18 Months Old

It seems each month I'm more and more behind on these updates. I'm not sure if anyone is even reading them, but I love looking back and reading about how they were at __ months old.

The girls are so much fun these days. I think they're to the point where I consider them to be more fun than work....most of the time. They are listening and following simple directions consistently and both trying to talk and communicate quite a bit. They are so full of personality and W and I are constantly amazed by their different strengths.

Lucy- You are so good at communicating to us what you want or need. You're starting to imitate anything and everything we say or do so we need to be careful around you. You are walking everywhere and just about running now too. You figured out how to stand up in the middle of the room without holding on to anything but first figured it out in the tub. We couldn't understand why you were so proud of yourself standing up until we saw how you managed it. You are such a great eater these days. If you told me that a year ago I would have laughed at you. One of your favorite foods is carrots. You are sleeping through the night about 50% of the time. The other nights you are up usually once and daddy sometimes has to climb in your crib with you to calm you down. This is the best way we've managed to keep you out of our bed. You now have 12 teeth including 4 molars. The only teeth you are missing for now are the canines. You're still wearing mostly 12-18 month clothing. Everyone keeps saying how much you are looking like your sister and I think it's because you're eating so well and gaining weight. You still love Elmo and seriously zone out when we turn on the T.V. We joke you get your love for T.V from your daddy because he was the same way as a kid. You love playing with the magnets on the fridge and puzzles. It's so fun watching you learn and grow.

"Cheese"

Playing with her Sesame Street cards

Getting ready for Mexico. 

Clara- You are getting so much better at walking. The physical therapist noted your balance was a little off and your right hip looked to be lagging behind the right when you walk, so we are seeing an orthopedic next week to check it out. Most likely it's nothing as you are improving so much every day, but we just want to be sure. You are walking all over the house with your sister and love carrying things with you. You love the little tins we have of pretend food (pineapples, peas and carrots, tea) and also the jewelry we have for you to play with. You finally got a molar and did so great with it. It didn't affect your sleeping at all but you're eating hasn't been great. You love your fruit but don't really like to try new things. I think you'd just eat fruit all day every day if we let you. You're trying to talk more and more but the accuracy is still lacking for sure. I love that you're trying more and gaining confidence in doing so. You are so thoughtful, kind, and sweet to your sister and you are always bringing her things. You always think of her and it's so incredibly nice. You love throwing things out in the trash and will walk 3 rooms away to do so if you have to. You are getting more and more brave in public. In music class you love picking up the instruments and strumming the guitar. You're venturing out more away from me and with the other kids. You're getting so big and smart!

Lovey on her head and fast asleep. 

Love that little face

The girls took their first trip to NYC this month and we had such a fun time at a children's museum. They are so much happier now that they are able to walk everywhere and get a little space from each other. This really helps with the fighting. They still have their moments, but the fighting lately has been much better. They are so into imitating everything the other one does and it's seriously so cute (and also seriously annoying at times, lol). They've discovered the dogs water dish and toilets so we are always on the lookout for water play around here.

In matching outfits with their buddy Jack. 

Helping Mama making guacamole

Passing out in the car is a regular occurrence with only one nap a day. 

Lucky Friday the 13th

We left Thursday night around Lucy and Clara's bedtime for our trip to Long Island for my first ultrasound appointment. We had booked a hotel room that was about 5 minutes from Dr. Braverman's office so that we could drive down the night before and be close in the morning. The drive went pretty well despite hitting some snowy roads for about an hour in Pennslvania. My mom came along to help with the girls and to be able to watch them at the hotel during my appointment. 

We arrived at about 11:45 pm and W checked in while I waited in the car with my mom and the girls. We pulled around close to the room and waited while W unloaded the car (we didn't bring much because it was just overnight). He set up the pack and plays and then came down to get us. Lucy had first opened her eyes when W checked in. I asked my mom not to talk to her but she didn't really listen and was still making eye contact with her and smiling. 

We got up into the room and tried putting both girls right into the pack and plays. They both immediately started crying. So, we pulled them into our bed and laid down with them. Clara went back to sleep pretty quickly and was easily put back into her pack and play. Lucy, on the other hand, didn't go back to sleep until close to 4 am. We tried giving her Tylenol because I knew she was cutting a big molar, but that didn't seem to help. We tried putting her back into the pack and play multiple times and she would just cry. You can't really let your kid cry in a hotel room.   

The hotel had a free breakfast so we went down in the morning. There we met a couple that said they were pregnant with twin girls. When they asked us if we had any other children we said no and then asked them the same question. They said they had three others...triplet boys! Can you imagine?!

I was so nervous I barely ate. We put the girls down and left around 9:20 for my 9:45 appointment. When I checked in they gave me a cup for a urine sample. I tried my best but was only able to give them a super small amount of urine. There wasn't anyone in the waiting room and they called us back fairly quickly. The nurse was one I remembered from last time. She took my blood pressure and it was surprisingly good despite how nervous I felt. She left the room and we waited for Dr. B. 

He came in after a few minutes. He again said that if he didn't say anything right away it didn't mean anything, he just wanted to get a good look first.  

