2016 in Review

I've done this post every year for the past few years and I always enjoy doing it. Even though we are part of the way through February already, it's always nice to reflect back on the past year. Reading this post for last year makes me sad I didn't keep up with blogging much this past year. I'd love to recap what I did each month like each prior year, but I'm afraid I didn't keep close enough track to do that.



What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before? 
I took my diet/nutrition seriously and lost a lot of weight. I did the 21 day fix in February and then a round of Whole 30 over the summer. I got back to the weight I was 7 years ago when we got married. Losing all this weight unfortunately ended up in the loss of my wedding ring as it no longer fit my finger and I was still wearing it. Good thing we had insurance and I was able to get a new one, but it was pretty devastating. 
We took a road trip with the kids to North Carolina. We had done vacations, but always flew. This was our first big car trip with all three girls. 

Did you keep your resolutions and will you make more for this year?
I did a great job of trying to get and stay healthier this year. I'm so proud of myself for all of the weight I lost (about 25 pounds) and the shape I'm in. I'm able to run a 5k no problem and with a pretty decent time. Cutting out sugar is a big deal but starches was an even bigger deal. I feel like I got my PCOS under control and learned to listen to my body and how food makes me feel. The Whole 30 was seriously life changing and I'd love to keep up that way of eating as much as possible. I'd also like to make healthier choices regarding exercise and our evening routine. Most nights we don't accomplish much and veg out to the television. It would be nice to spend that time doing more reading or productive tasks. When the weather is nicer it's much easier to feel motivated. I hope to do more running this year and maybe even do a 10k. I also really wish I kept up with this blog better. I'd like to at least do a monthly update post on our lives to have it written down somewhere. Life is so crazy it's hard to find the time though. 

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Michele welcomed a baby boy Benjamin in January. 

Did anyone close to you die?
Luckily, no. 

What countries did you visit?
We stayed in the US but did take a trip to my parent's condo in Florida. It was such a nice trip and we plan to go again this year. Much better than our trip to Mexico the year prior. 

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
I would love to lose another 10 pounds and get into the 120's. Taking care of myself and filling my own cup has been so huge for me. W and I struggled some but really communicated well in the end and made some huge realizations. I'd like to make healthier choices that my girls can witness and internalize. 

What dates will be etched upon your memory, and why?
September 3- Lucy and Clara's third ice cream birthday 
October 3- Stella's first Fiesta birthday!
I'm so bad with remembering dates all that's left here is birthdays

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Taking care of myself and putting myself first for the first time in a long time. It felt so great to have "me time" at the gym and put energy and effort into myself, not always just my kids. W really stepped it up to make this happen by watching all three girls most evenings and preparing dinner while I went to the gym. 

What was your biggest failure?
I can't really think of any ways I feel I really failed this past year. W and I struggled with communication, but things are better now and we are seeing eye to eye more consistently. Making time for each other and date nights has made a huge difference. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got food poisoning in the fall and for the first time since having children felt entirely unable to care for them. It was so bad. Other than that, no major illnesses. Clara and Stella both got ear tubes. 

What was the best thing you bought?
We took two amazing vacations this past year that I funded by working part-time. Our first one was to Florida. It was so nice to get away from Central New York in the winter and have some family time. We had a great trip with some super fun beach time. We also took a trip to North Carolina with friends in August. It was so much fun to be at a beach house all week with our family. I hope we can do that again. 

Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, bills, food, car, endless amounts of cute kid/baby things. I'm pretty sure this will be the case for a while. I discovered a new kids clothing line this year and spent far too much on it. Luckily the resale value is good!

What did you get really excited about? 
Our vacations and family time. Finally succeeding at losing weight and making progress with my endurance and speed with running. I'd love to do a 10k this year.

What songs will always remind you of 2015?
Renegades by X Ambassadors
Send My Love by Adele
Can't Stop the Feeling and Get Back up Again from the Trolls movie

Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier or Sadder? Definitely happier. Putting time and energy into myself has been huge for me. I'm happy with my weight for the first time in a long time and feeling stronger and more confident at the gym. I got a Y membership for Christmas from my FiL and have been going at least a few times a week.  
Thinner or Fatter? Thinner! I weigh less than I did when we got married 7.5 years ago. I think I'm back to my college weight!
Richer or Poorer? Probably the same

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saving money haha
What do you wish you'd done less of? 
Arguing and fighting with W. Having three young kids is a huge challenge on our marriage. Amazingly enough, cutting out sugar has made us so much nicer to each other, especially in the mornings. We had a tendency to snap at each other from being crashed and notice we both feel so much more even tempered when we don't consume tons of sugar. 

