Updates

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Due to having shared my blog with friends and family, I've been hesitant to share what's been going on. But, I've decided I need to get this off my chest. 

I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on January 7th. They did an ultrasound and there was a large cyst on my left ovary (the ovary without a tube). Having had a positive ovulation test the week prior I assumed it was a corpus luteum cyst from ovulation. The ultrasound technician said it was hard to tell what kind of cyst she was looking at, but if I thought I had ovulated it was possible it was a corpus luteum cyst. I talked with my dr after the ultrasound. I was meeting with him because my cycle the prior month had been 62 days and I felt like a hormonal nightmare. He said he didn't feel like I needed to do anything specific, but he was happy to offer progesterone to help regulate my cycles. I told him that I had started taking Pregnitude (a myo-inositol and folic acid supplement) I had leftover from my IVF cycle with Lucy and Clara and felt like it was really helping with my moods and to shorten my cycles. 

I left the appointment feeling positive. I was feeling like my moods were better, my cycles were shortening, and I was tuned in enough to my body to have an idea of what was going on. Based on my ovulation test and ultrasound it seemed I ovulated the week prior on CD 16. That was way better than the prior month. Maybe the myo-inositol was helping. 

The next day I started to feel like taking another ovulation test was worth taking. Having been clued into my body and how I was feeling, I thought I was showing signs of ovulation. Within a minute of taking the test I had a super dark and obvious positive test. Compared to the week prior, it was a much more convincingly positive test. At one point I debated calling my drs office to find out the size of the cyst on the ultrasound. It made me wonder whether it was actually a follicle rather than a post ovulatory cyst. I never did call. 

At that point I started to feel frustrated and like I had no idea what was going on. Just the day before I had my appointment and left feeling so positive. I was frustrated my cycle was going to be longer, and who knew how many times I'd get positive ovulation tests that month. I had read that using ovulation tests with PCOS can yield inaccurate results. Was this going to happen every week? Were my cycles going to continue to be 50-60 days?

11 days later after my second round of positive ovulation tests (on January 20th) I wrote this post: 

Yesterday morning after putting the girls down I started to get myself ready since we had a play date scheduled with some friends. On a whim I took a cheapy pregnancy test. Prior to hopping in the shower I peeked at it and swore I saw a shadow of a second line.

While in the shower I talked myself down. There was no way. I knew I ovulated from the ovary without a tube. 

When I got out I took another look. There was definitely a shadow of a second line. So, like any sane person would do, I used two more tests. Both also showed a super faint second line. It was at that point that I started shaking and didn't stop for at least an hour. 

The first thing I did was to email Dr. Braverman. He said to get an HCG test done ASAP so I called my ob. They were happy to call a script in to my local hospital. 

The girls woke up and we went to our play date. It was nice to have a bit of a distraction from my racing mind. From her house I dropped the girls at home with my mom and went to the dentist. Luckily the dentist didn't take long and I was able to head over for blood work after without having to tell my mom. 

On the way home I stopped at he pharmacy to pick up my metformin and purchased some FRER pregnancy tests. I came home and took one only to see 2 lines again. 

I didn't want to tell W over the phone or text so I waited until he got home. As he was feeding the girls their afternoon snack I set up my camera and took a video while I handed him the tests. His face was absolute shock and confusion at first that quickly turned into happiness and excitement. 

I had to laugh that these were the shirts I picked out for Clara and Lucy that morning. 

Two days later I wrote this:

As I said, the first person I contacted when I discovered on Monday I was pregnant was Dr. B. He advised me to get a beta ASAP and I did that afternoon.

I called my ob's office to get the results on Tuesday. My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 14. I had taken another FRER test that morning and the line was darker than the previous afternoon. With the positive result, my ob's office wanted me to repeat the test on Wednesday. 

I emailed Dr. B Tuesday afternoon with the results and he advised I call the office and register with their pregnancy management. I called that afternoon and talked with the receptionist. Despite telling me she'd email me the packet of info, she didn't that afternoon.

I didn't sleep well all night and finally emailed Dr. B early Wednesday morning saying I'd called but hadn't gotten the information. He replied quickly and I heard from the office shortly after. They sent me the packet of info I needed to fill out and fax or email back ASAP. 

After our Music Together class this morning (Wednesday) I headed for another blood test. From there I went somewhere to fax the paperwork. 

I got my protocol Wednesday afternoon and medications are being ordered. I will be on Lovenox, baby aspirin, neupogen, metformin, and calcium. 

