Harder Than I Thought

I'm terrified. Pregnancy after miscarriage has not been easy thus far for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'm having a really hard time doing that. I think if my initial beta numbers had been better, I would be able to relax more. Or maybe I'm just a worrier when it comes to certain things. Things that are completely out of my control, those kinds of things. 

On Wednesday evening I woke up from a nap to find brown spotting on my panty liner. I spoke to the nurses the following day and they said it was nothing to worry about since it was brown and likely just old blood. I can't help but feel like any blood is bad. On Thursday night when I took out my Crinone applicator it had fresh blood on it. It lasted only about 5 more minutes of really light pink, but it was enough to ruin my night. I'm pretty sure I may have just nicked myself trying to remove old Crinone prior to putting in the new one though. That night when I put in my estrogen it felt like one little spot was a bit sensitive. I also have nails at this point, so I'm hoping that's what happened. The brown spotting has mostly gone away, but the bits of Crinone that come out continue to be brown. I'm trying not to "clean house" as often to avoid what happened the other night. 

I wish I could be more positive and relaxed about things, but I repeat several times a day the phrase "this is terrifying" to my husband. Poor guy. 

I think the missed miscarriage is what gets to me. I was going along thinking everything was fine, and then I got blindsided that my baby had died 2 weeks prior. Oh yeah, and yesterday was exactly 1 year from the horrible day that I got that news. 

I still certainly feel pregnant, but I try not to read too much into it. It seems like whenever W and I talk about the future I get a good scare. I guess it's a sign I need to stay in the present and not plan too much ahead. That's the only way I can imagine really enjoying being pregnant though. Planning all of the great things that it could mean. 

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday at 9:00. I'm hoping I can make it until then and keep my sanity. I'm hoping we get great news. I also have a blood draw for which I'm scared of. Ugghh, I thought I was going to be able to enjoy this a lot more. Hopefully I will get to that point, I'm just not there yet. 

Thanksgiving success

Our first time hosting Thanksgiving was a complete success. We had my sister, her husband, my mother, my step-father, my little brother, my mom's friend, and my Dad, so 9 people total. This was the first time my parents celebrated Thanksgiving together in 20 years. The turkey came out amazing and wasn't dry at all. All of the food was delicious and I got my appetite back just in time. We did end up forgetting the stuffing on the table, but nobody missed it. Next time we will consult our menu when we put the dishes out on the table. The table looked great, and I got some fun ideas from Pinterest.

I also made a pie. Can you tell what the design is without me telling you?

My sister, her husband and I went black Friday shopping late Thursday night. We went to Wal-Mart (not my favorite place, but my sister's favorite place) and it really wasn't as crazy as I expected. Most people were there to get TV's and I managed to get a good deal on a digital camera for my dad. I also got some DVD's for myself (4/5 seasons of Six Feet Under) cheap. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my sister but not have to be at her house. She and her husband both smoke cigarettes and he loves the T.V to be loud. He also doesn't like bright lights so we often sit in the glow of the T.V. Being at their house means sitting in a smoky, dark and loud environment. It was nice to be able to control things but also spend time with K. 

K and her hubby have been TTC since their wedding in July. When we were in Wal-Mart K had to go to the bathroom. When she came back she said, "I am thankful for my period on Thanksgiving" and I could tell she was super bummed. Although she hasn't been trying for long, I can still feel her disappointment about getting her period instead of a positive pregnancy test. I am feeling better about her trying and the possibility of her getting pregnant first. I think because it didn't happen her first month of trying, I will be OK with it. I really hope we both get pregnant soon so that our babies can have cousins close in age. 

When K came she brought a flash drive with her wedding photos on it. I was able to look through her pictures and am amazed by how ballooned I look from the IVF. Her wedding was July 21 and I had my retrieval the 12th. I look so puffy in all of the photos, and I'm so glad we captured those moments in my life forever. Oh well, no one else knew and no one asked me if I was pregnant at the wedding, so maybe I just see it because I know. 

