Beta #2

This morning I went in early for my second beta and to repeat my immune panel. I had taken a test last night despite saying I was not going to test for a bit. The dark line that appeared quite quickly gave me  a lot more confidence than I had been feeling. Monday and Tuesday were spent being terrified about whether the number would double or not. 

I had to wait until almost 2:00 before today's number was posted on the portal. 

The news is amazing! My number jumped from 185.5 to 433.4. That equals a doubling time of 38.8 hours. I've never had a second beta number double, so this was really great news.

I'm debating trying to get an ultrasound locally next week rather than waiting until 6 weeks to do one at Br.averman's office. I'm not even sure if my old clinic would do one for me if I requested. 

Today we are able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. I'm so grateful and excited. We plan to use a gift certificate for a local fine dining restaurant this weekend to celebrate the great news. We've only been holding on to it for a year and a half, waiting for this moment to be able to use it. 

dazeychic Etsy Shop

Testing and Beta #1

I didn't update much this week due to being cautious. I kept track of how things were going, but decided not to hit publish until I was ready and feeling more confident. 

4dp5dt Wednesday morning. After getting up I decided to pull out a Wondfo test. I had a negative two days prior so knew the booster HCG shot was gone. I dipped it in my pee cup and hopped in the shower. W was already at work and he didn't know I was going to test. I told myself it was far to early to get a positive and prepared myself for a negative result. I was fine with a negative result because it was so early. I got out of the shower and glanced at the test. It looked negative. I started to get ready and then went back to the test. I thought I saw the faintest line ever. From that point on I would walk away from the test just to walk back and look at it. I held it up in different lighting and was starting to consistently see the faintest second line. I then wished that I hadn't dumped the pee so that I could dip another test just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. I looked at the test a few more times and then left for the morning. I had to pee later in the morning and decided to go home so I could take another look at the test. I still saw the faintest second line. I changed my day around a bit so I could have lunch with W when he came home. When he was home I told him we needed to talk. I told him I knew it was early but that I had tested early. I then asked him to come look at the test. He also saw the faint line. Could I really have a second line 4 days after my transfer? It was so early in the morning when I took the test and my transfer was done at 2PM. Technically I wasn't even a full 4 days past my transfer.  

5dp5dt Thursday morning. I dipped another stick and was super nervous to find out if the first one was just a fluke. The second line appeared a little more quickly and was slightly more obvious. It was still super light and could be considered a "squinter". When a blogger friend texted me to wish me good luck I couldn't resists and shared the news with her. 

6dp5dt Friday morning. I didn't use a test that morning.  I had gotten up at 5:30 to pee and knew my FMU was going to be crap. My blogger friend texted my again that morning and I told her I skipped so I wouldn't go crazy analyzing lines. That afternoon I couldn't resist any longer and peed again. The line was starting to get a bit darker and more noticeable.  

7dp5dt Saturday morning. I didn't use a test again and thought I would not test at all. We went over to our friend's house T&B and saw their little guy O who turned two weeks that day. We had lots of snuggling time with the baby, a delicious and spicy lunch, and we watched a college basketball game. At one point I went upstairs with T to be her "pumpany" and couldn't resist telling her when she asked how I was feeling. She teared up (post pregnancy hormones?), and then exclaimed that she had a test in the bathroom. She gave me a digital EPT test and I got nervous knowing that a digital needed a higher level of HCG to register positive. I looked it up online and found that the sensitivity was 50 and decided not to take it there, but to take the test with me when I left. When I got to my in-law's house about an hour later I couldn't resist any longer and peed on it. The digital readout of pregnant showed quite quickly. I immediately called W and showed him. We were both super excited. That night I used another Wondfo test and got an awesome line that was so much darker from the previous day. I was really seeing progression in the tests and getting super excited that this could actually be happening. 

8dp5dt Sunday. I used a Wondfo test and started to get concerned when the line was lighter. I figured it didn't matter that much from day to day and decided not to stress it. It was still positive and I convinced myself I was still pregnant. 

9dp5dt Monday morning (this morning) was Beta day. I used my FMU with a Wondfo test after not getting up all night to pee (we went to bed around midnight since we were up late for the Superbowl.) The line took a while to show up and definitely wasn't any darker. As it dried it looked on par with Saturday's test. W and I started to talk about another chemical and feel super bummed out. I couldn't help but worry that the number would be positive but not high enough. I had my blood test at 7:15 and just needed to wait to hear. My old clinic did the blood work and they have an online portal to check the numbers. I checked non-stop all morning and no results. I finally checked again around 1:45 to see the amazing results. My HCG level was 185.5 and my progesterone was >40!! 

I couldn't believe how great the HCG number was given the test I had taken that morning. I had worried and felt so nervous all day waiting to hear the results. I called W and told him the great news and then texted my yoga buddies to tell them the results. I'm so amazed at this number and feeling so positive. 

Dr. B.raverman called me around 2:15 and I took the call during a speech session. He told me I was "very pregnant" and that he was feeling really confident with my numbers. He told me he wanted me to have a repeat beta on Wednesday and also repeat the immune panel. He said all of our running around appeared to have been worth it and congratulated me. It was a really great conversation.  When I asked about a first ultrasound he said he would want to do one 4 weeks from retrieval. That is 2 weeks from today. He then said he wanted to do it himself and asked whether we were planning to come to LI for it. I admitted I hadn't gotten that far yet in my thinking. He told me to think about it. Once again he said congratulations and we hung up. 

