Frozen Embryos

I used to joke that I had embryos all over the state. We have 5 here locally in Syracuse with Dr. K and then we have 2 that are currently residing in Manhattan at Dr. B's clinic. 

When we first started with Dr. K we bought a package IVF deal. For $7500 we purchased 3 fresh IVF cycles with unlimited frozen cycles. We signed a contract that all of these cycles had to be completed within a certain timeframe. 

After our second fresh cycle with Dr. K resulted in my third early miscarriage I met with one of the doctors. He told me I just needed to keep trying and that it was a numbers game. He didn't think my history warranted recurrent pregnant loss testing despite me practically begging for it. He was willing to treat me as if I had problems without actually testing for them (using intralipids, lovenox. etc). That didn't sit well with me so that's when we first scheduled a consult with Dr. B. At that point I had completed 2 of the 3 cycles we had paid for. 

Dr. B had different ideas for medications, protocols, etc for me. The thing was, I didn't want to jump in to that with a cycle already paid for. So, I got Dr. B to manage my last cycle with Dr. K. We did a freeze all since I used a Lupron trigger. We froze 7 embryos. The next month we transferred 2. Although I had faint positives on tests my HCG came back at below 5, so negative. At that point I was exhausted and so discouraged with treatments. I wrote Dr. B an email and he told me I needed to give it one more try before I decided the treatment didn't work. 

We thought about it for a while. Since I had transferred 12 embryos with that clinic without a take-home baby we decided if we were going to give it one more try we were going to go all in. We decided to do our last cycle with Dr. B at his clinic. I got pregnant with twins and we froze 2 embryos. 

Last year around this time I got a bill to continue to store our 5 embryos here in Syracuse. I called to speak with an embryologist because we were supposed to pay $600. I thought about keeping half of them so we didn't have to pay the full amount. When I spoke with them they told me they could put them all into one spot and only charge us $300. So, we paid it. 

The thing is, another year has passed. We once again got our $300 bill and W said, "I just can't picture paying it." 

If we decided to try for more children we would definitely use our 2 embryos in Manhattan first. As much as I'm not thinking any of those 5 embryos could be my future child/children, I hate the idea of just giving up on them. I went through so much to get them. I don't think I'd be comfortable donating them to another couple. Although it's not set in stone, both W and I have said we wouldn't want to go through another fresh cycle. 

So, we have to make some decisions soon. I'm hoping that W will agree to continue to pay to store our 5 little frosties here in Syracuse but we will see. I'll likely just put it off until they send me a final notice like last year. 

I know it's not a bad problem to have, but it really is difficult to make these decisions. 

Another Negative

There's not a whole lot to say. I was surprised we didn't get a positive this time. I really, really thought this was going to be the one. I feel lost. I don't know what to do moving forward. 

W and I tested the morning of my beta. I was so surprised a second line didn't pop up. We are so disappointed. Yet again. 

We have five frozen embryos left. I'm not sure whether we will use Br.averman for this next cycle. He definitely used a different protocol but I'm not sure it made much of a difference. The biggest differences were Lupron, antibiotics, and Neupogen. He wants me to get a few tests repeated as the nurse said it may help explain why we got a negative. I don't think anyone ever knows why it doesn't work. I just doesn't. 

I'm so tired of this. I just want a baby. 

As I've realized already, life goes on. Even when you feel like you are standing still you look around and realize nothing else is.

 I will be okay and so will W, but it doesn't make it suck any less. 

6DP5DT and Keeping the Positivity

It has been six days since my embryo transfer. Earlier in the week I handed over all of my HPT's to W and asked him to hide them. This has kept me from testing too early and has allowed me to keep the positivity. I want to know, but I guess I can continue to hold out. We've agreed that we will test together before my beta so I don't get the news when I am by myself at work. Not testing early also makes the IM shots more bearable. I'm doing 2 cc's of progesterone every night and then on Tuesday and Friday we also do an estradial valerate shot that is IM. Nothing like two IM shots in one night, let me tell you! 

I'm still taking Lovenox and Neupogen. The bruising has gotten much better so that's good. In addition, each night I have a "crotch rocket" AKA estradiol/progesterone suppository that I use. I had never heard of such a concoction, but I guess you learn something new every time. It's all so much fun!

In the past I've written that I don't believe in symptoms since the hormones mimic so many of them. It's hard not to be on symptom watch, but I've been trying not to read into them too much. OK, that's me lying because I've been spending WAY too much time on Google in the morning. I still don't know what to think but I like feeling positive. I guess in a way I like not knowing yet.  