I'm feeling so anxious and scared. I said it's impossible to embrace this pregnancy without getting excited and I'm too scared something will go wrong to get excited. 

Things moved quickly to get medications ordered. My second beta was 73. This was a doubling time of 25 hours. I found out my insurance needed to pre-approve the neupogen so we paid for the first vial OOP at $360 so I could get started ASAP.

A few days later I called the insurance company to find out an update on the medication. I was told it was denied because I didn't have any of the specified conditions listed for the medication. They told me I could appeal if I wanted. 

We've been forced to pay for this medication OOP. One vial lasts about three and a half days. To say I'm stressed about the price is an understatement. I'm not sure whether it's worth it to appeal to the insurance company as I've been through the process before without success. This expense is really unexpected for us.  

Things have been stressful. I've been so scared and anxious. I've had three early miscarriages. I need certain medications to sustain a pregnancy and I wasn't on them initially. We want to get excited about this amazing news, but we still are having a hard time. 

Starting the neupogen meant stopping breastfeeding. I wasn't planning to stop as suddenly, but was in the process of gradually weaning the girls. I wanted it to be more on their terms, but I stopped because it wasn't safe to continue. That's been another tough thing I've been dealing with emotionally. 

We've also found out that two sets of good friends will be moving in the next few months. 

I guess you could say we were trying to get pregnant... sort of.  We really didn't think it would happen, but said we'd be thrilled if it did. I knew my cycles were long and things weren't looking too good for it happening without assistance. We had talked about going back to Dr. B in the fall around the time the girls turned two.  

I finally scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. B for next Monday, February 9th. Based on my timing, I will be 6w3d. I was so scared to schedule anything. I'm still terrified to go all that way and receive anything but positive news. 

I've been in the early stages of pregnancy unsuccessfully more times than successfully. Twice I felt so positive and optimistic between my positive betas and ultrasounds only to get devastating news at an ultrasound appointment. I can't let myself feel that disappointment again. 

That's the hard part about all of this. I so badly wanted to be able to experience pregnancy like a normal fertile person. I'm quickly realizing that will never be the case. Someone who hasn't experienced loss can't understand the fear of it happening again. Immediately I also had to start injecting myself with medications three times a day. 

So, if you know me IRL and I haven't shared this news with you it's likely because I'm just not ready. It's nothing personal, it's just something I'm not really sharing with many people at this time. I'm hoping things will continue to progress, but I'm glad to have written it all down. I'm feeling ready to reclaim my blog as my space to voice it all. 

    

Beta #2

This morning I went in early for my second beta and to repeat my immune panel. I had taken a test last night despite saying I was not going to test for a bit. The dark line that appeared quite quickly gave me  a lot more confidence than I had been feeling. Monday and Tuesday were spent being terrified about whether the number would double or not. 

I had to wait until almost 2:00 before today's number was posted on the portal. 

The news is amazing! My number jumped from 185.5 to 433.4. That equals a doubling time of 38.8 hours. I've never had a second beta number double, so this was really great news.

I'm debating trying to get an ultrasound locally next week rather than waiting until 6 weeks to do one at Br.averman's office. I'm not even sure if my old clinic would do one for me if I requested. 

Today we are able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. I'm so grateful and excited. We plan to use a gift certificate for a local fine dining restaurant this weekend to celebrate the great news. We've only been holding on to it for a year and a half, waiting for this moment to be able to use it. 

dazeychic Etsy Shop

Testing and Beta #1

I didn't update much this week due to being cautious. I kept track of how things were going, but decided not to hit publish until I was ready and feeling more confident. 

4dp5dt Wednesday morning. After getting up I decided to pull out a Wondfo test. I had a negative two days prior so knew the booster HCG shot was gone. I dipped it in my pee cup and hopped in the shower. W was already at work and he didn't know I was going to test. I told myself it was far to early to get a positive and prepared myself for a negative result. I was fine with a negative result because it was so early. I got out of the shower and glanced at the test. It looked negative. I started to get ready and then went back to the test. I thought I saw the faintest line ever. From that point on I would walk away from the test just to walk back and look at it. I held it up in different lighting and was starting to consistently see the faintest second line. I then wished that I hadn't dumped the pee so that I could dip another test just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. I looked at the test a few more times and then left for the morning. I had to pee later in the morning and decided to go home so I could take another look at the test. I still saw the faintest second line. I changed my day around a bit so I could have lunch with W when he came home. When he was home I told him we needed to talk. I told him I knew it was early but that I had tested early. I then asked him to come look at the test. He also saw the faint line. Could I really have a second line 4 days after my transfer? It was so early in the morning when I took the test and my transfer was done at 2PM. Technically I wasn't even a full 4 days past my transfer.  