I'm still feeling cautious and scared for the outcome of everything. I know a positive test or beta doesn't equal a take-home baby in 9 months. We've been here before. I so badly want this to be our little one, but know I need to take things one step at a time. The number is so much better than anything we have ever gotten at this point s it's hard to not get too excited at the same time. I guess I'll just walk the tightrope for now. 

Moving Forward

Estsy: MeganMatsuoka

Maybe it's because we invested so much more into this cycle, but this negative has been one of the hardest hits in a long time. W and I are definitely still really sad about it. There are times each day where I find my eyes welling up with tears thinking about it. We're taking care of ourselves and allowing ourselves to be sad. 

I have exchanged a bunch of emails with Dr. Br.averman since Friday. He generally responds quickly, but I can tell isn't comfortable answering all of my questions. I understand that. I really should sit down with him and pay him for his time. I just needed some immediate answers to feel better. 

When I asked what the biggest factors are in determining FET success he said, "I looked over your records. I think your treatment for the HLA issues is complete. We need to look at both embryo quality and other issues such as your uterine lining at the time of the transfer." When I explained to him that my lining was almost 9 mm a week before the transfer and that I've done both a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy recently, all signs pointed to our embryos.

His words: "I agree, most likely a quality issue." I don't find that hard to believe since we have transferred a lot of embryos without success. What frustrates me the most is that we don't have an answer to why our embryos aren't great quality. The last time I met with my local RE he told me my eggs look fine and the sperm is great. The first clinic we went to for only one IVF cycle told me the outer shell of my embryos was hard to penetrate. When we did ICSI on half and allowed the other half to fertilize naturally, only one fertilized naturally. They also triggered me too soon so I'm not sure if my eggs were immature and that was part of it. The clinic I currently go to where we have done three cycles is the one that told me my eggs look fine.

 Our embyros also get decent grades each time and we always have some left to freeze. They make it to day five and we've gotten really high graded embryos in the past. Those were the ones that resulted in chemical pregnancies. 

We've only ever had success with fresh transfers. I'm not sure if it's the lab, vitrification process, or our embyros that result in no implantation with frozen cycles. 

I know this is a bit of a moot point, but my HCG came back at 0.8. In the past with each negative HCG it measured <0.5. I've gotten that result at least five times between baseline appointments and negative cycles. I'm wondering if this slight elevation means a little something did happen. I wish I had tested earlier. Not that it matters though. When I test before the beta I wish I hadn't. When I don't test I wish I did. The grass is always greener. 

The morning after our negative result W hugged me as I cried and said I didn't think it would ever work for us. I thought it was time to move forward with adoption. We talked about how we knew we could love any baby but how it's hard to mourn the loss of our own. I wasn't sure how much more heartbreak I could take. We've talked about adoption a lot in the past. Originally we had talked about having two children and then adopting one. My mom, dad, brother, brother in law, and two of my cousins are all adopted. It's something we're totally comfortable with. 

I looked online and called around a bit on Friday and found a local-ish agency that happens to have an orientation this coming Tuesday night. W and I are planning to attend despite the drive. I've also signed up to receive registration packets from a few other agencies. It's incredibly overwhelming knowing which agency to pick so that's why I've requested information from a few. I think we will start moving forward with adoption. I'm looking forward to learning more on Tuesday night. For those who have adopted, how did you choose an agency?

When I first emailed Dr. B and discussed my frustration with the process he said, "You certainly have to try one more time with treatment to be sure that this won't work." Enter doubt. When we talked about it we realized we didn't give Dr. B a full chance. We used our own clinic and had him make the decisions. When we first met with him he told us that he can't control the lab or speak for the lab at our particular clinic. That may be part of the equation. I'm not putting everything on that but it's certainly something to think about. We went through the process of getting all of the blood work done with him and we found out some new information. From there, we've haven't given it much of a shot. It's just so hard to continue doing treatments with the stress of the costs and emotional tolls it all takes. I know we don't have to do another cycle just because Dr. B recommends it but I never want to look back and feel like we should have tried harder. 

When I called Dr. B's office last week to try to book a follow-up/WTF appointment I was told there's nothing available until the second week in January. I emailed him and told him this and he said he'll get me an appointment sooner. 

So, I'll wait to hear when I can follow-up with Dr. B. I have a list of questions started and we'll determine then whether we are going to do another cycle. There is no huge rush to use our frozen embryos, they're not going anywhere. We will attend the orientation on Tuesday and find out more about adoption. I may call and talk with the embryologist at our local clinic and try to find out more information regarding our embryos, my eggs, and W's swimmers. It will help to be armed with that information going into the appointment with Dr. B.  

We're still picking up the pieces and feeling really sad about this most recent cycle. We are taking time to mourn this loss and trying to determine whether we want to continue with treatments or not. Either way, I know we are going to be parents, and awesome parents at that. Our child (wherever he or she is) is so wanted.

