The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.
Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible.
When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me.
Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months. I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility?
My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding.
Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.
I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.
Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!