62 Days

After my last post complaining about how long it had been since I'd had a period, my period finally arrived. It was a 62 day cycle and I wasn't thrilled to see Aunt Flo the morning of my scheduled massage. Poor timing! 

Yesterday I met with my gynecologist. Despite an insanely long wait my actual appointment was brief. I described my symptoms and he did an exam. He ordered blood work and told me he wanted me to have a sono done. Then he said I should schedule an appointment and we'll "figure things out." When I described what had happened with the ovulation tests he said I was likely having overlapping cycles. A LH surge doesn't necessarily mean ovulation. I interpret this as I'm likely making cysts. 

We talked about the different hormone tests he planned to run. When I mentioned I had high testosterone in the past he said that the testosterone is what fuels the LH surge. I'm guessing that means mine is high since I'm having multiple LH surges per cycle. 

I didn't get much of a chance to ask many questions, but I'm hoping next time I talk to him it will be more thorough. I understand he needs the blood work results to make decisions about how to treat me, but I guess I would have liked to have gotten some idea as to what he'll do. I think I was hoping for more resolution because it's not fun feeling like your hormones are crazy and all over the place. 

I left the appointment and immediately went and got my blood work done. I go back on January 7th for the sono and follow-up appointment. Dr. R did say that if I didn't hear from him next week regarding the blood work results to call for them. I also started taking Myo-inositol. I really should add in Vitamin D too. We'll see if it makes a difference.

CD1?!

Yesterday I woke up to a unpleasant surprise. I thought for sure since I was still nursing at night I wouldn't get my period. Pair that with PCOS and irregular cycles to begin you and you can imagine my surprise. As much as I don't welcome it back, I've had a long break. This is my first period since December 2012. Crazy, huh? 

I've been taking metformin since about 8 weeks post partum. I've been slowly increasing my dosage as that stuff can be rough on the GI system. This week I started my dose at 2000 mg. I don't think this is what brought my period on. 

Don't get the wrong impression when I put CD 1 as a post title. It doesn't mean we are trying to get pregnant. I'm not on birth control but I also didn't think I was ovulating. I guess I should start paying closer attention. We also aren't having much sex to be completely honest. 

My sister came out Tuesday night for the night with my nephew Benny. Yesterday we went to the zoo with the babies and by the time I got home I had a horrible headache. Shortly after it turned into a migraine. 

Since having the girls I've gotten 2 really bad migraines. I'm debating going to my primary about it because I literally can't function when it happens. Thank god for a great and capable husband. Anyone have experience with migraines? Any tips or advice?

The Dark Clouds are Parting

Things are looking up. The dark clouds that were hanging around us last week seem to be moving aside and allowing for some bright light. We are feeling happier, smiling more, and moving on from the sadness. It took a lot longer this time, but it also changed some of our perspectives on things.

The orientation at the adoption agency Tuesday night really helped. We drove about two hours west and arrived early. It was a good thing we did because finding the office was incredibly confusing. I guess they had just moved so it wasn't marked as their office and we spent almost 25 minutes looking for the place, driving up and down the road. The orientation itself was informative and helped to explain the whole process really well. They had a bunch of sample profiles to look at and it was nice to see what people share about themselves. The agency also had a family come in with their four month old son to share their experience. They had waited thirteen months to be matched, but their little guy was adorable. The process sounds difficult and expensive, but totally worth it. I'm sure it's incredibly hard to wait for "the call." It seems to different from doing treatments.

After the orientation we went for dinner. The food was horrible but we laughed and had a good time. We had some great conversations in the car during our two hour ride home. It was fun to talk about and we both felt so positive.

We aren't jumping up and down to start registering with them. I thought it would be a good idea to speak to an adoption attorney first to get some reviews of this agency and possible other options before moving forward. If we do choose this agency they believe in open adoptions. When I first asked W about it we were on the fence. The more we thought about it the more it seemed fine. W said, "It's just another person we get to brag to about our kid." I thought that was funny.