Not Surprised

Today was my beta. I tested yesterday and it was negative so I wasn't surprised when I received the call. 

When I went in this morning I didn't share my negativity. The receptionist was so positive and wished me good luck. I smiled back. Then the nurse commented on my D.O.B and the fact that my birthday is tomorrow. She said that a positive would be such a great birthday present. I just agreed. 

When she called later she sounded so disappointed. I could tell by the tone when she said hello that she was dreading the call. I think she sounded more upset than me. 

I'm fine with the results. Sure a positive would have been amazing, but I'm not going to feel too bad about things. My birthday is tomorrow so I'm going to put it behind me and focus on the now. 

A Forced but Badly Needed Break

When I woke up this morning I felt awful. I was nauseous and had a headache. I had to be at my clinic early for beta #2.  

I started spotting in the morning and had pretty bad cramps last night, so I knew I wasn't going to see an increase in my levels. I waited almost all day before calling them. There were some severe storms in the area and I guess their system was down most of the day.

by 11:00 I was bleeding full force so when I first talked to the nurse I told her it was CD 1. She scheduled me an appointment for Thursday as a baseline so that I could start a FET and told me she would call me with the test results once they came in. 

My HCG level dropped to 14. That's only down 5.5 points in 5 days, WTF??!! I had also requested my TSH levels be checked again and they were fine. When she told me my HCG number she said I wasn't going to be able to do the FET this month. We need to wait until my levels go below 5 to be considered negative. I have a repeat beta scheduled for next Monday and my follow-up (WTF) appointment with my RE that Friday.

I'm not sure how I feel about a break. Part of me wants to just keep going, but I realize I probably need a break. We have done 4 transfers (2 fresh and 2 frozen) since December. I've been on some kind of hormone for over a year.... isn't that crazy?! I have either been cycling, trying to cycle and getting cancelled, or on BCP's. I don't even know what a unmedicated cycle would look like for me at this point. I guess there's only one way to find out.

IVF #3 Beta Results

I mentioned earlier my fear of another chemical pregnancy. I'm pretty sure my fear is becoming a reality. My beta HCG levels came back at 19.5 today. Yeah, that's less than half of what it was last chemical pregnancy at this point (43). I'm not alluding myself at all. I'll return on Tuesday (closed Monday for the holiday) and have my blood drawn again, but I may stop my meds before then. I bought some FRER tests and I'm going to watch the progression in the next few days. I used a FRER and a cheapy test this afternoon. On the cheapy test today the second line really wasn't any darker than it was 2 days ago. 

I did find out we have 2 frozen embryos and I booked a follow-up appointment with Dr. Greene for June 8th, so we have a backup plan for now. Honestly though, I don't think FET's work for me. It's just part of the contract we are in that we have to use them before moving on to another fresh cycle. 

Speaking of fresh cycles, we only have one more paid for. I feel like we need to change something. What we are doing does not seem to be working.

I'm going to ask about PGD. I know it's expensive, but so are repeated rounds of IVF. I feel like it was stupid to expect a different result with the same (more or less) protocol for IVF #2 and #3. 

I wish I had better news to share today and I hate the disappointment of another (likely) failed IVF cycle. This process is starting to become really disheartening. 

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

Back Up and Ready for More Punches

Remember those punching bag inflatable things from when you were a kid? The bottom was filled with sand and the rest with air. I remember getting one for Easter one year. I think it was a bunny and I remember feeling bad hitting it too hard. I'm sure you can figure where I'm going with this. That punching bag that quickly pops back up? Yeah, that's what I feel like.

I've recently taken some harder hits than I threw as a kid. But, I'm back up and ready for some more abuse. I'm just hoping I don't pop anytime soon.

Today was an insanely long day. My appointment was at 7:30 and after I had to drop off paperwork at my boss' house. From there I saw 8 kids for therapy. There was a meeting thrown in there as well and a cancellation I wasn't informed of, so I still drove all the way to the daycare. I came home and took a nice nap on the couch.

My appointment was fine today. They drew blood and checked all of my levels: progesterone (0.6), estrogen (<20), LH (.47), TSH (2.45) FSH (4.1), and HCG (4.1). I asked about polyps and that being a possible factor in a chemical pregnancy. The NP said she didn't see any on ultrasound. I then informed her that I had them in the past and that they were only visible with the hysterosonogram. She asked if that was something I was interested in repeating and I said it was. 

I was given the all clear to start estrogen today since my HCG level was low enough. I am supposed to take it 3x's/day. With my last frozen transfer I took it once a day and remember it made me pretty nauseous. I hope it is better this time around. I also start back up on baby aspirin and dexamethasone. It was a nice 4 days off. 

I have another appointment this Thursday to recheck my HCG levels and to do the hysterosonogram. I am hoping I don't have any polyps, but I need to do this for my own peace of mind. I have another appointment for the following Wednesday where they will check my lining and I will do intralipids. It is an IV and takes about an hour and a half. W is requesting the afternoon off from work so he can be there to keep me company. From there, as long as everything looks good we can schedule the transfer. The NP today a possible day could be the 19th. Looks like I will be spending some of my 2WW in Mexico. Yes please!

