getting (hopefully) knocked up at 50 mph

My hubby had his appointment at the andrology lab in the hospital today at 8. I was waiting on a call from him to hear when his sample be ready. He called as I was headed to see my first client and said it would take about 45 minutes, so instead of going to Pre-K to hang with Jonathan, I headed into Syracuse. The drive is about 45 minutes so it would work out.

We were talking on the phone (as I was on my way into Syracuse and he was on his way back) about how I have been feeling and how everything went when we passed each other at 50 mph. We joked that that was one way to get pregnant. I was like wow, your sperm really does rock, you made your deposit going the opposite direction at 50. 

I parked in the drop off/pick up spot at the hospital and put my flashers on. I was picking something up so it seemed appropriate to park there. I had to check in at two different desks and at the second the woman asked me if I was meeting someone there. It was a little awkward to tell her instead I was picking something up.  

It was a little difficult to find the place, but a nice male nurse with short hair in the front and a long ponytail in the back showed me the way. When I got to the desk the guy got me the sample and gave it to me in a mini styrofoam cooler and proceeded to tell me how great it was. He said he hadn't seen the motility that high post-wash in a long time. He gave me a print-out of the info and here it is:

                                     Pre Wash                   Post Wash

Count:                      489.6 million                 320.1

Motility:                       74%                            97%

I got to the office and it was the busiest I have ever seen it. There I was sitting with my mini cooler and everyone else was there to see their GYN. They called me in and took the sample while I emptied my bladder. They then led me into a room and had me undress from the waist down and wait. I was a little surprised to see that the nurse was going to do the procedure, but my RE had warned me that he wouldn't likely be doing it. Both nurses who entered the room commented on how great the count was and said it was rare to see the motility so high. Hardest compliment to respond to ever. 

I had a little bit of cramping initially, but nothing too bad. They then slid a little platform out from the table and had me put my feet up there. They left the room and said "see you in a half hour." My phone was within view, but not reach so I just laid there and tried to meditate and relax.

During the day I called my MIL to tell her how everything evolved for this cycle. My hubby had told her about the dominant follicle being on the left previously, but she didn't know the latest. I told her about her son's count and she didn't really know how to respond. Her best reply was, "that's not something you can put on your resume." This was a fitting reply since W is in the process of finding a job and she recently helped him to edit his resume. We joked that that one only impresses the right crowd.

I left and headed to work. I saw 5 kids today instead of my usual 8, but didn't feel like working late into the afternoon so still ended my day early. I can't exactly explain why, but I am feeling really down. I guess part of it is that over the past 10 months I have gone through a lot. There has been a diagnosis of PCOS, a large cyst that required two surgeries and months of waiting for it to shrink, the news of blocked tubes, the pursuit of an IVF cycle and all of the testing involved followed by an surprise pregnant and then an early miscarriage, a D&C and removal of one tube, and now our first IUI cycle with a dominant follicle on, of course, the left side. Rather than feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle (which I know I should), this afternoon I felt super depressed. There have only been two others times during this process where I have felt this down: 1. When we decided to start trying and I found out I had PCOS and a large cyst meaning we weren't going to be able to try for a while (ended up being 4 months) 2. When I had the surgery to drain the cyst and the HSG revealed both of my tubes were blocked. Both of these times occurred when I was feeling optimistic to start (start trying for a family, start trying after surgery to remove the cyst), and was disappointed by news that meant waiting longer.  I came home and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. I told him how I feel like things keeping getting worse and worse. We have had 2 weeks of happiness in terms of TTC (when I knew I was pregnant before the ultrasound showing the slow heart rate) in 10 months. I have had moments of excitement and optimism here and there, but can't muster feeling that way about IUI's in the future. If I didn't want a baby so badly I would quit.  

I am disappointed in this cycle and the treatment I received from my clinic for the following reasons: no blood work at any time to check hormone levels, a single ultrasound with a trigger given 3 days after the follicle was at 17 mm, no return calls from the nurse until late in the day when previously I have gotten calls from my RE or the nurse within a much shorter timeframe, the nurse performing the IUI, no progesterone support following the IUI (my progesterone levels were in the low average range with my last pregnancy despite support), and no beta scheduled (I will call 2 weeks from tomorrow if I still haven't gotten my period). I am trying my best to be optimistic and hopeful and I would love for the IUI to work, but I am having a hard time convincing myself. I am hoping today was my pity party and I can move on from here and try to be more optimistic.

Time to focus on something else for 2 weeks. We have my brother staying with us all weekend. He is 9 and will be the first one to stay in our newly painted and upgraded guest room. We also have our office paint project still going (I want to paint stripes and we have painted a first coat and taped 1/2 the room).

 Also, we are dog-sitting for a week starting Sunday. We will have 3 dogs in our house all week...aahhh!!! The dog we are watching is less than a year and crazy. I just realized yesterday was our dog's 4th birthday. Maybe we will have to celebrate this weekend. Bring on the fun!