Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sharing my story

First of all, I would like to give a thank you to everyone who has left me comments this week. I feel like ICLW has been great timing for me and that I am getting some much needed support. I have some new followers as well as some new blogs to follow. It is amazing how long the list is and how each story is different, yet similar.

I saw the mother of one of the children I work with today who knew about our entire process. On Friday morning I saw her and she knew I had an appointment that afternoon. She told me to text her with the heart rate. She knows this journey all too well since she went through multiple IUI's, and a few IVF's before she got pregnant. She also had a miscarriage with one of her cycles. She is the ONLY person who knew what was going on with me.

I never texted her on Friday since it wasn't good news. She came to the door today and asked, and I didn't even have to answer. She then invited me in for coffee and gave me a huge hug. It was hard to tell her, but good to have someone to talk to about it other than my hubby. She was encouraging and said that it is hard to hear and that I probably don't want to hear it now, but there are some positives to come out of this. She said her clinic was excited when she had a miscarriage and all she felt like doing was flipping them off. She was very kind and understanding. I can't remember exactly what the conversation covered, but I know I left feeling better. I shed some tears and shared my feelings, and felt good confiding in someone else.

When I left I met up with my Mom and brother. She was going to buy me a late Christmas present (a piece of artwork), but the store was closed so we went to a coffee ship since my brother wanted a hot chocolate. She was in a great mood and really didn't pick up on my bad mood. She is very self involved and completely forgot I was getting surgery at all last time and the news we received after (my tubes were blocked.) She is forgetful and not supportive in these ways. I finally told her I am having surgery again on Thursday. I did not tell her anything about the miscarriage or D&C, just the cyst and laparoscopy. She started to say her usual "I didn't have any problems, I am surprised you are..." when I finally told her when she says these things they don't help or make me feel any better. She responded that I am so sensitive. My reply, "This is a sensitive issue." She then dropped the topic. She is so NOT helpful about all of this and I wish she was a better support for me. Oh well, on to calling my Dad.

I called him and told him everything. He was apologetic and listened as I rambled on and on. He said many nice things and other not so helpful things "relax", "good things come to those who wait", but his intentions were good. He was optimistic about the future and my chances of a successful pregnancy in the future. He was amazed my mom was no help and is so insensitive. He just said "I don't know what happened to her." This makes sense as they got divorced when I was 7. He took it as a compliment that I told him and was able to confide in him rather than the women in my family. He asked if I would tell my sister, and I told him I am not planning on it. The women in my family are more interested in gossip than supporting me and my feelings.

I have had a little bit of spotting. My RE told me I didn't need to continue the progesterone and that I could start bleeding and pass the embryo before the procedure. He said when I stopped the progesterone I would probably start bleeding within a few days. To me this didn't seem like a good option since I opted to do the D&C and have additional surgery accompany it. When I got home Fri I noticed some pink on my pad. I made the decision then to continue the progesterone to prevent any bleeding. I woke up this morning and the pad I was wearing looked like a creamsicle (sorry if TMI). I have been feeling crampy and bloated, but am hoping my body can hold off until Thursday. There are multiple reasons I am continuing Progesterone, and call me selfish if you want, but here they are:

I made the decision to have the D&C and don't want to feel like I am electing for unnecessary surgery. If I pass the content on my own I will only be having the laparoscopy.

I am taking time off from work for the surgery and recovery and can't afford to take more off. I work per diem and am the only income in our house. If I don't work, I don't get paid.

I am not prepared to deal with having a miscarriage at home. I am not in denial about this because I have confronted my feelings about everything and mourned. I have cried a lot and am looking to move past this.

I don't want to wait and wait for this to happen. I want to have closure and be able to move on. 

I don't want to see it. I want to be asleep and wake up and have it all over. 

I am not usually the type of person who chooses medical interventions when not absolutely necessary, but I feel like this is the best decision for me. 


  1. I chose D&C too (oh, my backstory: I had an unplanned, unsuccessful pregnancy in 2008, decided not to try again since I hadn't been trying before, and wound up with post-traumatic stress disorder). It was very important to me to have the surgery so that I could wake up and have it - at least the physical part of it - all be over. My doctors, however, kept putting off my surgery date because they wanted to make certain certain certain nothing was ever going to grow (?!), so I ended up passing half of it naturally, the night before my D&C. Glad you have a way to prevent that from happening, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Also, I'm so sorry your female family members suck, and that you're losing your CIL's awesome boyfriend, too :(

  2. I don't think you are selfish at all. In this process, I sincerely believe that you need to do what is right for you. And if the D&C is right for you, tell others who say you are wrong to screw off.

    Sooo many positive vibes coming from me to you.

  3. 1) I am so damned sorry you are going through a loss and not finding support from the women in your family.

    2) I've had many losses and multiple D&Cs. One D&C was to finish off a loss that started on it's own. The loss that started on it's own was it's own special kind of hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I totally think you are making the right decision.

    3) I hope the future is kind to you and you are able to grow your family soon.

    {{{Hugs}}} and prayers

    ICLW #19

  4. I've had 2 DNC's and I can tell you they were the best decisions I've made. I knew that I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle miscarrying at home and it was so much easier to schedule it. I went to sleep, felt nothing, woke up, and it was all over. I dont blame you for opting for the DNC. If I have any more miscarriages, I'll opt for one every time.

  5. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the all support you need from your family, although your Dad sounds like he genuinly means well, he just doesn't know how to put it into words.

    My heart breaks for you because I've been there, but all I can say is that it does get better. Of course I'm still sad when I think about the m/c's, but at the same time, they give me hope.

    I hope the D&C will help to give you closure. I tried a medical termination (suppositories), and not everything came out. I had to have a D&C in the end anyways. Now I wish I had just gone for the D&C in the first place because miscarrying at home was fucking hard. So I think you've made the right decision.

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow...

  6. I don't think that I could go through a m/c at home either. I am sorry that you are going through this right now without the support of your mom or sisters, but it seems like you have a lot of support from your dad and from your blog friends. I hope that you feel better soon!


  7. I'm so very sorry for your loss. And that you aren't getting the support you need from your family... sometimes people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything, and that just sucks.

    I've had 2 m/c's. The first one I did a D&C for exactly the reasons you mention. I wanted to have it over and done with. The second time around was only four months after my first loss, and my doc didn't want to do another surgery so soon, so it happened naturally. It was pretty darn horrible, and to top it off, it happened while I was at work. I think a d&c is the best way (but that's my opinion).

    You asked a couple of questions on my blog...
    no, I don't sleep on my back. I just have to get my glasses adjusted often. And about our angel-babies... They didn't do any testing and I don't know *for sure* that they were girls. But in my heart they were, and choosing names for them was a big part of my grieving/healing process.

  8. I think you're so brave and strong to be able to make your decision. Only you know what is best for you. We have so little control over everything else that any decisions we do make, in the right frame of mind, are clinged to.

  9. Just wanted to say I completely respect and agree with what you decided. If I were ever in the same position, I would do the same.

    I am incredibly sorry for your loss, and just wanted to send some love and support.

  10. ICLW

    I'm so sorry for the lack of support. I completely agree with your reasons for your decision - you know yourself best and it's in your best interest to take care of yourself in your own way.