5dp5dt Thursday morning. I dipped another stick and was super nervous to find out if the first one was just a fluke. The second line appeared a little more quickly and was slightly more obvious. It was still super light and could be considered a "squinter". When a blogger friend texted me to wish me good luck I couldn't resists and shared the news with her. 

6dp5dt Friday morning. I didn't use a test that morning.  I had gotten up at 5:30 to pee and knew my FMU was going to be crap. My blogger friend texted my again that morning and I told her I skipped so I wouldn't go crazy analyzing lines. That afternoon I couldn't resist any longer and peed again. The line was starting to get a bit darker and more noticeable.  

7dp5dt Saturday morning. I didn't use a test again and thought I would not test at all. We went over to our friend's house T&B and saw their little guy O who turned two weeks that day. We had lots of snuggling time with the baby, a delicious and spicy lunch, and we watched a college basketball game. At one point I went upstairs with T to be her "pumpany" and couldn't resist telling her when she asked how I was feeling. She teared up (post pregnancy hormones?), and then exclaimed that she had a test in the bathroom. She gave me a digital EPT test and I got nervous knowing that a digital needed a higher level of HCG to register positive. I looked it up online and found that the sensitivity was 50 and decided not to take it there, but to take the test with me when I left. When I got to my in-law's house about an hour later I couldn't resist any longer and peed on it. The digital readout of pregnant showed quite quickly. I immediately called W and showed him. We were both super excited. That night I used another Wondfo test and got an awesome line that was so much darker from the previous day. I was really seeing progression in the tests and getting super excited that this could actually be happening. 

8dp5dt Sunday. I used a Wondfo test and started to get concerned when the line was lighter. I figured it didn't matter that much from day to day and decided not to stress it. It was still positive and I convinced myself I was still pregnant. 

9dp5dt Monday morning (this morning) was Beta day. I used my FMU with a Wondfo test after not getting up all night to pee (we went to bed around midnight since we were up late for the Superbowl.) The line took a while to show up and definitely wasn't any darker. As it dried it looked on par with Saturday's test. W and I started to talk about another chemical and feel super bummed out. I couldn't help but worry that the number would be positive but not high enough. I had my blood test at 7:15 and just needed to wait to hear. My old clinic did the blood work and they have an online portal to check the numbers. I checked non-stop all morning and no results. I finally checked again around 1:45 to see the amazing results. My HCG level was 185.5 and my progesterone was >40!! 

I couldn't believe how great the HCG number was given the test I had taken that morning. I had worried and felt so nervous all day waiting to hear the results. I called W and told him the great news and then texted my yoga buddies to tell them the results. I'm so amazed at this number and feeling so positive. 

Dr. B.raverman called me around 2:15 and I took the call during a speech session. He told me I was "very pregnant" and that he was feeling really confident with my numbers. He told me he wanted me to have a repeat beta on Wednesday and also repeat the immune panel. He said all of our running around appeared to have been worth it and congratulated me. It was a really great conversation.  When I asked about a first ultrasound he said he would want to do one 4 weeks from retrieval. That is 2 weeks from today. He then said he wanted to do it himself and asked whether we were planning to come to LI for it. I admitted I hadn't gotten that far yet in my thinking. He told me to think about it. Once again he said congratulations and we hung up. 

I'm still feeling cautious and scared for the outcome of everything. I know a positive test or beta doesn't equal a take-home baby in 9 months. We've been here before. I so badly want this to be our little one, but know I need to take things one step at a time. The number is so much better than anything we have ever gotten at this point s it's hard to not get too excited at the same time. I guess I'll just walk the tightrope for now. 

4dp6dt FET #3

First off, I'm a bit confused. The embryos we transferred we frozen on day 6. Does this make it a 6 day transfer? I don't think so because they were at a day 5 point when they were frozen. If anyone has any insight, please enlighten me. 

