Gratitude

Because of the way that I've been feeling lately, I thought it would good for me try to change my focus and mindset. I know a lot of my outlook depends my attitude, so I'm trying to shift that. 

I got together with a few of my fertility buddies this past weekend. One of them had the same dr for her son as I did for the delivery of L & C. She said she recently saw this dr for an annual visit and she mentioned something about my friend being one of her favorite patients. My friend then said it was because she wrote her an amazing thank you letter and sent her flowers after the birth of her son. 

This really got me thinking. To be honest, I never really thought about writing a thank you letter to my ob/gyn after either birth. I've thought about it for Dr. Braverman, but haven't ever actually done it. 

I've decided I'm going to write Dr. L a thank you note. I think doing this will be a good exercise for me in gratitude and gratefulness. It will help shift my focus to the positive surrounding Stella's birth. 

Definition of gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I've also started to try to focus on the things I can be grateful for every day. Yesterday as I sat inside and watched W playing outside with the girls in the snow (!!), I thought about how grateful I was for our warm home and a wonderful husband who is such an involved and amazing father. I appreciated that he gets three weeks off from work to help our family acclimate and assemble as a new unit of five. When one looks around and focuses on life in a positive way, they find there's so much to be grateful for. 

Feeling Bummed Out

Feel free to skip this post if you don't want to hear me complain. 

Yesterday I woke up with stretch marks on my belly. They weren't there when I went to bed, but were definitely there when I woke up. I guess I should have figured they were inevitable, but I was just so proud and happy to have my big belly without them. I've been using a belly balm and thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones. I may be delusional to think I'd make it through a twin pregnancy without them, but I'm just disappointed. They aren't huge and dark red, but they are there. I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. It's so unfair that men's bodies don't change at all with pregnancy.

 I took my 1 hour glucose test today. 

Don't I look thrilled? Maybe that's because I was only one sip in. 

The first sip wasn't too bad, but it was pretty disgusting by the end. When it hit my stomach I felt horrible. Mama Dukes came with me to keep me company, but it was still pretty boring. I failed. The worse part is I only failed by 5 points. They told me the cutoff was 140 and mine was 145. The nurse at my ob's office who gave me the results said I would pass the 3 hour. I don't understand why I have to take it if I'm most likely going to pass. I really felt pretty awful after and I know it will only be worse with the 3 hour. I'm super bummed. I don't know whether to just suck it up and take the next one or wait to talk with my ob next Wednesday. I'm probably once again being delusional in thinking I can talk him out of making me take the 3 hour.

When I got out of the shower this afternoon I broke the chain on my necklace. It's a necklace W got me for Christmas and its a little pea pod. Inside there are 3 little peas made of pearls to represent the 3 little ones we lost. I put the necklace on the day of our transfer and have only removed it shortly for my chiropractor appointments. I was too superstitious and terrified to take it off before 24 weeks. I'm so sad it broke. 

The necklace is one of these on a chain

With T having her baby early last night I started to get nervous again about preterm labor and birth. I had been feeling really positive and optimistic about things until last night when I was lying in bed. Once again the fear crept in.

All in all, I'm just bumming out today. Things are bound to be better tomorrow. Thanks for listening. 

Glad It's Over (Christmas 2012)

Our tree sits proudly, taking up a quarter of our living room. Our lights outside are well hung and look awesome. The cookies were baked, frosted, and quickly eaten. The presents have all been opened and we are back home together. 

Christmas is over and I can't lie, I'm pretty glad it is. We made the best of what we could this year, but it was especially tough. 

Pepper Claus

Can you find the kitty in the tree? His new favorite skill

The front of our house

Our tree in the living room

The garage

I don't have the fondest childhood memories from Christmas. My parents got divorced when I was seven so I don't have any Christmas memories with my Dad at home. From as early as I can remember, I dealt with my sister unintentionally trying to ruin Christmas for us. She hated surprises (and honestly still does) so she made it her life's work each December to find our presents and show them to me. 

