Hormones

Lately my hormones have been feeling all over the place. I've had 2 periods since the girls were born. I have no idea the length of my first cycle and my second one was 51 days long. I'm currently on day 60 with no period in sight. I feel so irritable and have little patience and I've am having issues with insomnia for the first time in my life. I am still breastfeeding and know that that can affect hormone levels. 

Recently I purchased ovulation tests to try to see what my body was doing. We're not trying to get pregnant, I just wanted to see if I was ovulating, and if so, on what day of my cycle. I never really used them consistently and always heard they aren't reliable with PCOS. I will have to agree. I didn't really take too many but I got 2 clear positives this current cycle. This tells me that my body is having LH surges but likely not ovulating= more ovarian cysts. 

I realized I needed to make an appointment to see some kind of dr, but just wasn't sure what kind. My ob? A regular endocrinologist? A reproductive endocrinologist since it's related to my reproductive health and hormones? I feel like a RE is the most appropriate person, yet most are just focused on fertility treatments and getting women pregnant. That's not my goal right now.

So, I have an appointment scheduled with my ob for next week. I emailed Dr. B last night just to get his input. He suggested taking progesterone every 3 months to get a period. I read more about progesterone to help manage PCOS and that seemed like a popular treatment. 

The thing is, I'm wondering if there are ways to restore regular cycles (ovulation) and minimize the PCOS symptoms without birth control pills. Due to blood clotting issues I was told I shouldn't ever use an estrogen based birth control because it will increase my chances of developing a blood clot. I'm currently taking 1500-2000 mg a day of Metformin, more often the 1500 since I have a hard time tolerating the full dose. I also don't want to go on birth control. We've both talked about it and we'd be fine with a spontaneous pregnancy. In fact, I'd love it if we got pregnant on our own. 

I know I have to do something. Having 50+ day cycles isn't healthy or normal and I feel like my mood and patience aren't in a great place. So, we'll see what my ob says next week and what he suggests. Has anyone else regulated their PCOS without birth control pills? Any suggestions or ideas?

Testing and Beta #1

I didn't update much this week due to being cautious. I kept track of how things were going, but decided not to hit publish until I was ready and feeling more confident. 

4dp5dt Wednesday morning. After getting up I decided to pull out a Wondfo test. I had a negative two days prior so knew the booster HCG shot was gone. I dipped it in my pee cup and hopped in the shower. W was already at work and he didn't know I was going to test. I told myself it was far to early to get a positive and prepared myself for a negative result. I was fine with a negative result because it was so early. I got out of the shower and glanced at the test. It looked negative. I started to get ready and then went back to the test. I thought I saw the faintest line ever. From that point on I would walk away from the test just to walk back and look at it. I held it up in different lighting and was starting to consistently see the faintest second line. I then wished that I hadn't dumped the pee so that I could dip another test just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. I looked at the test a few more times and then left for the morning. I had to pee later in the morning and decided to go home so I could take another look at the test. I still saw the faintest second line. I changed my day around a bit so I could have lunch with W when he came home. When he was home I told him we needed to talk. I told him I knew it was early but that I had tested early. I then asked him to come look at the test. He also saw the faint line. Could I really have a second line 4 days after my transfer? It was so early in the morning when I took the test and my transfer was done at 2PM. Technically I wasn't even a full 4 days past my transfer.  

5dp5dt Thursday morning. I dipped another stick and was super nervous to find out if the first one was just a fluke. The second line appeared a little more quickly and was slightly more obvious. It was still super light and could be considered a "squinter". When a blogger friend texted me to wish me good luck I couldn't resists and shared the news with her. 

6dp5dt Friday morning. I didn't use a test that morning.  I had gotten up at 5:30 to pee and knew my FMU was going to be crap. My blogger friend texted my again that morning and I told her I skipped so I wouldn't go crazy analyzing lines. That afternoon I couldn't resist any longer and peed again. The line was starting to get a bit darker and more noticeable.  

7dp5dt Saturday morning. I didn't use a test again and thought I would not test at all. We went over to our friend's house T&B and saw their little guy O who turned two weeks that day. We had lots of snuggling time with the baby, a delicious and spicy lunch, and we watched a college basketball game. At one point I went upstairs with T to be her "pumpany" and couldn't resist telling her when she asked how I was feeling. She teared up (post pregnancy hormones?), and then exclaimed that she had a test in the bathroom. She gave me a digital EPT test and I got nervous knowing that a digital needed a higher level of HCG to register positive. I looked it up online and found that the sensitivity was 50 and decided not to take it there, but to take the test with me when I left. When I got to my in-law's house about an hour later I couldn't resist any longer and peed on it. The digital readout of pregnant showed quite quickly. I immediately called W and showed him. We were both super excited. That night I used another Wondfo test and got an awesome line that was so much darker from the previous day. I was really seeing progression in the tests and getting super excited that this could actually be happening. 

8dp5dt Sunday. I used a Wondfo test and started to get concerned when the line was lighter. I figured it didn't matter that much from day to day and decided not to stress it. It was still positive and I convinced myself I was still pregnant. 

9dp5dt Monday morning (this morning) was Beta day. I used my FMU with a Wondfo test after not getting up all night to pee (we went to bed around midnight since we were up late for the Superbowl.) The line took a while to show up and definitely wasn't any darker. As it dried it looked on par with Saturday's test. W and I started to talk about another chemical and feel super bummed out. I couldn't help but worry that the number would be positive but not high enough. I had my blood test at 7:15 and just needed to wait to hear. My old clinic did the blood work and they have an online portal to check the numbers. I checked non-stop all morning and no results. I finally checked again around 1:45 to see the amazing results. My HCG level was 185.5 and my progesterone was >40!! 

I couldn't believe how great the HCG number was given the test I had taken that morning. I had worried and felt so nervous all day waiting to hear the results. I called W and told him the great news and then texted my yoga buddies to tell them the results. I'm so amazed at this number and feeling so positive. 

Dr. B.raverman called me around 2:15 and I took the call during a speech session. He told me I was "very pregnant" and that he was feeling really confident with my numbers. He told me he wanted me to have a repeat beta on Wednesday and also repeat the immune panel. He said all of our running around appeared to have been worth it and congratulated me. It was a really great conversation.  When I asked about a first ultrasound he said he would want to do one 4 weeks from retrieval. That is 2 weeks from today. He then said he wanted to do it himself and asked whether we were planning to come to LI for it. I admitted I hadn't gotten that far yet in my thinking. He told me to think about it. Once again he said congratulations and we hung up. 

I'm still feeling cautious and scared for the outcome of everything. I know a positive test or beta doesn't equal a take-home baby in 9 months. We've been here before. I so badly want this to be our little one, but know I need to take things one step at a time. The number is so much better than anything we have ever gotten at this point s it's hard to not get too excited at the same time. I guess I'll just walk the tightrope for now. 