We saw a beautiful little baby that measured 6w6d and on par with when I thought I ovulated. My due date is 10/3/15. We heard an amazing heartbeat at 141 beats per minute. I asked Dr. B to check which ovary I ovulated from and he joked it was so I could tell my child when they someday ask. Sure enough, it was the one without a tube. When I said that he said the tubes actually lie overlapping on each other. I guess I didn't realize how close in proximity they were. 

He checked the doppler blood flow and it was pretty uncomfortable. He made more jokes as he seems to do and said the blood flow to my uterus was slightly constricted but that the blood flow from my uterus to the baby was great. He didn't think there was any need to change any of the medications at this time. He asked about the immune panel and I said it was pending. I asked about Neupogen and told him it was denied by my insurance. He said once the insurance company denies it there's no point in appealing it. I asked about donated meds and he said he would check if there were any. He then asked,"See you again next week?" I then reminded him that we lived almost 5 hours away, so he said he wanted me to get another ultrasound next week locally. He said he'd like to see me again around 10 weeks and we said we'd be able to make that work. 

I then asked him if he allowed children in the office. He said he didn't have any problems with it but knew the infertility patients sometimes complained about it. He liked to see it as what could be for those patients and said it would be great if we brought the girls in for some pictures. 

When I went to check out the nurse said my urine sample was going to be enough and that I didn't need to try again. I asked her about Neupogen and she said she'd check. It took her a little while but she came back with 4 vials! I was so happy and grateful as they are each $360 OOP and one of them lasts about 3 1/2 days. 

Since the appointment was so quick I texted my mom to see if the girls were sleeping. We didn't hear back from her so we went to a plaza nearby the office we've been to before. We went into a few stores and grabbed me a coffee before heading back to the room. 

The girls woke up when we got back and we packed everything up. We headed back to Dr. B's office for them to see the girls. There was another child and another couple waiting in the room. The other child was around the same age and we were talking some with the mom. I could tell the other couple wasn't pleased to see all the kids in the office. After a bit Dr. B came out and we got some pics of the four of us with him and then passed the girls off. They immediately started crying (as I suspected they would) and we got some funny pics. Dr. B was a good sport to smile while holding two crying babies. He told them, "Last time I saw you two you were just circles." I guess they didn't think he was too funny. 

From there we headed into Manhattan. My mom fed the girls snacks as we drove. We parked in a garage about 7 blocks from a restaurant and Children's museum I had scoped out. We walked to the restaurant and had an amazing lunch of dosas. The girls ate them and also loved trying something new. We were both impressed when Clara was gladly eating chicken curry. 

We then walked around the corner to the Children's Museum of Manhattan. This museum was a bit pricey as we had to also pay for the girls (most museums around here don't charge for children their age). It was so worth it though! The girls had such a great time. They were both walking all over the place and loved all the slides everywhere. Every time we moved on from one thing to the next they were sad. It was 5 floors that were all so much fun! There was a lot for kids their age and they had a ton of fun playing and watching the other kids. We stayed for a few hours and then headed out from there. It being their nap time we expected them to sleep for quite a while. 

Lucy had other plans. The ride home wasn't fun with her even with the DVD players we bought. They helped some, but she was teething and exhausted, so didn't want to be in her carseat. I ended up in the backseat with them for most of the ride home. We stopped at a rest area for dinner (soup dumplings that we had picked up in the city before heading out) but unfortunately there weren't any tables there apart from the ones outdoors and buried under a least a foot of snow. We improvised and made it work on a bench and then let the girls walk around and tire themselves out. 

For the rest of the trip Lucy mostly slept but would wake up crying about every 15-20 minutes. It wasn't a fun 3 remaining hours to say the least. With traffic and stops our ride home took 7 hours. Luckily both girls went down in their cribs and slept the rest of the night once we got home. 

I'm feeling so much better about things having seen and heard that little heartbeat. It's so amazing to think there's another little baby growing inside me. Next week I'll probably end up at the local fertility clinic for my ultrasound unless I'm able to get in at my ob's office. I'm hoping things continue to go well and stay uneventful. 

Transfer-iversary

This weekend marks one year that we transferred our perfect embryos. Highlights from that day included: seeing those perfect embryos on the screen and having a hard time believing they were ours, taking Valium and walking around Manhattan, soup dumplings for takeout on our way out of the city, and the full moon that accompanied our long drive home. 

I can't believe that a year ago my little girls were starting to grow inside me. I'm so grateful we gave it one last try and that embryos #18 and 19 turned out to be my perfect girls. I'm so lucky to have them and to be their mommy. I often catch myself saying "mommy's coming" or "mommy's here" to them and just can't believe I'm someone's mommy. I'm a mommy to 2 amazing little people! 

Easter and Graduation

We had our last appointment with Dr. Br.averman this past Monday. 

We left Friday evening and spent the weekend with my sister K in Albany. She and I dyed Easter eggs Saturday while the boys hung out. We all took a long walk with little Ben strapped to W's chest in a carrier (he really wanted to carry him) in the beautiful sunshine.