One year my mom hid them in the trunk of her car. When my mom went running my sister brought me outside and we played with our toys in the driveway. She got a Game Boy that year that got lots of use before Christmas. I remember I got a stroller for my dolls. 

Another year she showed me how to unwrap the presents from the corners to peek and see what was inside. 

Then there was the year that I had heard rumors that there wasn't a Santa (probably from my sis) so I wrote him a note and asked him to sign on the line if he was real. In my excitement I brought it to my sister to show her and she prompted replied with, "That's moms handwriting." 

As we got older my mom gave us money a few weeks before Christmas and took us shopping. We were able to pick out what we wanted and then she wrapped them for us for Christmas. 

I know it's not my sister or mom's fault that I don't love Christmas. It always just felt like such a let down. 

For Christmas Eve this year we went to my in-law's house. This was the first year my mom and step dad were in town for Christmas in about ten years so they were there as well with my brother. In addition, our friends C, J, and their little girl E came over. It was nice to spend time with everyone. The tough part came when I overheard W's aunt talking about how she was going to be a grandmother again. Her son and his wife are pregnant and due in May. 

Yeah, that wedding we attended in June? They're pregnant already. Not to mention the fact that she left him for about a month within a few weeks of them getting married. Yeah, they're pregnant. 

From the point that I heard that news on I struggled. I knew we would be seeing W's cousin and pregnant wife for Christmas dinner and I started to dread it. We managed to arrive as late as possible, both tearing up a bit on the ride over.  I didn't converse with her at all tonight. I didn't tell either of them congratulations. I was a jerk and I don't care. I'm not handling pregnancy announcements particularly well these days. 

I just don't get how it's possible that she is in her upper 30's and got pregnant within a few short months of them getting married. It's really starting to hit us hard that for every wedding we attended since our own, the couples are either pregnant or already have already had a baby. Couples that are way older than us. One of my co-workers who was expecting at the same time as we were supposed to be the first time told me recently that they are expecting their second child this spring. They started trying late this summer. 

To be completely honest, I just don't get it. I don't understand why I'm still in my 20's (for eight more months) and unable to get pregnant. Unable despite trying everything we can. Unable despite all of the money we have thrown at the situation. 

 I'm okay with babies, but pregnancy is really starting to rub me the wrong way. It's probably because I'm coming to terms with the fact that it may never be me. 

Things have been ok lately. Last week brought some serious work drama that had me crying in bed at midnight that night. It's hard to feel the stress of infertility and then pair it with work stress. It just feels like too much sometimes. Everything is fine now, but it didn't feel that way for a bit. 

On Thursday we meet with Dr. Br.averman again. I'm not sure how I feel about things. Going through another IVF cycle does not sound like fun. I'm curious to see what he has to say and to see whether he can re-inflate our hope balloon. 

Then next Thursday we have an appointment with an adoption attorney to talk. I'm not sure what our plans are exactly with that, but it will be nice to talk to someone about things. 

Christmas wasn't easy this year. We both struggled to put on a happy face and to focus on the positives We have so many things to be happy and grateful for but it's hard not to feel like something's missing. 

Moving Forward

Estsy: MeganMatsuoka

Maybe it's because we invested so much more into this cycle, but this negative has been one of the hardest hits in a long time. W and I are definitely still really sad about it. There are times each day where I find my eyes welling up with tears thinking about it. We're taking care of ourselves and allowing ourselves to be sad. 

I have exchanged a bunch of emails with Dr. Br.averman since Friday. He generally responds quickly, but I can tell isn't comfortable answering all of my questions. I understand that. I really should sit down with him and pay him for his time. I just needed some immediate answers to feel better. 

When I asked what the biggest factors are in determining FET success he said, "I looked over your records. I think your treatment for the HLA issues is complete. We need to look at both embryo quality and other issues such as your uterine lining at the time of the transfer." When I explained to him that my lining was almost 9 mm a week before the transfer and that I've done both a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy recently, all signs pointed to our embryos.