Retrieval Keeps Things Interesting

My retrieval was scheduled for yesterday (Monday) at 1:30 P.M. I've never had a retrieval that late in the day, so I figured I would be very hungry and thirsty leading up to it. The cutoff for food and drink was midnight Sunday night. 

On Sunday afternoon we headed to Queens to stay at an empty apartment owned by our friends. They are in the process of selling it but are waiting to close. We arrived around 9:00 and found the place easily. The apartment was really nice and spacious, but quite empty. Apart from the bed there wasn't much else. Unfortunately, we weren't able to pick up on any wireless networks so watched Net.flix from W's i.Phone. Not the biggest screen ever, but it worked. 

We slept in Monday morning and took our time as we showered and got ready. We left the apartment around 11:00 to head into Manhattan where the retrieval would take place. We found a cheap parking garage nearby and left our car for a few hours. 

From there we had over an hour to kill so decided to walk around some. I do not recommend walking around Manhattan around lunch time when you haven't eaten in twelve hours and are super hungry. I have to say though that the good and bad smells would waver from one step to the next, and one block to the next. There were certainly tons of restaurants to admire as we walked. There was even a guy who stood outside a place and offered free hot soup samples. Soup is my absolute favorite so it was a bit torturous to walk past and not take a delicious sample. 

We went into a few stores and made a few small purchases to kill the time. We then headed to the clinic with plenty of time to spare.  The staff was not overly communicative about anything. There was another couple there scheduled to go before me and the husband was not being cooperative. He refused to sign any consents without things being thoroughly explained to him. He also came to the front desk to complain that it was 1:05 and his wife's procedure time was supposed to be 1:00. I'm not sure if it was their first time or what, but they were making things much more difficult than they needed to be. 

Dr. Br.averman has a contract with this office. They only perform procedures and don't actually treat any patients. I would not see Dr. B during this procedure. 

I got changed and waited in the smallest recovery room ever. As I changed the other woman was taken into the procedure room. The recovery room I waited in contained three beds with a curtain between each one. They had me wait in the bed closest to the wall with the procedure room on the other side of that wall. There was a sliding door between the rooms.

As I waited a nurse came in and told me W had gone to give his sample. At one point the RE came in to explain the procedure and risks to me. He asked me if I had any questions and I asked about what kind of anesthesia would be used. For my last retrieval there was a shortage of Pro.pofol and I was in a lot of pain and remembered most of the procedure. Luckily the RE said they had Pro.pofol and joked I had done my last retrieval in Mexico. 

After what seemed like a little while the sliding door opened and I heard hysterical crying. I guess the woman who went before me did not wake up in a good place. They wheeled a bed from the recovery room into the procedure room and I heard them giving her instructions to transfer into that bed. The whole time she was hysterical and I heard it all. I'm not going to lie, this definitely made my heart start to beat a bit faster. 

After they wheeled her into the recovery room and had her cry in the bed next to me they told me it was my turn. I walked into the adjacent room and was immediately asked by the nurse if it was my first retrieval. When I told her it wasn't she was relieved because she didn't want the other patient to freak me out. 

The next bit was a complete whirlwind. The RE came in and instructed me to scoot down the bed while lots of other people moved around the room. I guessed who the anesthesiologist was and finally asked. He started the IV and asked me literally three questions, two of which were the same. It wasn't exactly the confidence I desired. Next things I knew I looked up to see am empty syringe in the anesthesiologists hand and heard him say, "things are underway." I felt a slight burning in my throat and was asleep quickly. 

I woke up and the nurses asked me to walk back to the recovery room. I was super lightheaded and felt  lots of cramps. They had me lie in the same bed I was in previously and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep a little more. 

I guess they had other plans for me. They continued to bother me as I just wanted to be left alone to nap. The one nurse offered me a drink and I had zero interest in it. The anesthesiologist and RE came in numerous times. They put a blood pressure cuff on each of my arms. The anesthesiologist at one point lifted my legs and held them in the air for a few minutes. He kept straightening my arm for the IV and asked me to lie on my back rather than my side. They asked me if I was in pain to which I replied yes. They gave me something for the pain but it didn't really help. Most of this time was mostly a blur. 

Eventually I realized they were concerned about my blood pressure. When they asked me what my systolic pressure typically ran I said around 120-130. I then asked what it was. They replied that it was in the 70's! 

I remember seeing W as he hung back a bit and that I felt really cold. The RE came back (apparently he had left) and grabbed my hand to talk to me. I told him his hand was really cold. He decided he wanted to do an ultrasound since my blood pressure was so low and I was in pain. 

They wheeled me back into the room and did a trans-abdominal ultrasound. There wasn't any fluid there so they just continued to pump fluids into me through my IV and brought me back into the recovery room. 

Slowly my blood pressure came back up. The RE said he didn't want us to leave that night and told us it would be best to stay another night. He gave W his cell phone number, his secretary's number, and the hospital info for the one he had rights to. He said he thought I would be fine but it was just good to have that info and keep and eye on things. He said my blood pressure likely got so low due to the fact that I was so dehydrated. I guess that's what happens when you can't have anything to eat or drink for 13 hours. 

Once things were under control and I was more conscious I asked about how many eggs we got. The nurses disappeared for a few minutes and came back to give me some seriously disappointing news. 

They retrieved twelve eggs, only twelve. I know I had at least twenty follicles and felt a bit blindsided by this information. I started to ask questions and they brought in the embryologist. She explained that many of the follicles did not contain eggs. I was completely heartbroken. I am used to egg counts in the high teens or twenties and I knew we had a LOT of follicles. 

I know a lot of people would be thrilled with that many eggs but I was just caught off guard. I really had expected a much higher number. 

I had been instructed by Dr. B's office to take a HCG booster shot of 1,500 IU's after retrieval. I was completely confused about how to do this, so called his office to speak to a nurse. She talked me through it and then I asked about the empty follicles. She said she would ask Dr. B and put me on hold. 

Then Dr. B got on the phone and asked me what was up. I told him what I was told and how disappointed I was. He listened and replied with true concern and compassion. He said no one really knows why empty follicles occur but they likely aren't really empty. The eggs instead stick to the wall of the follicle and then the egg does not come free easily. He said likely it was an egg quality issue with those eggs but that it said nothing about the eggs that were retrieved. He told me it was way too early to get disappointed and that anything over 10 eggs was still good.  He said it could have been the stimulation protocol but there was no way to know that at the time. I honestly felt on the verge of tears. I was glad I was able to talk to Dr. B, and he seemed so positive, but I still felt pretty low. 

W tried to reassure me that we still got a bunch of eggs and that the embryologist said the eggs we got looked really great. 

We left around 4:30 and headed to get some food. My friend had recommended a mac & cheese restaurant so we ate there. As we sat and ate I wanted to cry multiple times. Between the blood pressure fiasco and empty follicles I was feeling really low. W continued to try to reassure me, but I just needed to process everything. From there we headed to a frozen yogurt place a few blocks away and I treated myself to as many delicious toppings as appealed to me. 

