Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

5DP5DT and Hanging in There

I haven't updated since the morning of my transfer. The transfer itself went fine. Dr. K (aka Dr. Gere) did it this time rather than Dr. Greene. Dr. K is my actual doctor, but this was only the second time I've seen him in this process. He didn't really want to tell me the grades of the embryos when I asked and gave me a speech (about 2 feet away from my face) about how it doesn't really matter. He is a very touchy-feely, oozing with positivity kind of guy. He said how he has seen both good and bad embryos turn out to be perfectly healthy babies. All of the embryos we chose to thaw survived so we transfered them. 

Dr. K just went about his business and didn't really explain the process as he was doing it. He didn't tell me when he was going to put the embryos in and I noticed more cramping this time. It could have been the lack of knowing what was going on, or the technique, but it was pretty minor cramping. He wished us luck and left the room. 

I went to acupuncture after and took a nice nap. I followed up two days later with another session to "help with implantation." 

The first few days I made the joke that I didn't have a uterus, that way I wouldn't be able to tell what was going on. I didn't over think it much and continued on. After my post about symptoms being B.S I kept repeating that to myself. At this point I'm pretty close to insane. 

Tomorrow morning bright and early we leave for vacation. I am so excited to get out of town and relax for 6 days. I'm also excited for a week off from work. I will be bringing some HPT's with me since the waiting last time almost killed me. The anticipation and anxiety just weren't worth it. And, this time I will have my beta 2 days later since I am out of town. I won't be posting over vacation so I guess I will just leave you in suspense for the next week. 

If it works, that will be awesome and amazing. I'm not holding my breath since the embryos really didn't look as good as last time. They were much more bloby and I'm sure they weren't as high of a grade. I know the grade doesn't mean everything, but they were also frozen. I'm trying to convince myself that if they made it to day 5 and then survived freezing and thawing, they must be somewhat strong. 

If this is a bust we have 2 more fresh IVF cycles already paid for. I'm hoping we don't have to do that, but at this point it's not as overwhelming and intimidating. I have almost all of the meds necessary and know mostly what to expect. 

Wish me luck. If not, I will drink some delicious frozen beverages, I promise. 

Why Symptoms are a Bunch of Bull

I haven't even started my 2WW, yet I could be convinced I was pregnant if I didn't otherwise know. After my last two transfers I was on symptoms watch during this period. What have I learned by doing this? That you can have all of the classic early pregnancy symptoms and not be pregnant. In fact, I think I had more "symptoms" the cycle I didn't get implantation than the one I did. And currently, I have a ton of "symptoms" despite having zero chance of being pregnant. 

Let's recap:

Transfer #1 (T1)- frozen transfer of 4 day 3 embryos. I didn't get implantation.

Transfer #2 (T2)- fresh transfer of 2 day 5 embryos. I had implantation that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. 

Currently (C)- Awaiting a transfer on Monday of day 5/6 embryos (not sure how many yet)

Currently I am on estrogen (orally 3x's/day) and progesterone (vaginally 2x's/day). 

I looked online at common early pregnancy symptoms so let's see:

Cramping: C-Yup. I've noticed this more since starting the progesterone on Friday. No embryos in there to implant yet, but still a symptom I'm currently experiencing. Also present with T1 and T2.

Breast tenderness: C-Not yet but I'm sure in the next few days. Again, progesterone related. This always appears within a few days of starting progesterone. Big time both with T1 and T2. 

Fatigue: C-Nope. When I did PIO (T1) and my progesterone levels were really high I was the most tired of any cycle. Not with T2. 

Nausea: C-Nope. Again, after T1 was when I had this symptom the most. Not after T2. 

Bloating: All cycles. Thanks hormones!

Constipation or Diarrhea: C-Nope. This was BAD after T2 and not present after T1. 

Headaches: C-Yes. None in the past few days but when I first started estrogen (first week or so) I had a headache pretty much every day. After T1 and T2 I had headaches. Headaches generally accompany rising or falling hormones for me. Both times my pregnancies didn't work out I had headaches for about a week straight leading up to the bad news. 

Backache: C-No, but lots after T2. I also had a lot of backaches the week before my period started after T2. 

Spotting: None ever.

Increased basal body temperature: I don't keep track. I did when I was first TTC, but it was a real pain and seemed too inconsistent. Not for me. 

Darker areolas: Never

Vaginal Discharge: Does crinone discharge count? Hard to tell when you are on vaginal suppositories. 

