I knew the phone call would come eventually. It didn't make it hurt any less.
Tonight my sister called me and announced she is pregnant. My heart sank immediately as I struggled to say congratulations. I sat on the phone in shock and listened to how she's known for a week. How she hasn't called the doctor yet and how she hasn't smoked a cigarette in a week. She talked about the baby and how I was going to be an aunt.
I finally managed to get off the phone without being too abrupt and W and I cried on the couch. He had been working on dinner and my appetite was immediately gone.
It's so fucked up that I have to feel every emotion associated with a pregnancy announcement, but then also guilty that I can't be happy for her.
She isn't healthy. She eats fast food constantly, smokes cigarettes and pot, and she and her husband don't have much money. I guess none of that shit matters and that if it's meant to be it will. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us.
It's amazing how many feelings go along with this journey. Jealousy, guilt, anger, depression, grief, etc. I want to be happy and know I will come around to that feeling, but for tonight I am gutted and deflated.
Maybe it would be better if we were doing a cycle. Right now a pregnancy feels like an eternity away for us, maybe even impossible. I still haven't even gotten my period and it's CD 35. It is nowhere to be seen.
It hurts the worst to see my husband cry. I just want to crawl in bed and disappear.