nervous all morning but I never heard, so no news was good news. 

My transfer wasn't scheduled until 1:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday. I spent the morning with a little boy I work with and his family observing while he was evaluated for Autism. It was an intense morning with lots of tests given and lots of waiting to hear the consensus from the evaluators. He didn't get an Autism diagnosis but he did get Developmental Apraxia of Speech and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified). It was sad to sit there with the parents and hear that there was something wrong with their child. It made me realize how much better at my job I am going to be once I am a parent. C did awesome with all of the testing and I was so proud of him. Overall it was a much better diagnosis than Autism and he has made some amazing progress in the past few months. 

W picked me up from there and we drove to the clinic. I was SO nervous to find out what we had to transfer. They had me change and my RE came in. He told me we had at least 2 really good blastocysts and a few more than were close. In total 10 ended up fertilizing and the best one was one of the late ones to fertilize. Dr. K asked me how many I wanted to transfer and I asked his recommendation. He proceeded to ask me how old I was and which IVF cycle this was for me. His recommendation was 3 and he would do 4 if I was willing to consider selective reduction if necessary. That was enough to scare me off from 4. So, we transferred 3 beautiful blastocysts on Tuesday afternoon. The transfer itself was super smooth and he used "Wandy" to guide the transfer. Every other time it has been with abdominal ultrasound, so we could see so much more this way. When the embryologist came in to give us our picture I asked her the grades. We transferred 1 4AA, 1 4AB, and 1 2BB. I really hope one of them will decide to stick around. 

I headed over to acupuncture after and had a nice little nap. When I asked W how much it was he said free. I'm not sure why, but he said it was complementary. I'll take it!

W, my FIL, and step-dad started our bathroom remodel project this week. The only thing that will stay is the toilet so it is a lot of work. They have put down radiant heat in the floors, tile on the floors, new drywall, and tiled the shower stall so progress has been fast. It's made it hard for me though because I'm not helping and have been a bit bored. Also, we have been staying at the in-law's house in order to be able to shower. Looks like we have tonight and two more nights here. I can't complain though because it is their lake house and waking up in the morning to the lake is pretty amazing. The dogs love it too. 

I thought it would be a fun idea to test out my trigger shot with my IC tests. This had led to too much analyzing and googling, especially with all of my boredom. Today there was still a faint line and I wish it was a positive, but I'm pretty sure it is the last of the trigger. It seems like a long time for it to last (12 days past trigger), but the lines are not getting darker either. They have stayed about the same the past two days. I wish I hadn't started and I know I need to step away, but once you start it's hard to stop. 

My beta is next Thursday. I am much more positive and hopeful this time because I feel I need to be. Huge disappointment or not, I am convincing myself it worked. I have been having cramping on and off but who the heck knows. We all know I don't believe in symptoms this early, but I also can't ignore them. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow to have some good distractions. Can you tell I'm going a little crazy?

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Weight Gain and Loss

I weighed myself on Thursday night before bed the day of my retrieval.  This was the first time I had weighed myself during this cycle so I'm not sure if I was up any weight at that point. 

Yesterday morning when I woke up I weighed myself again and was up 3 pounds. I went into the office because of this and they told me to take it easy. Last night before bed I weighed myself and was up 8 pounds from retrieval. Other than the weight gain I was feeling pretty much alright. 

The nurse at the clinic yesterday told me the fluid just needed to shift around and that eventually I would pee most of it out. Yesterday I didn't pee as much as I should have so that was starting to make me a bit nervous. 

Well, last night I was up about every 45 minutes to an hour peeing. I lost 4.5 pounds overnight and am feeling much better. Now, if that Colace would just kick in I might lose a few more pounds! IVF is so much fun. 

Fertilized

I got the call as I was making my breakfast this morning. I had a feeling that would happen as soon as I started cooking. The result? Some burned bacon. I didn't enjoy it, but the dogs sure did. 

Of the 19 eggs retrieved 14 were injected with W's little guys. Of those, 8 had fertilized. They said there were still 5 that could fertilize, but we will see. As of right now we have 8 little combinations of me and W growing away. I was a little bummed initially by this number, but then realized that it's completely out of my hands at this point. If it's meant to be this time around it will. No worrying or feeling disappointed is going to change anything. I have to stay positive!

