16 Weeks!

It really feels like time is starting to fly by. The weather has been beautiful, spring has sprung, and so has my belly. I'm embracing this pregnancy so much more and we've told a lot of people in the past week or so. It started with my work and branched out to so many people so quickly. I didn't realize how much fun it was going to be to tell people. I love the look or reaction I get when I tell people it's twins. It's totally priceless. 

Unfortunately, I had an unexpected trip to the ob a week ago Friday. I got a call that morning from the neurologist saying they had a cancellation and could see me in a few hours. I wasn't sure whether to take the appointment or not and called my ob's office to see if it was still recommended since my headaches were better. I decided to take it because it wouldn't hurt, but by the time I got back to them they had filled it. My ob's office called again to follow-up and I happened to mention some pain I was having around my belly. I've had a TON of round ligament pain recently and it wasn't the same. It felt different and wasn't in the same spot. So, the nurse recommended I come in to be seen to make sure everything was ok. I spoke with my ob, gave a urine sample to check for a UTI, and she did a quick ultrasound to check for heartbeats. Both babies were wiggling away and their heartbeats were great. I then mentioned my fears about my cervix and asked if she had checked in on ultrasound. I've 3 D&C's and worry that will compromise my cervix some. I asked her and she said she could check it or send me to the hospital for a more detailed ultrasound since she didn't trust her measurements using the vaginal probe. I told her whatever she recommended and she suggested the second ultrasound. No complains about 2 ultrasounds in one day, that's for sure. At the hospital my cervix was long and closed and the tech was great. I asked her to take a peek for genders since W wasn't with me but neither baby cooperated. I guess it's a sign I should stick to what we decided. Later that afternoon my ob called to tell me everything looked great. 

I returned this past Friday with my MiL since W couldn't make it. We got another ultrasound to check heartbeats (once again, no complaints there). Both babies were great but the scale made me nervous by reporting that I had gained 4 pounds in one week, putting me up about 8 pounds total. I'm hoping to not gain that much in another week for a while! 

Babies- The babies are about 4.5 inches this week. Their movements are becoming more controlled and their legs are more developed. Their heads are more erect (which I can actually see as a progression in ultrasound pictures) and they are developing their hairlines. They are even growing tiny toenails. 

Weight Gain- At my appointment a week ago Friday I was up 2 pounds. Last week I was up another 4! I guess I'm making up for the lack of weight gain in my first trimester. I hope it slows down a little bit. 

Belly/Maternity Clothes- I made the switch to all maternity pants last week. I joked to my sister that she did something to me over the weekend because the following week nothing fit. I bought a few more maternity shirts and started wearing them this week. I had to tell people I was pregnant before I started wearing tighter fitting shirts. My belly popped out last week and continues to grow. I know it's not really that big, but it feels a lot bigger to me.

Feeling brave enough to add a belly picture. 

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings- The nausea is SO MUCH better. Last week I stayed out late for dinner with friends and felt horrible the next day. It was like the first trimester all over again. The aversions are pretty much gone as well. I haven't had any huge cravings, but the only thing that has really "hit the spot" recently has been cheeseburgers. So delicious!

Symptoms- The heartburn has been much better this week so I'll take it. The round ligament pain has been increasing and is quite frequent. I went to a prenatal yoga class this past weekend and asked about yoga poses to help. Unfortunately, her best advice was a chiropractor or support belt. Luckily, I won an initial visit with a local chiropractor at the Baby Expo and had an appointment scheduled. I'm really looking forward to it as her speciality is pregnancy. A few women at the yoga class knew her and went to her. My energy ebbs and flows but the past few days I've been exhausted. We watched our friend's 3 month old on Sunday and I was just so tired all day. When I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffed up nose I realized why I was so tired. The sore throat still hurts but I'm hoping it gets better soon. I napped for 2 hours the past 2 days. Overall, I'm feeling pretty good though. No huge complains which is great. 

