Quite a few months ago I posted about a group of moms that I got together with regularly for play dates with our kids. I loved seeing those friends and getting together so frequently. It made our weeks pass by more quickly and I looked forward to our time spent together. Time flies when you're having fun, right?
About a month and a half ago one of the mommies from our group moved away. Like, 16 hours far away. We were super sad to see her go with her adorable and fun little girls, but that was the plan for their family when they moved to this area two years prior. We all still have a group text going, but the play dates have been much less frequent. In fact, the other mamas and I haven't all gotten together since.
I've tried quite a few times to suggest times or ask if people were free to all get together, but have been unsuccessful. Here's the thing about friendships for me; I don't like to be the one doing all the work. I think a friendship should be mutual with each person keeping up their end. I know there are times when this isn't possible and close friendships allow for that, but this doesn't feel like one of those times. Generally, when I feel like the one doing more work (or all of the work in a friendship), I'm quick to retreat or give up.
My best childhood friend and I finally fell out of contact after years of me feeling like I was holding up the friendship alone. We are still Facebook friends and try to see each other at least once a year, but it makes me sad to think of how things once were.
Maybe I'm too quick to give up and should try harder, but I don't know. My husband is one of the worst people about keeping in contact and maintaining friendships. When we first got together I was definitely the one doing most of the work. Luckily that balance has shifted and things are much more equal now. As for friendships outside of our marriage, nothing there has changed much for him.
Most of my friends in high school or college were guys. I've always gotten along with them better and found friendships to be simpler. At this point in my life, as a stay at home mom, I'm not likely to be making many guy friends, nor do I really want to.
So I guess what I'm saying is I'm ready to give up on these play dates, and perhaps even one of these friendships. One of the friends and I are still getting together and I think we'll continue to stay in touch. As for the other, I guess only time will tell. I know I'm getting tired of feeling like the one that's trying harder.
Am I the only one that's quick to give up when feeling like I'm the only one trying?
It's tough. I have become much more relaxed about friendships over the last 3 years than I used to be. I am okay if I don't see everyone all the time because my time is limited being a working parent. But like you, I was also one to do the reaching out and planning. It does get tiring to feel like no one else is willing to make the effort. I mean, when someone tries it makes you feel good - like "hey my friend was thinking of me". I can honestly say that I have maybe 2 out of dozens of friends who try. It's kind of shocking. I have pulled back from those who either flake on me all the time or who don't get back to me when I reach out. It's not worth my time anymore.
ReplyDeleteI had several friendships fade away because of this exact reason. I felt like I was the only one making an effort. I took a step back to test my theory and I was right. No phone calls, no getting together once I stopped initiating it. Now I find myself hesitant to end up in the same situation again so I think I have gone the other extreme and now I'm the one who doesn't make the effort as much as I should. I need to find a balance somewhere in the middle. Maybe this group of friends was just what you needed during that first year but they were never meant to be lifelong friends.
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