This weekend was amazingly relaxing and fantastic. Our friends C&J came over Friday night with their little girl E who will be 2 tomorrow. We had a nice dinner and watched some of the opening ceremonies for the olympics. E got a little whiney and needed some distracting. W is so great with her and took her outside for a little walk around our yard. It was so cute to look outside and see them sitting in the grass talking together. He's going to be such a great daddy. 

On Saturday W went into Syracuse with his Dad to free our new boat from their garage. That's right, my in-law's have an antique wooden boat that is just sitting in their garage. They are giving it to us. It will need a little bit of work but should be functioning just fine. It's going to be so nice since we are about a 5 minute walk to a marina on the lake where we could keep it. 

I laid around and read my book as well as took a nap while W was gone. On Saturday night we went to see Ted and it was pretty darn funny. There were lots of fart jokes that went over well. I saw a preview for The Odd Life of Timothy Green and definitely shed a tear or two. If you haven't seen the trailer, click HERE. I challenge you not to cry. 

Today we slept in and then headed over to the in-law's lake house. We sat in the sun, swam, and read a whole bunch. I've been reading a lot and really enjoying the step away from the T.V. That's not to say we haven't been watching the Olympics, but we've been reading before bed more consistently than watching T.V. 

I got the masochistic urge to POAS today. W doesn't want me to so I didn't tell him. No matter how long I looked at it or how much I wanted it to be positive, it was definitely negative. I think I'm good on testing for a bit. 

As far as symptoms go, my boobs are crazy sore! I switched to a different PIO this week and am thinking that was it. I switched pharmacies a while ago but was using old progesterone. This week I started one that it compounded instead and that seems to correspond with the new soreness. I'm peeing a lot but that's also related to progesterone. Some small cramps here and there, but also probably from the progesterone. Today I was a little moody and couldn't be reasoned with but who knows what that is all about. I've been tired, but also probably the progesterone. I'm still trying to be positive, but the pee stick didn't help. I know it's still early though so I'll try to put that out of my mind. 

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

I bought some FRER tests on Thursday. When I got home I used one of those and a wondfo test. Both had faint lines. I waited 24 hours and then did the same thing. The FRER no longer had a faint line and the wondfo was a little lighter. This showed me my levels were not climbing but instead likely falling. I made the executive decision to stop my meds. 

I know a lot of people commented that I should stay on them, but it didn't seem to make any sense. My HCG levels were obviously not increasing and my butt has enough lumps from the PIO already. 

I've had some bad moments and I've also still been able to laugh with W. I have a friend I met through the yoga for fertility class last summer who has also had a few chemical pregnancies and we've been talking. It's nice to have someone else who has been through the same thing. She recently had a follow-up talk with the same RE so I can get an idea of what he is going to say and build my list of questions. 

On Thursday night we were asked to pick up my brother from his after school program. My brother is 10 and was adopted from China 5 years ago. W had gotten us lobster to lift our moods since it is my favorite food. We got one for Sean and W coached him the entire time on how to eat it and do most of it himself. It was really sweet to watch him being so patient and encouraging. 

A few hours later after Sean left W came to me and said that he knows it doesn't matter how we get our kids. Sean is pretty awesome and he loves him the same.

Obviously we are going to use our frozen embryos and the last IVF cycle that we have before talking about our next steps. From there I'm not sure where we are going to go. 

This weekend we are planning on finishing planting our garden and continuing to work on our bathroom. We picked out a paint color and ordered light fixtures so we are getting close. We are still waiting for our vanity to come in. I'm looking forward to being able to use a toilet upstairs again.  

IVF #3 Beta Results

I mentioned earlier my fear of another chemical pregnancy. I'm pretty sure my fear is becoming a reality. My beta HCG levels came back at 19.5 today. Yeah, that's less than half of what it was last chemical pregnancy at this point (43). I'm not alluding myself at all. I'll return on Tuesday (closed Monday for the holiday) and have my blood drawn again, but I may stop my meds before then. I bought some FRER tests and I'm going to watch the progression in the next few days. I used a FRER and a cheapy test this afternoon. On the cheapy test today the second line really wasn't any darker than it was 2 days ago. 

I did find out we have 2 frozen embryos and I booked a follow-up appointment with Dr. Greene for June 8th, so we have a backup plan for now. Honestly though, I don't think FET's work for me. It's just part of the contract we are in that we have to use them before moving on to another fresh cycle. 

Speaking of fresh cycles, we only have one more paid for. I feel like we need to change something. What we are doing does not seem to be working.