We headed back to the apartment in Queens and I napped for a bit in bed. After an hour or two I woke up and wanted to get some fresh air and go for a walk. I was a little hungry so we decided to look for a place to eat. We stopped at some kind of South American restaurant and had some delicious homemade soup. W and I both joked after we left that being in that restaurant was like being in another country. I was convinced I wanted to take the train into Manhattan to see a late night movie, but W was a little more guarded. He didn't think it was a good idea and I realized he was probably right when the cramping returned. 

We went back and watched a little more Net.flix on the i.Phone before we fell asleep. We did my PIO shot and I slapped some estrogen patches on my stomach. I still felt pretty sore and had a lot of cramps. 

I dreamt last night that I was looking for a place to hide and bawl my eyes out. I didn't want W to be there, so found some place and curled up in a chair with one of my dogs. I'm sure it reflects the disappointment I felt. 

I woke up this morning and felt much better. My stomach seemed to have gone done in size and I had gotten up a few times in the night to pee out some of the fluid they pumped me full of. 

We walked to get some breakfast and had another foreign country-like experience. After, we got back in the car ready to head home and I felt SO bloated and full. I reclined for most of the ride and things were quite uneventful as we drove. 

Around 3:00 I emailed Dr. B to get the fertilization report. He responded in literally two minutes to tell me of the twelve eggs retrieved 8 were mature. They performed ICSI on all 8 and... ALL EIGHT FERTILIZED!! This really helped to perk me up a lot.  Our first IVF we had a 55% fertilization rate, #2 we had 80%, #3 we had 61%, and #4 we had 68%. 100% really is great! I asked about In-Virto Maturation and he said they would try with the other 3 eggs. 

So, as much as I was disappointed by the number of eggs retrieved and overwhelmed by the whole blood pressure thing, I was happy to hear about the fertilization. 

We got home this evening around 5:00 and my MiL brought our dogs home to us and joined us for dinner. I still feel pretty full and uncomfortable and am sure I have at least a little OHSS, but I am okay. I'm going to try to work tomorrow but will see how I feel when I get up/as the day progresses. I really need to make some money and work since I have taken off so much time lately. 

I joked to W that I've had two near death experiences (sliding off the road in the snow and really low blood pressure after retrieval) already this cycle. Hopefully everything else will be smooth sailing from this point forward.

My transfer is still scheduled for Saturday at this point and we will head down Friday night and possibility stay the weekend in the city now that we have our own apartment to stay in. 

Tomorrow I will hear again how things are progressing and hopefully it will be more good news. Things have definitely been crazy this time, but I know it will all be worth it if we end up pregnant. Either way, there nothing else we can do but hold on and try to enjoy the ride. 

Hoping it Helps

The biopsy today wasn't fun at all. I had one done previously but it was so long ago I must have blocked it from my memory. The NP at my office did the biopsy and although it was over quickly, it was rough.

I actually broke out in a full sweat during/immediately after. I stayed reclined for about 5-10 minutes and then felt better. I had a bunch of cramping for quite a while after. W brought me home flowers which was super sweet. 

I'm not sure it's something I would do again but hopefully it won't be necessary. I have a really good feeling about this cycle. 

The local pharmacist knows me well and I asked today about the Neupogen. She wrote a script to see if my insurance would cover it and it was approved for only 50 bucks. We will see when the actual script goes through, but that would be amazing. 

I looked more closely at my calendar and saw they had me on Crinone and two different antibiotics at some point prior to the transfer. I emailed the nurse today and we changed it to PIO and she told me one of the antibiotics will be done as a vaginal suppository. That's definitely different. Has anyone ever heard if that? The drug is called clindamycin. 

My next appointment is Thursday for blood work and a sono. Otherwise, just making it through another work week. I'm going to yoga for fertility with a friend tomorrow and then we are going to dinner after. I take my last birth control pill tonight! 

4dp6dt FET #3

First off, I'm a bit confused. The embryos we transferred we frozen on day 6. Does this make it a 6 day transfer? I don't think so because they were at a day 5 point when they were frozen. If anyone has any insight, please enlighten me. 

This weekend was amazingly relaxing and fantastic. Our friends C&J came over Friday night with their little girl E who will be 2 tomorrow. We had a nice dinner and watched some of the opening ceremonies for the olympics. E got a little whiney and needed some distracting. W is so great with her and took her outside for a little walk around our yard. It was so cute to look outside and see them sitting in the grass talking together. He's going to be such a great daddy. 

On Saturday W went into Syracuse with his Dad to free our new boat from their garage. That's right, my in-law's have an antique wooden boat that is just sitting in their garage. They are giving it to us. It will need a little bit of work but should be functioning just fine. It's going to be so nice since we are about a 5 minute walk to a marina on the lake where we could keep it. 

I laid around and read my book as well as took a nap while W was gone. On Saturday night we went to see Ted and it was pretty darn funny. There were lots of fart jokes that went over well. I saw a preview for The Odd Life of Timothy Green and definitely shed a tear or two. If you haven't seen the trailer, click HERE. I challenge you not to cry. 

Today we slept in and then headed over to the in-law's lake house. We sat in the sun, swam, and read a whole bunch. I've been reading a lot and really enjoying the step away from the T.V. That's not to say we haven't been watching the Olympics, but we've been reading before bed more consistently than watching T.V. 

I got the masochistic urge to POAS today. W doesn't want me to so I didn't tell him. No matter how long I looked at it or how much I wanted it to be positive, it was definitely negative. I think I'm good on testing for a bit. 

As far as symptoms go, my boobs are crazy sore! I switched to a different PIO this week and am thinking that was it. I switched pharmacies a while ago but was using old progesterone. This week I started one that it compounded instead and that seems to correspond with the new soreness. I'm peeing a lot but that's also related to progesterone. Some small cramps here and there, but also probably from the progesterone. Today I was a little moody and couldn't be reasoned with but who knows what that is all about. I've been tired, but also probably the progesterone. I'm still trying to be positive, but the pee stick didn't help. I know it's still early though so I'll try to put that out of my mind. 

Fighting the Good Fight

The Hysterosonogram is done. It wasn't fun and it was worse than I remembered. But it's done and I'm happy for that. First I was taken to the room where they do the dye test. At my old clinic this was something they did while I was knocked out for a lap surgery so I have zero recollection. It also was done at the hospital. My new clinic has the machine right there. I guess they also do the hysterosonogram test in that room. They took my blood and had me undress from the waist down and lie on the table. The nurse then told me she was going to put in the speculum and catheter. I'm not sure if she is missing a vagina or what, but she didn't seem to have the angle right. It took her a few painful tries but she finally got it in. The painful speculum experience was new. Uncomfortable? Sure. But headed in the wrong direction and painful? New. She then inserted the catheter which was accompanied with a little cramping but nothing bad. And then she left the room to get the doc.

