Relying on Vitamin C and Neupogen

All week I've been getting headaches from the Lupron. This morning I woke up with a stuffed up nose and sore throat. I thought getting through a work day with a headache was rough. Today I realized it's much better than trying to work with a headache and sore throat. 

I started Neupogen today which helps boost white blood cells. I'm hoping those white blood cells can kick this cold's ass. Come on Neupogen!

I also started Lovenox and baby aspirin this morning. I've been bruising really bad on my right side so might have to just stick to the left side of my stomach. I also start Delestrogen tonight. 

Unfortunately, my insurance didn't cover the Delestrogen. When I called the insurance to find out why they cover Estradiol but not Delestrogen they gave me a very strange reply. They told me it's something that is typically administered by the doctor in their office and then the doctor bills the insurance. It's not something that is covered if just dispensed. I don't get it. On the plus side, my insurance covered the Neupogen and I only paid 50 bucks. You win some you lose some. 

I just hope I can start feeling better soon. I don't plan to do much this weekend except lay low and try to feel better. We are having dinner at my in-law's tomorrow and hopefully will go to yoga on Sunday. 

The side effects have been rough this time around. It's so strange how each cycle the meds affect me differently. I've taken Lupron and had no issues and taken it other cycles and gotten daily headaches. 

Happy Friday!! I hope everyone has a good weekend. 

Throwing in the Kitchen Sink

Today has been extra long. Maybe it's because we woke up early and accomplished a lot by noon, and maybe it's the extra hour. I'm not thrilled about how early in got dark out, but hey, that comes with this time of year. 

Multiple times this weekend I looked outside to see snow flurries/sleet. Nothing stuck to the ground but a few rooftops and cars were covered with a dusting of snow this morning. It's starting to feel less like fall and more like winter. There are a few trees that still have pretty leaves on them, but most trees are now barren. 

Yesterday we hung out mostly.  I did some quilting, and W worked on some random stuff around the house with my FIL.  We then went to the movies to see Flight and it was really good. From there we hit up the in-law's for some free and delicious dinner. 

This morning we woke up early to go to yoga. I finally convinced W to join me for a class. The class was challenging but also amazing and I felt so great after. The place we went also has a hot tub, sauna, and steam shower that we both used after. It was a pretty fabulous way to spend a Sunday morning. 

I hate to admit it, but it was the kind of weekend that made me glad we don't have any kids yet. We did exactly what we wanted and that's something I don't take for granted. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to do an endometrial biopsy. I've had one done before so know what to expect, but I also don't expect it to be enjoyable. I'm willing to throw the kitchen sink in on this cycle, so whatever helps I'm willing to try. 

I started Lupron on Thursday and have been having slight headaches. It's nothing terrible, but just pesky and present. My first shot last week I started bleeding a bunch and have a bruise to show for it. I guess I was a little rusty. I take my last birth control pill tomorrow and have another appointment this Thursday. After that we will start Lovenox, Neupogen, and Estrogen. I found out the Estrogen will be an IM shot but it's only every few days. I also called to get a price on the Neupogen and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected.  

I'm really looking forward to Thankgiving with my family. We are going to my sister's house and I will get to see her pregnant belly for the first time in months. I can't wait to rub it (making her uncomfortable doing so) for good luck!

Waiting....again

I feel like I've written a post about waiting a hundred times already. But, here I go again! 

 I woke up early this morning and don't have any therapy sessions scheduled until 9:20. I only have to drive ten minutes down the road to get there. It's rainy and gloomy outside this morning and it looks chilly. The leaves are just a little past peak, but still amazingly beautiful. Even though I have tons of time this morning, I will still find a way to be late. 

Here are some photos I look the other day (when it was sunny) of the leaves in the finger lakes. 

It's hard to believe I'm actually "cycling" right now because I'm just taking birth control pills... Again. This protocol for the FET cycle is long and complicated. I don't go back into the clinic until halloween at which time I likely add in Lupron the following day. From the 1st-5th I overlap with birth control pills and Lupron. On the 5th I stop bcp's and on the 6th I'll drop my dosage of Lupron in half. Then I go back for more blood work and a sono on November 8th. If all goes well I start estrogen, Lovenox, baby aspirin, and Neupogen the 9th. I return for blood work and sono on November 14th and 19th. We have a tentative transfer date for November 26th, which feels like a lifetime away right about now.

This is Dr. Br.averman's preferred protocol. He said that the Lupron aids in implantation. I was happy at first to see we would be using Lupron. The main reason? That would be because we bought an entire kit ($199) for a 30 unit trigger. I was glad to see we would be using more of it. That was until I looked at the complete calendar and became completely overwhelmed. I know I will be okay as long as I take it one day at a time.

At my clinic the plan was to bring me back one more time (Oct 29th) for a lining check. As long as everything looked good I would start progesterone that day and transfer 5 days later (Nov 2nd). I'm bummed we are adding in essentially a whole extra month, but I'm trying to convince myself it is a good thing. I emailed Dr. B this morning about trying to fit in an endometrial biopsy since I'm guessing I will get another period before we transfer.