How did you spend Christmas?
We went to Syracuse for church on Christmas Eve with my MiL and then had dinner at my in-laws after. On Christmas morning my in laws came over after we had breakfast and we opened presents and drank bloody marys. We celebrated with my mom at her house about a week prior as they went to Florida for Christmas. My dad came out a week or two after Christmas for the day to celebrate. We never celebrated with my sister :(

What was your favorite TV program?
We watched a bunch of Naked and Afraid. Prior, we had been totally turned off by the title, but once we realized what it was about we watched it a bunch. 
What was your favorite book of the year?
Wish I had gotten to read more. Even though we started book club back up I still haven't gotten to read any of the books. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch watching T. V.

What were your favorite films of the year?
We saw the Trolls movie at the theatre with Lucy and Clara. It was their first time to the movies and so much fun! It was a super cute movie too. 

What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I wish I could contribute more financially but it's worth it to be home rather than working every day. 

What kept you sane?
W and my friends. I love my fertility buddies and that we still get together often. Winter is always tough for friendships as we don't live super close to any of my friends. I guess my phone really keeps me sane because it keeps me in contact with the outside world. I wish I got to see my friends more often, but hopefully that will improve with nicer weather. 

Tell us valuable lessons you learned in 2016:
It's so important to fill your own cup as a mom. I spent so much time filling up everyone else's cup and never really prioritized myself. It's worth it to put yourself first because you are much better able to fill the cups of those around you when you're pouring from a full one. 

Diet is so much more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss. I learned a lot by doing a round of Whole 30. I'd love to complete another round and reap the benefits, it's just so hard in our culture to eat well. PCOS feels like so much less of an issue when I fuel my body with the right foods. I wish I had figured this out sooner. 

My Whole 30

The past 30 days I embarked on a personal health journey called the Whole 30. I had completed the 21 Day Fix in February and lost 9 pounds and about 8 inches. It was difficult, but it definitely reset some of my eating habits. After that, I was eating pretty well and exercising consistently, yet wasn't seeing as great of results as I hoped. I had hit a serious plateau with my weight loss and nothing was helping getting through it, not even running.  I was also insanely addicted to sugar. The Whole 30 isn't something I had heard about until recently. W and I have tried a lot of different modifications to our diets, but hadn't ever tried this one. The Whole 30 is basically a 30 day paleo diet (no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no legumes, no "treats" even if healthy, and no MSG, carrageenan, or sulfates). As someone who has the metabolic disorder PCOS, I wanted to try this way of eating to see how it made me feel. I was craving sugar and carbohydrates constantly, drinking an obscene amount of coffee, and feeling sluggish, irritable and tired.

During my 30 days I definitely wasn't perfect as that's incredibly difficult with three young kids. To the best of my knowledge, I stayed away from grains, corn, and beans completely during this time. I had dairy a few times including a sundae once (whoops! No, it was a total once-a-summer opportunity to have one of my favorite and local fresh strawberry sundaes, so I decided to go for it). Other than that, I avoided sugar to the best of my knowledge. I ate coconut chips one night without knowing they had sugar and then finished them one other night even though I knew they had sugar. So, like I said I wasn't perfect, but it was still a huge challenge for me and I saw big changes. 

I wrote a little bit every day about how I felt and here are those thoughts. Don't judge because they were my honest feelings and struggles.

Day 1

Easy. Felt great and prepared. Didn't snack at all after dinner. Did plyo workout and it was hard but completed it. 

Day 2

Felt exhausted in the evening. Fell asleep early. Craved sugar after dinner and never felt satisfied. Definitely drinking less coffee. 

Day 3

Craving sugar. Still want sugar. Ran and it was tough but also had 5 days off. Finally ate some prunes at night and felt satisfied rather than sweets. 

Day 4

Super jittery feeling in the am despite 3 eggs and spinach for breakfast. Headache starts in early afternoon but also stressed. Ready to give in to stress with food. 