Sleep- Like I said I've been feeling more tired lately. I think it's because I'm fighting something off. I finally received my pregnancy pillow and it's my new best bud in bed. I love it! It makes sleep so much better! It's a little big to rotate with in bed so I leave it on one side mainly. It really is fantastic. I can't recommend one highly enough. Still sleeping really well but the bad dreams are back. W said it's likely because I'm feeling a little anxious about telling everyone our news. 

Mood- Feeling super emotional these days. My sister often sends me pictures of my little nephew and last weekend I started crying when I saw a picture. I really wish I lived closer to her and could spend more time with him. He also spits up a lot and I worry about him. I just love that little guy so much. I can't imagine how much I'm going to love these little ones once they get here. I'm not as moody, just ready to cry on the drop of a dime. 

Meds- Nothing has changed. My ob gladly send refills to the pharmacy for Metformin and Lovenox but was hesitant about Foltanx. She is waiting to hear what the perinatologist says before writing the script. 

Memorable Moments- Getting our first bunch of newborn cloth diapers, they are SO CUTE! We started with 10 in varying colors. 

Telling work and so many other people our big news. I'm still telling the families I work with this week. Actually enjoying telling people!

Making to move to all maternity pants practically overnight. Seeing my belly get bigger and bigger and loving it!

Seeing the babies on ultrasound multiples times. They have moved from being on top of each other to being next to each other and Baby A isn't happy about it. It was kicking its sibling in the head! They are really looking like babies now. Picture can be found here.

Installing a ceiling fan in the nursery, painting the ceiling, and moving everything out of the room. 

Attending the Baby Expo and winning a free chiropractic visit. Going to my first prenatal yoga class.

Spending time with my sister and nephew and seeing his little smiles in person. 

Upcoming- First visit with the perinatal center tomorrow. I'm feeling a little anxious about it but W will be there so that's great. We have to meet with a genetic counselor so I'm curious what that will entail. I think W will get to see the babies for the first time in quite a few weeks. I'm just spoiled. 

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for May 16th. Hopefully we can stay strong and not find out the genders. 

Prenatal yoga again on Thursday night. I really enjoyed going and need to actually going to a class to do it. We bought a DVD for at home but it still hasn't been opened. Being at a class is just so much more enjoyable to me. 

Join the Movement

This week marks National Infertility Awareness Week. It's not something I can just let pass by without recognizing. Infertility is the hardest thing I've ever faced. Its tested me in ways I had no idea was possible and showed me things about myself I may never have realized otherwise. It showed me how important it is to be a strong advocate for yourself. It's revealed to me my deep tenacity and persistence. 

W and I started trying to get pregnant about 8 months after we got married in October of 2009. I wanted to try sooner but there was no convincing him otherwise. We started trying in June and 2 months later we were sitting face-to-face with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). After a diagnosis of PCOS, the loss of my left fallopian tube, a devastating miscarriage at 8 weeks, 2 IUI's, 2 chemical pregnancies, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 19 embryos, 2 RE's, 1 Reproductive Immunologist, and  2 1/2 years of treatments, we finally found out we were pregnant with twins. It's been a crazy ride, but already it all feels worth it. It made me a stronger person and cemented my marriage in ways I thought was only possible after 30 years of marriage. 

I'm not Facebook public about our struggles, but I've recently reached out to a few people individually, and that is a huge step for me. 

W works with a girl named Meghan who got married a few months before us. She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant since that time. I know she's been pregnant more than once, only to lose those pregnancies. When I was also struggling I hinted towards our struggles to her a few times, but was too afraid to really reach out. Once we started talking about telling our different co-workers about our pregnancy W began worrying about telling her. 

One day recently we were walking the dogs and decided to walk a little further to her house to tell her the news. We wanted to tell her individually so that she could process the information without others around her. I know how hard it can be to hear a pregnancy announcement with other people around who don't understand. I really wanted to be sensitive to her feelings because I've been there so many times before. 

We also told her that we struggled for a long time and used fertility treatments to get pregnant. I offered my knowledge and anything else to her in case she wanted. She didn't say much at the time but has definitely reached out to W multiple times since then. We are planning to have dinner with them sometime in order to share our story. I know it's not a huge thing, but I would love to help her if possible. I started on this journey feeling so alone and have since felt like I'm in good company. I'd love her to feel that way too. 

