Empty

I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...

Recovery

So the surgery went as well as surgery can go. We got to the hospital at 6 AM and were admitted right away. By 7:15 they came to wheel me down to the operating room. I saw my RE before and he talked to me about his plan and I gave my hubby a kiss. They gave me something before I got to the operating room and it started to work quickly. I remember moving from one bed to the next and seeing a HUGE round light above my head. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room at it was 12:15. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering, but they brought me about 4 warmed blankets which seemed to help. I felt OK and witnessed this guy "Frank" in the bed next to me waking up in a bad place. I heard one of the nurses say they hadn't seen someone waking like this in 21 years. He was trying to get out of the bed, sit up, and pull the oxygen out of his nose. He had about 6 nurses around him and this made me feel like a good patient. I didn't throw up either!! That was pretty great. That ended up coming later unfortunately. 

About 12:45 they brought me back up to my room. I felt much better this time and napped for a bit. My hubby and mother-in-law were in the room and were willing to help in any way possible. They brought my a bagel and some juice. The juice ended up being a bad thing and when they brought me the wheelchair as it was time to leave I got really nauseous. I throw up most of the juice but felt fine after and haven't gotten sick since. The nurse said OJ probably wasn't the best idea, but it was delicious. It was a Nantucket Nectar Orange Mango and I really enjoyed it on the way down. I guess I got a little over zealous and drank too much. 

The pain wasn't too bad but I was bleeding quite a bit. My hubby gave me a short run-down of what the doctor told him after, but I did eventually talk to my doctor about it all. He didn't really say much about the D&C, just that it went fine. He talked more about the laparoscopy and how that went. He said when he went in he tried to just remove the cyst but once he got in open he saw there was more growth into my tube that looked like "cauliflower". He said he was initially very concerned and called it a tumor (this was a bit surprising). They sent it to pathology and got the results as I was still in surgery. Everything was benign, but he did remove it all. I ended up losing my left tube, but it wasn't really functional before. He said the right tube looked healthy and clear and that both ovaries looked great. He said I have everything I need to get pregnant and he is confident I will get pregnant. 

He then talked about where we will proceed in the future. Since my remaining tube is open and my ovaries are fine he said it is similar to an engine needing a jump start in the winter. He seemed to think the Lupron has a flare effect initially and that is what made me ovulate. I was a bit disappointed to find out it hadn't just happened on its own. Oh well, I knew we would need help and I didn't want to just try on our own anyway. I knew I wasn't ovulating regularly, so it is no surprise we will need help to ovulate in the future. 

He wants to do a 3 month plan. First, he was saying we could just do Clomid and see how that worked for 3 months. He then said we would do Clomid and IUI for another 3 months to see how that goes. After that we could try 3 months of injectables and IUI. Injectables are more risky because they pose a higher risk for multiples. I feel like with only one good tube, that risk has got to be decreased. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this and I think I would rather be more aggressive about things. We go back for a post-op appointment in about 2 weeks, so I will be able to talk to him more about my feelings then. 

He said he will probably put me on Metformin. He wants to do the fasting glucose test, but regardless of the results will probably lean towards putting me on it. Does anyone have any advice or experiences with Metformin? I am not thrilled about this prospect, but know it reduces the risk for miscarriage. 

I have been feeling OK. We got home around 6 PM last night and I immediately went to bed. My hubby brought me some soup and I slept most of the night. I got up a few times to use the bathroom and was in a lot of pain once the pain killers wore off. It is worse than last time because I have two additional incisions and they removed my tube and the cyst rather than just draining it like last time. I am a little bummed about losing my tube and being so young, but am looking forward to trying again. My RE said I will get my period soon to shed the lining of my uterus and will probably get another one in either 4 to 6 or 6 to 8 weeks (I don't completely remember.) If that doesn't happen, he can give me something to induce it. I haven't ever had a problem getting my period, so I am hopeful it will happen naturally. 

Otherwise we are just hanging out and have 6 movies we rented as well as Netflix so we are planning to take it easy. It is snowing and looks pretty crappy outside so I am glad to have an excuse to do nothing and stay inside. 

Surgery Day

Well, toady is the day to end the final chapter of this crappy last week. We will be leaving shortly, and I am  a little nervous, but am looking forward to being able to move on. I'm not really nervous about the D&C, really more the laparoscopy. I have done it before so know what to expect, but nothing makes surgery a breeze. I just hope I don't wake up from anesthesia vomiting this time. I told them and they promised to give me the anti-nausea meds before I wake up. We'll see how that goes.