Laying on a bed with a catheter in you all alone and waiting for someone is fun. It was Dr. Greene again (the RE who did my retrieval and transfer) and he apologized for how things worked out previously. What was different this time around is they also inserted a balloon with the catheter. He coached me on deep yoga breathing prior to starting and then told me to start breathing deep. As soon as he inflated the thing the cramping was pretty bad. He had the nurse snap some still photos and then it was done. 

He told me everything looked great. No polyps, no fibroids, and no possible explanation for the chemical. He had me lie there for another 5 minutes and then the nurse came back and I got dressed. I remembered at that time I wanted to ask him about progesterone (IM vs suppositories). He was happy to talk to me and gave me a detailed explanation that I accept. I don't remember all of the small points and I'm not sure you don't really care that much. Short and simple, for women under 35 studies show that the suppositories are more successful and effective. They lead to much higher progesterone levels in the uterus when endometrial biopsies are performed, regardless of what the blood levels indicate. Also, using the suppositories can help to determine when the placenta has taken over and when the suppositories can be stopped since the levels start to climb by quite a bit. I was satisfied. He then patted/rubbed my back, apologized for our chemical pregnancy, and told me to "Keep fighting the good fight." I've never really thought of it as a good fight, but I'll sure keep fighting.

I thought my period was done but today's fun adventure in infertility land brought it back out. It's mostly just spotting at this point, but annoying that it's back.

I found out today that one of the families I work with is pregnant. They didn't tell me, but told the special education teacher. They already have 2 boys and are both 24 years old. I guess she is concerned it is twins since her levels are high. The worst part? She is 6 weeks pregnant (one week earlier than what I could have been). Now I get to watch her announce her pregnancy early, complain about it, and proceeding to have a baby before me. Sure, pregnancy is common in my job. I work with young children so their parents are popping out more like it's going out of style. I can think of two other families where the mom is pregnant right now. It doesn't normally bother me, but the timing of this stings a bit. 

Also on Facebook I have a friend who posted a positive digital test the same week I got mine. To have the confidence to post a positive test on Facebook when you first get it is insane to me. She posted today complaining about morning sickness and then again later saying her first ultrasound is next week. I just can't fathom this confidence and nonchalance towards pregnancy. I'm insanely jealous of these two people who are going to have successful pregnancies and bring home babies in October. 

The past two days haven't been the greatest. The reality of still trudging through infertility waters has hit a little harder. I'm so ready to be through it all and to move on. To get pregnant and stay pregnant. To have a baby and not worry about taking an insane amount of meds, monitoring appointments, blood work, uncomfortable procedures, and jealousy. Until I get there though, I will continue to "fight the good fight." 

Back Up and Ready for More Punches

Remember those punching bag inflatable things from when you were a kid? The bottom was filled with sand and the rest with air. I remember getting one for Easter one year. I think it was a bunny and I remember feeling bad hitting it too hard. I'm sure you can figure where I'm going with this. That punching bag that quickly pops back up? Yeah, that's what I feel like.

I've recently taken some harder hits than I threw as a kid. But, I'm back up and ready for some more abuse. I'm just hoping I don't pop anytime soon.

Today was an insanely long day. My appointment was at 7:30 and after I had to drop off paperwork at my boss' house. From there I saw 8 kids for therapy. There was a meeting thrown in there as well and a cancellation I wasn't informed of, so I still drove all the way to the daycare. I came home and took a nice nap on the couch.

My appointment was fine today. They drew blood and checked all of my levels: progesterone (0.6), estrogen (<20), LH (.47), TSH (2.45) FSH (4.1), and HCG (4.1). I asked about polyps and that being a possible factor in a chemical pregnancy. The NP said she didn't see any on ultrasound. I then informed her that I had them in the past and that they were only visible with the hysterosonogram. She asked if that was something I was interested in repeating and I said it was. 

I was given the all clear to start estrogen today since my HCG level was low enough. I am supposed to take it 3x's/day. With my last frozen transfer I took it once a day and remember it made me pretty nauseous. I hope it is better this time around. I also start back up on baby aspirin and dexamethasone. It was a nice 4 days off. 

I have another appointment this Thursday to recheck my HCG levels and to do the hysterosonogram. I am hoping I don't have any polyps, but I need to do this for my own peace of mind. I have another appointment for the following Wednesday where they will check my lining and I will do intralipids. It is an IV and takes about an hour and a half. W is requesting the afternoon off from work so he can be there to keep me company. From there, as long as everything looks good we can schedule the transfer. The NP today a possible day could be the 19th. Looks like I will be spending some of my 2WW in Mexico. Yes please!

Surviving the ice age

Today my clinic will thaw and culture my embryos. I am scared and nervous, but hopeful and excited as well. Our transfer is tomorrow at 9:30 and we don't know yet how many embryos we will be putting back. 

I have been on progesterone for almost a week now. My butt is sore but it is getting better and more tolerable. Placing the vial of progesterone in hot water for about 5 minutes prior to the shot helps the progesterone to move more quickly. No big lumps or knots yet so I am thankful for that. 

If you could please send warm multiplying and dividing thoughts to my embryos today, we would all appreciate it. Thanks!!

And now, introducing, our beautiful embryos. I'm sure they'll look a bit different after the thaw but this was them in July. They were frozen on day 3.

Changes

Leave it to my body to make up its own mind about things. I can't expect everything to go according to plan, can I?

I woke up to the tiniest bit of spotting. By 9:15 I was bleeding. By 10:00 I was ready to confirm it was my period. By 10:30 I was on the phone with my RE asking him if he still wanted me to come to my appointment tomorrow. Yeah, I made a lot of trips to the bathroom today. 

He said that the bleeding wasn't likely anything to be too concerned about, but that it may change our plans. Yeah, it definitely will. 

I'm bummed that things are going to change. There is a slim to zero chance we will be doing our FET on December 5th. 

On the other hand, I'm glad AF finally showed. I've NEVER skipped my period before, although I've had some cycles in the 40 day range. Today is 48 days since my D&C and hysteroscopy. It is 15 days since my last progesterone pill, so it is hard to say what is going on. 

When I was planning on a December 5th transfer I didn't think it was going to work. I didn't understand why I would skip my period for the first time ever and then transfer embryos something like 60 days later and expect them to hang around. I just wanted to complete this cycle regardless of the outcome. To move on and move forward from the IVF cycle from hell. 

I started Lupron for my original round of IVF last January. I never made it to stims. In July I started stims but never made it to transfer. I am SO READY to complete this IVF cycle already.

The fact that I actually started my period gives me hope and makes me much more optimistic for the success of this FET.  

I still have my appointment at 9:00 tomorrow. I'm hoping we can come up with a new plan that doesn't put us back by much. We had been considering 11/11 CD 1, so today is only 11 days after that. I would really like to complete 1 IVF cycle in 2011. Is that asking too much?