Day 5

Stella's tubes. So anxious and super nauseous in am. Less tempted by cravings throughout the day. Lunch out at jimmy johns no problem to stick to it and not tempted to stray. Fewer cravings for sugar. Slight headache in afternoon/evening.  

Day 6

Tired. Didn't do much. Ate meals at home. Still craving sweets after dinner. Ate a bunch of applesauce before bed. Stepped on the scale during the day. Down 3 pounds

Day 7

Sunday. Greek festival. Had great breakfast at home. Greek salad, gyro meat for lunch. Ate one piece of feta. SO tempted by baklava sundae!! Extra irritable it seems. Hoping to be better about exercise next week. Irritable. Kill all the things!

Day 8

Exercised in morning but felt like my muscles had zero energy reserve. Mall with Krista. Hard to resist when eating out and she gets coffee and chocolate. My meal may have had soy or sugar in the dressing. Not satisfied feeling by dinner. Frustrating day being tempted so much and not feeling satisfied. 

Day 9

Struggling. Gymnastics performance for the girls and everyone got donuts after. Felt hungry and deprived.  Def less bloated but feeling not worth it today. Made a salad and even a dressing and then the lettuce tasted bitter and bad. Disappointing. Second half of the day not as bad. Yummy dinner (walnut crusted pork and sweet potato mash)

Day 10

SO irritable and annoyed in the morning. Too much whining. Feeling like I'm going to lose it. So emotional all day. Crashed hard at night and then hr+ of insomnia. 

Day 11

Woke up hungry, jittery so had a chia pouch before Pilates 21 days fix video. Not much appetite. Better mood wise. Walt kill all things, especially me. 

Day 12 

Woke up jittery again so had a chia pouch and then went running. Felt pretty good running. Heart rate high. Felt great during the day. No cravings. Splash pad with girls. Good energy levels. Dinner with friends. Cauliflower pizza with a little cheese. Munched out big time on fruit. 

Day 13

Not too bad. Went strawberry picking and was glad was able to eat as many as I wanted. Tempted to make treats so did a strawberry and coconut milk frozen mixture. Prob not ideal, but yummy. Bought an approved snack at all stops running errands. Fell asleep early. Felt really bloated all day.  Energy levels pretty great. 

Day 14

After today halfway through! Father's Day picnic lunch. Not having hard time with breakfast but wanting treats with celebrations or on weekends. W struggling too. Got iced coffees and girls got a treat. Wishing I could have ice cream. Realizing I use any holiday as an excuse to have sweets. 

Day 15

Kate (my sister) came to visit and lunch with friend char. Not too bad. Lunch not delicious but fine. Wanted a sundae SO bad as Kate got one, so came home and ate a bunch of applesauce. Ran in the morning and felt really good. Energy levels good. Scale frustrating but also high for W so idk. 

Day 16 

Feeling low after visit with Kate. Wanted to give up so badly. Forced myself to look forward to fruit and went to wegmans. Felt much better with some (new) favorite items, especially a paleo granola I found. 

Day 17

Fine during day. Ran in morning and felt pretty good. Dave Matthews show at night. Chili cheese nachos looked pretty delicious. Can tell W is done and doesn't want to do it anymore. Not really losing much weight but trying not to lose faith. 

Day 18

Writing that makes me realize it hasn't been as long as I think. Feels really long! 

Day 19

Starting to feel like autopilot. Ran to wegmans for a few things and still wanted lunch at home. Bought something sweetened by accident and ate a little before realized. 

Day 20!

Not tough. Had picnic lunch at hike and picnic while we watched hot air balloons. 

Day 21

Sunday. Went to the lake and brought own food. Wasn't quite enough food so hungry. Wanting a strawberry sundae from dougs. Felt crampy like ovulating or something. 

Day 22

Feeling fine but sick of same foods kinda. Feeling like I'm looking forward to being done. Really wanted strawberry sundae. Called and they'll stop serving them before I'm finished with my Whole 30. Might have to get one. Ate some sweetened coconut chips instead. 

Day 23

Did leg stuff with heavier weights. Lots of sweat but feeling pretty good. Went to wegmans and found a lunch (salad bar). Was ok. Made second lunch with shaved steak and peppers and was SO good. Had again for dinner. Fruit with dinner really yummy. Made me crave sugar after less. 