I also received a congratulatory Facebook message from my cousin this past week. For one of our first trips to see Dr. Br.averman we stayed on her incredibly uncomfortable pull-out couch in NYC. I know her husband had a variocele repair surgery last year and W pointed out the ovulation tests to me that were in her bathroom. She seemed really casual about trying to get pregnant, but I know how easy it is to play it off to others. It's not that casual when you are having surgery to help or using ovulation tests. 

I responded to her message and said that we really struggled to get pregnant and finally found an amazing doctor near her. I told her I was happy to share everything if she ever wanted to chat. She responded that she is going to Thailand this summer and they weren't going to worry about things until after that, but would love to pick my brain about things. She said she would probably be calling me soon. 

I know these aren't giant steps for others, but they are for me. I'm very personal and really had difficulty sharing my story with others while we were making every effort to get pregnant. I was afraid of the looks of sadness and didn't want other people's sympathy. Maybe I was crazy in feeling this way, but my experience of telling a few people close to me almost always resulted in that reaction. It really scared me off from reaching out and telling others. 

I'm opening up and starting to share what we went through with people who aren't super close to me. I really want to help others. I want them to know that they aren't alone. Finding friends who were also struggling with infertility was so huge for me. It's great to still have these people in my life because they best understand pregnancy after infertility. I really don't know what this journey would have been like without them. 

Blogging has also been huge for me. There are so many people that I watched struggle and then become parents. It was a huge inspiration for me to know that if it happened for others, it could happen to me. I appreciate and love each and every comment and positive note people leave me on my blog. 

My blog started as a way for me to vent and get things off my chest. I never thought I would connect with so many others going through many of the same struggles. I know there are people who haven't reached their goals and I really try to continue to support them as much as I can. I think about them often and hope they are successful. 

So, I'm evolving in my thoughts and actions as my journey advances. None of us should have to feel as alone as I did when I first found out pregnancy was going to be so difficult to achieve. I'm trying to connect with others and hoping to make a difference, however small it ends up being. No matter what, infertility will always be a part of who I am. 

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/ 

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

14 Weeks

I'm amazed and so incredibly grateful to be at this point. There's no denying now that I'm into the second trimester. I'm feeling much better than I was last week and I really appreciate all of the positive and supportive comments I received on my last post. I know being pregnant is scary, but being pregnant after infertility and loss seems even scarier.

I'm embracing things a bit more and feeling more confident in things. The headaches have been better so I'm not sure if it's the magnesium or the little amount of caffeine I'm finally allowing myself to have. This past Saturday was my first almost headache-free day. Things are definitely looking up. I didn't hear any more about the neurologist so I'm not pushing it. 

I did hear from my ob's office today regarding a MFM (maternal fetal medicine aka perinatologist) appointment. They said they didn't have any record of the MTHFR or Leiden Factor V despite having nearly 50 pages of information from Dr. B's office, so they asked for their number in order to get that information. They are going to schedule the appointment for me, so it's just a wait and see kind of thing. I only want to go in hopes of getting another ultrasound. I think I'm officially cut off until our anatomy scan. That's a long time when you're used to scans every other week at least. I've been using my doppler a bit more recently, but it's just so reassuring. 

Babies-The babies are about 3 inches each now. This week they are able to make facial expressions like squinting and grimacing. Their kidneys are producing urine and they can pee (and then hang out in it).  They can grasp and suck their thumbs. It's amazing to think there are 6 inches of baby in my ute! 

Weight Gain/Loss- As far as I know, still not much change. We don't have a functional scale (not a mistake) so I haven't been weighing myself.

Belly/Maternity Clothes-Big surprise, my belly is still growing. I'm still mainly wearing my regular jeans but have purchased a few maternity pairs. They are so much more comfortable but are tighter fitting than the ones I have been wearing. I wore a t-shirt yesterday and noticed it didn't just fall in the front. It got a little hung up on my belly and fit much more tightly there. I definitely haven't popped out and I'm eagerly awaiting that (I know I'll regret saying that eventually). Now that it's getting warmer it's harder to hide behind a sweatshirt. I'm still in the looking chubby vs pregnant stage.