The nurse asked how I was feeling and I told her that I had gained 3 pounds overnight. She quickly talked to the NP and they said they wanted to see me today. I made an appointment at 11:15 to go in. The told me my transfer was scheduled for Tuesday at 11:15 and then asked if I planned to do acupuncture. When I said yes they transferred the call. 

I spoke to the receptionist at the Healing Arts Center and she said I was all set for an appointment after my transfer. I then asked if it would be my favorite acupuncturist, D and they said he wasn't working on Tuesday. There was only the guy I didn't like. I promptly cancelled the appointment and was a bit disappointed. 

On my drive into my appointment D called himself to ask how I was doing. I told him I had gained some weight overnight and that the office wanted to see me. He asked if I was interested in coming in to see him relaxing for a little bit. He told me to tell the receptionists that I was there for a consultation so I wouldn't have to pay. I told him I would be over after my appointment. He also said he would be willing to come in Tuesday for me so that I didn't have to see the guy I didn't like. 

I got to my RE's office and the receptionist was super concerned. She asked if I was OK and whether I wanted to lie down somewhere. I told her I was OK but just that they wanted to see me. She said she would get me right up. The waiting room was packed but I didn't end up waiting very long. 

They drew my blood and took my vitals and then instructed me to undress from the waist down. A NP I didn't recognize came in and did my ultrasound. My ovaries were pretty much the entire ultrasound screen when she measured them. It was crazy! There was a small amount of fluid in my abdomen, but everything looked pretty much OK. She told me that I need to take it easy and just relax for the next few days. If my conditioned worsened I was supposed to let them know and if I was in a lot of pain I was instructed to go to the ER. She sent me on my way with some pain medication and reiterated that I needed to take it easy. 

I asked about adding progesterone in oil to the Crinone this time and she said I could do whatever I felt comfortable with. She gave me some progesterone and syringes along with some instructions. 

I headed over to acupuncture and saw D for about 40 minutes. I took a little nap and felt some much less bloated after. He only did points on my stomach but I think it really helped. He told me if I was feeling uncomfortable again on Monday to call him and he would do the same. I felt so much better after some relaxation time. 

On my drive home I got a call from my clinic. I was nervous that something was wrong, but they were just calling to see if I would be willing to change my transfer time to 1:30 since Dr. K has a surgery that will likely run longer than they initially thought. This works much better for me because one of the children I work with is getting evaluated for Autism on Tuesday. I was so disappointed I wasn't going to be able to be there but now it looks like I will.

So, we have 8 little embryos growing and my transfer is Tuesday. I do have OHSS but it seems like with rest and relaxation I should be fine. I started my progesterone and Lovenox tonight and will add in Estrace later tonight. I hope our little ones continue to grow and that we have at least one good embryo to transfer on Tuesday. They won't call with any more updates so for now I just need to leave it up to the pros. 

Retrieval Complete

Retrieval went well. We got 19 eggs which is a much safer number than the 28 we got last time. The clinic was running behind because another procedure came up before they did my retrieval. My RE came in the room before the anesthesiologist and asked if we had any questions. We didn't, so he promptly left. That is all I saw of him today since he came into the room for the retrieval after I was out and left before I woke up. I definitely prefer the RE who did the retrieval last time, but he was out of town so couldn't do it. I also found out he doesn't work on Tuesdays so Dr. K will be doing my transfer as well. 

I felt like they were trying to kick me out pretty soon after. They didn't give me a whole bunch of time once I woke up before they asked me if I was ready to get dressed. It was fine because I was happy to be on our way home. 

I napped for a few hours after we got home, ate some lunch and snacks and watched some Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. This afternoon W told me that I tensed and woke up as soon as the retrieval started and complained that I was uncomfortable a few times. The anesthesiologist instructed W to make sure my arm was straight (to help with the IV), and gave me some more meds. That might explain why I was so groggy after. I'm glad I don't remember this. It's a little freaky. 

The embryologist came in and told us about the 19 and that we will get a call tomorrow about how many fertilized. 

I'm feeling bloated, a bit crampy and have a headache, but nothing like last time with that whole stomach bug thing. The cat napped with me in bed all afternoon. I think I'll still take tomorrow off to relax and recoup even though I probably could work. Looking forward to the fertilization report tomorrow. 

