Feeling better

If Friday afternoon sucked, Friday night sucked even more. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3AM after I finally took something to help me sleep. I cried and cried and felt terrible. Yesterday was a little better, but I was still feeling pretty down. Today I feel a little better, but have shed my share of tears. 

When I look back on the past month I realize things never looked great. I never had a good feeling about things and was constantly worried. Even after I saw the heart beat I still worried. My beta levels never rose as high as they should have, and my symptoms dropped off. I didn't feel as tired, I never felt nauseous, my boobs stopped hurting as much, etc. I actually took a third pregnancy test the day before my appointment at around 5 and 1/2 weeks. The second line was still there, but it was lighter than the initial tests. There are so many things that point to an impending miscarriage, but I didn't accept them at the time.

We can look at the timeframe and know that the embryo stopped growing around 6 weeks, probably the day of or after my last ultrasound. The week following that was the worst one I had. I woke up several mornings in tears (I didn't know why) and had AWFUL headaches. I was so stressed I realized I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep and ended up getting a night guard from my dentist to help prevent this. He looked at me and said, "You're young, what do you have to be stressed about?" 

I feel badly that I am looking forward to Thursday, but I just want to have this past me. 

My conversation with my RE on Friday made me feel slightly better, but it was still hard. He said that there was likely something wrong with the embryo and that after he saw my last beta levels, he suspected a miscarriage. He never said anything to me because he didn't want me to worry. He also said his wife had a miscarriage a few weeks ago at 6 weeks gestation. 

He was very kind and our appointment lasted about 2 1/2 hours. He talked to me about my options (D&C or just passing the embryo) and the cyst. I had the option to just aspirate it like previously but this time under ultrasound, or I could repeat the laparoscopy and just remove it all together. Initially I decided I would do the D&C and aspirate the cyst, but upon further discussion we all agreed the cyst would probably just return like last time. It is hard to elect to have surgery, but I just want to be rid of the cyst all together. The hardest was when he initially asked me what I wanted to do and I realized he and my husband were both looking at me. This wasn't a decision I wanted to have to make, and it was extremely difficult. I think the D&C will allow me to have more closure and will hopefully help my beta levels to lower more quickly. Especially knowing that growth had stopped two weeks ago, and I never bled at all. 

He said it would probably too early to really talk about it, but my options for the future probably don't include IVF as the best one since we were able to get pregnant on our own. He said the best would be to do a medicated IUI. When I think about it more and realize I have the Gonal-F in the refrigerator, I wonder whether he would let us do an injectable IUI cycle. I have done some research and know these tend to me more successful. I didn't ask him at the time, but I wonder how long we will have to wait before we can start trying again. Although I don't feel like I have mourned this loss completely, I also want to be able to look to the future and be hopeful again. 

I am SO glad we booked a vacation and will be going away somewhere tropical in 3 weeks. I think this will help me to heal and feel better. 

This weekend I indulged in sushi, wine, cold cuts, feta cheese, caffeinated coffee, and everything else I have been missing the past month. I took more hot baths than I can count and was able to stay for as long as I wanted each time. 

My RE doesn't make promises or absolute statements, but he looked at me as I was leaving and said "We will get you pregnant." I looked back at him thinking I just was pregnant and he responded "It will be a good one."

Although I am starting to accept that this wasn't meant to be, I still miss feeling optimistic and pregnant. We had started talking about everything in terms of being pregnant and my due-date, and now I have to shift back to not being pregnant again. I feel stupid for letting myself get so far ahead of things, but realize my optimism was important.   

I honestly feel like we will get pregnant again, but I don't want to wait another 7 months for it to happen. This journey has been incredibly hard and painful and I know it's not over yet.