Was it Just a Dream?

Being pregnant this time around doesn't even really feel like it happened. It was so short lived and not full of much excitement or joy. I asked W today if it ever even really happened. 

AF showed early this morning after a week of pretty bad lower back pain and cramping. This had started prior to stopping my meds but I brushed it off. I don't usually get back pain with my periods so this has been super unpleasant. Today wasn't the most fun. I broke out the heating pad and snuggled with that for a bit on the couch. Lots of heavy bleeding and clots paired with cramps and lower back pain...good times. I was surprised by how quickly AF showed though (3 days after stopping my meds). 

I have an appointment tomorrow for a repeat beta and they said if I had started bleeding they could also do an ultrasound. Love those dates with "wandy" while AF is visiting.  

The past few days have been ok. I was honestly more upset when my beta didn't double than I have been after finding out about the chemical pregnancy. Sure, another miscarriage sucks, but I guess I was prepared somewhat for that fate. 

We have had lots of good distractions and delicious eating. Friday night we went out to dinner and saw The Lorax in 3-D. I really liked it and had a great time. Saturday afternoon we went to the Syracuse basketball game and then to my in-laws for dinner. Today we just hung out mostly due to AF. I'm amazed at my ability to smile and laugh so soon after such as crappy few weeks.

Here are some of the delicious things I have enjoyed the past few days:

Sushi and wine

MMMM.. coffee. 

bagel with lox

Greek pasta salad. See those delicious hunks of feta?

Not Good

Today was my first ultrasound. From the title of this post, I'm sure you can tell it didn't go well. I was shaking like crazy and my pulse was super high. They first drew blood and then we started the ultrasound. W was there, holding my hand watching along with me. 

 I knew what we were looking for. After a few seconds, the technician turned the screen more towards herself. She looked and looked, and didn't find anything. There was a small spot that she said could be a gestational sac, but it was really small. We talked about dates, and then she agreed there should at least be a larger gestational sac as well as a fetal pole. None of those things were present. 

She said she couldn't say for sure what was going on and that we had to wait for my HCG results. If my levels continued to rise I would have to return for another scan. There was still a chance for an ectopic pregnancy as well. 

 We talked about whether I had frozen embryos and agreed that things weren't looking good based on the fact that I was supposed to be 6w1d. 

W's face dropped and as he walked out he looked so sad. I felt awful. We sat in the car and said nothing for a while. It definitely wasn't the way we wanted things to go today. 

We went out for breakfast and talked about everything. I had a call from the clinic while we were there and I listened to the voicemail. On the message she said my HCG levels had dropped and for me to call her back. I was honestly glad we weren't going to be stuck in more beta hell and have to repeat the ultrasound. 

I called back and talked to the NP. She said my HCG levels had dropped to 16.8 and to stop all of my meds. She said I should get a period within 1-2 weeks, but perhaps sooner. I have to go back monday to get my HCG levels checked again. I asked about a RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) panel, but since this pregnancy is considered chemical, she didn't think insurance would cover the cost. She welcomed me to call the financial advisor to find out. She then said we could treat the next cycle as if I do have RPL issues. We will use Lovenox and probably add IV intralipids. Apparently these help to suppress the immune system. 

We then talked about a FET. I guess I can go ahead the next cycle, but with our vacation (last week of March), I'm not sure how the timing will work out. She said once I get my period and my HCG is negative, I could start estrogen. 

 I can't say I'm extremely surprised. When my initial levels were low and didn't double Dr. Google did not give me promising news. Apparently only about 15% of pregnancies that don't double in a timely fashion turn out OK. Big surprise I fall into the 85%. 

Bring on the hot baths, wine, and sushi. 

Polypectomy

Polyp free is the way to be!! Surgery was Wednesday and everything went fine. This time it was at a surgery center instead of the hospital so I was there a much shorter amount of time. My doc said I started to shake and my body temperature dropped during the procedure, but it wasn't a big deal. I guess I will do anything for those heated blankets, conscious or not.

When Dr.S met the resident prior to the surgery and started to give my history he started with... "Elizabeth and I go way back." It seems his opinion about the miscarriage is that it was caused by low progesterone. Even though this is just an idea, it helps me feel more confident in preventing a miscarriage in the future.

I took Wednesday and Thursday off from work to stay home and relax. It was nice to not be working even though I didn't really feel like I needed the time off.

Dr. S removed at least 1 polyp, I can't remember if there are more. He took me off the BCP's and I need to go back for an appointment some time around 2 weeks. He mentioned doing another sonohysterogram before the FET to make sure everything looks good, but we will see.

He said it is unlikely the polyps would come back, but knowing me, this feels so much more likely. He said he is going to talk with his colleagues and do research to see if there is another recommended protocol. I'm nervous about the future but also feel so ready for another cycle.  

Unfulfilled

Today is the day that I could have become a mother. Instead I'm trying to stay positive, trying to keep my head up. 

My mood goes from feeling happy and satisfied to sad and like there are a ton of bricks on my chest. I thought I would be pregnant at this point. When I got pregnant I was convinced it would happen again easily. Easy is not an accurate word to describe this journey. 

 I thought having a baby was supposed to be fun, exciting, and pleasurable. Instead, the past 15 months have been trying to say the least. I have shed so many tears and learned a lot about myself. I felt sad, happy, excited, and depressed all within an hour's time a thousand times over. 

I wish I was holding an adorable lovable baby today. Instead, I will hug my hubby and furbabies and be glad for everything we do have. I'm not a mommy yet, but I know I will be someday soon. 

Empty

I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...

The ride is officially over

Our 8 week ultrasound showed the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. There was no heart beat to be found. We have a D&C scheduled for Thursday along with a laparoscopy to finally remove that crappy cyst forever.

All I can say is this sucks...

Fix You by Coldplay

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"