On Saturday afternoon we met my Dad and his gf at a sports bar to watch the NCAA basketball game. Syracuse played Marquette. We were rooting for Syracuse and my Dad was rooting for Marquette since this is his alma mater. W had a good time egging on my dad when Syracuse won. Baby Ben came as well and slept the entire time.

Sunday morning I woke up to find that my sister hid all the Easter eggs for me and W to find. I hid them last year, but since she has baby Ben she was up first and hid them. I had gotten a bunch of candy and put together easter baskets for K, my BiL D, and W. K cooked a delicious breakfast. My Dad, and my BiL's parents came over for dinner on Sunday night and we had a pretty delicious feast.

Baby Ben wearing the adorable hat I bought him

I spent a lot of time over the weekend snuggling with little Ben and thinking about how it's going to be with 2 little ones. K and I gave him a bath and he loved it. He's a pretty easy-going little guy (so far) and still super cute. He's really tiny and loves to be held and snuggled. He's getting more alert and starting to look around more. We saw him roll over from his belly to his back once. It was pretty impressive since he's only 5 weeks old.

On Sunday night we headed down to our "second home" AKA our friends apartment in Queens. We got in pretty late and had to do my shots on the road. I got a little annoyed with W when he left the car door open when my pants were down, showing off my lovely butt to anyone who wanted to look. The worst part was I yelled at him to shut the door more quickly and he didn't hear me so opened the door back up to once again display my butt. 

Monday morning we got up, got ready, and headed out for a breakfast of delicious NYC bagels. We arrived just in time and I wrapped up the little gift we brought (2 bottles of Finger Lakes wine) for Dr. B in the car.

We didn't wait too long to be called back but waited for quite a bit once we were in the room. I was so disappointed when the nurse told me that "wandy" wanted to see me again. They had me undress from the waist down and we waited and waited. It was getting hot and my legs and butt were sticking to the paper on the table, but eventually Dr. B came in. He wasn't in his usual super sarcastic mood, but it was also Monday morning after a holiday weekend.

He put "wandy" in and neither W or I saw anything right away. This worried me a little because I expected them to immediately come into view. Well, he moved "wandy" a little and there they were. He hovered over one of them to try to find a heartbeat. He waited about 10 seconds and then turned the volume up. Still nothing. He was looking at the screen making some confused/focused face (or what it seemed like to me) and I started to panic. My heart was beating so fast and we still didn't hear any little heartbeat. I looked at W with a look of terror. Finally I just asked him, "Is there a heartbeat?" He apologized and said that yes, but that the computer took a minute to really pick it up. He said he turned it up so we could hear it. Then, we heard that amazing sound and I was so relieved.

Both babies looked great and are starting to measure a bit different. The ultrasound tech told me they would at my last appointment. Baby A (the baby on the bottom) was measuring about 4 days ahead at 12w3d. He/she really looked like it wanted to take a cozy little nap. Its heartbeat was something like 166. Baby B was once again our mover and shaker. That baby measured right on target at 11w6d. It had a heartbeat of 178. It was flailing its little arms and legs and moving around quite a bit. W was so happy to see them moving. He loves the photos. He keeps looking at them and smiling.

As Dr. B started to remove "wandy" I asked if we were going to get any pictures. He said he knew there was something he forgot, and went back to take a few.

Baby B waving

I love this picture of their little heads. Baby B was snuggled in too deep to get a good pic of them together. 

Baby A

Babies looking like aliens

Dr. B said he definitely didn't need to see us again and asked if we had any questions. I asked about all of my meds. I was instructed to stop PIO shots, Neupogen shots, and Estrogen patches (SOOO happy!!!) When I asked about Lovenox he looked back through my chart and said he would like to see me stay on it throughout the pregnancy but reduced from twice to once/day. This is mainly due to the fact that I have Leiden Factor V. He told me Metformin should be something I continue through pregnancy and beyond since I have a metabolic disorder, PCOS. He said to take baby aspirin throughout pregnancy and "until the day before". I think W and I were both a little confused so didn't really ask. He then told us we were supposed to ask "until the day before what?" He told us the day before I die. I said I may not have warning, but if I'm given 24 hours to live that I will certainly stop. He joked that I will be celebrating when they give me 24 hours to live because that means I can stop my baby aspirin.

We gave him his gift and card and thanked him again. I had wanted to give him a hug but didn't think that would be a good idea since I was naked from the waist down. I had also wanted to get my picture taken with him, but again for the same reason I couldn't. Oh well.

W hummed the graduation song as we walked to our car, super happy and amazed. We grabbed all of my meds I would no longer use and brought them back into the office to donate them. The office gave us a lot of donated meds while I was doing my IVF cycle so I was happy to return the favor.

We headed into NYC for an amazing day with beautiful weather. We did a lot of walking and didn't do anything super special, but had a great day. It was 62 degrees and sunny, the warmest we have felt since early fall. We ate some delicious pizza and enjoyed the sights. It really was a perfect day.

Now that I am done with Dr. B I feel a little lost. I have to call my ob's office and schedule my next appointment. We have decided to skip the NT scan since I've had so many extra ultrasounds. I'm guessing I won't need to be seen for quite a few weeks.