Nausea/Aversions/Cravings-The nausea is just about gone. I have moments from time to time, but it's really nothing like it was. The food aversions are much better as well. I've been loving asparagus, steamed clams, and Fruit Loops recently. I generally eat really well/healthy for breakfast and dinner but lunch is always more questionable. Being out on the road for work all the time leads to lots of unhealthy temptations. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry so I tend to just pick something up.

Symptoms-Heartburn has been more frequent. Tums are my friends, especially the minty ones since the other ones just don't work as well. The round ligament pain continues and I've had a bit of cramping the past few days. It continues to make me nervous even though it's probably just growing pains. Shifting in bed can be quite painful with the shooting ligament pains, as can sneezing. The extreme fatigue is slowly improving. I don't feel any huge bursts of energy, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep by 2:00. This afternoon was the first time I didn't nap in a long time. I'm pretty sure I will be in bed early though. 

Sleep- It's still pretty good. I'm getting up a few times to pee but am usually able to fall back asleep pretty easily. Occasionally I have some difficulty falling back asleep, but it's really nothing to complain about. I ordered a pregnancy pillow online and the wrong one arrived today. They are shipping out the right one so hopefully I will have it soon. This past week I had a few bad dreams, but it's not a regular thing. We're only watching positive/funny stuff on t.v, so I'm not sure where they are coming from.

Mood-My mood has been better since feeling so down last week. This morning I had zero patience with the kids and felt a little bad about it after. It's really frustrating to me when kids throw items of drop them under a table or something. I know I'm not big at all and shouldn't be complaining about bending down and picking things up, but it really is uncomfortable. I try to get the kids to get things as much as possible, but it doesn't always work. Yesterday this little boy would get the item and then just throw it further away.

Meds-It terms of meds I'm down to Metformin, Foltanx, and Lovenox by prescription. I'm taking prenatals, iron (since the chewy delicious prenatals don't have it), magensium, and baby aspirin. It's a bit but it sure beats PIO shots every night. My butt is still recovering from the shots and I continue to have a few little lumps left behind.

Memorable moments-W and I attended a cloth diapering class this weekend in Ithaca. It was super informative and opened my mind a bit more. W is definitely the driving force with the cloth diapering, but I think I'm getting more on board. They are seriously super cute. We are thinking about using all-in-one diapers to cut back on the work. After, we had lunch with my friend T (6 weeks ahead of me with her IVF pregnancy), her sister, and her niece at one of my favorite places. After lunch we went to a children's consignment store and I bought another pair on maternity jeans.

We had a Skype date with my mom and step-dad tonight and told them the news. They were really happy and excited for us and it was really fun to see their reactions (since they are in Costa Rica until July). My step-dad kept saying, "Wow, twins".  

I may have felt a little bit of movement one evening, but I'm not completely convinced. 

We also assembled a cradle we bought years ago (before we ever knew we would have trouble getting pregnant). We got a great deal on it and it's been sitting in our attic since. It was in an effort to get excited and embrace things a bit more. It's SO cute, but the cat discovered it and has been sleeping in it.

I still haven't told my work but plan to do it sometime this week. I still have thoughts that taking these steps will jinx things, but I can't help it. W told a co-worker yesterday when we walked the dogs to her house. She and her hubby have been trying for a long time and I know she's had some losses. W told her we used fertility treatments and I offered up my knowledge to her if she ever has any questions. I guess today at work she told W that her husband had a ton of questions. I'm more than happy to share anything/everything I learned in the process. I wish I didn't know so much, but I'm happy to help others if possible.

This weekend W is going to a bachelor party for his cousin in Montreal. I'm going to a Mom's of Multiples sale on Saturday morning and then there's also a baby expo somewhere else. My MiL is joining me. I'm not looking for anything specific, but you never know. After those I will head to Albany to spend time with my sis and little nephew. I'm looking forward to seeing baby Ben since he has started smiling. I have seen it via Face Time, but it's just not the same.

