I knew the phone call would come eventually. It didn't make it hurt any less.
Tonight my sister called me and announced she is pregnant. My heart sank immediately as I struggled to say congratulations. I sat on the phone in shock and listened to how she's known for a week. How she hasn't called the doctor yet and how she hasn't smoked a cigarette in a week. She talked about the baby and how I was going to be an aunt.
I finally managed to get off the phone without being too abrupt and W and I cried on the couch. He had been working on dinner and my appetite was immediately gone.
It's so fucked up that I have to feel every emotion associated with a pregnancy announcement, but then also guilty that I can't be happy for her.
She isn't healthy. She eats fast food constantly, smokes cigarettes and pot, and she and her husband don't have much money. I guess none of that shit matters and that if it's meant to be it will. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us.
It's amazing how many feelings go along with this journey. Jealousy, guilt, anger, depression, grief, etc. I want to be happy and know I will come around to that feeling, but for tonight I am gutted and deflated.
Maybe it would be better if we were doing a cycle. Right now a pregnancy feels like an eternity away for us, maybe even impossible. I still haven't even gotten my period and it's CD 35. It is nowhere to be seen.
It hurts the worst to see my husband cry. I just want to crawl in bed and disappear.
I am sending you a hug. Its so hard to deal with others getting pregnant but it seems even harder when they are doing things that will jepordize a healthy baby. I'm sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have to be put in this situation. I hope your sister is sensitive to your feelings. Hugs to you and your hubby.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Liz. I am feeling so sad for you and your hubby. I know all these feelings so well. Shame for feeling the way that you do but totally helpless to feel any different that authentically dissapointed for yourself. I'm thinking about you! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteUgh...that absolutely SUCKS!
ReplyDeleteOh shoot. I'm sorry...
ReplyDeleteI know how this feels - both times my sister announced her pregnancies. It really hits you somewhere deep. I wish I could say something, but this may be something you have to work through slowly and learn to accept. As much as it hurts, do your best to separate yourself from your sister's situation. I know how hard that is...but anything is better than the envy that comes with these announcements.
This happened to me more times than I could count. It never got easier either :'( some day it will happen for you though. You will finally feel fulfilled, just don't give up. Praying for you now...
ReplyDelete:( Sending you and your husband a big hug. I know it's got to hurt :( Your time will come. I know it probably does feel like an eternity away, but you'll be carrying a lil bebe before you know it :) Hang in there girl.
ReplyDeletesending hugs to you and your husband.
ReplyDeletewhen we announced we were going to start the adoption process for #2, my sis-in-law immediaetly (as in mere seconds later) annunced that they were pregnant with #2. When my brother called to tell me my niece had been born, I broke down. It was all I could do to get off the phone. I don't think I even said congrats. It sucks. Oh how it sucks. Try not to feel guilty for your feelings - you are allowed to feel however you feel. Sending prayers.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't have many words right now, but just wanted to send you some hugs. I can't even begin to imagine the pain I'd feel if my sister suddenly announced a pregnancy. ::hug::
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. It's never easy hearing that anyone is pregnant let alone a sibling. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I had just had miscarriage number 3 and low and behold we had the same due date. Shot in the heart. I just went through miscarriage number 4 (chromosome 21 at 9 weeks). My point is I love my niece now more then anything in the world. I can't believe I had such hate and jealously towards her. But after we had no heart beat on the last one, the first I thought of was my niece and how desperately I wanted to hug her. It doesn't get any easier when it seems everyone around is having such great news, and some who we feel don't deserve it. But I promise you it does get easier, and you will love that little one as if it was your own. I know right now you have jealousy and even envy for your sister, and that is completely normal, but I promise you there will be a time where that will pass, and you feel at peace with it all. I wish you the best with this next FET. You will be a mommy and will hold your baby someday, I just know it.
ReplyDeleteUgh I am so sorry. It seems like I either hear similar stories or live them myself constantly. Those that don't take care of themselves seem to have such an easy time conceiving and carrying to term and it is the healthy conscientious ones that have the problems. Just another unfair aspect of life. Hang in there girl. I hope that your time comes very soon. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry - I know how you feel. You aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know those feelings all to well. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteUgh this sounds like when my hubby's cousin announced he and his stoned gf were expecting. It sucks! I'm sorry I wish I could give you a hug right now because I know how much this whole situation stings.
ReplyDeleteOh man... that really is another tough one to swallow. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier, but really? It just sucks big balls, and I'm so sorry :(
ReplyDeleteUgh. That's so hard to deal with! I'm so sorry. Sending big hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteNo words, except to tell you that yes...this SUCKS. Hope some of the sweet comments from the other girls lift you up on this very, very tough day.
ReplyDelete