W and his mother are both dying to tell the world, but I don't think I'm there yet. W is pushing for next week since we will be 13 weeks, but I'm not sure. I have a little belly but it's not hugely noticeable. I'm still fitting into my jeans and wearing my regular clothes. My pants can no longer travel through the dryer, but if I let them air dry they still fit fine. I guess I just need to make the adjustment to no longer going to/needing a fertility doctor and clinic. It might take a little time. It's all I've known up until now.

We are so excited about having twins and talk about the babies all the time. The truth is though, I am in complete denial that it's happening inside my body. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the fact that I have 2 babies growing inside of me right now. Maybe when I begin to feel them move it will seem more real but for now it might as well be happening in someone else's body. 

Ultrasound

Our ultrasound was Monday morning at 9:45. We headed down to NYC on Saturday evening and planned to spend all of Sunday in the city. Our friend's still have their empty (minus a bed) apartment in Queens that they gave us the keys to again. It's so nice having a free and empty place to stay right in the city. 

Empire State Plaza lit up for President's Day Saturday night

We slept in Sunday morning and took our time before we headed into Manhattan. We took the subway in (after an extra little ride and some confusion) and first went to Central Park. We saw all of the horse drawn carriages and looked out at the park for a bit. We were pretty hungry at that point so headed to look for some lunch. 

We stopped at an Italian restaurant and got some amazing soup and pizza. When we were totally full we went to FAO Schwarz. We spent quite a bit of time browsing around and had a great time. We picked out and bought a really neat NYC children's book. 

Giant Twizzlers at FAO Schwarz

Our next destination was then Grand Central Station but along the way I wasn't feeling great so we stopped at St. Bart's to take a little rest. We sat and relaxed in the quiet for a bit and then both lit a candle. 

In Grand Central there was a couple taking wedding photos so we watched them for a bit and then got a smoothie and sat a little longer. We admired the beautiful building, looked for a unique gift shop that was recommended and closed, and did some great people watching.

 From Grand Central we then headed to Broadway/Times Square to look for discounted show tickets. The line was really short and we bought tickets for an Off-Broadway show for that evening. We went into a couple of gift shops and bought an I Love NY onesie we've wanted to buy for a while. We also got a little outfit that had New York taxi cabs all over it. 

Since I knew I would need my Lovenox shot during the time the show would be going on, and we had some time before the show, we went back to the apartment to grab it. It was absolutely freezing out so we warmed up at the apartment for a short time. We grabbed some amazingly delicious and fast dinner at a Tibetan/Nepalese restaurant. We rushed to get to the show and really enjoyed it. It was a super small theatre and there were two actors in the whole show. I decided next time I want to see something bigger and on Broadway, but we still had a great time. 

Without a nap at all yesterday and with our busy day I fell asleep shortly after returning to the apartment. 

I woke up this morning feeling terrified and so nervous for everything. I made the mistake of looking last week at my blog to read about my symptoms and the way I felt when I had a missed miscarriage two years ago. I found out the day we found there was no heartbeat was the same date of my appointment today (Feb 18th). Finding this out made me even more terrified. 

I could hardly eat anything but forced myself to take some bites of cereal. We gave ourselves plenty of time and arrived super early. We sat in the car a bit and then decided to head in about 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment. The office was super packed and I knew we would be waiting a while. We waited nervously for about an hour before being called in. 

Once called in the nurse asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was really nervous. I asked if they would be doing blood work and she said as long as everything went well they wouldn't. She told me Dr. Br.averman would be doing the ultrasound. 

We waited another 10 minutes or so before he came in. When he asked me how I was I told him I was terrified. I said he didn't doubt it and got right down to business. He told us he may not say anything initially and that we shouldn't be alarmed if it happened.

 "Wandy" went in and within a few second W and I both saw two little sacs. Pretty quickly he confirmed what we thought and said that there were two sacs. He then zoomed in on them and said there were yolk sacs. A few seconds more and he detected one, and then two little heartbeats. He pointed them out and then tried to turn on the sound to hear them. He said because I was breathing so heavy (being so nervous) that we might not hear them or get a measure. We did not hear them and he said it was likely they had just started beating. From there he looked at my ovaries and then looked at the doppler blood flow to my uterus. He took a while doing this and I had definitely calmed down a bit at that point. Once he was done with that he went back and looked at the heartbeats again. He congratulated us and said something about this being their first appearance together. 

You can't see much, but there's definitely two! One only looks smaller because of the angle. 

He pointed out something about the wave of the blood flow and said he wanted to keep an eye on it. I think it had something to do with the way the blood flow reverberated or something. He wanted us to come back in two weeks, but said everything looks great and that we shouldn't be concerned about the blood flow thing. He said usually it resolves itself and thats why he wants to look again in two weeks.

W and I are so excited and scared. It really doesn't seem real at all and we are waiting for it all to sink in. Two little heartbeats!! It's so hard to believe that this may be happening. 

Retrieval Keeps Things Interesting

My retrieval was scheduled for yesterday (Monday) at 1:30 P.M. I've never had a retrieval that late in the day, so I figured I would be very hungry and thirsty leading up to it. The cutoff for food and drink was midnight Sunday night. 