Not Good

Today was my first ultrasound. From the title of this post, I'm sure you can tell it didn't go well. I was shaking like crazy and my pulse was super high. They first drew blood and then we started the ultrasound. W was there, holding my hand watching along with me. 

 I knew what we were looking for. After a few seconds, the technician turned the screen more towards herself. She looked and looked, and didn't find anything. There was a small spot that she said could be a gestational sac, but it was really small. We talked about dates, and then she agreed there should at least be a larger gestational sac as well as a fetal pole. None of those things were present. 

She said she couldn't say for sure what was going on and that we had to wait for my HCG results. If my levels continued to rise I would have to return for another scan. There was still a chance for an ectopic pregnancy as well. 

 We talked about whether I had frozen embryos and agreed that things weren't looking good based on the fact that I was supposed to be 6w1d. 

W's face dropped and as he walked out he looked so sad. I felt awful. We sat in the car and said nothing for a while. It definitely wasn't the way we wanted things to go today. 

We went out for breakfast and talked about everything. I had a call from the clinic while we were there and I listened to the voicemail. On the message she said my HCG levels had dropped and for me to call her back. I was honestly glad we weren't going to be stuck in more beta hell and have to repeat the ultrasound. 

I called back and talked to the NP. She said my HCG levels had dropped to 16.8 and to stop all of my meds. She said I should get a period within 1-2 weeks, but perhaps sooner. I have to go back monday to get my HCG levels checked again. I asked about a RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) panel, but since this pregnancy is considered chemical, she didn't think insurance would cover the cost. She welcomed me to call the financial advisor to find out. She then said we could treat the next cycle as if I do have RPL issues. We will use Lovenox and probably add IV intralipids. Apparently these help to suppress the immune system. 

We then talked about a FET. I guess I can go ahead the next cycle, but with our vacation (last week of March), I'm not sure how the timing will work out. She said once I get my period and my HCG is negative, I could start estrogen. 

 I can't say I'm extremely surprised. When my initial levels were low and didn't double Dr. Google did not give me promising news. Apparently only about 15% of pregnancies that don't double in a timely fashion turn out OK. Big surprise I fall into the 85%. 

Bring on the hot baths, wine, and sushi. 

Beta #3

Beta #3 is in and it's good news. I am so relieved and couldn't be happier. My beta went from 63 on Friday to 175 today. That is a doubling time of 48 hours!! 

I feel badly for being so pessimistic about things. I know we aren't even remotely in the clear, but I'm able to breathe a sigh of relief at least for today. 

I slept horribly last night and had awful dreams. I was running away and hiding. I was too scared to POAS like I had originally planned so had no idea going into my beta this morning.

So for today I am hopeful and positive about this pregnancy. When we first got the positive W and I were arguing about whether it was "round" or "pointy" that decided to stick around. When the number didn't rise by much I sided with him and said it was "pointy".  I think we are both in agreement that it is "pointy" now. W even went so far as to say he hit puberty late and didn't start his career until he was 30. That was him trying to be positive over the weekend. 

Thanks so much for the amazing support lately. I think without your positivity I would have been a complete mess. Sorry "pointy" for counting you out so early when you were just a late bloomer like your daddy. 

IVF #2 Beta Results #2

It's not looking good. Although the number increased today, it didn't by much. I feel like my clinic is trying to stay positive, but I'm having a hard time feeling the same way. I've shed my share of tears today and I am so disappointed. I was really hoping for a good increase. 

It went from 43 on Wednesday to 63 today. That's a doubling time of 87 hours. Not good. 

I am supposed to continue my meds and go back Monday for another blood draw. Right now I'm looking for some good distractions this weekend. 

I'm so disappointed : (

IVF #2 Beta Results

This morning was not the easiest. They told me at the clinic I might hear around 10:30, but if I hadn't heard by 12 to call them. I didn't really feel like initiating a bad conversation so I waited until around 12:30 for the call. They have a website where I can get lab results, so I checked it constantly from 11:15. Around 12:25 I checked and the numbers where there. Hands shaking, I clicked. HCG was 43. My immediate thought was that's not very high. 

About a minute later the phone rang and it was them. She told me that any number over 25 was fine and that this number wasn't too low. She said congratulations. W rang in while I was on the phone with them so I called him right back. He was so thrilled it was ridiculous. He answered with his usual, "hey baby" and I responded with "hey baby daddy". He was like, what?!...  really?!... OMG!! 

I really wish the number was higher, but I'm going to go be positive and believe them that anything over 25 is where it should be. I go back Friday for repeat blood work and am hoping for a nice rise. Of course I went out and bought more tests and came home and peed on a FRER. There's a second line, but not the darkest. It's not squinter, but it's definitely not as dark as the control. 

Thanks so much for all of the amazing support and comments I received today. Of course I had to find something new to worry about : )

Maybe it's my fear talking, but we are excited. We are happy. We are pregnant!

IVF #2 Beta Day

My blood has been drawn and now all I can do is wait. I'm a complete nervous wreck, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. I didn't pee on anything so I feel about 50/50 on things. I know today has the potential to be amazing or awful, and unfortunately, nothing in between. I really hope we get good news.

As I was sitting in the waiting room I received this text from W: "I'm so proud of you for the strength and perserverance you have shown in this process. No matter what happens today I am so lucky and happy to be with you." It took everything I had to not start crying in the waiting room. I let the tears stream down my cheeks as I drove off.