Trigger Happy

At 8:00 this evening I sat in my car in my high school parking lot and shot 10,000 units of HCG into my stomach. Why my high school parking lot? I went to yoga tonight and was on my way home. The trigger shot needs to be done at an exact time, so the best place I could think of at that time was the parking lot. I don't think I ever imagined that when I was in high school. 

Retrieval is set for Thursday. I have to be there at 7:15 and this time W is doing his "part" at home. I guess it's easier for them and he doesn't really care either way. 

At this morning's appointment I was ready to start applauding when I was given the green light to trigger. It really feels like the stimming lasted forever this time. I had lots of follicles and my ovaries are right on top of each other. My date with wandy was quite uncomfortable! My estradiol levels dropped predictably and I filled my script for Dostinex to help prevent OHSS. 

The DJ Better Put On a Slow Song

I had another appointment this afternoon for intralipid therapy, blood work, and an ultrasound. The NP and I joked about how many more follicles have joined the party and that they're really growing up. I guess they aren't grown up enough yet, and it's time to slow this party down a bit. 

Due to the afternoon appointment, I don't know what my estradiol levels are. Shannon anticipated they would be higher than the 4691 that they were on Saturday. So, she gave me Cetrotide and told me to do that alone tonight. No Lupron, no Gonal-F, no Luveris. 

I've been feeling a lot of action in my ovaries and I swear they were pissed after I did the Cetrotide. They were like, who the hell put on a slow song, this party was just getting started!

There were a LOT of follicles today. I had 20 measurable ones but I'm sure there were some more. Whether those will all make it to be eggs or not, who the heck knows. A bunch were still a bit small and immature so I guess we are cutting the underage ones off from any more of the good stuff in hopes they leave the party and don't cause issues for everyone. 

I'm a bit disappointed that my retrieval has been pushed back and that I have to go in SUPER early tomorrow, but I just do what they tell me like the good little patient that I am. I think I'm bummed about two more days of work more than anything else. 

I'm not worrying about everything like the past and it feels good to relinquish some control. Not that I ever was in control anyway! I'm just riding the wave of IVF fun.

Keepin' On

Things are going pretty well. I had my appointment yesterday and my estradiol is up to 1096. It did a little more than double since my last appointment. The NP said my ovaries were starting to pop and my lining was responding to the estrogen and thickening some. I didn't really have any additional measurable follicles so it's looks like about 10 at this point. A few are charging ahead and are at 13 and the rest are around 8 or 10. I really hope a few more pick it up before retrieval. It's not that 10 is a bad number, is just hard to not want to be an overachiever after the 28 last time. I'm struggling with trying not to compare cycles and numbers when I have access to them all. I'll be honest, I was feeling a bit down yesterday. It's hard going through this process over and over again. I know I need to try to let go and have the attitude, "que sera sera/what will be will be", but I guess I'm struggling with that a bit. Looks like retrieval will be next Monday or Wednesday but I should have a better idea tomorrow.

Yesterday in blogger-land I had 3 BFP's in my news feed. I am beyond happy for these women but I can't help but wonder when/if I will get my turn. I hope it's in a few weeks.

I went to yoga for fertility on Tuesday night and checked out the new facilities in the expanded healing arts center that is attached to my clinic. It was amazing! The yoga studio was huge and there's a new "aqua terrace" which has a hot tub that can fit 26 people. The funniest part? Everyone joked about how it looks like it is shaped like a uterus. 
After the yoga whoever wants to can meet up and chat. I stuck around as did about 5 others. We sat with our feet in the hot tub and talked about various things. We talked about various things, our sitauations and stories, etc. That was the overall conversation but I did have a bit of 1:1 time with another woman who is about to start her 4th IVF. She got pregnant in the fall and lost her triplets at 19 weeks. She seemed so strong and positive about it all. She inspires me to be more positive.

Expired Exschmired and a Winner

I had my first monitoring appointment today. W came along so that was nice. The table I was on for the ultrasound decided not to work and raise up so I felt like I was lying on the floor for the exam. It was hard to read the screen but it's nice that my clinic has an online database where I can find all of the info. 