On Sunday afternoon we headed to Queens to stay at an empty apartment owned by our friends. They are in the process of selling it but are waiting to close. We arrived around 9:00 and found the place easily. The apartment was really nice and spacious, but quite empty. Apart from the bed there wasn't much else. Unfortunately, we weren't able to pick up on any wireless networks so watched Net.flix from W's i.Phone. Not the biggest screen ever, but it worked. 

We slept in Monday morning and took our time as we showered and got ready. We left the apartment around 11:00 to head into Manhattan where the retrieval would take place. We found a cheap parking garage nearby and left our car for a few hours. 

From there we had over an hour to kill so decided to walk around some. I do not recommend walking around Manhattan around lunch time when you haven't eaten in twelve hours and are super hungry. I have to say though that the good and bad smells would waver from one step to the next, and one block to the next. There were certainly tons of restaurants to admire as we walked. There was even a guy who stood outside a place and offered free hot soup samples. Soup is my absolute favorite so it was a bit torturous to walk past and not take a delicious sample. 

We went into a few stores and made a few small purchases to kill the time. We then headed to the clinic with plenty of time to spare.  The staff was not overly communicative about anything. There was another couple there scheduled to go before me and the husband was not being cooperative. He refused to sign any consents without things being thoroughly explained to him. He also came to the front desk to complain that it was 1:05 and his wife's procedure time was supposed to be 1:00. I'm not sure if it was their first time or what, but they were making things much more difficult than they needed to be. 

Dr. Br.averman has a contract with this office. They only perform procedures and don't actually treat any patients. I would not see Dr. B during this procedure. 

I got changed and waited in the smallest recovery room ever. As I changed the other woman was taken into the procedure room. The recovery room I waited in contained three beds with a curtain between each one. They had me wait in the bed closest to the wall with the procedure room on the other side of that wall. There was a sliding door between the rooms.

As I waited a nurse came in and told me W had gone to give his sample. At one point the RE came in to explain the procedure and risks to me. He asked me if I had any questions and I asked about what kind of anesthesia would be used. For my last retrieval there was a shortage of Pro.pofol and I was in a lot of pain and remembered most of the procedure. Luckily the RE said they had Pro.pofol and joked I had done my last retrieval in Mexico. 

After what seemed like a little while the sliding door opened and I heard hysterical crying. I guess the woman who went before me did not wake up in a good place. They wheeled a bed from the recovery room into the procedure room and I heard them giving her instructions to transfer into that bed. The whole time she was hysterical and I heard it all. I'm not going to lie, this definitely made my heart start to beat a bit faster. 

After they wheeled her into the recovery room and had her cry in the bed next to me they told me it was my turn. I walked into the adjacent room and was immediately asked by the nurse if it was my first retrieval. When I told her it wasn't she was relieved because she didn't want the other patient to freak me out. 

The next bit was a complete whirlwind. The RE came in and instructed me to scoot down the bed while lots of other people moved around the room. I guessed who the anesthesiologist was and finally asked. He started the IV and asked me literally three questions, two of which were the same. It wasn't exactly the confidence I desired. Next things I knew I looked up to see am empty syringe in the anesthesiologists hand and heard him say, "things are underway." I felt a slight burning in my throat and was asleep quickly. 

I woke up and the nurses asked me to walk back to the recovery room. I was super lightheaded and felt  lots of cramps. They had me lie in the same bed I was in previously and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep a little more. 

I guess they had other plans for me. They continued to bother me as I just wanted to be left alone to nap. The one nurse offered me a drink and I had zero interest in it. The anesthesiologist and RE came in numerous times. They put a blood pressure cuff on each of my arms. The anesthesiologist at one point lifted my legs and held them in the air for a few minutes. He kept straightening my arm for the IV and asked me to lie on my back rather than my side. They asked me if I was in pain to which I replied yes. They gave me something for the pain but it didn't really help. Most of this time was mostly a blur. 

Eventually I realized they were concerned about my blood pressure. When they asked me what my systolic pressure typically ran I said around 120-130. I then asked what it was. They replied that it was in the 70's! 

I remember seeing W as he hung back a bit and that I felt really cold. The RE came back (apparently he had left) and grabbed my hand to talk to me. I told him his hand was really cold. He decided he wanted to do an ultrasound since my blood pressure was so low and I was in pain. 

They wheeled me back into the room and did a trans-abdominal ultrasound. There wasn't any fluid there so they just continued to pump fluids into me through my IV and brought me back into the recovery room. 

Slowly my blood pressure came back up. The RE said he didn't want us to leave that night and told us it would be best to stay another night. He gave W his cell phone number, his secretary's number, and the hospital info for the one he had rights to. He said he thought I would be fine but it was just good to have that info and keep and eye on things. He said my blood pressure likely got so low due to the fact that I was so dehydrated. I guess that's what happens when you can't have anything to eat or drink for 13 hours. 

Once things were under control and I was more conscious I asked about how many eggs we got. The nurses disappeared for a few minutes and came back to give me some seriously disappointing news. 