Monday

Did you know I'm glad today is Monday? I'm glad because Dr. S is going to call me and I'm going to get some answers. You guessed it, no AF yet.

I'm not glad the weekend is over and the workweek is starting. 

My sanity hit it's worst point Saturday night when I posted. I am feeling more under control now (as under control as I can feel about a situation that is out of my control). I calmed down and spent Sunday still wishing for AF to arrive but feeling less anxious about it all. 

We starting drawing lines, measuring and taping up the bedroom walls to paint. We are painting another design. Can you say huge time investment? Sounds like a great distraction!

Took another HPT this morning and got another negative. Bummer. 

Can I tell you how hard it is to see everyone who I cycled with in the past get through their first trimester, prepare their nursery, buy baby things, and then prepare for the delivery of a baby? Heck, I'm still just preparing for my period. I feel like everyone is leaps and bounds ahead of me.  

Adoption came up this weekend. There is some event this Friday in Syracuse for families who are adopting and both W and I looked at each other and considered it. I may attend and get more information. It sucks we have reached this point....

2 weeks from today we have our appointment with Dr. K (who will from now on be known as Dr. Gere due to his striking resemblance to Richard Gere. I am looking forward to getting a second opinion.

Dr. K

Richard Gere.
See the resemblance?

I'm losing it

No changes. I'm still waiting on AF to show. Okay, maybe there are some changes. My mental status has gone from slightly insane to entirely off the deep end. I'm more anxious and stressed than when I last posted. This probably isn't helping to make AF show. I'm stressed that I'm stressing too much. Ahhh...  get the idea yet?

I've been having cramping on and off and it feels like AF is going to start. My boobs still are unchanged and don't feel sore, but my skin is still breaking out. I've been short on patience and snapped a few times at the hubby. I'm confused, frustrated, anxious, and pissed. 

I went back and my blog entries about my previous experiences with Provera/Prometrium. The first time I took Provera and got AF while still on it. The second time I took Prometrium and got AF the day after stopping. This time we are 5 days later and it's not looking good. 

The worst part?? I got anxious on Friday and called my clinic. I was told Dr. S was in emergency surgery and was put through to a nurse so I left a message. I planned to ask at what point I should get concerned about not getting AF after taking the Prometrium and ask questions about my concerns. In the time I waited for a return call I used the bathroom and saw some spotting. The first and only spotting I have had.

 I was so overly excited to see any blood I assumed it was the start of my period. Usually my period starts that way and within a few hours it is full flow. The nurse called me back and I changed my plan and told her instead that it was CD 1. 

I then asked her which protcol Dr. S decided to use for my upcoming FET. She told me she couldn't reveal that information. She also couldn't tell me whether to start the estrogen or not and could only leave a message for Dr. S to call me Monday afternoon.  

I have another number for Dr.S so used it and planned to leave a message. To my surprise he answered the phone and I talked quickly to him. He wasn't able to tell me which protocol he decided since he didn't have my chart in front of him. So basically the conversation didn't go anywhere except that he was leaning towards using a Lupron protcol. He said he would call me on Monday afternoon and let me know.

The spotting didn't turn into bleeding and I haven't seen anything since. I'm going crazy. My anxiety is sky high and it's not helping anything. Today is CD 38, 5 days after my last Prometrium pill, and 1 day after I lied to my RE and said I was on CD 1. Oh man, everything feels so out of control right now!

I'm thinking seriously about an acupuncture or massage session tomorrow so I don't end up in the loony bin by next week.

Oh yeah, negative HPT today so definitely not pregnant. 

Strength

Sometimes when I don't update for a while, I don't even know where to start. I lot has happened, but nothing all that exciting. I started Prometrium (progesterone) on Monday and today will be day 3/7. I also did a HPT yesterday at 10 DPO and it was negative. It's amazing how the first week of the 2WW is all positivity and hopes, and the second week brings you back down to reality. Let's be honest, of the 5 eggs that were allowed to fertilize naturally during my IVF cycle (with exceptional sperm) only 1 did. The chances of me ovulating from the right side and that egg being fertilized? Not so great

Creepy Prometrium pills

I have been feeling really anxious about my upcoming FET cycle. There are so many unknowns at this point. When will I get my period? Will we be able to do the transfer this month? Will the transfer be around Thanksgiving? Will Dr. S decided to put me on Lupron and make this process even longer than it has been? Will I have fluid again? Will the estrogen lead to polyps again? I just wish I had my crystal ball. How does one not feel anxious after 5 months (retrieval was in July)? 

Last spring I decided I wanted to expand myself professionally. I work as a speech pathologist in early intervention. Typically children don't come to me until there are a little under 2 and not talking. It is rare that I get a child on my caseload who is younger. Since I don't have any babies and there are babies who receive early intervention services, I looked into how I could expand to include younger children. I found out that a lot of children need help with feeding/eating so I went and took a continuing education course on feeding therapy and babies. The course was great and I learned a lot. This was really my first true exposure to feeding and swallowing in pediatrics. 

Well, no feeding cases came along until late this summer a little boy D needed help. They decided to put me on the case after my request and I started seeing him last week. He just turned 1 but presents as an infant. He likely has cerebral palsy and has had numerous seizures. The physical therapist is working on head control with him and he is tiny, so he really looks more like a 2 month old. To be honest, just handling him was different for me. I've never really been around a baby like that. 

I went to his daycare provider's house this week. I observed her feeding him and talked to her. I asked a lot of questions and tried feeding him. I probably didn't come across as the most confident person on the matter since this was my first real exposure outside of the classroom.

The next day the parents called and asked for a different provider with more experience. It's true, I'm trying to get the experience and I don't really have much. I look super young (probably under 20) and I guess I just rubbed the daycare provider the wrong way. 

This lead to me being pulled from another feeding case I was just assigned. In a way I was relived that I didn't have to face the (possible) rejection again since my confidence was shaken. But, it really didn't make me look good professionally. 

After much thought and some tears I decided to put this on the back burner. I would love to get more babies on my caseload, but I'm not that confident feeding them, especially when they are really involved. 

On my drive home I called W and started crying. I said I feel like I can't do what I really want (have a baby) and if I'm no good at my job, that what am I good at? I could tell he felt really badly for me and tried to reassure me that I am great at other things. And to be honest, I am good at the parts of my job I do regularly. 

Going through infertility has changed me. Deep down, my confidence in myself is diminished. When something happens either personally or professionally I don't handle it well. I've always been a sensitive person and do tend to overreact, but now its to new levels. I allow something stupid to affect me for days, further crushing my self imagine. So my decision for now is to not push the issue with work. I will stick to what I know I can do well and perhaps extend myself again when I am in a better place personally. I am not strong enough to put myself out there personally and professionally at this time. 