Please send your positive vibes, prayers, and anything else you have my way today.

Oh, and I'm pretty ecstatic to have reached 100 followers, thank you so much everybody!

Now to get through the next few hours...

If you can't make 'em, eat 'em

Welcome if you are visiting from ICLW. Thanks for stopping by! To catch you up to speed, I am Liz. I am 28 and live in NY. I have been seeing my RE for 16 months and have PCOS and one tube. During this time I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries, 2 D&C's (one for a miscarriage and one for polyps), 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. If you want a more detailed history, feel free to read more. 

This may seem like a strange title for a post, but it stems from a joke I made during dinner tonight. W and I went out for a nice dinner and he ordered the osso bucco. Forever he had a thing against eating veal (which I completely understand but don't abide by). As he took his first bite he said, "I just remembered what osso bucco is... veal." So my reply was, "If you can't make 'em, eat 'em." We both had a good laugh and continued to joke about delicious baby legs.  

I got the phone call today to confirm what I already knew. To be honest, I stopped all my meds after I got another BFN on a pregnancy test on Monday morning. It was a FRER test which I know picks up HCG levels below 10. I knew if the number was going to be that low it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy anyway. Well, big surprise my beta HCG number was zero. And the nurse I don't like called to give me the news. She didn't say anything other than that it was negative. 

To get it off my chest, the things the nurse did the day of the transfer the upset me were: 

1) She called me by the wrong name and had paperwork for me to sign with the wrong name on it. No, my name is not Tracy. Good thing I caught that one and corrected her. 

2) Saying to us about 20 minutes prior to the transfer "Everything is going wrong this morning" W looked right at her and said, "Don't say that." 

3) Referring to my embryos as "eggs." I had her double check we were transferring the right ones after the name mix-up. Even the embryologist called her out on that one. 

4) Completely losing her shit in the transfer room when the embryologist tried to hand the catheter with my embryos to her through the "window". The nurse starting yelling at the embryologist and said she was no longer sterile. Dr. S practically yelled at her and told her he had it. I just tried to close my eyes and relax. 

5) Rushing everything. Rushing me to go into the transfer room when they weren't even ready, and then trying to rush me to get up and go to the bathroom after. No, I didn't want to get up for 30 minutes, but after about 10 she was trying. 

I tried not to think of all these things that she did that day. I don't think it changed the outcome or anything, but it changed my opinion of her and the clinic for hiring her. I don't think she conducts herself in a professional manner and I'm definitely looking in a new direction for my next cycle. 

The nurse is honestly reason #2 to switch clinics. Reason #1 is financial. The clinic I currently go to charges about $6000/IVF cycle. To be honest, I haven't gotten the final bill and am not sure how much the assisted hatching cost. So probably, it will end up costing more than that. The other clinic with Dr. Gere (aka Dr. K) has package deals. I am looking now at one that includes 3 cycles for $7500. If it works the first time, great. If not, I know I will have 2 more tries and not feel so stressed about the money. 

I'm doing ok with the negative. I know Christmas isn't going to be easy, but I'm managing to put a smile on my face and continue on. Having a new plan in place is going to give me a positive direction to look in. I plan to call Dr. Gere's office tomorrow and ask my list of questions. I'm hoping to be able to start BCP's for another IVF cycle as soon as AF shows. Open the flood gates already, I'm ready to get this show on the road.

I really think a big part of IVF is a numbers game. If I'm going to gamble, I'd rather gamble in an efficient casino. 

IVF #1 CD 25, Putting myself back together

I haven't posted on my blog in over a week. I needed to step away and pull myself together before I could write again. The disappointment of the way things turned out was overwhelming and it's taken me some time to get myself back into an OK place. I haven't been great about commenting on blogs, and I haven't had much to say on my own blog. It was so hard to feel like I did everything in my power for success and just ended up with some really bad luck. 

My thoughts have been all over the place since last Friday. I got up early last Monday in order to get my HCG and progesterone levels checked again. My HCG was 11 so it was definitely going down and the fluid is still unexplained. On the plus side my progesterone was over 100 which means the PIO worked well for me. My RE thinks the fluid was likely a reaction from my endometrium to the meds, but isn't sure why it happened. He said the drugs don't only stimulate your ovaries but they also stimulate your fallopian tubes and uterus. My lining was at 14 a few days before the transfer which is the thickest I have known it to be outside of when I was pregnant.  I can't tell you how scared I am for my next period.

By that afternoon I called my RE. We spoke on the phone for an hour and I discussed with him my future options and concerns. W and I had been thinking about just skipping the FET and doing another fresh IVF cycle, as were concerned mainly about the financial aspects. After talking to my RE I found out the FET will only be the cost of the meds which are pretty cheap. I paid for an IVF cycle and the cost includes a transfer, so there will be no additional cost for the FET. Even if we had to pay, our clinic only charges $500 for a FET. 

In a sense doing the FET will allow me to feel like we completed the cycle and didn't waste the money. It will give me closure and make me feel like we gave our embryos the best chance for success. I imagine a future where I tell my child that he/she was frozen in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen.  

