Freeze Report

I was so nervous to call. I dreaded it. When my friend texted me to get the report and I told her I was too scared, she encouraged me strongly to call. 

I feel more invested in this cycle than previous ones. That's part of why I was so nervous. 

I finally called around 12:30 and spoke with a nurse. She was able to tell me that we have a lucky 7 embryos frozen. I asked for their report cards and she said she would have to get an embryologist to call me back. 

A little while later my phone rang. This is what I found out.

On day five they froze three embryos. Of those we had a 5AC, 4BC, and a 3BC. 

On day six they froze four embryos. They were a 4AC, 4BC, 4BC, and 4CC.

She also said they were watching four more to see if they would be able to freeze them on day seven. I didn't realize that was a possibility. 

When AF showed up on Tuesday I emailed Dr. Br.averman. He suggested I schedule a baseline appointment and we didn't talk a whole lot about instructions beyond that. He wanted to know how many embryos we had before we talked next steps. That's one thing I've figured out about him. He likes to take things one step at a time. I'm always trying to look to the next step, so find this somewhat frustrating. It's forcing me to live more in the moment than plan ahead. We had exchanged a few emails about different protocols but he didn't specifically say what to do for me. 

My baseline appointment was this morning. My ovaries were still pretty big and "angry" as the NP put it, but my lining was thin. Both ovaries had some left over cysts but she didn't seem too concerned about it. She asked what the plan was, and not knowing, I just went with the flow. She came back with instructions and my next appointment scheduled. 

When I asked her to fax the results from today's appointment she stopped and stared at me for a second or two before saying, "If that's what you want." Seriously?

I emailed the nurse at Dr. B's office and asked if Dr. B was going to give me a calendar. Well, come to find out he wants me to do something entirely different. The theme of this IVF cycle all along? Different is better!! I guess I'll have to contact the NP and tell her of the change of plans. 

To those of you who have done FET's, what was your protocol? 

All I know right now is this one involves 2 weeks of birth control pills before anything else. I'm pretty sure it also adds Lupron, Progesterone, and Estrace at some point. It's amazing how many months I have spent on the pill while we have been trying to get pregnant. My clinic was happy to have me take Estrace 3x's/day until I started progesterone. Pretty simple. Things are going to get complicated again. 

I forgot to tell this story sooner. The day before my retrieval I had to go for blood work to be sure the lupron trigger worked. I made the appointment for a bit later in the day and ended up having some cancellations for the time after. I called a friend and my MIL to see if either of them wanted to have lunch with me, but was unsuccessful. So then I called my FIL and he gladly agreed. He was so patient and a fantastic listener as I jabbered on about the newest news with us TTC wise. When I told him I had a procedure the next day he asked me, "Are things coming out or going in?" That's one way to put it!

Change of Plans

I received my calendar on Friday to see a few changes. Rather than starting stims on Monday, Thursday is going to be the day. It's no big change to me, although it may have resulted in a double dose of bcp's since I had skipped the night before. I am officially done with bcp's now. Maybe I will start to feel normal again. 

The weekend was nice and relaxing. Friday afternoon I started working on my quilt since I finished my day early. I got a lot done and am now struggling with triangular pieces. The squares were easy! I went to dinner with a friend that night. We ate at the new mexican restaurant La Cantina Laredo in the mall and it wasn't very good. From there we headed over to the Melting Pot and had chocolate fondue for dessert. That was definitely delicious! Then we got pedicures and headed home. It was nice to see T since I missed dinner with the girls this week. Her belly has really popped out and her little guy is cooking away!

 On Saturday morning we got up early and headed into Syracuse to walk for ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). On the way, we picked up my boss and we met up with another co-worker there. I went to a high school with a girl whose father was diagnosed with ALS. My boss also knows the family because he lives in the same town very close to them. We did the walk 2 years ago and were glad to participate again. Tom is the name of the guy we were walking for. It was a bit sad to see him because he is definitely losing some function (physical and cognitive). I can't imagine having a loved one being diagnosed with ALS. It's a slow and sad way to die. The weather was really crappy and the entire walk was in the pouring rain. From there we headed home and hung out on the couch for pretty much the rest of the day.  