This weekend was busy. We had our friends C, J and their little girl E over on Saturday. We hung out, ate some crepes, ate some soup, and played some Scattergories while their little one took a nap in our king sized bed. Once she woke up we headed out to cut down our Christmas trees. We went to the same place two years ago and had a great time. We brought the dogs and rode in the back of a pickup truck with them. E thought it was hilarious. On the way back our dog Pepper made a friend with some lady and was all snuggled up on her lap. Good thing she was a dog person. 

We picked a concolor fir tree which I honestly know nothing about. The needles are much longer than usual and W said it was super easy to cut down. The people at the tree farm said it was the most fragrant kind and they were right. Our house smells amazing! We haven't decorated it yet but we have tons of time. 

Today W hung lights outside on the house and garage while I did some work. After, we went out to lunch for gyros and then we went shopping for a new couch. We didn't find anything we loved and our current couch is fine. 

This evening I finally finished the binding on my first quilt. I have a deadline as my friend's baby shower is next Saturday. I'm dropping it off tomorrow to get machine quilted. I will be sure to take a picture when it's totally done, but I love it. I'm really impressed that I was able to teach myself how to quilt so well. I'm no pro or anything, but it really does look great. I know my friend is going to love it. 

I'm glad to be going back to work tomorrow since I won't have the urge to test as much. I'm not going to lie, I did hunt for the tests for a while today and W did a damn good job hiding them. I know I can buy more but I'm not there...yet. I really hope this is the one!

Transferred

Everything went great today. The two embryos they picked survived the thaw just fine and we still have five embryos in storage.

We arrived on time to a crazy packed waiting room. I guess that's what happens the Monday after a holiday weekend. We waited about a half hour and then W gave up waiting and went to use the bathroom. As soon as he left the room the nurse called my name. He must have heard because he came right back.

The nurse schedued my beta for December 5'th and then left the room to get my Dr. K. I saw there was the picture of our embryos on the counter so W and I checked it out while we waited.

I changed into the sexy hospital gown and relaxed in the bed as the Valium kicked in. The transfer beds at my clinic don't have stirrups and are more like massage tables so it was pretty easy to relax there. We laughed as the ultrasound screen was a freeze frame of someone else's uterus. 

Finally Dr. K came in the room. Everything was quick and easy. Once he was finished he shook both of our hands and left. I stayed laying down for about 15 minutes and then headed over for some free acupuncture.

I haven't seen my acupuncturist in a while since I felt like it was a lot of money to spend and it didn't seem to be making a huge difference. After placing the needles he stayed to chat quite a bit. He asked if I had named our embryos yet and I said I hadn't. He told me I should name at least one of them after him. Then he left and I relaxed and eventually fell asleep. I had slept horribly last night so didn't have much trouble falling asleep. 

When I went to leave I saw it was snowing and beautiful outside. As we drove closer to our house there was no longer snow and I was a bit disappointed. W had to go to work so I watched the movie Elf, ate some lunch, and then fell asleep for a bit on the couch to a comedian on Netflix.

All in all, it was a very relaxing and perfect day. I'm SO hoping at least one of those little embryos decide to stick around. Either way, it's completely out of my hands at this point. I'm glad to have something to do tomorrow as I'm returning to work after five days off. I'm a little concerned it's going to be a huge shock after all of my recent relaxing. 

Tomorrow I have yoga and book club. I'm sad that I won't be able to hang out late due to having to do my PIO and Delestrogen shots around 9, but also my need for sleep. I haven't decided whether I will go back to acupuncture on Wednesday, but we will see. That was what he recommended to assist with implantation. 

 I'm keeping my fingers crossed, my stress levels lows, and trying to stay as happy as possible this next week. It shouldn't be too hard with the way W has been treating me. I'm so lucky to have him!

Oh, and here are the little guys we transferred today. I didn't ask about grades or anything so I'm blissfully ignorant.

Transfer Eve

Tomorrow is the day I've been looking forward to for months. I met with Dr. Br.averman for the first time at the end of July and started stims September 24th. To say its been a long time coming feels like an understatement.

We did make the final decision to thaw and transfer two embryos. That was based on my gut instinct as well as input from Dr. B. I really hope the first two that they pick survive the thaw.

This past week flew by. I worked Mon-Wed and we left for Albany on Wednesday night. We stayed at my sister's house both Wed and Thurs night. Wednesday night was nice to just hang out with my sis and BiL. They moved the guest room since they are turning the old guest room into the nursery so we slept in the loft. It's a really nice room but is open so has zero privacy. It made doing my shots interesting. We managed to hide out in the corner of the room.