Once again, thanks everyone for all of the amazing support and all of your wonderful comments. It made a world of difference to know I wasn't alone in my feelings/fears.

Feeling Lost

I've been feeling super emotional. It all started with my ob appointment yesterday. 

The most important thing is that the babies are doing great. They're growing, wiggling, and thriving. The ultrasound technician was super friendly and we got some great pictures. As always, Baby A was the cooperative one. Baby B didn't want to face the right direction so we didn't get as many good pictures of that baby. She switched into 3d/4d and they looked super cute. Sure, they're skinny little things, but they're cute. She told me my uterus is already up above my belly button and measuring the same size as someone would at 20 weeks pregnant with a singleton. Holy crap!

From the ultrasound we went back into the waiting room and did what everyone does there, waited. For a long time. There were so many cute big bellies and I sat there feeling like a poser. There was a guy singing along to his headphones, really annoying me and W. Once the room was completely cleared of any of patients, they finally called us in. 

Once again, we got stuck with the easily flustered nurse. She asked me to give a urine sample and I told her I gave it to the ultrasound tech. She then asked me to step on the scale. This was when things started to get really crappy. I had lost a pound. What?! I had eaten SO MUCH yesterday and was super shocked to learn this. My first reaction was to ask the nurse if I should be concerned about not gaining weight. She nodded and then retracted somewhat, knowing it wasn't really her place to answer this question. In total, in my first trimester I gained maybe 2 pounds. This was judging by my physical with my general physician on an incredibly bad week where I hadn't eaten much due to nausea. My guess is I'm about the same, if not a little lighter than I was when I started this round of IVF. 

The nurse brought me into the exam room and asked me if I had any other questions. I mentioned a few concerns I had and she noted them. Then we waited some more for the doctor. I had specifically requested the ob I saw the first time I went. The one who was so great and who also delivered my friend's little boy O. 

She finally came in. The first thing she asked about was whether I had a report from Dr. B about recommendations moving forward. When I saw him at 8 weeks he said when we met at 12 weeks we would "make a plan for the rest of the pregnancy." I guess I thought that meant he would give written recommendations to my ob and I told her something along those lines that last time. Well, at 12 weeks when I saw Dr. B he gave me verbal recommendations and answered all of my questions, but said he couldn't put anything in writing because he was no longer treating me. He said he was open to being contacted by my ob, but that was about it. 

I feel like from this initial question from Dr. Hill everything went sour. Her mood completely shifted and she was distant. She didn't ask if we had any questions and everything felt very one-sided. When I told her Dr. B recommended I stay on Lovenox once daily she cautioned me that studies show it could have as many risks as benefits. This was something she had leaned towards recommending last time I spoke with her. I then mentioned the headaches I've been having. I've been getting them daily since the weekend we went to Albany/Long Island for Easter. Her recommendation? To refer me to a neurologist due to "the blood clotting issues." Really? She also said I could try taking Magnesium and see if that helps. She didn't reassure me (like I wanted) that it was normal or okay. Instead, she instilled a huge amount of worry with the mention of a neurologist. 

I then asked her about the weight gain. She said she wasn't hugely concerned and then recommended that I only gain 15-20 pounds throughout the pregnancy. I didn't say anything but was shocked by this amount. Last time she told me 30-35. 

W and I left both feeling a bit upset. She was distant and more focused on her computer. She didn't show any empathy or compassion for our situation. She recommended a referral to a neurologist and contradicted herself with her weight gain recommendations. She left a bad taste in both of our mouths. How could this be the same doctor as last time? Was she really that upset that she wasn't going to get recommendations in writing? 

I spent the rest of the afternoon worrying like crazy. W tried to reassure me that the babies were doing great and growing and that's what was important. We talked about how there were other doctors in the practice that I could see like the one I saw with my MiL that I really liked. 

I took a bath last night and tried to relax. Instead, I came out of the bathroom crying to W. I'm so scared in so many ways that I'm going to fail our babies. Not gaining weight is a huge way. How can I be 13 weeks with twins and have not gained any weight? Sure, I had some nausea and food aversions early on, but recently my appetite has been great and I've never thrown up. I told him my fears for our babies. I really just want to be the best mommy to them in every way possible. 