His words: "I agree, most likely a quality issue." I don't find that hard to believe since we have transferred a lot of embryos without success. What frustrates me the most is that we don't have an answer to why our embryos aren't great quality. The last time I met with my local RE he told me my eggs look fine and the sperm is great. The first clinic we went to for only one IVF cycle told me the outer shell of my embryos was hard to penetrate. When we did ICSI on half and allowed the other half to fertilize naturally, only one fertilized naturally. They also triggered me too soon so I'm not sure if my eggs were immature and that was part of it. The clinic I currently go to where we have done three cycles is the one that told me my eggs look fine.

 Our embyros also get decent grades each time and we always have some left to freeze. They make it to day five and we've gotten really high graded embryos in the past. Those were the ones that resulted in chemical pregnancies. 

We've only ever had success with fresh transfers. I'm not sure if it's the lab, vitrification process, or our embyros that result in no implantation with frozen cycles. 

I know this is a bit of a moot point, but my HCG came back at 0.8. In the past with each negative HCG it measured <0.5. I've gotten that result at least five times between baseline appointments and negative cycles. I'm wondering if this slight elevation means a little something did happen. I wish I had tested earlier. Not that it matters though. When I test before the beta I wish I hadn't. When I don't test I wish I did. The grass is always greener. 

The morning after our negative result W hugged me as I cried and said I didn't think it would ever work for us. I thought it was time to move forward with adoption. We talked about how we knew we could love any baby but how it's hard to mourn the loss of our own. I wasn't sure how much more heartbreak I could take. We've talked about adoption a lot in the past. Originally we had talked about having two children and then adopting one. My mom, dad, brother, brother in law, and two of my cousins are all adopted. It's something we're totally comfortable with. 

I looked online and called around a bit on Friday and found a local-ish agency that happens to have an orientation this coming Tuesday night. W and I are planning to attend despite the drive. I've also signed up to receive registration packets from a few other agencies. It's incredibly overwhelming knowing which agency to pick so that's why I've requested information from a few. I think we will start moving forward with adoption. I'm looking forward to learning more on Tuesday night. For those who have adopted, how did you choose an agency?

When I first emailed Dr. B and discussed my frustration with the process he said, "You certainly have to try one more time with treatment to be sure that this won't work." Enter doubt. When we talked about it we realized we didn't give Dr. B a full chance. We used our own clinic and had him make the decisions. When we first met with him he told us that he can't control the lab or speak for the lab at our particular clinic. That may be part of the equation. I'm not putting everything on that but it's certainly something to think about. We went through the process of getting all of the blood work done with him and we found out some new information. From there, we've haven't given it much of a shot. It's just so hard to continue doing treatments with the stress of the costs and emotional tolls it all takes. I know we don't have to do another cycle just because Dr. B recommends it but I never want to look back and feel like we should have tried harder. 

When I called Dr. B's office last week to try to book a follow-up/WTF appointment I was told there's nothing available until the second week in January. I emailed him and told him this and he said he'll get me an appointment sooner. 

So, I'll wait to hear when I can follow-up with Dr. B. I have a list of questions started and we'll determine then whether we are going to do another cycle. There is no huge rush to use our frozen embryos, they're not going anywhere. We will attend the orientation on Tuesday and find out more about adoption. I may call and talk with the embryologist at our local clinic and try to find out more information regarding our embryos, my eggs, and W's swimmers. It will help to be armed with that information going into the appointment with Dr. B.  

We're still picking up the pieces and feeling really sad about this most recent cycle. We are taking time to mourn this loss and trying to determine whether we want to continue with treatments or not. Either way, I know we are going to be parents, and awesome parents at that. Our child (wherever he or she is) is so wanted.

Deflated

I knew the phone call would come eventually. It didn't make it hurt any less. 

