Who I Am

The last book we read in our book club was "The Girl Who Chased the Moon". During one of our discussions one of the girls had a great idea. One of the subtle themes of the book was who someone was before they had children. My friend said we should all take the time to write who we are since this will likely change so much down the road. 

I'm 28 this week, 29 next week. I work with young children and love it. Ever since I was a little girl I loved babies and little kids. I played with dolls and then babysat as soon as I could. I love the little hugs, smiles, and belly laughs from the kids. I am extremely patient although I don't always feel it. I'm creative and a natural with little ones. I am a master manipulator with them and can encourage some pretty amazing things. 

I am extremely sensitive. I don't take criticism well and I blame others far too often. I hate to be wrong and rarely admit it when I am. W practically jumps up and down when I admit that he is right, it's such a rare occurrence. 

Communication is incredibly important to me. I prefer to talk things out until I'm blue in the face rather than ignore them. I don't just let things go very often. I think I'm pretty good at reading others. I ask direct questions in order to get direct answers. 

I'm incredibly comfortable in small groups of people I know well, but don't like large groups. I'm not the most talkative around my in-law's extended family because I'm a bit intimidated by them. I prefer 1:1 conversations. 

I love animals and my pets. I prefer cats over dogs, but love them all. My pets are my babies and I spoil them. My dogs only beg from me and they are rewarded for it. I can't imagine life without pets, it would be so boring. I love how one of our one dogs huffs and puffs in excitement each morning when we get up. My cat is very talkative and we have extensive conversations, or so he thinks. 

I'm nosy and direct. I want the info/gossip and will ask people things others probably wouldn't. This probably comes from my job and doing so many evaluations. You have to be direct in order to get answers. I think this makes W uncomfortable at times. You can count on me to ask the question everyone is wondering but too afraid to ask. 

I'm athletic but don't exercise enough. I wish I was happier with my body, but find working on it right now a real challenge. I think even when I get pregnant I will be better about exercising. Recently I've been horrible about it. 

I love any seafood and will try pretty much anything when it comes to food. I love soup and will eat it regardless of the temperature outside. I like all vegetables and always eat them first on my plate. One of my favorite vegetables is okra because I love the texture. I like foods with weird textures.

I'm a complete sarcastic smart ass. People pick up on this pretty quickly and tend to get a kick out of it. I know I do. W and I share a pretty similar sense of humor, but others don't always get it. We're always making each other laugh. 

I don't put up with a lot of shit. I advocate for myself and don't get pushed around. Maybe this comes from being the younger sibling and getting pushed around too much as a kid. I'm always on the quest for the most information I can get about things. I've contemplated a PhD many times and may pursue it someday. I really enjoy learning and am a seeker of information. 

I'm extremely close with my sister. We talk multiple times a week. I'm closer to my mom than my dad but have a good relationship with both. I have a little more complicated relationship with my step-parents but it is still good. I love my in-laws and appreciate all they do to support us, even if my MIL is a bit intense at times. My FIL is the shit.

I love to travel and try to take a vacation each year. In the past few years the theme has definitely been tropical. We went to Costa Rica, Aruba, the Dominican Republic, and most recently Mexico. We are looking forward to a trip to Maine in a few weeks. I'd love to go back to Europe some day. That will be when we are no longer saving for fertility treatments.

I'm extremely adventurous. When we repelled down waterfalls in Costa Rica they took a picture of each person at the top of the first cliff. Everyone looked freaked out and extremely scare. But there was me with had a huge smile, looking totally relaxed.

I have a big smile that is contagious. It's gotten me a lot in life and I pull it out when I really want something.  

I'm also incredibly persistent. Nothing has ever stood in the way of me and something I really want. I pursue my dreams even to a fault at times, but this is what makes me know I'm not giving up before I become a mommy. 

So there you have it. That's me...today at least. 

4dp6dt FET #3

First off, I'm a bit confused. The embryos we transferred we frozen on day 6. Does this make it a 6 day transfer? I don't think so because they were at a day 5 point when they were frozen. If anyone has any insight, please enlighten me. 

This weekend was amazingly relaxing and fantastic. Our friends C&J came over Friday night with their little girl E who will be 2 tomorrow. We had a nice dinner and watched some of the opening ceremonies for the olympics. E got a little whiney and needed some distracting. W is so great with her and took her outside for a little walk around our yard. It was so cute to look outside and see them sitting in the grass talking together. He's going to be such a great daddy. 