I'm going to ask about PGD. I know it's expensive, but so are repeated rounds of IVF. I feel like it was stupid to expect a different result with the same (more or less) protocol for IVF #2 and #3. 

I wish I had better news to share today and I hate the disappointment of another (likely) failed IVF cycle. This process is starting to become really disheartening. 

IVF #3 5DP5DT

I haven't given any update since the fertilization report. I was feeling really anxious about doing a 5 day transfer with only 8 fertilized eggs, but I tried to trust in my clinic and RE. I knew they would check on our embryos on day 3 (Mother's Day) and if needed call me and have me come in for the transfer. I was so nervous all morning but I never heard, so no news was good news. 

My transfer wasn't scheduled until 1:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday. I spent the morning with a little boy I work with and his family observing while he was evaluated for Autism. It was an intense morning with lots of tests given and lots of waiting to hear the consensus from the evaluators. He didn't get an Autism diagnosis but he did get Developmental Apraxia of Speech and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified). It was sad to sit there with the parents and hear that there was something wrong with their child. It made me realize how much better at my job I am going to be once I am a parent. C did awesome with all of the testing and I was so proud of him. Overall it was a much better diagnosis than Autism and he has made some amazing progress in the past few months. 

W picked me up from there and we drove to the clinic. I was SO nervous to find out what we had to transfer. They had me change and my RE came in. He told me we had at least 2 really good blastocysts and a few more than were close. In total 10 ended up fertilizing and the best one was one of the late ones to fertilize. Dr. K asked me how many I wanted to transfer and I asked his recommendation. He proceeded to ask me how old I was and which IVF cycle this was for me. His recommendation was 3 and he would do 4 if I was willing to consider selective reduction if necessary. That was enough to scare me off from 4. So, we transferred 3 beautiful blastocysts on Tuesday afternoon. The transfer itself was super smooth and he used "Wandy" to guide the transfer. Every other time it has been with abdominal ultrasound, so we could see so much more this way. When the embryologist came in to give us our picture I asked her the grades. We transferred 1 4AA, 1 4AB, and 1 2BB. I really hope one of them will decide to stick around. 

I headed over to acupuncture after and had a nice little nap. When I asked W how much it was he said free. I'm not sure why, but he said it was complementary. I'll take it!

W, my FIL, and step-dad started our bathroom remodel project this week. The only thing that will stay is the toilet so it is a lot of work. They have put down radiant heat in the floors, tile on the floors, new drywall, and tiled the shower stall so progress has been fast. It's made it hard for me though because I'm not helping and have been a bit bored. Also, we have been staying at the in-law's house in order to be able to shower. Looks like we have tonight and two more nights here. I can't complain though because it is their lake house and waking up in the morning to the lake is pretty amazing. The dogs love it too. 

I thought it would be a fun idea to test out my trigger shot with my IC tests. This had led to too much analyzing and googling, especially with all of my boredom. Today there was still a faint line and I wish it was a positive, but I'm pretty sure it is the last of the trigger. It seems like a long time for it to last (12 days past trigger), but the lines are not getting darker either. They have stayed about the same the past two days. I wish I hadn't started and I know I need to step away, but once you start it's hard to stop. 

My beta is next Thursday. I am much more positive and hopeful this time because I feel I need to be. Huge disappointment or not, I am convincing myself it worked. I have been having cramping on and off but who the heck knows. We all know I don't believe in symptoms this early, but I also can't ignore them. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow to have some good distractions. Can you tell I'm going a little crazy?

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Beta #3

Beta #3 is in and it's good news. I am so relieved and couldn't be happier. My beta went from 63 on Friday to 175 today. That is a doubling time of 48 hours!! 

I feel badly for being so pessimistic about things. I know we aren't even remotely in the clear, but I'm able to breathe a sigh of relief at least for today. 

I slept horribly last night and had awful dreams. I was running away and hiding. I was too scared to POAS like I had originally planned so had no idea going into my beta this morning.

So for today I am hopeful and positive about this pregnancy. When we first got the positive W and I were arguing about whether it was "round" or "pointy" that decided to stick around. When the number didn't rise by much I sided with him and said it was "pointy".  I think we are both in agreement that it is "pointy" now. W even went so far as to say he hit puberty late and didn't start his career until he was 30. That was him trying to be positive over the weekend. 

Thanks so much for the amazing support lately. I think without your positivity I would have been a complete mess. Sorry "pointy" for counting you out so early when you were just a late bloomer like your daddy. 