I'm starting to realize that people can only take so much. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on with fertility treatments and my full time job with children. It's hard to stay strong and put a smile on your face every day, and it's even harder when things aren't going well. If there's something positive to come from this, I know I am a stronger person for the things I have been through. Even though I know I will come out of this a stronger person, I'm not exactly in a strong place right now. 

Becoming a more patient person

My doc called today while I was in the middle of a therapy session. As soon as my phone rang I excused myself. I felt bad just getting up and leaving for 15 minutes, but there was no way I was missing another call from him. He apologized for not calling back sooner as he was out sick Monday and Tuesday. 

Dr. S talked about the results of the biopsy. He first talked about the proliferative endometrium and said that although it was concerning, but there was nothing we were going to do about it at this time. When I told him I had only been on the progesterone one day he said that it may not have been enough time. I asked about how my progesterone levels got so high during the IVF cycle and he said that is in the blood and that my endometrium may be different. Without doing a biopsy the only thing you can do is measure the blood levels of progesterone and go by what you see on ultrasound. 

He then talked about the traces of the polyp that were found. He was surprised since he had done a sonohysterogram (SHG) in Dec and didn't see anything then. He said that they don't often pop up in a short amount of time and that there is no real reason why this would happen. He said if I had been on estrogen the entire time without exposure to progesterone, that could cause a polyp, but it isn't the case with me. The only thing that could explain why we didn't see anything with the first SHG was because it wasn't done on the high resolution ultrasound machine at their office. He wants to do another SHG on the high resolution machine and see whether we see something. He said it is rare to miss polyps on a SHG because they light right up. If we do find a polyp we will likely do a hysteroscopy. He didn't want to go there immediately because it means surgery and he doesn't want to subject me to unnecessary surgery.  

Doing another SHG means having to schedule with the ultrasound technician and my RE. He said he would try to do it before going out of town next week, but he wasn't sure about scheduling. 

The receptionist called me a few hours later to tell me they won't be able to get me in before Dr. S goes out of town next week. They will have the nurse call me next week to schedule. I was disappointed at first, but at least now we have a plan in place. I am hoping we will be able to schedule it for the Monday when he is back. Until then, I guess I just continue taking BCP's and crossing off the days on the calendar. 

We are looking at the week of the 12th for the HSG. If they find something, who knows when they would do the hysteroscopy. Looks like September is likely out for the FET. The hardest part about that is that my EDD for the miscarriage is September 30th. I really thought I was going to be pregnant again by the time that rolled around. 

Things haven't been easy the past couple of months. W said the other night that he wants a list of all the potential problems we could encounter and once we cross them all off then we know we will get pregnant. It really seems like one roadblock after another and that is something can go wrong it will. I'm starting to become more patient and understanding with this. There is really nothing I can do about it, and feeling badly about it all the time doesn't help. I'm tying to distract myself and focus on other things, but it is hard. 

I made a realization about friends lately as well. If we find a nice couple to hang out with (usually they are married), they are either pregnant or they already have a baby. As much as I like them, it is hard to spend tons of time gushing about their babies. There is no "safe" couple to spend time with these days. That means I am hanging out with younger people who are more at the partying stage of their lives. This isn't a great influence on being healthy and making good decisions. I feel like I just can't relate to any friends right now. 

A few months ago I made an appointment with the other RE in the area. I am happy with the care I receive with Dr. S. I am happy he knows who I am and takes the time to call me personally and talk for 45 minutes if needed. I am happy with the treatment as well as decisions made to this point, but at times I do feel like Dr. S is overly conservative about things. I'm not really displeased in any major way, but the price is a huge consideration. The other RE (Dr.K) has package deals, and they have one package deal I am considering. I have an appointment scheduled with him coming up in September. I never thought it would get here so quickly and I had previously hoped I wouldn't need it when I made it in June. Now I am faced with canceling the appointment and sticking with Dr. S for now until we at least complete an IVF cycle, or seeing the other doc and finding out what he has to say. I feel like my case has been so complicated it will be hard for the new doc to follow it all. Also, I have to get my file to the new doc and that means notifying my current office and making them think I'm not happy with the care I receive. Is there really any point in seeing another doc if we can't even get out of the starting blocks with my current doc?

Any advice? 

Biopsy Results

I have a new idea for any doctors. Never call your patients on Friday afternoon and leave a message.

On Friday I missed a call from my RE and he left a message. Really?? A message on at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon with no hope of any conversation until Monday. 

And then? He was out sick on Monday.

On the message he said he had the pathology results of the endometrial biopsy. The biopsy revealed a small fragment of benign polyp and a proliferative endometrium (no progesterone effect). He said we will have to address the polyp as it could interfere with implantation. He was also surprised that he was seeing no progesterone affect as he thought I had been on it at least 2 days. I had actually only done one shot and it was fewer than 24 prior to the biopsy. He said that I could be progesterone resistant as some women with PCOS are. He is not sure, but this is something he will have to look at. He ended the call by saying we would have a further discussion Monday over the phone about it. 

I left a message yesterday both at the clinic (the nurse is out this week) and on his "academic" line that is a direct line to his personal voicemail. I guess I will have to keep my phone glued to me today.

Upon consulting Dr. Google, it seems that removal of polyps usually entails a hysteroscopy and D&C. Any personal experiences from anyone out there with polyps?

I really just want to have a plan in place and hopefully be able to execute the plan prior to my RE leaving for 10 days on Sep 1st. In a sense I like to think that dealing with this issue will make the fluid no longer be an issue. I know it will mean more time before we are able to do the transfer. Why does it feel like I am the only one standing still on this journey lately?

Hopefully I will talk to Dr. S today and have some answers and a plan in place. I will update when I do. 

Letting go of control

So I didn't hear from my RE or the nurse yesterday. We went for a long walk with the dogs and I kept waiting for the phone to ring. Actually, my phone doesn't ring anymore. The ringer died a few months ago and now it only vibrates. I am waiting to upgrade to the new iPhone when it finally comes out. The anxiety of having my phone so close and waiting for a call isn't fun. I'm still yet to miss a call though, so I guess my phone is doing the job.

Since I didn't hear last night I changed my estrogen patches (Vivelle) and upped the dose to 4. My belly is now covered in patches. Today I had a dull headache most of the day, but this tends to accompany an increase in dosage.

Again today I waited for the call. I can't say I had my phone on me all day, but I checked it multiple times. Around 3:00 I left a message for the nurse. She called me back around 4:00. I just asked her what was going on. She said we are still on for the transfer on Monday. I am supposed to start progesterone PIO's on Thursday and the Dexamathasone on Friday. I asked about the fluid and she said my RE acknowledged it but wasn't concerned. It was a much smaller pocket of fluid so he is still planning the transfer. She said he would be able to avoid the fluid when placing the embryos, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked if the fluid could increase and she said most likely it will decrease or go away. She also said the fluid may just be something I have mid-cycle and something we may not be able to avoid.