Tonight my sister called me and announced she is pregnant. My heart sank immediately as I struggled to say congratulations. I sat on the phone in shock and listened to how she's known for a week. How she hasn't called the doctor yet and how she hasn't smoked a cigarette in a week. She talked about the baby and how I was going to be an aunt.

I finally managed to get off the phone without being too abrupt and W and I cried on the couch. He had been working on dinner and my appetite was immediately gone. 

It's so fucked up that I have to feel every emotion associated with a pregnancy announcement, but then also guilty that I can't be happy for her. 

She isn't healthy. She eats fast food constantly, smokes cigarettes and pot, and she and her husband don't have much money. I guess none of that shit matters and that if it's meant to be it will. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us. 

It's amazing how many feelings go along with this journey. Jealousy, guilt, anger, depression, grief, etc. I want to be happy and know I will come around to that feeling, but for tonight I am gutted and deflated. 

Maybe it would be better if we were doing a cycle. Right now a pregnancy feels like an eternity away for us, maybe even impossible. I still haven't even gotten my period and it's CD 35. It is nowhere to be seen. 

It hurts the worst to see my husband cry. I just want to crawl in bed and disappear.  

Feeling Craptastic

This week has not been a fun one. I don't remember my last chemical being this bad. The part I really don't understand is that my hormone levels never got very high this time. So why do I feel so bad?

I started bleeding on Tuesday and am still going strong. It started really heavy and I had a lot of cramps. I've been feeling nauseous and my appetite is off. The worst part though has been the headaches. Nothing can touch them and it feels like I am on day 3 of a migraine. I haven't been able to work full days and have had to cancel some therapy sessions. I am just limping through this week trying to survive. The other thing I feel is overwhelmingly tired. I can't believe how exhausted I am. By 1:00 today I was ready to pass out. I came home early and slept for almost 3 hours and woke up with my headache still lingering. 

I'm coming to terms more with taking a month off. I know I need it and am planning a trip to Albany to visit my sister and dad and possibly go to my old college town to go skydiving. I've always wanted to go and now seems like a pretty good time. We also have 2 weddings this month so it will be nice to be able to drink and not have to worry. Weddings are SO MUCH more fun when alcohol is involved. 

I've been feeling pretty sad about everything. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's been hard. As I was driving home on Monday I passed the Memorial Day parade traffic. I saw all of these families walking down the street. I started to wonder whether I would have a little hand to hold someday. I get to hold little hands all of the time at work, but none of them are my own child's. I actually started to cry as I thought of the gaping hole I have in my heart that I want so badly to fill with a child. I really hope that I can make W a daddy because it breaks my heart to think of us childless. 

Stepping back a little bit makes me wonder how and why I continue to do this. I know the answer, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am just so ready to be past this point in my life and moving on to the next chapter. 

A Job Poorly Done

The past two days have been pretty awful. I woke up Monday feeling so down. I literally almost started crying to the first person I talked to. I pulled it together and made it through to the afternoon. At this point I felt miserable. I cried my eyes out while W and I walked the dogs, came home and napped, woke up with zero appetite and a raging headache, ate a few bites of dinner, and then promptly fell asleep again. I'm pretty sure going from eating crap over vacation to eating no carbs, sugar, or dairy is a big part of the feeling. I had no idea it would make me feel so down emotionally. Also, the reality of going back to work, another failed cycle, and my period made for a tough Monday.

Tonight was the first time I ate carbs. I needed it after the day I had. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more moderate with this paleo thing, because I can't take what it is doing to me emotionally. I'm generally pretty positive and don't feel very depressed easily. The past two days? Horrible. 

When I turned my phone back on Thursday evening in the airport I had numerous messages, emails, and texts. One text was from my boss B and it wasn't good. He said I hadn't sent him a report and it was due while I was away. The worst part is I stayed up late typing it the night before I left and then I guess I forgot to send it off. He wasn't happy about it. He then said I needed to plan to meet with him and the administrative boss S on Tuesday at 1:30 and that they had some "issues" to discuss with me. Welcome back to reality. The sadness set in on the last plane and I started crying due to this new work stress. From Thursday on I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was hanging over me. 