 On Sunday we were much more productive and cleaned up around the house, did some laundry, organized my toy space above the garage, and W did some landscaping while I did more quilting. The quilt is really coming along and I'm excited for how it will look all together. I had some sewing machine malfunctions last night and had to call it quits once I finally figured something out. 

My sister finds out what she is having today at her anatomy scan. She really wants a girl and I think she will start crying if it's a boy. I'm excited to hear the news, but I know there will be mixed emotions with it all. I can't believe she is already to that point in her pregnancy. She really wanted me to come to the appointment, but I didn't think I could do it. It's a far drive and would have meant a day off of work in addition to the emotional aspect of it all. 

I'm feeling really torn and up in the air about everything. We almost always have a plan B for if plan A fails, but right now I don't know where we will go from this next cycle. I still have some unanswered questions and I'm not sure where to turn with them. We did have a plan B before we received this matching information. I'm pretty lost and not sure where to turn from here. 

I Will Wait

This is the title of one of the newest Mumford and Sons songs. I have been listening to it a lot and find it fitting these days. They played it when we saw them in August and I loved it then. Check it out, buy it on iTunes and then listen to it constantly like me. At least that's my recommendation.

The week after we got back from vacation (last week) I completed the final portion of the blood work. Re.prosource told me the doctor's office would have the results in about a week.

So this week I called Dr. Br.averman's office to schedule my follow-up appointment. At first they offered me the end of October, but I told them that wouldn't work. The best they were able to offer was September 17th (a week from this coming Monday). At the time it seemed really far away and I was pretty bummed out. They did add me to the cancellation list so I'm somewhat hopeful it will work out. Otherwise, its really not that far away. 

I've been taking the pill for about 30 days now. It makes me moody and eats up my patience. I feel like I'm in the starting blocks of a race just waiting for the gun to be shot off. 

I'm a little worried something will show up that takes time to remediate or that there will be some other kind of problem. In total, it was 32 tubes of blood for the tests. I'll be upset if there's something wrong but probably also upset if there isn't. I don't think there's such a thing as winning at this point. 

It's hard not to feel like something else is going on. We've transferred 14 embryos at 5 different times and only gotten 2 chemical pregnancies. Most of these embryos were considered good quality. 

So, for now I Will Wait for my appointment and the results. Can the next week please disappear??

Oh Well

I'm not going to be able to get blood work part 1/attempt 2 done before I leave for vacation. These are the tests that I can't do in network. 

These tests are:

NKA, RIP, TH1/TH2 Cytokine, Fox P3, T-Cell Subset, KIR Receptors, CBC with differential, and LAD. 

It's overwhelming how over my head all of immunology stuff is. I try to understand things to the best of my ability, but immunology is crazy complicated. I have an extreme respect for anyone who understands any of it. 

I had made an appointment this morning for tomorrow but then found out that Repro.source doesn't process blood on Saturday. I tried to get in today to do it but my clinic closes early and I called too late. 

Oh well, it will hopefully only put us back a week. It makes it pretty clear I won't be on only one pack on birth control pills before starting stims again. Hopefully it will only mean an extra week or so. 

I spoke with the financial coordinator at Dr. Braver.man's office today and she was super helpful. We talked about what the price included and how we will move forward with things. I'm looking forward to getting all of the results and trying to understand it all. 

But even more I'm looking forward to 9 days of vacation. Look out lobster and crab, here I come!

Denied

I had submitted a pre-authorization form to my insurance company last week to see if I could get the out of network blood work covered. It was a pain to do and required a lot of calling around since the insurance company wanted all of my previous medical records.

Well, I heard from them yesterday that they denied it. The reason was because it was for IVF. The thing that pisses me off about that is that it isn't for IVF. Yeah, that's my plan, but I'm not doing this testing in order to do an IVF cycle. Recurrent pregnancy loss testing and IVF aren't mutually exclusive.

Oh well, it's just money, right? That's what's we're trying to tell ourselves.

So I have to get that blood work done again and soon since we are leaving for vacation on Friday. We are spending a little over a week in Maine and I am super excited . It's going to be so nice to have a break from work and to be able to spend time together.