Mood swings: Ummmm.... all the time?

Frequent Trips to the bathroom: C-Yes. Last night I got up 3 times to pee. I did drink a bit of wine last night, but since starting the Crinone I have definitely noticed this. Didn't have this after T1 but did with 2. 

Heightened sense of smell: All cycles. 

Food Aversions: C-No. Didn't after T1 but did a little after T2 (dark meat of chicken). 

Increased thirst: Not really something I've ever noticed. 

So what can be learned from this long-winded post? That "symptoms" are a result of the hormones that I take, not an actual pregnancy. I've decided in the past few days leading up to transfer #3 that I don't believe in symptoms. Maybe if I were a normal fertile trying to get pregnant they would mean something. But, I take a ton of hormones that mimic all of the same symptoms. For this transfer I'm not going to be on symptom watch because symptoms are a bunch of bull.  

IVF #2 CD 22 3dp5dt Crazy Town

How am I feeling? Honestly? I'm terrified this isn't going to work. Once you've experienced failure repeatedly it's hard to keep optimistic. After my FET I was convinced it worked. I kept track of my "symptoms" and just felt pregnant. I was so shocked and upset when I was wrong. 

 I just can't do that to myself again. I hate the thought of not being as positive as possible, but I have to keep my guard up to protect myself. 

I feel like I'm walking the crazy line. I want to be positive, but I'm also so worried it won't work. Next Wednesday is so soon and I don't really want to know. I want to relish in being PUPO as long as possible. I also hate that Valentine's day is the day before my beta, so of course I'll be tempted to POAS. 

I am so scared that our perfect embryos won't implant and that I will feel like a giant failure. Last time the embryos weren't great so I was able to blame the failure on that. This time, the only thing I will be able to blame failure on is myself. 

I want intense cramps and implantation spotting, but no such luck. Maybe I've had some cramping, but I also have giant swollen ovaries and I've been constipated. Who knows what the heck I'm feeling "down there." I learned the hard way last time that all of the meds I'm taking help to create pregnancy symptoms. 

I found out yesterday that we have 4 frozen totsicles. I'm not sure of the grades although I know that 2 were 4BB. I'm pretty happy about having a backup plan, but I also know that the "best of the best" embryos are in me doing their thing. Hopefully that thing is implanting. Please send me some sanity if you have any extra. 

I had a dream last night where I had to have polyps removed again. I was conscious for the surgery and watched the entire thing on a screen. They thought there was only 1, but there ended up being 4. There was 1 that was really big and the rest were smaller. After the surgery they asked me if I wanted to see them. I looked and it was 4 black cats, 3 of which were tiny and adorable. They were stretching their little paws out to me. What the heck?! 

I missed you

Progesterone that is. Well actually, not at all. I am starting to think I was crazy for requesting progesterone with this IUI, but when I was pregnant my levels were always in the low-average range. When I asked my RE about this he said it could have been because the Lupron suppressed everything. I did not miss the leaky feeling or constant use of panty liners. Oh well though, a pretty minor complaint.

When I woke up yesterday my boobs were super sore. Most likely it was a result of ovulation since it was before I had started the Progesterone. I have had some cramping on and off the past day or so and my stomach has been off. I'm not sure if that is the Progesterone of Metformin. I've also been getting up in the middle on the night to pee. It is amazing how the trigger shot gives you pregnancy symptoms. I'm sure this will subside as the HCG works its way out of my system. 

We planted most of our garden yesterday and put in carrots, zucchini, yellow squash, winter squash, red green and orange bell peppers, jalapenos, oregano, parsley, basil, rosemary, cilantro, melons, yellow and green string beans, eggplant, 3 varieties of tomatoes, cucumbers, red and yellow onions, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and lettuce. We also planted some sunflowers and marigolds. It was a LOT of work, but we are hoping it all pays off and we have some delicious veggies in a few months. We still need to plant our potatoes and peas and will do that as soon as the weather cooperates. I did a lot of squatting to plant rather than kneeling since the ground was so wet, but my hamstrings and inner thighs are KILLING me today. Walking fast or doing stairs has been a little painful.

We went and saw the movie Bridesmaids today and it was really funny. I had some gift certificates to the movies we have been meaning to use and it was nice to have a complete distraction from the 2ww. I will be really busy with work the next few weeks and we have W's graduation on Sunday. Saturday my boss has this event at the museum in Syracuse that is a sensory friendly day at the museum for children who have sensory issues. We are planning to do that Saturday and then have graduation on Sunday. Our party is coming up in a few weeks and we really want to paint our mud room (newly renamed the sun room) that W tiled last weekend. I should post some pics of the updates around the house. The 2ww is always good for house projects, especially with an upcoming graduation/housewarming party!