Day 24

Ran 5k this morning in 32 mins and was so proud of myself. Didn't feel great doing it, but was motivated by times being announced from the app while running. 

Day 25

Did arm stuff in the morning then Green lakes beach. Not even really craving sugar but got the strawberry sundae. Super melty soupy mess. Not as good as hoped. Big fight with W. Obvious food doesn't make me happy, need to find that within. 

Day 26

Was surprised ice cream didn't bother me more. Feeling down and missing Kate. Didn't exercise today. Not really craving crap anymore. Energy really good, head feeling clear. 

Day 27

Ran 4 miles in am. Exhausting, but making nice progress with my times. Headed to Ithaca. Lunch disappointing as I thought the bakery would have more options. Got wings but they were cold and super gross not heated up. Frustrated and a little hangry. Went out for ice cream after dinner and then W came home and tried to eat everything in the house. Obviously sugar put him in overdrive. 

Day 28

Went to the lake. Super bored during nap time and then late dinner made stressful. Fireworks in Emerson park. Smelled cotton candy and scoped if out but didn't really actually want it that badly. Not that important or desired. Brought cherries and ate those. Loving all the fresh fruit options.  

Day 29

4th of July. Went to lake and had picnic lunch. Made list and went to wegmans for mostly whole 30 foods while technically done tomorrow. Got cream for watermelon as a 4th of July treat. Didn't whip but still yummy. Dairy really doesn't bother me and I know I can avoid it pretty easily. 

Day 30!!

Easy and totally habitual. Ran in the morning and wished I'd eaten a little something prior. Still decent time for running. Went to beach with friends and brought picnic. Grilled burgers for dinner. Not missing the bun at all. Finished tonight but still planning to mainly continue as a lifestyle. 

So, what did I take away from this? Well, I'm into the 130's for the first time since the year I got married! The first week of no sugar was beyond rough, but I discovered I can totally "hit the spot" with fruit rather than sweets. Sure, there's still a pretty high sugar content in fruit, but it's naturally occurring and has added fiber. I learned I don't need carbs to fuel my body, even when running a 5k. I shaved a lot of time off my mile and felt great! My energy levels improved dramatically and my coffee consumption more than dropped in half. I slayed my sugar dragon and got rid of so much bloat on my belly. I lost 9 pounds and 8.5 inches, the biggest amount on the upper part of my stomach. I'm hoping to keep up our healthy eating habits as I really don't want to go back to feeling how I was. The biggest take away was how great I felt once I detoxed from all the crap in my body. My energy levels were great, my head felt super clear, and I was motivated to consistently exercise. So there you have my honest take on my experience with Whole 30. I'll try to add before and after pics soon but need to take after pics. 

Lupron Time

It's time to stab myself with some needles. I just can't get too excited about going through the whole IVF process again. It's not really something I look forward to, but hopefully this will all be worth it. 

We had a good weekend. We celebrated our dog's 5th birthday on Friday. 

The yearly tradition of taking her picture in a birthday hat. Isn't she cute?

Since we were so excited to celebrate Togie's birthday we failed to look at our tickets for Aziz Ansari (comedian from the show Parks and Recreation). We bought the tickets over a month ago and W and I both had the 14th stuck in our heads since buying them. We planned to go with a co-worker of mine and her BF. We went out for Thai food beforehand and had a great dinner. We then headed over, paid to park, and were walking towards the building. Just then, we saw a guy on the corner scalping tickets. We said we already had some and he said, "enjoy the game." I whispered to W to check the tickets and that's when we realized the show had been for the previous night. All of the other people were going to a hockey game. That would explain the hockey jerseys and lots of young children. Boo hoo! Giant waste of money. We laughed it off mostly W felt so bad and disappointed about it.

We headed to the mall to see if there were any good movies playing. We went to the arcade since my friend loves it. It's been a long time since I've been to an arcade! It was pretty fun and we were able to pool our tickets and get some crappy little prize.