They retrieved twelve eggs, only twelve. I know I had at least twenty follicles and felt a bit blindsided by this information. I started to ask questions and they brought in the embryologist. She explained that many of the follicles did not contain eggs. I was completely heartbroken. I am used to egg counts in the high teens or twenties and I knew we had a LOT of follicles. 

I know a lot of people would be thrilled with that many eggs but I was just caught off guard. I really had expected a much higher number. 

I had been instructed by Dr. B's office to take a HCG booster shot of 1,500 IU's after retrieval. I was completely confused about how to do this, so called his office to speak to a nurse. She talked me through it and then I asked about the empty follicles. She said she would ask Dr. B and put me on hold. 

Then Dr. B got on the phone and asked me what was up. I told him what I was told and how disappointed I was. He listened and replied with true concern and compassion. He said no one really knows why empty follicles occur but they likely aren't really empty. The eggs instead stick to the wall of the follicle and then the egg does not come free easily. He said likely it was an egg quality issue with those eggs but that it said nothing about the eggs that were retrieved. He told me it was way too early to get disappointed and that anything over 10 eggs was still good.  He said it could have been the stimulation protocol but there was no way to know that at the time. I honestly felt on the verge of tears. I was glad I was able to talk to Dr. B, and he seemed so positive, but I still felt pretty low. 

W tried to reassure me that we still got a bunch of eggs and that the embryologist said the eggs we got looked really great. 

We left around 4:30 and headed to get some food. My friend had recommended a mac & cheese restaurant so we ate there. As we sat and ate I wanted to cry multiple times. Between the blood pressure fiasco and empty follicles I was feeling really low. W continued to try to reassure me, but I just needed to process everything. From there we headed to a frozen yogurt place a few blocks away and I treated myself to as many delicious toppings as appealed to me. 

We headed back to the apartment in Queens and I napped for a bit in bed. After an hour or two I woke up and wanted to get some fresh air and go for a walk. I was a little hungry so we decided to look for a place to eat. We stopped at some kind of South American restaurant and had some delicious homemade soup. W and I both joked after we left that being in that restaurant was like being in another country. I was convinced I wanted to take the train into Manhattan to see a late night movie, but W was a little more guarded. He didn't think it was a good idea and I realized he was probably right when the cramping returned. 

We went back and watched a little more Net.flix on the i.Phone before we fell asleep. We did my PIO shot and I slapped some estrogen patches on my stomach. I still felt pretty sore and had a lot of cramps. 

I dreamt last night that I was looking for a place to hide and bawl my eyes out. I didn't want W to be there, so found some place and curled up in a chair with one of my dogs. I'm sure it reflects the disappointment I felt. 

I woke up this morning and felt much better. My stomach seemed to have gone done in size and I had gotten up a few times in the night to pee out some of the fluid they pumped me full of. 

We walked to get some breakfast and had another foreign country-like experience. After, we got back in the car ready to head home and I felt SO bloated and full. I reclined for most of the ride and things were quite uneventful as we drove. 

Around 3:00 I emailed Dr. B to get the fertilization report. He responded in literally two minutes to tell me of the twelve eggs retrieved 8 were mature. They performed ICSI on all 8 and... ALL EIGHT FERTILIZED!! This really helped to perk me up a lot.  Our first IVF we had a 55% fertilization rate, #2 we had 80%, #3 we had 61%, and #4 we had 68%. 100% really is great! I asked about In-Virto Maturation and he said they would try with the other 3 eggs. 

So, as much as I was disappointed by the number of eggs retrieved and overwhelmed by the whole blood pressure thing, I was happy to hear about the fertilization. 

We got home this evening around 5:00 and my MiL brought our dogs home to us and joined us for dinner. I still feel pretty full and uncomfortable and am sure I have at least a little OHSS, but I am okay. I'm going to try to work tomorrow but will see how I feel when I get up/as the day progresses. I really need to make some money and work since I have taken off so much time lately. 

I joked to W that I've had two near death experiences (sliding off the road in the snow and really low blood pressure after retrieval) already this cycle. Hopefully everything else will be smooth sailing from this point forward.

My transfer is still scheduled for Saturday at this point and we will head down Friday night and possibility stay the weekend in the city now that we have our own apartment to stay in. 

Tomorrow I will hear again how things are progressing and hopefully it will be more good news. Things have definitely been crazy this time, but I know it will all be worth it if we end up pregnant. Either way, there nothing else we can do but hold on and try to enjoy the ride. 

Follow Up With Dr. B

Thursday was our follow-up appointment with Dr. Br.averman. Our appointment was at 2:30 in the afternoon and we had planned to both work on Wednesday and head down after to stay with my cousin in NYC. Well, they had predicted about 9 inches of snow so we ended up leaving early to avoid it. We got into Manhattan around four and my cousin wasn't going to be free until quite a bit later. We parked our car and walked around Ti.mes Sq.uare, Br.oadway, and Ro.ckefeller Cen.ter. The weather was pretty awful and within a short amount of time we were ready to head back to the car. We were both soaked and cold. 

