Balance

There are so many things we struggle with when faced with infertility. The thing I have struggled most with is finding balance. Typically this is not something I have trouble with. I have always considered myself a pretty balanced person. That is, until I had trouble making a baby. 

This past month I have found myself in a very different place then I've been for the past year. At first I was disappointed and angry I couldn't do another cycle right away. Then I found peace. Well, I haven't mastered this yet but I'm really working on it. 

Switching clinics was a great thing. I am glad I did it. But it added an extra thing to obsess over... an online database where I could find all of my information from each appointment. At my first clinic I had to specifically ask and felt like I was bothering them to get this information. Now, I easily log on to find updated E2 levels, numbers of follicles, etc.

I've made some realizations. I've realized I obsess far too much over each cycle. The numbers in particular. Throughout this journey I have been bombarded with numbers. Numbers that I read far too much into. Numbers that determined my happiness. Estradiol levels, progesterone levels, LH levels, dosage amounts, follicle numbers and sizes, HCG levels, TSH levels, numbers of eggs, number of fertilized eggs, number of embryos of day 3/5, grades of embryos, and the list continues. What I've come to realize is that these numbers don't matter. What matters is whether I get pregnant or not, and nothing else. None of these numbers lead to success or failure, they are just added things to stress over.  

I've blogged about this SO many times. Talked about how I gave up control. But honestly, I never did. I'm accepting my obsessive nature and trying to change that. 

It's easy for me to say these things now since I'm not doing a cycle. I'm not getting any numbers to plug into google. But I am really trying to stay more grounded, obsess less, and leave things up to chance/luck/my RE/anything else you want to add.

The balance part comes in knowledge. Knowledge is power and we are always our best advocates. I enjoy learning and have become empowered with my knowledge. When and how do you draw the line between being a knowledgeable advocate for yourself and obsessing too much?

A Big Fall

Yesterday I stopped at my mom's house to heat up my lunch. Since I drive around and don't schedule a lunch time for myself I often have to use whatever microwave is convenient. Is just happened I had a visit scheduled and a bit of time to waste beforehand and was in their neighborhood. They are in Florida so the garage doors were closed. This left the outside steps to go up. I remember thinking they were slippery going up, but obviously it didn't stick. 

I ate my soup, which was delicious, and gave the cat some love. I then headed out, glass pyrex container in one hand and some minty chocolate cookies in the other. We don't generally buy sweets but I can always count on my mom's house to get some. It was pouring so I was hurrying to get to the car. Well, that was a bad idea.

I slipped and fell down four stairs. It. hurt. so. bad. My butt was soaked and I spent some time moaning about it before getting in my car and driving away. Within a few minutes my arm had already welted up and I was sore. 

Today my arm has a big dark bruise on it. And my butt?? OMG, it's ugly! I don't think I've ever seen such a dark bruise before. It looks black. My back is also sore but there aren't any huge bruises or welts. 

Sitting on the floor on the butt all day wasn't the most fun and I wasn't able to use my forearm to steer while eating, talking on the phone, etc. while I was driving today. Getting in and our of the car and up off the floor was not easy. Not a huge deal, but not a whole lot of fun either. I'm hoping the bruises heal quickly since I already have a leftover knot from progesterone on my butt very close by to the bruise. Do those eventually go away? It's been like 2 weeks and it's still there. 

When I saw it was snowing today I decided if I fell again I would just have to cancel the rest of my day and go home and hide in bed. Luckily, everyone had salted their walkways and I remained on my feet all day. Here's to hoping I don't fall again this winter. 

ICLW Week (International Comment Leaving Week)

I kept seeing ICLW mentioned on many of the blogs I follow and finally decided to see what it's all about. I was amazed to see the HUGE list of others struggling with infertility. It definitely makes me feel like this is a larger community than I ever realized. Welcome to anyone who is new!! I hope you enjoy my blog.