This morning it wasn't any better. When I again woke up with a headache again I thought about the neurologist recommendation. I emailed Dr. B to get his opinion and once again cried my eyes out to W. We talked about how stress could play a part in it all and I told him I had slept terribly last night. We talked for a while and realized it all coincided with my discharge with Dr. B's care. 

I think I'm more upset about being discharged than I realized. I've thought about it a few times from time to time and gotten almost depressed. I guess I feel like after everything we went through it was a huge breath of fresh air to find a doctor like Dr. Br.averman. Finally someone understood what was going on and figured out what I needed. He responded to all of my questions in an amazing way and was the rock I felt I needed. No longer having him scares me. 

Maybe I'm putting too much on a doctor. I'm not trusting and accepting the fact that it's been my body thats been succeeding for the past 13 weeks. It hasn't been a doctor or the medicines alone. My body has been succeeding. I just don't believe it. I'm just still so scared to accept this all as real. 

I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm so amazingly grateful and happy to be where we are. The huge dark cloud of infertility that followed us around for 2 1/2 years has parted from over our heads. It's a huge relief to not be in that place anymore. But it's doesn't change how I feel about things right now. 

I looked briefly about PTSD and I read some about dissociation/detachment. "Detachment includes experiences of disconnection from the self or environment, such as depersonalization, derealization, and out-of-body experience." Also, "In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanism in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress."

I really don't think it's anything severe, but I do think my denial of pregnancy falls somewhere along these lines. I'm trying to protect myself by denying that it happening to me. 

As I trudged through the trenches of infertility I thought I handled it all pretty well. We went through some incredibly tough times but I remained (mostly) positive throughout. I persevered and stayed strong. It was incredibly hard but I thought I handled it well. I'm starting to realize that the scars left behind are much deeper than I ever thought. 

W and I talked about taking small steps to embrace this pregnancy. I'm not to the point of making a huge announcement to everyone, but I know I will get there. Part of this comes in accepting and acknowledging that I am doing a great job. My babies are thriving and it's my body thats supporting that. 

Please understand that I'm not complaining. I'm so happy and blessed to be pregnant. I'm just having a difficult time accepting and wrapping my brain around this new reality. 

Occupational Hazards

For my job I go into people's homes every day. Some are better than others, and some are pretty horrible. At the present moment, I don't have any that are too terrible. I wear jeans to work every day so I can sit on the floor and not worry about ruining any nice clothes. I love that my job is casual and that I can be comfortable every day. 

I've been working with half brothers since September. Their house was never the cleanest, but it was fine. I would often see the boys are daycare so that was much better than at home.

Recently they moved out of their house and into a family member's house. There are a lot of people in the house including two teenage girls with autism. It's busy, loud, and chaotic, but there is a big table I can sit at in the dining room with the boys. My arm may have gotten stuck on a sticky spot on the table a time or two, but I've definitely seen worse. At least I was at a table with chairs. 

The first day I left the new house I smelled like smoke. I saw an older guy with an unlit cigarette in his hand but never saw anyone smoking. I don't love that I smelled like smoke, but it happens a lot. Smoke lingers in people's home, regardless of how recently they smoked. 

The second time I walked into the house I looked all the way back through the house to see a kitchen so dense with smoke you could hardly see the people in the room. The room with the big table was directly next to the room filled with smoke. I looked and there were no doors we could close to contain it somewhat. 

I suffered for an hour, debating what exactly to do. It's hard to go into someone's home, especially their extended family's home and tell them what to do. I know I wouldn't like a stranger telling me what they would like me to do or not do in my house. In addition to the smoke I could hear little animals running around within the roof/ceiling. I think they were squirrels and that was slightly humorous to be honest. 

I left and went home to immediately pull off all of my clothes and put them in the wash. It was disgusting. The next session was supposed to be at daycare so I didn't feel the need to say anything. When I drove all the way to the daycare the next time the mom told me she forgot to text me and tell me, but the boys were at her father's smokey house. I decided to not see them that day. 

Last week was spring break and I didn't see the boys at all. Luckily, the mom texted me today to tell me all of the days I see them this coming week they will be at daycare. 

I guess it's time to start telling people so they are more considerate. I would love them to be more conservative and cancel when their children are sick, or put the cigarettes out when I'm in the house. I even debated asking that mom if she would meet me at the library or something so I didn't have to go into the house. I guess I'm glad I have another week to figure it out. 

I had the chance to tell my boss last week but chickened out. W laughed at me but I'm still having a hard time uttering those words, "I'm pregnant" without any kind of prompt or question. I'm sure I'll get there, and hopefully it will be sooner than later. 

Today when I put on something other than a sweatshirt it was obvious there's something going on. I've purchased a few pairs of maternity pants and I hemmed and wore my first pair this weekend. It's hard to get used to not having a button and fly when going to the bathroom. I'd love to be more open about it and start to wear some tighter clothes rather than big baggy ones. It's time I embrace and show off my belly that is growing bigger and bigger. 

I called my ob's office last week and asked a few questions including when they would want to see me next. The nurse said she would ask the doctor and call me back. When she called back she told me the doctor wanted to see me again this next Tuesday. She said we would talk and they would also do an ultrasound to check for the heartbeats. We are going to have a photo album of ultrasound pictures, but I'm sure not complaining. I'm pretty sure after this appointment that I won't be going for a while. Maybe after that I will start to tell more people?? 

Heck, I still haven't told my mom and step-father. Granted they are in Costa Rica until the end of June, but it's still almost laughable. W and I joked we would pick them up at the airport to a huge surprise. I really want to tell them over Skype but just haven't gotten the chance yet. 

I'm so unclear as to when the second trimester officially starts. Is it 12, 13, or 14 weeks? I know it's just a number and concept, but I guess I would just like to know since I'm super confused. 

Easter and Graduation

We had our last appointment with Dr. Br.averman this past Monday. 

We left Friday evening and spent the weekend with my sister K in Albany. She and I dyed Easter eggs Saturday while the boys hung out. We all took a long walk with little Ben strapped to W's chest in a carrier (he really wanted to carry him) in the beautiful sunshine.

On Saturday afternoon we met my Dad and his gf at a sports bar to watch the NCAA basketball game. Syracuse played Marquette. We were rooting for Syracuse and my Dad was rooting for Marquette since this is his alma mater. W had a good time egging on my dad when Syracuse won. Baby Ben came as well and slept the entire time.

Sunday morning I woke up to find that my sister hid all the Easter eggs for me and W to find. I hid them last year, but since she has baby Ben she was up first and hid them. I had gotten a bunch of candy and put together easter baskets for K, my BiL D, and W. K cooked a delicious breakfast. My Dad, and my BiL's parents came over for dinner on Sunday night and we had a pretty delicious feast.

Baby Ben wearing the adorable hat I bought him

I spent a lot of time over the weekend snuggling with little Ben and thinking about how it's going to be with 2 little ones. K and I gave him a bath and he loved it. He's a pretty easy-going little guy (so far) and still super cute. He's really tiny and loves to be held and snuggled. He's getting more alert and starting to look around more. We saw him roll over from his belly to his back once. It was pretty impressive since he's only 5 weeks old.

On Sunday night we headed down to our "second home" AKA our friends apartment in Queens. We got in pretty late and had to do my shots on the road. I got a little annoyed with W when he left the car door open when my pants were down, showing off my lovely butt to anyone who wanted to look. The worst part was I yelled at him to shut the door more quickly and he didn't hear me so opened the door back up to once again display my butt. 

Monday morning we got up, got ready, and headed out for a breakfast of delicious NYC bagels. We arrived just in time and I wrapped up the little gift we brought (2 bottles of Finger Lakes wine) for Dr. B in the car.

We didn't wait too long to be called back but waited for quite a bit once we were in the room. I was so disappointed when the nurse told me that "wandy" wanted to see me again. They had me undress from the waist down and we waited and waited. It was getting hot and my legs and butt were sticking to the paper on the table, but eventually Dr. B came in. He wasn't in his usual super sarcastic mood, but it was also Monday morning after a holiday weekend.

