This week has not been a fun one. I don't remember my last chemical being this bad. The part I really don't understand is that my hormone levels never got very high this time. So why do I feel so bad?
I started bleeding on Tuesday and am still going strong. It started really heavy and I had a lot of cramps. I've been feeling nauseous and my appetite is off. The worst part though has been the headaches. Nothing can touch them and it feels like I am on day 3 of a migraine. I haven't been able to work full days and have had to cancel some therapy sessions. I am just limping through this week trying to survive. The other thing I feel is overwhelmingly tired. I can't believe how exhausted I am. By 1:00 today I was ready to pass out. I came home early and slept for almost 3 hours and woke up with my headache still lingering.
I'm coming to terms more with taking a month off. I know I need it and am planning a trip to Albany to visit my sister and dad and possibly go to my old college town to go skydiving. I've always wanted to go and now seems like a pretty good time. We also have 2 weddings this month so it will be nice to be able to drink and not have to worry. Weddings are SO MUCH more fun when alcohol is involved.
I've been feeling pretty sad about everything. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's been hard. As I was driving home on Monday I passed the Memorial Day parade traffic. I saw all of these families walking down the street. I started to wonder whether I would have a little hand to hold someday. I get to hold little hands all of the time at work, but none of them are my own child's. I actually started to cry as I thought of the gaping hole I have in my heart that I want so badly to fill with a child. I really hope that I can make W a daddy because it breaks my heart to think of us childless.
Stepping back a little bit makes me wonder how and why I continue to do this. I know the answer, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am just so ready to be past this point in my life and moving on to the next chapter.