Thanksgiving itself was really nice. There were ten people total and I got to spend some time with my BIL's parents. My mom and my sister's MIL wouldn't leave her alone with trying to take pictures of her baby bump. She's definitely at the cute basketball stage, but hated the idea of any pictures. Us IF women take weekly photos once pregnant but my sister said she doesn't want a single photo. To each his own.

Thursday night we went out to Target around 11. I always enjoy watching the crowds and it really wasn't that crazy. We had picked up a few blue ray movies but quickly put them back once we saw the line. I've never seen anything like it. Literally it would have taken hours to buy some movies. So, we left empty handed and headed home to bed.

W and I got up super early Friday morning and he drove while I slept. Unfortunately he had to work that day. I spent most of the day relaxing and catching up on sleep.

Friday night was my ten year high school reunion in town. I waiting until about two hours before to buy tickets but was glad in the end that I did. I definitely had way to much to drink, but it did help to ease the awkwardness. One of my best friends from high school was in town from Seattle so it was really nice to spend time with her. Another bonus? No pregnant girls at the reunion.

Saturday was spent recovering from my crazy night on Friday and then today we went to the christening for our friend's baby. He was screaming his little head off for most of the church service, poor little guy.

I'm really glad to have had the holiday week before my transfer. It helped to pass the time and took all of the focus off so things. I'm feeling relaxed and hopeful for our little embryos that will be headed where they belong tomorrow.

What's Going On

The weekend always goes by too fast. How did we get to Sunday night already?

Last week went by fairly quickly. I worked a lot more than I have been working for the past few weeks and was exhausted by Friday night. I felt like such a bum Friday night when I napped while W did two loads of laundry, bathed the dogs, did all the dishes, and started dinner. Whoops!

Last Tuesday night I got together with my friend after yoga and we went out for Thai food. Of course we talked a bunch and had fun so I ended up getting home pretty late. 

Staying out late on Tuesday night made my Wednesday 6:45 appointment feel extra early. My lining measured at 7.78 and my estradiol levels were 746. We scheduled my transfer for the 26th at 10:15. We haven't made a final decision about how many embryos to transfer, but I think it will be two. I emailed Dr. Br.averman to get his opinion and it seemed to be two. He said he rarely recommends three unless the embryos quality is poor, the woman is over forty, or there have been repeated failures. We only fit into one of those categories and I'm not ready to fly through our best embryos. He also told me about the blood work he plans to repeat at my beta. Unfortunately, they were mostly tests that were only done at the out of network lab and are they were super pricey the first time around. I am going to email him to find out more about this. I don't understand the purpose of repeating these tests if my levels were within normal limits the first time. I guess to see how I responded to the new meds?

On Thursday W and I went to a vinyasa yoga class with my mom and then we went out for Indian food after. The class went much better than the previous Sunday. I felt strong and got a great workout. That one instructor is amazing. 

I had a nice friend-filled weekend. I saw my friend T on Saturday and we got lunch, walked around the mall, shopped a little bit, and got pedicures. I'm pretty excited about my new pajama pants and the festive dog collars I bough. T is due with her little boy in eight weeks! I can't wait to meet him. Her baby shower is coming up on December 8th so I really need to finish the binding on the quilt I made and then get it machine quilted by someone. The binding is intimidating me a bit which is why I haven't done it yet. I watched a little video on You Tube this weekend but still am not sure about it. I better get sure about it soon. 

Today we went to yoga and then hung out with our friends C, J, and their little girl E after. The yoga class had a sub instructor and I didn't love it. It wasn't very dynamic or fast moving. Little E wasn't feeling well and was being super sweet and snuggly. It made me want a little one that much more. We made plans with them to go cut down Christmas trees the first weekend in December like we did two years ago. 

I've feeling really hopeful and positive about our transfer. I am excited for it to be here and know the next week should fly by with Thanksgiving. I'm still bruising quite a bit. On Friday I ended up with a dark purple bruise that is bigger than a quarter. It's super attractive, trust me. I also bled for a long time when they took my blood. The Lovenox is definitely working. 

I'm really looking forward to the short work week and seeing all my family on Thursday. Then we have our transfer in eight days! It feels like it's taken a long time to get this close. Let's hope this is it!

Hoping it Helps

The biopsy today wasn't fun at all. I had one done previously but it was so long ago I must have blocked it from my memory. The NP at my office did the biopsy and although it was over quickly, it was rough.

I actually broke out in a full sweat during/immediately after. I stayed reclined for about 5-10 minutes and then felt better. I had a bunch of cramping for quite a while after. W brought me home flowers which was super sweet. 

I'm not sure it's something I would do again but hopefully it won't be necessary. I have a really good feeling about this cycle. 

The local pharmacist knows me well and I asked today about the Neupogen. She wrote a script to see if my insurance would cover it and it was approved for only 50 bucks. We will see when the actual script goes through, but that would be amazing. 

I looked more closely at my calendar and saw they had me on Crinone and two different antibiotics at some point prior to the transfer. I emailed the nurse today and we changed it to PIO and she told me one of the antibiotics will be done as a vaginal suppository. That's definitely different. Has anyone ever heard if that? The drug is called clindamycin. 

My next appointment is Thursday for blood work and a sono. Otherwise, just making it through another work week. I'm going to yoga for fertility with a friend tomorrow and then we are going to dinner after. I take my last birth control pill tonight! 

Throwing in the Kitchen Sink

Today has been extra long. Maybe it's because we woke up early and accomplished a lot by noon, and maybe it's the extra hour. I'm not thrilled about how early in got dark out, but hey, that comes with this time of year. 

Multiple times this weekend I looked outside to see snow flurries/sleet. Nothing stuck to the ground but a few rooftops and cars were covered with a dusting of snow this morning. It's starting to feel less like fall and more like winter. There are a few trees that still have pretty leaves on them, but most trees are now barren. 

Yesterday we hung out mostly.  I did some quilting, and W worked on some random stuff around the house with my FIL.  We then went to the movies to see Flight and it was really good. From there we hit up the in-law's for some free and delicious dinner. 

This morning we woke up early to go to yoga. I finally convinced W to join me for a class. The class was challenging but also amazing and I felt so great after. The place we went also has a hot tub, sauna, and steam shower that we both used after. It was a pretty fabulous way to spend a Sunday morning. 

I hate to admit it, but it was the kind of weekend that made me glad we don't have any kids yet. We did exactly what we wanted and that's something I don't take for granted. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to do an endometrial biopsy. I've had one done before so know what to expect, but I also don't expect it to be enjoyable. I'm willing to throw the kitchen sink in on this cycle, so whatever helps I'm willing to try. 

I started Lupron on Thursday and have been having slight headaches. It's nothing terrible, but just pesky and present. My first shot last week I started bleeding a bunch and have a bruise to show for it. I guess I was a little rusty. I take my last birth control pill tomorrow and have another appointment this Thursday. After that we will start Lovenox, Neupogen, and Estrogen. I found out the Estrogen will be an IM shot but it's only every few days. I also called to get a price on the Neupogen and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected.  

I'm really looking forward to Thankgiving with my family. We are going to my sister's house and I will get to see her pregnant belly for the first time in months. I can't wait to rub it (making her uncomfortable doing so) for good luck!

Waiting....again

I feel like I've written a post about waiting a hundred times already. But, here I go again! 

 I woke up early this morning and don't have any therapy sessions scheduled until 9:20. I only have to drive ten minutes down the road to get there. It's rainy and gloomy outside this morning and it looks chilly. The leaves are just a little past peak, but still amazingly beautiful. Even though I have tons of time this morning, I will still find a way to be late. 

Here are some photos I look the other day (when it was sunny) of the leaves in the finger lakes. 

It's hard to believe I'm actually "cycling" right now because I'm just taking birth control pills... Again. This protocol for the FET cycle is long and complicated. I don't go back into the clinic until halloween at which time I likely add in Lupron the following day. From the 1st-5th I overlap with birth control pills and Lupron. On the 5th I stop bcp's and on the 6th I'll drop my dosage of Lupron in half. Then I go back for more blood work and a sono on November 8th. If all goes well I start estrogen, Lovenox, baby aspirin, and Neupogen the 9th. I return for blood work and sono on November 14th and 19th. We have a tentative transfer date for November 26th, which feels like a lifetime away right about now.

This is Dr. Br.averman's preferred protocol. He said that the Lupron aids in implantation. I was happy at first to see we would be using Lupron. The main reason? That would be because we bought an entire kit ($199) for a 30 unit trigger. I was glad to see we would be using more of it. That was until I looked at the complete calendar and became completely overwhelmed. I know I will be okay as long as I take it one day at a time.

At my clinic the plan was to bring me back one more time (Oct 29th) for a lining check. As long as everything looked good I would start progesterone that day and transfer 5 days later (Nov 2nd). I'm bummed we are adding in essentially a whole extra month, but I'm trying to convince myself it is a good thing. I emailed Dr. B this morning about trying to fit in an endometrial biopsy since I'm guessing I will get another period before we transfer.

The days are once again dragging as I wait on birth control pills. I'm thinking I need something fun to look forward to, I'm jut trying to figure out what that is. Any suggestions? We had talked about visiting W's cousin and gf in NYC.

I'm not really too great at waiting. I can't find productive enough ways to fill my time. I started quilting a few months ago and have pieced together two of the fronts of two different quilts.

Quilt #2- I started it because I LOVED the fabric and had to have it. 

 That is the part I really enjoyed. Now I have to finish the backing and edges and its just not as rewarding or fun. I recently finished an amazing book and now don't know what to read. The pick for book club this month looks pretty awful. Any tips or tricks for combating boredom?

Freeze Report

I was so nervous to call. I dreaded it. When my friend texted me to get the report and I told her I was too scared, she encouraged me strongly to call. 

I feel more invested in this cycle than previous ones. That's part of why I was so nervous. 

I finally called around 12:30 and spoke with a nurse. She was able to tell me that we have a lucky 7 embryos frozen. I asked for their report cards and she said she would have to get an embryologist to call me back. 

A little while later my phone rang. This is what I found out.

On day five they froze three embryos. Of those we had a 5AC, 4BC, and a 3BC. 

On day six they froze four embryos. They were a 4AC, 4BC, 4BC, and 4CC.

She also said they were watching four more to see if they would be able to freeze them on day seven. I didn't realize that was a possibility. 

When AF showed up on Tuesday I emailed Dr. Br.averman. He suggested I schedule a baseline appointment and we didn't talk a whole lot about instructions beyond that. He wanted to know how many embryos we had before we talked next steps. That's one thing I've figured out about him. He likes to take things one step at a time. I'm always trying to look to the next step, so find this somewhat frustrating. It's forcing me to live more in the moment than plan ahead. We had exchanged a few emails about different protocols but he didn't specifically say what to do for me. 

My baseline appointment was this morning. My ovaries were still pretty big and "angry" as the NP put it, but my lining was thin. Both ovaries had some left over cysts but she didn't seem too concerned about it. She asked what the plan was, and not knowing, I just went with the flow. She came back with instructions and my next appointment scheduled. 

When I asked her to fax the results from today's appointment she stopped and stared at me for a second or two before saying, "If that's what you want." Seriously?

I emailed the nurse at Dr. B's office and asked if Dr. B was going to give me a calendar. Well, come to find out he wants me to do something entirely different. The theme of this IVF cycle all along? Different is better!! I guess I'll have to contact the NP and tell her of the change of plans. 

To those of you who have done FET's, what was your protocol? 

All I know right now is this one involves 2 weeks of birth control pills before anything else. I'm pretty sure it also adds Lupron, Progesterone, and Estrace at some point. It's amazing how many months I have spent on the pill while we have been trying to get pregnant. My clinic was happy to have me take Estrace 3x's/day until I started progesterone. Pretty simple. Things are going to get complicated again. 

I forgot to tell this story sooner. The day before my retrieval I had to go for blood work to be sure the lupron trigger worked. I made the appointment for a bit later in the day and ended up having some cancellations for the time after. I called a friend and my MIL to see if either of them wanted to have lunch with me, but was unsuccessful. So then I called my FIL and he gladly agreed. He was so patient and a fantastic listener as I jabbered on about the newest news with us TTC wise. When I told him I had a procedure the next day he asked me, "Are things coming out or going in?" That's one way to put it!

Not Surprised

Today was my beta. I tested yesterday and it was negative so I wasn't surprised when I received the call. 

When I went in this morning I didn't share my negativity. The receptionist was so positive and wished me good luck. I smiled back. Then the nurse commented on my D.O.B and the fact that my birthday is tomorrow. She said that a positive would be such a great birthday present. I just agreed. 

When she called later she sounded so disappointed. I could tell by the tone when she said hello that she was dreading the call. I think she sounded more upset than me. 

I'm fine with the results. Sure a positive would have been amazing, but I'm not going to feel too bad about things. My birthday is tomorrow so I'm going to put it behind me and focus on the now. 

4dp6dt FET #3

First off, I'm a bit confused. The embryos we transferred we frozen on day 6. Does this make it a 6 day transfer? I don't think so because they were at a day 5 point when they were frozen. If anyone has any insight, please enlighten me. 

This weekend was amazingly relaxing and fantastic. Our friends C&J came over Friday night with their little girl E who will be 2 tomorrow. We had a nice dinner and watched some of the opening ceremonies for the olympics. E got a little whiney and needed some distracting. W is so great with her and took her outside for a little walk around our yard. It was so cute to look outside and see them sitting in the grass talking together. He's going to be such a great daddy. 

On Saturday W went into Syracuse with his Dad to free our new boat from their garage. That's right, my in-law's have an antique wooden boat that is just sitting in their garage. They are giving it to us. It will need a little bit of work but should be functioning just fine. It's going to be so nice since we are about a 5 minute walk to a marina on the lake where we could keep it. 

I laid around and read my book as well as took a nap while W was gone. On Saturday night we went to see Ted and it was pretty darn funny. There were lots of fart jokes that went over well. I saw a preview for The Odd Life of Timothy Green and definitely shed a tear or two. If you haven't seen the trailer, click HERE. I challenge you not to cry. 

Today we slept in and then headed over to the in-law's lake house. We sat in the sun, swam, and read a whole bunch. I've been reading a lot and really enjoying the step away from the T.V. That's not to say we haven't been watching the Olympics, but we've been reading before bed more consistently than watching T.V. 

I got the masochistic urge to POAS today. W doesn't want me to so I didn't tell him. No matter how long I looked at it or how much I wanted it to be positive, it was definitely negative. I think I'm good on testing for a bit. 

As far as symptoms go, my boobs are crazy sore! I switched to a different PIO this week and am thinking that was it. I switched pharmacies a while ago but was using old progesterone. This week I started one that it compounded instead and that seems to correspond with the new soreness. I'm peeing a lot but that's also related to progesterone. Some small cramps here and there, but also probably from the progesterone. Today I was a little moody and couldn't be reasoned with but who knows what that is all about. I've been tired, but also probably the progesterone. I'm still trying to be positive, but the pee stick didn't help. I know it's still early though so I'll try to put that out of my mind. 

IVF #3 FET #1 Transfer

On Wednesday morning we transferred our two frozen embryos from our third IVF cycle. We arrived on time having taken my Valium about 15 minutes prior. By the time they took me back I was feeling fantastic. I passed Dr. K in the hallway on the way to the room and he said he would be in in a few minutes. I gave him an I'm-high-on-valium beaming smile. 

The nurse gave me a picture of my little ones and instructed me to put on the gown. She scheduled me for my beta on August 2nd (the day before my birthday). I didn't ask about quality or grade as it didn't matter.  

Dr. K came in the room and sat down on the bed right next to me. In fact, he was so close at first he actually sat on one of my feet. At my clinic the transfer rooms look more like a massage room. No stirrups and a comfy massage table instead. He told me I had two beautiful embryos and gave me a huge hug. As he headed towards his little stool at the foot of the bed he said, "Let's give life a chance." 

The transfer itself was super smooth and over quickly. Before he left the room he shook my hand with one of his hands and rubbed my belly with the other as he wished us luck. 

I headed over to acupuncture and took a nice nap. On the way home we stopped and went out to lunch at the place where W and I met. After we stopped and bought the cutest infant onesie that is now hanging in my closet. W dropped me off at home and left for work as I read in bed and napped. Later that night we rented the movie Wanderlust and had a great dinner. 

It was a really nice day and I've been repeating positive affirmations since. I am hopeful and positive and not allowing any fear or doubt to creep into my mind. 

Support

Everything is progressing well with this cycle. I had my ultrasound, blood work, and intralipids on Friday. My lining was nice and thick and triple striped. I started progesterone today and my transfer is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 with Dr. K. They gave me a valium and sent me on my merry way. 

Life is pretty great. I've been spending a lot of time with my fertility yoga buddies and I am so grateful for them. I went to yoga on Tuesday and we hung around after chatting about various things. On Thursday night four of us went out for Indian food and today five of us met for our book club. We started up a book club two months ago and meet to discuss the book and so many other things fertility related. We laugh, cry, bitch, and support each other. 

It really is great to have friends going through many of the same things. We are all different and have our different stories, but we also have so much in common. 

 I can't imagine going through this journey now without this amazing group of women to share it with.  

Summer Fun

Life is pretty great. This past week was amazing. The weather was beautiful all week and we were at the in-law's lake house almost every day swimming and waterskiing. 

On Wednesday we had our friends J&C over to the lake for dinner. They brought their little girl E who will be 2 this month. She is so darn cute and her speech blows me away compared to the kids I am used to. I was counting her 8 word phrases in amazement. She said that we went "waterskating" and called the boat the "peeda boat" instead of a speech boat. It was very amusing. She's such a trooper as she stayed up until 10 without any problem. Having relaxed parents really helps to create a relaxed kid. 

Friday night we hung out at home and took it easy. At 11:30 we picked up my mom, stepdad and brother from the airport. They were in Costa Rica for 2 weeks and it was great to hear about their trip. 

Saturday morning we got up early to go to the Mackenzie Childs barn sale. We had a list of things we wanted to get and were pretty successful. My mother-in-law joined us for the trip. The most known pattern they make is courtly check. In that we got a paper towel holder, utensil container for the counter, a new light for the kitchen, a small colander, a tissue box cover, and a trash can. In other patterns we got a few knobs for the entertainment center and a set of 8 enamelware floral plates. It's amazing how much some people buy and it was really fun. Here are some of the pictures I took from the sale. 

 Saturday night we went over to the lake again for dinner and swimming. We hung out pretty late and had a beach fire with a small group of people around. I had my first s'more of the summer and it was delicious. 

Sunday I went to a lavender festival with my MIL and a neighbor. It had a lot of local vendors and I bought a few little lavender items. 

Last night we went and saw Dave Matthews with Tim Reynolds. I have always wanted to see them together and the show was so much fun. We haven't gone to see live music in a long time and it was a good reminder that we should do it more often. Now I'm really looking forward to Mumford and Sons in August. 

The venue with the view of the lake to the left.

Some people at the concert in crazy outfits. 

The garden is doing really well. We have been picking sugar snap peas and lettuce so far. The zucchini and yellow squash are starting to grow and we have a bunch of peppers and tomatoes in the works. I saw a green bean or two out there the other day so those are probably close too. In the flower garden the beebalm is huge and we have a bunch of calla lillies. 

A Forced but Badly Needed Break

When I woke up this morning I felt awful. I was nauseous and had a headache. I had to be at my clinic early for beta #2.  

I started spotting in the morning and had pretty bad cramps last night, so I knew I wasn't going to see an increase in my levels. I waited almost all day before calling them. There were some severe storms in the area and I guess their system was down most of the day.

by 11:00 I was bleeding full force so when I first talked to the nurse I told her it was CD 1. She scheduled me an appointment for Thursday as a baseline so that I could start a FET and told me she would call me with the test results once they came in. 

My HCG level dropped to 14. That's only down 5.5 points in 5 days, WTF??!! I had also requested my TSH levels be checked again and they were fine. When she told me my HCG number she said I wasn't going to be able to do the FET this month. We need to wait until my levels go below 5 to be considered negative. I have a repeat beta scheduled for next Monday and my follow-up (WTF) appointment with my RE that Friday.

I'm not sure how I feel about a break. Part of me wants to just keep going, but I realize I probably need a break. We have done 4 transfers (2 fresh and 2 frozen) since December. I've been on some kind of hormone for over a year.... isn't that crazy?! I have either been cycling, trying to cycle and getting cancelled, or on BCP's. I don't even know what a unmedicated cycle would look like for me at this point. I guess there's only one way to find out.

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

5DP5DT and Hanging in There

I haven't updated since the morning of my transfer. The transfer itself went fine. Dr. K (aka Dr. Gere) did it this time rather than Dr. Greene. Dr. K is my actual doctor, but this was only the second time I've seen him in this process. He didn't really want to tell me the grades of the embryos when I asked and gave me a speech (about 2 feet away from my face) about how it doesn't really matter. He is a very touchy-feely, oozing with positivity kind of guy. He said how he has seen both good and bad embryos turn out to be perfectly healthy babies. All of the embryos we chose to thaw survived so we transfered them. 

Dr. K just went about his business and didn't really explain the process as he was doing it. He didn't tell me when he was going to put the embryos in and I noticed more cramping this time. It could have been the lack of knowing what was going on, or the technique, but it was pretty minor cramping. He wished us luck and left the room. 

I went to acupuncture after and took a nice nap. I followed up two days later with another session to "help with implantation." 

The first few days I made the joke that I didn't have a uterus, that way I wouldn't be able to tell what was going on. I didn't over think it much and continued on. After my post about symptoms being B.S I kept repeating that to myself. At this point I'm pretty close to insane. 

Tomorrow morning bright and early we leave for vacation. I am so excited to get out of town and relax for 6 days. I'm also excited for a week off from work. I will be bringing some HPT's with me since the waiting last time almost killed me. The anticipation and anxiety just weren't worth it. And, this time I will have my beta 2 days later since I am out of town. I won't be posting over vacation so I guess I will just leave you in suspense for the next week. 

If it works, that will be awesome and amazing. I'm not holding my breath since the embryos really didn't look as good as last time. They were much more bloby and I'm sure they weren't as high of a grade. I know the grade doesn't mean everything, but they were also frozen. I'm trying to convince myself that if they made it to day 5 and then survived freezing and thawing, they must be somewhat strong. 

If this is a bust we have 2 more fresh IVF cycles already paid for. I'm hoping we don't have to do that, but at this point it's not as overwhelming and intimidating. I have almost all of the meds necessary and know mostly what to expect. 

Wish me luck. If not, I will drink some delicious frozen beverages, I promise. 

Transfer Day (FET #2 from IVF #2)

So, today is the day. I was going to work in the morning but decided against that to limit my stress. I didn't want to be rushing to make it to the appointment. Instead, we slept in a little bit and have been relaxing and moving at a nice slow pace. 

I'm feeling really good and positive. I can't believe how quickly this day came. It's definitely a change from my first clinic. My first frozen transfer accompanied 6 months of waiting from the time the embryos were frozen. Granted there were some issues that needed to be sorted out, but that was torture. The anticipation made things much more stressful. So did paying for a single cycle and having everything riding on that single transfer.  

This time I had a little over 2 weeks of waiting from my period after my chemical pregnancy. I feel much better and there isn't as much anticipation and nervousness involved. I know if this doesn't work (which it will) that we have 2 fresh IVF cycles already paid for.  

The transfer itself is no big deal. What I'm most nervous about is what we are going to have to transfer. Only for a second did I let the fear creep in that there would be nothing to transfer. I immediately pushed those thoughts out. 

I thought I lost my Valium but finally found it wedged in W's Kindle case. I'm pretty excited for that part. I think I'll do acupuncture after as well. Not that I need the Valium to relax during acupuncture, but the combo is pretty amazing. 

Here's hoping we have some great embryos to transfer and that they find things in my ute to their liking!  

Intralipids

Today was my appointment at the clinic. All week I was thinking it was Thursday and then woke up today and realized I wasn't going to make it to a meeting for work. I felt badly canceling the morning of the meeting, but oh well. It was going to drawn out and I wasn't going to get paid for it. 

I did an evaluation with my boss this morning and the mom cried when we told her the results. I hate it when the parents cry, it's so hard.

I met W on the way to the appointment so we could ride together. We got there and the office was empty. It's amazing the difference between 7 AM and 1 PM. They called me back to the procedure side of the clinic. I asked if I was going to get an ultrasound as I entered the room and saw a bed in an upright position with wandy close by. The nurse said I was going to get one and I realized it was going to be at the same time as the I.V. Fun! She had me undress from the waist down and put on a hospital gown. Then they gave me a heated blanket. 

The nurse went over the information, had me sign consents and got me all set up. She stuck something on my forehead, a blood pressure cuff on my arm, and a pulse oximeter on my finger. I've realized the combination of colors in the gown and heated blanket just don't look good on me. They're not my best colors. The nurse put in the IV and took blood before starting the intralipids. The intralipids came in a little bag and were white like milk. Finally I asked her what she put on my forehead. I guess it was a thermometer, but by that point I was really looking good. When they brought W in he practically laughed at me. 

The intralipids took about 1 1/2-2 hours total. It was pretty boring but the nurse came in often to check my vitals and see how I was doing. W and I watched some of The Office with the Netflix app on my phone, but that got old. Midway through I had to pee so I got to bring the IV with me and that was exciting. Well, as exciting as it got.  

The NP came in to do the ultrasound. Everything looked good and my lining was 10.8. She asked when I wanted to do the FET and we decided on Monday. She then asked how many we wanted to thaw. Since 1 is good quality and 3 are fair, it is a tough decision. Part of the package deal we bought says that you have to use all frozen embryos before moving on to another fresh cycle. We haven't completely decided the number yet, but we gave them a tentative number. I start progesterone tomorrow and stay on everything else. The transfer is scheduled for 10:45 on Monday and I'm starting to get excited. Time is really dragging between being excited for the FET and vacation. 

I asked about flying with Lovenox and had to get a note so that they won't give me any problems in the airport traveling with it on my carry-on. I'm not sure if I need to bring a sharps bin or not, but we have time to figure that out. Anyone ever travel with syringes? 

The told me the intralipids last for 28 days. If I get pregnant I will repeat it in 4 weeks. The information they gave me was pretty vague and said it's totally experimental. I guess the only thing I have to lose is my time and $55.00. Let's hope it makes a difference.

Here is the handout they gave me: