Microblog Mondays: My Wedding Ring

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

When W and I talked about getting engaged, he mentioned his grandmother had something for him to use. He didn't really specify, but just let my mind wander. I noticed she wore a ring that was pretty amazing. When I asked about it I found out it wasn't her wedding ring. It also wasn't what she had for W. She had a brooch from her grandmother with a bunch of stones. He would be able to pick one of those stones to use for a ring. 

When we visited her in NJ on one trip he asked he about it and she said he needed a "yes"before she would give him a stone. Something like six months later he proposed and I, of course, said yes. We took another trip and he picked the biggest of the stones since he was the first grandson to get engaged. The stone was a .94 carat cushion cut mined diamond. We took it to a few jewelry stores and I found a setting I loved the stone in. At the same time, we also bought the wedding band as it was a set. 

I loved my ring. At one point the center stone fell out but I found it and had it reset. It wasn't ideal to have a cushion cut on a four prong setting, but I just loved the way it looked together so much. For our five year wedding anniversary W got me another band to match our wedding band, but with diamonds and sapphires alternating. Sapphires are Lucy and Clara's birthstones. Around Christmastime I had the rings all soldered together in an effort to get them to stay together and look nicer. I wasn't thrilled with the way the sapphire band lined up and I took it to the jewelry store to talk to them. They didn't have any great suggestions, but I knew I didn't want to separate the rings again. 

Sharing my rings with W's grandma Wink on our wedding day

Between the months of February to August I lost quite a bit of weight and the ring became big on my finger. I could shake my hand and it would come off. Even though I said I was going to lose it a few times, I never took it to be sized. 

The three bands together. I think this is the only photo I have of all three. The sapphire band was the five year anniversary band with sapphires for Lucy and Clara. 

The second week of August we went on vacation to the outer banks, North Carolina. On the Tuesday of our week-long trip I was rinsing off in the ocean with my friend Krista when I felt my ring slip off of my finger. I was in waist-high water and the waves were big. I just knew there was no finding it. 

When I felt it slide off and realized what happened, my heart sank and I thought to myself, that's the worst thing that could ever happen. Then I looked up and saw my three girls and husband, all safe and happy on the beach, oblivious to what had happened. I knew then it was just stuff and I had the most important things, still safe and fine. 

My friend ran and told W what happened so he ran down to me in the water. Mostly in vain, he attempted to look with me for it. Some other people on the beach came by and also helped for a bit, but I knew it was gone. I told the girls what had happened so they weren't confused or upset by the way we were all acting. I mostly held it together even though I was super sad and disappointed. 

That evening I went back at low tide to look for my ring, but didn't see any sign of it. I called that afternoon and found out we did have insurance coverage under our homeowners policy.

I know it's just "stuff", but I'm still really sad about losing my rings. Since they were all soldered together, I unfortunately lost them all. I'm also sad I lost W's family stone and that it can't be replaced. 

The insurance ended up covering the full cost of the rings minus a $1000 deductible. My initial thought was I would just get the same ring, but then I realized it would never be the same. The reason I loved and picked that ring was because of the stone we had. Without that stone it just wouldn't be the same. 

Once I decided I wouldn't get the same thing I felt overwhelmed by the choices. I found a few things I liked, but nothing I loved. Well, last week I finally found something I loved. I ordered it and am waiting for it to come it. I once again ordered a matching band and hope I love it as much as I loved my old one. 

I didn't try to replace all three rings and told W he should start saving for a ten year band ;)

The thing I love about my new ring is it reminds me of that ring that W's grandmother wore and I always admired. The ring that for a short moment I fantasized was going to be the ring W would propose to me with. 

I haven't seen that actual ring in years and heard it was taken apart after she passed away, but I'm glad a part of her will still live on in my ring since she's the one who gave us the center stone and bulk of the cost of the initial set. 

The new ring I picked. 

The new ring. Not my size so not centered. I picked the top band to go with it. 

There have been so many emotions with this experience. Extreme sadness and disappointment I lost my rings. Blaming myself for not getting them sized when I knew they were too big. Excitement at the thought of picking a new one. Overwhelmed by all of the choices.

 I'm still feeling conflicted because while I found something I love it doesn't symbolize the same things. I feel slightly better that he didn't propose with the engagement ring so there's that. But, the wedding band is what we said our vows with. It symbolized a lot and I don't feel like just buying a new one does it.

Putting the ring on my finger and saying his vows

After our vows the priest wrapped our hands and said a prayer and blessed our marriage. 

 Anyone have any good suggestions to make it as meaningful??

Updates

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Due to having shared my blog with friends and family, I've been hesitant to share what's been going on. But, I've decided I need to get this off my chest. 

I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on January 7th. They did an ultrasound and there was a large cyst on my left ovary (the ovary without a tube). Having had a positive ovulation test the week prior I assumed it was a corpus luteum cyst from ovulation. The ultrasound technician said it was hard to tell what kind of cyst she was looking at, but if I thought I had ovulated it was possible it was a corpus luteum cyst. I talked with my dr after the ultrasound. I was meeting with him because my cycle the prior month had been 62 days and I felt like a hormonal nightmare. He said he didn't feel like I needed to do anything specific, but he was happy to offer progesterone to help regulate my cycles. I told him that I had started taking Pregnitude (a myo-inositol and folic acid supplement) I had leftover from my IVF cycle with Lucy and Clara and felt like it was really helping with my moods and to shorten my cycles. 

I left the appointment feeling positive. I was feeling like my moods were better, my cycles were shortening, and I was tuned in enough to my body to have an idea of what was going on. Based on my ovulation test and ultrasound it seemed I ovulated the week prior on CD 16. That was way better than the prior month. Maybe the myo-inositol was helping. 

The next day I started to feel like taking another ovulation test was worth taking. Having been clued into my body and how I was feeling, I thought I was showing signs of ovulation. Within a minute of taking the test I had a super dark and obvious positive test. Compared to the week prior, it was a much more convincingly positive test. At one point I debated calling my drs office to find out the size of the cyst on the ultrasound. It made me wonder whether it was actually a follicle rather than a post ovulatory cyst. I never did call. 

At that point I started to feel frustrated and like I had no idea what was going on. Just the day before I had my appointment and left feeling so positive. I was frustrated my cycle was going to be longer, and who knew how many times I'd get positive ovulation tests that month. I had read that using ovulation tests with PCOS can yield inaccurate results. Was this going to happen every week? Were my cycles going to continue to be 50-60 days?

11 days later after my second round of positive ovulation tests (on January 20th) I wrote this post: 

Yesterday morning after putting the girls down I started to get myself ready since we had a play date scheduled with some friends. On a whim I took a cheapy pregnancy test. Prior to hopping in the shower I peeked at it and swore I saw a shadow of a second line.

While in the shower I talked myself down. There was no way. I knew I ovulated from the ovary without a tube. 

When I got out I took another look. There was definitely a shadow of a second line. So, like any sane person would do, I used two more tests. Both also showed a super faint second line. It was at that point that I started shaking and didn't stop for at least an hour. 

The first thing I did was to email Dr. Braverman. He said to get an HCG test done ASAP so I called my ob. They were happy to call a script in to my local hospital. 

The girls woke up and we went to our play date. It was nice to have a bit of a distraction from my racing mind. From her house I dropped the girls at home with my mom and went to the dentist. Luckily the dentist didn't take long and I was able to head over for blood work after without having to tell my mom. 

On the way home I stopped at he pharmacy to pick up my metformin and purchased some FRER pregnancy tests. I came home and took one only to see 2 lines again. 

I didn't want to tell W over the phone or text so I waited until he got home. As he was feeding the girls their afternoon snack I set up my camera and took a video while I handed him the tests. His face was absolute shock and confusion at first that quickly turned into happiness and excitement. 

I had to laugh that these were the shirts I picked out for Clara and Lucy that morning. 

Two days later I wrote this:

As I said, the first person I contacted when I discovered on Monday I was pregnant was Dr. B. He advised me to get a beta ASAP and I did that afternoon.

I called my ob's office to get the results on Tuesday. My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 14. I had taken another FRER test that morning and the line was darker than the previous afternoon. With the positive result, my ob's office wanted me to repeat the test on Wednesday. 

I emailed Dr. B Tuesday afternoon with the results and he advised I call the office and register with their pregnancy management. I called that afternoon and talked with the receptionist. Despite telling me she'd email me the packet of info, she didn't that afternoon.

I didn't sleep well all night and finally emailed Dr. B early Wednesday morning saying I'd called but hadn't gotten the information. He replied quickly and I heard from the office shortly after. They sent me the packet of info I needed to fill out and fax or email back ASAP. 

After our Music Together class this morning (Wednesday) I headed for another blood test. From there I went somewhere to fax the paperwork. 

I got my protocol Wednesday afternoon and medications are being ordered. I will be on Lovenox, baby aspirin, neupogen, metformin, and calcium. 

I'm feeling so anxious and scared. I said it's impossible to embrace this pregnancy without getting excited and I'm too scared something will go wrong to get excited. 

Things moved quickly to get medications ordered. My second beta was 73. This was a doubling time of 25 hours. I found out my insurance needed to pre-approve the neupogen so we paid for the first vial OOP at $360 so I could get started ASAP.