IUI #2 CD 14 and 15 (back-to-back IUI's)

This month we did 2 IUI's rather than just one. The actual IUI's were Thursday and Friday. I'm not sure how much of a difference doing back to back IUI's makes, but it makes me feel like we really covered our bases. The first day when I picked up the sample from the andrology lab I asked about the count. don't remember the count but do know it had 95% motility. The guy actually said to me "I don't know what you are feeding him, but he is full of sperm." All I could do was laugh in response. 

The second day the nurse talked to me for quite a while after. It was a little awkward to have a conversation without pants on and lying on your back, but I'm sure she is used to it. I was able to ask a lot of questions, none all that important, but it was nice that she took the time. The procedures went fine and I had my ipod so I was able to relax and listen to music after. A nurse and the receptionist wished me good luck when I left yesterday. 

Yesterday I had lots of cramping most of the afternoon. I am amazed by how much EWCM there has been, I have been swimming in it! I will start progesterone tonight and do it 2 x's/day. Like the good 'ole days with my friend Endometrin. 

I am feeling really optimist about this cycle (who isn't at 1 DPO?) Now we are on to the 2WW. I am trying to convince my hubby that we should paint our bedroom, but so far have not been successful. We will see. We have to get our veggie garden planted, but it is raining today. It helps to have things to do and distractions to make the time pass more quickly. Any good ideas? What do you do to keep busy during your 2WW? 

The 2WW is good for something

Well, the 2ww officially ends on Friday, but I'm pretty sure my period will be paying me a visit any day now. People say that PMS symptoms are very similar to pregnancy symptoms, but I think I can tell the subtle differences. Sure, my boobs are sore, but more in a I'm getting my period kind of way that huge and pregnant kind of way. I feel moody, but don't even remember feeling that way when I was pregnant. My sense of smell is within the normal range and I haven't been stopping to use the bathroom much at all. When I look back at the time before I knew I was pregnant last time, the things that stand out the most were SUPER sore boobs and getting up in the middle of the night to pee. I always sleep through the night and have been doing so all week. 

That being said, I have an appointment with my RE for Friday to discuss our future options. This was an appointment I voluntary scheduled today since I feel like we need to sit down and talk. I haven't actually talked to him since before we even started the Clomid. I was starting to feel like I was being treated by a nurse and wasn't comfortable with this. Maybe this is just the part of me who was about to do a cycle of IVF and am now doing IUI's. I know they aren't as involved, but it is hard to go from one treatment to the other with the same expectations. My hubby and I were talking about it the other day and we said it's like I went from point A to point C and am now back at point B. It has been an interesting and confusing journey and we're not even to our destination yet. 

 I tried to call my RE on Monday to ask a few questions and called a different number he had given me. Since I go to a University clinic, he also has an "academic" number. I know this number leads directly to voicemail and that I could leave a message that he would receive. Well, he called back at 6:25 on Monday night (I left my phone in the car as we were at calling hours). I was disappointed to see he had called back and I didn't expect it, but his message made me think this wasn't a number to call with general questions. He basically said I could get ahold of him the following day through the clinic if it were an emergency, or call the nurse at the clinic with questions. I don't feel like she can answer some of my questions and she isn't the most thorough. She tends to be brief and almost always seems annoyed with me. I will let you know how the appointment goes and the answers to some of the questions that have been bothering me. 

Since I have given you the update on IF, I decided to update you on what I kept myself busy with over the past two weeks. Some of the projects were started a little before, but here is what we did:

Painted our office:

Before (a dark green). These pictures were taken before we moved in an had furniture in the room. 

It's not that we didn't like the color, it was more that it was dark for the space and I wanted to do STRIPES. Here were go!

First we pained it all a lighter color:

Then we measured and taped (my hubby was ready to kill me during this process):

Then we painted the darker color and pulled off the tape. The touch ups were done courtesy of my hubby and I think it looks pretty fantastic. 

 That's probably enough looking at my house pictures, so I will spare you other projects until I update again (Ok I lied, here are some pretty spring pictures I took today). Hope everyone is having a great week and that spring is visiting them too! ICLW has been great and I've been enjoying reading some new blogs and having new visitors. Thanks for stopping by!