Well, today was that meeting. It really didn't go very well. Picture me at the head of the table and my two bosses, one on each side, telling me how my work performance has declined. I know exactly why, but I knew if I voiced this I would break down in tears. It was hard enough sitting there and not letting that happen without telling them the drama of my fertility treatments. The male boss B was much better about at least providing some positives within the negatives. The female boss S just tore me to shreds. She didn't have a single positive thing to say and made me feel like total crap. The issues all have to do with paperwork not being done in a timely fashion. They also had issues with the way I'm coming across to others, and then how that reflects on them. There was nothing said related to the actual job I perform, which is therapy. They told me I am not organized and appear scattered. I know I have to step it up and do a better job with the paperwork end of my job since this has really gotten bad the past few months.  I'm also really debating coming out of the infertility closet. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, but I think it would help to explain what has been going on. So, I'm asking you, have you told you boss about your infertility? 

My job is super flexible and the fact that I make my own hours has allowed me to not tell anyone. I can miss a day here and there and no one really notices. My appointments are early enough that I can still go to work and be fine. I certainly don't need to tell them and honestly feel uncomfortable telling anyone. I feel like people don't know how to respond when you tell them and that it makes them act weird. The only people who really know what is going on are my in-laws and one of my friends. My parents or sister don't even know. It makes me super sad just thinking about telling other people. It sucks and I hate talking about it. I hate admitting to what I have going on and hate the way people treat me once they do know. I don't want anyone's pity, but I do need some understanding. 

Things have really changed since I changed clinics. Since December I have done 1 IVF cycle and 2 FET's. When I switched to the new clinic the pace of things really picked up. I have more appointments and have done more cycles. It's overwhelming in itself trying to get my job done, let alone trying to balance everything and do a great job.

I ate some carbs tonight and am hoping I can start to feel like myself again. I don't think it's the bcp's since I took them in the past and they didn't bother me at all. I'm so glad that meeting is behind me, but I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out the entire way home.    

Sorry for the downer post but I had to get it all out. I need your input as to whether I should tell my boss or not what is going on. Thanks!

IVF #1 CD 2 (suppression check)

So everything went well. I was cleared to start stims yesterday and the ultrasound was uneventful. I am currently on 150 IU's on Gonal-F and my Lupron was reduced to 10 units/day.

Speaking of Lupron, we had some issues yesterday. I had the nurse call in a script on Monday to my pharmacy and went Wednesday to see the status. They told me they were waiting for pre-authorization from my insurance company form the doctor's office. I asked yesterday and the nurse said she never heard from them. Well, the kit I had was almost gone so the nurse had to do some scrambling to find some. Due to the shortage, the closest she could find it was a pharmacy in NYC. I had to pay the full price since I didn't have time to get the pre-auth from insurance, and pay to have it delivered next day. The price wasn't too bad and my insurance company will reimburse me if it is something they cover. I just received the package and have a new Lupron kit in my possession.

The worst part about my appointment yesterday was the nurse. She is the main nurse at this clinic because it is small. She is the one I talk to with my questions, she did my IUI's, and is basically my go-to person. Well, I walked in yesterday to see she was bald. I finally asked her if everything was OK and she shook her head and didn't really say much. She then talked about how her voice has been bothering her and she thinks it is from the new round of chemo she started. I knew she had surgery a few months back but thought it was just back surgery. I felt really sad for her the rest of the day.

We had dinner on the boat with my in-laws yesterday. The weather was amazing and the wine was delicious. Going to the lake reminds me of when W and I first met and would hang out. We were both working at a restaurant and I would often go to his parent's lake house to hang out after work with him. We have so many great memories there, and just being there reminds me of how lucky I am to have him and everything great in my life. I am so thankful we are even able to have the opportunity to do IVF. Maybe I will be brave enough to go swimming today, we will see.