On Saturday W went into Syracuse with his Dad to free our new boat from their garage. That's right, my in-law's have an antique wooden boat that is just sitting in their garage. They are giving it to us. It will need a little bit of work but should be functioning just fine. It's going to be so nice since we are about a 5 minute walk to a marina on the lake where we could keep it. 

I laid around and read my book as well as took a nap while W was gone. On Saturday night we went to see Ted and it was pretty darn funny. There were lots of fart jokes that went over well. I saw a preview for The Odd Life of Timothy Green and definitely shed a tear or two. If you haven't seen the trailer, click HERE. I challenge you not to cry. 

Today we slept in and then headed over to the in-law's lake house. We sat in the sun, swam, and read a whole bunch. I've been reading a lot and really enjoying the step away from the T.V. That's not to say we haven't been watching the Olympics, but we've been reading before bed more consistently than watching T.V. 

I got the masochistic urge to POAS today. W doesn't want me to so I didn't tell him. No matter how long I looked at it or how much I wanted it to be positive, it was definitely negative. I think I'm good on testing for a bit. 

As far as symptoms go, my boobs are crazy sore! I switched to a different PIO this week and am thinking that was it. I switched pharmacies a while ago but was using old progesterone. This week I started one that it compounded instead and that seems to correspond with the new soreness. I'm peeing a lot but that's also related to progesterone. Some small cramps here and there, but also probably from the progesterone. Today I was a little moody and couldn't be reasoned with but who knows what that is all about. I've been tired, but also probably the progesterone. I'm still trying to be positive, but the pee stick didn't help. I know it's still early though so I'll try to put that out of my mind. 

IVF #3 FET #1 Transfer

On Wednesday morning we transferred our two frozen embryos from our third IVF cycle. We arrived on time having taken my Valium about 15 minutes prior. By the time they took me back I was feeling fantastic. I passed Dr. K in the hallway on the way to the room and he said he would be in in a few minutes. I gave him an I'm-high-on-valium beaming smile. 

The nurse gave me a picture of my little ones and instructed me to put on the gown. She scheduled me for my beta on August 2nd (the day before my birthday). I didn't ask about quality or grade as it didn't matter.  

Dr. K came in the room and sat down on the bed right next to me. In fact, he was so close at first he actually sat on one of my feet. At my clinic the transfer rooms look more like a massage room. No stirrups and a comfy massage table instead. He told me I had two beautiful embryos and gave me a huge hug. As he headed towards his little stool at the foot of the bed he said, "Let's give life a chance." 

The transfer itself was super smooth and over quickly. Before he left the room he shook my hand with one of his hands and rubbed my belly with the other as he wished us luck. 

I headed over to acupuncture and took a nice nap. On the way home we stopped and went out to lunch at the place where W and I met. After we stopped and bought the cutest infant onesie that is now hanging in my closet. W dropped me off at home and left for work as I read in bed and napped. Later that night we rented the movie Wanderlust and had a great dinner. 

It was a really nice day and I've been repeating positive affirmations since. I am hopeful and positive and not allowing any fear or doubt to creep into my mind. 

Plan Foiled

My step-father had a hip replacement surgery on Friday at a large hospital. When went to visit on Sunday and brought him some chocolates. He was in a lot of pain but appreciated the visit. 

After a bit he seemed to want to sleep so we went on our way. As we were walking down the hallway towards the elevators I decided it would be fun to go look at the babies. 

Although there was no directory, when the doors opened on the 5th floor there were obvious pictures of babies everywhere. As we walked towards the door W read the sign on the door. It said that an alarm would sound if they were opened and that you needed to use the intercom system to get buzzed in. 

Disappointed I walked away and said to W, "I guess we won't be stealing any babies today." Oh well, guess we should check a different hospital : )

Support

Everything is progressing well with this cycle. I had my ultrasound, blood work, and intralipids on Friday. My lining was nice and thick and triple striped. I started progesterone today and my transfer is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 with Dr. K. They gave me a valium and sent me on my merry way. 

Life is pretty great. I've been spending a lot of time with my fertility yoga buddies and I am so grateful for them. I went to yoga on Tuesday and we hung around after chatting about various things. On Thursday night four of us went out for Indian food and today five of us met for our book club. We started up a book club two months ago and meet to discuss the book and so many other things fertility related. We laugh, cry, bitch, and support each other. 

It really is great to have friends going through many of the same things. We are all different and have our different stories, but we also have so much in common. 

 I can't imagine going through this journey now without this amazing group of women to share it with.  

Summer Fun

Life is pretty great. This past week was amazing. The weather was beautiful all week and we were at the in-law's lake house almost every day swimming and waterskiing. 