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this FET working, even though I would love it to. I know the success rates for frozen transfers are lower and my embryos were slow to develop all along. In addition, they were frozen on day 3. Going into the IVF cycle I had been optimistic and the real thought of getting pregnant existed. Once again I feel really far away from being pregnant. 

When I talked with my RE I asked him some questions. He did say that the fact that only one egg fertilized naturally and divided was definitely significant. I've come to accept the fact that infertility for me isn't going to be a day trip, it is a journey around the world. I thought and hoped that Clomid would work for me or that IUI's would be successful. I thought I would get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage, or that I would get pregnant with twins on my first round of IVF. In reality I thought it would all be much easier than it has been. I know I will come out on the other side of all of this a stronger and more grateful person, but the journey has been much bumpier than I ever imagined. 

Dave and all the ladies

My sister's wedding was this weekend, and to be honest, I was glad to not be PUPO. I had to give a speech and was super nervous about that. I was able to stress without more stress (if that makes any sense) and was able to drink, hang out late and really enjoy myself. We were up until 3 last night and I had such a fantastic time. My speech went well and I got some good laughs. My sister looked beautiful and they were so happy together. Listening to the ceremony and the vows definitely made me tear up and think about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other. 

beautiful bride

As we drove home W and I talked about how I thought I was going to be super pregnant at Kate's wedding. The fact that the EDD for my miscarriage is coming up and I don't feel any closer to being pregnant is upsetting. 

My speech (I don't look as nervous as I felt)

Kate and I after the wedding. We look SO much alike in this photo

My RE kept me on progesterone support in hopes that I will shed everything with my next period (including whatever was in my uterus prior to transfer). He switched me from PIO to Prometrium and I took the last pill this morning. I am now waiting for my next period and will have another ultrasound once I stop bleeding. The FET is potentially only a few weeks away so I am excited about that. Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize for not being a better blogger. 

IVF #1 CD 16 (cancelled transfer)

Today absolutely sucked. I don't understand why my body won't cooperate and things always go wrong. I am so incredibly bummed and spent much of the afternoon crying/napping in bed. I had to keep myself together for hours since I was with my MIL, so literally the second I walked in the door I started bawling. 

We arrived on time for the transfer and although my RE was a little late, he got there and we were able to look at the embryos and make a decision as to how many/which ones we were going to transfer. We picked the best 3 (one was 6 cells, and 2 were 4 celled and all were rated 4/5.) I had taken my Valium and was plenty relaxed. 

We got into the transfer room and they got me all gowned up and covered in sterile sheets. They then called the ultrasound technician to come in. She got the abdominal probe ready and puts it over my abdomen. Immediately she says, "What that?" She and my RE decided they need a better look with the vaginal probe and my RE puts it in. Like I said before, he is NOT gentle with it. He zooms in and they all agree it looks like an early gestational sac. They then called the other RE from the practice, the embryologist, and another nurse into the room. They were all amazed by what they saw and decided I need to take a pregnancy urine test and go upstairs to the higher resolution ultrasound machine to get a better picture/idea as to what was going on. 

The urine test is negative. 

The ultrasound reveals 3 areas of fluid in my uterus and they draw my blood for another pregnancy test. The ultrasound technician is able to get a measurement on the one round spot in my uterus and it measures ~4w4d. 

I talk to my RE again and he says he will get the results of the blood pregnancy test and that I should come back in 2 hours so we can talk about it. My MIL and I went and got lunch and returned a little after 3. They made the decision to freeze all embryos since there wasn't a great chance for success with something in my uterus of unknown origin. 

The HCG results were 43. This is likely residual from the trigger, especially since it would be impossible to see an early gestational sac with such a low HCG level. My RE said he will treat it for the weekend as if it were a pregnancy, but it is highly unlikely. I am supposed to continue the progesterone and return Monday for another HCG. Regardless, this number is far too low for what it should be if I were pregnant. 

All in all, we froze the embryos and he wants to keep me on progesterone (probably pill form after Monday's results) in order to be sure I have a good bleed after and get rid of everything in my uterus. We will plan to do a FET next cycle. 

I can't believe I didn't even get to the transfer. I am SO disappointed in my body and am starting to wonder whether this is ever going to happen for us. My RE said I have not followed any of the textbooks and he will take my case to a panel of doctors next week to discuss it.

Today seriously sucked and I am so bummed. I know that freezing and not transferring was the best decision and none of the other doctors consulted said they had ever seen this happen. There wasn't any fluid there Sunday. I just wish my body wouldn't repeatedly fail me. 

Vacation

So we are home and it's Sunday night which means I have to go back to work tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but the end of vacation is always a bummer.

We had a great trip full of lots of sunning, swimming, reading, drinking, eating, relaxing, and enjoying each other. Our room was great and the weather was fantastic. The food and drinks were both consistently great and I had my first bahama mamma (it was absolutely delicious!)

The resort was about an hour and a half away from the airport in Santo Domingo and we had a shuttle arranged. It was interesting to see more of the country and it didn't seem overwhelmingly poor. Unlike Costa Rica there wasn't much wealth either. The biggest thing I noticed was that the street and sides of the streets were covered in garbage. One of the coolest things was that the red lights had a timer to let you know how much time you had left. It seemed like red lights were optional and the driver of our van was very "horny" in that he tapped the horn quite often.