When I looked up local adoption attorneys yesterday I found a good family friend of my MiL and FiL listed. W called him today and he said although he does deal with some adoptions, he had a good friend who primarily does them. He gave us his number and W left a message yesterday afternoon.

In other news Aunt Flo finally decided to show her face a full eight days after stopping my meds. It was the longest I have ever waited and I was honestly started to get concerned. I emailed the nurse at Dr. B's office on Wednesday and by Thursday morning things had started. I also got a call from Dr. B's office saying they had an appointment available for the 27th. I called back and we are scheduled for 2:30. We are planning to take Thursday and Friday off from work and spend some time in NYC. He isn't doing office visits in the city anymore (Hurricaine Sandy maybe?), but it's so close and a great excuse to spend some time in the city. I'm pretty sure the tree will still be up in Rockefeller center so I'm pretty excited to see that. W has two cousins that live in the city, I have one, and his aunt and uncle live in northern NJ. I'm sure we can find someone to stay with.

I have to call my local clinic to schedule a baseline appointment before starting birth control pills. I'm a little nervous about it because they always ask what kind of cycle I will be doing. I know they won't like the idea of me going somewhere else, but I think it's time to move on from them. 

It's somewhat alarming how much cheaper my current clinic's prices are. It has to be for some reason, right? I can't believe it's just because the RE who owns it has a good heart. We were able to buy three cycles for a little over $7,000. That included ICSI, assisted hatching, anesthesia, and all frozen cycles involved. It didn't include meds and monitoring. Doesn't that seems bit too cheap? My first IVF cycle was at a publicly funded state university clinic. They still charged us about $6,000 for the cycle we did there. 

 I'm sure my current clinic is a great clinic if you are a straightforward case and the one-size-fits-all approach works. Unfortunately, I'm not that person. I would have loved nothing more than for our first cycle to work with them. Three fresh cycles (one with a freeze all) and three frozen cycles later it still didn't worked. I shouldn't feel bad going somewhere else, we need to do what is best for us. At this point though I'm still not completely convinced what is best is doing a cycle with Dr. B. It may just be pursuing adoption, but I think I'd like some closure on treatments. The thing about that is as long as we have five frozen embyros, we won't have closure. I'd really like to make a decision by the end of the year so that if we pay for another cycle we can deduct it on our taxes. With all of our medical expenses this year it would help us to get some of it back. The prices at Dr. B's office certainly aren't as cheap as where I am now. 

None of this is easy, but now we have some plans in place. We are hoping to speak with a lawyer soon and at least register with an agency. We will meet with Dr. B and make a plan moving forward with him most likely. It's been a bumpy ride, but hopefully there will be fewer potholes in the future. Either that, or I should buckle up and hang on tight.

IVF #4 CD 20- Interesting...

Where to start? How about with me throwing up in my car yesterday? Doesn't that sound like a fun place to start? All weekend my stomach was bothering me and I was feeling super nauseous. By Monday morning I emailed the NP to see if I could stop taking Dostinex (possible culprit for stomach upset). She said fine. By a little later in the day I asked if I could stop Metformin and she said that was fine temporarily as well. 

So I headed off to work. I saw two little boys at the same daycare and struggled to get through the sessions. After, I headed off to a Head Start. I stood outside my car, willing myself to feel better and go inside. When I was mapping out the quickest way to the bathroom in my head I figured I should probably head home. Well, home was about 20 minutes away. On the drive I started to feel really awful, so grabbed for a bag and pulled over. Not fun. Cue me sitting on the couch the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. 

So work was a no-go yesterday. I'm hoping it goes better today. Especially since I have a long day paired with two evaluations at the end of the day with my boss and someone shadowing us. 

Last night we were sitting on the couch watching some mindless television when W's phone rang. He didn't answer it initially, but it rang again. It was his Dad calling to say his grandmother isn't doing very well. She has been in a nursing home for years and I guess has taken a turn for the worst. W is planning to go down to visit her this afternoon. 