I had gotten a message back from the NP as I was pulling into the clinic this morning that the expired Gonal-F was likely no big deal and that the expirations are just a guideline. Can you imagine how much money we all waste by strictly following those guidelines? It blows my mind! 

My estradiol level came back today at 469 which is in between what I had for IVF #1 (11 eggs retrieved) and IVF #2 (28 eggs retrieved). That's what I was hoping for. What I didn't expect is that I have more follicles this time at this point than I did last time.  I had 4 on the left side (2 x 7 mm, 2 x 9 mm) and 6 on the right side (3 x 7 mm, 2 x 8 mm, and 1 x 9 mm). I am happy with these results. I'm always a little slow to get started, but it's good to know I am chugging along. 

So for my giveaway I picked a winner last night with a random number generator. I assigned every comment a number based on what order it came in and the winner was #4 Josey from My Cheap Version of Therapy. Email me and let me know which cover you would like! 

Also, JM from Meier Madness got the crap-tastic news today that FET #2 didn't work. My heart breaks for her so I hope you can all find some time to stop by and try to brighten her day a bit if you haven't already. 

Lupron Time

It's time to stab myself with some needles. I just can't get too excited about going through the whole IVF process again. It's not really something I look forward to, but hopefully this will all be worth it. 

We had a good weekend. We celebrated our dog's 5th birthday on Friday. 

The yearly tradition of taking her picture in a birthday hat. Isn't she cute?

Since we were so excited to celebrate Togie's birthday we failed to look at our tickets for Aziz Ansari (comedian from the show Parks and Recreation). We bought the tickets over a month ago and W and I both had the 14th stuck in our heads since buying them. We planned to go with a co-worker of mine and her BF. We went out for Thai food beforehand and had a great dinner. We then headed over, paid to park, and were walking towards the building. Just then, we saw a guy on the corner scalping tickets. We said we already had some and he said, "enjoy the game." I whispered to W to check the tickets and that's when we realized the show had been for the previous night. All of the other people were going to a hockey game. That would explain the hockey jerseys and lots of young children. Boo hoo! Giant waste of money. We laughed it off mostly W felt so bad and disappointed about it.

We headed to the mall to see if there were any good movies playing. We went to the arcade since my friend loves it. It's been a long time since I've been to an arcade! It was pretty fun and we were able to pool our tickets and get some crappy little prize.

No good movies were playing so we headed to a wine and dessert place and had some yummy dessert. So much for not eating much in the way of carbs or sugar. Overall, I've been pretty good with eating better. Lunch is the hardest, but I've been using the My Fitness Pal app on my phone to track calories and I've been staying below or at my goal most days. Taking the dogs for a long walk most days definitely helps. I am looking forward to warmer weather so we can go for bike rides. Sorry dogs. 

I went to a bridal shower today. I'm hoping the next shower I attend is my own baby shower.

Freedom Pharmacy (a mail order fertility pharmacy) royally screwed up my order this week. Instead of processing the right amount of Crinone (30), they submitted an order for 84 to my insurance. My insurance promptly denied it all and my bank called me to ask if I had made a purchase for $1150 to said pharmacy. I called them and they cancelled it and said they would credit me back $850. It still hasn't been credited. I don't think I will be using them again in the future. Good thing my bank caught the error. I haven't heard much in the way of an apology from them either for screwing up.

We finally filed our taxes this week (nothing like waiting until the last minute). We are getting back a nice return and should be able to remodel out bathroom without dipping into our savings. I'm looking forward to upgrading from 1970.

Don't you wish your bathroom looked this nice? Gorgeous!

We have been invited to my cousin's wedding in Hawaii in September. I really want to go. If we are saving for more rounds of IVF I don't think we can afford it. We shall see. My uncle might have a timeshare that we can use so I have to email him and see about that one.

I've learned my lesson about fancy painting jobs. We painted stripes on our office/future nursery over a year ago. I loved them so decided we should do a pattern in our bedroom. I looked online and finally found some diamonds I really liked. The process involves using painter's tape and then paining. I decided recently I didn't like the color and that the pattern was annoying. We tried to paint over it recently but we could still see the design through. We spent a large amount of time this weekend using "mud" for drywall and trying to smooth it out and then W spent most of today sanding it. I have 2 colors I like for the bedroom and now can't decide which one to do. What do you think?

