Another Negative

There's not a whole lot to say. I was surprised we didn't get a positive this time. I really, really thought this was going to be the one. I feel lost. I don't know what to do moving forward. 

W and I tested the morning of my beta. I was so surprised a second line didn't pop up. We are so disappointed. Yet again. 

We have five frozen embryos left. I'm not sure whether we will use Br.averman for this next cycle. He definitely used a different protocol but I'm not sure it made much of a difference. The biggest differences were Lupron, antibiotics, and Neupogen. He wants me to get a few tests repeated as the nurse said it may help explain why we got a negative. I don't think anyone ever knows why it doesn't work. I just doesn't. 

I'm so tired of this. I just want a baby. 

As I've realized already, life goes on. Even when you feel like you are standing still you look around and realize nothing else is.

 I will be okay and so will W, but it doesn't make it suck any less. 

If you can't make 'em, eat 'em

Welcome if you are visiting from ICLW. Thanks for stopping by! To catch you up to speed, I am Liz. I am 28 and live in NY. I have been seeing my RE for 16 months and have PCOS and one tube. During this time I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries, 2 D&C's (one for a miscarriage and one for polyps), 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. If you want a more detailed history, feel free to read more. 

This may seem like a strange title for a post, but it stems from a joke I made during dinner tonight. W and I went out for a nice dinner and he ordered the osso bucco. Forever he had a thing against eating veal (which I completely understand but don't abide by). As he took his first bite he said, "I just remembered what osso bucco is... veal." So my reply was, "If you can't make 'em, eat 'em." We both had a good laugh and continued to joke about delicious baby legs.  

I got the phone call today to confirm what I already knew. To be honest, I stopped all my meds after I got another BFN on a pregnancy test on Monday morning. It was a FRER test which I know picks up HCG levels below 10. I knew if the number was going to be that low it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy anyway. Well, big surprise my beta HCG number was zero. And the nurse I don't like called to give me the news. She didn't say anything other than that it was negative. 

To get it off my chest, the things the nurse did the day of the transfer the upset me were: 

1) She called me by the wrong name and had paperwork for me to sign with the wrong name on it. No, my name is not Tracy. Good thing I caught that one and corrected her. 

2) Saying to us about 20 minutes prior to the transfer "Everything is going wrong this morning" W looked right at her and said, "Don't say that." 

3) Referring to my embryos as "eggs." I had her double check we were transferring the right ones after the name mix-up. Even the embryologist called her out on that one. 

4) Completely losing her shit in the transfer room when the embryologist tried to hand the catheter with my embryos to her through the "window". The nurse starting yelling at the embryologist and said she was no longer sterile. Dr. S practically yelled at her and told her he had it. I just tried to close my eyes and relax. 

5) Rushing everything. Rushing me to go into the transfer room when they weren't even ready, and then trying to rush me to get up and go to the bathroom after. No, I didn't want to get up for 30 minutes, but after about 10 she was trying. 

I tried not to think of all these things that she did that day. I don't think it changed the outcome or anything, but it changed my opinion of her and the clinic for hiring her. I don't think she conducts herself in a professional manner and I'm definitely looking in a new direction for my next cycle. 

The nurse is honestly reason #2 to switch clinics. Reason #1 is financial. The clinic I currently go to charges about $6000/IVF cycle. To be honest, I haven't gotten the final bill and am not sure how much the assisted hatching cost. So probably, it will end up costing more than that. The other clinic with Dr. Gere (aka Dr. K) has package deals. I am looking now at one that includes 3 cycles for $7500. If it works the first time, great. If not, I know I will have 2 more tries and not feel so stressed about the money. 

I'm doing ok with the negative. I know Christmas isn't going to be easy, but I'm managing to put a smile on my face and continue on. Having a new plan in place is going to give me a positive direction to look in. I plan to call Dr. Gere's office tomorrow and ask my list of questions. I'm hoping to be able to start BCP's for another IVF cycle as soon as AF shows. Open the flood gates already, I'm ready to get this show on the road.

I really think a big part of IVF is a numbers game. If I'm going to gamble, I'd rather gamble in an efficient casino.