I will recap our journey to date:
2003 Met my future hubby working at a local restaurant and we became friends. We both had significant others at the time.
2004 The "summer of love" with W. I call it this because I had a boyfriend at the time, but I fell in love with this new guy after I spent as much time with him as I could. He took me out for drinks on my 21st B-Day because my boyfriend at the time wasn't 21 yet.
Summer of 2005 W and I officially get together this summer and start dating, I go back to my last semester of undergrad while he moves to Wyoming.
Dec 2005 I graduate a semester early and move out to Wyoming with W after Christmas. We move in together.
Winter 2006-2007 we spend this winter again being ski bums in Wyoming. We work for the ski resort and marriage and kids seem a far way off.
Summer 2007 I start a graduate program in Speech-Language Pathology and we move back to NY.
Fall 2007 W starts classes in order to pursue a doctorate program in Physical Therapy.
Summer 2008 W starts his DPT program, we get engaged!!
Spring 2009 I graduate with my master's degree from Ithaca College, I get off BCP's (birth control pills) in order to loose the extra pounds for the wedding. We use other forms of birth control.
10/10/2009 We get married
June 2010 I finally convince my hubby that we should start trying for a family. He is scared and thinks it will happen right away, difficult for him because he doesn't graduate until May 2011. I buy the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and fervently read the entire thing.
July 2010 I go to my regular OB/GYN for a pre-conception check-up and ask them to run blood work since I had a few longer (40-45 day) cycles off the pill. The call the next week and tell me my testosterone levels are high and PCOS is suspected. Referred to an endocrinologist.
July 2010 I go to a local endocrinologist-worst appointment of my life. He tells me I DEFINITELY have PCOS (without using any specific criteria or doing an ultrasound) and wants to put me on Metformin. Tells me I am not ovulating and should not try to conceive at this point.
August 2010 Make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and find the BEST doctor I have ever had. First appointment lasts hours and I am sent for an ultrasound during same appointment. Ultrasound find 8 cm cyst on left ovary as well as "ring of pearls" on both ovaries. RE prescribes BCP to hopefully shrink cyst.
September 2010 Return to RE for scan to see whether cyst has gone done. No changes, laparoscopy surgery scheduled for the end of Oct.
October 2010 Laparoscopy reveals cyst was actually located on my fallopian tube. Cyst is simple and filled with fluid, drained. HSG reveals both tubes blocked. Mild endometriosis found on uterosacral ligaments and cauterized.
November 2010 Post-Op appointment to discuss next moves. RE suggests Lupron for endometriosis in hopes it will clear my tubes or IVF. We make the decision to move forward with IVF.
December 2010 Trial transfer, sonohysterogram, tons of bloodwork, semen analysis. Everything come back fine. Cyst has returned and is about 6-7 cm. Get all the necessary meds for IVF.
January 2011 Start Lupron injections. Proceed with Lupron for 2 weeks and wait for Aunt Flo (AF.) AF never comes and go to RE for suppression check. Early gestational sac found in uterus. Surprise pregnancy!! Progesterone started and ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks. Beta 2057
Febrauary 4 2011 First ultrasound reveals embryo measuring 5 weeks 6 days. Heart beat of 101 (a little low) revealed. Beta levels not rising very fast. Beta 3972. Follow-up ultrasound scheduled for the 18th.
February 18 2011 Ultrasound reveals embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks, no heartbeat found. D&C Scheduled for the 24th as well as laparoscopy to entirely remove cyst.

Although we haven't actually been trying to get pregnant for too long, it really feels like we have been on a roller coaster. This process hasn't been easy, but I have some positives to make from it all:

1. I have an AMAZING husband who supports me fully and is extremely compassionate and caring. I knew this before, but our relationship only gets stronger with each struggle we encounter together.

2. We were able to conceive on our own.

3. My tubes aren't blocked like we thought.

4. I do ovulate on my own (although I think large doses of Vitamin D really helped this process). It may       not happen often, but it did happen at least once.

I am looking to the future and am hopeful we will become parents. I know our journey is no where near over though. Thanks for reading!!

I went to work today and it helped to make me realize that life does indeed continue. I had to get up SUPER early (5 AM) in order to shower and get out the door to make it to my 7 AM pre-op appointment. The appointment was fine and everyone I spoke to was super nice. Last time I went for the pre-op each person who came in the room asked me what procedure I was having done. Today nobody asked. I had to fill out a fetal demise form which wasn't easy, but the nurse was very kind about the whole thing. The drew blood, took a urine sample, gave me instructions, and sent me on my way. Out of curiosity I took a HPT yesterday to see if my HCG levels were falling. Unfortunately it was just as dark as the original ones. Seeing a positive pregnancy test was bittersweet. Thursday can't come soon enough!