Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A Job Poorly Done

The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.

Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible. 

When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me. 

Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months.  I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility? 

My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding. 

Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.

I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.    

Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!


  1. I made the decision to tell my boss. The deciding factor for me was the amount of stress I already had from cycles. I didn't want to add being secretive and avoidance. It is definitely a personal choice. My boss has been very supportive, so it was good choice for me.

  2. I would 100% tell your boss what's going on. I told my parents and sisters part way into our journey, and it was honestly SO nice to have their support. Sure, they didn't always know what to say, but I could teach them (and RESOLVE was a great resource for that). It was SO much easier to be out of the IF closet. I think it will make you feel a lot better if your bosses know, and you can explain that it's been a whirlwind, but you're ready to step up your game and be more organized about getting the paperwork done in a timely manner.

    Good luck hon...

  3. I didn't tell my parents or sister about my infertility problems, but did end up telling my boss. I had a few close friends that I was able to lean on, but there became a time when I felt that NOT telling people at work was actually adding to my stress. I didn't tell the whole staff, just my boss and a few close colleagues. They were all so supportive that I'm glad I spilled the beans.

  4. Hm, that's a hard one. I had to tell my boss because I'm a teacher and can't just come in late all the time. I kept it very low key, just said we were trying to start a family and were having some issues, so I may neeed to come in late because of doctor appointments. But since you can come in late, you're in a different position. I guess it would depend on the personality of your boss. Do you think they would understand, or do you think they would think you were only telling to excuse your work performance? If it's the latter, that could end up hurting you more.

    As for family and friends, I unfortunately told everyone who would listen or asked. At first I thought it was great to have such a support system, but I quickly came to regret my decision. They started asking me all the time exactly what was going on, and when I did get pregnant I couldn't hide it from them and told my family way sooner than I had wanted.

    I hope you make the right decsion that works for you. Good luck.

  5. I think you are keeping too much inside. I know it sucks for people to know, but you aren't allowing them to support your through this either. You might be surprised. I have told more and more people as time has gone by and I think it might be time to tell your family.
    I told one of my two bosses and she was very understanding. I told her after our loss, how we conceived and that we would be going through IVF again. She told me to do what I needed to do and as long as my work got done, she didn't care when I had to leave for appointments. I needed someone to know what was going on.

    I know it's hard...but you need to start opening up a little. You may explode if you don't let some of the steam out.

  6. I didn't tell my boss. We really didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to have to answer all the questions that I thought would come with the admission. However, in hindsight, I wish I had told some more people. I don't know about my boss in particular, because my job was also pretty flexible and he was an older kind of gruff man. I do think he would have tried to be supportive, but I don't know that it would have helped me (if that makes sense?). Perhaps what I would have done was just tell him that I was experiencing some personal struggles and would really appreciate some grace? Not sure what the "right" answer is. But I do agree with ADS that you seem to be holding a lot in - and that doesn't seem to be working so well for you right now. ((hugs)) I hope you find a good solution, and soon.

  7. I know how you're feeling. We've only told three close friends about our IVF process and infertility. We haven't old any of of our family memebers--mainly due to privacy and not knowing how long this process would take. With regards to your work--maybe mention that you're going through some "medical issues" that has distracted you a little lately and will work on improving your work performance? I don't necessarily think you need to tell them exactly what you're going through if you dont' want to, but if you give them a plausible explanation then perhaps they'll be a little more understanding.

  8. Oh no. I'm so sorry about your work situation. That is so tough. I would have cried all the way through. Good for you for keeping it together the entire time. I agree with everyone else, now that your meeting is over and it doesn't look like you're asking for forgiveness based on infertility, it might be the right time to let them know about your situation. I think they would appreciate your honesty, and most employers do want their employees to be happy and healthy and take care of themselves.

    Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Seems like it can only go up from here. Take care hun.

  9. I'm so sorry that you're going through this... you're week has been hard enough without having to meet with your bosses. I kept my TTC from work for a long time but then needed to tell them... and they were so understanding. It made such a huge difference and maybe your employers will be more understanding than you expect. Is there someone that you can 'sound out' about telling them ? Be gentle on yourself.. diets are great but if they make you feel worse, are they worth it ? Thinking of you always and wish that there was more that I could do to help out xoxo

    PS. I've taken my blog public again today... so it will be much easier to follow from now on :)) xo

  10. I found that when I came out of the IF closet that my life got so much easier at work. I also felt that my relationship with my boss improved because she knew exactly what I was going thru. Her brother and his wife had 11 miscarriages and were going they donor eggs. The more I opened up and shared, the more I healed.

  11. Man....what a shitty few days :( I would have cried too!

    The last time we were going through treatments (pre-baby), I did tell my two bosses...both of whom were females at the time. They handled it very well and it made life a lot easier. Although, one did say stupid stuff like "well, I've heard of people adopting and getting pregnant right away". God-that pissed me off.

    This time, I decided not to tell my bosses. One reason is because one boss is now a guy who gets really uncomfortable with personal stuff like that. The other reason-because I was afraid that my other boss (the female who says stupid things) would say "well you already have one...you should be happy with that". That's totally the kind of thing she would say.

    I wish I had some good advice. Have you ever talked about personal-ish things with them before? Do you have any idea if it would help them understand? I know how you feel about not wanting to tell people. I always hated the pity, the whispered comments about Amanda "having trouble"....it made me feel like a freak.

    I so feel for you, though. I'm going through some boss BS at work right now, and hate hate hate it. It makes the job that much more difficult.

  12. Oh Man. I'm so sorry to read this and what you are going through. I've done the same thing, forgotten to send stuff, schedule meetings, etc. while getting through the haze of infertility. For generally the most part, my boss has been OK; I'm so sorry that you are going through this on top of everything else.

    I told my boss early on, and I'm glad I did, mainly because I've had coworkers (women) try to throw me under the bus because of stuff, mainly stuff thad had nothing to do with me or infertility...but they couldn't resist. He's made some comments about missing meetings that I didn't appreciate but overall, yes. I'd get it out there, mainly because that way they know what's going on, and possibly why your work isn't what it usually is, and also just protectively so that they can't dicriminate against you because of a legitimate and serious medical condition.

    Good luck-I'm thinking of you.

  13. I'm so sorry you had such a crappy day -- especially just coming back from vacation! I don't have a lot of advice on telling people, as we are pretty tight lipped on our journey. I told my hubby though that as we begin this IVF journey, I needed to be able to talk about it more with people. I think the biggest thing that concerns me is if it fails, everyone will know. If I don't tell anyone, then noone will know (I know that is irrational). I have told my boss, but she has been super supportive because she had a difficult time conceiving and had to go through IUI with injectables to get pregnant. The tough thing for me is bad timing, as one of my coworkers (on a 5 person team) is going to be out on maternity leave when our IVF cycle is going on. But I've decided that it doesn't matter -- we need to move forward.

    Whatever you chose about telling people, I hope you feel at peace about it.

    Thinking about you lots!