Trying My Best

This weekend has been tough overall. I'm ready to get some answers tomorrow although I realize it may not be black or white. On Friday night we went out for a nice dinner and then tried to go to the movies, but I messed up the times so we ended up just coming home and buying one from our blueray player. I feel asleep not far into the movie and W said it was pretty bad. 

Friday during the day was the hardest for me emotionally. I cried the most and felt the least hopeful. I have a family I work with where the mom went through multiple IVF's before she was successful. She is one of the few people who know all of the details. I went to see her son for therapy and we spent about a half hour talking about everything. I definitely cried the most then, but also felt like I needed to get it all out. She told me I had to be nicer to myself and said she knew it was going to work for us, she just couldn't say whether it's would be this time or not. She also said that when you make it to the other side it's all worth it looking bad doesn't seem all that bad. I had to wipe my tears away quickly when he son entered the room and I pulled it together and was able to work with him. I cried over the phone with W, but he was definitely more hopeful than me. 

Saturday was a pretty good day overall. We had a bunch of distractions which was nice. We went out to breakfast and then came home for a little bit and watched some Lost. After a bit we headed out to the Mackenzie Childs store. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Mackenzie Childs, but it's all hand painted brightly covered pottery and other items. They have a big barn sale in the summer and last summer we got knobs for our kitchen cabinets. They are really neat and make a big difference in the kitchen. We also have a few other items in the kitchen. We weren't looking for anything specific, but it was fun to go. They have a farmhouse and we ended up with good timing to be able to go on the tour. It was really fun. Here are some pictures:

Shower in the closet 

The pattern painted on this wall and ceiling made me feel dizzy

Love this bathroom

The fish hallway. It continued down another set of stairs. Don't walk up this hallway drunk! 

It really was a nice distraction and we ended up getting a small fish carpet for the kitchen. The pull knobs we have in the kitchen have the fish on them, so it matches nicely. 

Saturday night we went to the movies at the right time. We went to see Big Miracle and thought it would be a nice uplifting movie. Just what we needed. *Spoiler alert* I had seen the previews and assumed the whales all survived. Well, go figure, the baby whale ended up dying. Great! I was then crying in the movie theatre about the dead baby whale. Not really the miracle movie we were hoping for. All in all, W and I were able to joke about it after. 

Last night I woke up around 4:30 and just felt horrible. I was anxious, sad, and overwhelmed. My mind was racing and I was unable to fall back asleep for at least an hour. I lay there thinking about everything and wondering what the outcome will be. 

I did POAS twice on Saturday. The digital continues to say "pregnant" which is nice to see. Of course the batteries die and the message eventually disappears, but it is nice to see that word. I also couldn't resist and also used a FRER. The line was darker than it was two days prior, so that made me feel a bit better. 

Symptoms remain, but I'm taking loads of hormones that also mimic symptoms. I'm still on estrogen (vaginally each night), progesterone (Crinone 2x's/day), dexamethasone, Lovenox injections, baby aspirin, Metformin 2x's/day, and prenatal vitamins. What do I feel? I'm tired and have been napping most days, I am peeing a bit more but also drinking a lot more water. I have occasional cramping, my boobs are still bigger and sore but maybe a bit less so, and I have a bit of nausea here and there. Nothing overwhelming though. Oh yeah, and my sense of smell is still really heightened. 

The thought of 2 miscarriages scares the crap out of me. It makes me worry that something bigger is wrong. I've searched far and wide for success stories and have found a few, but more that aren't so successful. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but I hope it will be a day filled with answers. 

I feel better than last time about having a backup plan if needed. We have 4 frozen embryos and 2 fresh cycles paid for already. I hope we don't need any of it, but it's good to know that those options are there.

 I've really appreciate all of the nice comments I have received and it is amazing to know that other people are praying for me and thinking of me. Thank you so much for the support!

11dp3dt... One Lonely Line

I held out until this morning to test. Had you asked me before the test I would have told you I was 85% sure I was pregnant. Now? Well, I'm not holding onto much hope. I had the thought that maybe it was just a bad dream as I was standing there in the dark looking at that single line. I felt the worst breaking the news to W.

The hardest part is that I had lots of symptoms. I've been pregnant before and know how it feels, so was convinced I was again. 