Then my phone rang and it was my Mom. I made W answer it and he has a strange conversation. When he hung up I got the scoop: A family friend is pregnant again and considering adoption this time. The family is very close to mine. The grandparents of this soon-to-be baby were our neighbors growing up (Susie & Angelo) and good friends with my parents. Susie was present at my birth, taking glorious pictures of my head crowning. Susie & Angelo adopted Haylee and another child over 20 years ago. Haylee got pregnant and had a little boy about 17 months ago. The little boy lives with her parents and she isn't a very active participant in his life. A few months ago my mom brought up me adopting the little boy and the family seemed pretty upset. Well, I guess Susie called my mom yesterday to ask if W and I would be interested in adopting this baby. Haylee is due on February 15th with a little girl. My sister's due date is 5 days later.  

I called back my mom and talked to her for a bit. I said we would be interested, but it's not something I'm going to get my hopes up about yet. It doesn't sound like Haylee has made that decision yet. But, it's definitely interesting and somewhat exciting. 

In other interesting news, it looks like my period showed up this morning. It has only been 5 days since my retrieval so I'm going to email Dr. Br.averman to see what he has to say. It seems crazy to start back up already. I'm also a little bummed because I wanted to try the endometrial biopsy this cycle. We don't even know what ended up being frozen. They will be freezing our embryos today and tomorrow. 

So those are the updates! Throwing up in my car, W's grandma not doing well, a possible adoption??!!, and my period. How's that for variety?

IVF #4 CD 3- Yuck

A dahlia from my flower bed

Things are well underway with IVF #4. Tonight marks injection #3. The shots are going well. The dexamethasone isn't. It's making me feel like crap. My stomach is upset and I feel nauseous. If I don't do anything and just sit around I feel fine. I've also had some not so great side effects in the bathroom. Good times! I'm hoping my body will adjust soon and I'll feel better. 

Speaking on the dexamethasone, my clinic refused to call in the script. They said since it wasn't the normal dosage they prescribe (.75 mg instead of .25) that they didn't want to do it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but the NP is really being a pain. She was willing to call in Ganirelix which I have never used with them, but not a stronger dose of a med I have used with them. Oh well, I'm trying not to let them bother me. I was super agitated about it yesterday though. 

I'm feeling crazy moody and bitchy. It's been a while since I've been on meds and I'm hoping I will get used to it soon. Poor W has to put up with me! He's a trooper about it though. 

As far as what I'm feeling physically, at this point I'm just feeling cramps from my period. Not much action in the ovaries yet, but thats not surprising at all since it's so early. I won't get much of an idea as to what is going on until my first monitoring appointment Monday. 

This morning we stopped at an estate sale down the road. I got these really neat silver bowls with pretty colors on the inside and we got a pretty sweet bright yellow salad spinner. There were some side tables we debated for our bedroom but decided one was just too beat up. It was a beautiful house and made me kinda miss house hunting. I love looking at homes, especially ones located right on the lake. 

This afternoon we ran some errands and I felt horrible in the store. We made it home and rather than me helping W plant our new fall plantings I sat on the stairs and kept him company. I was good at instructing though.

Also, here is the progress with my quilt. I added a bit more after I took this pic, but it's a good sample. I think it looks pretty good so far. Don't mind the mess of a bookshelf in the background.

It's About Damn Time!

Aunt Flo decided to finally show up today. This cycle was 42 days. The first two weeks of this cycle I had hope. I felt positive about getting a shot at a natural pregnancy. I was relaxed.

On the 13th and 14th days of this cycle I had positive ovulation tests. For the next two weeks I hoped. I peed on things only to find a single line every time. 

Then AF didn't show up  two weeks after the positive tests. I went into my clinic for blood work and an ultrasound and was told I ovulated. I didn't ask when, but don't think they would have been able to tell me even if I had asked. 

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult. I have processed the pregnancy announcement from my sister all while waiting for my period to show up. I was depressed, confused, and most of all angry that my body once again failed me. 

42 days. I thought Metformin was supposed to help regulate cycles. No dice on that one. Is a pregnancy even possible with a cycle that long? I know I ovulated, but would the egg be any good if ovulated on day 28? I highly doubt it. 

