My Sister

My sister and I have been really close for quite some time. A few weeks/months (not sure) I wrote about her and how she wanted to leave her husband. When she made that decision, I was one of the first people she told. We talked about it all often, and I felt in the loop. She even would send me things about how sisters stick together as we talked about getting tattoos together. 

Flash forward to now. Almost 2 weeks ago my sister came for an overnight with her son. I had no idea how bad she was until I saw her. She's lost a ton of weight and was a shell of her old self. She barely paid any attention to her son or me. I didn't see her smile or laugh once, even at her son. This was the first time she had come to visit in at least 6 months. She spent a majority of the time sitting in her car smoking cigarettes alone. When I asked if she wanted to do anything, she had a headache. To say it was a tough visit is an understatement. I felt horrible for her and the way she was doing, but also horrible for her son she basically ignored the entire time she was here, throwing crap food in his direction if he asked. I barely felt like she spent time together because she was on her phone or smoking in her car so much. It was not the visit I had looked forward to, it was an escape for her. 

I'm really not trying to make this all about me because I know she's going through a lot personally. She's obviously super depressed and likely needs medication. I know she mentioned it initially, but as far as I know hasn't done anything about it. She's confused as she has absolutely no idea what's she doing or what she wants. Even though she moved out she's still spending a lot of time with Dave. She's going to his house every night and morning to put Benny down and be there when he gets up.

Initially she told me there wasn't anyone else despite what everyone was saying. She was adamant there was no one, just a friend from high school she was talking to as he was going through a breakup too. 

The thing is, I don't trust her anymore. As more time goes by, it's obvious she's talking to that guy. When she came out she was showing me his picture and when I commented that he was a little overweight she was like,"That's fine."  She talked about how she found some building she wanted to turn into a hair salon and he wanted to help her and back her financially. How are you not talking with/dating that person when you say things like that?

We haven't talked basically since she came to visit (almost 2 weeks ago) and that's highly uncommon. We seriously used to talk almost every day. She always called me on her drives home from work. I've called and texted and basically gotten zero reply. 

It's hard not to feel let down by my whole family. When my parents used to disappoint (which unfortunately is a pretty regular occurrence for one reason or another), my sister and I always had each other to lean on. Our last trip to Albany resulted in some serious conflict with my dad and step mom. You know, that time we drove our 3 kids 3 hours out to my step-sisters baby shower and got a hotel only to find out my kids weren't invited. My mom is spotty at best, coming and going depending on her mood. She's been "bad" since she returned from Florida in May so I haven't seen her much. I guess it feels like my family was held together by my friendship and relationship with my sister and now that's falling apart too.  

 Lately it feels like I've lost my best friend. 

Tick Tock

The clock is not moving fast enough. This whole "month off" thing feels like it is taking forever! I guess I didn't realize how bad I still was feeling about things until this morning. I haven't wanted to work any day this week. Time seems to be dragging, especially without anything too great to look forward to.

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 I have my list of questions ready for my appointment tomorrow, so we shall see what transpires from it all. I also will have an ultrasound so can get an idea as to whether this cycle will be ovulatory or not. If not, I think I will ask for a prescription for progesterone so I can start that within a reasonable time frame and not have to wait forever for AF to show up again.

I bought a bunch of OPK's but I'm not holding my breath. I started using them this morning and the second line was pretty darn faint. I have a whole bunch and can pee on things with reckless abandon so that should help pass the time.

I've been looking at the profiles of women who donate their eggs for my clinic and have been feeling more comfortable about going that route if need be. It's not ideal, but heck, I can pick someone smarter than me! There is so much information in the profile including what they got on the SAT's, educational background, family history, previous cycle history, pictures, etc. I have to laugh that there is more information available about their families than we know about my own. Both of my parents were adopted and neither of them know their birth parents. My dad is in contact with two sisters, but thats all. It seemed like all of the good looking ones were already matched and it felt a little like online dating, but it's interesting to look at the profiles if nothing else. My clinic just introduced a new egg donor program and the prices are pretty good, much better than what I thought they would be. I'm more comfortable with donated eggs than adoption at this point, especially because as far as anyone else would be concerned it would be our child. I'd like to experience pregnancy so this is the next best option.

I guess I'm expecting my RE to tell me my eggs are crap tomorrow. I'm prepared at least. We have our frozen embryos and another fresh IVF already paid for, so I guess the most productive thing at this point is to look towards those with a positive mind frame.

I do know my face is breaking out, I feel super fat and crappy about my body (big surprise after another failed cycle), and I've been extra moody. I feel like I'm going through rehab and am detoxing. The headaches have been pretty darn consistent as well.

Oh yeah, my HCG level was negative at under 5 this week. Yay, right?!?

A Job Poorly Done

The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.

Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible. 

When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me. 

Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months.  I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility? 

My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding. 

Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.

I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.    

Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!

Mind over matter

My hubby and I have been talking a lot the past few days about my mood and attitude towards this cycle. This week I was feeling SO down and couldn't figure out why. It was worse than after the miscarriage; I was feeling so depressed. I know it sucks to have follicles on the wrong side, but really Liz? I was tired all the time, struggling to make it through each work day, feeling somewhat anxious and unable to focus on anything, and crying a lot. Each day as the week went on all I wanted to do was come home and curl up on the couch or in bed and cry. It was bad. Well, last night we were talking and it all started to come together. I started feeling my mood change as soon as I started the Clomid. My hubby agreed that I haven't been myself since starting it (the past 2 or so weeks). It started as moodiness and feeling short tempered and evolved into depression. It is hard to think that something so small could affect you so much, but I'm pretty sure that is the culprit. I'm not prone to getting depressed and have dealt pretty well with all of this infertility crap. I try to keep a positive mind frame and not dwell on the things I cannot control. This was definitely the worst I have felt during the past 9 months in dealing with everything. I was starting to wonder whether it had all built up to this point, but now I'm starting to doubt that. I blame it on the Clomid. 

Having said that I am able to feel much better. I consulted Google last night and found SO MANY entries on forums and boards where people said that Clomid made them depressed. My mind and body were telling me not to repeat the IUI and give up because I was subconsciously aware that it was the Clomid and I didn't want to repeat the process. I found faults with every avenue of my treatment this cycle and was ready to switch RE's. I have had great experiences with my clinic up until this month where my judgment was clouded, and therefore, so were my feelings about everything. 

Having said all of that I plan to make a call to my RE and raise some questions and concerns about this cycle and future ones. I'm not sure what his opinion will be about repeating Clomid, especially given the fact that it made me super depressed. In all fairness, my ovaries responded well, just not my brain. I would love to try something that will give me more than one dominant follicle, even if that means risking more than one baby. 

I am feeling SO MUCH better after realizing that my mood has been affected by Clomid. I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was feeling so terrible about everything. Starting last night I adopted the attitude of mind over matter and I know that I can control my mood and be more positive. 

My hubby smiled at me this morning and said it was good to have me back.