I wasn't blogging about my symptoms because I didn't want to jinx anything. I guess it wouldn't have mattered. I had cramping on days 3-5 past the transfer. Around 5 days past my boobs got bigger and started to get more sore. On Monday and Tuesday (7-8 days past) my sense of smell picked up drastically and level nausea appeared. To be honest, I've been pretty tired all along since starting the progesterone. Wednesday and Thursday I had some crazy ass dreams. 

I know there's a slim chance it could have still worked, but I'm not really into alluding myself much longer. I felt sad for about 10 minutes but then decided it doesn't do much to dwell on it. 

It felt good to have hope again. That hope remains despite a negative result. I am hopeful that IVF will work for us. I just don't think this was the right time. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I was so positive and peaceful that first week. If the embryos stopped developing it wasn't my fault. Arrggh and Matey just weren't meant to be. 

There's nothing I can do now but look to the future. I am now faced with the decision to stick with Dr. S or switch it up and try Dr. K (aka Dr. Gere). I love Dr. S and feel I get individualized treatment, but I REALLY don't like the nurse that replaced Becky. If you don't know or remember, Becky was the nurse I connected with for over a year and who I found out recently passed away from cancer. I don't think she is easily replaced, but this new person sucks! After the transfer I didn't want to dwell on it, but it my opinion the new nurse fucked up big time. She was really unprofessional and not pleasant, but I will add another post about that. It still makes me upset to think about it. 

I'm going to be OK. Sure, I'm disappointed and I'm not thrilled about the outcome but I still have hope. And to be honest, that feels good. 

It won't be official until Tuesday when I have my beta, but I'm pretty sure we know the outcome. Better luck next time.  

IUI #2 CD 28

Yesterday I gave the HPT another shot. BFN as expected, so I stopped the progesterone. I was bummed on Tuesday, but it didn't really bother me much yesterday. I'm over it and over IUI's to be honest. I am now just waiting on AF and hoping she shows sometime soon. 

I've started working with this new child named Alex, and yesterday was the first time I saw him at home. I had seen him at preschool two times prior. He was just diagnosed last week with Autism and is 4 1/2. He has only been receiving therapy services since December, so he is fairly new to the system. It didn't work out with the last speech therapist and my boss (who is the occupational therapist working with him) recommended I work with him. 

Well, yesterday afternoon ended up turning into an extreme tantrum and I left feeling so upset. The first half hour went fine and although his attention was fleeting, he was pretty under control. Well, then I started talking to his Mom, and he didn't like that. He ended up (after about 20 minutes), screaming at her and hitting her repeatedly. He was so upset by the time I left nothing was going to calm him down or change his behavior. I spent the whole night feeling so sad for this mom who has to deal with this behavior regularly, and upset because I felt in over my head. She said his tantrums occur at least once a day and on some days more often. I am such a firm believer in early intervention and getting involved before behaviors reach this level. I was completely overwhelmed by the situation and spent a lot of time thinking about it. I even had trouble falling asleep last night because of it. The reality is, when you work in people's homes with children and don't have a support and problem solving team around you, it can be overwhelming as to how to deal with a situation. 

I called my boss and talked with him about it last night. He helped me to problem solve the situation. Bob is a great guy and is always really helpful when I find myself in a situation I'm not sure about. He will come to sessions and give me input if I feel I need it, and I always say he constantly thinks outside the box. Bob had been planning to see Alex today so I decided I would join for some of the time and see what their sessions were like.

The mom actually thanked me for coming back today and it went much better. I am now feeling more in control of the situation and know how not to push this child. I guess in life there are many learning experiences, but some are harder to process than others. I will only see this child until the end of the school year, but he made the children I previously thought were difficult look easy. 

Sorry if I lost your attention talking about work, but it was on my mind and was very upsetting to me. In fact, I completely forgot all about the failed IUI and was upset for an entirely different reason yesterday. 

If you stuck with me to this point, thanks. 

I am pretty sure we will be moving on to IVF next cycle. The thing that concerns me most is that I ovulated on Lupron and got pregnant the cycle we were going to do IVF. Since my RE didn't think I was ovulating, he chose to start me on day 21 assuming it wouldn't be an issue. I just don't want to wait until after I ovulate to start Lupron since when I do ovulate it is very late (that month it was on day 25ish). I will ask the nurse about it when AF shows her face (hopefully soon). Since we did all the preliminary stuff for IVF in January, there shouldn't be any additional testing needed. We will see though. 