This past week was tough. I am starting to get excited that I am going to be an aunt. It's just hard. We are so ready for it to be our turn. 

On a different note Aunt Flo showing up gives me a fresh start. It gives me some positivity back. It makes time pass a little more quickly. I'm not rushing time because I love summer, but I hate feeling like we are stuck in neutral. I need to be moving towards that whole mommy goal. 

Thank God For Dogs

When I got home this afternoon I heated up my lunch. It was gumbo and I left it in the glass pyrex dish and popped it in the microwave. As I was carrying it from the kitchen to the living room it slipped out of my hands. I guess I wasn't holding it well because it was so hot. It. splattered. everywhere! It really was unbelievable the mess it made. It even splattered on to the 10 foot ceiling. 

So I did what any pet owner would do. I called the two dogs in and encouraged them to clean up the mess. They did a great job and left little for me to clean up. I wiped down the couch and W had to later get a ladder to clean off the ceiling. The dogs and I were both grateful for each other. 

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Braver.man for July 31st. W and I will both take the day off from work and make the drive into NYC. I also have an appointment tomorrow with my clinic to see what's keeping AF away. I'm not rushing things and I'm trying to go with the flow and worry less. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little worried I have a cyst or something, but there's nothing I can do about it. 

Lesson of the day? Dogs clean up better than humans!

A New Start

Today is CD 1. I started my BCP's and it's only 3 more weeks of them. I hate this part of the IVF cycle, it's so drawn out and boring. That's why the antagonist protocol was much more appealing, but alas, I will be doing the LONG lupron again. 

Yesterday I started my supplements that I took last cycle. When my first IVF resulted in embryos that were all slow to divide and pretty crappy I did a little research on egg quality. I think it made a difference last time around so I will do it again. I am taking wheatgrass pills (5 in the morning and 5 at night) and royal jelly twice a day. 

I also started eating a paleo diet yesterday. After gorging myself on vacation and gaining weight consistently, I decided it was time to take action. I'm not happy with my weight and my self image is struggling. Failed cycles suck emotionally, but they get me the most when it comes to my self confidence. It's hard to have confidence in your body when it's not working how you want it to. 

The premiss of the paleo diet is pretty easy to grasp. Basically you eat like a caveman/woman. No dairy, wheat, or sugar. Easy to follow? A bit harder. Yesterday wasn't bad but I let myself get too hungry today and was out and about and had a hard time finding something to eat. I have to say I'm missing my carbs. We will see how it all pans out, but I'd love to stick with it for the month of April. I know that PCOS is carb and sugar related, so it would be interesting to see if it helps with that at all. I'm not holding my breath that it will change my PCOS, but I need to get proactive and could stand to lose some weight. It's nice because counting calories always makes me feel hungry. I never feel like I eat enough and it's hard work. This is going to be even harder work most likely. I found a great website which has tons of recipes so that is definitely helping. Lunch is going to be my biggest challenge since I eat while I drive. I think if I plan ahead I should be OK. 

Boo hoo to going back to work tomorrow. I'm not ready and am still in vacation mode. I have a feeling it's going to be a long week. 

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

Was it Just a Dream?

Being pregnant this time around doesn't even really feel like it happened. It was so short lived and not full of much excitement or joy. I asked W today if it ever even really happened. 

AF showed early this morning after a week of pretty bad lower back pain and cramping. This had started prior to stopping my meds but I brushed it off. I don't usually get back pain with my periods so this has been super unpleasant. Today wasn't the most fun. I broke out the heating pad and snuggled with that for a bit on the couch. Lots of heavy bleeding and clots paired with cramps and lower back pain...good times. I was surprised by how quickly AF showed though (3 days after stopping my meds). 

I have an appointment tomorrow for a repeat beta and they said if I had started bleeding they could also do an ultrasound. Love those dates with "wandy" while AF is visiting.  

The past few days have been ok. I was honestly more upset when my beta didn't double than I have been after finding out about the chemical pregnancy. Sure, another miscarriage sucks, but I guess I was prepared somewhat for that fate. 