The plan is to not think or worry about any of this infertility crap while we are away. I'm feeling a little stressed now because we don't exactly have a plan. Well, I guess the plan is to get the blood work results and then figure out what to do from there. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

I have two more weeks in this pack of birth control pills so I'm hoping it will all come together in the next few weeks.

Suppression is Boring

What's new? Well... not a whole lot. I haven't written in over a week but that's because there's nothing all that new or exciting. 

 I'm still taking birth control pills but start Lupron on Sunday. I always feel like once the injections start things really feel like they get moving. The weeks on birth control pills feel like they move at a snail's pace. 

Work is pretty busy with lots of report writing. I've been trying to be much better about getting things in on time. I've decided to tell my boss about our fertility treatments, but I haven't seen or talked to either of them since the conversation. I am out on my own a lot for work and I don't have a ton of contact with them other than email. I also wanted to wait for things to blow over a little bit. 

One of the mom's of the kids I work with went through 3 IUI's and 4 IVF cycles before she got pregnant with her first child. She has known for a while what is going on with us and is an amazing source of support. When I told her about the meeting and my thoughts she agreed I should tell them. She advised me against writing an email since that could be possibly placed in my HR file. I thought that was a really good point. So, I'm just giving it some time, but I do intend to come out of the closet. 

One of the kids I work with had a cut on his arm. I asked him what happened and he told me they went to a bounce house place and the bouncy house "had rug burns on it." Love it!

I had a realization this past week. When I got to a house the 2 year old I see for therapy was sleeping. As the dad went into the other room to wake him up I noticed the 12 week old baby sleeping on the floor. I just stood there and stared at him. He was so beautiful and perfect. It was then that I realized it doesn't have to be MY baby for me to love it. I think if this IVF doesn't work out we might start actively pursuing adoption or at least starting to do some research. I know at this point I would love any baby, whether it has my eyes or my husbands curly hair or not. It doesn't really matter. 

A Job Poorly Done

The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.

Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible. 

When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me. 

Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months.  I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility? 

My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding. 

Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.

I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.    

Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!

Nada

That's how many of the frozen embryos we transferred implanted. I had the formality of my beta today to tell me what I already knew. The nurse said, "Hey, you never know" when I told her I knew it was negative. When she left the room W also said that is also the slogan for the lottery.

 I started testing the day before we left for vacation and nothing ever appeared. I used Wondfo and bought 3 FRER tests. I only used one of those at 7dp5dt and that's when I knew it was over. The consolation prize? An amazing vacation in Mexico. We ate, drank, swam, relaxed, read, ziplined, snokeled, rappelled, sunned ourselves, and enjoyed each other and the surroundings. I think every 2ww should end either with a positive pregnancy test or a relaxing vacation. Add that to my bill!

Our resort was amazing and adults only so I didn't have any great (or not so great) families to watch and feel jealous about. No cute babies or screaming children, so it was pretty great. I read 2 1/2 of the 3 Hunger Games books and can't wait to see the movie. 

At my appointment this morning I asked about another IVF cycle. We can start as soon as AF shows by taking BCP's. Oh joy! They gave me a free pack of pills and told me to call on CD 1. We discussed the Lupron and Antagonist protocols and the NP gave me a few good reasons why the Antagonist wouldn't be a good idea. 

First, my estradiol levels peaked at 7672 last cycle. Since I wasn't on any antagonist we were able to pull that out of the "back pocket" to make my levels drops way down. Also, they retrieved 28 eggs. With no suppression the NP said my response could be scary, especially with polycystic ovaries. We will switch from Menopur to Luveris this cycle and use a much lower dose. She said I may stim for more days but hopefully we will keep my estradiol levels a bit lower and more under control. 

How do I feel about doing it again? Eh, whatever it takes, right? I'm not excited to go through the egg retrieval process again, but it will be ok. I don't think waiting or taking any time off helps me. In fact, it just reminds me of the negative experience with all the waiting with RE #1. 