From there we decided to do the driving tour of Manhattan. We saw the Empire State Building, the Freedom Tower, 5th Avenue, and Greenwich Village. It was so much better from the warmth of the car. W only triggered one episode of road rage from another driver, so, all in all it was successful and much more enjoyable. 

We met up with my cousin and her husband and had dinner delivered to his Muay Thai boxing gym in Manhattan. They were doing some maintenance since they were closed for the holidays. After a bit we headed back to Queens to their apartment. 

W and I slept on their fold out couch which wasn't the most comfortable, but was most definitely free. We woke on Thursday morning, showered, got some breakfast, and hung out for a bit before we headed to Long Island for our appointment. I had my list of questions and was ready to meet with Dr. B. 

We didn't wait long to see him and there weren't many people in the office. It was such a different feel from my current RE's office where you wonder if there is going to be enough seats for everyone. One woman came out and was talking with the receptionist. Then Dr. B came out and gave her a big hug and chatted with her for a bit. I'm pretty sure she was pregnant, although I tried not to eavesdrop. 

When we headed back to Dr. B's office he greeted us warmly and mentioned something about how much easier this appointment was than the last one. He first asked how many frozen embyros we had left. When I told him five he started to make a plan for that. Then I told him we were more interested in doing a fresh cycle at his clinic than using those frozen embryos right now. 

He thinks our past failures are more linked to the lab than either eggs or sperm. I can't deny the success rates are really low at my current clinic for fresh cycles. Their frozen success rates are abysmal. That's not to say it doesn't work for some people. I know lots of people who got pregnant there. I just don't appear to be an easy case. 

Dr. B thinks we should do a similar protocol to last time with a Lupron trigger, so that means no Lupron to suppress. I've been on birth control pills for around two weeks now so will stop that soon. At that time we will start stims. I haven't received a calendar yet, but I have an idea of what it will look like. We will use Gonal-F and Menopur and I'm also guessing Ganirelix. In addition, we will increase the Neupogen dose a bit. We will wait until the day before the transfer to add in the Neupogen since I guess it has been linked to higher estradiol levels when added sooner. We don't need any help in that department. 

I asked about doing an endometrial biopsy again and he said studies aren't conclusive enough to do it at this point so it's probably not worth it. I asked about repeating the HSG since I've only ever had that done once and he said he sees too many false positives with it and that it's not a great test. The best way to look at everything is with a lap surgery which I have had, twice. I asked about PIO vs. Crinone and he said that at least initially he prefers to use PIO. I asked whether our chemical pregnancies were likely the result of chromosomal abnormalities or the HLA matching. He said it could be a combination of both and that it's hard to know. 

I asked at what point implantation is reduced with high estradiol levels and he said around 4000. He agreed to aim for a fresh transfer and said that, "maybe there's something there" since I've only ever had implantation with fresh cycles. 

He was super positive and said we will have a baby. Even if it's not a guarantee, it was really nice to hear. He even said that if we aren't successful this cycle (frozen embryos included) that he will give us another cycle for free. He's not going to leave us hanging. 

He said his lab is able to mature eggs and that if it means triggering me a day sooner to keep my estradiol a little lower, it's not a big deal. At that point we would likely have some mature eggs so it would just mean some would have to undergo in-vitro maturation.

 Once our conversation appeared to be at a near end I asked if I was going to get an ultrasound. He said yes and called his tech down. 

We went into the ultrasound room and started. The tech didn't say much but I knew a doppler blood flow portion would be performed. The ultrasound took a really long time as she was super thorough. I had no idea what she was looking for with the doppler so I lost interest quickly. When she finished she told me not to get dressed and to wait for Dr. B to come in the room.

When he came back he told me a number of things, all new to me. He told me I had a fibroid that was about an inch. It was making my uterine cavity appear curved. I asked whether this was something that grew slowly and he said it had likely been there for a while. This pissed me off a bit that I had never been told about it at all. I'm wondering if my current clinic ever even saw it. He said he wanted to perform a hysteroscopy to take a look at it to be sure it wasn't in my uterus. If it was we were looking at surgery to remove it. He joked that he could do it that day but that the machine wasn't sterilized so he could give me a half off deal on it. I asked whether it could be done the following day and he said fine. 

He then told me I had reduced blood flow to both sides of my uterus. He recommended I use Viagra vaginally to help with blood flow as well as Vitamin E daily. In addition, he said they would double my dosage of Lovenox next cycle to twice a day. Hopefully this will all help with the blood flow issue. I'm really glad I went and had this done because it obviously gave us new information and changed our treatment a bit. When the tech was performing the doppler portion I asked her why more clinics don't do it. She said it's because they likely don't understand the importance. 

We returned the next morning for the hysteroscopy. We waited a bit in the procedure room this time but when Dr. B came in he joked about reading the cliff notes for how to perform the procedure. When I asked the previous day whether I would be conscious for the procedure he said I would but he would not. The hysteropscopy itself was short and showed the fibroid wasn't going to interfere in any way so that was really great news. From there he turned to W and said he was sorry he didn't find his watch in there. 