We have had lots of good distractions and delicious eating. Friday night we went out to dinner and saw The Lorax in 3-D. I really liked it and had a great time. Saturday afternoon we went to the Syracuse basketball game and then to my in-laws for dinner. Today we just hung out mostly due to AF. I'm amazed at my ability to smile and laugh so soon after such as crappy few weeks.

Here are some of the delicious things I have enjoyed the past few days:

Sushi and wine

MMMM.. coffee. 

bagel with lox

Greek pasta salad. See those delicious hunks of feta?

It's On

Lesson of the day? I need to chill the f#$% out! On Monday when I went in for my appointment the NP told me I would get a period. As the next few days progressed and nothing showed I started to stress out. I was actually thinking and wishing that someone I spent time with would have their period so maybe it would rub off on me. I found out that my good friend C had hers yesterday as we drove together to a meeting for work. Yeah, that didn't seem to help. 

My hubby was happy he was getting lots of action in my hopes that it would help entice AF. When I woke up this morning and it still hadn't arrived I was really getting stressed about my appointment. The RN today told me my lining was so thin I would likely not get a period. Humph! Not to mention my blood pressure was 145 over something. Yeah, it's never been that high. I still don't get how my lining shrunk without any change, but oh well.

I was given the Ok to start stims tonight. 150 IU's of Gonal-F, 75 IU of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron. 3 shots of fun. Then this afternoon I started spotting so who the heck knows. 

I've realized why I will probably gain weight while doing IVF. I have been getting myself breakfast on my monitoring mornings. I've also decided that coffee is delicious again and have been drinking some here and there. I had completely cut it out for months and just now have been drinking it again. Oh well, it isn't going to kill me. 

Menopur isn't fun. It burns like I've heard everyone say. I think I will be a chemist by the time this is all over. 

We booked a vacation to Mexico tonight for the last week of March. I'm super excited but wish it was a little sooner. The week we wanted to go was no longer available, so oh well. It's going to be amazing. It's an adults only resort so it will be nice to not be subjected to tons of little kids. As if I don't do that to myself every day at work. At least they're cute!

I go back Monday morning to see how things are progressing. Until then I jab myself with needles and ride out the side effects. 

Christmas Festivities and a Fresh Start

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. We are lucky (and unlucky I guess) in that we get to celebrate three times, so next weekend the festivities will continue with my dad and sister (yay divorce). 

You can barely see Pepper (our other dog) in the right corner, he wasn't cooperating. This is the best shot we got using the timer on my camera. Merry Christmas from our furry family!

Last week we had my mom, step-dad and brother over for dinner to celebrate early. They go to Florida every Christmas to celebrate with my step-dad's mother, so they aren't ever around. It was really nice and relaxing. A few weeks ago I picked up my violin from my mom. I hadn't played in over 6 years but felt I needed a distraction during my 2ww. I have been practicing some and was able to play for my mom while she was over. That made her very happy. I played from second grade through my senior year in high school and was impressed by how easily I was able to pick it back up. We had a great dinner and exchanged gifts. My brother (almost 10) was literally kissing the Game Stop gift certificate we got him so you could say he liked it. 

Last Thursday we got the news that W's grandmother had a heart attack and passed away (3 days from Christmas). She lived to be 91 and was with it cognitively and lived independently up until the end. It happened really quickly so everyone is relived she didn't suffer. She was insanely generous in that she paid for her 7 grandchildren to go to college (Boston University, Yale, Columbia, Syracuse, Bates, Brown, and some art school in D.C.) She also gave us the center stone on my engagement ring which once belonged to her mother. Funeral services will be held on Friday and Saturday so we will be traveling to New Jersey for that. I think we will stop in Albany on the way for a night to stay with my sister and drop off our dogs and then stop on the way back through on Saturday and do Christmas Sunday with my dad and my sister. I hope she's ready to have 3 cats and 3 dogs at her house for a few days. Thanks K!

