Sitting in Limbo

So we finally ended our Christmas celebrations with my Dad and his fiance (for all practical purposes she is my step-mom because they don't really plan to get married.) I was happy we didn't have to travel to Albany, but they only stayed about 3 hours. In total, they drove for double the amount of time they were here!

My Dad is starting a new job on Monday and needs to move into a new apartment before then. I don't think they would have come out at all if they hadn't cancelled the previous weekend due to the huge snowstorm in the Northeast.

It was nice to see them in the short time. We had a great lunch of turkey, brie, and spinach paninis and pineapple. We then opened presents. My step-mom loved her Michael Jackson CD and sang her own renditions of most of the songs when she listed which ones were on the CD. It was entertaining to say the least. 

My step-mom has two daughters who are about the same ages as my sister (30) and myself (27). I'm pretty sure Amanda is 29 and Liz has a birthday two weeks after mine. Amanda has two boys (ages 6 and 2) and got married a little before me. She is all drama and when I got engaged she also needed to get engaged and then get married before we did. I understand though because she did already have two kids. Liz just got married this past summer to a guy who is 41. He has two children from a previous marriage (about 13 and 11) and had a vasectomy after the birth of his second child. In addition, Liz weighs about 90 pounds and never eats much. My step-Mom told me about a conversation she had with Liz where I guess Liz said she hoped to be pregnant by the end of 2011. First of all, she would need to gain about 10 pounds, and secondly they haven't even seen a doctor about the vasectomy reversal they plan to get. It's not that I wish anyone problems getting pregnant, but it bothers me when people make statements like that. Who knows if the vasectomy reversal would even work, and then they have to try too. 

My sister is the oldest, yet she will be the last of us four girls to get married this July. I told her what Liz said, and she said "Well, I hope I get pregnant this year too." She also said she didn't want to be the last at everything. To be honest, I hope we all get pregnant in 2011. I really just hope they don't both get pregnant and not me. 

My newest philosophy in life is you have the idealistic, and then you have the realistic. I think this applies to most things in life. When we first got engaged and I started thinking about and planning our wedding, I was so idealistic. As more time went on I realized I needed to be realistic and cut out or change many of my original "idealistic" ideas. When we first were purchasing our home we thought we would make all these great upgrades and changes (the bathroom, kitchen, deck), but then we moved in. We realized that the bathroom, although totally retro, functions just fine. In addition, we found out we would have to finance IVF and this put the house projects on hold. When it came to starting a family, my hubby was so scared to start trying. He assumed we would get pregnant the first month, and I was kinda disappointed when we didn't. If we had, I would have been 5 1/2 months pregnant. Instead, I was put on birth control pills for a few months, had laparoscopy surgery, and have since been waiting to start our first IVF cycle. Nothing in life really seems to work out and be idealistic. 

So we moved the antique couch to our house today and it looks great in the foyer. My father in law stayed for lunch and we ended up having a conversation about finances. He is planning to buy my car from the bank and charge us less interest. He was a banker before he retired and is really good with his money. He plans to charge me interest, but at a 4% rate rather than the 7% I am paying now. That way, he is making money off his his money and helping us out at the same time. After that, he started talking about retirement accounts. I have been working for about 1 1/2 years at my current job. I didn't start a 401K yet, but hope to do it soon.

 He started to ask if he have money in the bank that I could invest now. I didn't want to say it, but we now look at that money as our "ivf account". My hubby was giving me weird looks like he wanted to tell his Dad what our plans are with our money (he later told me he wasn't giving me any looks). I took this cue and just said "we are about to take on some more expenses" and I think he interpreted it wrong. He said regardless of what our other expenses are (bills, vacations, kids, etc) that we still need to have a retirement account. I wish he understood how much money we are about to spend just to get pregnant, but I wasn't comfortable telling him. We may be telling him if this cycle doesn't work and we need a loan to help pay for another round. 

I have been feeling really nervous about starting the Lupron. I really want to start the injectables, but also am scared. I have been reading forums and blogs, and IVF doesn't always work (big surprise). I am so scared my cycle will be cancelled, or that they won't retrieve any eggs, or I will get OHSS, or the eggs won't fertilize, or they embryos won't continue to divide, or everything will go well up until the pregnancy test. It is so much money, energy, and time to put into something that may or may not work. I want to continue to be optimistic and positive, but also don't want to be shattered if it doesn't work. 

This is a good song to sum up how I have been feeling: Sitting in Limbo by Jimmy Cliff

Sitting in Limbo song

Sitting here in limbo

Waiting for the tide turn.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
So many things I've got to learn.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
Still got some time to search my soul.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.

Sitting here in Limbo
Like a bird ain't got a song.
Yeah, I'm sitting here in Limbo
And I know it won't be long
'Til I make my getaway, now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.

Gonna lead me on now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.