BTW, we transferred all 4 of our frozen embryos. I'm not sure what their grades were, how many cells survived, etc. We decided to thaw all 4 thinking they wouldn't all make it. I wanted to transfer 3 this time but when we were told all 4 survived, my RE and I agreed to put them all back. Part of the decision making process is that with the package deal we bought in order to move on to another fresh cycle you have to use up all of the frozen ones first. I wanted to transfer 3, so it didn't make sense to keep just one frozen. I'm pretty bummed that none of my 4 blastocysts implanted. I guess it wasn't the right time or the right embryos. That's all I can really say about it. No use feeling badly. 

Onward and upward. 

They Hit

Side effects. Always after 3 days on any medication I start to feel side effects. I have had a dull headache since Wednesday night right before bed. I woke up yesterday and it lingered all day. I was able to take a nap while hubby was cooking dinner so that was nice but when I woke up the headache was still there. 

Crazy dreams! This morning I was dreaming about a giant horse kicking and biting me in the face when W woke me up. It was scary! I also dreamt I was in my freshman college dorm. Little things pop up during the day that remind me of parts of a crazy dream. 

I'm feeling a little spacey and forgetful. I will start a sentence and not be able to finish. Makes me look smart. 

Hot flashes. I'm usually pretty cold but yesterday when I asked someone "Is it hot in here" and they replied, "no, I'm actually cold" I knew something was up. I drove with my windows down for part of the day. 

My boobs are getting a little sore and uncomfortable. 

I'm craving crap food. Not sure if this is just me though. I can't seem to consistently make good choices. I was at a pre-kindergarten class yesterday and it was someone's birthday. Those cupcakes looked too good to pass up. Funfetti with whipped cream frosting. Boy did I regret that one. I don't ever eat that much sugar so it shocked me a bit with a super intense headache and stomachache. It was pretty delicious in the moment though. 

We have a bunch of snow on the ground this morning and are supposed to get a few more inches today. I wish I could just stay home and drink hot chocolate. 

3 more BCP's and 4 days until my suppression check. Is this really happening? Hope everyone has a safe Friday the 13th. I have a friend who has her beta for IVF #3 today. I hope she gets good news. 

Awesome Sauce

What makes the sauce so awesome? The fact that my thyroid is fine, that's what. 

On Friday I had my ultrasound. No big surprise the tech didn't want to give me any info. 

On Thursday, Friday, and Monday I called my physician's office and asked for the full thyroid blood panel. When I called Monday and they told me my doc would return my call that morning I was super annoyed when I didn't hear back. I went ahead and started the Lupron because I wasn't going to let the unknown issues with my thyroid delay me. 

The great news is he called this afternoon and told me no further testing was needed since the ultrasound revealed my thyroid was fine. I am so relieved and happy that I can continue on with the cycle full steam ahead with complete confidence. 

Dr. Google had freaked me out a little bit after my extensive searches. 

Today was day 2 of Lupron. I stop BCP's on Sunday night and have my suppression check on Monday morning bright and early. I don't usually start my Monday mornings until 9:00 about 10 minutes from my house. My appointment is at 6:45 about 45 minutes from my house. Help me please. 

Really?

Nothing else unidentifiable has appeared, so that is good.

I went to my GYN for my annual this week. When she asked if anything had changed, I gave her the full run-down. I barely made it through without starting to cry. This makes me wonder whether I've reached a point where I really should see a counselor. She was very nice and everything was super quick. I mentioned the tissue thing to her and she didn't seem to think anything of it. I was still spotting at that time.

On Friday I started bleeding, like a period. I'm still on birth control pills and haven't missed any. That afternoon I called my RE's office and left a message for him to call me back.

When he called, another 45 minute conversation ensued. He offered me another sonohysterogram prior to the hysteroscopy but I said no. He said it was possible that I passed the polyps, but it was certainly unusual and without a tissue specimen it was impossible to tell. He left it as he planned to keep me on BCP's but to call Monday afternoon to let him know if the bleeding had stopped. 

I was bleeding all weekend, so no, it didn't stop. I will call this afternoon and see what he has to say. It's not quite as heavy as a period, but definitely not just spotting. 

He also said that we won't be able to do the FET until I have a cycle after the polypectomy. This means at least 6 weeks until CD 1 for FET.

We rejoined the Y this week so I am hoping to do some running/jogging more consistently. Wish me luck!

Conversation with RE this afternoon and pre-op appointment on Wednesday.