The days are once again dragging as I wait on birth control pills. I'm thinking I need something fun to look forward to, I'm jut trying to figure out what that is. Any suggestions? We had talked about visiting W's cousin and gf in NYC.

I'm not really too great at waiting. I can't find productive enough ways to fill my time. I started quilting a few months ago and have pieced together two of the fronts of two different quilts.

Quilt #2- I started it because I LOVED the fabric and had to have it. 

 That is the part I really enjoyed. Now I have to finish the backing and edges and its just not as rewarding or fun. I recently finished an amazing book and now don't know what to read. The pick for book club this month looks pretty awful. Any tips or tricks for combating boredom?

IVF #4 CD 12- The Final Stretch

Today W joined me for my appointment. The NP measured my right side first and I thought for sure we would trigger tonight. Then she went over to my underachieving left side and the follicles were a bit smaller. On the left side I had 2x13 mm, 2x14 mm, 3x15 mm, and 2x16 mm. On the right there were: 1x11 mm, 1x13 mm, 1x14 mm, 3x16 mm, 2x17 mm, and 2x19 mm. Obviously not all of these are going to be mature at retrieval, but I'm happy with how things are progressing.

Since my clinic was only going to be open for a half day today the NP said it was important I call her ASAP to let her know if we would trigger tonight or not. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call when I knew. I asked her if she would trigger me tonight and she said she would probably hold off another day, especially since we are planning to freeze everything. She also said it was important to find out from Dr. Br.averman on what day he wants the embryos frozen. I assumed it would be day 5, but she said sometimes the preference is on day 1. I will put in an email to Dr. B to see what he has to say. 

Once I got in the car I emailed the nurse at Dr. B's office and told her I needed to know about triggering ASAP although I was pretty sure I knew the answer. She got back to me fairly quickly and said we were going to hold off another day. I called my clinic and scheduled another appointment for tomorrow.

Based on how I felt this weekend I knew there was going to be a big jump in my estradiol levels. My sense of smell became out of control and I started feeling much more uncomfortable. I'm officially to the walking super slow phase of this cycle. Today my estradiol was 4537, up from 1094 on Friday. We are definitely planning a Lupron trigger and freeze all based on my levels today. They kept my Gonal-F the same and reduced my Menopur to 1 vial.

I finished my crap-tastic book for book club over the weekend. I can't believe people like to read stuff like that, but oh well. It's just not for me. Promptly upon completion I shopped in the Kindle store for a new read. I came across a book called The Light Between Oceans. So far it is amazing. It was so refreshing to start reading a book with good writing! Our book club meets tomorrow and I don't think I'm going to have a whole lot of input. 

We (and by we I mostly mean W) crafted some Halloween decorations for our porch. We made some ghosts and a spider web and put out orange lights for the porch lights. Today we went to the pumpkin patch and got a bunch of pumpkins. I have a thing about white pumpkins since I had them for decoration at our wedding. They didn't have any good big white ones but I got a few small ones. 

We have a freeze warning for tonight and so we covered our raised flower bed full of dahlias with some old sheets, and boy is it attractive! I'm going to be so sad to see my flowers go, they have been so beautiful for months. 

In other news I heard that one of the girls I went to graduate school with is really sick. She is on a ventilator in the hospital in very critical condition. Some friends started a page on Facebook for updates about her. It sounds like last night was really bad. She is in my thoughts and I'm asking that anyone else keep her in your thoughts too. They think she may have an extremely rare neurological condition that has no known cure. I really hope she pulls through. Something like that really puts things in perspective.

Lupron Time

It's time to stab myself with some needles. I just can't get too excited about going through the whole IVF process again. It's not really something I look forward to, but hopefully this will all be worth it. 

We had a good weekend. We celebrated our dog's 5th birthday on Friday. 

The yearly tradition of taking her picture in a birthday hat. Isn't she cute?

Since we were so excited to celebrate Togie's birthday we failed to look at our tickets for Aziz Ansari (comedian from the show Parks and Recreation). We bought the tickets over a month ago and W and I both had the 14th stuck in our heads since buying them. We planned to go with a co-worker of mine and her BF. We went out for Thai food beforehand and had a great dinner. We then headed over, paid to park, and were walking towards the building. Just then, we saw a guy on the corner scalping tickets. We said we already had some and he said, "enjoy the game." I whispered to W to check the tickets and that's when we realized the show had been for the previous night. All of the other people were going to a hockey game. That would explain the hockey jerseys and lots of young children. Boo hoo! Giant waste of money. We laughed it off mostly W felt so bad and disappointed about it.

We headed to the mall to see if there were any good movies playing. We went to the arcade since my friend loves it. It's been a long time since I've been to an arcade! It was pretty fun and we were able to pool our tickets and get some crappy little prize.

No good movies were playing so we headed to a wine and dessert place and had some yummy dessert. So much for not eating much in the way of carbs or sugar. Overall, I've been pretty good with eating better. Lunch is the hardest, but I've been using the My Fitness Pal app on my phone to track calories and I've been staying below or at my goal most days. Taking the dogs for a long walk most days definitely helps. I am looking forward to warmer weather so we can go for bike rides. Sorry dogs. 