A few days later I called the insurance company to find out an update on the medication. I was told it was denied because I didn't have any of the specified conditions listed for the medication. They told me I could appeal if I wanted. 

We've been forced to pay for this medication OOP. One vial lasts about three and a half days. To say I'm stressed about the price is an understatement. I'm not sure whether it's worth it to appeal to the insurance company as I've been through the process before without success. This expense is really unexpected for us.  

Things have been stressful. I've been so scared and anxious. I've had three early miscarriages. I need certain medications to sustain a pregnancy and I wasn't on them initially. We want to get excited about this amazing news, but we still are having a hard time. 

Starting the neupogen meant stopping breastfeeding. I wasn't planning to stop as suddenly, but was in the process of gradually weaning the girls. I wanted it to be more on their terms, but I stopped because it wasn't safe to continue. That's been another tough thing I've been dealing with emotionally. 

We've also found out that two sets of good friends will be moving in the next few months. 

I guess you could say we were trying to get pregnant... sort of.  We really didn't think it would happen, but said we'd be thrilled if it did. I knew my cycles were long and things weren't looking too good for it happening without assistance. We had talked about going back to Dr. B in the fall around the time the girls turned two.  

I finally scheduled an ultrasound with Dr. B for next Monday, February 9th. Based on my timing, I will be 6w3d. I was so scared to schedule anything. I'm still terrified to go all that way and receive anything but positive news. 

I've been in the early stages of pregnancy unsuccessfully more times than successfully. Twice I felt so positive and optimistic between my positive betas and ultrasounds only to get devastating news at an ultrasound appointment. I can't let myself feel that disappointment again. 

That's the hard part about all of this. I so badly wanted to be able to experience pregnancy like a normal fertile person. I'm quickly realizing that will never be the case. Someone who hasn't experienced loss can't understand the fear of it happening again. Immediately I also had to start injecting myself with medications three times a day. 

So, if you know me IRL and I haven't shared this news with you it's likely because I'm just not ready. It's nothing personal, it's just something I'm not really sharing with many people at this time. I'm hoping things will continue to progress, but I'm glad to have written it all down. I'm feeling ready to reclaim my blog as my space to voice it all. 

    

Relying on Vitamin C and Neupogen

All week I've been getting headaches from the Lupron. This morning I woke up with a stuffed up nose and sore throat. I thought getting through a work day with a headache was rough. Today I realized it's much better than trying to work with a headache and sore throat. 

I started Neupogen today which helps boost white blood cells. I'm hoping those white blood cells can kick this cold's ass. Come on Neupogen!

I also started Lovenox and baby aspirin this morning. I've been bruising really bad on my right side so might have to just stick to the left side of my stomach. I also start Delestrogen tonight. 

Unfortunately, my insurance didn't cover the Delestrogen. When I called the insurance to find out why they cover Estradiol but not Delestrogen they gave me a very strange reply. They told me it's something that is typically administered by the doctor in their office and then the doctor bills the insurance. It's not something that is covered if just dispensed. I don't get it. On the plus side, my insurance covered the Neupogen and I only paid 50 bucks. You win some you lose some. 

I just hope I can start feeling better soon. I don't plan to do much this weekend except lay low and try to feel better. We are having dinner at my in-law's tomorrow and hopefully will go to yoga on Sunday. 

The side effects have been rough this time around. It's so strange how each cycle the meds affect me differently. I've taken Lupron and had no issues and taken it other cycles and gotten daily headaches. 

Happy Friday!! I hope everyone has a good weekend. 

Denied

I had submitted a pre-authorization form to my insurance company last week to see if I could get the out of network blood work covered. It was a pain to do and required a lot of calling around since the insurance company wanted all of my previous medical records.

Well, I heard from them yesterday that they denied it. The reason was because it was for IVF. The thing that pisses me off about that is that it isn't for IVF. Yeah, that's my plan, but I'm not doing this testing in order to do an IVF cycle. Recurrent pregnancy loss testing and IVF aren't mutually exclusive.

Oh well, it's just money, right? That's what's we're trying to tell ourselves.

So I have to get that blood work done again and soon since we are leaving for vacation on Friday. We are spending a little over a week in Maine and I am super excited . It's going to be so nice to have a break from work and to be able to spend time together.

The plan is to not think or worry about any of this infertility crap while we are away. I'm feeling a little stressed now because we don't exactly have a plan. Well, I guess the plan is to get the blood work results and then figure out what to do from there. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

I have two more weeks in this pack of birth control pills so I'm hoping it will all come together in the next few weeks.