I felt a need to call my RE and discuss this with him. As much as I want to do the transfer, I want the best chances.

I went to my fertility yoga class tonight. There were 3 new people there and myself. The instructor didn't show up so they ended up canceling the class. I sat in the waiting room area and chatted with the other women for a little bit. The receptionist gave me 2 free passes for future classes and then offered up acupuncture for free to all of us. Ummm... yes please! It was the same guy as the one who did my session prior to the transfer last month. He asked for the update and talked to me for a bit. He did a relaxation session and within 3 minutes of getting the needles in, I felt amazing. I love acupuncture, especially when it is free. He made me more relaxed about the fluid and said they would cancel it if needed so that if they are planning to do the transfer, I should have confidence in the decisions made. He told me to stay relaxed and warm until the transfer and I scheduled appointments for before and after my transfer on Monday. He reset all of my feelings and brought me back down to where I was last month. I really needed a reminder of how I can only control so much and have to leave the important decisions up to others.

The transfer is scheduled for Monday at 2:30. I need to find a way to stay relaxed and calm about everything. I'm not sure if I will call my RE to talk about the fluid or not.

Now I just need to make it through this week. I will be PUPO next week! I am really starting to get excited. I need to remind myself that I can only control so much. I will do my best to make good and healthy decisions and control my body and state of mind to the best of my ability. The rest is out of my hands.

IVF #1 CD 25, Putting myself back together

I haven't posted on my blog in over a week. I needed to step away and pull myself together before I could write again. The disappointment of the way things turned out was overwhelming and it's taken me some time to get myself back into an OK place. I haven't been great about commenting on blogs, and I haven't had much to say on my own blog. It was so hard to feel like I did everything in my power for success and just ended up with some really bad luck. 

My thoughts have been all over the place since last Friday. I got up early last Monday in order to get my HCG and progesterone levels checked again. My HCG was 11 so it was definitely going down and the fluid is still unexplained. On the plus side my progesterone was over 100 which means the PIO worked well for me. My RE thinks the fluid was likely a reaction from my endometrium to the meds, but isn't sure why it happened. He said the drugs don't only stimulate your ovaries but they also stimulate your fallopian tubes and uterus. My lining was at 14 a few days before the transfer which is the thickest I have known it to be outside of when I was pregnant.  I can't tell you how scared I am for my next period.

By that afternoon I called my RE. We spoke on the phone for an hour and I discussed with him my future options and concerns. W and I had been thinking about just skipping the FET and doing another fresh IVF cycle, as were concerned mainly about the financial aspects. After talking to my RE I found out the FET will only be the cost of the meds which are pretty cheap. I paid for an IVF cycle and the cost includes a transfer, so there will be no additional cost for the FET. Even if we had to pay, our clinic only charges $500 for a FET. 

In a sense doing the FET will allow me to feel like we completed the cycle and didn't waste the money. It will give me closure and make me feel like we gave our embryos the best chance for success. I imagine a future where I tell my child that he/she was frozen in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen.  

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this FET working, even though I would love it to. I know the success rates for frozen transfers are lower and my embryos were slow to develop all along. In addition, they were frozen on day 3. Going into the IVF cycle I had been optimistic and the real thought of getting pregnant existed. Once again I feel really far away from being pregnant. 

When I talked with my RE I asked him some questions. He did say that the fact that only one egg fertilized naturally and divided was definitely significant. I've come to accept the fact that infertility for me isn't going to be a day trip, it is a journey around the world. I thought and hoped that Clomid would work for me or that IUI's would be successful. I thought I would get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage, or that I would get pregnant with twins on my first round of IVF. In reality I thought it would all be much easier than it has been. I know I will come out on the other side of all of this a stronger and more grateful person, but the journey has been much bumpier than I ever imagined. 

Dave and all the ladies

My sister's wedding was this weekend, and to be honest, I was glad to not be PUPO. I had to give a speech and was super nervous about that. I was able to stress without more stress (if that makes any sense) and was able to drink, hang out late and really enjoy myself. We were up until 3 last night and I had such a fantastic time. My speech went well and I got some good laughs. My sister looked beautiful and they were so happy together. Listening to the ceremony and the vows definitely made me tear up and think about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other. 

beautiful bride

As we drove home W and I talked about how I thought I was going to be super pregnant at Kate's wedding. The fact that the EDD for my miscarriage is coming up and I don't feel any closer to being pregnant is upsetting. 

My speech (I don't look as nervous as I felt)

Kate and I after the wedding. We look SO much alike in this photo

My RE kept me on progesterone support in hopes that I will shed everything with my next period (including whatever was in my uterus prior to transfer). He switched me from PIO to Prometrium and I took the last pill this morning. I am now waiting for my next period and will have another ultrasound once I stop bleeding. The FET is potentially only a few weeks away so I am excited about that. Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize for not being a better blogger. 

IVF #1 CD 16 (cancelled transfer)

Today absolutely sucked. I don't understand why my body won't cooperate and things always go wrong. I am so incredibly bummed and spent much of the afternoon crying/napping in bed. I had to keep myself together for hours since I was with my MIL, so literally the second I walked in the door I started bawling. 

We arrived on time for the transfer and although my RE was a little late, he got there and we were able to look at the embryos and make a decision as to how many/which ones we were going to transfer. We picked the best 3 (one was 6 cells, and 2 were 4 celled and all were rated 4/5.) I had taken my Valium and was plenty relaxed. 

We got into the transfer room and they got me all gowned up and covered in sterile sheets. They then called the ultrasound technician to come in. She got the abdominal probe ready and puts it over my abdomen. Immediately she says, "What that?" She and my RE decided they need a better look with the vaginal probe and my RE puts it in. Like I said before, he is NOT gentle with it. He zooms in and they all agree it looks like an early gestational sac. They then called the other RE from the practice, the embryologist, and another nurse into the room. They were all amazed by what they saw and decided I need to take a pregnancy urine test and go upstairs to the higher resolution ultrasound machine to get a better picture/idea as to what was going on. 

The urine test is negative. 

The ultrasound reveals 3 areas of fluid in my uterus and they draw my blood for another pregnancy test. The ultrasound technician is able to get a measurement on the one round spot in my uterus and it measures ~4w4d. 

I talk to my RE again and he says he will get the results of the blood pregnancy test and that I should come back in 2 hours so we can talk about it. My MIL and I went and got lunch and returned a little after 3. They made the decision to freeze all embryos since there wasn't a great chance for success with something in my uterus of unknown origin. 

The HCG results were 43. This is likely residual from the trigger, especially since it would be impossible to see an early gestational sac with such a low HCG level. My RE said he will treat it for the weekend as if it were a pregnancy, but it is highly unlikely. I am supposed to continue the progesterone and return Monday for another HCG. Regardless, this number is far too low for what it should be if I were pregnant. 