I went to a bridal shower today. I'm hoping the next shower I attend is my own baby shower.

Freedom Pharmacy (a mail order fertility pharmacy) royally screwed up my order this week. Instead of processing the right amount of Crinone (30), they submitted an order for 84 to my insurance. My insurance promptly denied it all and my bank called me to ask if I had made a purchase for $1150 to said pharmacy. I called them and they cancelled it and said they would credit me back $850. It still hasn't been credited. I don't think I will be using them again in the future. Good thing my bank caught the error. I haven't heard much in the way of an apology from them either for screwing up.

We finally filed our taxes this week (nothing like waiting until the last minute). We are getting back a nice return and should be able to remodel out bathroom without dipping into our savings. I'm looking forward to upgrading from 1970.

Don't you wish your bathroom looked this nice? Gorgeous!

We have been invited to my cousin's wedding in Hawaii in September. I really want to go. If we are saving for more rounds of IVF I don't think we can afford it. We shall see. My uncle might have a timeshare that we can use so I have to email him and see about that one.

I've learned my lesson about fancy painting jobs. We painted stripes on our office/future nursery over a year ago. I loved them so decided we should do a pattern in our bedroom. I looked online and finally found some diamonds I really liked. The process involves using painter's tape and then paining. I decided recently I didn't like the color and that the pattern was annoying. We tried to paint over it recently but we could still see the design through. We spent a large amount of time this weekend using "mud" for drywall and trying to smooth it out and then W spent most of today sanding it. I have 2 colors I like for the bedroom and now can't decide which one to do. What do you think?

Mozart Blue. This was the color I originally wanted to do but now I'm worried it's going to be too dark. We do have a large bedroom though.

OR

Huntington beige. This is a much safer color but I don't want to be boring either. It goes more with the other bedroom colors upstairs.

A week from tomorrow I have my suppression check and hopefully will start stims that day. We shall see. So far we've gotten off pretty cheap this cycle since we have a 900 Gonal-F pen left over from last time. I'm not sure if we will need more since they will have me on a lower dose this time around. I'm not using Menopur this time, but Luveris instead. That was pretty cheap. The Lupron kit was on sale and then Crinone is mostly covered by my insurance. 


If you've made it this far you deserve an award for reading my jabber! Hope everyone else had a nice weekend. Input about paint colors is appreciated!

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

They Hit

Side effects. Always after 3 days on any medication I start to feel side effects. I have had a dull headache since Wednesday night right before bed. I woke up yesterday and it lingered all day. I was able to take a nap while hubby was cooking dinner so that was nice but when I woke up the headache was still there. 

Crazy dreams! This morning I was dreaming about a giant horse kicking and biting me in the face when W woke me up. It was scary! I also dreamt I was in my freshman college dorm. Little things pop up during the day that remind me of parts of a crazy dream. 

I'm feeling a little spacey and forgetful. I will start a sentence and not be able to finish. Makes me look smart. 

Hot flashes. I'm usually pretty cold but yesterday when I asked someone "Is it hot in here" and they replied, "no, I'm actually cold" I knew something was up. I drove with my windows down for part of the day. 

My boobs are getting a little sore and uncomfortable. 

I'm craving crap food. Not sure if this is just me though. I can't seem to consistently make good choices. I was at a pre-kindergarten class yesterday and it was someone's birthday. Those cupcakes looked too good to pass up. Funfetti with whipped cream frosting. Boy did I regret that one. I don't ever eat that much sugar so it shocked me a bit with a super intense headache and stomachache. It was pretty delicious in the moment though. 

We have a bunch of snow on the ground this morning and are supposed to get a few more inches today. I wish I could just stay home and drink hot chocolate. 

3 more BCP's and 4 days until my suppression check. Is this really happening? Hope everyone has a safe Friday the 13th. I have a friend who has her beta for IVF #3 today. I hope she gets good news. 

Awesome Sauce

What makes the sauce so awesome? The fact that my thyroid is fine, that's what. 

On Friday I had my ultrasound. No big surprise the tech didn't want to give me any info. 

On Thursday, Friday, and Monday I called my physician's office and asked for the full thyroid blood panel. When I called Monday and they told me my doc would return my call that morning I was super annoyed when I didn't hear back. I went ahead and started the Lupron because I wasn't going to let the unknown issues with my thyroid delay me. 

The great news is he called this afternoon and told me no further testing was needed since the ultrasound revealed my thyroid was fine. I am so relieved and happy that I can continue on with the cycle full steam ahead with complete confidence. 

Dr. Google had freaked me out a little bit after my extensive searches. 

Today was day 2 of Lupron. I stop BCP's on Sunday night and have my suppression check on Monday morning bright and early. I don't usually start my Monday mornings until 9:00 about 10 minutes from my house. My appointment is at 6:45 about 45 minutes from my house. Help me please. 

