Support

Everything is progressing well with this cycle. I had my ultrasound, blood work, and intralipids on Friday. My lining was nice and thick and triple striped. I started progesterone today and my transfer is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 with Dr. K. They gave me a valium and sent me on my merry way. 

Life is pretty great. I've been spending a lot of time with my fertility yoga buddies and I am so grateful for them. I went to yoga on Tuesday and we hung around after chatting about various things. On Thursday night four of us went out for Indian food and today five of us met for our book club. We started up a book club two months ago and meet to discuss the book and so many other things fertility related. We laugh, cry, bitch, and support each other. 

It really is great to have friends going through many of the same things. We are all different and have our different stories, but we also have so much in common. 

 I can't imagine going through this journey now without this amazing group of women to share it with.  

A Job Poorly Done

The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.

Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible. 

When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me. 

Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months.  I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility? 

My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding. 

Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.

I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.    

Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!

Empty

I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...

Sharing my story

First of all, I would like to give a thank you to everyone who has left me comments this week. I feel like ICLW has been great timing for me and that I am getting some much needed support. I have some new followers as well as some new blogs to follow. It is amazing how long the list is and how each story is different, yet similar.

I saw the mother of one of the children I work with today who knew about our entire process. On Friday morning I saw her and she knew I had an appointment that afternoon. She told me to text her with the heart rate. She knows this journey all too well since she went through multiple IUI's, and a few IVF's before she got pregnant. She also had a miscarriage with one of her cycles. She is the ONLY person who knew what was going on with me.

I never texted her on Friday since it wasn't good news. She came to the door today and asked, and I didn't even have to answer. She then invited me in for coffee and gave me a huge hug. It was hard to tell her, but good to have someone to talk to about it other than my hubby. She was encouraging and said that it is hard to hear and that I probably don't want to hear it now, but there are some positives to come out of this. She said her clinic was excited when she had a miscarriage and all she felt like doing was flipping them off. She was very kind and understanding. I can't remember exactly what the conversation covered, but I know I left feeling better. I shed some tears and shared my feelings, and felt good confiding in someone else.

When I left I met up with my Mom and brother. She was going to buy me a late Christmas present (a piece of artwork), but the store was closed so we went to a coffee ship since my brother wanted a hot chocolate. She was in a great mood and really didn't pick up on my bad mood. She is very self involved and completely forgot I was getting surgery at all last time and the news we received after (my tubes were blocked.) She is forgetful and not supportive in these ways. I finally told her I am having surgery again on Thursday. I did not tell her anything about the miscarriage or D&C, just the cyst and laparoscopy. She started to say her usual "I didn't have any problems, I am surprised you are..." when I finally told her when she says these things they don't help or make me feel any better. She responded that I am so sensitive. My reply, "This is a sensitive issue." She then dropped the topic. She is so NOT helpful about all of this and I wish she was a better support for me. Oh well, on to calling my Dad.

I called him and told him everything. He was apologetic and listened as I rambled on and on. He said many nice things and other not so helpful things "relax", "good things come to those who wait", but his intentions were good. He was optimistic about the future and my chances of a successful pregnancy in the future. He was amazed my mom was no help and is so insensitive. He just said "I don't know what happened to her." This makes sense as they got divorced when I was 7. He took it as a compliment that I told him and was able to confide in him rather than the women in my family. He asked if I would tell my sister, and I told him I am not planning on it. The women in my family are more interested in gossip than supporting me and my feelings.

I have had a little bit of spotting. My RE told me I didn't need to continue the progesterone and that I could start bleeding and pass the embryo before the procedure. He said when I stopped the progesterone I would probably start bleeding within a few days. To me this didn't seem like a good option since I opted to do the D&C and have additional surgery accompany it. When I got home Fri I noticed some pink on my pad. I made the decision then to continue the progesterone to prevent any bleeding. I woke up this morning and the pad I was wearing looked like a creamsicle (sorry if TMI). I have been feeling crampy and bloated, but am hoping my body can hold off until Thursday. There are multiple reasons I am continuing Progesterone, and call me selfish if you want, but here they are:

I made the decision to have the D&C and don't want to feel like I am electing for unnecessary surgery. If I pass the content on my own I will only be having the laparoscopy.

I am taking time off from work for the surgery and recovery and can't afford to take more off. I work per diem and am the only income in our house. If I don't work, I don't get paid.

I am not prepared to deal with having a miscarriage at home. I am not in denial about this because I have confronted my feelings about everything and mourned. I have cried a lot and am looking to move past this.

I don't want to wait and wait for this to happen. I want to have closure and be able to move on. 

I don't want to see it. I want to be asleep and wake up and have it all over. 

I am not usually the type of person who chooses medical interventions when not absolutely necessary, but I feel like this is the best decision for me.