All in all, we froze the embryos and he wants to keep me on progesterone (probably pill form after Monday's results) in order to be sure I have a good bleed after and get rid of everything in my uterus. We will plan to do a FET next cycle. 

I can't believe I didn't even get to the transfer. I am SO disappointed in my body and am starting to wonder whether this is ever going to happen for us. My RE said I have not followed any of the textbooks and he will take my case to a panel of doctors next week to discuss it.

Today seriously sucked and I am so bummed. I know that freezing and not transferring was the best decision and none of the other doctors consulted said they had ever seen this happen. There wasn't any fluid there Sunday. I just wish my body wouldn't repeatedly fail me. 

IVF #1 CD 6 (PIO vs endometrin, and 3 vs 5 day transfer)

So this morning I got up bright and early and headed out to my appointment. I realize I need to shoot to leave at 6:45 rather than 7, because I got there a little late. The office was quite busy and it took longer than I had expected. 

The ultrasound went fine and the tech actually said to me "We've seen a lot of each other over the past year." Yeah, that's an understatement! I've completely lost count of how many dates with "wandy" I have had at this point. I watched as she measured away. She didn't seem to measure many follicles on the left side, but there were a bunch on the right. I left sure that my dosage of Gonal-F would be upped. 

Since the regular nurse was out today I got a personal phone call from my RE this afternoon with the updates. Our conversation lasted 35 minutes and allowed me to ask a bunch of questions. He said I had "at least 8 good follicles." They were all around the same size and he said I am responding well. My estradiol level was 249, up from around 20 on Friday. He wants to keep me on the same dosage (150 units of Gonal-F) and to come back Friday for a repeat sono and blood work. 

I got the opportunity to ask about 3 vs 5 day transfers. I wasn't sure if the clinic even did 5 day transfers and my RE said it all depends on the number of embryos. The pro is that the embryos are heartier for 5 day transfers. It also gives a better opportunity to minimize the number of embryos. The con is that if we wait too long the embryos could arrest and we could be left with nothing to transfer on day 5. Dr. S said the literature states that the take home baby rates of both 3 and 5 day transfers are about the same. So, unless we have a large number of embryos we would be better off with a 3 day transfer. 

We also spoke about the number of embryos to transfer. He said the biggest factors were the age of the recipient and the quality of the embryos. Before the transfer we will have a better opportunity to discuss our odds given our specific embryos. 

I asked about progesterone. Last cycle my legs broke out in hives from the endometrin. I'm not sure why this happened since when I was pregnant I was on endometrin and didn't have any problems. As soon as I stopped it last cycle the hives disappeared. He said it is possible I developed an allergy to something in the tablet and that in rare cases people develop allergies to progesterone. He didn't seem to think this was the case, but said I may be better off with the PIO instead. I have also read that a lot of RE's prefer PIO for IVF cycles. Dr. S said it all depends on personal preference. For those of you who have done both, what is your preference???

Workin' Fool

Today marks two years that I have been working as a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) in my current job. I graduated with my master's two years ago and starting working less than a month after. I love my job and am constantly grateful for a rewarding, challenging, and well-paying job. My benefits are great (minus covering IVF), and my surgeries, ultrasounds, appointments, and medications have been (mostly) covered. As a great addition, W starting working this week. I can't even begin to express the huge financial weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. It's not exactly the weight of the world, but you get the idea. I can look forward to working less and letting him make some mortgage payments. The great part is we bought a house we can afford on one income, so when I finally do get my take-home baby, I can work as little or as much as I want (emphasis on the little part).

To be honest, I never thought I would work this long without at least being pregnant. Not that working for 2 years is that long, it's just that it wasn't my plan. Part of why I took my current job was the fact that I make my own hours and schedule and can determine how busy I want to be. Sounds perfect for someone with a young child, doesn't it? You don't have to tell me! Oh well, good thing I like it.

I want to ask for a raise but am not sure how to go about it. We don't have performance reviews and I basically only correspond with my boss (that one who does the business aspects) through email and rare phone calls. I think I may ask for a performance review and would only ask for a small increase, but feel nervous about it. Any suggestions?

On the IF front, I will start Lupron in a little over a week. Time has been going by relatively fast lately between being insanely busy with work and getting ready for our party on Saturday. I am supposed to call the nurse tomorrow to give her an inventory of my remaining meds. I got a cycle's worth of IVF meds for free from fertility lifelines about 7 months ago. We used most of a 900 IU Gonal-F pen last month for the IUI, but have 3 more pens, Menopur, and a Lupron kit (minus one dose). I will need an HCG trigger, more Lupron, and probably another Gonal-F 900 pen. I am pretty sure my insurance will help with the Lupron and know it will for the HCG, but am not sure about the Gonal-F. My insurance does cover IUI's but I'm not sure if they also cover injectables. The Clomid was cheap and covered, so hopefully it will be the same with Gonal-F. I will ask the nurse about donated meds since that is how I got the Lupron last time. We will see. I can't wait to get this cycle started since doing nothing feels crappy. At least when I am doing something, I feel closer to the end goal. No one likes being in limbo, really they only like playing it.

Doesn't that look like fun? 

My only question/debate at this point involves progesterone. Last cycle (with my IUI) I ended up breaking out in hives and I'm pretty sure it was due to the progesterone. I'm not sure why since when I was pregnant I took it 3x's/day for 4 weeks without any problem. This time after about 4-5 days of starting my legs got these itchy bumps that spread and got worse with time. As soon as I stopped the progesterone they went away. I will mention it to the nurse and see what she says. 

What goes up....

Makes a huge mess of your underwear and leads to embarrassing moments. Well, me and my progesterone have been getting along fine until today when it lead to some embarrassment. I was pretty busy all day with work and didn't get the chance to stop at a restroom as I was running late to see a few clients. I asked at one house to use the bathroom and they were fine with it. I realized I needed to change my panty liner but didn't really want to leave the old one in their garbage in case they wondered about it later (they probably wouldn't even notice, but I guess I am weird that way.) Well I wrapped the old one up in the new packaging and put it in my pocket. I didn't really think to take it out right away and went on with my day. 

I got to the next house and it was a babysitter's house. I have been going here about 3x's/week for about a year and a half so know the provider well. I got my stuff out and we were sitting at the table when Tami (the babysitter) said "I think this fell out of your bag." Well, it wasn't something I immediately recognized so I was like, "what the heck is that?" I realized as soon as she brought it closer to me exactly what it was and got embarrassed as I shoved it back in my pocket. She made a joke about it and was fine, but I felt flustered to say the least.

I have had many more moments that ranked higher on the most embarrassing list, but this wasn't a great end to my day. The top on the list are the time W and I were "caught" by a canoer having sex while on a camping trip, and the time I spent the night at a college friend's house and his dog brought my tampon wrapper to the dinner table only to have his Dad hold it up and wonder aloud what it was to everyone.