Answers and a plan

Dr. S called on monday evening. He started to talk about protcols for the FET and I immediately interrupted him and said, "I think we might have a different problem." When I told him the spotting never turned into bleeding he wasn't really concerned. Here I was, stressing the f*&% out and he is all casual and says it's no biggie. He said with the D&C only being about 5 weeks prior he wouldn't have expected my lining to build up that much. He wanted to call my spotting on Friday as CD1 and start the frozen cycle.

He presented two option for the protcol. The first being estrogen only like I did previously. The other option involved suppressing me first with Lupron and then using the estrogen. He spent more time talking about the Lupron one. He told me when they discussed my case in conference that the Lupron seemed like the best idea. He then started to look at the calendar and count out the days only to find with the Lupron the transfer would fall the week after Christmas when there is a "skeleton crew" working.

I then asked if we could do the protocol without Lupron. He wasn't completely pleased at first but finally talked himself into it. By the end of the conversation he was in agreement that if we do the FET right now the estrogen protocol is the best one. He warned me that the fluid could return and that we could be in the same situation again, but I realize this can happen with or without Lupron.

So Monday night he called in oral estrogen to my pharmacy and I started. We chatted briefly yesterday and I received a call later in the day that I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 9:00. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for Dec 5th!!!!!

Have you ever considered.....

Being your own RE? I joke with my hubby all the time about how I am going to become my own RE. I mean, I've talked to Dr.S enough and have a good enough grasp of this all, right? I mean, I do have a fridge full of all the meds I need. I have an idea of the dosage and at what time I ovulate, I should just go ahead, right? Who needs to pay big bucks for ultrasounds and blood work?

I am honestly just kidding. I have considered this before, but never very seriously. I guess all of our chats about OHSS did their job. This month I am off from cycling. I haven't had an active cycle since July when the transfer was cancelled. I have not had a legitimate chance of getting pregnant since May!! But I had a D&C on October 5th and my body needs time to heal and recover.

If you recall, I ovulated on Lupron during an IVF cycle (last January) and became pregnant. Forget IUI's and Clomid, apparently all I need is a little Lupron. And by a little I mean 1 shot. When we figured out how far along I was in my pregnancy we were able to figure out that I ovulated the day I started Lupron, day 21 of that cycle. Lupron triggered ovulation for me. So.... that makes me think. Would a little Lupron get me to ovulate and give me a shot this month at getting pregnant on my own (*sort of.) I'm not talking about injecting myself with Gonal-F at high doses for a few weeks, we're talking about a single shot of Lupron.

BTW, these were my thoughts last week leading up to day 14 of my cycle.

We came up with a plan at my appointment on Friday. I had been hoping Dr. S would give me the go-ahead to start oral progesterone on day 21 of this cycle so that I could have a 28-ish day cycle and get started of the FET. Well, he wants me to wait 28 days to see if I get AF on my own (yeah, I've never had a 28 day cycle). He wrote me a prescription and told me if I haven't gotten my period my Nov 1 I should start it.

Flash forward to Saturday (CD 17). We had a mellow day and were just hanging out. I decided to take a bath and saw the OPK's sitting on the vanity. I had one left and decided to take it. Well, what do you know, FIRST EVER TRUE POSITIVE on an OPK. I have always found them to be frustrating and difficult to read, but not this time. It was a clear positive. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face the rest of the day. So the question is... should you call me Dr. Liz?

IVF #1 CD 2 (suppression check)

So everything went well. I was cleared to start stims yesterday and the ultrasound was uneventful. I am currently on 150 IU's on Gonal-F and my Lupron was reduced to 10 units/day.

Speaking of Lupron, we had some issues yesterday. I had the nurse call in a script on Monday to my pharmacy and went Wednesday to see the status. They told me they were waiting for pre-authorization from my insurance company form the doctor's office. I asked yesterday and the nurse said she never heard from them. Well, the kit I had was almost gone so the nurse had to do some scrambling to find some. Due to the shortage, the closest she could find it was a pharmacy in NYC. I had to pay the full price since I didn't have time to get the pre-auth from insurance, and pay to have it delivered next day. The price wasn't too bad and my insurance company will reimburse me if it is something they cover. I just received the package and have a new Lupron kit in my possession.

The worst part about my appointment yesterday was the nurse. She is the main nurse at this clinic because it is small. She is the one I talk to with my questions, she did my IUI's, and is basically my go-to person. Well, I walked in yesterday to see she was bald. I finally asked her if everything was OK and she shook her head and didn't really say much. She then talked about how her voice has been bothering her and she thinks it is from the new round of chemo she started. I knew she had surgery a few months back but thought it was just back surgery. I felt really sad for her the rest of the day.

We had dinner on the boat with my in-laws yesterday. The weather was amazing and the wine was delicious. Going to the lake reminds me of when W and I first met and would hang out. We were both working at a restaurant and I would often go to his parent's lake house to hang out after work with him. We have so many great memories there, and just being there reminds me of how lucky I am to have him and everything great in my life. I am so thankful we are even able to have the opportunity to do IVF. Maybe I will be brave enough to go swimming today, we will see.

