Empty

I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...