If you just started following my blog and feel it is a bit down and depressing right now, know it is going to improve and we will be successful in this journey called infertility.

My step-mom left me a message last night and said that he first pregnancy was a miscarriage and they thought she would have a difficult time getting pregnant. Well, she got pregnant 6 months later with her now crazy daughter.

Well, we are about to leave so wish me luck. I am so glad we have our new king sized bed that I plan to recover in. We went to the store and got a bunch of movies and some yummy snacks last night so that will help. My mother-in-law is planning to come to the hospital and was a huge help last time. You never know who will come through for you in the end. Here we go....

Sharing my story

First of all, I would like to give a thank you to everyone who has left me comments this week. I feel like ICLW has been great timing for me and that I am getting some much needed support. I have some new followers as well as some new blogs to follow. It is amazing how long the list is and how each story is different, yet similar.

I saw the mother of one of the children I work with today who knew about our entire process. On Friday morning I saw her and she knew I had an appointment that afternoon. She told me to text her with the heart rate. She knows this journey all too well since she went through multiple IUI's, and a few IVF's before she got pregnant. She also had a miscarriage with one of her cycles. She is the ONLY person who knew what was going on with me.

I never texted her on Friday since it wasn't good news. She came to the door today and asked, and I didn't even have to answer. She then invited me in for coffee and gave me a huge hug. It was hard to tell her, but good to have someone to talk to about it other than my hubby. She was encouraging and said that it is hard to hear and that I probably don't want to hear it now, but there are some positives to come out of this. She said her clinic was excited when she had a miscarriage and all she felt like doing was flipping them off. She was very kind and understanding. I can't remember exactly what the conversation covered, but I know I left feeling better. I shed some tears and shared my feelings, and felt good confiding in someone else.

When I left I met up with my Mom and brother. She was going to buy me a late Christmas present (a piece of artwork), but the store was closed so we went to a coffee ship since my brother wanted a hot chocolate. She was in a great mood and really didn't pick up on my bad mood. She is very self involved and completely forgot I was getting surgery at all last time and the news we received after (my tubes were blocked.) She is forgetful and not supportive in these ways. I finally told her I am having surgery again on Thursday. I did not tell her anything about the miscarriage or D&C, just the cyst and laparoscopy. She started to say her usual "I didn't have any problems, I am surprised you are..." when I finally told her when she says these things they don't help or make me feel any better. She responded that I am so sensitive. My reply, "This is a sensitive issue." She then dropped the topic. She is so NOT helpful about all of this and I wish she was a better support for me. Oh well, on to calling my Dad.

I called him and told him everything. He was apologetic and listened as I rambled on and on. He said many nice things and other not so helpful things "relax", "good things come to those who wait", but his intentions were good. He was optimistic about the future and my chances of a successful pregnancy in the future. He was amazed my mom was no help and is so insensitive. He just said "I don't know what happened to her." This makes sense as they got divorced when I was 7. He took it as a compliment that I told him and was able to confide in him rather than the women in my family. He asked if I would tell my sister, and I told him I am not planning on it. The women in my family are more interested in gossip than supporting me and my feelings.

I have had a little bit of spotting. My RE told me I didn't need to continue the progesterone and that I could start bleeding and pass the embryo before the procedure. He said when I stopped the progesterone I would probably start bleeding within a few days. To me this didn't seem like a good option since I opted to do the D&C and have additional surgery accompany it. When I got home Fri I noticed some pink on my pad. I made the decision then to continue the progesterone to prevent any bleeding. I woke up this morning and the pad I was wearing looked like a creamsicle (sorry if TMI). I have been feeling crampy and bloated, but am hoping my body can hold off until Thursday. There are multiple reasons I am continuing Progesterone, and call me selfish if you want, but here they are:

I made the decision to have the D&C and don't want to feel like I am electing for unnecessary surgery. If I pass the content on my own I will only be having the laparoscopy.

I am taking time off from work for the surgery and recovery and can't afford to take more off. I work per diem and am the only income in our house. If I don't work, I don't get paid.

I am not prepared to deal with having a miscarriage at home. I am not in denial about this because I have confronted my feelings about everything and mourned. I have cried a lot and am looking to move past this.

I don't want to wait and wait for this to happen. I want to have closure and be able to move on. 

I don't want to see it. I want to be asleep and wake up and have it all over. 

I am not usually the type of person who chooses medical interventions when not absolutely necessary, but I feel like this is the best decision for me. 