Something horrible happened a little while ago. I checked on the robin eggs to see whether they had hatched or not and then went back inside. About 5 minutes later I heard a loud boom and looked out to see the hanging basket fell and the eggs were broken on my front porch. I felt horrible (and still do). I'm sorry momma robin : (

Trying to be positive

I have been trying to stay calm and collected about everything, but this morning I started to get concerned that I hadn't gotten AF yet. I started lupron on day 21 of my cycle (13 days ago).  Last time around the nurse told me I would get my period within 7-10 days of starting. Still no signs of AF.

It just happened the nurse from my clinic called me this afternoon to change my appointment time for Friday. I used it as an opportunity to ask her about getting my period and whether that was necessary to start stims. She asked if I regularly get my period and I told her I do. She then proceeded to tell me I should have gotten it by now and that there might be something wrong. She asked if I could be pregnant (I took a test and am not) or said I may have a cyst. I am so worried about having a cyst (especially with my lovely cyst history), and am having a hard time staying positive. 

At this point I am just trying to make it until Friday at 9:30 for my appointment. The good news is that my RE will be doing the scan rather than the regular sonographer. I will be able to get answers at the time of the scan which will be good. The bad news is he is not as gentle with "wandy". 

I am really hoping AF shows by Friday or sometime close to that time and that I can still do IVF this month. I am really hoping I don't get my cycle cancelled before I ever really start. I am so frustrated that I don't seem to be able to get past the lupron stage of IVF. Please send some positive thoughts my way. I am trying to stay positive, but it is getting difficult. 

Happy June ICLW and the sweet smell of sunscreen on little boys

Welcome new readers and frequent fliers. I am looking forward to finding some new blogs and connecting with some other amazing women this month. I am currently on Lupron for my first IVF in June/July. I have my next appointment on July 1st, and as long as everything looks good I will start stims then.

My crazy journey to date has included 2 failed IUI's, 2 laparoscopic surgeries, a lost left tube due to a cyst/benign tumor, and an early miscarriage (8 weeks). It's been a crazy year, but I am starting to realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through everything up to this point. I am learning to be a much more compassionate and patient person.

Most recently, I have started yoga for fertility and acupuncture and absolutely love them. I am feeling much more at peace with this process and my journey. I am doing everything I can that is in my power, and leaving the rest up to chance/luck/modern medicine. I can only control so much, so I am trying to let the rest go.

In addition, I am cutting dairy out of my diet. So far it has been a challenge. I am definitely missing cheese.

I have to note that the highlight of my day involved a little boy I work with snuggling up on my lap and smelling like sunscreen. He smelled so great and extended his love to me. What a great feeling!

So to keep the conversation from being one-sided I am going to ask you some questions. Get ready...

1. What is your favorite outdoor activity in the summer? BTW, HAPPY SUMMER!!
2. What is your favorite song you recently heard?
3. What do you do for work? Do you love it? Do you feel like you are making a difference/impact? If not, what else would you love to be doing?
4. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?
5. Do you smile more or frown more?
6. What are you currently reading?

My answers:
1. swimming, boating, waterskiing (what, I can't list more than one?) They all involve the lake.
2. I recently heard a song by Civil Wars called I've Got this Friend. I love Sirius radio!
3. I am a speech-language pathologist and work with children aged birth-five. My job challenges me regularly, but I love that I can help others and empower children to communicate rather than become frustrated.
4. I went repelling down waterfalls in Costa Rica. One was 180 feet and it was a total rush. I would love to go sky diving.
5. I try to smile more and have been working on this. It is challenging since my patience is tested regularly, but I love the effect of smiling at kids and the reaction I receive.
6. I just started reading Fully Fertile. I was reading a novel on my kindle, but decided I needed to fully commit to this cycle on IVF.

My sharps bin is getting heavy

I wish there were awards, trophies, or medals for "accomplishments" in IF. Examples of awards would be: HSG completed, semen analysis (for the hubby), sharps bin full, first injection, etc. My walls and shelves would be lookin' good!

My sharps bin is getting full and is starting to get heavy. I started Lupron on Thursday and haven't really had any issues. I did get one hot flash but I had just gotten out of the shower and was hot already. By the end though I was dripping in sweat. Not a ton of fun.

I am giving the injections myself this cycle which is different. The biggest difference is that I focus more on the motor task of giving the shot than the sensory aspect of how it feels. So far so good.

I've started to cut back on my dairy intake and find that breakfast is the hardest meal. I was a pole-vaulter in high school and had back issues for a little bit. My mom took me to a chiropractor and he said it was my kidneys and that I should cut dairy out of my diet. At the time that seemed crazy. When I saw the acupuncturist she noted that my kidneys were off (I can't remember exactly what she said so this is what I took away from it). I then remembered the advice from the chiropractor. I haven't been perfect, but I am making an effort to cut back.

Has anyone tried the Circle + Bloom meditation for IVF series? Any feedback would be appreciated. I am thinking of purchasing it, but would also love to find someone who has it and could copy it for me for a small fee. Any takers?

June already?!

I was in denial for a while about spring. Now summer is here (or at least it feels like it), and I can't deny it since there is sweat dripping down my face. I think I was in denial because it meant accepting a passage of time without the results I wanted. I can't believe it is June already and I will be dragging my sorry ass back into my RE in a few short weeks. I would really love to not go crawling back like the ex who doesn't leave you alone.