I talked with his nurse for a bit and we talked about meds for this upcoming cycle, my calendar, and supplements Dr. B recommended. These were: Omega 3 Fish oil 2x's/day, Vitamin C 1000-2000 mg/day, Vitamin D 4000 units/day, Pycnogenol 100 mg/day, Vitamin E 500 mg/day, and Vitamin B complex. In addition, she gave me a sample of something called Preg.nitude which contains Folic acid and Myo-inositol and instructed me to take in twice a day. They also wrote me a script for Mentanx which is to help with the MTHFR. The nurse also said Dr. B is going to want to see me around day eight of my stims to perform the ultrasound and take a look for himself. This is going to make things a lot more complicated and I don't think W will join me for that appointment. We will see at what time it falls and see who I can rope into coming with me. 

All in all, I'm really glad we went. Talking with someone face-to-face is so much better than over the phone. We regained some confidence and feel positive moving forward with Dr. B. We also received some new information that changes things a bit. I'm not holding my breath that IVF #5 (holy crap) is going to be the one, but it's nice to have some hope again that it may work out in the end. 

The Dark Clouds are Parting

Things are looking up. The dark clouds that were hanging around us last week seem to be moving aside and allowing for some bright light. We are feeling happier, smiling more, and moving on from the sadness. It took a lot longer this time, but it also changed some of our perspectives on things.

The orientation at the adoption agency Tuesday night really helped. We drove about two hours west and arrived early. It was a good thing we did because finding the office was incredibly confusing. I guess they had just moved so it wasn't marked as their office and we spent almost 25 minutes looking for the place, driving up and down the road. The orientation itself was informative and helped to explain the whole process really well. They had a bunch of sample profiles to look at and it was nice to see what people share about themselves. The agency also had a family come in with their four month old son to share their experience. They had waited thirteen months to be matched, but their little guy was adorable. The process sounds difficult and expensive, but totally worth it. I'm sure it's incredibly hard to wait for "the call." It seems to different from doing treatments.

After the orientation we went for dinner. The food was horrible but we laughed and had a good time. We had some great conversations in the car during our two hour ride home. It was fun to talk about and we both felt so positive.

We aren't jumping up and down to start registering with them. I thought it would be a good idea to speak to an adoption attorney first to get some reviews of this agency and possible other options before moving forward. If we do choose this agency they believe in open adoptions. When I first asked W about it we were on the fence. The more we thought about it the more it seemed fine. W said, "It's just another person we get to brag to about our kid." I thought that was funny.

When I looked up local adoption attorneys yesterday I found a good family friend of my MiL and FiL listed. W called him today and he said although he does deal with some adoptions, he had a good friend who primarily does them. He gave us his number and W left a message yesterday afternoon.

In other news Aunt Flo finally decided to show her face a full eight days after stopping my meds. It was the longest I have ever waited and I was honestly started to get concerned. I emailed the nurse at Dr. B's office on Wednesday and by Thursday morning things had started. I also got a call from Dr. B's office saying they had an appointment available for the 27th. I called back and we are scheduled for 2:30. We are planning to take Thursday and Friday off from work and spend some time in NYC. He isn't doing office visits in the city anymore (Hurricaine Sandy maybe?), but it's so close and a great excuse to spend some time in the city. I'm pretty sure the tree will still be up in Rockefeller center so I'm pretty excited to see that. W has two cousins that live in the city, I have one, and his aunt and uncle live in northern NJ. I'm sure we can find someone to stay with.

I have to call my local clinic to schedule a baseline appointment before starting birth control pills. I'm a little nervous about it because they always ask what kind of cycle I will be doing. I know they won't like the idea of me going somewhere else, but I think it's time to move on from them. 

It's somewhat alarming how much cheaper my current clinic's prices are. It has to be for some reason, right? I can't believe it's just because the RE who owns it has a good heart. We were able to buy three cycles for a little over $7,000. That included ICSI, assisted hatching, anesthesia, and all frozen cycles involved. It didn't include meds and monitoring. Doesn't that seems bit too cheap? My first IVF cycle was at a publicly funded state university clinic. They still charged us about $6,000 for the cycle we did there. 

 I'm sure my current clinic is a great clinic if you are a straightforward case and the one-size-fits-all approach works. Unfortunately, I'm not that person. I would have loved nothing more than for our first cycle to work with them. Three fresh cycles (one with a freeze all) and three frozen cycles later it still didn't worked. I shouldn't feel bad going somewhere else, we need to do what is best for us. At this point though I'm still not completely convinced what is best is doing a cycle with Dr. B. It may just be pursuing adoption, but I think I'd like some closure on treatments. The thing about that is as long as we have five frozen embyros, we won't have closure. I'd really like to make a decision by the end of the year so that if we pay for another cycle we can deduct it on our taxes. With all of our medical expenses this year it would help us to get some of it back. The prices at Dr. B's office certainly aren't as cheap as where I am now. 

None of this is easy, but now we have some plans in place. We are hoping to speak with a lawyer soon and at least register with an agency. We will meet with Dr. B and make a plan moving forward with him most likely. It's been a bumpy ride, but hopefully there will be fewer potholes in the future. Either that, or I should buckle up and hang on tight.