IUI #2 CD 26 (11 DPIUI)

So I broke down and POAS this morning. I had been planning to at 10 DPIUI, by my hubby and another blogger convinced me to wait. Well, I was able to wait an extra day. After waking up to a dream about getting a BFP I went for it. Well, no second line appeared, not even a hint of one. W and I were both super bummed, but realized that with IUI's the chances are really against you for it to work (about 20% chance for success). I am planning on testing the next two days to see if anything changes, but I am pretty convinced it didn't work. This afternoon I was much more moody (PMS style).  

I have still been getting up in the middle of the night to pee, maybe now it has just become a habit. I am thinking about stopping the progesterone after tomorrow if I don't get a BFP. I don't want it to delay AF from coming if I am not pregnant. When I had the miscarriage I kept taking the progesterone leading up to my D&C to precent bleeding. I'm not sure if AF will still come on time if I continue the progesterone. 

It is crazy to think about everything we put ourselves through for just a chance to get pregnant. Appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, progesterone, side effects, and missed time at work just for a shot at success.  I don't understand how I was able to get pregnant on Lupron but can't get pregnant with injectables and IUI. I know it's not over until the red lady shows, but I can't help but feel defeated. 

Maybe my luck will change, but until then I am trying to focus on other things. We put in 13 new plants in our yard today and are busy planning for our grad/housewarming party that is in just a few short weeks. Some of the seeds we planted in our veggie garden have sprouted and the weather has been great (see, I'm trying to be positive!)

A little disappointed

So I took another HPT this afternoon (1 week post D&C) hoping it would be negative. I got so excited when a second line didn't appear right away, but within a few minutes it was there. When I took tests previously, the second line appeared almost immediately. The line isn't as dark as other times, but it's still there. It is a weird feeling to wish for a negative test, but I know as long as I still have the HCG in my body, it will take longer for my period to return. Here is a pic of the tests I have taken (the dates are on there). What do you think?

I called my RE's office yesterday and left a message with the nurse asking about the fasting glucose script. She called me back this morning and was surprised my RE wanted that done because he had done my glucose levels previously. I guess I never did fasting ones before. When I talked to her I also asked about HCG levels and getting them tested again. When I went for my pre-op appointment on Monday Feb 21, my levels had risen, but were still low. I really am not sure whether I ovulated when I started taking the Lupron (January 5) or before. I can't figure it out and it doesn't much matter. Either way, my HCG was 4457 10 days ago.

Here are the levels by date:
January 21, 2051
February 8, 3972
Feb 21, 4457

The nurse just returned my call after talking to my RE and said he wants me to do a fasting glucose test. I don't have to do the challenge, just get a fasting level and then he can figure out the difference or something like that. He also wanted me to wait at least a week before getting my HCG levels tested again, and today is exactly 1 week since the procedure. I asked her how long it usually takes to go back down and she said it really depends on the person. Usually, after a D&C is goes down pretty quickly.

I don't really have any pregnancy symptoms anymore, and had lost many of them even before finding out about the miscarriage (only when I look back do I realize this). My hubby looked at me this morning and was like, "Wow, your nipples look so small." I have to admit, I am feeling pretty much back to normal. I was amazed to realize I didn't have to stop to use the bathroom AT ALL during the day today and I drank tea this morning and a decent amount of water. I am glad to not be getting up in the middle of the night to go anymore, and that was incredibly frustrating after I found out the pregnancy was no longer viable.

When I think about it, I think I will probably wait until next Wednesday to do the blood work since that will give the lab enough time to get it to my RE for my appointment, but also allow my HCG levels to come down some more (hopefully). I wish there was something I could do to make them drop!

In other news since I finally uploaded some photos, here are pics of our new bed and the bathroom before (I did take some stuff down before taking the pics, but you can tell how small it is).

Notice our fertility symbol Kokopelli on the wall? I'll take all the help I can get!

The bed is so big it's hard to get all in one frame, but the cat had to be in there! We love having the king size, and I think the cat hogs the most space. 

Here is our downstairs half (closet sized) bathroom. We don't typically keep all of that medicine on that sink, but I took the medicine cabinet down and put them there temporarily. My DH didn't think to move them before taking a picture (oh, the minds of men!) I would love to do something with the sink, but think it will be hard to find a corner sink... nothing else would fit. 

The spots that look strange had the medicine cabinet and another strip of wood with hooks and shelves. I took them down in a craze before I realized it would be good to take pics first. The border had frogs on it, and the color really isn't all that bad in the pictures. It seems brighter in person.