W is out of town tonight visiting his grandma. He had this week off and starts his new job next week. There are positives and negatives of him being gone. The good: I get the bed to myself, can watch whatever I want, can buy chocolate and not have to share it, and can stay out shopping and doing whatever I want without having him calling me asking me when I'm coming home. The bad: my personal chef is gone, the dogs are my responsibility, not matter how late I stay out I still come home to a empty and dark house, it's lonely! He's only gone one night but this is the first night I have spent in our house alone. I think I will survive though.

This week is going by slowly with work. I have mixed feelings about the school year being over. I see children in early intervention and preschool. Early intervention goes through the summer but preschool students need to qualify for summer services. I am looking at a much lighter caseload for the summer, but also lighter paychecks as a result. I am happy that W will be working and that we will have a second income, but mine is going to considerably decline. If we weren't doing IVF next month I wouldn't really care about it. Now I feel stressed about money. I guess not so stressed that I can't treat myself to some new shorts though.

I don't really have any news on the IF front since we are in a holding pattern. I am just waiting for a few more weeks to start Lupron. I have read about a Lupron shortage, anyone know anything about this? I have most of a box (missing only one night's dosage) but know I will need more. I hope it isn't an issue.

An answer to my burning question

I got pregnant in January (and miscarried in February). My RE was convinced I ovulated a result of the Lupron I was put on in preparation for an IVF cycle, but the dates never matched (on Feb 4th the embryo measured about 6 weeks). This was something that bothered me because I've been told I don't ovulate on my own.

I have been told by others that doesn't matter how I got pregnant, just that it happened at all. Unfortunately I don't agree. I am the type of person who seeks out answers and wants to completely understand everything I can. I want to know whether my body is functioning properly or not.

Today my RE returned my call and I finally got the opportunity to bring this up. He looked at a pregnancy calendar and determined that from the 6 week ultrasound on Feb 4th, I would have conceived on Jan 7th. I started Lupron on January 5th.

He then went on to say that Lupron may have caused a surge in LH and caused the release of a mature egg. Did you catch that?? Mature egg...

He said that Dec/Jan was probably was an ovulatory cycle for me because there was an egg to release. Lupron didn't help me to grow an egg in two days, it just helped trigger a surge of LH.

I am happy to get some closure on this issue and know that I was growing a follicle that month and that the Lupron didn't cause me to ovulate, it may have just helped. I could have ovulated on my own that month had I not taken the Lupron.

I mentioned that I may have ovulated this month but am not completely sure. He said the OPK's are pretty black and white, but I don't see them that way! He agreed to test my Progesterone this month to see whether I not I ovulated.  He doesn't want to prescribe Provera if there is a chance I did ovulate and could be pregnant (I highly doubt it, but I guess you never know). He said from an academic standpoint, he is always interested in hormone levels as long as I am willing to get stuck with a needle (sign me up, I've done it enough by now). Remember, I'm the one who elected for surgery?

 He also told me I am "not a textbook case"... great. Last time I was there he made a comment about how thick my file at the clinic was... fantastic. Do I get some kind of award for that?

My RE also gave me the news that I am not insulin resistant. My results from the fasting insulin and glucose finally came back and the ratio looked good. It is good news, but doesn't help explain why I have PCOS.

My HCG levels were negative from this past Monday. I have an appointment scheduled with him for Friday at 2:00 where we will discuss my upcoming Clomid/IUI cycle. He briefly mentioned something about gonadotropins in addition to the Clomid, but says he hasn't decided yet. We will see...

Alright already!

So I have finally gone insane. I am on day 13 of Lupron and still no signs of AF. I woke up this morning incredibly disappointed (my period tends to come at night when I am sleeping.) I actually started crying when I told my hubby, and then thought for sure that because I was crying first thing in the morning that it would come today.

I tried to call the RE's office this afternoon when she still hadn't appeared, but they were closed for MLK day. I am sure I will be calling tomorrow, because I am starting to wonder whether she is EVER going to show up!! I am beyond frustrated and feeling a bit depressed. The nurse told me about 10 days after starting she would come and we are now 3 days past that. I tend to do well with bad news or things not going well when I am prepped in advance. My worst case scenario was that it was going to come this weekend, but NOPE. I guess the plus is that if it had come over the weekend I would have tried to call the RE's office and stressed that they weren't open. I was doing really well handing my stress up to this point where I am starting to feel REALLY stressed out! I am starting to fear I have a new cyst, I will run out of Lupron during this cycle, or my cycle is going to get cancelled. Those meds in the fridge are just staring at me!

I've tried everything else, so maybe just posting this and complaining will convince AF to show up! A lot of people say once they called their RE's office and made an appointment to get things checked out, it came. I have been feeling like it has been coming for about a week or so, especially since my boobs are SO SORE!! I can barely walk down the stairs without being in pain (I know this is also a side effect of Lupron.)