Something horrible happened a little while ago. I checked on the robin eggs to see whether they had hatched or not and then went back inside. About 5 minutes later I heard a loud boom and looked out to see the hanging basket fell and the eggs were broken on my front porch. I felt horrible (and still do). I'm sorry momma robin : (

getting (hopefully) knocked up at 50 mph

My hubby had his appointment at the andrology lab in the hospital today at 8. I was waiting on a call from him to hear when his sample be ready. He called as I was headed to see my first client and said it would take about 45 minutes, so instead of going to Pre-K to hang with Jonathan, I headed into Syracuse. The drive is about 45 minutes so it would work out.

We were talking on the phone (as I was on my way into Syracuse and he was on his way back) about how I have been feeling and how everything went when we passed each other at 50 mph. We joked that that was one way to get pregnant. I was like wow, your sperm really does rock, you made your deposit going the opposite direction at 50. 

I parked in the drop off/pick up spot at the hospital and put my flashers on. I was picking something up so it seemed appropriate to park there. I had to check in at two different desks and at the second the woman asked me if I was meeting someone there. It was a little awkward to tell her instead I was picking something up.  

It was a little difficult to find the place, but a nice male nurse with short hair in the front and a long ponytail in the back showed me the way. When I got to the desk the guy got me the sample and gave it to me in a mini styrofoam cooler and proceeded to tell me how great it was. He said he hadn't seen the motility that high post-wash in a long time. He gave me a print-out of the info and here it is:

                                     Pre Wash                   Post Wash

Count:                      489.6 million                 320.1

Motility:                       74%                            97%

I got to the office and it was the busiest I have ever seen it. There I was sitting with my mini cooler and everyone else was there to see their GYN. They called me in and took the sample while I emptied my bladder. They then led me into a room and had me undress from the waist down and wait. I was a little surprised to see that the nurse was going to do the procedure, but my RE had warned me that he wouldn't likely be doing it. Both nurses who entered the room commented on how great the count was and said it was rare to see the motility so high. Hardest compliment to respond to ever. 

I had a little bit of cramping initially, but nothing too bad. They then slid a little platform out from the table and had me put my feet up there. They left the room and said "see you in a half hour." My phone was within view, but not reach so I just laid there and tried to meditate and relax.

During the day I called my MIL to tell her how everything evolved for this cycle. My hubby had told her about the dominant follicle being on the left previously, but she didn't know the latest. I told her about her son's count and she didn't really know how to respond. Her best reply was, "that's not something you can put on your resume." This was a fitting reply since W is in the process of finding a job and she recently helped him to edit his resume. We joked that that one only impresses the right crowd.

I left and headed to work. I saw 5 kids today instead of my usual 8, but didn't feel like working late into the afternoon so still ended my day early. I can't exactly explain why, but I am feeling really down. I guess part of it is that over the past 10 months I have gone through a lot. There has been a diagnosis of PCOS, a large cyst that required two surgeries and months of waiting for it to shrink, the news of blocked tubes, the pursuit of an IVF cycle and all of the testing involved followed by an surprise pregnant and then an early miscarriage, a D&C and removal of one tube, and now our first IUI cycle with a dominant follicle on, of course, the left side. Rather than feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle (which I know I should), this afternoon I felt super depressed. There have only been two others times during this process where I have felt this down: 1. When we decided to start trying and I found out I had PCOS and a large cyst meaning we weren't going to be able to try for a while (ended up being 4 months) 2. When I had the surgery to drain the cyst and the HSG revealed both of my tubes were blocked. Both of these times occurred when I was feeling optimistic to start (start trying for a family, start trying after surgery to remove the cyst), and was disappointed by news that meant waiting longer.  I came home and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. I told him how I feel like things keeping getting worse and worse. We have had 2 weeks of happiness in terms of TTC (when I knew I was pregnant before the ultrasound showing the slow heart rate) in 10 months. I have had moments of excitement and optimism here and there, but can't muster feeling that way about IUI's in the future. If I didn't want a baby so badly I would quit.  