ICLW Week (International Comment Leaving Week)

I kept seeing ICLW mentioned on many of the blogs I follow and finally decided to see what it's all about. I was amazed to see the HUGE list of others struggling with infertility. It definitely makes me feel like this is a larger community than I ever realized. Welcome to anyone who is new!! I hope you enjoy my blog.

I will recap our journey to date:
2003 Met my future hubby working at a local restaurant and we became friends. We both had significant others at the time.
2004 The "summer of love" with W. I call it this because I had a boyfriend at the time, but I fell in love with this new guy after I spent as much time with him as I could. He took me out for drinks on my 21st B-Day because my boyfriend at the time wasn't 21 yet.
Summer of 2005 W and I officially get together this summer and start dating, I go back to my last semester of undergrad while he moves to Wyoming.
Dec 2005 I graduate a semester early and move out to Wyoming with W after Christmas. We move in together.
Winter 2006-2007 we spend this winter again being ski bums in Wyoming. We work for the ski resort and marriage and kids seem a far way off.
Summer 2007 I start a graduate program in Speech-Language Pathology and we move back to NY.
Fall 2007 W starts classes in order to pursue a doctorate program in Physical Therapy.
Summer 2008 W starts his DPT program, we get engaged!!
Spring 2009 I graduate with my master's degree from Ithaca College, I get off BCP's (birth control pills) in order to loose the extra pounds for the wedding. We use other forms of birth control.
10/10/2009 We get married
June 2010 I finally convince my hubby that we should start trying for a family. He is scared and thinks it will happen right away, difficult for him because he doesn't graduate until May 2011. I buy the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and fervently read the entire thing.
July 2010 I go to my regular OB/GYN for a pre-conception check-up and ask them to run blood work since I had a few longer (40-45 day) cycles off the pill. The call the next week and tell me my testosterone levels are high and PCOS is suspected. Referred to an endocrinologist.
July 2010 I go to a local endocrinologist-worst appointment of my life. He tells me I DEFINITELY have PCOS (without using any specific criteria or doing an ultrasound) and wants to put me on Metformin. Tells me I am not ovulating and should not try to conceive at this point.
August 2010 Make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and find the BEST doctor I have ever had. First appointment lasts hours and I am sent for an ultrasound during same appointment. Ultrasound find 8 cm cyst on left ovary as well as "ring of pearls" on both ovaries. RE prescribes BCP to hopefully shrink cyst.
September 2010 Return to RE for scan to see whether cyst has gone done. No changes, laparoscopy surgery scheduled for the end of Oct.
October 2010 Laparoscopy reveals cyst was actually located on my fallopian tube. Cyst is simple and filled with fluid, drained. HSG reveals both tubes blocked. Mild endometriosis found on uterosacral ligaments and cauterized.
November 2010 Post-Op appointment to discuss next moves. RE suggests Lupron for endometriosis in hopes it will clear my tubes or IVF. We make the decision to move forward with IVF.
December 2010 Trial transfer, sonohysterogram, tons of bloodwork, semen analysis. Everything come back fine. Cyst has returned and is about 6-7 cm. Get all the necessary meds for IVF.
January 2011 Start Lupron injections. Proceed with Lupron for 2 weeks and wait for Aunt Flo (AF.) AF never comes and go to RE for suppression check. Early gestational sac found in uterus. Surprise pregnancy!! Progesterone started and ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks. Beta 2057
Febrauary 4 2011 First ultrasound reveals embryo measuring 5 weeks 6 days. Heart beat of 101 (a little low) revealed. Beta levels not rising very fast. Beta 3972. Follow-up ultrasound scheduled for the 18th.
February 18 2011 Ultrasound reveals embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks, no heartbeat found. D&C Scheduled for the 24th as well as laparoscopy to entirely remove cyst.

Although we haven't actually been trying to get pregnant for too long, it really feels like we have been on a roller coaster. This process hasn't been easy, but I have some positives to make from it all:

1. I have an AMAZING husband who supports me fully and is extremely compassionate and caring. I knew this before, but our relationship only gets stronger with each struggle we encounter together.

2. We were able to conceive on our own.

3. My tubes aren't blocked like we thought.

4. I do ovulate on my own (although I think large doses of Vitamin D really helped this process). It may       not happen often, but it did happen at least once.

I am looking to the future and am hopeful we will become parents. I know our journey is no where near over though. Thanks for reading!!

I went to work today and it helped to make me realize that life does indeed continue. I had to get up SUPER early (5 AM) in order to shower and get out the door to make it to my 7 AM pre-op appointment. The appointment was fine and everyone I spoke to was super nice. Last time I went for the pre-op each person who came in the room asked me what procedure I was having done. Today nobody asked. I had to fill out a fetal demise form which wasn't easy, but the nurse was very kind about the whole thing. The drew blood, took a urine sample, gave me instructions, and sent me on my way. Out of curiosity I took a HPT yesterday to see if my HCG levels were falling. Unfortunately it was just as dark as the original ones. Seeing a positive pregnancy test was bittersweet. Thursday can't come soon enough!

Feeling better

If Friday afternoon sucked, Friday night sucked even more. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3AM after I finally took something to help me sleep. I cried and cried and felt terrible. Yesterday was a little better, but I was still feeling pretty down. Today I feel a little better, but have shed my share of tears. 

When I look back on the past month I realize things never looked great. I never had a good feeling about things and was constantly worried. Even after I saw the heart beat I still worried. My beta levels never rose as high as they should have, and my symptoms dropped off. I didn't feel as tired, I never felt nauseous, my boobs stopped hurting as much, etc. I actually took a third pregnancy test the day before my appointment at around 5 and 1/2 weeks. The second line was still there, but it was lighter than the initial tests. There are so many things that point to an impending miscarriage, but I didn't accept them at the time.

We can look at the timeframe and know that the embryo stopped growing around 6 weeks, probably the day of or after my last ultrasound. The week following that was the worst one I had. I woke up several mornings in tears (I didn't know why) and had AWFUL headaches. I was so stressed I realized I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep and ended up getting a night guard from my dentist to help prevent this. He looked at me and said, "You're young, what do you have to be stressed about?" 

I feel badly that I am looking forward to Thursday, but I just want to have this past me. 

My conversation with my RE on Friday made me feel slightly better, but it was still hard. He said that there was likely something wrong with the embryo and that after he saw my last beta levels, he suspected a miscarriage. He never said anything to me because he didn't want me to worry. He also said his wife had a miscarriage a few weeks ago at 6 weeks gestation. 

He was very kind and our appointment lasted about 2 1/2 hours. He talked to me about my options (D&C or just passing the embryo) and the cyst. I had the option to just aspirate it like previously but this time under ultrasound, or I could repeat the laparoscopy and just remove it all together. Initially I decided I would do the D&C and aspirate the cyst, but upon further discussion we all agreed the cyst would probably just return like last time. It is hard to elect to have surgery, but I just want to be rid of the cyst all together. The hardest was when he initially asked me what I wanted to do and I realized he and my husband were both looking at me. This wasn't a decision I wanted to have to make, and it was extremely difficult. I think the D&C will allow me to have more closure and will hopefully help my beta levels to lower more quickly. Especially knowing that growth had stopped two weeks ago, and I never bled at all. 

He said it would probably too early to really talk about it, but my options for the future probably don't include IVF as the best one since we were able to get pregnant on our own. He said the best would be to do a medicated IUI. When I think about it more and realize I have the Gonal-F in the refrigerator, I wonder whether he would let us do an injectable IUI cycle. I have done some research and know these tend to me more successful. I didn't ask him at the time, but I wonder how long we will have to wait before we can start trying again. Although I don't feel like I have mourned this loss completely, I also want to be able to look to the future and be hopeful again. 

I am SO glad we booked a vacation and will be going away somewhere tropical in 3 weeks. I think this will help me to heal and feel better. 

This weekend I indulged in sushi, wine, cold cuts, feta cheese, caffeinated coffee, and everything else I have been missing the past month. I took more hot baths than I can count and was able to stay for as long as I wanted each time. 

My RE doesn't make promises or absolute statements, but he looked at me as I was leaving and said "We will get you pregnant." I looked back at him thinking I just was pregnant and he responded "It will be a good one."

Although I am starting to accept that this wasn't meant to be, I still miss feeling optimistic and pregnant. We had started talking about everything in terms of being pregnant and my due-date, and now I have to shift back to not being pregnant again. I feel stupid for letting myself get so far ahead of things, but realize my optimism was important.   

I honestly feel like we will get pregnant again, but I don't want to wait another 7 months for it to happen. This journey has been incredibly hard and painful and I know it's not over yet. 

The ride is officially over

Our 8 week ultrasound showed the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. There was no heart beat to be found. We have a D&C scheduled for Thursday along with a laparoscopy to finally remove that crappy cyst forever.

All I can say is this sucks...

Fix You by Coldplay

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!! I hope everyone was able to celebrate in their own way and take the time to stop and appreciate everything our loved ones do for us. My hubby has been amazing the past month and has really picked up the slack for me around the house. He cooks and does all of the dishes already, but recently has been doing more of the other cleaning tasks. I have to admit, he isn't as thorough as me, but I can let that go. I appreciate everything he does for me so much.

We celebrated on Friday night after my hubby accidently spilled the beans about what he got me. Well, actually I told him I had an idea and he accidently spit the word out. He got me a Kindle and my first purchase was, of course, a pregnancy book (Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy.) I got him the T.V for the kitchen he had already seen and a mount so it can flip down from under the cabinets. I guess this makes him kitchen-bound for life. I can't say I don't LOVE the fact that he cooks all of our meals. 

We had a very low-key weekend and I spent most of Saturday relaxing in bed, napping and watching various things from my laptop. We went to a housewarming party on Saturday and had the in-laws over on Sunday. It is so tempting to tell people, but we want to wait until at least Friday when we can know everything is still going well. We have our appointment for 2:30 on Friday and I am feeling more relaxed about everything. Stressing definitely doesn't help. We originally said we would wait until 12 weeks to tell people, but my resolve is crumbling. If my Mom didn't have such a big mouth we probably would have told people already.

Even though some people say Valentine's Day is silly and we should appreciate each other every day, I think it is a nice to stop and really celebrate our love for each other. W, I appreciate you and everything you do for me.

In other news we booked a Vacation!!! We are Dominican Republic bound the third week of March. I can't wait!!

Updates at 6 weeks

So my RE called yesterday to discuss my ultrasound with me and to answer any questions. The conversation ended up lasting about 25 minutes, but like I have said before he is always extremely thorough and a big talker. The only thing I can say negative about him is that he is never overly optimistic about anything. He always plays the cautious role, but it doesn't always make me feel great. He said the heart beat was in fact a little slow at 101, but that many things can affect it and he didn't think it was "clinically significant." He said if it had been 50 he would be concerned. He also said the most important thing is that they were able to detect a heart beat and that it is there.

We also talked about progesterone and he said as long as the cost isn't too high for me, he wants me to continue until 12 weeks. He would have the nurse call in more of the Endometrin since I ran out this week. I have to say, I'm pretty used to it at this point and the "leakage" doesn't make me nervous anymore. I am not thrilled about taking it until 12 weeks, but whatever I can do to help the baby I am willing to do. It's no big deal at this point. I will have even more to celebrate at 12 weeks!

He also was going to write a script to get my beta and progesterone levels done locally. He said the beta levels weren't that important at this point and he just wants to make sure they are going up. With the heartbeat he seemed pretty confident they were going up.

 I went yesterday and called the clinic this afternoon to get the results. I spoke with the nurse and found out my beta was 3,972 and my progesterone was 14.99. She said an average range for the beta at this point is about 10,000 to 100,000 but when I looked in my "What to Expect" book it said a normal amount at 6 weeks is 1,080 to 56,500. I'm not sure if the nurse was looking at the wrong thing or what, but I'm hoping the levels are fine. I think like the doctor said, as long as they are going up that is what is important. The nurse also said at this point they rely more on the ultrasounds and measuring growth to make sure everything is fine. Next Friday is getting close and the days are passing faster. Seeing fewer kids per day makes life much easier and less stressful.

The nurse also said that the vaginal progesterone doesn't enter your bloodstream and that my levels could be higher "down there" but not detectable in my blood. I'm not sure what to make of that. I know the level is also up from last time.

In other news, I have had headaches the past two days. Nothing I do seems to help except exercise. I find that while I am exercising, this is the only time I don't really feel the headache. I have tried drinking lots of water, eating more snacks and more frequently, upping my protein, etc. but haven't tried Tylenol. I'm the type of person that tries to avoid medicine whenever possible. Most people seem to say that the Tylenol doesn't help. I also had some pretty bad heartburn today which was fun. I had a training meeting for work and was sitting there with a headache, heartburn, and feeling exhausted. Not the greatest since I wasn't even getting paid for it.

I went to the gym with my pregnant co-worker after the meeting and we walked on the track. It was nice to talk and get to know her more. I am making more of an effort to get to know her since our babies will be 4 months apart and she lives about 5 minutes down the road. The funny thing is she bought one of the houses we looked it. She is really nice and we share some kids that we work with in common. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and I would love to tell her, but we have decided not to tell anyone until we are at least 12 weeks along.

I have to make another appointment for the 18th for another ultrasound. I think the RE said at this point as long as everything looks good, he will send me on to a OB/GYN.

I went to David's Bridal to look at Matron of Honor dresses last night and I remember why I don't like that place. The woman who was helping me was helping about 3 other people, so wasn't much help. She also said I need to order my dress ASAP. How am I supposed to know what size I will be in July? When I told her I was pregnant but haven't told people yet, she didn't respond at all. I guess I was kinda expecting a "Congratulations." I think I will look elsewhere since my sister said I can pick my own dress.

Bad Luck

Warning- Bad morning=venting

Lately it seems like things have been happening that are out of my control and either disappointing or upsetting.

I got a call from my RE yesterday saying that the heart beat was indeed a little slow. He said he wasn't "clinically significant", but worth noting. I will go back on the 18th and see how things look then. Great, another 2 weeks of worry.

Last Friday my husband got home first. I had ordered him a flat screen TV for the kitchen for Valentine's day. Well, the person who shipped it just put the shipping tag on the box and he saw what he was getting.

We ordered our new bed this weekend and my husband went and picked up the frame yesterday. We had planned to meet at the mattress store and get the mattress as well. Well, they are closed on Monday and Tuesday.

Last night my husband parked my car in our small garage. He is terrible at parking my car since he drives one of the smallest ones you can find. As I pulled out I smashed my side mirror on the wall of the garage since the car was too far over to the right.

This morning my hair dryer decided to not work.

Yesterday a family cancelled on my AGAIN and when I said this needs to stop happening or I will drop the kid for therapy, the mom got really nasty and told me she didn't want me teaching her kid any more because I am heartless.

In addition, we are supposed to get 2-6 inches of snow today. We have had about 130 inches this season so far, and I am sick of it. I am especially sick of people not shoving their walkways and steps to their houses. You would think if you are expecting someone to come to your house, you would shovel! I am over you winter, I am ready to move on to someone new (spring.) Spring seems SO FAR away right now.

It must be my hormones making me feeling crazy, but life has not been too simple lately. I am hoping my luck will turn around this week and I will start to feel better. I am grateful for our pregnancy and that fact that my hubby is out running to the store to get me a new hair dryer. I am hoping today will be a better day.

5 weeks 6 days

We had our second ultrasound today. As always, the office called me right in and took me to the ultrasound room. As I walked down the hallway with the ultrasound tech looked at me and said, "I was right, wasn't I?" She knew I was pregnant the first time but couldn't say anything to me about it since it had to be confirmed by my RE and beta results. She also said my RE said to her "that's nearly impossible" when she told him her findings. 

She was able to find the gestational sac easily, but said the fetal pole was up against the wall of my uterus so hard to fully visualize. Everything measured 5 weeks 6 days which is about on par with what my RE thought. When he confirmed the pregnancy two weeks ago he said to make another appointment in two weeks and that I should be about 6 weeks by then. Well, I was one day off of that. 

She then found the heartbeat which was a tiny little flutter in the upper left hand corner of the screen. I only saw it for a few seconds, but there was definitely some movement there. She then had me hold my breath and was able to measure the heart rate at 101 beats per minute. She said this was fine since it just started beating. 

Here is the ultrasound picture. The highlighted area (with the lines and x's) in the upper left hand area of my uterus is the fetal pole. It is SO TINY. 

Not the best picture, but you can see a little blob that is being measured.

I was a little concerned about the heart rate until I did a little research. I first looked online and it seemed within normal limits for this far along. 

Here is a chart I found from a website and eases my mind:

Fetal Age/ Size of the FetusNormal Fetal Heart rate


2 mm embryo and gestational sac diameter of 20 mm75 bpm

5 mm embryo and gestational sac diameter of 30 mm100 bpm

10 mm embryo120 bpm

15 mm embryo130 bpm

5 Weeks (Beginning)80-85 bpm

5 Weeks starts at 80 and ends at 103 bpm

6 Weeks starts at 103 and ends at 126 bpm

7 Weeks starts at 126 and ends at 149 bpm

8 Weeks starts at 149 and ends at 172 bpm

9 Weeks155-195 bpm (average175 bpm)

12 Weeks

120-180 bpm (average150 bpm)

 I also have the "What to Expect" book and it said at 6 weeks the heart rate should be around 80 beats per minute. 

I was disappointed to find out I wasn't going to see my RE today and would have to wait to hear from him. They also didn't do any blood work, but from the ultrasound, everything looks good. We are really starting to get excited, but the reality of it all still hasn't set in.