Matron of Honor

My sister is getting married July 23rd of this year and I am the matron of honor in her wedding. Unfortunately my sister lives about 3 hours away and we don't see each other that often. She was my maid on honor in my wedding in October of 2009 and it was pretty obvious I would play that role in her wedding (I am really happy to be the one). The problem is, she went dress shopping with her friends a few weeks ago. Lately she has been pressuring me to go look at dresses and maybe even order one. I can't remember when they ordered the dresses for my wedding, but I know I still have some time.

The thing is, I'm not ready. I weigh a little more than I would like right now and am really hoping I will be pregnant for her July wedding. Her friends like a specific dress from David's Bridal but she also gave me the option of picking my own dress. The biggest issue is I WANT TO BE PREGNANT and don't want to buy a dress yet. There, that's my rant.

In other news I think the rash that developed on my hands was not a side effect of Lupron and was instead a side effect of too much hand sanitizer and really cold temperatures. My hands ended up cracking and becoming really dry. I talked with someone today who showed me her hands and they looked even worse that mine. I bought some Burt's Bees hand lotion and that seems to be helping.

We joined the gym for 2011 yesterday. I had been going for over 2 months on a free month membership, but finally got busted last week. We went the past two nights but had to leave earlier than we wanted to get home and do my shot. My body really seems to be adjusting to the Lupron and I am have far fewer side effects. I am still waiting on my period which seems to be allusive. The nurse at my RE's office said it should be about 10 days after starting Lupron. Tonight was our 9th shot, so tomorrow is the 10th day. Please come on out lady friend (wow, she's my friend now)!

I was really hoping originally that I would be starting stims this week, but I realize much of this is a waiting game and out of my control. I know once we start the stims it will all happen very quickly. I am able to talk with one of the mom's of the kids I work with since she also went through IVF. She said the most important thing is to reduce my stress and not let my mind play games with me. She said I should do whatever relaxes me. I love taking baths but know I will have to stop this soon. I have a great new book I have been reading and we have been going to bed much earlier. It is really relaxing to lie in bed next to my hubby and read a great book.

We had brunch with some friends on Sunday who have a 5 month old baby girl. The wife of the couple (C) was a classmate of my husband's and she got pregnant 2/3 of the way through school. When we got to know her better, she told me the baby wasn't planned. Their insurance had changed and they had been using the "pull and pray" method of birth control. C ended up taking this entire year off from school and will go back next summer to complete her final year of schooling. When we first got there they were running behind schedule. C still had her hair up in her towel and was chopping veggies. I immediately noticed a pregnancy test on the counter. Eventually her hubby took it off with a bunch of other stuff, but it was staring me in the face. It was hard to pretend like I didn't see it.

We ended up staying about 5 hours and the pregnancy test issue came up as C and I were talking in another room. I asked her if she is able to take birth control while nursing and she said she is on a progesterone only "light pill" but that it completely throws off her cycle. Her hubby made her take the test because she hadn't had her period, but she is not pregnant. I had a great time with their little girl and it was the first time we saw her that she didn't cry when I held her. She is starting to babble sounds and imitate a little bit and I got her laughing really hard. I had a great time playing with her. And then the question came up: When are you guys going to have kids? We have debated telling them about all of our issues, but the main reason we haven't is because they take their fertility for granted (I'm not positive of this but it's hard not to think it.) They got pregnant without even trying and here we are, dropping a ton of money for the chance to get pregnant.  We had a great time with them and are so glad to find other people who we have so much in common with (I think that is part of why they want us to have kids.) We are planning to go x-country skiing with them in two weeks and my hubby is planning to take the baby on him while skiing. He is very athletic and confident (especially when it comes to skiing), but I think he is crazy!

Side Effects= Menopause

So I started feeling the side effects of the Lupron yesterday. We are doing 20 units which seems like a lot compared to other people's blogs and postings. I see now why avoiding the internet is probably a good idea at times. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether they may have made a mistake with the dosage, but then I remember that the nurse had my chart in front of her while talking to me. I try not to doubt anything about my RE and trust in him 110%. It's amazing how quickly this all seems routine. Filling up the syringe, injecting, and then giving the team ___(our last name) high five to complete it all. 

Yesterday after work I decided I wanted to go out and do something for our Friday night. Usually we spend weekend nights sitting on our couch streaming something off of Netflix. We like to lay low most of the time, but it also results in us falling asleep early. I decided I wanted to stay up later so last night was our gift card night. We had a bunch left over from Christmas and I am usually horrible about using them. I've heard that companies make a lot of money this way.

We first went to Marshalls to look for a side table to put next to our reclining chair. We ended up finding one but also got dog treats (2 varieties) and a new shower head (so our stinky dogs can get baths.) Of course we spent more than our $50.00 gift card, but nothing excessive. We then went to dinner at Panera with our $20.00 gift card. Midway through the meal I felt a hot flash. It put it together that I had felt one previously in the day as well. My face got so flushed and I felt extremely hot. I thought it would be an OK sensation (I'm almost always cold), but once you actually feel one you realize how unpleasant they really are.

Also, earlier that morning I was driving to a house for work and the sun was coming up. It really was beautiful, but not worthing tearing up and almost crying over. 