The resort was pretty far back from the road and was very nicely manicured. The beach area was a bit small, but had chairs to sit in. There were a lot of topless women on the beach (not me), and my hubby and I would give out our own award to the best set seen. The waiters even came to the beach to get drink orders and I drank a good amount of frozen alcoholic beverages.

The last day I called MSED (maximum sun exposure day) and am peeling as a result. I got a little burned here and there, but nothing too bad by the last day.

Here are some pictures from the trip:

In other news I started my Metformin last night. I haven't had any extreme side effects, just minor disturbances. I am hoping it stays this way. I had a pretty bad headache all day but so did W, so I'm thinking it was more out of withdrawal from beverages.

Of course I couldn't complete ignore the issue of our trying to start a family on the trip. We had some conversations (less than usual) and I brought ovulation prediction tests with me (of course). I wasn't counting on ovulating this month, but was given the green light to try if I did. I am so confused and frustrated by the test strips since it looks like I got a positive, but in reality I don't think it was. The test strip is darker, but only a portion of the line. When I looked online it said it had to be 50% or more of the line to be positive, so I don't think it counts. What do you think? I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as a positive.

The thing is, even when this test appeared positive, I didn't feel like I was ovulating. I did have some increase in CM the week before but hadn't bought the OPK by then. I really don't think I stood much of a chance ovulating this month, but I may ask my RE to run progesterone levels in order to see since I have to get blood work anyway. 

I am supposed to call me RE this Thursday to tell him whether or not I have gotten my period. It's not that I don't think I would get it if I just waited, but I'm not feeling particularly patient these days. If I haven't gotten it by Thursday (4 weeks post D&C) then he will prescribe Provera to induce it. I don't feel like my period is close as all, but if I did ovulate then I would want to know for sure whether I was pregnant or not before taking it. I'm not feeling like this is very likely, but you never know, right?

 Any experiences with Provera? I've never taken it before. I will probably schedule an appointment for this week to talk about Clomid and I still have to go back for more blood work to check HCG levels and testosterone levels. Ahh, back to reality!

RE appointment 3/11

Today was my follow-up appointment for my D&C and laparoscopy with my RE. I was annoyed because they hadn't gotten my blood work results from the lab, but they were able to call over and get them faxed. The downside was that the insulin levels weren't included. They had the glucose and HCG levels, but no insulin results. My HCG was 10 on Wednesday and my fasting glucose levels were well in the average range (83). My RE checked the incision and everything is healing well. I find it pretty funny I didn't think anything of it or flinch when he moved my underwear down to check the smaller incisions. 

We talked about a timeframe and I am supposed to call the clinic on March 24th (4 weeks post D&C) and tell whether or not I have gotten a period. At first he talked about waiting 6-8 weeks after surgery to see if I got a period, but he changed his tune. If I haven't gotten my period in another 2 weeks he will put me on Provera to induce it. I am hoping it comes before then so that I won't have to use anything, but who knows. He first talked about Clomid alone and using OPK's to monitor, but as soon as I asked about IUI's, he was totally willing and said it wasn't a bad idea. Often times, Clomid changes your cervical mucus, so the IUI would bypass that problem. 

I reminded him of the meds I have from our IVF cycle that never happened, and he then said that we could try two months of Clomid with IUI's and then move on to injectables if we don't get a great response. He reiterated that OHSS is not something I want and is very dangerous. Women with PCOS are very prone to it and that risk would be increased with injectables. I guess you can even get it with Clomid, but it is rare. 

He then wrote me a script for Metformin. I don't have to green light to start taking it until he gets the insulin levels, and he doubted I would demonstrate insulin resistance. I also don't want to start taking it before going on vacation. I signed a waver about using the drug "off label" and will start when we get back. I am supposed to call the clinic when I get back to be sure.  

The pro's of this visit/good news:  

If I were to ovulate this month we can try and don't have to use birth control. I'm not really counting on it, but good to know.  

The full pathology report from the tumor/cyst was fine. Although what I had was rare, it was completely benign. 

Even with one tube it is possible to ovulate from the other ovary and get pregnant. Something about          transmigration (he explained it and I understood, but I can't repeat it). My RE treated a woman who had one ovary on one side and one tube on the other and was able to get pregnant. 

We will do an IUI the first cycle and don't have to just try Clomid. My insurance covers IUI's which is great. Also, we will do 2 IUI's per cycle.

We won't be looking at the same "game plan" as previously and could move on to injectables after 2 months of trying Clomid. 

My RE is as confident as I have seen him about me getting pregnant. He seems to think we will be successful quickly, but never gives percentages or absolutes. 

The cons/bad news:

I will be going on Metformin and am terrified of the side effects and how it will affect me. 

More blood work: HCG repeat (until it is below 5), testosterone, and DHEAS levels. 

IVF is still a possibility in the future. 

Time is dragging

Maybe it is the fact that were are leaving for vacation in a few days, or that fact that our next cycle trying seems so far off, but it just feels like time is going by slowly lately.