No good movies were playing so we headed to a wine and dessert place and had some yummy dessert. So much for not eating much in the way of carbs or sugar. Overall, I've been pretty good with eating better. Lunch is the hardest, but I've been using the My Fitness Pal app on my phone to track calories and I've been staying below or at my goal most days. Taking the dogs for a long walk most days definitely helps. I am looking forward to warmer weather so we can go for bike rides. Sorry dogs. 

I went to a bridal shower today. I'm hoping the next shower I attend is my own baby shower.

Freedom Pharmacy (a mail order fertility pharmacy) royally screwed up my order this week. Instead of processing the right amount of Crinone (30), they submitted an order for 84 to my insurance. My insurance promptly denied it all and my bank called me to ask if I had made a purchase for $1150 to said pharmacy. I called them and they cancelled it and said they would credit me back $850. It still hasn't been credited. I don't think I will be using them again in the future. Good thing my bank caught the error. I haven't heard much in the way of an apology from them either for screwing up.

We finally filed our taxes this week (nothing like waiting until the last minute). We are getting back a nice return and should be able to remodel out bathroom without dipping into our savings. I'm looking forward to upgrading from 1970.

Don't you wish your bathroom looked this nice? Gorgeous!

We have been invited to my cousin's wedding in Hawaii in September. I really want to go. If we are saving for more rounds of IVF I don't think we can afford it. We shall see. My uncle might have a timeshare that we can use so I have to email him and see about that one.

I've learned my lesson about fancy painting jobs. We painted stripes on our office/future nursery over a year ago. I loved them so decided we should do a pattern in our bedroom. I looked online and finally found some diamonds I really liked. The process involves using painter's tape and then paining. I decided recently I didn't like the color and that the pattern was annoying. We tried to paint over it recently but we could still see the design through. We spent a large amount of time this weekend using "mud" for drywall and trying to smooth it out and then W spent most of today sanding it. I have 2 colors I like for the bedroom and now can't decide which one to do. What do you think?

Mozart Blue. This was the color I originally wanted to do but now I'm worried it's going to be too dark. We do have a large bedroom though.

OR

Huntington beige. This is a much safer color but I don't want to be boring either. It goes more with the other bedroom colors upstairs.

A week from tomorrow I have my suppression check and hopefully will start stims that day. We shall see. So far we've gotten off pretty cheap this cycle since we have a 900 Gonal-F pen left over from last time. I'm not sure if we will need more since they will have me on a lower dose this time around. I'm not using Menopur this time, but Luveris instead. That was pretty cheap. The Lupron kit was on sale and then Crinone is mostly covered by my insurance. 


If you've made it this far you deserve an award for reading my jabber! Hope everyone else had a nice weekend. Input about paint colors is appreciated!

A New Start

Today is CD 1. I started my BCP's and it's only 3 more weeks of them. I hate this part of the IVF cycle, it's so drawn out and boring. That's why the antagonist protocol was much more appealing, but alas, I will be doing the LONG lupron again. 

Yesterday I started my supplements that I took last cycle. When my first IVF resulted in embryos that were all slow to divide and pretty crappy I did a little research on egg quality. I think it made a difference last time around so I will do it again. I am taking wheatgrass pills (5 in the morning and 5 at night) and royal jelly twice a day. 

I also started eating a paleo diet yesterday. After gorging myself on vacation and gaining weight consistently, I decided it was time to take action. I'm not happy with my weight and my self image is struggling. Failed cycles suck emotionally, but they get me the most when it comes to my self confidence. It's hard to have confidence in your body when it's not working how you want it to. 

The premiss of the paleo diet is pretty easy to grasp. Basically you eat like a caveman/woman. No dairy, wheat, or sugar. Easy to follow? A bit harder. Yesterday wasn't bad but I let myself get too hungry today and was out and about and had a hard time finding something to eat. I have to say I'm missing my carbs. We will see how it all pans out, but I'd love to stick with it for the month of April. I know that PCOS is carb and sugar related, so it would be interesting to see if it helps with that at all. I'm not holding my breath that it will change my PCOS, but I need to get proactive and could stand to lose some weight. It's nice because counting calories always makes me feel hungry. I never feel like I eat enough and it's hard work. This is going to be even harder work most likely. I found a great website which has tons of recipes so that is definitely helping. Lunch is going to be my biggest challenge since I eat while I drive. I think if I plan ahead I should be OK. 