He put "wandy" in and neither W or I saw anything right away. This worried me a little because I expected them to immediately come into view. Well, he moved "wandy" a little and there they were. He hovered over one of them to try to find a heartbeat. He waited about 10 seconds and then turned the volume up. Still nothing. He was looking at the screen making some confused/focused face (or what it seemed like to me) and I started to panic. My heart was beating so fast and we still didn't hear any little heartbeat. I looked at W with a look of terror. Finally I just asked him, "Is there a heartbeat?" He apologized and said that yes, but that the computer took a minute to really pick it up. He said he turned it up so we could hear it. Then, we heard that amazing sound and I was so relieved.

Both babies looked great and are starting to measure a bit different. The ultrasound tech told me they would at my last appointment. Baby A (the baby on the bottom) was measuring about 4 days ahead at 12w3d. He/she really looked like it wanted to take a cozy little nap. Its heartbeat was something like 166. Baby B was once again our mover and shaker. That baby measured right on target at 11w6d. It had a heartbeat of 178. It was flailing its little arms and legs and moving around quite a bit. W was so happy to see them moving. He loves the photos. He keeps looking at them and smiling.

As Dr. B started to remove "wandy" I asked if we were going to get any pictures. He said he knew there was something he forgot, and went back to take a few.

Baby B waving

I love this picture of their little heads. Baby B was snuggled in too deep to get a good pic of them together. 

Baby A

Babies looking like aliens

Dr. B said he definitely didn't need to see us again and asked if we had any questions. I asked about all of my meds. I was instructed to stop PIO shots, Neupogen shots, and Estrogen patches (SOOO happy!!!) When I asked about Lovenox he looked back through my chart and said he would like to see me stay on it throughout the pregnancy but reduced from twice to once/day. This is mainly due to the fact that I have Leiden Factor V. He told me Metformin should be something I continue through pregnancy and beyond since I have a metabolic disorder, PCOS. He said to take baby aspirin throughout pregnancy and "until the day before". I think W and I were both a little confused so didn't really ask. He then told us we were supposed to ask "until the day before what?" He told us the day before I die. I said I may not have warning, but if I'm given 24 hours to live that I will certainly stop. He joked that I will be celebrating when they give me 24 hours to live because that means I can stop my baby aspirin.

We gave him his gift and card and thanked him again. I had wanted to give him a hug but didn't think that would be a good idea since I was naked from the waist down. I had also wanted to get my picture taken with him, but again for the same reason I couldn't. Oh well.

W hummed the graduation song as we walked to our car, super happy and amazed. We grabbed all of my meds I would no longer use and brought them back into the office to donate them. The office gave us a lot of donated meds while I was doing my IVF cycle so I was happy to return the favor.

We headed into NYC for an amazing day with beautiful weather. We did a lot of walking and didn't do anything super special, but had a great day. It was 62 degrees and sunny, the warmest we have felt since early fall. We ate some delicious pizza and enjoyed the sights. It really was a perfect day.

Now that I am done with Dr. B I feel a little lost. I have to call my ob's office and schedule my next appointment. We have decided to skip the NT scan since I've had so many extra ultrasounds. I'm guessing I won't need to be seen for quite a few weeks.

W and his mother are both dying to tell the world, but I don't think I'm there yet. W is pushing for next week since we will be 13 weeks, but I'm not sure. I have a little belly but it's not hugely noticeable. I'm still fitting into my jeans and wearing my regular clothes. My pants can no longer travel through the dryer, but if I let them air dry they still fit fine. I guess I just need to make the adjustment to no longer going to/needing a fertility doctor and clinic. It might take a little time. It's all I've known up until now.

We are so excited about having twins and talk about the babies all the time. The truth is though, I am in complete denial that it's happening inside my body. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the fact that I have 2 babies growing inside of me right now. Maybe when I begin to feel them move it will seem more real but for now it might as well be happening in someone else's body.