We have our next appointment with the RE tomorrow and I am SO nervous. It must be because every time I go there, I seem to get more bad news. I think about my last appointment there, when I found out I had miscarried and had to make decisions about what I wanted to do. It always makes me nervous to go, and I am worried about my blood work results. I never have high blood pressure except when I am at my RE's office.

I went for more blood work on Wednesday morning to check my HCG and fasting insulin and glucose levels. I am so nervous about the results of the insulin and glucose. I did take a pregnancy test this afternoon (2 weeks post D & C) and it was negative! I will be curious to find out what the actual level is tomorrow. When I took a pregnancy test a week ago and it was still positive, it was like a @*$% you, but this week I was a little sad to just see one line. There is no telling when I will see two lines again.

I am planning to go to my appointment armed with questions and a plan. I don't want to do the 3 month (just Clomid), 3 month (Clomid and IUI's), 3 month plan (injectables and IUI's) my RE had suggested. I want to be more aggressive and optimize our chances of getting pregnant. My worst case scenario is that we are looking at IVF 9 months from now (exactly 1 year after our first planned IVF). I don't want to wait forever to end up in the same spot we were this past January. When I read about other people's IUI cycles, they never seem all that successful. Only having one good tube makes me even more nervous about failure since our chances will be reduced.

In other news, we are leaving for the Dominican Republic on Sunday. It is daylight savings and our flight is supposed to leave at 6 AM. This will make is feel more like 5 AM. It is going to be so nice to get away and enjoy some sunshine and warm weather. It will also be great to focus on our relationship and each other without the usual distractions of life.

We had a couple over for dinner on Saturday night. The girl is my co-worker and just entered her third trimester. We have been walking for a few months together at the gym and I really like her. We asked them to bring a salad and as we sat down to eat I looked at her and said, "What kind of soft cheese is in the salad?" She proceeded to tell me it was feta and that she doesn't "always follow all the rules." It's hard to hear this from someone who is so far along is her pregnancy without a hitch. I am forever kicking myself for not following all the rules completely. This whole infertility thing takes the fun out of everything. I have to admit though, I have been loving eating soft cheeses, drinking coffee, eating sushi, and drinking wine. Better live it up while I can. I plan to eat seafood every day on my vacation, perhaps more than once a day!

A little disappointed

So I took another HPT this afternoon (1 week post D&C) hoping it would be negative. I got so excited when a second line didn't appear right away, but within a few minutes it was there. When I took tests previously, the second line appeared almost immediately. The line isn't as dark as other times, but it's still there. It is a weird feeling to wish for a negative test, but I know as long as I still have the HCG in my body, it will take longer for my period to return. Here is a pic of the tests I have taken (the dates are on there). What do you think?

I called my RE's office yesterday and left a message with the nurse asking about the fasting glucose script. She called me back this morning and was surprised my RE wanted that done because he had done my glucose levels previously. I guess I never did fasting ones before. When I talked to her I also asked about HCG levels and getting them tested again. When I went for my pre-op appointment on Monday Feb 21, my levels had risen, but were still low. I really am not sure whether I ovulated when I started taking the Lupron (January 5) or before. I can't figure it out and it doesn't much matter. Either way, my HCG was 4457 10 days ago.

Here are the levels by date:
January 21, 2051
February 8, 3972
Feb 21, 4457

The nurse just returned my call after talking to my RE and said he wants me to do a fasting glucose test. I don't have to do the challenge, just get a fasting level and then he can figure out the difference or something like that. He also wanted me to wait at least a week before getting my HCG levels tested again, and today is exactly 1 week since the procedure. I asked her how long it usually takes to go back down and she said it really depends on the person. Usually, after a D&C is goes down pretty quickly.

I don't really have any pregnancy symptoms anymore, and had lost many of them even before finding out about the miscarriage (only when I look back do I realize this). My hubby looked at me this morning and was like, "Wow, your nipples look so small." I have to admit, I am feeling pretty much back to normal. I was amazed to realize I didn't have to stop to use the bathroom AT ALL during the day today and I drank tea this morning and a decent amount of water. I am glad to not be getting up in the middle of the night to go anymore, and that was incredibly frustrating after I found out the pregnancy was no longer viable.

When I think about it, I think I will probably wait until next Wednesday to do the blood work since that will give the lab enough time to get it to my RE for my appointment, but also allow my HCG levels to come down some more (hopefully). I wish there was something I could do to make them drop!

In other news since I finally uploaded some photos, here are pics of our new bed and the bathroom before (I did take some stuff down before taking the pics, but you can tell how small it is).

Notice our fertility symbol Kokopelli on the wall? I'll take all the help I can get!

The bed is so big it's hard to get all in one frame, but the cat had to be in there! We love having the king size, and I think the cat hogs the most space. 

Here is our downstairs half (closet sized) bathroom. We don't typically keep all of that medicine on that sink, but I took the medicine cabinet down and put them there temporarily. My DH didn't think to move them before taking a picture (oh, the minds of men!) I would love to do something with the sink, but think it will be hard to find a corner sink... nothing else would fit. 

The spots that look strange had the medicine cabinet and another strip of wood with hooks and shelves. I took them down in a craze before I realized it would be good to take pics first. The border had frogs on it, and the color really isn't all that bad in the pictures. It seems brighter in person.