Sunday, February 19, 2012

Trying My Best

This weekend has been tough overall. I'm ready to get some answers tomorrow although I realize it may not be black or white. On Friday night we went out for a nice dinner and then tried to go to the movies, but I messed up the times so we ended up just coming home and buying one from our blueray player. I feel asleep not far into the movie and W said it was pretty bad. 

Friday during the day was the hardest for me emotionally. I cried the most and felt the least hopeful. I have a family I work with where the mom went through multiple IVF's before she was successful. She is one of the few people who know all of the details. I went to see her son for therapy and we spent about a half hour talking about everything. I definitely cried the most then, but also felt like I needed to get it all out. She told me I had to be nicer to myself and said she knew it was going to work for us, she just couldn't say whether it's would be this time or not. She also said that when you make it to the other side it's all worth it looking bad doesn't seem all that bad. I had to wipe my tears away quickly when he son entered the room and I pulled it together and was able to work with him. I cried over the phone with W, but he was definitely more hopeful than me. 

Saturday was a pretty good day overall. We had a bunch of distractions which was nice. We went out to breakfast and then came home for a little bit and watched some Lost. After a bit we headed out to the Mackenzie Childs store. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Mackenzie Childs, but it's all hand painted brightly covered pottery and other items. They have a big barn sale in the summer and last summer we got knobs for our kitchen cabinets. They are really neat and make a big difference in the kitchen. We also have a few other items in the kitchen. We weren't looking for anything specific, but it was fun to go. They have a farmhouse and we ended up with good timing to be able to go on the tour. It was really fun. Here are some pictures:
Shower in the closet 
The pattern painted on this wall and ceiling made me feel dizzy

Love this bathroom

The fish hallway. It continued down another set of stairs. Don't walk up this hallway drunk! 
It really was a nice distraction and we ended up getting a small fish carpet for the kitchen. The pull knobs we have in the kitchen have the fish on them, so it matches nicely. 

Saturday night we went to the movies at the right time. We went to see Big Miracle and thought it would be a nice uplifting movie. Just what we needed. *Spoiler alert* I had seen the previews and assumed the whales all survived. Well, go figure, the baby whale ended up dying. Great! I was then crying in the movie theatre about the dead baby whale. Not really the miracle movie we were hoping for. All in all, W and I were able to joke about it after. 

Last night I woke up around 4:30 and just felt horrible. I was anxious, sad, and overwhelmed. My mind was racing and I was unable to fall back asleep for at least an hour. I lay there thinking about everything and wondering what the outcome will be. 

I did POAS twice on Saturday. The digital continues to say "pregnant" which is nice to see. Of course the batteries die and the message eventually disappears, but it is nice to see that word. I also couldn't resist and also used a FRER. The line was darker than it was two days prior, so that made me feel a bit better. 

Symptoms remain, but I'm taking loads of hormones that also mimic symptoms. I'm still on estrogen (vaginally each night), progesterone (Crinone 2x's/day), dexamethasone, Lovenox injections, baby aspirin, Metformin 2x's/day, and prenatal vitamins. What do I feel? I'm tired and have been napping most days, I am peeing a bit more but also drinking a lot more water. I have occasional cramping, my boobs are still bigger and sore but maybe a bit less so, and I have a bit of nausea here and there. Nothing overwhelming though. Oh yeah, and my sense of smell is still really heightened. 

The thought of 2 miscarriages scares the crap out of me. It makes me worry that something bigger is wrong. I've searched far and wide for success stories and have found a few, but more that aren't so successful. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but I hope it will be a day filled with answers. 

I feel better than last time about having a backup plan if needed. We have 4 frozen embryos and 2 fresh cycles paid for already. I hope we don't need any of it, but it's good to know that those options are there.

 I've really appreciate all of the nice comments I have received and it is amazing to know that other people are praying for me and thinking of me. Thank you so much for the support!


  1. I'm sorry tomorrow seems so far away. It'll be ok whatever the outcome. Were here!

  2. Been thinking of you and praying!!! I will say an extra prayer tonight for a nice beta tomorrow :) Hang in there girl, I know it's so so difficult. xo

  3. ((hugs)). I hope you get great news tomorrow.

  4. I hope tomorrow brings you good news!

  5. You sound pretty pregnant. :) I hope you get the best news. Everything crossed!!!

  6. Hang in there tomorrow will bring more answers. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

  7. I hope you get your answers tomorrow and praying that you stay pregnant. But a comforting phenomenal statistic for you: 85% of women who have one miscarriage go on to have a successful pregnancy and 75% of women who have 2 or more go on to have a successful pregnancy. HUGE HUGE numbers!

  8. ((hugs)) I'm so sorry that things are working out this way, but I pray that you get better news today.

  9. Thinking of you and wondering how your beta went today xo