Due to the death in the family, Christmas Eve dinner was cancelled at the in-law's. We were invited instead to W's aunt and uncle's house and had a nice dinner. On Christmas day my in-law's came over for lunch and then we headed back to the aunt and uncle's for dinner again. I had a great time with W's cousin's boys (ages 5 and 8). D (the 5 year old) was too funny when he said "My most ticklish spot is my weiner." We all had a good laugh over that one. 

This is the painting W and I got each other for Christmas. We have two others by the same artist (who is local) and we really loved this one. It looks great on the wall.

Today's Appointment

I really need a cure for fertility clinic anxiety. The mix of Metformin, Estradiol and stress/anxiety is not working out so well for me. The estrogen leads to nausea which leads to Liz not eating a whole lot these days. The plus is that this also leads to my pants being a little looser, leaving a little extra room for our Thanksgiving feast. 

Any tips or hints to combat fertility clinic anxiety?

The clinic was empty today and I was the only person there. They had me undress from the waist down, gave me a real sheet to cover myself with, and I waited for Dr. S. He didn't take too long and immediately asked about the bleeding when he entered the room. I told him it's still going on and is heavy like a period. 

He then did the scan. My lining measured 6.5 and had a trilaminar stripe. He said this didn't correspond with me having a period. We talked about the dates I had spotting, how I had a positive OPK in October, and the plan for the future. He was confused that I was bleeding despite what my endometrium looked like. I never cease to have unexpected problems. 

We came up with a plan. The plan is for me to continue on the estradiol (vaginally rather than orally to help reduce nausea) and rescan on Monday. He sent me for blood work to measure progesterone, estrogen, and Vitamin D (per my request). If I am still bleeding or my lining has decreased on Monday we will cancel the cycle and look to do the FET with the Lupron protocol probably some time in January. If the bleeding has stopped and my lining is thicker, we will continue as planned and consider this bleeding "breakthrough bleeding" which apparently sometimes occurs on estrogen. I really don't know what the plan is if my lining stays the same, I guess that isn't very likely. 

So, my Monday will be spend at two different fertility clinics, getting two different ultrasounds. Doesn't that sound like a ton of fun? At least they aren't back-to-back. One appointment is at 8:30 and the other is at 2:00. Hopefully I can get some work done in between those times.

Until then I will be cooking, entertaining, black friday shopping (eek), spending time with family, relaxing, and trying to step away from thinking about this whole thing. I will instead focus on all the positive and great things I have going on in my life. I fully appreciate these things and am incredibly thankful. I got the sweetest card from a family of a little boy I work with today. It literally brought tears to my eyes (maybe hormones played a part) and made my day. A card like that beats any present any day. I hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving!!

Changes

Leave it to my body to make up its own mind about things. I can't expect everything to go according to plan, can I?

I woke up to the tiniest bit of spotting. By 9:15 I was bleeding. By 10:00 I was ready to confirm it was my period. By 10:30 I was on the phone with my RE asking him if he still wanted me to come to my appointment tomorrow. Yeah, I made a lot of trips to the bathroom today. 

He said that the bleeding wasn't likely anything to be too concerned about, but that it may change our plans. Yeah, it definitely will. 

I'm bummed that things are going to change. There is a slim to zero chance we will be doing our FET on December 5th. 

On the other hand, I'm glad AF finally showed. I've NEVER skipped my period before, although I've had some cycles in the 40 day range. Today is 48 days since my D&C and hysteroscopy. It is 15 days since my last progesterone pill, so it is hard to say what is going on. 

When I was planning on a December 5th transfer I didn't think it was going to work. I didn't understand why I would skip my period for the first time ever and then transfer embryos something like 60 days later and expect them to hang around. I just wanted to complete this cycle regardless of the outcome. To move on and move forward from the IVF cycle from hell. 

I started Lupron for my original round of IVF last January. I never made it to stims. In July I started stims but never made it to transfer. I am SO READY to complete this IVF cycle already.

The fact that I actually started my period gives me hope and makes me much more optimistic for the success of this FET.  

I still have my appointment at 9:00 tomorrow. I'm hoping we can come up with a new plan that doesn't put us back by much. We had been considering 11/11 CD 1, so today is only 11 days after that. I would really like to complete 1 IVF cycle in 2011. Is that asking too much?

Answers and a plan

Dr. S called on monday evening. He started to talk about protcols for the FET and I immediately interrupted him and said, "I think we might have a different problem." When I told him the spotting never turned into bleeding he wasn't really concerned. Here I was, stressing the f*&% out and he is all casual and says it's no biggie. He said with the D&C only being about 5 weeks prior he wouldn't have expected my lining to build up that much. He wanted to call my spotting on Friday as CD1 and start the frozen cycle.

He presented two option for the protcol. The first being estrogen only like I did previously. The other option involved suppressing me first with Lupron and then using the estrogen. He spent more time talking about the Lupron one. He told me when they discussed my case in conference that the Lupron seemed like the best idea. He then started to look at the calendar and count out the days only to find with the Lupron the transfer would fall the week after Christmas when there is a "skeleton crew" working.

I then asked if we could do the protocol without Lupron. He wasn't completely pleased at first but finally talked himself into it. By the end of the conversation he was in agreement that if we do the FET right now the estrogen protocol is the best one. He warned me that the fluid could return and that we could be in the same situation again, but I realize this can happen with or without Lupron.

So Monday night he called in oral estrogen to my pharmacy and I started. We chatted briefly yesterday and I received a call later in the day that I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 9:00. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for Dec 5th!!!!!

I'm losing it

No changes. I'm still waiting on AF to show. Okay, maybe there are some changes. My mental status has gone from slightly insane to entirely off the deep end. I'm more anxious and stressed than when I last posted. This probably isn't helping to make AF show. I'm stressed that I'm stressing too much. Ahhh...  get the idea yet?

I've been having cramping on and off and it feels like AF is going to start. My boobs still are unchanged and don't feel sore, but my skin is still breaking out. I've been short on patience and snapped a few times at the hubby. I'm confused, frustrated, anxious, and pissed. 

I went back and my blog entries about my previous experiences with Provera/Prometrium. The first time I took Provera and got AF while still on it. The second time I took Prometrium and got AF the day after stopping. This time we are 5 days later and it's not looking good. 

The worst part?? I got anxious on Friday and called my clinic. I was told Dr. S was in emergency surgery and was put through to a nurse so I left a message. I planned to ask at what point I should get concerned about not getting AF after taking the Prometrium and ask questions about my concerns. In the time I waited for a return call I used the bathroom and saw some spotting. The first and only spotting I have had.

 I was so overly excited to see any blood I assumed it was the start of my period. Usually my period starts that way and within a few hours it is full flow. The nurse called me back and I changed my plan and told her instead that it was CD 1. 

I then asked her which protcol Dr. S decided to use for my upcoming FET. She told me she couldn't reveal that information. She also couldn't tell me whether to start the estrogen or not and could only leave a message for Dr. S to call me Monday afternoon.  

I have another number for Dr.S so used it and planned to leave a message. To my surprise he answered the phone and I talked quickly to him. He wasn't able to tell me which protocol he decided since he didn't have my chart in front of him. So basically the conversation didn't go anywhere except that he was leaning towards using a Lupron protcol. He said he would call me on Monday afternoon and let me know.

The spotting didn't turn into bleeding and I haven't seen anything since. I'm going crazy. My anxiety is sky high and it's not helping anything. Today is CD 38, 5 days after my last Prometrium pill, and 1 day after I lied to my RE and said I was on CD 1. Oh man, everything feels so out of control right now!

I'm thinking seriously about an acupuncture or massage session tomorrow so I don't end up in the loony bin by next week.

Oh yeah, negative HPT today so definitely not pregnant. 

Aunt Flo is a no-show

I popped my last prometrium pill on Monday. So here I am, waiting very impatiently for her to make her grand appearance. I know sometimes it takes a few days, but I am anxious to get started. I guess I thought the positive OPK would mean my period would come 2 weeks later. Well, 2 weeks and 4 days later I'm still waiting. 

I don't feel totally like I'm going to get my period. My boobs aren't sore at all which usually happens. My skin is breaking out on my chin which is generally an AF sign. I took a HPT yesterday and it was definitely negative. 

The main reason I am anxious is because we don't even have a tentative date for transfer at this point. At my last RE appointment he left it up in the air which protocol we would be following, perhaps one involving Lupron which means MORE TIME. I don't want to take the Lupron and I want to be able to avoid Thanksgiving and do the transfer this month.

I left it with Dr.S that I would give him a call with AF shows. Hopefully she will soon and I can convince him that we should do the FET this month. 

Really?

Nothing else unidentifiable has appeared, so that is good.

I went to my GYN for my annual this week. When she asked if anything had changed, I gave her the full run-down. I barely made it through without starting to cry. This makes me wonder whether I've reached a point where I really should see a counselor. She was very nice and everything was super quick. I mentioned the tissue thing to her and she didn't seem to think anything of it. I was still spotting at that time.

On Friday I started bleeding, like a period. I'm still on birth control pills and haven't missed any. That afternoon I called my RE's office and left a message for him to call me back.

When he called, another 45 minute conversation ensued. He offered me another sonohysterogram prior to the hysteroscopy but I said no. He said it was possible that I passed the polyps, but it was certainly unusual and without a tissue specimen it was impossible to tell. He left it as he planned to keep me on BCP's but to call Monday afternoon to let him know if the bleeding had stopped. 

I was bleeding all weekend, so no, it didn't stop. I will call this afternoon and see what he has to say. It's not quite as heavy as a period, but definitely not just spotting. 

He also said that we won't be able to do the FET until I have a cycle after the polypectomy. This means at least 6 weeks until CD 1 for FET.

We rejoined the Y this week so I am hoping to do some running/jogging more consistently. Wish me luck!

Conversation with RE this afternoon and pre-op appointment on Wednesday. 

Seesaw

Up and down, up and down. Each day I feel like I am on one side or the other. Lately more down than up (yeah, I'm the fat kid), but this evening I headed back up. 

I called my RE this morning and left him a message. I knew he would call back this evening. What the nurse told me yesterday didn't sit well and I wanted it explained by my RE. I wanted to know the reason why what he told me immediately following the cancelled transfer had changed. 

He called as we were out walking the dogs. I missed the call at first and was able to call back and catch him. I explained how I was feeling and asked what happened. 

The biggest issue is that the ultrasound technician is out of town next week and he wants the ultrasound done again by the same person on the same machine. He ideally wanted to do the ultrasound a few days after I had stopped bleeding. He also said that he understands I "wanted to do the transfer yesterday." 

We talked for 35 minutes and reached an agreement. I will go in Friday and get scanned by the technician if she is able to squeeze me into her schedule. If not, he will do the scan (please no!) Either way, I will get scanned on Friday and hopefully will have some answers as to whether or not the fluid is gone. Dr. S is concerned if I am still bleeding that the blood could show up on the scan and confuse things. My period started Monday and is usually about 5 days. I am hoping for an afternoon appointment to better my chances of my period being gone. 

I am hoping that things look good. If so, I will be able to start the estrogen and do the FET this month.

Up and down, up and down. 

CD1

So AF decided to make her grand appearance today. I was super surprised since I stopped the progesterone yesterday. In my head I had given myself until Thursday and then I was going to get anxious.

I called the nurse (Becky) at the clinic and told her. I then asked about the estrogen and how things normally go for the FET (timing, meds, transfer, etc.) She said usually you start the estrogen on any of the first 3 days of your cycle. She will talk to Dr. S tomorrow about getting me started. It should be fine to start tomorrow. 

Becky said that at one point you get to 4 estrogen patches a day, yikes! I was like, where the heck do you stick all of those things? Apparently they are quite small and I won't look like a crazy nicotine addicted person trying to quit. I will also stay on the estrogen for a while, especially if I do get pregnant. 

Getting my period today was a fantastic surprise. It explained why I have been feeling so emotional lately and why I have been so teary. AF always symbolizes a fresh start and excitement about a new cycle.