IVF #1 CD 25, Putting myself back together

I haven't posted on my blog in over a week. I needed to step away and pull myself together before I could write again. The disappointment of the way things turned out was overwhelming and it's taken me some time to get myself back into an OK place. I haven't been great about commenting on blogs, and I haven't had much to say on my own blog. It was so hard to feel like I did everything in my power for success and just ended up with some really bad luck. 

My thoughts have been all over the place since last Friday. I got up early last Monday in order to get my HCG and progesterone levels checked again. My HCG was 11 so it was definitely going down and the fluid is still unexplained. On the plus side my progesterone was over 100 which means the PIO worked well for me. My RE thinks the fluid was likely a reaction from my endometrium to the meds, but isn't sure why it happened. He said the drugs don't only stimulate your ovaries but they also stimulate your fallopian tubes and uterus. My lining was at 14 a few days before the transfer which is the thickest I have known it to be outside of when I was pregnant.  I can't tell you how scared I am for my next period.

By that afternoon I called my RE. We spoke on the phone for an hour and I discussed with him my future options and concerns. W and I had been thinking about just skipping the FET and doing another fresh IVF cycle, as were concerned mainly about the financial aspects. After talking to my RE I found out the FET will only be the cost of the meds which are pretty cheap. I paid for an IVF cycle and the cost includes a transfer, so there will be no additional cost for the FET. Even if we had to pay, our clinic only charges $500 for a FET. 

In a sense doing the FET will allow me to feel like we completed the cycle and didn't waste the money. It will give me closure and make me feel like we gave our embryos the best chance for success. I imagine a future where I tell my child that he/she was frozen in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen.  

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this FET working, even though I would love it to. I know the success rates for frozen transfers are lower and my embryos were slow to develop all along. In addition, they were frozen on day 3. Going into the IVF cycle I had been optimistic and the real thought of getting pregnant existed. Once again I feel really far away from being pregnant. 

When I talked with my RE I asked him some questions. He did say that the fact that only one egg fertilized naturally and divided was definitely significant. I've come to accept the fact that infertility for me isn't going to be a day trip, it is a journey around the world. I thought and hoped that Clomid would work for me or that IUI's would be successful. I thought I would get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage, or that I would get pregnant with twins on my first round of IVF. In reality I thought it would all be much easier than it has been. I know I will come out on the other side of all of this a stronger and more grateful person, but the journey has been much bumpier than I ever imagined. 

Dave and all the ladies

My sister's wedding was this weekend, and to be honest, I was glad to not be PUPO. I had to give a speech and was super nervous about that. I was able to stress without more stress (if that makes any sense) and was able to drink, hang out late and really enjoy myself. We were up until 3 last night and I had such a fantastic time. My speech went well and I got some good laughs. My sister looked beautiful and they were so happy together. Listening to the ceremony and the vows definitely made me tear up and think about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other. 

beautiful bride

As we drove home W and I talked about how I thought I was going to be super pregnant at Kate's wedding. The fact that the EDD for my miscarriage is coming up and I don't feel any closer to being pregnant is upsetting. 

My speech (I don't look as nervous as I felt)

Kate and I after the wedding. We look SO much alike in this photo

My RE kept me on progesterone support in hopes that I will shed everything with my next period (including whatever was in my uterus prior to transfer). He switched me from PIO to Prometrium and I took the last pill this morning. I am now waiting for my next period and will have another ultrasound once I stop bleeding. The FET is potentially only a few weeks away so I am excited about that. Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize for not being a better blogger.