Boo hoo to going back to work tomorrow. I'm not ready and am still in vacation mode. I have a feeling it's going to be a long week. 

Mind and Body

This week has been crazy but great. I have been busy writing reports, attending meetings, and doing therapy with work. In addition, I discovered a great place and realized things about myself personally and started to take control and action. 

On Monday I attended a support group for infertility with W. They mentioned the CNY Healing Arts and Wellness Center which is located next door to the fertility clinic where the support group was. They mentioned fertility yoga, so I decided I would go the following night (Tuesday). After the class I knew I needed to make some changes personally so I could feel good about doing everything in my power for success. 

Well, it was amazing. I can't recommend it highly enough. At first I was a little nervous since I haven't ever actually gone to a yoga class (only done DVD's at home). While it was a little "out there", I loved the instructor and she gave me lots of feedback and made me feel welcome and supported in the class. The class was from 5:50-7:00 and cost $7.00. After the class some of the ladies met for a little support group. That was one of the best experiences I have had so far with my journey through infertility. As much as blogging is a great release and I have "met" some amazing people, talking with people in real-life was just so different. It wasn't led or directed by anyone like the group the previous night, it was just women talking about similar situations and sharing stories and advice. I know I will continue the yoga each week and attend the support group after. The monday night once a month thing, we will see. 

Since I was feeling so great and empowered from the yoga I decided I was going to start acupuncture. I have been in the past for other reasons, but never to this place. It was great. I had been feeling stressed and nervous, but since have been feeling relaxed and in control. I know I will continue through this cycle, just not sure how often since it is expensive. 

This week I have made some realizations about my fate. Just because I pay all the money, do the shots, show up for appointments, and have the procedures does not guarantee success. Physically and mentally I wasn't in a great place recently and this week I have completely turned it around. I started feeling in control of those things I know I can control and have a positive effect over (my mind and body) and have decided to let go and try not to control or understand (too much) the process of IVF.

 I made some dietary changes and have felt great about doing so. I feel positive and much less stressed and am preparing my body the best I can for what it is about to undertake. I hope getting my mind focused in the right direction will help. In effect, I am feeling more positive and optimistic. 

What I do know for certain is that I feel great, I feel in control, and I feel like I am ready emotionally, physically, and mentally to take on IVF in my best possible state. I better be though because we started Lupron tonight! 

Kokopelli and healthy choices

So when I was 20 and in college I decided I wanted to get a tattoo. My family had taken a trip to the southwest the summer before my senior year in college and I loved it. When we were in Moab Utah my Mom purchased a steel Kokopelli wall hanging. I always loved this figure and eventually decided I would get a tattoo of it. I did some research and was a little alarmed to find out exactly the legend of Kokopelli.

Here is what I found when I googled recently (www.indigenouspeople.net/kokopelli):

Known as a fertility god, prankster, healer and story teller, Kokopelli has been a source of wonder throughout the country for centuries. Kokopelli embodies the true American Southwest, and dates back over 3,000 years ago, when the first petroglyphs were carved. Although his true origins are unknown, this traveling, flute-playing Casanova is a sacred figure to many Southwestern Native Americans. Carvings of this hunch-backed flute-playing figure have been found painted and carved into rock walls and boulders throughout the Southwest.

There are many myths of the famous Kokopelli. One of which is that he traveled from village to village bringing the changing of winter to spring; melting the snow and bringing about rain for a successful harvest. It is also said that the hunch on his back depicted the sacks of seeds and songs he carried. Legend also has it that the flute playing also symbolized the transition of winter to spring. Kokopelli’s flute is said to be heard in the spring’s breeze, while bringing warmth. It is also said that he was the source of human conception. Legend has it, everyone in the village would sing and dance throughout the night when they heard Kokopelli play his flute. The next morning, every maiden in the village would be with child.
Whatever the true meaning of Kokopelli is, he has been a source of music making and dancing, and spreading joy to those around him. Even today, Kokopelli, with his hunchback and flute, is always welcome in our homes.

The legend of Kokopelli (pronounced "Coke-a-pellie") is well-preserved in ancient rock carvings and paintings dating back as far as 3,000 years. His legend however, is no less popular today - having survived more than one hundred generations. Below, is a compilation of stories collected through many hours of research. Certainly, you can find more stories (and images in Art) on the World wide web.

I knew Kokopelli was a fertility symbol, but at the time I stuck more with the changing seasons theme. I live in Upstate NY and am always so glad when winter's wrath gives way to the new life of spring. Nowadays I think more about this symbol I chose to tattoo on my body. My Mom eventually gave me the wall hanging and I had up on various walls  in my various bedrooms all through college. My husband and I ended up living out West for about 2 years (In Wyoming) but we took a trip to Moab. We went to the same gallery where the artwork was purchased and looked at Kokopelli. He gave me some crazy looks when I told him what it symbolized. I said, I know it's a fertility symbol, but I really like it (and I guess I secretly hoped it will came in handy some day). Well, reading today that Kokopelli was known as a "prankster" makes me intrigued. When we moved into our new house in October and with life's current journey I put him back up on my wall. He now hangs to one side of our bed in our bedroom. 

It is amazing how all-consuming infertility can be. I took this Monday and Tuesday off from work (the perks on making your own schedule) but have found myself reading endless blogs and forums about IVF and infertility. I feel like my husband wants me to stop talking about it so much, but I can't help it. The bad part about my job and making my own schedule is that I don't have the social perks of an office. I work as a traveling speech therapist with young children and only come in contact with their families. This leaves a lot of time to myself while driving from house to house. I recently have been listening to a book on CD, but it is hard to keep my mind away from infertility. I have one family I work with who knows the journey we are currently going though and it is only because she has been there herself. When her FOUR boys under 7 are all competing for her attention, she looks at me and says "Be careful what you wish for."She conceived her first 3 boys through IVF and two pregnancies (first one was a singleton second time twins) but it took a few tries before it was successful. Her fourth boy was conceived naturally and she still doesn't know how. They never knew her reason for infertility, but obviously she was able to get pregnant naturally. Apart from her, I don't have anyone else to talk about it all with except my hubby. I feel like I can't go even a day without bringing up something about it to him. I feel like he is sick of hearing it all, but I can't help it. In my mind, I don't go a few hours without thinking about it. 

Yesterday we went cross country skiing in a forrest nearby. It was incredibly peaceful and we just trudged along with our thoughts to ourselves. The dogs had a fantastic time and were running back and forth, covered in snow. We are hoping to go again today since he will be home early from work. For some time I didn't think about infertility and the journey we have been on, but undoubtably my thoughts returned there. I told my hubby last night that maybe as a New year's resolution I will stop looking up so much stuff on the internet. I have to say though it is nice to find others are in a similar position. I have found a forum where I am able to connect with other women going through or starting the IVF process. I see so much optimism there and am able to stay hopeful for our odds. 

We watched an interesting documentary last night on Netflix entitled Food Matters.

 It was all about eating healthy and adding supplements to our diets rather than treating with medicine. I think this backs my feelings initially about Metformin. I was glad when my RE didn't want to put me on it because I know it is basically a "lifetime" drug. I know I have PCOS for a reason other than the fact that my father is diabetic and insulin resistance runs in the family. It must be related to my diet and maybe even a deficiency I have. They touched on the fact that about 50% of our meals should be raw food because when he cook our food the nutrients are lost. I think we will be eating more salads and raw foods. I would love to get to the root of my PCOS problem, but aren't sure exactly how to go about this. My hubby was also intrigued and agreed that the food we put into our bodies is the most important (over nice clothes, vacations, updates to the house) so this is what we will focus our money and energy on.

Over time we have switched to only whole grains and have basically cut sugar out of our diets. The holidays are difficult, especially with all the candy and cookies I received as gifts. In addition, we use only natural cleaning products, soaps, shampoos and conditioners. When we buys meat and dairy we buy organic. We try with our produce, but that tends to be more difficult. Today I went out and bought some Green Tea with Echinacea in hopes it will help my cough to feel better. In addition, I bought some Odwalla Superfood bars. I used to drink this smoothie and plan to replace the bar with my morning whey protein smoothie. I plan to do more research and hope this can distract me some from getting pregnant/IVF. Not only is a distraction, but it may also help my body be in the best shape possible for the treatments.

See, I actually was able to think about my diet and lifestyle for a few minutes without talking about infertility. But like always, I am back on that thought!