Friday, February 24, 2012

Harder Than I Thought

I'm terrified. Pregnancy after miscarriage has not been easy thus far for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'm having a really hard time doing that. I think if my initial beta numbers had been better, I would be able to relax more. Or maybe I'm just a worrier when it comes to certain things. Things that are completely out of my control, those kinds of things. 

On Wednesday evening I woke up from a nap to find brown spotting on my panty liner. I spoke to the nurses the following day and they said it was nothing to worry about since it was brown and likely just old blood. I can't help but feel like any blood is bad. On Thursday night when I took out my Crinone applicator it had fresh blood on it. It lasted only about 5 more minutes of really light pink, but it was enough to ruin my night. I'm pretty sure I may have just nicked myself trying to remove old Crinone prior to putting in the new one though. That night when I put in my estrogen it felt like one little spot was a bit sensitive. I also have nails at this point, so I'm hoping that's what happened. The brown spotting has mostly gone away, but the bits of Crinone that come out continue to be brown. I'm trying not to "clean house" as often to avoid what happened the other night. 

I wish I could be more positive and relaxed about things, but I repeat several times a day the phrase "this is terrifying" to my husband. Poor guy. 

I think the missed miscarriage is what gets to me. I was going along thinking everything was fine, and then I got blindsided that my baby had died 2 weeks prior. Oh yeah, and yesterday was exactly 1 year from the horrible day that I got that news. 

I still certainly feel pregnant, but I try not to read too much into it. It seems like whenever W and I talk about the future I get a good scare. I guess it's a sign I need to stay in the present and not plan too much ahead. That's the only way I can imagine really enjoying being pregnant though. Planning all of the great things that it could mean. 

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday at 9:00. I'm hoping I can make it until then and keep my sanity. I'm hoping we get great news. I also have a blood draw for which I'm scared of. Ugghh, I thought I was going to be able to enjoy this a lot more. Hopefully I will get to that point, I'm just not there yet. 


  1. It is terrifying, I know. I had a few spotting episodes (and a missed m/c last time) so I completely get it. I can say it gets easier. I still worry a lot, but not like the beginning. It really helped me to keep telling myself that every single person on this Earth got here this way, so it can't be that hard to mess up. I know it's difficult to think that way after IF and loss. You can't control how this ends, but you can control the way that you feel right now. ((hugs))

  2. Hang in there babe! I pray the first 12 weeks pass quickly!

  3. I completely understand. I am second guessing everything! I am trying really hard to stay in the moment, but its hard. I got so used to being infertile, and always preparing for disappointing news that I don't know what to do now.

  4. It's REALLY hard. Especially when some people don't understand, " You're pregnant this is what you wanted, why aren't you happy now?" Yes people actually said this to me. But I totally understand your fears. I can say it does get somewhat easier, but with IF we always seems to worry a little more. Maybe start with one thing a day. Talk to the baby, buy something little for the baby, browse online for nursery ideas/names. Basically do something happy and positive once a day that revolves around the baby :) xo

  5. Been through this when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was so used to my body failing me, that I kept expecting it too. Fortunately, we have a healthy and active two year old!

    Btw-I spotted brown when I was first pregnant with Alex and it was about the same time you are at now. It was likely just implantation bleeding and I never had problems with bleeding again.

  6. It's hard, there's no getting around it. I think with each passing week it will get just a little bit easier. At 15 weeks I am WAY better than I was back at 5 weeks but I know I'm also a long way off from being FINE if you know what I mean.

    You'll get through it, one day at a time!

  7. I hope your fear settles for you. I think that once an infertile, always an infertile. You know, once that innocence is lost, it can't be reclaimed. I suspect you'll always be more wary than "the fertiles". Hopefully, though, once you see that little bean on the ultrasound, the fear will subside a little and some joy can seep in. You're in my thoughts!

  8. I'd think you insane if you WEREN'T going crazy waiting to take a peek at what's going on in there, and what all the complications could be. It's completely natural.

    I hope so very much that Thursday brings exactly what you want...

  9. You have a lot of great support from some fabulous ladies! I wanted to give you mine as well :)

    I also had a missed m/c my first pg. It destroyed me. I thought that everything was fine. It really messed with me emotionally. ( that was a naturally conceived pg- and I also have PCOS- which I am guessing played a role with the loss.
    My second pregnancy was iui w/ injects. I was scared the whole time and SURE something would go wrong... It didn't. I have a healthy son.
    My third pg through IVF I am carrying twins and at 7 weeks had a sudden gush of pinkish water, then turned to bright red bleeding, then brown. Babies are still okay.
    Our bodies do some WEIRD things, and pregnancy really is scary. But ultimately remember, your odds are SO much better of it all going RIGHT, no matter how our emotions try to make us feel.

    Praying it goes RIGHT :)