The other really unfortunate reaction I have had relates to my digestive system. Once we finished eating we headed over to Target to look for either a Yoga Wii game or dvd. We weren't able to find a Wii game, but as soon as I found the dvd selection, my dinner hit my stomach. This made me immediately feel like I had to go to the bathroom. I guess I will be more direct and state the truth: I have had really unpleasant diarrhea. I go about 4 times a day and it's not fun, especially in a public restroom. That's all I'll say about that one. On the other hand I am excited about our new yoga dvd's. 

This evening we are having some family over for dinner. We were cleaning up the bathroom and my hubby dropped something into the sink as I was cleaning it. He then proceeded to clean it off on the new and clean towel I had just hung in the bathroom. I immediately yelled "what the heck are you doing?!" He looked at me like I was crazy and then told me he thought it was a bit of an overreaction. I looked at him jokingly and yelled "I'm going through menopause!" In case you don't know, Lupron shuts down your body and acts similarly to menopause. Basically I am going through menopause, but I guess it is just a look into the future and will make me more understanding to those who actually are going through it. 

I've noticed my skin breaking out a little more. Usually at a certain point in my cycle I do break out a little bit on my chin. That time had come and gone when I started my Lupron. Sure enough, those little suckers popped back up with some friends.

The hardest part has been not telling people about our IVF. Whenever I am around friends or family I think about it, but then realize it is just more people asking how things are going. 

I work with a lot of young children and their families. This week I had two mom's asking me whether I had kids or not. This tends to be one of the first questions people ask me when they see how much I seem to enjoy children. I do love them and love working with them, but am sick of people asking me if I have my own children. Early on my reason was because I wasn't married yet. Once we got married, I said we were newly married and wanted to enjoy our time without kids. My newest reason is that my hubby wants to finish school and get a job first. This was the main reason we waited a while to start trying, but now that he is almost done this excuse isn't going to work for long. Here is a conversation I had with a mom this week:

Mom: When are you going to have kids?

Me: Ask my husband

Mom: Why, he doesn't want to have any?

Me: No, he just wants to have a job first

Mom: That makes sense. Isn't he almost done?

Me: Yeah, he has 19 weeks left

Mom: Well then you should start trying

Me: (smile)

Mom: (looks at the little boy I work with and says) Don't you think L should have a baby in her belly?

Awkward to say the least. Most of the families I work with the parents are younger than me and already have a few children. One of the families had a baby 3 weeks ago and I went to the house for the first time since she was born this Thursday. I was really looking forward to seeing the new baby, but when I got there she was sleeping in the bedroom. I kept looking over to the video monitor to see if she was going to wake up, but she never did. When the session was over I had to ask to see her. The mom brought me into the bedroom and showed me the beautiful sleeping little baby. She was absolutely adorable. I've found with the infertility that the initial pregnancy announcement is hard to take, but once I get over the initial shock I am really excited for them. One of my co-workers is pregnant and due in May. This week she found out she was having a boy. I am so happy for her because that is what she wanted. When she first told me I was shocked. She just got married in May. I tend to pry a bit and ask a lot of questions "do you guys start trying right away?" They were the "were weren't trying but we weren't not trying." 

One of the weird things about my job is that I problem-solve situations about children with the parents (temper tantrums, potty training, getting rid of pacifiers, ideas for play, developmental milestones, napping, etc.) It is strange to give advice about these things not being a parent yet, but it gives me a better idea of what it will be like. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly for sure!!

Back to the RE Post-Op

I had my appointment on Friday with the RE. The nurse recognized me in the waiting room and asked how I was doing on my way to the receptionist. The receptionist also asked how I was doing. They then took me right into the office. 

They weighed me first. I'm not too happy with my weight these days and am really looking forward to getting back into better shape now that this cyst is gone. Because the cyst was so large and the doctor wasn't sure what it was, he advised me to not do too much vigorous exercise until I got in removed. 


They took me into an exam room and the doctor checked the stitches. He said they looked good and that I was healing well. He then said to meet him in his office. 

This appointment was a little different from the past ones. For starters, I no longer had the cyst that was always a concern in the past. Also, we were talking about taking our next steps towards pregnancy during this meeting. He said we had two options: to take Lupron for 3-6 months and see whether is clears my tubes. He said we would do it for 3 months and then run the HSG again. 

The other option is to go ahead with IVF. Since I am young and my tubes are blocked, this is our course where we will likely have the most success. When I asked the doctor what the success rates are at that clinic, he said he has only been there since July and that since they are a University, that they get the trickier cases. He says their odds don't look as good as other clinics for that reason. He also said that other IVF doctors would "kill" for a patient like me. I appear to be an easier case than he is used to. 


The doctor started talking about pricing and insurance for IVF. He said that since it is through the University, that it is more affordable (around $6,000). He said my insurance may cover it, but it also may not. I was told to call their billing person on Monday to discuss my insurance and what is covered. 

This leaves us with the decision as to what to do next. Do we take the Lupron that insurance covers and hope for the best with my tubes, or do we not waste time and get to the IVF? I have enough money in my bank account to cover one round, but what if we aren't successful? Choices, choices.....