I am disappointed in this cycle and the treatment I received from my clinic for the following reasons: no blood work at any time to check hormone levels, a single ultrasound with a trigger given 3 days after the follicle was at 17 mm, no return calls from the nurse until late in the day when previously I have gotten calls from my RE or the nurse within a much shorter timeframe, the nurse performing the IUI, no progesterone support following the IUI (my progesterone levels were in the low average range with my last pregnancy despite support), and no beta scheduled (I will call 2 weeks from tomorrow if I still haven't gotten my period). I am trying my best to be optimistic and hopeful and I would love for the IUI to work, but I am having a hard time convincing myself. I am hoping today was my pity party and I can move on from here and try to be more optimistic.

Time to focus on something else for 2 weeks. We have my brother staying with us all weekend. He is 9 and will be the first one to stay in our newly painted and upgraded guest room. We also have our office paint project still going (I want to paint stripes and we have painted a first coat and taped 1/2 the room).

 Also, we are dog-sitting for a week starting Sunday. We will have 3 dogs in our house all week...aahhh!!! The dog we are watching is less than a year and crazy. I just realized yesterday was our dog's 4th birthday. Maybe we will have to celebrate this weekend. Bring on the fun!

Empty

I have been feeling really down lately. I thought once the D&C and laparoscopy were over I would start feeling better. Well, physically I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I left the house and I went the whole day without any pain meds. We went out to breakfast and then to the Syracuse Antiques Exchange and bought a really nice framed stained glass window we plan to hang in front of the window on our stairs. It was nice to have a distraction and to be out of the house, but I felt sad the whole day. When we were sitting at the restaurant I started crying a few times. As soon as we came home, I burst into tears.

My day started out with a phone call from my Mom. She called to see if we wanted to go cross country skiing and I had to remind her that I wasn't doing any skiing because I had surgery on Thursday. She proceeded to tell me she completely forgot, but how did it go? When I told her my MIL was at the hospital for the surgery and had brought us dinner on Sat night, she said "wow, she's a better Mom than me." Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was crying and told W about the conversation. I can't believe she completely forgot and then admitted she wasn't a very good Mom. The rest of the day she spent trying to make it up to me: having my step-dad meet us at the restaurant to apologize for her, buying us the painting she has been meaning to lately, buying me flowers and dropping them at our house, and then stopping over later with a card and some small gifts. It sucks that she is not good at supporting me or being there for me, and W says we need to focus on the positive people and things we have in our life, but it's hard to forget. She still doesn't know about the D&C or miscarriage, and I'm not sure when or if I will ever tell her. I could make excuses for her and say she does have some issues (bi-polar), but I feel like there is no excuse for forgetting that your daughter is having surgery.

As my day started out with this phone conversation with my mom, I just felt down the whole day. When I did get pregnant I repeatedly would ask my hubby, "What if this doesn't work out? I have no idea what I would do then." Well it sucks that I am faced with what to do now in this scenario. When I was still pregnant but the pregnancy was no longer "viable" I was sad but still felt full. After this week I have felt completely empty. I know we weren't that far along, but I was so happy and excited. I had started looking at things different and planning differently. We were supposed to be telling people soon and having them share in our excitement. Instead, I feel like I am in the bottom of a huge pit and trying to find a way out.

I know I am a strong person, but didn't really foresee feeling so bad after all of this. Lately I am questioning whether I really think we will get pregnant again, and if we do, will that also end badly? When you want something so badly for so long and then get it, losing it is the worst thing. I sat in the tub last night and cried while my hubby tried to comfort me. There isn't much anyone can say lately that makes any of this feel OK or better. Today I am sad...