In other news the bleeding has stopped. I now know it isn't my period, it just isn't the same. I was bleeding heavy on Tuesday and Wednesday and by Thursday it had slowed considerably. Friday and Saturday I had the tiniest bit of spotting and it was brown rather than red or pink like previously. Nothing so far today. W and I have talked a lot about what we want to do and it is difficult. I think the spotting and bleeding will be gone by Monday, but I worry what this has done to my lining. The hardest part it is seems nothing is ever ideal. This month the issue is spotting and bleeding, but next month who knows what it will be. Obviously we want the most ideal situation possible, but I don't think it's ever going to be ideal. We will see what Dr. S's opinion is.

My anxiety has declined tremendously and my nausea is much better. I have an appetite again and know I need to get back to the gym. I'm sad its Sunday, but looking forward to my appointments tomorrow. Hope everyone is relaxing and having a great weekend. 

Pre-Op Appointments and Life

I thought yesterday was going to be a nice break from the working norm. I had two separate pre-op appointments and they were scheduled at a range of times. The first one was with my RE at 11 and the other was with the hospital (nursing, anesthesia, phlebotomist) at 1:30.  It seemed to take my RE forever to fill out the paperwork and I felt like I was just sitting there watching him. 

Observations I made while sitting there: 

1. Dr. S has the craziest glasses. The things that keep them on his nose are always going in every direction. It doesn't look comfortable. At one point he got new ones and they looked normal, but now they are all wonky. 

2. There were little flies in the plant on his desk. They looked like fruit flies or something. 

3. Dr. S likes to write post-its about random unrelated things. I wonder what happens to them all.

4.  The chairs are really uncomfortable.

 Oh, I forgot about the bleeding/spotting. The bleeding did stop after the weekend and has since been minor spotting. Hello my panty liners friends, I've missed you. 

I arrived on time to my 1:30 appointment and didn't even get called back until 2:05. In the meantime, there was some decent people-watching in the waiting room. This woman was sitting there filling out paperwork so obviously getting surgery soon. She was VERY overweight and I just figured maybe gastric bypass...?? Well, then her husband shows up with a frozen coffee beverage complete with whipped cream and she starts chatting with the secretary. She mentions a baby who only lived 25 minutes. The woman then goes on to say it took her 8 years to get pregnant with her first and 10 years with "this one". Only then do I notice she's rubbing her belly. When she got called in and I saw her I still wasn't convinced she was pregnant. I guess that will teach me to make assumptions. Yeah, probably not.

Really?

Nothing else unidentifiable has appeared, so that is good.

I went to my GYN for my annual this week. When she asked if anything had changed, I gave her the full run-down. I barely made it through without starting to cry. This makes me wonder whether I've reached a point where I really should see a counselor. She was very nice and everything was super quick. I mentioned the tissue thing to her and she didn't seem to think anything of it. I was still spotting at that time.

On Friday I started bleeding, like a period. I'm still on birth control pills and haven't missed any. That afternoon I called my RE's office and left a message for him to call me back.

When he called, another 45 minute conversation ensued. He offered me another sonohysterogram prior to the hysteroscopy but I said no. He said it was possible that I passed the polyps, but it was certainly unusual and without a tissue specimen it was impossible to tell. He left it as he planned to keep me on BCP's but to call Monday afternoon to let him know if the bleeding had stopped. 

I was bleeding all weekend, so no, it didn't stop. I will call this afternoon and see what he has to say. It's not quite as heavy as a period, but definitely not just spotting. 

He also said that we won't be able to do the FET until I have a cycle after the polypectomy. This means at least 6 weeks until CD 1 for FET.

We rejoined the Y this week so I am hoping to do some running/jogging more consistently. Wish me luck!

Conversation with RE this afternoon and pre-op appointment on Wednesday.