On Wednesday we had our friends J&C over to the lake for dinner. They brought their little girl E who will be 2 this month. She is so darn cute and her speech blows me away compared to the kids I am used to. I was counting her 8 word phrases in amazement. She said that we went "waterskating" and called the boat the "peeda boat" instead of a speech boat. It was very amusing. She's such a trooper as she stayed up until 10 without any problem. Having relaxed parents really helps to create a relaxed kid. 

Friday night we hung out at home and took it easy. At 11:30 we picked up my mom, stepdad and brother from the airport. They were in Costa Rica for 2 weeks and it was great to hear about their trip. 

Saturday morning we got up early to go to the Mackenzie Childs barn sale. We had a list of things we wanted to get and were pretty successful. My mother-in-law joined us for the trip. The most known pattern they make is courtly check. In that we got a paper towel holder, utensil container for the counter, a new light for the kitchen, a small colander, a tissue box cover, and a trash can. In other patterns we got a few knobs for the entertainment center and a set of 8 enamelware floral plates. It's amazing how much some people buy and it was really fun. Here are some of the pictures I took from the sale. 

 Saturday night we went over to the lake again for dinner and swimming. We hung out pretty late and had a beach fire with a small group of people around. I had my first s'more of the summer and it was delicious. 

Sunday I went to a lavender festival with my MIL and a neighbor. It had a lot of local vendors and I bought a few little lavender items. 

Last night we went and saw Dave Matthews with Tim Reynolds. I have always wanted to see them together and the show was so much fun. We haven't gone to see live music in a long time and it was a good reminder that we should do it more often. Now I'm really looking forward to Mumford and Sons in August. 

The venue with the view of the lake to the left.

Some people at the concert in crazy outfits. 

The garden is doing really well. We have been picking sugar snap peas and lettuce so far. The zucchini and yellow squash are starting to grow and we have a bunch of peppers and tomatoes in the works. I saw a green bean or two out there the other day so those are probably close too. In the flower garden the beebalm is huge and we have a bunch of calla lillies. 

It's About Damn Time!

Aunt Flo decided to finally show up today. This cycle was 42 days. The first two weeks of this cycle I had hope. I felt positive about getting a shot at a natural pregnancy. I was relaxed.

On the 13th and 14th days of this cycle I had positive ovulation tests. For the next two weeks I hoped. I peed on things only to find a single line every time. 

Then AF didn't show up  two weeks after the positive tests. I went into my clinic for blood work and an ultrasound and was told I ovulated. I didn't ask when, but don't think they would have been able to tell me even if I had asked. 

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult. I have processed the pregnancy announcement from my sister all while waiting for my period to show up. I was depressed, confused, and most of all angry that my body once again failed me. 

42 days. I thought Metformin was supposed to help regulate cycles. No dice on that one. Is a pregnancy even possible with a cycle that long? I know I ovulated, but would the egg be any good if ovulated on day 28? I highly doubt it. 

This past week was tough. I am starting to get excited that I am going to be an aunt. It's just hard. We are so ready for it to be our turn. 

On a different note Aunt Flo showing up gives me a fresh start. It gives me some positivity back. It makes time pass a little more quickly. I'm not rushing time because I love summer, but I hate feeling like we are stuck in neutral. I need to be moving towards that whole mommy goal. 

Deflated

I knew the phone call would come eventually. It didn't make it hurt any less. 

Tonight my sister called me and announced she is pregnant. My heart sank immediately as I struggled to say congratulations. I sat on the phone in shock and listened to how she's known for a week. How she hasn't called the doctor yet and how she hasn't smoked a cigarette in a week. She talked about the baby and how I was going to be an aunt.

I finally managed to get off the phone without being too abrupt and W and I cried on the couch. He had been working on dinner and my appetite was immediately gone. 

It's so fucked up that I have to feel every emotion associated with a pregnancy announcement, but then also guilty that I can't be happy for her. 

She isn't healthy. She eats fast food constantly, smokes cigarettes and pot, and she and her husband don't have much money. I guess none of that shit matters and that if it's meant to be it will. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us. 

It's amazing how many feelings go along with this journey. Jealousy, guilt, anger, depression, grief, etc. I want to be happy and know I will come around to that feeling, but for tonight I am gutted and deflated. 

Maybe it would be better if we were doing a cycle. Right now a pregnancy feels like an eternity away for us, maybe even impossible. I still haven't even gotten my period and it's CD 35. It is nowhere to be seen. 

It hurts the worst to see my husband cry. I just want to crawl in bed and disappear.