Mozart Blue. This was the color I originally wanted to do but now I'm worried it's going to be too dark. We do have a large bedroom though.

OR

Huntington beige. This is a much safer color but I don't want to be boring either. It goes more with the other bedroom colors upstairs.

A week from tomorrow I have my suppression check and hopefully will start stims that day. We shall see. So far we've gotten off pretty cheap this cycle since we have a 900 Gonal-F pen left over from last time. I'm not sure if we will need more since they will have me on a lower dose this time around. I'm not using Menopur this time, but Luveris instead. That was pretty cheap. The Lupron kit was on sale and then Crinone is mostly covered by my insurance. 


If you've made it this far you deserve an award for reading my jabber! Hope everyone else had a nice weekend. Input about paint colors is appreciated!

Suppression is Boring

What's new? Well... not a whole lot. I haven't written in over a week but that's because there's nothing all that new or exciting. 

 I'm still taking birth control pills but start Lupron on Sunday. I always feel like once the injections start things really feel like they get moving. The weeks on birth control pills feel like they move at a snail's pace. 

Work is pretty busy with lots of report writing. I've been trying to be much better about getting things in on time. I've decided to tell my boss about our fertility treatments, but I haven't seen or talked to either of them since the conversation. I am out on my own a lot for work and I don't have a ton of contact with them other than email. I also wanted to wait for things to blow over a little bit. 

One of the mom's of the kids I work with went through 3 IUI's and 4 IVF cycles before she got pregnant with her first child. She has known for a while what is going on with us and is an amazing source of support. When I told her about the meeting and my thoughts she agreed I should tell them. She advised me against writing an email since that could be possibly placed in my HR file. I thought that was a really good point. So, I'm just giving it some time, but I do intend to come out of the closet. 

One of the kids I work with had a cut on his arm. I asked him what happened and he told me they went to a bounce house place and the bouncy house "had rug burns on it." Love it!

I had a realization this past week. When I got to a house the 2 year old I see for therapy was sleeping. As the dad went into the other room to wake him up I noticed the 12 week old baby sleeping on the floor. I just stood there and stared at him. He was so beautiful and perfect. It was then that I realized it doesn't have to be MY baby for me to love it. I think if this IVF doesn't work out we might start actively pursuing adoption or at least starting to do some research. I know at this point I would love any baby, whether it has my eyes or my husbands curly hair or not. It doesn't really matter. 

A New Start

Today is CD 1. I started my BCP's and it's only 3 more weeks of them. I hate this part of the IVF cycle, it's so drawn out and boring. That's why the antagonist protocol was much more appealing, but alas, I will be doing the LONG lupron again. 

Yesterday I started my supplements that I took last cycle. When my first IVF resulted in embryos that were all slow to divide and pretty crappy I did a little research on egg quality. I think it made a difference last time around so I will do it again. I am taking wheatgrass pills (5 in the morning and 5 at night) and royal jelly twice a day. 

I also started eating a paleo diet yesterday. After gorging myself on vacation and gaining weight consistently, I decided it was time to take action. I'm not happy with my weight and my self image is struggling. Failed cycles suck emotionally, but they get me the most when it comes to my self confidence. It's hard to have confidence in your body when it's not working how you want it to. 

The premiss of the paleo diet is pretty easy to grasp. Basically you eat like a caveman/woman. No dairy, wheat, or sugar. Easy to follow? A bit harder. Yesterday wasn't bad but I let myself get too hungry today and was out and about and had a hard time finding something to eat. I have to say I'm missing my carbs. We will see how it all pans out, but I'd love to stick with it for the month of April. I know that PCOS is carb and sugar related, so it would be interesting to see if it helps with that at all. I'm not holding my breath that it will change my PCOS, but I need to get proactive and could stand to lose some weight. It's nice because counting calories always makes me feel hungry. I never feel like I eat enough and it's hard work. This is going to be even harder work most likely. I found a great website which has tons of recipes so that is definitely helping. Lunch is going to be my biggest challenge since I eat while I drive. I think if I plan ahead I should be OK. 

Boo hoo to going back to work tomorrow. I'm not ready and am still in vacation mode. I have a feeling it's going to be a long week. 

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward.