Yogi Babies

Throughout my pregnancy I tried to attend prenatal yoga as frequently as possible. Around the time I got pulled out of work at 31 weeks it got a lot harder to keep going. I would do a few poses at home, but wasn't able to make it to class. There was so much baby in my belly that just moving was uncomfortable. Forget about tying child's pose when there's an entire baby in your ribcage. 

The same instructor also offers a mama baby yoga class. It's so nice because the same people you practiced with and saw every week during pregnancy are now at this class. 

Since the class is only offered twice a month, we don't get to go that often. Also, it's about 45 minutes away and at 10:15 am. We aren't early risers around here. 

The first time I went my mom came along as an extra set of hands. I didn't get to do much yoga because the girls decided they wanted to eat during class. It was great to be around so many babies and mamas though. 

Last time I went I went by myself and it was great. The timing was perfect feeding-wise and the girls were happy to watch me do yoga and hang out on my mat. I had a great time and was able to do enough yoga to be sore for a few days after. 

Yesterday I wasn't planning to go until Clara woke up about 3 hours early, crying to eat. I knew our day was going to be off so decided to go. I was able to push it until 8 and feed the girls. We got ready and left. Unfortunately as soon as we started to really get into the yoga the girls started to act hungry. I tried the pacifiers but knew it wasn't going to work. So instead of doing 25 minutes of yoga I sat and fed my girls. At first I was frustrated. But then I remembered the real reason I go: to be around other mamas and babies. To try to branch out and make a few mommy friends. Despite my missing out on the yoga, we still had a great time. We got out of the house and socialize with other adults. We were able to run errands and eat lunch after with a friend. All in all, it was successful. I'm kidding myself if I think the real reason I go to a yoga class with infant twins is to practice a lot of  yoga. I think I need to leave them home to accomplish that. 

Comparisons

I've been thinking about this for a while and it's something I've been struggling with somewhat. 

Every woman's body is so different, so makes sense that during pregnancy they would all look different. There are times when I go to prenatal yoga and just look around the room at the 20+ people and all of the different shapes that women take on once pregnant. It's actually quite amazing. 

Prior to getting pregnant I was a little heavier than I wanted to be. Not by a lot, but I certainly wasn't super confident with my body. Dealing with infertility for 2 1/2 years also made me lose some confidence in my body.  

I tried to hide the fact that I was pregnant for about 16 weeks. I wore bigger clothes despite the fact that I had purchased a few cute maternity items earlier on. For quite a while I just looked like I ate too many donuts. 

Being pregnant with twins made things happen very quickly. I got noticeably pregnant fast. For the first 24 weeks I measured 6 weeks ahead of where I would be for a single pregnancy. At 24 weeks I made the jump to measuring 7 weeks ahead. It was like I had the shortest second trimester ever. Monday at my ob appointment I was told I was measuring 8 weeks ahead at 34 weeks.

Wherever I go I see pregnant women. Women who have cute little bumps and wear them well. My cute little bump was very short lived. 

Women constantly compare themselves to others, sometimes without even realizing it. A few weeks ago I was at a preschool for the end of the school year. It was a day that all the parents were present (mostly moms) and I sat at a table to work with a little boy for speech. At this table were two other pregnant women, both due in October. Compared to them I was huge. One woman didn't even look pregnant yet talked about how huge she was already and how she was scared she was going to get really big. Hearing that didn't do great things for my confidence. I was thinking, if think you are huge, what do you think about me?

I love my body now that I'm pregnant. I wear tight shirts to show off my bump. It's just hard when it comes to comparing to other women. I know I'm pregnant with twins, but I don't really get to meet other twin mommies to compare to. It doesn't help that the ob constantly compares me to women pregnant with a singleton as well (measuring 8 weeks ahead). I know this is normal and I should be bigger, but sometimes it's hard to feel like the huge pregnant girl all the time. 

Every week yoga starts by everyone going around the room, introducing themselves, telling how far along they are, and then telling if they've have any complains or requests for the class to focus on. I've been going pretty consistently every week. Out of the 20+ people each class, there have only ever been one other woman pregnant with twins and they never return. 

Some people tell me I'm small for twins and other people tell me I'm big. Whenever people ask when I'm due I tell them October and that it's twins. I told a few people October without telling them twins and they looked at me like I had 2 heads. One suggestion I read was to say your due date is earlier and more like what you are measuring. We talked about it but decided we didn't want to tell people it was August and have these babies arrive early. I don't need to put that out there.

I'm so happy to be carrying twins and feel so blessed to be doing it. I think I just need to meet other mommies pregnant with twins.

I've joined the local Mom's of Multiples group but the first dinner they had was on the 3rd this month. I wasn't able to go because we had planned to go to the fireworks like we do every year. They matched me with a "big sister" who lives here in the same town and has 18 month old twins. We have exchanged a few emails and are planning to meet up soon.

I guess I just need to embrace my body fully and stop comparing to other pregnant women. I am growing 2 babies. 

What's Going On

The weekend always goes by too fast. How did we get to Sunday night already?

Last week went by fairly quickly. I worked a lot more than I have been working for the past few weeks and was exhausted by Friday night. I felt like such a bum Friday night when I napped while W did two loads of laundry, bathed the dogs, did all the dishes, and started dinner. Whoops!

Last Tuesday night I got together with my friend after yoga and we went out for Thai food. Of course we talked a bunch and had fun so I ended up getting home pretty late. 

Staying out late on Tuesday night made my Wednesday 6:45 appointment feel extra early. My lining measured at 7.78 and my estradiol levels were 746. We scheduled my transfer for the 26th at 10:15. We haven't made a final decision about how many embryos to transfer, but I think it will be two. I emailed Dr. Br.averman to get his opinion and it seemed to be two. He said he rarely recommends three unless the embryos quality is poor, the woman is over forty, or there have been repeated failures. We only fit into one of those categories and I'm not ready to fly through our best embryos. He also told me about the blood work he plans to repeat at my beta. Unfortunately, they were mostly tests that were only done at the out of network lab and are they were super pricey the first time around. I am going to email him to find out more about this. I don't understand the purpose of repeating these tests if my levels were within normal limits the first time. I guess to see how I responded to the new meds?

On Thursday W and I went to a vinyasa yoga class with my mom and then we went out for Indian food after. The class went much better than the previous Sunday. I felt strong and got a great workout. That one instructor is amazing. 

I had a nice friend-filled weekend. I saw my friend T on Saturday and we got lunch, walked around the mall, shopped a little bit, and got pedicures. I'm pretty excited about my new pajama pants and the festive dog collars I bough. T is due with her little boy in eight weeks! I can't wait to meet him. Her baby shower is coming up on December 8th so I really need to finish the binding on the quilt I made and then get it machine quilted by someone. The binding is intimidating me a bit which is why I haven't done it yet. I watched a little video on You Tube this weekend but still am not sure about it. I better get sure about it soon. 

Today we went to yoga and then hung out with our friends C, J, and their little girl E after. The yoga class had a sub instructor and I didn't love it. It wasn't very dynamic or fast moving. Little E wasn't feeling well and was being super sweet and snuggly. It made me want a little one that much more. We made plans with them to go cut down Christmas trees the first weekend in December like we did two years ago. 

I've feeling really hopeful and positive about our transfer. I am excited for it to be here and know the next week should fly by with Thanksgiving. I'm still bruising quite a bit. On Friday I ended up with a dark purple bruise that is bigger than a quarter. It's super attractive, trust me. I also bled for a long time when they took my blood. The Lovenox is definitely working. 

I'm really looking forward to the short work week and seeing all my family on Thursday. Then we have our transfer in eight days! It feels like it's taken a long time to get this close. Let's hope this is it!

It's the Little Things in Life

I've feeling much better than I did Friday night. I slept for almost 12 hours on Friday night and took a nap Saturday during the day. That definitely helped. 

On Sunday W came with me to yoga. It was a hot vinyasa class and it kicked my butt! At first I was directly under the heat vent and was sweating so much I couldn't hold any pose long for fear of slipping off my mat. I eventually moved a little further away and that helped, but I just didn't feel strong during the class. I think fighting off the cold and having my period took it's toll on my body. Last week I felt really great during the same class but this week it was super challenging for me. 

I still enjoyed going and especially enjoyed the hot tub, sauna, and steam shower after. 

I recently found out all yoga classes are free there for us because we are patients at the fertility center. They buildings are connected and there also have massage and acupuncture available there. They offer one free acupuncture session with a transfer, so I usually take them up on that offer. I haven't been going to acupuncture regularly because it didn't seem to make a huge difference for me. Sure, I enjoyed it, but it didn't seem worth all the money. 

The headaches are getting a bit better but I am bruising so badly with my shots. I started Lovenox and baby aspirin last week and I don't think that is helping the cause. Any tips to reduce bruising? At this rate my entire stomach will be covered. I've been avoiding the right side of my stomach completely because I can't seem to find a single spot that doesn't bruise. It's not the best look. 

My next appointment is Wednesday morning. Our tentative transfer day is exactly two weeks from today! 

I bought something this week I'm super excited about it. It's really shows how it's the little things in life that make me happy.

 Last year we hosted Thanksgiving and our local supermarket had turkey butter sculptures for sale (it would fit in your hand if you wanted to hold a buttery little turkey). I missed my chance to get one as they sold out quickly. Well, this past week I saw them and snatched one up. I was so excited I even had to tell the cashier. 

Isn't he cute?

The New York State Fair is nearby and one of the main attractions is the giant butter sculpture. Maybe it's an upstate NY thing, but it's something we always have to check out when we go.

The sculpture from 2 years ago at the fair.

While you're in the dairy building, you better get some 25 cent chocolate milk.  Can't you tell I'm excited about it?

 I can't wait for that little buttery turkey to grace the Thanksgiving table with its presence. That is, until someone chops off his little head for their mashed potatoes. 

Hoping it Helps

The biopsy today wasn't fun at all. I had one done previously but it was so long ago I must have blocked it from my memory. The NP at my office did the biopsy and although it was over quickly, it was rough.

I actually broke out in a full sweat during/immediately after. I stayed reclined for about 5-10 minutes and then felt better. I had a bunch of cramping for quite a while after. W brought me home flowers which was super sweet. 

I'm not sure it's something I would do again but hopefully it won't be necessary. I have a really good feeling about this cycle. 

The local pharmacist knows me well and I asked today about the Neupogen. She wrote a script to see if my insurance would cover it and it was approved for only 50 bucks. We will see when the actual script goes through, but that would be amazing. 

I looked more closely at my calendar and saw they had me on Crinone and two different antibiotics at some point prior to the transfer. I emailed the nurse today and we changed it to PIO and she told me one of the antibiotics will be done as a vaginal suppository. That's definitely different. Has anyone ever heard if that? The drug is called clindamycin. 

My next appointment is Thursday for blood work and a sono. Otherwise, just making it through another work week. I'm going to yoga for fertility with a friend tomorrow and then we are going to dinner after. I take my last birth control pill tonight! 

Throwing in the Kitchen Sink

Today has been extra long. Maybe it's because we woke up early and accomplished a lot by noon, and maybe it's the extra hour. I'm not thrilled about how early in got dark out, but hey, that comes with this time of year. 

Multiple times this weekend I looked outside to see snow flurries/sleet. Nothing stuck to the ground but a few rooftops and cars were covered with a dusting of snow this morning. It's starting to feel less like fall and more like winter. There are a few trees that still have pretty leaves on them, but most trees are now barren. 

Yesterday we hung out mostly.  I did some quilting, and W worked on some random stuff around the house with my FIL.  We then went to the movies to see Flight and it was really good. From there we hit up the in-law's for some free and delicious dinner. 

This morning we woke up early to go to yoga. I finally convinced W to join me for a class. The class was challenging but also amazing and I felt so great after. The place we went also has a hot tub, sauna, and steam shower that we both used after. It was a pretty fabulous way to spend a Sunday morning. 

I hate to admit it, but it was the kind of weekend that made me glad we don't have any kids yet. We did exactly what we wanted and that's something I don't take for granted. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to do an endometrial biopsy. I've had one done before so know what to expect, but I also don't expect it to be enjoyable. I'm willing to throw the kitchen sink in on this cycle, so whatever helps I'm willing to try. 

I started Lupron on Thursday and have been having slight headaches. It's nothing terrible, but just pesky and present. My first shot last week I started bleeding a bunch and have a bruise to show for it. I guess I was a little rusty. I take my last birth control pill tomorrow and have another appointment this Thursday. After that we will start Lovenox, Neupogen, and Estrogen. I found out the Estrogen will be an IM shot but it's only every few days. I also called to get a price on the Neupogen and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected.  

I'm really looking forward to Thankgiving with my family. We are going to my sister's house and I will get to see her pregnant belly for the first time in months. I can't wait to rub it (making her uncomfortable doing so) for good luck!

Support

Everything is progressing well with this cycle. I had my ultrasound, blood work, and intralipids on Friday. My lining was nice and thick and triple striped. I started progesterone today and my transfer is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 with Dr. K. They gave me a valium and sent me on my merry way. 

Life is pretty great. I've been spending a lot of time with my fertility yoga buddies and I am so grateful for them. I went to yoga on Tuesday and we hung around after chatting about various things. On Thursday night four of us went out for Indian food and today five of us met for our book club. We started up a book club two months ago and meet to discuss the book and so many other things fertility related. We laugh, cry, bitch, and support each other. 

It really is great to have friends going through many of the same things. We are all different and have our different stories, but we also have so much in common. 

 I can't imagine going through this journey now without this amazing group of women to share it with.  

Keepin' On

Things are going pretty well. I had my appointment yesterday and my estradiol is up to 1096. It did a little more than double since my last appointment. The NP said my ovaries were starting to pop and my lining was responding to the estrogen and thickening some. I didn't really have any additional measurable follicles so it's looks like about 10 at this point. A few are charging ahead and are at 13 and the rest are around 8 or 10. I really hope a few more pick it up before retrieval. It's not that 10 is a bad number, is just hard to not want to be an overachiever after the 28 last time. I'm struggling with trying not to compare cycles and numbers when I have access to them all. I'll be honest, I was feeling a bit down yesterday. It's hard going through this process over and over again. I know I need to try to let go and have the attitude, "que sera sera/what will be will be", but I guess I'm struggling with that a bit. Looks like retrieval will be next Monday or Wednesday but I should have a better idea tomorrow.

Yesterday in blogger-land I had 3 BFP's in my news feed. I am beyond happy for these women but I can't help but wonder when/if I will get my turn. I hope it's in a few weeks.

I went to yoga for fertility on Tuesday night and checked out the new facilities in the expanded healing arts center that is attached to my clinic. It was amazing! The yoga studio was huge and there's a new "aqua terrace" which has a hot tub that can fit 26 people. The funniest part? Everyone joked about how it looks like it is shaped like a uterus. 
After the yoga whoever wants to can meet up and chat. I stuck around as did about 5 others. We sat with our feet in the hot tub and talked about various things. We talked about various things, our sitauations and stories, etc. That was the overall conversation but I did have a bit of 1:1 time with another woman who is about to start her 4th IVF. She got pregnant in the fall and lost her triplets at 19 weeks. She seemed so strong and positive about it all. She inspires me to be more positive.

Letting go of control

So I didn't hear from my RE or the nurse yesterday. We went for a long walk with the dogs and I kept waiting for the phone to ring. Actually, my phone doesn't ring anymore. The ringer died a few months ago and now it only vibrates. I am waiting to upgrade to the new iPhone when it finally comes out. The anxiety of having my phone so close and waiting for a call isn't fun. I'm still yet to miss a call though, so I guess my phone is doing the job.

Since I didn't hear last night I changed my estrogen patches (Vivelle) and upped the dose to 4. My belly is now covered in patches. Today I had a dull headache most of the day, but this tends to accompany an increase in dosage.

Again today I waited for the call. I can't say I had my phone on me all day, but I checked it multiple times. Around 3:00 I left a message for the nurse. She called me back around 4:00. I just asked her what was going on. She said we are still on for the transfer on Monday. I am supposed to start progesterone PIO's on Thursday and the Dexamathasone on Friday. I asked about the fluid and she said my RE acknowledged it but wasn't concerned. It was a much smaller pocket of fluid so he is still planning the transfer. She said he would be able to avoid the fluid when placing the embryos, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked if the fluid could increase and she said most likely it will decrease or go away. She also said the fluid may just be something I have mid-cycle and something we may not be able to avoid.

I felt a need to call my RE and discuss this with him. As much as I want to do the transfer, I want the best chances.

I went to my fertility yoga class tonight. There were 3 new people there and myself. The instructor didn't show up so they ended up canceling the class. I sat in the waiting room area and chatted with the other women for a little bit. The receptionist gave me 2 free passes for future classes and then offered up acupuncture for free to all of us. Ummm... yes please! It was the same guy as the one who did my session prior to the transfer last month. He asked for the update and talked to me for a bit. He did a relaxation session and within 3 minutes of getting the needles in, I felt amazing. I love acupuncture, especially when it is free. He made me more relaxed about the fluid and said they would cancel it if needed so that if they are planning to do the transfer, I should have confidence in the decisions made. He told me to stay relaxed and warm until the transfer and I scheduled appointments for before and after my transfer on Monday. He reset all of my feelings and brought me back down to where I was last month. I really needed a reminder of how I can only control so much and have to leave the important decisions up to others.

The transfer is scheduled for Monday at 2:30. I need to find a way to stay relaxed and calm about everything. I'm not sure if I will call my RE to talk about the fluid or not.

Now I just need to make it through this week. I will be PUPO next week! I am really starting to get excited. I need to remind myself that I can only control so much. I will do my best to make good and healthy decisions and control my body and state of mind to the best of my ability. The rest is out of my hands.

Mind and Body

This week has been crazy but great. I have been busy writing reports, attending meetings, and doing therapy with work. In addition, I discovered a great place and realized things about myself personally and started to take control and action. 

On Monday I attended a support group for infertility with W. They mentioned the CNY Healing Arts and Wellness Center which is located next door to the fertility clinic where the support group was. They mentioned fertility yoga, so I decided I would go the following night (Tuesday). After the class I knew I needed to make some changes personally so I could feel good about doing everything in my power for success. 

Well, it was amazing. I can't recommend it highly enough. At first I was a little nervous since I haven't ever actually gone to a yoga class (only done DVD's at home). While it was a little "out there", I loved the instructor and she gave me lots of feedback and made me feel welcome and supported in the class. The class was from 5:50-7:00 and cost $7.00. After the class some of the ladies met for a little support group. That was one of the best experiences I have had so far with my journey through infertility. As much as blogging is a great release and I have "met" some amazing people, talking with people in real-life was just so different. It wasn't led or directed by anyone like the group the previous night, it was just women talking about similar situations and sharing stories and advice. I know I will continue the yoga each week and attend the support group after. The monday night once a month thing, we will see. 

Since I was feeling so great and empowered from the yoga I decided I was going to start acupuncture. I have been in the past for other reasons, but never to this place. It was great. I had been feeling stressed and nervous, but since have been feeling relaxed and in control. I know I will continue through this cycle, just not sure how often since it is expensive. 

This week I have made some realizations about my fate. Just because I pay all the money, do the shots, show up for appointments, and have the procedures does not guarantee success. Physically and mentally I wasn't in a great place recently and this week I have completely turned it around. I started feeling in control of those things I know I can control and have a positive effect over (my mind and body) and have decided to let go and try not to control or understand (too much) the process of IVF.

 I made some dietary changes and have felt great about doing so. I feel positive and much less stressed and am preparing my body the best I can for what it is about to undertake. I hope getting my mind focused in the right direction will help. In effect, I am feeling more positive and optimistic. 

What I do know for certain is that I feel great, I feel in control, and I feel like I am ready emotionally, physically, and mentally to take on IVF in my best possible state. I better be though because we started Lupron tonight!