Monday, February 28, 2011


I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...


  1. I'm so sorry you are going through so much, Liz. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there isn't. I agree with your husband....try to focus on the supportive people in your life, that's what I have to do when I feel like I don't have a lot of support from friends and family. Remember that only time heals wounds, and that this WILL get better. It takes time though, and you WILL conceive again and a have the beautiful family that you dream about.

  2. It sucks to be sad. While I do have a close family, they are all in AZ, while we are in MI. It is hard to feel like you don't have the support you want/need. Good luck to you, and here's to hoping for a better week!

  3. oh, liz, i'm so sorry. i know it feels like the end of the world, believe me, but i promise you that it will get easier. i wish i could give you a big hug! stay strong and rely on your DH, because together y'all can get through this.

  4. I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing anyone can say to take the hurt and pain away, but I hope that you guys can get pregnant again soon with a take home baby. ::hugs::

  5. Oh Liz..I'm so sorry. I went through the same emotions. I was relieved to have the surgery overwith, so I wasn't expecting the second wave of grief that came a few days later. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, so just know that I'm contining to think of you ((hugs))

  6. liz, i've had 3. the 2nd & 3rd were at about 5 weeks and the 1st was at 10 weeks, which required a D&C. i don't blog much about them, though. they're never easy to go through or get over, but it is possible to heal from them. if you ever need to talk, feel free to email me at storkdropzone at gmail dot com

  7. Hi, I just started reading your blog and I am so incredibly sad for you. I have never had a miscarriage (I've never been pregnant either), but I can imagine how hard it would be.
    My hope is that you heal and find some peace soon. You have a great support system (besides your mom) and you still have a chance. Keep your chin up, feel what you need to feel, and keep trying. That's what I am doing. It's all we CAN do.

    I would also suggest taking Metformin. I have been on it a year (extended release) and have pretty regular cycles now. The digestion issues are definately there, but it will be worth it in the end.

    I am glad to have found you and wanted to come over for support (from ICLW). You are not alone.

    Visit me if you get a chance. All the best.